fortune-service/cookies.dat

7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
	The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
	Redwood Forest.

7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
	The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
	Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
%
A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified to judge
the work of creative men. There is logic in this; he is unbiased -- he hates
all creative people equally.
%
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
%
	A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him.  "Are you the
foreman around here?" he asked timidly.  "I'd like to join your circus; I
have what I think is a pretty good act."
	The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
his arms furiously.  Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
	"Well," puffed the little man.  "What do you think?"
	"That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully.  "Bird
imitations?"
%
A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned
things is ample.
		-- Rebecca West
%
A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
		-- Whitney Balliett
%
A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
%
A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
what he meant.
		-- Wilson Mizner
%
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of
marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
%
	A hard-luck actor who appeared in one coloossal disaster after another
finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact.  Someone pointed out that it's
the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
%
A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
	"Hello?" his friend answers.
	"Hi!" says the man.  "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
	"Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great!  I just sold a screenplay
for two hundred thousand dollars.  I've started a novel adaptation and the
studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it.  I also have a television
series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
I'm doing *great*!  How are you?"
	"Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
%
A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
%
	A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
new theatrical season.  "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
%
	A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy for the
pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well, it's quite
nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
	"If what?" asked the composer.
	"If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
%
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
%
A rose is a rose is a rose.  Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
Downstairs."  Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
with Rose she's forever identified.  So much so that she even likes to
joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
drawbacks.  "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
good in beds; better up against a wall.'  I want to tell you that's not
true.  I'm very good in beds as well."
%
A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
		-- Don Marquis
%
	A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
Madonna, a young puppy.  It hitched its waggin' to a star.
%
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
		-- Michael Winner, British film director
%
A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
		-- Shaw
%
A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
what he writes fiction.
		-- William Faulkner
%
A yawn is a silent shout.
		-- G.K. Chesterton
%
A young man wrote to Mozart and said:

Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
   suggestions as to how to get started?"
A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
   some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
A: "But I never asked anybody how."
%
Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
%
Acting is not very hard.  The most important things are to be able to laugh
and cry.  If I have to cry, I think of my sex life.  And if I have to laugh,
well, I think of my sex life.
		-- Glenda Jackson
%
Actor			Real Name

Boris Karloff		William Henry Pratt
Cary Grant		Archibald Leach
Edward G. Robinson	Emmanual Goldenburg
Gene Wilder		Gerald Silberman
John Wayne		Marion Morrison
Kirk Douglas		Issur Danielovitch
Richard Burton		Richard Jenkins Jr.
Roy Rogers		Leonard Slye
Woody Allen		Allen Stewart Konigsberg
%
Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
%
Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
		-- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely
		New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
%
Adding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
		-- actress Mary Pickford, 1925
%
Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done something
strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a decorous age.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. It was
replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life more
advanced than the lichen family.
		-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
%
Alex Haley was adopted!
%
All art is but imitation of nature.
		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
%
An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
		-- Marlon Brando
%
An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
%
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and
world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers
whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath.
		-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
%
Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a representation
of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a representation of
anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone capable of sitting upright
in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
		-- Richard Schickel
%
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it.
%
	"Are you police officers?"
	"No, ma'am.  We're musicians."
		-- The Blues Brothers
%
Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux."  Aside from
one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
(He died in 1921.)
	Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
fantasy...
	What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw?  (This
instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!)  Then the
piece would be better known as:
	SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
%
Art is a jealous mistress.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
		-- Picasso
%
Art is anything you can get away with.
		-- Marshall McLuhan.
%
Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
		-- Paul Gauguin
%
Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
		-- Chazal
%
Art is the tree of life.  Science is the tree of death.
%
As a goatherd learns his trade by goat, so a writer learns his trade by wrote.
%
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
		-- Christopher Hampton
%
Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
depths they were once able to plumb.
		-- Stanley Kaufman
%
Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
		-- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
%
Bahdges?  We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
		-- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
%
Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
and original in your work.
		-- Flaubert
%
Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
%
"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
%
Ben, why didn't you tell me?
		-- Luke Skywalker
%
"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"
		-- Time Bandits
%
Best Mistakes In Films
	In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
possible.
	In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
	In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
with television aerials.
	In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
in the background.
	In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
BS:	You remind me of a man.
B:	What man?
BS:	The man with the power.
B:	What power?
BS:	The power of voodoo.
B:	Voodoo?
BS:	You do.
B:	Do what?
BS:	Remind me of a man.
B:	What man?
BS:	The man with the power...
		-- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
%
Burnt Sienna.  That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
		-- Ken Weaver
%
But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
		-- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
%
But you shall not escape my iambics.
		-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
%
Can't act.  Slightly bald.  Also dances.
		-- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test.
		   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
%
Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
		-- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
%
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
%
Darth Vader!  Only you would be so bold!
		-- Princess Leia Organa
%
Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
that shot down the Korean jet?  At one point he definitely states:

	"Natasha!  First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and squirrel."

		-- ihuxw!tommyo
%
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
%
Don't everyone thank me at once!
		-- Han Solo
%
Dustin Farnum:	Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
Oliver Herford:	Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of it!
		-- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
%
Dying is easy.  Comedy is difficult.
		-- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed.
%
E.T. GO HOME!!!  (And take your Smurfs with you.)
%
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
		-- Fred Allen
%
Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
		-- Bullwinkle Moose
%
Elwood:  What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
%
Ever get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is missing?
		-- Rich Little
%
Everyone is in the best seat.
		-- John Cage
%
Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
		-- Marlo Thomas
%
Fast ship?  You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
		-- Han Solo
%
"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order"
		-- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
%
Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
%
For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
the results of this evening's experiments.  Astonished at the wonderful
power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
and bad music may be put on record forever.
		-- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
%
For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
%
Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12

O.E.D.:				David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.

	Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
	shallowness in its treatment of a complete work.  Omar Sharif
	tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in
	the role of abbacy.  As usual, the photography is stunning.
	With Julie Christie.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3

MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
	Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
	tries to make it big on Broadway.  Santa sings and dances his way
	into your heart.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5

THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
	This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
	forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
	make ends meet.  At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
	of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
	and to power small electrical appliances.  Maureen Stapleton gives
	a glowing performance.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9

THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS:	Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.

	Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
	everything from "timeless" to "endless."  (Remade by Gene
	Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
%
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#37
	Can you name the seven seas?
		Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
		North Pacific, South Pacific.
	Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
		Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
%
Fremen add life to spice!
%
				FROM THE DESK OF
				Dorothy Gale

	Auntie Em:
		Hate you.
		Hate Kansas.
		Taking the dog.
			Dorothy
%
G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy.  One
of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
that's your chance, my boy."
%
Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
our heads tomorrow.  But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
		-- Adventures of Asterix
%
George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
	"Bring a friend, if you have one."

Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
had a previous engagement.  He also attached the following:
	"Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
%
Go ahead... make my day.
		-- Dirty Harry
%
God help the troubadour who tries to be a star.  The more that you try
to find success, the more that you will fail.
		-- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
%
God is really only another artist.  He invented the giraffe, the elephant
and the cat.  He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things.
		-- Pablo Picasso
%
God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
%
Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
%
Governor Tarkin.  I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
leash.  I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.
		-- Princess Leia Organa
%
GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):

On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place
of residence.
%
Grig (the navigator):
	... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
	armada.
Alex (the gunner):
	What?!?
Grig:	I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
	overwhelming odds.
Alex:	It'll be a slaughter!
Grig:	That's the spirit!
		-- The Last Starfighter
%
H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. Mencken --
there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
		-- Maxwell Bodenheim
%
	"Hawk, we're going to die."
	"Never say die... and certainly never say we."
		-- M*A*S*H
%
He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
		-- John Mason Brown, drama critic
%
He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
		-- Jonathon Swift
%
"Hello," he lied.
		-- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
%
Hello.  Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine.  Will you
please have your master call my master at his convenience?  Thank you.
Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
Hi Jimbo.  Dennis.  Really appreciate the help on the income tax.  You wanna
help on the audit now?
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.

The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways.  The artist explores
our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
structures in a post-industrial world.  She/he (the artist prefers to
remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
class-based stress.  The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
exist in a more fundamental sense.
%
Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
		-- Rex Reed
%
Holy Dilemma!  Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?

	Tune in again tomorrow:
	same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
%
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
%
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
%
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
%
I accept chaos.  I am not sure whether it accepts me.  I know some people
are terrified of the bomb.  But then some people are terrified to be seen
carrying a modern screen magazine.  Experience teaches us that silence
terrifies people the most.
		-- Bob Dylan
%
I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
		-- David Bowie
%
I am a deeply superficial person.
		-- Andy Warhol
%
I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
total discrediting of the world of reality.
		-- Salvador Dali
%
I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
		-- Fred Allen
%
I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
                -- Bart Simpson
%
I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.  The curtain
was up.
%
I distrust a close-mouthed man.  He generally picks the wrong time to talk
and says the wrong things.  Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
unless you keep in practice.  Now, sir, we'll talk if you like.  I'll tell
you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
		-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
%
I don't know anything about music.  In my line you don't have to.
		-- Elvis Presley
%
I dread success.  To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on
earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has
succeeded in his courtship.  I like a state of continual becoming, with a
goal in front and not behind.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
I had another dream the other day about music critics.  They were small
and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
painting by Goya.
		-- Stravinsky
%
I have a very strange feeling about this...
		-- Luke Skywalker
%
"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'."
		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
%
I have had my television aerials removed.  It's the moral equivalent
of a prostate operation.
		-- Malcolm Muggeridge
%
I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole ____BODY!
		-- from "Cerebus" #82
%
I knew her before she was a virgin.
		-- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
%
I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
could do was to go away.
%
I never made a mistake in my life.  I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
		-- Lucy Van Pelt
%
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
		-- G. B. Shaw
%
I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind
of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances
being in widespread use.  Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms
of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like
a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments
as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
%
I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
reader.  But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
		-- Stephen King
%
I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
morning.  A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine.  Who composed
the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'?  My friend said Virgil Thomson."  I
asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
"You're right."  The porter said,  "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
that way."  I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
		-- Alistair Cooke
%
I remember Ulysses well...  Left one day for the post office to mail a letter,
met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar, and didn't come back for 20 years.
%
I saw Lassie.  It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid never
spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that deserve a series?
%
I stick my neck out for nobody.
		-- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"
%
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.  Mother took me to
see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
		-- Shirley Temple
%
I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookie win.
		-- C3P0
%
	"I suppose you expect me to talk."
	"No, Mr. Bond.  I expect you to die."
		-- Goldfinger
%
I think we're in trouble.
		-- Han Solo
%
I think...  I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
		-- Escher
%
I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
and drown myself in the noise.
		-- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
%
I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
		-- Elvis Costello
%
I was working on a case.  It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
desk.  Then I saw her.  This tall blond lady.  She must have been tall
because I was on the third floor.  She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
me.  I picked them up and rolled them back.  We kissed.  She screamed.  I
took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
%
I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
in the room alone.
%
I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.  If
people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.  It's the truth.
		-- Charlie Chaplin
%
I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.  Great song.
		-- Fred Reuss
%
I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
and Superman away.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.  There's a
knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.
		-- Gallagher
%
I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.
		-- Princess Leia Organa
%
I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
%
I'll never get off this planet.
		-- Luke Skywalker
%
I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
%
I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
with twenty-eight years ago.
		-- Will Rogers
%
I've got a very bad feeling about this.
		-- Han Solo
%
  I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
     its situation.
	Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.  He
	loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
	look down.  At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
	second per second takes over.
 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
     intervenes suddenly.
	Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
	characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
	pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
	Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
	stooge's surcease.
III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
     conforming to its perimeter.
	Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
	speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
	cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
	the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole.  The
	threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
		-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
%
If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
%
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
		-- Paul Beatty
%
If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
not just because you fear she might be crazy.  If she tells her tale on
camera, you might listen.  Watching strangers on television , even
responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged -- voyeurs
collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community.  Never
have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
		-- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
		   in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
%
If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by some means abridged, it will soon
fall into disuse.
		-- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
%
If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
%
If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three to a can.
%
If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
%
If I had any humility I would be perfect.
		-- Ted Turner
%
If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
a laboratory jar at Harvard.
		-- Frank Sinatra

AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
		-- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
%
If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
		-- Bob Hope
%
If it ain't baroque, don't phiques it.
%
If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes.  A more sententious, holding-
forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
		-- James Dickey
%
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
%
If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
%
If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
		-- Louis Armstrong
%
If you lose a son you can always get another, but there's only one
Maltese Falcon.
		-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
%
If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time someone pulls
out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with your Bic.
%
If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.
		-- Don Marquis
%
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
		-- Fred Allen
%
Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
		-- Lionel Trilling
%
Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
		-- T.S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
%
In Hollywood, all marriages are happy.  It's trying to live together
afterwards that causes the problems.
		-- Shelley Winters
%
In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
		-- Rex Reed
%
In just seven days, I can make you a man!
		-- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
%
In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
your left leg, it's modern architecture.
		-- Nancy Banks Smith
%
In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
%
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
the proper order then why can't he?
%
In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains.  As night falls the
wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle.  After
everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
camp.
	After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day.  The drums get
louder and louder.
	Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
the sound of those drums."
	Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp:  "IT'S
NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
%
It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater.  The clown came
out to inform the public.  They thought it was just a jest and applauded.
He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder.  So I think the world
will come to an end amid general applause from all the wits, who believe
that it is a joke.
%
It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been
dead for two years.
		-- Tom Lehrer
%
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
		-- Rod Serling
%
It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious 
to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, 
which morally we can do.  To affect the quality of the day, that is the
highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
		-- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
%
It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
	-- Lloyd Kaufman, producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
%
It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
to Grandmother's condo.
%
It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.  Get into that garbage chute,
flyboy!
		-- Princess Leia Organa
%
It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
they'll come out for it.
		-- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul
		   Harry Cohn
%
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
		-- Robert Benchley
%
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
%
It'll be just like Beggars' Canyon back home.
		-- Luke Skywalker
%
It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
		-- Mick Jagger
%
It's clever, but is it art?
%
It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
%
It's from Casablanca.  I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
		-- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
%
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
		-- Walt Disney
%
It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
		-- Sam Goldwyn
%
It's not easy, being green.
		-- Kermit the Frog
%
It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
		-- Garfield
%
IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
    equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
    spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
	Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
	inevitably unsuccessful.
 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
	Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
	them directly away from the earth's surface.  A spooky noise or an
	adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
	the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
	The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
	auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
	This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
	character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
	altercation at several places simultaneously.  This effect is common
	as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled.  A "wacky"
	character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
	speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
		-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
%
James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
		-- Tom Stoppard
%
James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother")
failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to
remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a
major general."
%
Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
television?" and "Good night".
		-- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
		   Letters, 1967
%
Jim, it's Grace at the bank.  I checked your Christmas Club account.
You don't have five-hundred dollars.  You have fifty.  Sorry, computer foul-up!
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
Jim, it's Jack.  I'm at the airport.  I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
you the five-hundred I owe you.  Catch you next year when I get back!
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
Jim, this is Janelle.  I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
I gotta find a safe place for Daffy.  He loves you, Jim!  It's only two
days, and you'll see.  Great Danes are no problem!
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's.  Some guy named Angel
Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab.  And now he wants to charge it
to you.  You gonna pay it?
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!

(George and Ringo miffed.)
%
Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
		-- Bob Dylan
%
Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, and think to
yourself, `There's no place like home.'
		-- Glynda the Good
%
Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of
blue denim.  If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys
like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim.  I don't enjoy the sky
or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character.  If Jesus Christ
came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the
nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim.  Then we'd get
crucified in the morning.
		-- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull
%
Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
immune to bullets.
		-- The Brigadier, "Dr. Who"
%
Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant.  While describing his
duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
table and warned him that he was not to take any.  Some days later, the new
manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
of the candy.  Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
candy, and said:
	"Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
%
	Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
lived with was made up of idiots.  Remember?  One of them was always
getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
the farmhouse to alert the other ones.  She'd whimper and tug at their
sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
you think something's wrong?  Do you think she wants us to follow her?
What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
of every week.  What with all the time these people spent pinned under
the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
applications for.
		-- Dave Barry
%
Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
		-- S.J. Perelman
%
Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
%
	Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
tries to hide behind a beard.  No good.  There are still too many people
and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking.  He moves to the
outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
caretaker included.  He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
	Nobody's cut the grass in months.  What's happened to that caretaker?
What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
start to get curious.  A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared.  The senior
class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
movie one night and stays out.  The town's up in arms, but just before the
police take action, the kids turn up.  They've found a purpose.  They go
home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
now.  They're in a band.
		-- Ira Kaplan
%
Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
%
Like ya know?  Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
		-- Senior Year Quote
%
Linus:	Hi!  I thought it was you.
	I've been watching you from way off...  You're looking great!
Snoopy:	That's nice to know.
	The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
%
Linus:	I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.  Maybe
	we should think only about today.
Charlie Brown:
	No, that's giving up.  I'm still hoping that yesterday will get
	better.
%
Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
		-- James Dean
%
Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
%
Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
%
Lucy:	Dance, dance, dance.  That is all you ever do.
	Can't you be serious for once?
Snoopy: She is right!  I think I had better think
	of the more important things in life!
	(pause)
	Tomorrow!!
%
Luke, I'm yer father, eh.  Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
		-- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
%
Maj. Bloodnok:	Seagoon, you're a coward!
Seagoon:	Only in the holiday season.
Maj. Bloodnok:	Ah, another Noel Coward!
%
Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
Doctor:   "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
	  don't think, right?"
		-- Dr. Who
%
Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
tricks on me and treating me badly.
		-- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
%
Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
the dance floor.  Now everyone's doing it.  It's called grand slam dancing.
		-- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
%
Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
		-- Monty Python
%
"Microwave oven?  Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven?  I've been watching
Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
%
Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you out
of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
		-- Casablanca
%
Mike:	"The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
Bernie:	"Nobody ever empties the ashtrays.  People are SO inconsiderate."
		-- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
%
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
%
Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
themselves that they have a better idea.
		-- John Ciardi
%
Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more wretched collection of
villainy and disreputable types...
		-- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
%
Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
Etiquette.  We aren't going to call again!  Now you want these free
lessons or what?
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
Mr. Rockford?  Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses.  We got your
renewal before the extended deadline but not your check.  I'm sorry but
at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
Mr. Rockford?  This is Betty Joe Withers.  I got four shirts of yours from
the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake.  I don't know why they gave me men's
shirts but they're going back.
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
Mr. Rockford?  You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you.  Could
you call me at...  My name is... uh...  Never mind, forget it!
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
		-- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
%
My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I threw my
amplifier out the dormitory window.  We did not act in haste. First we
checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the frame, using the
belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up the amplifier and backed
up to my bedroom door.  Then we rushed forward, shouting "The WHO!  The
WHO!" and we launched my amplifier perfectly, as though we had been doing it
all our lives, clean through the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a
small but appreciative crowd had gathered.  I would like to be able to say
that this was a symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away
from one state in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper
and I really just wanted to find out what it would sound like.  It sounded
OK.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
%
"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?"
	-- MadameX
%
My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
		-- Peter Stack, movie review

His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
		-- John Stark, movie review
%
No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
		-- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
		   film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
		   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
%
No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.  It should be of the hill,
belonging to it.
		-- Frank Lloyd Wright
%
No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
their wish has been granted.
		-- W.H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
%
No two persons ever read the same book.
		-- Edmund Wilson
%
"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'"
		-- Dr. Who
%
Nobody can be exactly like me.  Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.
		-- Tallulah Bankhead
%
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
%
Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
%
Not all who own a harp are harpers.
		-- Marcus Terentius Varro
%
Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of
wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is
astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
unfortunately, divided lengthwise.  She enchants Sigmund, who is careful
not to make any poultry jokes.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Oh Dad!  We're ALL Devo!
%
	"Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
urban crime.  Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
put you through to our central base in Atlanta.  Go ahead, call -- they'll
confirm who I am.
	"Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
		-- Captain Freedom
%
Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
%
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
%
Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
%
Once, I read that a man be never stronger than when he truly realizes how
weak he is.
		-- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
%
One big pile is better than two little piles.
		-- Arlo Guthrie
%
Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to
talk to.  And you just HAVE to watch it.  "Blind, masochistic minority,
crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
%
	Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices.  No one else in
town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
%
People in general do not willingly read if they have anything else to
amuse them.
		-- S. Johnson
%
Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy poetry without a certain
unsoundness of mind.
		-- Thomas Macaulay
%
Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
because they were liars.  The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
couldn't compete successfully with poets.
		-- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer), "Venus on the Half Shell"
%
Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
%
Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
%
Plots are like girdles.  Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
an uncontainable experience.
		-- R.S. Knapp
%
Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:

	SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater.  Thanks to
him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at.  Memorable
line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"

	FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks.  Scenes include a girl being stuffed
with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
with beets and dressing.  Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
diets that are driving them crazy.

	FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
Except with sour cream.
%
Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:

	THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth
to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
behind this).  Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."

	A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers.  Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
general butter-melting by all.

	FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off!  Cameo by Walter
Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
%
Prizes are for children.
		-- Charles Ives, upon being given, but refusing, the
		   Pulitzer prize
%
Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
And there's no reason for it.  So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
for twelve years?  I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
I can.  Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
		-- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
%
Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator
of sociopathic tendencies.
		-- Zoso
%
Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the
Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
%
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
%
Rascal, am I?  Take THAT!
		-- Errol Flynn
%
Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
his death.  He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol."  Over at the
microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers.  So Stevie
Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow!  I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
"'Close to You'.  Hit it, boys!"
		-- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
%
Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
		-- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
		   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
%
"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it."
		-- Dave Barry
%
Satire is tragedy plus time.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
Satire is what closes in New Haven.
%
Satire is what closes Saturday night.
		-- George Kaufman
%
'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
		-- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
%
She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.
		-- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
%
"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'.  I said, `That's nothing,
you should hear me play piano.'"
		-- Morrisey
%
She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
good at being short.
		-- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
%
Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet!  I'm hunting wabbits...
%
Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
		-- Martin Mull
%
Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
		-- C3P0
%
Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects
such as wickerwork picnic baskets.  Imagination without skill gives us modern
art.
		-- Tom Stoppard
%
Smile!  You're on Candid Camera.
%
Snakes.  Why did it have to be snakes?
		-- Indiana Jones, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"
%
Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
%
Snow White has become a camera buff.  She spends hours and hours
shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics.  Then she
mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service.  It takes weeks
for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
with Snow White.  She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
%
So do the noble fall.  For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality.  Against the greater force
they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
of obligations.  And when the noble fall, the base remain.  The base -- whose
only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect.  Whose only
purpose is to destroy.  The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
strength.  For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
		-- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
%
	So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
flop up onto the land and evolve.  Richard and I were inching toward
it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
	Many people would have panicked at this point.  But Richard and
I were not "many people."  We were experienced waders, and we kept our
heads.  We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
our feet never once went below the surface of the water.  We ran all
the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
%
Some men who fear that they are playing second fiddle aren't in the
band at all.
%
Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.
		-- Avery
%
"Spare no expense to save money on this one."
		-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who!  And I'll take you all
on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
		-- Harlan Ellison
%
	"Surely you can't be serious."
	"I am serious, and stop calling me Shirley."
		-- "Airplane"
%
Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
		-- Laurie Anderson
%
Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
		-- John Mason Brown, drama critic
%
Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
		-- Robert Carson
%
Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
	-- Alfred Hitchcock
%
Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
		-- Ann Landers
%
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
		-- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
%
Television is now so desperately hungry for material that it is scraping
the top of the barrel.
		-- Gore Vidal
%
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.
		-- R. Geis
%
That's no moon...
		-- Obi-wan Kenobi
%
The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
		-- E. Costello
%
The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
but doesn't.
		-- Tom Crichton
%
	The big problem with pornography is defining it.  You can't just
say it's pictures of people naked.  For example, you have these
primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
	So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
naked, or whatever.  But if National Geographic were to publish an
article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography.  But
others would not.  And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
people, and don't come in clearly enough.
		-- Bill Maher
%
The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
greater than that of any other animals.  Some of their most esteemed
inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner party
of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense
		-- Picasso
%
The covers of this book are too far apart.
		-- Book review by Ambrose Bierce.
%
The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
		-- T.K.
%
The faster we go, the rounder we get.
		-- The Grateful Dead
%
The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
The Great Movie Posters:

*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
		-- Tea with a Kick (1924)

Whoopie!  Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
		-- The Wild Party (1929)

YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
DIX -- the dashing soldier!
	DIX -- the bold adventurer!
		DIX -- the throbbing lover!
		-- The Wheel of Life (1929)

SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
		-- The Night is Young (1934)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
unimaginable hell.
		-- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)

NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
		-- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)

LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF SLAUGHTER!
		-- Five Bloody Graves (1969)

The family that slays together stays together.
		-- Bloody Mama (1970)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
		-- Squirm (1976)

Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
		-- The New House on the Left (1977)

WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
		-- Zombie (1980)

It's not human and it's got an axe.
		-- The Prey (1981)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
		-- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)

An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
		-- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)

WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Alone, only a harmless pet...
	One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
		-- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)

They're Over-Exposed
But Not Under-Developed!
		-- Cover Girl Models (1976)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
		-- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)

Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
		-- Untamed Mistress (1960)

NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
FIRST TIME...  HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
		-- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
		-- The Cycle Savages (1969)

The Hand that Rocks the Cradle...   Has no Flesh on It!
		-- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)

TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
		-- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)

They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
		-- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"?  Maybe so -- but let her hear
you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
		-- Spitfire (1934)

Do Native Women Live With Apes?
		-- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)

JUNGLE KISS!!
	When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic
spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
was a girl in love!
	SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
		-- Her Jungle Love (1938)

LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
		-- Intermezzo (1939)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
		-- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)

She Sins in Mobile --
Marries in Houston --
Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon --
MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
FIRST -- HARLOW!
THEN -- MONROE!
NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
		-- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan

*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN! 
A Horrifying Movie of Wierd Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
1001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!!  MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
		-- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964)  (Alternate Title:
		   The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
		   Became Mixed Up Zombies)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
-- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
-- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
	SEE the burning of a virgin!
	SEE power of witch doctor over women!
	SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
		-- Kwaheri (1965)

The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
		-- Boeing-Boeing (1965)

AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
	The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
give you the wim-wams!
		-- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
		-- Sweet and Savage (1983)

What a Guy!  What a Gal!  What a Pair!
		-- Stroker Ace (1983)

It's always better when you come again!
		-- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)

You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
		-- Pieces (1983)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
on a roaring rampage of revenge!
		-- Bury Me an Angel (1972)

WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB SAUSAGES?
		-- Meat is Meat (1972)

TODAY the Pond!
TOMORROW the World!
		-- Frogs (1972)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
		-- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)

CAST OF 3,000!
4 WRITERS,
2 DIRECTORS,
3 CAMERAMEN,
3 PRODUCERS!
1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
	BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
	AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
Be Brave--bring your troubles and your family to:
	HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
		-- The Prince of Peace (1948).  Starring members of the
		   Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
%
The Great Movie Posters:

The Miracle of the Age!!!  A LION in your lap!  A LOVER in your arms!
		-- Bwana Devil (1952)

OVERWHELMING!  ELECTRIFYING!  BAFFLING!
Fire Can't Burn Them!  Bullets Can't Kill Them!  See the Unfolding of
the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
Earth!  You've Never Seen Anything Like It!  Neither Has the World!
	SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
		-- Robot Monster (1953)

1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
802 scared bulls!
		-- The Egyptian (1954)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
horror on a screaming world!
		-- The Crawling Eye (1958)

SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, scyscraper limbs,
giant desires!
		-- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)

Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
What Should a Movie Do?  Hide Its Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
		-- The Desperate Women (1958)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

They hungered for her treasure!  And died for her pleasure!
SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
		-- The Golden Mistress (1954)

See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
		-- The French Line (1954)

See Jane Russell Shake Her Tamborines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
		-- Hot Blood (1956)
%
The Great Movie Posters:

When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make Friends...
		-- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)

Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
		-- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)

A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
		-- A Taste of Blood (1967)
%
The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
		-- Johnny Carson
%
The horror... the horror!
%
The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
lists of "Ten Best".
		-- H. Allen Smith
%
The human brain is a wonderful thing.  It starts working the moment
you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
		-- Sir George Jessel
%
"The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
has gills through which it can see."
		-- Monty Python
%
The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut.  To reveal
an artist to the people can be to destroy him.  It isn't to anyone's
advantage to see the truth.
		-- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
%
The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
		-- Governor Tarkin
%
The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
		-- Nicol Williamson
%
The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
is of course a shameful canard.  The key age has traditionally been
more like fourteen.
		-- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
%
The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.  Let the reader
catch his own breath.
		-- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
%
The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
%
The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
		-- David Lardner
%
The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
stable business.
		-- John Steinbeck
	[Horse racing *is* a stable business ...]
%
The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
%
The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
%
The story you are about to hear is true.  Only the names have been
changed to protect the innocent.
%
The streets were dark with something more than night.
		-- Raymond Chandler
%
The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
		-- RKO
%
The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
		-- Ken Kesey
%
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
The ultimate game show will be the one where somebody gets killed at the end.
		-- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
%
The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
designed for people who walk on their hands.
		-- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
%
The Worst Musical Trio
	There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
instrument.  This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
violinist.  Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
unhampered by great musical talent.
	Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
concert.  "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm."  Although
Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
in Paris.  However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
	"Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
"and it will be a sell out."
	Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was.  On the night an excited
audience gathered.  Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
asked for someone to turn his pages.
	In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
volunteered and made his way to the stage.
	The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
Gaveau last night.  The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
the piano.  Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
long winter evenings.
		-- Quentin Crisp
%
There are three rules for writing a novel.  Unfortunately, no one knows
what they are.
		-- Somerset Maugham
%
There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies.  They hang out and play
together for years, virtually inseparable.  Unfortunately, one of them is
struck by a truck and killed.  About a week later his friend wakes up in
the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
room.  He calls out, "Who's there?  Who's there?  What's going on?"
	"It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
	Excitedly he sits up in bed.  "Bob!  Bob!  Is that you?  Where are
you?"
	"Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
	"Heaven!  You're in heaven!  That's wonderful!  What's it like?"
	"It's great, man.  I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
Man it is smokin'!"
	"Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
tell me more!"
	"Let me put it this way," continues the voice.  "There's good news
and bad news.  The good news is that these guys are in top form.  I mean
I have *never* heard them sound better.  They are *wailing* up here."
	"The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
%
There are two ways of disliking art.   One is to dislike it.  The other is
to like it rationally.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
other is to read Pope.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
		-- Darth Vader
%
There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it is done in private
and you wash your hands afterward.
%
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
that is not being talked about.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
There's a trick to the Graceful Exit.  It begins with the vision to
recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to let
go.  It means leaving what's over without denying its validity or its
past importance in our lives.  It involves a sense of future, a belief
that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on, rather than out.
The trick of retiring well may be the trick of living well.  It's hard to
recognize that life isn't a holding action, but a process.  It's hard to
learn that we don't leave the best parts of ourselves behind, back in the
dugout or the office. We own what we learned back there.  The experiences
and the growth are grafted onto our lives.  And when we exit, we can take
ourselves along -- quite gracefully.
		-- Ellen Goodman
%
There's nothing remarkable about it.  All one has to do is hit the right
keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
		-- J.S. Bach
%
There's nothing to writing.  All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein.
		-- Red Smith
%
There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
%
There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
		-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
%
They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
		-- The Blues Brothers
%
... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...

	I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
%
This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
		-- Found on a door in the MSU music building
%
This is Jim Rockford.
At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.

This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds.  Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
his bail is forfeit.  That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.

This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you...  Is this a machine?  I don't
talk to machines!  [Click]
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
%
This is the Baron.  Angel Martin tells me you buy information.  Ok,
meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
and come alone.  I'm serious!
		-- "The Rockford Files"
%
This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
This unit... must... survive.
%
This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.  This was terrible
with raisins in it.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
	Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
from Don Quixote for a local TV show.  "I'll play the title role," proposed
Tom.  "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
%
Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
		-- Trollope
%
To be is to do.
		-- I. Kant
To do is to be.
		-- A. Sartre
Do be a Do Bee!
		-- Miss Connie, Romper Room
Do be do be do!
		-- F. Sinatra
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
		-- F. Flintstone
%
Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
%
Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream.  Join us soon for more 
spectacular adventure starring...  Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
		-- Bob & Ray
%
"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
except in major motion pictures."
		-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
%
Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
		-- Han Solo
%
Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
		-- Michelangelo
%
"Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense."
%
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
		-- Frank Lloyd Wright
%
Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
		-- Edward Gibbon
%
Use an accordion.  Go to jail.
		-- KFOG, San Francisco
%
Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds
sang there except those that sang best.
		-- Henry Van Dyke
%
Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five.  The
reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
thirty-five.
		-- Joel Hildebrand
%
 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
      entrances; others cannot.
	This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
	it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
	trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
	space.  The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
	follow into the painting.  This is ultimately a problem of art, not
	of science.
VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
	Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
	might comfortably afford.  They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
	accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
	destroyed.  After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
	elongate, snap back, or solidify.
  IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
	This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
	the physical world at large.  For that reason, we need the relief of
	watching it happen to a duck instead.
   X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
	Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
		-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
%
Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
%
Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
		-- Han Solo
%
We don't like their sound.  Groups of guitars are on the way out.
		-- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
%
We have art that we do not die of the truth.
		-- Nietzsche
%
We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday night.  Live, on the Death label.
		-- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
%
We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
%
We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual
and emotional feelings.  It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
it's not going to do anything for you.
		-- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
%
We're only in it for the volume.
		-- Black Sabbath
%
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can*
you believe?!"
		-- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
%
	"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
maim or kill innocent little children."
	"Oh, so you don't like it?"
	"Don't like it?  I'm CRAZY for it."
		-- The Killing Joke
%
"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"

"Piece of cake, Master?  Radial slice of baked confection ... coefficient of
relevance to Key of Time: zero."
		-- Dr. Who
%
Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
%
What a bonanza!  An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
		-- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
%
What an artist dies with me!
		-- Nero
%
What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque.
		-- Brendan Francis
%
	"What are you watching?"
	"I don't know."
	"Well, what's happening?"
	"I'm not sure...  I think the guy in the hat did something terrible."
	"Why are you watching it?"
	"You're so analytical.  Sometimes you just have to let art flow
over you."
		-- The Big Chill
%
What did you bring that book I didn't want to be read to out of about
Down Under up for?
%
	"What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest fantasies?"
	"You keep it to yourself."
		-- Broadcast News
%
What ever happened to happily ever after?
%
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
%
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working
when he's staring out the window.
%
	"What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
	"I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
		-- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
%
When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
%
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
%
When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
		-- Raymond Chandler
%
When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,
she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind
it less and less."
		-- Louise Andrews Kent
%
Where is John Carson now that we need him?
		-- RLG
%
While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
Eastwood agreed to a television interview.  His host, somewhat hostile,
began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
define a Clint Eastwood picture.  "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
		-- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
%
Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
%
Who is D.B. Cooper, and where is he now?
%
Who is John Galt?
%
Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
%
Who was that masked man?
%
Who's on first?
%
Who's scruffy-looking?
		-- Han Solo
%
Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
		-- Paul Simon
%
"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'?  I could
have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."
		-- Ian Shoales
%
	Why are you doing this to me?
	Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
there is change.
		-- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
%
Why do we have two eyes?  To watch 3-D movies with.
%
Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange!  I don't know why I shouldn't --
Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
do it? -- Why not? -- Strange!  I shall do the same for you, when you want
me to.  Why not?  Why should I not do it for you?  Strange!  Why not? --
I can't think why not.
		-- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
		   "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
%
Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail? 
		-- The Tasmanian Devil
%
Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.
		-- Christopher Plummer
%
Worth seeing?  Yes, but not worth going to see.
%
Would it help if I got out and pushed?
		-- Princess Leia Organa
%
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
		-- Frank Zappa
%
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
%
X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
imagination is the plot.
%
Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet.  I've got eight slugs in me.  One's lead,
the rest bourbon.  The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver.  I'm
a private eye.
		-- "Calvin & Hobbes"
%
Year  Name				James Bond	Book
----  --------------------------------	--------------	----
50's  James Bond TV Series		Barry Nelson
1962  Dr. No				Sean Connery	1958
1963  From Russia With Love		Sean Connery	1957
1964  Goldfinger			Sean Connery	1959
1965  Thunderball			Sean Connery	1961
1967* Casino Royale			David Niven	1954
1967  You Only Live Twice		Sean Connery	1964
1969  On Her Majesty's Secret Service	George Lazenby	1963
1971  Diamonds Are Forever		Sean Connery	1956
1973  Live And Let Die			Roger Moore	1955
1974  The Man With The Golden Gun	Roger Moore	1965
1977  The Spy Who Loved Me		Roger Moore	1962 (novelette)
1979  Moonraker				Roger Moore	1955
1981  For Your Eyes Only		Roger Moore	1960 (novelette)
1983  Octopussy				Roger Moore	1965
1983* Never Say Never Again		Sean Connery
1985  A View To A Kill			Roger Moore	1960 (novelette)
1987  The Living Daylights		Timothy Dalton	1965 (novelette)
	* -- Not a Broccoli production.
%
Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty feet.
		-- John Cheever
%
	"You boys lookin' for trouble?"
	"Sure.  Whaddya got?"
		-- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
%
You're all clear now, kid.  Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
		-- Han Solo
%
"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."
		-- Gary Giddens
%
Zero Mostel: That's it baby!  When you got it, flaunt it!  Flaunt it!
		-- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
%
		 (  /\__________/\  )
		  \(^ @___..___@ ^)/
		   /\ (\/\/\/\/) /\
		  /  \(/\/\/\/\)/  \
		-(    """"""""""    )
		  \      _____      /
		  (     /(   )\     )
		  _)   (_V) (V_)   (_
		 (V)(V)(V)   (V)(V)(V)
%
		 ___          ______	       Frobtech, Inc.
                /__/\     ___/_____/\          
                \  \ \   /         /\\
                 \  \ \_/__       /  \         "If you've got the job,
                 _\  \ \  /\_____/___ \         we've got the frob."
                // \__\/ /  \       /\ \
        _______//_______/    \     / _\/______
       /      / \       \    /    / /        /\
    __/      /   \       \  /    / /        / _\__
   / /      /     \_______\/    / /        / /   /\
  /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/  \
  \ \      \    ___________    \ \        \ \   \  /
   \_\      \  /          /\    \ \        \ \___\/
      \      \/          /  \    \ \        \  /
       \_____/          /    \    \ \________\/
            /__________/      \    \  /
            \   _____  \      /_____\/
             \ /    /\  \    / \  \ \
              /____/  \  \  /   \  \ \
              \    \  /___\/     \  \ \
               \____\/            \__\/
%
_/I\_____________o______________o___/I\     l  * /    /_/ *   __  '     .* l
I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\   l      *//      _l__l_   . *.  l
 [__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l  l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l
 [][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l   l  \\ // ____ >-(    )-<    /  l
 [__][__][_l    l[__][__][l    l][__][] l   l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l
 [][__][__]l   .l_][__][__]   .l__][__] l   l   ll  _(o_o)_        (@*_*@  l
 [__][__][/   <_)[__][__]/   <_)][__][] l   l   ll (  / \  )     /   / / ) l
 [][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l   l  / \\  _\  \_   /     _\_\   l
 [__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l   l______________________________l
 [__][__]] l     ,  , .      [__][__][] l
 [][__][_] l   . i. '/ ,     [][__][__] l        /\**/\       season's
 [__][__]] l  O .\ / /, O    [__][__][] l       ( o_o  )_)       greetings
_[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u  u  ,),__________________
 [__][__]]/  /l\-------/l\   [__][__][]/       {}{}{}{}{}{}<R>

In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside.

%
    ***
  *******
 *********
 ****** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
  *******
    ***
%
SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE
MICRO ARTISTS GANG!  MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR!


					     \__\_ :. ___/
						..\  /--
 :.______ :  .:*  :  . _ .:  :..  .  :   . .  :    ()_ .:
  ((     \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/  *\_o
====((    \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. .  ()_______/\\ __-'
 \____((   \ ()oo()_/ /.:  :  ..________/_____ll   -/.: ..
 (      ((  \(())))__/   .  ..  \\.: ..(   )  ll (  l_.:
(       / (( \__*__)___:___ :  : ))   .) /--------\ \ \
(      /    ((_____________) .. //  . / / /..:: .  )_)_\
 (____/_____________________\__// :  /_/_/  :..  :/_/ \_\
 /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/    /_/_/


%
			 ___====-_  _-====___
		  _--~~~#####// '  ` \\#####~~~--_
		-~##########// (    ) \\##########~-_
	       -############//  |\^^/|  \\############-
	     _~############//   (O||O)   \\############~_ 
	    ~#############((     \\//     ))#############~  
	   -###############\\    (oo)    //###############-
	  -#################\\  / `' \  //#################- 
	 -###################\\/  ()  \//###################-
	_#/|##########/\######(  (())  )######/\##########|\#_
	|/ |#/\#/\#/\/  \#/\##|  \()/  |##/\#/  \/\#/\#/\#| \|
	`  |/  V  V  `   V  )||  |()|  ||(  V   '  V /\  \|  '
	   `   `  `      `  / |  |()|  | \  '      '<||>  '
			   (  |  |()|  |  )\        /|/
			  __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/
			 (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/
%
		    ___====-_  _-====___
	      _--~~~#####//      \\#####~~~--_
	   _-~##########// (    ) \\##########~-_
	  -############//  :\^^/:  \\############-
	_~############//   (@::@)   \\############~_
       ~#############((     \\//     ))#############~
      -###############\\    (^^)    //###############-
     -#################\\  / "" \  //#################-
    -###################\\/      \//###################-
   _#/:##########/\######(   /\   )######/\##########:\#_
   :/ :#/\#/\#/\/  \#/\##\  :  :  /##/\#/  \/\#/\#/\#: \:
   "  :/  V  V  "   V  \#\: :  : :/#/  V   "  V  V  \:  "
      "   "  "      "   \ : :  : : /   "      "  "   "
%
			_-^--^=-_
		   _.-^^          -~_
		_--                  --_
	       <                        >)
	       |                         |
		\._                   _./
		   ```--. . , ; .--'''
			 | |   |
		      .-=||  | |=-.
		      `-=#$%&%$#=-'
			 | ;  :|
		_____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____
%
      _
  _  / \			   o
 / \ | |		       o	   o		 o
 | | | |   _			o    o		       o       o
 | \_| |  / \		      o			    o	 o
  \__  |  | |		  o			      o
     | |  | |		 ______	  ~~~~		    _____
     | |__/ |	       / ___--\\ ~~~		 __/_____\__
     |	___/	      / \--\\  \\   \ ___	<__  x x  __\
     | |	     / /\\  \\	     ))	 \	   (  "	 )
     | |     -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------
     | |   //	    | | //__________  /	   \	____)	(___	  \\
     | |  //	  __|_|	 ( --------- )	    //// ______ /////\	   \\
	 //	  |    (  \ ______  /	   <<<< <>-----<<<<< /	    \\
	//	 (     )		      / /	  \` \__     \\
       //-------------------------------------------------------------\\

Every now and then, when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then
drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at
top volume and at least a pint of ether.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
%
You are here:   
		***
		***
	     *********
	      *******
	       *****
		***
		 *

		 But you're not all there.
%
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
	A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath.  Rely
	on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
	of trouble.  Be relaxed, things will change.  Look for a pink slip on
	payday.  Stop wetting your bed.
%
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
	You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
	you want.  Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
	As a matter of fact they might get worse.  Intensify your
	relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
	able to lend you a few bucks.
%
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
	You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
	You lie a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to be
	careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
	and over again.  People think you are stupid.
%
ARIES (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
	Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those
	who do.  You have warts.  Focus on domestic status, financial matters,
	and venereal disease.  Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius
	natives; probably a fistfight with one of each.
%
ARIES (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
	You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
	and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
	got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
%
ARIES (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
	You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You
	are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are
	not very nice.
%
Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
%
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
	This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
	but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
	poor and unhappy.  To tell you the truth, any day is tough
	when you're poor and unhappy.
%
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
	You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems.
	They think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things off.
	That's why you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare
	recipients are Cancer people.
%
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
	Follow your instincts.  You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
	else, such as think.  Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
	it.  That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
%
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
	Play your hunches.  This is a day when luck will play an important
	part in your life.  If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
	luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either.  You are
	a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
	don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
%
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
	You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do
	much of anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn
	of any importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for
	too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
%
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
	A day to take the initiative.  Put the garbage out, for
	instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners.  Watch
	the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
	in it today, either.
%
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
	Good news and bad news highlighted.  Enjoy the good news while you
	can; the bad news will make you forget it.  You will enjoy praise
	and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker.  A short
	trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
%
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
	You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because
	you are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much
	for too little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for
	committing incest.
%
I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
		-- Salvador Dali
%
LEO (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)
	You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are pushy.
	Most Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike honest
	criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people are thieves.
%
LEO (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)
	Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.  Your
	ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
	a day coming you wouldn't believe.  As a matter of fact, if you can
	laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
%
LEO (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)
	Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
	Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you.  Be on
	your toes.  Brush your teeth.  Take Geritol.
%
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
	Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
	to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
	unfortunately you won't be one of them.  Consider not getting out
	of bed today.
%
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
	You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.
	If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.  Chances for
	employment and monetary gains are excellent.  Most Libra women
	are prostitutes.  All Libra people die of venereal disease.
%
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
	Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
	desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal.  Be gracious and
	polite.  Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
%
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
	Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
	Express card and a weapon.  The world is yours today, as nobody
	else wants it.  Your mortgage will be foreclosed.  You will probably
	get run over by a bus.
%
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
	You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
	by the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your associates
	and people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack confidence
	and you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible things to
	small animals.
%
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
	You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today. It
	will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the job
	you wanted.  Don't lend anyone a car today.  You don't have a car.
%
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
	Move slowly today, be deliberate.  Indications are for bleeding
	ulcers.  Drink milk.  Try not to be your usual offensive and
	obnoxious self.  Call your mother.
%
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
	You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless
	tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority
	of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both.  People
	laugh at you a great deal.
%
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
	Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
	backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus.  Subdue
	impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
%
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov 21.)
	You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will
	achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
	ethics.  Most Scorpio people are murdered.
%
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
	Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans.  Smile.  Check
	for concealed weapons.  Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
	to throw up.  Knock it off.
%
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
	You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
	dollars in prizes.  It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
	subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
	to win.  You never learn.
%
TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20)
	Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
	find you boorish and headstrong.  Travel, promotion, and romance
	highlighted, if you live long enough.  Don't take any wooden nickels.
%
TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20)
	Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
	because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway.  You will
	decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
%
TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20)
	You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged determination
	and work like hell.  Most people think you are stubborn and bull
	headed.  You are a Communist.
%
Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
Silly Putty.
		-- Dennis Rawlins
%
VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22)
	Get it in writing.  Be careful.  You are surrounded by lechers and
	assholes; birds of a feather flock together.  Trust no one.  People
	will not be offended, because they've come to recognize you for the
	paranoid neurotic that you are.  Your dentures are loose.
%
VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
	Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
	to ten without using your fingers.  Be careful dressing this
	morning.  You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
	wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
	that old underwear you own.
%
VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
	You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is
	sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and
	sometimes fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good bus
	drivers.
%
YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
	by Miss Fortune

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
	You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
	type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party.  Just take
	beer!  Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and
	remember, in California Hoalloween is redundant anyhow.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
	Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall.  You find others are
	fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and
	your bank account.  Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive
	when other discover your good qualities without your help.
%
YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
	by Miss Fortune

ARIES (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
	Matters are not good, where you health is concerned.  This Fall, be
	sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep
	soundly" and you will live all the days of your life.

TAURUS (Apr. 20 - May 20)
	You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
	in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
	brewskis.  Don't fret too much, Taurus.  To get back on your feet
	simply miss two car payments.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
	You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
	common with yourself.  You both prefer ales, you've both tried your
	hand at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that
	opens.  Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your
	partner until you meet in court.
%
YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
	by Miss Fortune

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
	You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel you
	owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
	in your beer.  Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're
	going to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?

LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22)
	You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
	heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they
	have in stock.  Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know
	where to shop.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
	Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
	affecting your job production the next morning.  You feel a nine to
	five job is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel
	the need for a career change.  Just remember, people who work sitting
	down get paid more than people who work standing up.
%
YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
	by Miss Fortune

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
	"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?" is your
	motto.  You don't do much other than sleep, eat, down brewskis, and
	watch TV.  Your friends and family are constantly pestering you to
	clean up your act.  But it's OK, Scorpio.  A kick in the ass is at
	least one step forward.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
	You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks.
	My advice is to drink copius amounts of beer just to get the thought
	of food out of your mind.  Remember, a good reducing exercise consists
	of placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
	Remember that day you had one beer too many and did something
	extremely foolish?  Now your friends are coming and going and your
	enemies accumulating.  Cheer up!  All is not lost.  It's better to
	be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not.
%
A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint.  The VWD examines him
and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
examine him about his recent diet.
	"Well, I ate a missionary yesterday.  Do you think that could be
the problem?"
	The VWD says "Hmmmm."  (All doctors say "Hmmmm.")  "That could be.
Tell me a bit about this missionary."
	"Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe.  He was
walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
	"Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!")  There's your problem," smiles
the VWD.  You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
%
	A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do.  Finding them
missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
his recently completed carpet-installation.  Not wanting to pull up all that
work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
flat.  Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
	At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
"Have you seen my parakeet?"
%
A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea.  The island
on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
and exhausted, to a thick stake.  They then proceeded to cut his arms
with their spears and drink his blood.  This continued for several days
until the castaway could stand no more.  He yelled for the cannibal chief
and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
spears has got to stop.  Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
%
A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.  Then you
call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone.  "Hear that?" you say.
"That's dynamite, baby."
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
	A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved 
dog in his brother's care.  The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his 
brother and inquires after his pet.
	"Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
	The guy is devastated.  "You know how much that dog meant to me," 
he moaned into the phone.  "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way 
of breaking the news?  Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got 
outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a 
corner...' or something...?  Why are you always so thoughtless?"
	"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
	"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us.  How are you anyway?
How's Mom?"
	His brother is silent a moment.  "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got 
outside one day..."
%
	A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
	A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
be?  I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
	"Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
dog's stuck in its throat."
%
	A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
longest procession he's ever seen.  It seems to consist of the hearse,
followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
other men.  After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
	"Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen.  What happened, who is
the funeral for?"
	"Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
in-law of the man at the front of the procession.  You see, his Doberman
attacked and killed her."
	"That's awful!", replies the onlooker.  "But... um... tell me, you
don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
	"Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
%
A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
by the side of the street.  Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on.  The fellow explained
that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
himself with gasoline and set himself on fire.  "That's terrible," gasped
the man.  "But why is everyone still standing around?"
	"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
onlooker explained.  "Would you be willing to help?"
	"Well, sure," replied the New Yorker.  "I suppose I could spare a
gallon or two."
%
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.  "That's what
I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".

As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he
sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
%
A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
family dog, Old Blue with him, for company.  He's only been there a few weeks
when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it.  The boy calls his folks:
	"How are you?" they ask.
	"Oh, I'm fine," he says.
	"And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
	"Well, he's kind of depressed.  You see, there's this lady up here
that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk.  She charges a thousand
dollars."
	The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation.  The boy leaves Ol' Blue
at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents.  Sure
enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
"Where's Old Blue?"
	"Well, Pa," says the boy.  "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm.  Old Blue,
well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
years?'"
	The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
%
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
%
A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
%
A woman was married to a golfer.  One day she asked, "If I were
to die, would you remarry?"
	After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
	The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
	"Yes," he replied.  "That's a good car and it runs well."
	"Well, would you live in this house?"
	"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. 
I've always loved it here."
	"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
	"No."
	"Why not?"
	"She's left handed."
%
After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc.  These pioneers conducted many important
electrical experiments.  For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
medicine.  Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
that it sinks like a stone.
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
%
Always run from a knife and rush a gun.	
		-- Jimmy Hoffa
%
An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized
logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt.  Note that the anarchists have
been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization.
		-- Encyclopadia Apocryphia
%
An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
a deeply loved family member.  The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
hours.  Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
of heaven...  I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
	"No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
"Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
	A faint smile crosses the old man's face.  "Go and get me a sliver of
strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
	One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
	"Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
	"I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
funeral."
%
And so it goes.  It is humiliating, when you should know better, to become
victim of the timeless story of the little brown dog running across the
freight yard, crossing all the railroad tracks until a switch engine nipped
off the end of his tail between wheel and rail.  The little dog yelped, and
he spun so quickly to check himself out that the next wheel chopped through
his little brown neck.  The moral is, of course, never lose your head over
a piece of tail.
		-- John D. MacDonald, "The Scarlet Ruse"
%
And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it looking
good, we have to care for it as though it were our own.  One approach is to
undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin is turned inside-out,
so the young cells are on the outside, but then of course you have the
unpleasant side effect that your insides gradually fill up with dead old
cells and you explode.  So this procedure is pretty much limited to top
Hollywood stars for whom youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as
Elizabeth Taylor and Orson Welles.
		-- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
%
As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
interested in the basic nature of humor.  "What kind of a sick perverted
disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make
jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
%
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
		-- Jack Handley
%
As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears.  Unable to pull
your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
with your complexion.  You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
from the limbs of the tree.  Snap!  Your head falls off and rolls all
over the ground.  The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head.  Worse yet, the
spider is suing you for damages.
%
At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
		-- H.R. Gumby
%
"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

	(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
	(2) Advising the President.
	(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin."
		-- David Letterman
%
Bitch, bitch, bitch --
That's all I ever hear,
Ever since the dog ate the baby,
"Get rida the dog, get rida the dog."
%
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
%
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
%
"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
to suspect 'Hungry' ..."
		-- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
%
****  CONVENTION REMINDER

No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects 
Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team.  If you notice 
smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel 
carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button 
marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
%
Crush!  Kill!  Destroy!
%
Cut a man's hand when you fight him.  He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
of his own blood.  That's when you stick him in the throat.
		-- Gerry Youghkins
%
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.
		-- Jack Handley
%
Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?  _____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you pillage!!
%
Damned if I know.  And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car
from Avis again.
		-- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an
		axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of his
		rented car.
%
Dear Abby:
	I have two brothers.  One was sent to the electric chair when I was
a child.  My mother died in an insane asylum.  My father is a pimp and my
sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute.  My other brother
is a graduate student attending Purdue University.
	Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison
for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag.  We're very
much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured.
	My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue?

		Sincerely,
		Undecided.
%
Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will be
the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over the table.
		-- The Anarchist Cookbook
%
Did you know?
		EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
			   APPROXIMATELY
		       150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
			      KILLED

		 Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
		  "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
	-- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.

A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.

			     SPONSORED BY
		Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
	       Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
	      Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
		   Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters

Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
%
Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same
room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach.  Wild!
		-- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings
%
Does it rape elephants?
		-- Brent Byer
%
Don
Ameche:	I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!
	Was she pretty?
W.C.:	Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
	bad road.  She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have
	to sleep with her head in a safe.  She died in Bolivia.
Don:	Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
W.C.:	It's almost impossible.
		-- W.C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
		   Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
%
Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
		-- Firesign Theatre
%
Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
by blood lost to the voracious mosquito.  The estimated life-expectancy
of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes.  In that
time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
kill him.
		-- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
%
Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet

The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat.  Dr. Fritzkee's
Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
luxury that you never feel hungry.

Here's how the diet works:

	FOODS ALLOWED
First Month:	One egg
Second Month:	A raisin
Third Month:	Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.

If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
%
Driving in Texas is simple.  For the first 100 miles you swerve to avoid
jackrabbits.  For the second 100 miles you hit whatever jackrabbits get in
the way.  After that you chase off into the brush after them.
%
During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were 
blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a red-face 
country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost 
hit my wife."

"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a shot at
mine, over there."
%
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.

[Well, actually, to either of you...  Ed.]
%
Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy.
%
Even popularity can be overdone.  In Rome, along at first, you are full of
regrets that Michaelangelo died; but by and by you only regret that you didn't
see him do it.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
		-- Jean Baechler
%
Famous last words:
	1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual.
	2: You and what army?
	3: Don't worry, I can handle it.
	4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't
		be a cop.
	5: I don't see how they make a profit
		out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth.
	6: We're just getting into semantics again.
	7: Everything's under control.
	8: He's an asshole!  Don't try to "shush" me!
%
Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
%
FOR SALE:
	Parachute.  Used once.  Never opened.  Slightly Stained.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS!	#6

RAZORBACK:			Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
	One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and
	arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating
	hog.  Some violence.  With Gregory Harrison.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10

CARTABLANCA:
	Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells
	only Mexican beer.  Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
	trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
	wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
	fit to be sold.  Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
	which the much-hated German beer distributer is drowned in a vat.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11

MONOPOLI:
	Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
	games.  The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
	another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
	Boardwalk property.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4

WITLESS:
	Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
	of his career.  Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
	run from corrupt officials.  He is wounded and then nursed back to
	health by Amish Mennonites.  Fearful that they might unwittingly
	reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7

OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
	This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
	frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
	Africa" is showing.  Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
	Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
	younger viewers.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8

THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
	The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
	appliance, which invites them to play.  The Smurfs learn a valuable
	(if sometimes fatal) lesson.

THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
	The inevitable sequel.  The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
	Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
	of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
	becoming rather greasy smoke.  Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
%
FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS:	#4

Socrates:		I DRANK WHAT!?!?
Tarzan:			Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
Al Capone:		There's a violin in my violin case!
Pilot, TWA Fl. #343:	What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
%
God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
change the things we can, and wisdom to hide the bodies of the slobs we
have to kill for pissing us off ...
%
Goldfish... what stupid animals.  Even Wayne Cody stops eating before
he bursts.
%
Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
		-- Johnny Carson
%
Guns don't kill people.  Bullets kill people.
%
Happy is the child whose father died rich.
%
Harris had the beefsteak pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
and I were waiting with our plates ready.
	"Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
the gravy with."
	The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
reach one out.  We were not five seconds getting it.  When we looked round
again, Harris and the pie were gone!
	It was a wide, open field.  There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for 
hundreds of yards.  He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
	George and I gazed all about.  Then we gazed at each other.
	"Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
	"They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
	There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
theory.
	"I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
	And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
hadn't been carving that pie."
		-- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
%
Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game.  The game, as
always, was close.  They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green.  There
were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
feet beyond it.  Harry went first.  He carefully addressed the ball and hit
a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
pond.  Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
procession along the road just behind the green.  Fred put down his club,
took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass.  As soon as
the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
again.  Harry said, "Damn, Fred.  That was a really nice thing you did,
waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
	Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball.  It
was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole.  "It's the least I
could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
you know."
%
	Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home 
from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
	"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly.  "You
promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
nine.  It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
	"Honey, wait," said Harry.  "Let me explain.  I know what I promised
you, but I have a very good reason for being late.  Fred and I tee'd off
right on time and everything was find for the first three holes.  Then, on
the fourth tee Fred had a stroke.  I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
find a doctor.  And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead.  So, for
the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
%
Have you flogged your kid today?
%
	He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
heal.  Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
ordered the dog brought in.  Just as he had suspected, the dog had
rabies.  Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
felt he had to prepare him for the worst.  The poor man sat down at the
doctor's desk and began to write.  His physician tried to comfort him.
"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
right now."
	"I'm not making out any will," relied the man.  "I'm just writing
out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
%
He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
		-- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
%
He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the
cabbages.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land.  He loved it so much he
made a woman out of dirt and married her.  But when he kissed her, she
disintegrated.  Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them.  At his hanging, he
told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
		-- Jack Handley
%
He was the sort of person whose personality would be greatly improved
by a terminal illness.
%
He was the world's only armless sculptor.  He put the chisel in his mouth
and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet.
		-- Fred Allen
%
He's got the heart of a little child, and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
%
	"Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
	"Thanks.  Got it upstairs already."
	"Do it alone?"
	"Nope.  Hitched the cat to it."
	"How would that help?"
	"Used a whip."
%
Hello, friend!  You say things aren't going too well?  You say you have a 
date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?  
And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so 
you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right 
smack in the puss?  And then there's a big explosion behind you and you 
don't hear your girl screaming any more?  

	Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
	You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
	You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
%
	"Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
	"Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion!  Busy day?"
	"Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
	"Four hours to bury a cat!?"
	"Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
	"Oh, it's not dead then."
	"Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're goin' away
for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be on the safe side."
	"Quite right.  You don't want to come back from Sorrento to a dead
cat, do you?"
		-- Monty Python's Flying Circus
%
Help Stamp Out Rape!  (Say Yes.)
%
HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake.  Straddle a big crack in
the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
around as if you're going to fall.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch!
%
Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
		-- Chris Shaw
%
How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
		-- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
%
	"How'd you get that flat?"
	"Ran over a bottle."
	"Didn't you see it?"
	"Damn kid had it under his coat."
%
I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
box office.  I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
relief from the Washington Summer.  Instead I was traumatized.  As a
psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
more effective.  For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
sense of security and comfort.  Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
be great conversationalists.  Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
thunderstorm.  You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
the meadow, generally mellow out.  Then, without any particular warning,
your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
apparent intention of having sex.  Next thing you know, the forest burns
down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
		-- Townsend Davis
%
I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork.  It's useless to fight the
forms.  You've got to kill the people producing them.
		-- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
		   Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
		   Party Conference
%
I collect rare photographs...  I have two...  One of Houdini locking his
keys in his car...  the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
up a child.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I could never learn to like her -- except on a raft at sea with no
other provisions in sight.
		-- Mark Twain
%
I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that the
Earth will be destroyed in the next several days.  Congress is thinking
about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals
to alien beings.  This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have nuclear
blaster death cannons.  You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they
were merely poor people ...
                -- Dave Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE COMING!"
%
I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.

No, I didn't. Just kidding.  I just said that to illustrate one of the
human emotions which is freaking out.  Another emotion is greed, as when
you kill someone for money or something like that.  Another emotion is
generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
puppet.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
one of us.  Later, we found out he was a bear.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way.  We shot him, we skinned him, and
we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad!
		-- Steven Wright
%
I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
%
I have a very firm grasp on reality!  I can reach out and strangle it any time!
%
	"I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state.  I blame society.
Society made me what I am today!"
	"That's bullshit Archie.  You're just a young suburban punk like me."
	"It still...  hurts... auugghh!"
	"You're going to be okay..."
	"...gurgle..."
		"... maybe not."
		-- Repo Man
%
"I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?'
Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
myself.  But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
one question: `Do I feel lucky?'  Well, do you, punk?"
		-- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
%
I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
		-- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
%
I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
parents were taking their children to see it.  So what?  Why should the
motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
	Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
	"What's it about?"
	"Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
	"Sounds great!  Let's take the kids!"
		-- Ian Shoales
%
I wrecked trains because I like to see people die.  I like to hear
them scream.
		-- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
		   escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
%
"I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking
a customer.  "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
	"That's all right," said the customer.  "I'll just take it home under
my arm."
%
I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
		-- W.C. Fields
%
IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
is, "God is crying."  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
		-- G.C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
%
... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
pool cues, who would win?
	(1) Ricky Schroder
	(2) Gary Coleman
	(3) The television viewing public
		-- David Letterman
%
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
swimming.
		-- Jack Handley
%
If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem.  Don't lay it on
me.  The old lady has to take care of her own weight.
		-- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being
		arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house.
%
If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
		-- David Letterman
%
If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
don't like it.
		-- Gerry Youghkins
%
If you love something set it free.  If it doesn't come back to you,
hunt it down and kill it.
%
"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw."
		-- W. C. Fields
%
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
		-- Jack Handley
%
If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
		-- Niccoli Machiavelli, "The Prince"
%
Inspector:	"Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first hunting accident?"
Mrs. Freem:	"His first fatal one, yes."
		-- Woody Allen
%
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Dwarf-list
From: Doc
Re: S. White

	If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill
her.   I'll give her apples, nice big apples.  With surprises inside. Yeah,
surprises.
%
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Dwarf-list
From: Happy
Re: S. White

	Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one
more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off.  Have a nice day.
%
It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road.  His
wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights.  He is wearing a
kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top.  His yellow hair
and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood.  He could pass for some
kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
sticking out of his chest.  *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
		-- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
%
	It seems that John gets this phone call:
	"Hello," he answers.  The voice on the other end of the line
is hard and cold.
	"This is Susan," he hears.  "We met at a party a few months ago.
	"Of course, Susan!", John replies.  "How are you?"
	"Not very well.  Remember how after the party you took me home and
we parked?  And you told me that I was a 'good sport'?  Well, I'm pregnant
and I'm going to kill myself tonight."
	John is silent for a few moments, collecting his thoughts.  "Well,"
he finally replies, "you sure *are* a good sport."
%
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, and a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo.
They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and
the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.  "That gorilla is getting
excited just looking at your tits," he said.  "Why don't you take your blouse
off and we'll see what he does?"
	At first she refused.  But finally persuaded by her husband, she took
off her blouse and bra.  The gorilla went nuts.  He started grunting and
jumping up and down.
	"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind.  Take off all
your clothes and we'll see what he does."
	Again she said no and again he persuaded her.  This time the ape
really went bananas!  He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around
in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.  The husband went over to
the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
	"Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!"
%
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up
not doing it.  That was one thing I kept to myself.  I've never spoken or
written of it until just now, today.  And I have to tell you that it seems
a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential.  But for me it was
the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found
myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life --
my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing
where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there
was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us
our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an
oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died.  I
would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of
her ears, the white flash of her tail.  But eight hundred million Red Chinese
don't give a shit, right?  The most important things are the hardest to say,
because words diminish them.  It's hard to make strangers care about the
good things in your life.
		-- Stephen King, "The Body"
%
It was pity stayed his hand.  "Pity I don't have any more bullets," thought
Frito.
		-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
%
"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome...  I don't think I can stand
any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are 
never missed.  The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really...  We come
out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
What is the point of it all?  Who thought up this sickening circle of
flesh and blood?  We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, multilation, and
then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever.  Who could
have thought it up, I wonder?"
		-- James Purdy
%
It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
		-- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
%
Joan of Arc is alive and medium well.
%
July 4

Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days
of the year put together.  This proves, by the number left in stock, that one
Fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Keep patting your enemy on the back until a small bullet hole appears
between your fingers.
		-- Joe Bonanno
%
Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
%
Kill a commie for Christ!
%
Kill a commy for your mommy.
%
Kill for the love of killing!  Kill for the love of Kali!
		-- Hindu saying
%
Kill your parents.
		-- Jerry Rubin
%
Knights are hardly worth it.  I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
%
Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the fun?
%
Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies.
When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife
raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled.  When he told his
distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only
stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a
black hat and a red neckerchief.
	The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villian.
He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after
dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but
had just departed; usually after some heinous crime.
	One evening after a hard day's ride he came into a town, tied his
horse, and entered the saloon.  At a table in the corner sat an ugly man,
with a black hat and a red neckerchief!  Slowly the cowboy stalked up to
this man, his hands resting upon his guns.
	"Are you the man who killed my family, raped my wife, burned my
house and rustled my cattle?"
	"Probably; after so many, how can I be sure?" snarled the bandit.
	"You better cut that shit out!"
%
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
		-- W. C. Fields
%
Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't
seem survival oriented.  For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
with, well, her mate, will devour him.  For the male praying mantis, however,
it's a catch-22.  If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
again.  If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree.  This
suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
life forms are periodically subject to its wrath.  How did the preying mantis
become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle?  This is probably what happened:
	The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis.  After
some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphram) they mate.
The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
male raids the refrigerator and returns home.  This behavior continues until
the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship.  Then the
male establishes a new pattern of behavior:  Football on Mondays, baseball on
Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office
on Thursdays, etc. etc.  The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for
a divorce.  After a long court battle, she concludes one thing:  It simplifies
matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.
	Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome
has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans.  That is
why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled
to bite the head off of the male.  The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
%
	Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice.  "Just think of all the
people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
	Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
		-- Spike Milligan
%
	Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly 
approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
	"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?  
All I have in the world is this gun."
%
My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:

Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
%
My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer.  First
she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her.  This summer I'm going to go
back and dig her up.
%
	"My God!  Are we sure he was a liberal?"
	"Pretty sure.  They pulled him from a Volvo."
%
Negotiate, my ass!  Let's kill something!
%
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
%
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.
%
Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
%
Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
%
New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
		-- Monty Python's Big Red Book
%
NEWSFLASH!!
	Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
It was.  Age 31.
%
No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was
human nature.
%
Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
%
... Now you're ready for the actual shopping.  Your goal should be to get it
over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall,
the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall
public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children
emotionally.  For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who
befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then
melts.  And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who,
because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other
reindeer.  Then along comes good, old Santa.  Does he ignore the deformity?
Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive
reindeer he is underneath?  No.  Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as
if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a
tail.  So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of
insensitivity, you should shop quickly.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
%
Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
%
Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
%
On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
car looked exactly like his neighbor's.  Stopping hurriedly on the side of
the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
	"Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
you come any closer."
	"But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
explained.
	"OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned.  "There was a
decapitation."
	The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length.  "Is this your friend?"
	"That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said.  "Henry's much
taller."
%
	On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum 
to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.  
There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning 
alive.  "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't 
dead yet.  I can see her lips moving.  Go quickly and find out what she is 
saying."
	The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
the flames as he dared, and listened intently.  Then he turned and ran back
to the imperial box.  "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
singing."
	"Singing?" said the astounded emperor.  "Singing what?"
	"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
%
	Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.  We
traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
see a shopper emerge from the mall.  Then we follow her, in very much the same
spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
week, until it led them to a parking space.
	We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us.  Sometimes, two cars
will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler.  So, we follow
our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall.  Sometimes our
shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
go back to shopping.  But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
		-- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
		   Skirmish"
%
	Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught.  He fought with it for hours,
until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface.  Looking of the edge
of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface.  Smiling
with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up.  Unfortunately, he
accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
"sploosh!"  Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch.  Sadly, the
fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
	Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
boring assembly-line job in a large city.  He worked in a fish-processing
plant.  It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
heads, readying them for the next phase in processing.  This monotonous task
went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
his entire world, day after day, week after weary week.  Well, one day, as he
was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
the line looked very familiar.  Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
he had lost on that day so many years ago?  He trembled with anticipation as
his cleaver came down.  IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD!  IT WAS HIS THUMB!
%
	Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
to experience an elephant for the first time.  One approached the elephant,
and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
like a tree."  The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
is like a strong hose."  The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool!  An elephant
is like a rope!"  The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
a wall."  The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
perception of the elephant.
	The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
attacked the men.  He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
bloody lumps of flesh.  Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions.  When I first saw
them I didn't think they they'd be any fun at all."
%
One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
without laughing.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked.  For instance, I was going to take
my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
warehouse.  "Oh, oh," I said.  "Disneyland burned down."  He cried and
cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.

I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
Only way to open lips of pigeon: sledgehammer.
%
Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
%
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
%
	"Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
sounding a bit worried.
	"Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
	"I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
said quickly.
	"That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
Cobb said, hopping out.
		-- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
%
Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently dropped
the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
		-- Love and Rockets
%
Please do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
%
PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
%
Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
%
Readers Ask:
	Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun?

Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is
usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible.  If
a professional exterminater specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is
possible to handle the situation with common household items.  However, much
of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying.  First,
driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill
it.  Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than
puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock?  Stake driving should be
avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire,
and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness.
Handguns are also a definite no-no.  Common sense indicates that it requires
more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver
through its body.  One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the
sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with
holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will
do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the
urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad
(i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut).  Sure, it's a lot of work.  But
you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again.
%
Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
that you're the one holding it.
		-- Mr. Greenfatigues
%
		Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
		  Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.

	(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms,
	    bugs, ants.
	(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
	(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
	(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
	(5) Exotic birds flock around you.
	(6) People ignore you at parties.
	(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
	(8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
%
		Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence

	(1)  Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
	     bomb; use the stairs.
	(2)  When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
	     the ground.
	(3)  If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
	(4)  Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
	     psychological problems.
	(5)  Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge.  Learn to
	     recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
	     potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
	(6)  Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
	     will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
	(7)  Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
	(8)  Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
	     staggering illegally.
	(9)  Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
	     sanitary due to limited circulation.
	(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
	     D-Day.
%
	Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
"I can't stand elephants," he explained.  "I lie awake nights despising
them.  The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
	"Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.  
Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
That way you'll get it out of your system."
	Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
inviting his best friend to join him.   They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
time getting out on the jungle trails.  After they had been hunting for
several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
yelled at him:
	"Sam, Sam, Sam!  Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer 
barrel!  Now aim it!  QUICK!  SAM!  QUICK!  No!  Not that way -- this way!
Be sure you don't jerk the trigger!  Wait SAM!  Don't let him see you!  Aim
at his head!"
	Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend.  He was put in
prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him.  "I sent you over
here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the 
psychiatrist said.  "Why?"
	"Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
%
Save the whales.  Club a seal instead.
%
Scene:
	A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
	room.  A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red
	and white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted
	in filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
	shoulder.  His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the
	boy intently watching him.

Caption:
	"I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy.  Now I'll have to kill you.
%
Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
was going on.  One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
himself to demonstrate his committment to the Rev. Moon.  The man gasped and
asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
	"Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
%
Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
register.
	"Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
	"Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
	"GRIZZLIES?!?!"
	"A few."
	"Got any bear bells?"
	"What's that?"
	"You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
bears know yer there so's they can run away ...  I'll take one fer black
bears, and one fer them grizzlies.  Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
country, anyhow?"
	"Look fer scatt.  Grizzly scatt's different from black bear scatt."
	"Well now, what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?"
	"Bear bells."
%
Silly Sally was baby sitting.  But Silly Sally was getting bored.  Thinking
a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage.  Silly Sally pushed the
carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one.  She pushed
the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN!  It slipped out
of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
intersection in town.   BUT!

Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
BECAUSE!  SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
%
Silly Sally was playing in the garage.  And she was being disobedient.
She was playing with matches...  AND...  She burned down the garage.
(OHHHHHH)  Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally!  You have been naughty!
And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!"  BUT!

Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
BECAUSE!  SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
%
... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks.  Generally, their procedure
is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as to infest the
waters.  I would estimate that the primary food source of sharks today is
bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries.  Once the
sharks arrive, they are generally fairly listless.  The general shark
attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another documentary." So the divers have to
somehow goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research.
"We know very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the
narrator will say, in a deeply scientific voice.  "That is why Todd is going
to jab this Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers
keep this kind of thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps
at them, and then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
%
Some people call them "cars" or "trucks;" I call them "dimensional
transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
two-dimensional ones.
		-- F. Frederick Skitty
%
Sometimes it happens.  People just explode.  Natural causes.
		-- Repo Man
%
Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
%
Support the American Kidney Foundation.  Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
%
Thanksgiving Day.

Let all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks, now, but the turkeys.  In the
island of Fiji they do not use turkeys; they use plumbers.  It does not become
you and me to sneer at Fiji.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
-- THE BATES MOTEL --
					... convenient
					...      clean
					...       cozy

	Norman, knock loudly,
	     I'm in the shower.

		M.
%
The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic
death.  He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks.
Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city,
complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his
breakfast tray.  At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's
death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play.  Then the rest of the King's
relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion.  Some
were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning.  A
few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants
unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast.  At least three appear to have
thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of
grief over the King's untimely end.  Finally there was no one left in Minas
Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and
the rule of Twodor was up for grabs.  The scullery slave Parrafin bravely
accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant
of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's
enemies, and revamp the postal system.
		-- Bored of the Rings, "Harvard Lampoon"
%
The first guy that rats gets a belly-full of slugs in the head.  Understand?
		-- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
%
	The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
	"What happened?"
	"Dunno," replied the man.  "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
-- well, I'll be damned.  There goes another one!"
%
The Fortune Travel Agency offers a special... Vacation in Hell!
	-- Grace Kelly drives you to the airport.
	-- Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island.
	-- Ted Kennedy's your chauffeur on the island.
	-- You go yachting with Natalie Wood.
	-- You have drinks with William Holden.
	-- And Roman Polanski stays at home and watches your kids.
%
The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
before him.  To ride their horses and take away their possessions.  To see
the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
their wives and daughters to his arms.
		-- Genghis Khan
%
"The hell with the prime directive!  Let's kill something!"
%
The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
branch scraped her forehead lightly.  The groom dismounted, glared at his
wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
	The ride then proceeded.  After another mile or so, the bride's
horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
"That's two," he said.
	Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl.  Immediately, the groom was
off his horse.  "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
shot the horse between the eyes.
	"You brute!" shrieked his bride.  "Now I see the kind of man I
married!  You're a sadist, that's what!"
	The groom turned to her coolly.  "That's one," he said.
%
The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember.
Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave
its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to
us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the
facet that it can bite your head off.  This causes us humans to feel a
certain degree of awe.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
%
The Least Successful Animal Rescue
	The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
rescue attempts of all time.  Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
tree.  They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea.  Driving off
later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well-dressed,
alert and obviously intelligent.  The judge asked him how he pleaded to
the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he replied,
"Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor."
	"Insanity?" exclaimed the judge.
	"Yes, sir," said the defendant.  "I'm just crazy about it."
%
The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
children for their insurance money.
		-- Sherlock Holmes
%
The people of Halifax invented the trampoline.  During the Victorian
period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden
frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it.  The tripoline,
as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator
sport.

The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
castrating pigs during Sunday service.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by
mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club.  Once
tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims
the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
showed that all had these things in common:

	(1) They all had moderate appetites.
	(2) They all came from middle class homes
	(3) All but two of them were dead.
%
		The Snack

"Oh my God," screamed Mommy, "You went and ate the Baby."

"What baby?" asked Daddy.  "You know that's just the last of the leftover 
	donkey."

"Donkey, my ass!" said Mommy with some sentience.  "Do you think I don't
	recognize my own baby?  Why I can still see his little privates
	caught in the gap between your front teeth.  How many times have I
	told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer?"

"But there wasn't a thing to eat," cried Daddy.
	"And am I not the master of my own?"

"Nothing to eat?
	What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you
	just last week in the ball jar?  Our very first baby, too," wailed
	Mommy, "that I was saving for Christmas dinner."

"Testicles, testicles," said Daddy.  "A man gets tired of testicles."
		-- L.L. Zeiger
%
The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
		-- Ed Bluestone, The National Lampoon
%
The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
		-- Caltech
%
The Worst Homing Pigeon
	This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
expected to reach its base that evening.  It was returned by post, dead,
in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
	Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
it's got so much stuff floating around in it.  It takes the edge out of
the colors.  Down here even the traffic lights are pastel.  And people!
With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
make sure that they are Earthlings.  Then there's the police.  In Portland,
when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS!  ALL!  STARTED!  WHEN!  YOU!  WERE!
THREE! YEARS!  OLD!  ON!  ACCOUNT! OF!  YOUR MOTHER!  RIGHT?  SO!  LET'S!
TALK! ABOUT!  IT!"  Down here they don't waste that kind of time.  The LAPD
has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
		-- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
%
There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
armor.  His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree.  His broad
shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
body.  There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
He speaks with a commanding voice:

		"YOU SHALL NOT PASS"

As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
%
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
and praiseworthy ...
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
suitable application of high explosives.
%
There is this trouble about special providences--namely, there is so often a
doubt as to which party was intended to be the beneficiary.  In the case of the
children, the bears and the prophet, the bears got more real satisfaction out
of the episode than the prophet did, because they got the children.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well.  The
king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land.  He also wished
in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate.  One day he said
to the prince:
	"If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
what would your decision be, my son?"
	The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
her that she was my best friend, and cut her head off."
	The king knew that his son would be a great king.
%
	There was a knock on the door.  Mrs. Miffin opened it.  "Are
you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
	"I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
	"Oh, no?" replied the little boy.  "Wait 'til you see what
they're carrying upstairs!"
%
There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionallly put up
with taking in a round with his wife.  One time (with his wife along) he
was having an extremely bad round.  On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
over by a grounds-keepers' shack.  Although he did not have a clear shot
to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
able to hit through.  Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
around to the other side and open the far door.  Sure enough, this gave
him a clear path to the green.  He stepped up to his ball and prepared
to hit.  His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
hit through.  After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
the doorway, to see what he was doing.  At that exact moment, the husband
cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
her instantly.  A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
course, this time with a friend of his.  Once again on the 12th hole, he
sliced his drive to the shack.  His friend suggested that he might be able
to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
	"Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
%
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
		-- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last words
		   Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
%
"They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
parents will be happy to see them.  I mean, really, can you imagine someone 
being happy to see an orphan?  Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
	The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the 
whereabouts of their natural parents.  She is a woman with a mission:
	"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
country.  We're completely computerized.
	"The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
leads as possible.  We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
country.  Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared.  They
look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
	"Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.  
He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
	"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with.  Last year
we even sent one kid all the way to Australia.  I mean, really.  Besides, if
your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
		-- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
%
They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
		-- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
%
They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos.  Had one get loose on me
back in '62.  It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
for freedom.
		-- Stig's Inferno
%
	This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling
good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair,
sobbing  like crazy.  He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?"
	"I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed...
<sniffle>"
	So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady.
He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss.  This does wonders, and
the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders
away feeling wonderful.
	Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and
sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out.  Gallant to the
end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?"
	"I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..."
	The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings
her over to the shore, and throws her into the water.  "Now you're fucked!"
%
... this is an awesome sight.  The entire rebel resistance buried under six
million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
		-- The Firesign Theater
%
This is supposed to be a 'appy occasion.  Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over
'oo killed 'oo!
		-- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
This one is for all you military types.  For those who don't know, Rangers
are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army.  Marines are people
who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
don't actually hurt.
	One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
man enough to take me on?"
	The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
Ranger.  When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight.  There is the sound of
a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet.  Soon, the
Ranger reappears, quite untouched.  He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
"Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
	The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
charging after the Ranger.  They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
"What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir.  There're two of them!"
%
This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck.  His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
could groan was "My BMW!  My BMW!"
	The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
and was lying about twenty feet away.
	There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
"Oh no!  My Rolex!  My Rolex!"
%
TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
circus and a clown killed my dad.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
Two pirates are sitting in a seaside tavern, talking.  One of them has a
hook instead of a hand, and an eye patch.  The other pirate has a wooden
leg.  Over a few beers, they start to tell each other how they received their
injuries.
	"One day," says the first pirate, "we had pulled alongside a merchant
vessel and were boarding her.  I had my sword drawn when suddenly a man with
a saber caught me by surprise and cut my hand off.  So I had this hook put
on.  How did you lose your leg?"
	"From a broadside of grapeshot from an English military vessel, in a
terrific battle off the coast of France.  And how about your eye?"
	"Well, I don't really like to talk about it," said the first pirate.
	"Come on," says the second pirate.  "It doesn't matter after all
these years, does it?"
	"Oh, okay," says the first pirate.  "See, it's pretty embarrassing;
a seagull shit in my eye."
	"A seagull!?  I can see how that would hurt, but I don't see why
you would *lose* the eye..."
	"But," the first pirate says, "it was my first day with the hook."
%
Two recent emigrants to the United States, on their first day off the boat
in New York City, spied a hotdog vendor.  "Do they eat dogs in America?"
one asked his companion.
	"I don't know."
	"Well, if we're going to live in America, we have to learn to eat
American foods."
	So they each bought a wax paper wrapped hotdog and sat down to eat
them on a nearby park bench.  One man looked inside his wax paper, then over
at the other man, and asked, "So, what part did you get?"
%
Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
woods on a summer afternoon.  A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
leaves.  He drifts lazily through the soft foliage.  Soon he starts
coughing and drops dead.
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
	Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
%
Warning: Trespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be shot again.
%
We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
%
We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to visitors,
that I could have killed any number of them with my geological hammer.
		-- Charles Darwin
%
"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
our grave singing Halelleuia ..."
		-- Monty Python
%
We ought to be very grateful that we have tools.  Millions of years ago
people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. For
example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had to drive
the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare fist, so
generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with primitive blood,
which isn't really all that bad when you consider how ugly paneling is to
begin with.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the
fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to
purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl
full of jelly.
		-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
%
	"We've decided to have the budgie put down."
	"Oh, is he very old then?"
	"No, we just don't like him."
	"Oh.  How do they put budgies down anyway?"
	"Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
great big book called `How to put your budgie down'.  And as I understand it,
you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
above the beak."
	"Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
	"Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
of people's lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
		-- Monty Python
%
Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.  He'll come in handy if
you run out of food.
		-- Dean McLaughlin.
%
	"Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40 
blocks.  Maybe just four.  You could put him in the trunk for the first 36 
blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly 
scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
ripped off..."
	"He'd be a bloody mess.  They might think he was just some drunk and
let him lie there all night."
	"Don't worry about that.  They have a guard station in front of the
White House that's open 24 hours a day.  The guards would recognize Colson...
and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
	"Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
around to the front of the White House?  There's a naked man lying outside
in the street, bleeding to death...'"
	"... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
	"It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
	"Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
		-- Hunter Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
		   ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
%
"Well, well, well!  Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
poison!  How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil?  Come
and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarbles, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
		-- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
%
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth?  Judging from realistic simulations
involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
be pretty bad.
		-- Dave Barry
%
What is this line of duty, and suffering?  You are not supposed to suffer
if you are an assassin.  The other person is supposed to suffer.
		-- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
		   from outside Sinanju named Remo.
%
What you mean, how old am I?  About one hundred!  But Viennese answer is
better: we say, "I keep passing the open windows."  This is an old joke.
There was a street clown called King of the Mice: he trained rodents, he
did horoscopes, he could impersonate Napoleon, he could make dogs fart
on command.  One night he jumped out his window with all his pets in a box.
Written on the box was this: "Life is serious, but art is fun!"  I hear his
funeral was a party.  A street artist had killed himself.  Nobody had
supported him but now everybody missed him.  Now who would make the dogs
make music and the mice pant?  The bear knows this, too: it is hard work
and great art to make life not so serious.
		-- John Irving "The Hotel New Hampshire"
%
When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
		-- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate.
%
When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
%
When I was a child...  We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
I was an only child...  eventually.
		-- Steven Wright
%
When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you take me
to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come and get you."
		-- Jerry Lewis
%
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.  After school we'd
all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
		-- Jack Handley
%
When I was eight years old I came home with tears in my eyes because some
kids had stolen my samwich.  My father handed me an ice pick, and said,
"Next time, hit 'em first and hit 'em hard."
		-- Jake LaMotta
%
When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an
act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school.  A
group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old.
"It is always so," my mother said.  "You do things together which not one
of you would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world
of human organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of
moral standards.  The military establishment is an extreme case, an
organization which seems to have been expressly designed to make it
possible for people to do things together which nobody in his right mind
would do alone.
		-- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
%
When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
newspapers differed in their versions of the event.  This is from "Paris
was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.

	Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
	papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
	favoring "Is it possible?"  What few reported were his dying words:
	"But what kind of chauffeur was it?"  Having been told by his aides
	not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
	President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
	how an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
	Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
%
When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
seat." The man moaned, but did not budge.  "Sir," the user said more loudly,
"if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager."  The man moaned again but
stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
	The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
what's your name?"
	"Samuel," he mumbled.
	"And where're you from, Sam?"
	"The balcony."
%
	When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
clarified your attitude toward him.  You have given a definite answer
to a definite problem.  For better or worse you have acted decisively.

	In a way, the next move is up to him.
		-- R. A. Lafferty
%
WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
%
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
is to laugh.  But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
		-- Jack Handley
%
Where there's a whip there's a way.
%
... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
Carrot.  One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic.  They all
piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country.  But Pa Carrot
wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
right into a tree.  Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
poor Baby Carrot got broken in two.  They frantically rushed him to the
hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
to save Baby Carrot's life.  Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
	After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
barely able to walk.
	"Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
	"Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
	Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
"The good news first!"
	"All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
	"And the bad news?  What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
the eye.  "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
his life."
%
Which would you rather have, a bursting planet or an earthquake here and there?
		-- John Joseph Lynch
%
Why does man kill?  He kills for food.  And not only food: frequently
there must be a beverage.
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
Why don't elephants eat penguins ?

Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
%
Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource.  If you cut
down a tree, another will grow in its place.  And if you cut down the new
tree, still another will grow.  And if you cut down that tree, yet another
will grow, only this one will be a mutation with long, poisonous tentacles
and revenge in its heart, and it will sit there in the forest, cackling and
making elaborate plans for when you come back.

Wood heat is not new.  It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a
group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. Suddenly,
lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire.  One of the cavemen stared
at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey!  Wood heat!" The other
cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately beat him to death with
stones.  But the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, the
cavemen had all the heat they needed, although their insurance rates went
way up.
		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
%
Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck
-- shoot it.
%
You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
		-- Joe Valachi
%
You can't go into the ring and be a nice guy.  I would go a month, two
months, without having sex.  It worked for me because it made me a
vicious animal. You can't fight if you have any compassion or anything
like that.
		-- Jake LaMotta
%
You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
new way.
		-- Will Rogers
%
You know what I wish?  I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
and I had my hands about it.
		-- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
%
You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team, because if the
plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
		-- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
%
	Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring
electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to
kill you.  This is called a "circuit".  The most common home electrical
problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes
the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an
outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet.  The best way
to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.
	Another common problem is that the lights flicker.  This sometimes
means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means
that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a
caulking gun and some caulking.  If you're not sure whether your house is
possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an
actual book.  Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the
signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous
cats on the dinette table, etc.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
	"Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
	"We wound barbed wire around them."
	"That stop him?"
	"No, but it sure slowed him up."
%
!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
%
101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
	(1)  Scarecrow for centipedes
	(2)  Dead cat brush
	(3)  Hair barrettes
	(4)  Cleats
	(5)  Self-piercing earrings
	(6)  Fungus trellis
	(7)  False eyelashes
	(8)  Prosthetic dog claws
        .
        .
        .
	(99)  Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
	(100) Killer velcro
	(101) Currency
%
1: No code table for op: ++post
%
4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986

You swing at the Sun.  You miss.  The Sun swings.  He hits you with a
575MB disk!  You read the 575MB disk.  It is written in an alien
tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes.  You throw the
575MB disk at the Sun.  You hit!  The Sun must repair your eyes.  The
Sun reads a scroll.  He hits your 130MB disk!  He has defeated the
130MB disk!  The Sun reads a scroll.  He hits your Ethernet board!  He
has defeated your Ethernet board!  You read a scroll of "postpone until
Monday at 9 AM".  Everything goes dark...
		-- /etc/motd, cbosgd
%
A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
a photo-safari in Africa.  As they're driving along the savannah in their
jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.

The biologist: "Look!  A herd of zebras!  And there's a white zebra!
	Fantastic!  We'll be famous!"
The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant.  We only know
	there's one white zebra."
The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
	white on one side."
The computer scientist : "Oh, no!  A special case!"
%
... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
have turned into a pile of dust.
%
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
%
A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
%
A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who 
had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether 
various objects had Buddha-nature or not.  To such a question Tortue 
invariably sat silent.  The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, 
and a moonlit night.  One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and 
asked the same question.  In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop 
between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex 
string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk.  At that moment, the monk 
was enlightened. 

From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue.  Instead, he made string after 
string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, 
who passed it on to theirs.
%
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a
simple system that works.
%
[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
		-- Joseph Campbell
%
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla.
	-- Mitch Ratcliffe
%
A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
the president one of the latest talking computers.
Salesman:	"This machine knows everything. I can ask it any quesstion
		and it'll give the correct answer.  Computer, what is the
		speed of light?"
Computer:	186,282 miles per second.
Salesman:	"Who was the first president of the United States?"
Computer:	George Washington.
President:	"I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
		Where is my father?"
Computer:	Your father is fishing in Georgia.
President:	"Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
		years ago!"
Computer:	Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
		landed a twelve pound bass.
%
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
%
A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake
without ketchup and mustard.
%
A CONS is an object which cares.
		-- Bernie Greenberg.
%
A debugged program is one for which you have not yet found the conditions
that make it fail.
		-- Jerry Ogdin
%
	A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
his morning meal.  "I would like to give you this personality test", said
the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
	Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
%
	A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about 
whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of their arguments, they
got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
	The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the Garden 
itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden 
and the world were created.  So God must have been an architect."
	The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then 
commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
%
A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to
help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse,
and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied "I
see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back
of the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
with a thick Interlisp Manual.  The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
%
A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
		-- D. Gries
%
A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
%
A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
%
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
not worth knowing.
%
A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program
in than some that do.
		-- Dennis M. Ritchie
%
A large number of installed systems work by fiat.  That is, they work
by being declared to work.
		-- Anatol Holt
%
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.
		-- Alan Perlis
%
A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
		-- Don Knuth
%
A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers.  Consider Unix,
APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
		-- Fred Brooks
%
	A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
Knuth.  When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found.  "Where is the
wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
	"Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
disciples."
	Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
%
	A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
program on which he was working.  "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
promptly replied.
	"I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
how long will it take?"
	The programmer thought for a moment.  "I have some features that I wish
to add.  This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
	"Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
	The programmer agreed to this.
	Several years later, the manager retired.  On the way to his
retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
He had been programming all night.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
invented a new program that became popular and sold well.  As a result, the
manager retained his job.
	The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
concept, and thus I expect no reward."
	The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
employee.  Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
	But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
so that I can program.  If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
everyone's time.  Can I go now?  I have a program that I'm working on."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
at five in the afternoon."  At this, all of them became angry and several
resigned on the spot.
	So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule."  The
programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
hours of the morning.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
document for a new application.  The manager asked the master: "How long will
it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
	"It will take one year," said the master promptly.
	"But we need this system immediately or even sooner!  How long will it
take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
	The master programmer frowned.  "In that case, it will take two years."
	"And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
	The master programmer shrugged.  "Then the design will never be
completed," he said.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day.  The master
noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game.  "Excuse me",
he said, "may I examine it?"
	The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
and Hard", said the master.  "Yet every such device has another level of play,
where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
human."
	"Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
mysterious setting?"
	The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices.
"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
said the master.
	"Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
	"It is," came the reply.
	"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
	"It is even in a video game," said the master.
	"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
	The master coughed and shifted his position slightly.  "The lesson
is over for today," he said.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A modem is a baudy house.
%
A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
%
	*** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***

Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
terms that nobody understands?  Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
the hearts of DP managers everywhere?  If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
and lots more besides.  Our training course covers every programming language
in existence, and some that aren't.  You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
you should blame when you make a mistake.

	Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
	I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
	postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)

*** Our Slogan:  Top down programming for the masses. ***
%
	A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
documents, or tests his programs.  Yet all who know him consider him one of
the best programmers in the world.  Why is this?"
	The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao.  He has
gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
crashes, but accepts the universe without concern.  He has gone beyond the
need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code.  He
has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident.  Truly, he has
entered the mystery of the Tao."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
sometimes aborts.  I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
baffled. What is the reason for this?"
	The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
the Tao.  Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans.  Why
do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed?  Computers
simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
	The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
	"But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
novice.
	"Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
much larger than all others.  It towers above its competition like a giant
among dwarfs.  Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
Why is this so?"
	The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions?  That
company is large because it is so large.  If it only made hardware, nobody
would buy it.  If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
servant.  But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
of the gods!  By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'.  It is bloated out of shape with
vice-presidents and accountants.  It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant.  Every year new
names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail.  How can such an
unnatural entity exist?"
	The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
disturbed that it has no rational purpose.  Can you not take amusement from
its endless gyrations?  Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
beneath its sheltering branches?  Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a
question.
	"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
	The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
relied upon to know these things.  He thought for several minutes before
replying.
	"I don't see why not.  It's got bloody well everything else."
	With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch.  The novice suddenly
achieved enlightenment, several years later.

Commentary:

His Master is kind,
Answering his FAQ quickly,
With thought and sarcasm.
%
	A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
package.
	The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
	When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
power off and on.  Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
of what is going wrong."  Knight turned the machine off and on.  The
machine worked.
%
A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
		-- Donald Knuth
%
	A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
strings of pearls.  The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
throughout.  There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
rigidity.
	A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'.  What is this
law?  It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
way that astonishes him least.
	A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit.  The
program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
appearances.
	If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
disorder and confusion.  The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
program.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
of programmers work for other companies?  They behaved badly and were
unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed out hospitality suites and they
made rude noises during my presentation."
	The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
Those programmers live beyond the physical world.  They consider life absurd,
an accidental coincidence.  They come and go without knowing limitations.
Without a care, they live only for their programs.  Why should they bother
with social conventions?"
	"They are alive within the Tao."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague 
assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents 
and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of 
dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
		-- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
%
A programming language is low level when its programs require attention
to the irrelevant.
%
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
%
A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
%
	A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
realization of a basic truth came over me.  So simple!  So obvious we couldn't
see it.  John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
group, had discovered how IC circuits work.  He says that smoke is the thing
that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
it stops working.  He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
	I was flabbergasted!  Of course!  Smoke makes all things electrical
work.  Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
Didn't it quit working?  I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
dawned.  It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
another in your Mini, MG or Jag.  And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works.  The starter motor
requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
going to it is so large.
	Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis.  Why are Lucas
electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch?  Hmmm...  Aha!!!  Lucas is
British, and all things British leak!  British convertible tops leak water,
British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
I might add Brititsh tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
		-- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School

	[Ummm ... IC circuits?  Integrated circuit circuits?]
%
A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by.  "Is it true", asked the
student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?"  Almost before
the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
the student with a stick.
%
A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
undreamed of by its author.
		-- S. C. Johnson
%
A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
A swift-flowing steam does not grow stagnant.
Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
Software rots if not used.

These are great mysteries.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
%
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
ax.  It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
		-- Edsger Dijkstra
%
Adding features does not necessarily increase functionality -- it just
makes the manuals thicker.
%
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
		-- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month"

Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
		-- George Washington, 1732-1799
%
	After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head.  PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
	"Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1.  "You will never find a more
wretched hive of bugs and flamers.  We must be cautious."
		-- DECWARS
%
Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
		-- Dijkstra
%
Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most important programming language
yet developed.
		-- T. Cheatham
%
All constants are variables.
%
===  ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers.  This
will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
updated in their .login file.  Should you attempt to execute a job on a 
machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
cold boot process.
%
All parts should go together without forcing.  You must remember that the parts
you are reassembling were disassembled by you.  Therefore, if you can't get
them together again, there must be a reason.  By all means, do not use a hammer.
		-- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
%
All programmers are optimists.  Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers.  Perhaps the hundreds
of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
goal.  Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
and the young are always optimists.  But however the selection process works,
the result is indisputable:  "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
the last bug."
		-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
%
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
%
"... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
products, if they are built at all, are dogs!"
		-- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
		   MIT Press, 1987
%
All the simple programs have been written.
%
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.

The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users.  The
Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid.  When the 
switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
back of VMI monitors.  Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
performance.
%
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day.  Unfortunately,
this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive.  In
order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
please communicate them by one of the following paths:

	ARPA:  WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
	UUCP:  [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
 	Non-network sites:  Federal Express to:
		Wastebasket
		Room NE43-926
		Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
	For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
	operators are on call 24 hours a day.  VISA/MC accepted.*

* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not 
  responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
%
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

CAR and CDR now return extra values.

The function CAR now returns two values.  Since it has to go to the trouble 
to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as 
well get both halves at once.  For example, the following code shows how to 
destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):

	(MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)

For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
object.  In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been 
fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack.  This should
hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
it cold boots the machine so often.
%
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
done.  Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
Note that LET *could* have been defined by:

	(LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
			,LET)))
	`(LET ((LET ',LET))
		,LET))

This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
Itty Bitti Machines where we was writting COUGHBOL code) so to give him
confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
%
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

JCL support as alternative to system menu.

In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL.  This can be used as an
alternative to the standard system menu.  Type System J to get to a JCL
interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window.  [Note that for 360
compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.]  This
window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc.  When a JCL
syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
debugger is entered.  The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
%
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

The garbage collector now works.  In addition a new, experimental garbage 
collection algorithm has been installed.  With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when 
virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself.  With SI:%DSK-GC-
QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled.  Unlike most garbage
collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather 
than from the obarray.  This allows the garbage collection of significantly 
more Qs.  As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing.  The variable 
SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
%
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
	(DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
		(PROG (V P LP)
		(SETQ P (LOCF V))
	L	(SETQ LP LISTS)
		(%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
	L1	(OR LP (GO L2))
		(AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
		(%PUSH (CAAR LP))
		(RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
		(SETQ LP (CDR LP))
		(GO L1)
	L2	(%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
		(SETQ LP (%POP))
		(RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
		(GO L)))
We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
%
All your files have been destroyed (sorry).  Paul.
%
Almost anything derogatory you could say about today's software design
would be accurate.
		-- K.E. Iverson
%
Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
reason.  He knows it because he fired the guy.
	"He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'"  Mr. O'Neil says.
"I said, 'No.  Wrong.  Game over.  Next contestant, please.'"
		-- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
%
AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has 
been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an 
import.  This beer never really sold very well because the original 
manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer 
fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 
16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz.  cans too.  When this can was 
originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design 
hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now.  Critics of 
this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
%
An Ada exception is when a routine gets in trouble and says
'Beam me up, Scotty'.
%
An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
%
An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
		-- D.E. Knuth
%
... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center.  When a
programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up.  That
behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
never when standing.

Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing?  Good debuggers, though,
know that there has to be a reason.  Electrical theories are the easiest to
hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static
electricity?  But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
the tops of two keys were switched.  When the programmer was seated he was a
touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
astray by hunting and pecking.
	-- "Programming Pearls" column, by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
%
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
%
An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
%
An interpretation _I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
by the corresponding row and column labels.
		-- Genesereth & Nilsson, "Logical foundations of Artificial
		   Intelligence"
%
And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail.  No exceptions.
		-- David Jones
%
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
%
Another megabytes the dust.
%
Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
%
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
%
Any program which runs right is obsolete.
%
Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
%
... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,
my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental.  Any
resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic.  The
question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them
is left as an exercise for the reader.  The question of the existence of
the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient.  (A
discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope
of this article.)
%
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
		-- Rich Kulawiec
%
Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
		-- Elizabeth Zwicky
%
APL hackers do it in the quad.
%
APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection.  It is the language of the
future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
of coding bums.
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
%
APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
...and is best for educational purposes.
		-- A. Perlis
%
APL is a write-only language.  I can write programs in APL, but I can't
read any of them.
		-- Roy Keir
%
Are we running light with overbyte?
%
Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
measure progress.  Some cathedrals took a century to complete.  Can you
imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
%
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
		-- Weisert
%
As in certain cults it is possible to kill a process if you know its true name.
		-- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
%
As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
in the fragmented world of IBM.  That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control.  You can buy a
computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
IBM itself.  Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
standards of their own.  When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
innovator.  Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
imagery.  IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures.  Graven
images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
on the austerity of the word.
		-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
%
As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic 
schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve 
The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
%
As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
Please update your programs.
%
As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
Please update your programs.
%
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
%
As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:

News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:

	Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
	Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
	Keywords: C sources
	Distribution: na

	I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
	sources newsgroup.  I save the files, edit them to remove the
	headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
	cannot get them to run.  (I have never written a C program before.)

	Must they be compiled?  With what compiler?  How do I do this?  If
	I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
	it explicitly with the > character?  Is there something else that
	must be done?
%
As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
		-- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service
		   conversion to a new computer system.
%
As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
as easy to get programs right as we had thought.  Debugging had to be
discovered.  I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
my own programs.
		-- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
%
As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
or putatively less buggy.  The replacement of a working component by a new
version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
efficient test cases will usually be available.
		-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 
%
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free variable."
%
ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
%
ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
%
Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
%
Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
		-- D. Gries
%
Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
		-- D. Winker and F. Prosser
%
At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
solved.  The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
available.  The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it.  There
is only one solution, he says.  Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
relativity and all.  She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
a computer problem?"
	"Remember the twin paradox?"
	After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course!  Leave the
computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
	The problem was so important that they did exactly that.  When
the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:

	IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
%
At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
quite untrue in practice.  Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
than blinkers it.
		-- G.L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
%
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
		-- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985
%
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
%
Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
%
Basic is a high level languish.  APL is a high level anguish.
%
BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'.
%
BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
		-- Seymour Papert
%
Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
%
Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
%
Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
%
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
		-- Donald Knuth
%
Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
		-- Leonard Brandwein
%
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of 
interest is easy.
%
Beware the new TTY code!
%
Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
		-- David Nichols
%
BLISS is ignorance.
%
Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
interface circuit details.  The two models, however, are not compatible
on the same communications line connection.
		-- Bell System Technical Reference
%
Brace yourselves.  We're about to try something that borders on the unique:
an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently
anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides.  I tend to think of it as
`Constructive Snottiness.'
		-- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style"
%
Brain fried -- Core dumped
%
Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
		-- Randy Goebel
%
	Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design.
Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor
any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.
Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the
center of the dashboard.  "The experienced driver", he says, "will
usually know what's wrong."
%
Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
revitalize the corner saloon.
%
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
%
Building translators is good clean fun.
		-- T. Cheatham
%
Bus error -- driver executed.
%
Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
%
But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
		-- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
%
But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge?  What
is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
Have I explained yet about the bytes?
%
"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers?"
%
By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
		-- P.J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
		   Fool's column.
%
BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
carefully print the chaff.
%
Byte your tongue.
%
C Code.
C Code Run.
Run, Code, RUN!
	PLEASE!!!!
%
C for yourself.
%
C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot.  C++ makes that
harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
		-- Bjarne Stroustrup
%
C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
		-- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
%
C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
%
... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
objects and member functions.  Specifically, members may be placed in the
public, private, or protected parts of a class.  Members declared in the
public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses.  C++ also supports
the notion of *_______friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
other's private parts.
		-- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
%
Calm down, it's *____only* ones and zeroes.
%
Can't open /usr/fortunes.  Lid stuck on cookie jar.
%
Can't open /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat.
%
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
%
CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
%
Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
%
Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
%
COBOL is for morons.
		-- E.W. Dijkstra
%
Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
%
Coding is easy;  All you do is sit staring at a terminal until the drops
of blood form on your forehead.
%
Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
has the ability to wear out.  Software typically behaves, or it does not.  It
either works, or it does not.  Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
stretch, twist, or ablate.  To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
misapplication of our engineering skills.  Classical engineering deals with
the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
		-- Dan Klein
%
COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler one expects from
a corporation whose president codes in octal.
		-- J.N. Gray
%
... computer hardware progress is so fast.  No other technology since
civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
gain in 30 years.
		-- Fred Brooks
%
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
%
Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
%
Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
%
Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
%
Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view adding a new wing
to a building as being maintenance
		-- Jim Horning
%
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
%
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
		-- Gilb
%
Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers.
		-- Pablo Picasso
%
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
the world that just don't add up.
%
Computers don't actually think.
	You just think they think.
		(We think.)
%
Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
than the estimate the job will cost.
%
Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
		-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 
%
Congratulations!  You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
hesitate to ask!
%
	Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
	However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
date of purchase.
	NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
		-- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
%
Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell 
at people to save their core images before logging them out?  I'm sure 
the cattle prod would be effective in this regard.  In any case, a traverse 
mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
being easier to stake.
%
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
		-- Glaser and Way
%
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs.
		-- Tom Lehrer
%
[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine
women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
		-- Wernher von Braun
%
Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
%
Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
attention to detail.  It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
enormous amount of hard work.  But, a certain amount of unpredictable
and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
between adequacy and excellence.
%
Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
attention to detail.  It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
enormous amount of hard work.  But, a certain amount of unpredictable
and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
between adequacy and excellence.
%
%DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory
VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears
%
Dear Emily, what about test messages?
		-- Concerned

Dear Concerned:
	It is important, when testing, to test the entire net.  Never test
merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done.  Also put "please
ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
a message with a line like that.  Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
by all USEnauts.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Emily:
	How can I choose what groups to post in?
		-- Confused

Dear Confused:
	Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience.  After
all, the net exists to give you an audience.  Ignore those who suggest you
should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
	Always make sure followups go to all the groups.  In the rare event
that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
expand the list of groups.  Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
the fringe groups.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Emily:
	I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
summarize.  What should I do?
		-- Editor

Dear Editor:
	Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
that.  On USENET, this is known as a summary.  It lets people read all the
replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way.  Do the same when
summarizing a vote.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Emily:
	I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
What should I do?
		-- Doubtful

Dear Doubtful:
	Post your response to the whole net.  That request applies only to
dumb people who don't have something interesting to say.  Your postings are
much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
mail.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Emily:
	I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
I do?
		-- Angry

Dear Angry:
	Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
between the lines.  Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
looks like a reply to the original.  Everybody *loves* to read those long
point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Emily:
	I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
Everybody laughed at me.  What can I do?
		-- A Concerned Citizen

Dear Concerned:
	Go to the daily papers.  Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly.  They
will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
represent the situation properly to the public.  The public will also all
act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
society.
	Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
like racism and sexism wherever they might exist.  Be sure as well that they
understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
literally.  Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
possible.  If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
they are always interested in good stories.
%
Dear Emily:
	I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
to.  How about an example?
		-- Still Confused

Dear Still:
	Ok.  Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
the Oilers to the Kings.  Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
would be enough.  WRONG.  Many more people might be interested.  This is a
big trade!  Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
as well.  If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
news.admin.  If not, use news.misc.
	The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
interested in stars.  Next, his name is Polish sounding.  So post to
soc.culture.polish.  But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
news.groups suggesting it should be created.  With this many groups of
interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
well.  (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
	You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
group.  If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
will only show the the article to the reader once!  Don't tolerate this.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Emily:
	Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
What should I do?
		-- Forgetful

Dear Forgetful:
	Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article.  Here
it is."
	Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
signature) this will remind them of it.  Besides, people care much more
about the signature anyway.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Ms. Postnews:
	I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site.  What
	should I do?
		-- Eager Beaver

Dear Eager:
	No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
read.  Say, "This is for John Smith.  I couldn't get mail through so I'm
posting it.  All others please ignore."
	This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
maps or looking for alternate routes.  Just think, if you couldn't distribute
your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person.  This can cost
as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
	And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
	Don't forget.  The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
so post it as many places as you can.
		-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
%
Dear Sir,
	I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
to the office,  We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public
places.  They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers
being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un-
employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
	Yours faithfully,
	Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
	Sevenoaks
		-- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London
%
Debug is human, de-fix divine.
%
DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
		-- Mel Ferentz
%
#define BITCOUNT(x)	(((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
#define  BX_(x)		((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777)			\
			     - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333)			\
			     - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))

		-- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
%
(defun NF (a c)
  (cond ((null c) () )
	((atom (car c))
	  (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
		 (nf a (cddr c))))
	(t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))

(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
  (cond 
   ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
	(not (equal boston-area 'yes))
	(lessp challenging 7)) () )
   (t (append (nf  (get 'ad 'expr)
	  '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
	    (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
	    (car 2 caadr 4)))
      (list '851-5071x2661)))))
;;;     We are an affirmative action employer.
%
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
%
Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
		-- P.J. Plauger
%
Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
%
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
		-- Don Vonada
%
Disc space -- the final frontier!
%
DISCLAIMER:
Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply an endorsement
of Western industrial civilization.
%
Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
yours too."
		-- Dave Haynie
%
Disk crisis, please clean up!
%
Disks travel in packs.
%
Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
%
Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
%
Do not simplify the design of a program if a way can be found to make
it complex and wonderful.
%
Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
%
Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
%
	*** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
terms that nobody understands?  Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
the hearts of DP managers everywhere?  If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.

	*** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
Programming is not for everyone.  But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
help you get started.  All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.

	*** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
try this simple test:
	(1) Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
		of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
	(2) Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
	(3) What is the state capital of Idaho?
If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
%
Do you suffer painful elimination?
		-- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"

Do you suffer painful recrimination?
		-- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"

Do you suffer painful illumination?
		-- Isaac Newton, "Optics"

Do you suffer painful hallucination?
		-- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
%
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
		-- Dick Brandon
%
Documentation is the castor oil of programming.
Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.
%
Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
%
Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly misleading.
Debug only code.
		-- Dave Storer
%
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
%
Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
		-- P. Skelly
%
DOS Air:
All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it
until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again.
Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, et
cetera.
%
DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to 
read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only 
came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is 
divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed 
separately.  Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going 
to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
%
Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been discontinued.
%
During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
times, often with lin~po_~{po       ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po	 ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
%
E Pluribus Unix
%
Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
		-- Kernighan
%
Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
Reformation.  In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons."  All is sound and
imagery and Appledom.  Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
typefaces.  The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen.  A central
corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
Infalliable doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
in a sealed boardroom.  Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
offender is excommunicated into outer darkness.  The expelled heretic founds
a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him.  The mother
company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
		-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
%
/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
%
Earth is a beta site.
%
/earth: file system full.
%
egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
%
Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
God is not capricious or arbitrary.  No such faith comforts the software
engineer.
		-- Fred Brooks
%
Equal bytes for women.
%
Error in operator: add beer
%
Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
		-- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
%
Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
the world.  Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
them at their own expense.  Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley.  Sniffing
the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
over roulette.
		-- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
%
<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
%
Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.
%
Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
technology?  U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in 
computer technology during World War II.  At the C.W. Post Center of Long
Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth.  At Harvard
one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I.  "Things were going badly;
there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
computer," she said.  "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth.  From then on, when
anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it."  Hopper
said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
question."
		[actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
		regard to problems with radio hardware.  Ed.]
%
"Every group has a couple of experts.  And every group has at least one
idiot.  Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained.  It's
sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two highly-motivated,
caustic twits."
		-- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
%
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
%
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
%
Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
eating paper and a policeman was at the door.  Now all you have to do is
bend a disk.
		-- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, 
		   commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
		   of their movement.
%
Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!
%
Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
taught how ___not to.  So it is with the great programmers.
%
Evolution is a million line computer program falling into place by accident.
%
Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
%
FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
%
Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
it's Microsoft!"
%
Fellow programmer, greetings!  You are reading a letter which will bring
you luck and good fortune.  Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
to ten of your friends.  Before you make the copies, send a chip or
other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the
list given at the bottom of this letter.  Then delete their name and add
yours to the bottom of the list.

Don't break the chain!  Make the copy within 48 hours.  Gerald R. of San
Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
his job description changed to "COBOL programmer."  Fred A. of New York sent
out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork.  Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
this letter and broke the chain.  Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.

Don't break the chain!  Send out your ten copies today!
For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu.  But if
you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt).  The rule is
that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor
1mu=1pt is always used.  The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
		-- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
%
Fly Windows NT:
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs
in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet
swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
%
"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of
a thousand years ago.  Why not, then, the last step of doing away with
computers altogether?"
		-- Jehan Shuman
%
FORTH IF HONK THEN
%
FORTRAN is a good example of a language which is easier to parse
using ad hoc techniques.
		-- D. Gries
		[What's good about it?  Ed.]
%
FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
%
FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, occasionally blooms,
and grows in every computer.
		-- A.J. Perlis
%
FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
		-- Steven Feiner
%
FORTRAN rots the brain.
		-- John McQuillin
%
FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
%
[FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- probably for at least the next decade.
		-- T. Cheatham
%
Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!

Try:
	[Where is Jimmy Hoffa?			(C shell)
	^How did the^sex change operation go?	(C shell)
	"How would you rate BSD vs. System V?
	%blow					(C shell)
	'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am'	(C shell)
	got a light?				(C shell)
	!!:Say, what do you think of margarine?	(C shell)
	PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense	(Bourne shell)
	make love
	make "the perfect dry martini"
	man -kisses dog				(anything up to 4.3BSD)
	i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i		(Bourne shell)
%
Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!

Try:
	ar t "God"
	drink < bottle; opener			(Bourne Shell)
	cat "food in tin cans"			(all but 4.[23]BSD)
	Hey UNIX!  Got a match?			(V6 or C shell)
	mkdir matter; cat > matter		(Bourne Shell)
	rm God
	man: Why did you get a divorce?		(C shell)
	date me					(anything up to 4.3BSD)
	make "heads or tails of all this"
	who is smart
						(C shell)
	If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
	sleep with me				(anything up to 4.3BSD)
%
fortune: cannot execute.  Out of cookies.
%
fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
%
fortune: No such file or directory
%
fortune: not found
%
Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
		-- Rhett Buggler
%
[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
in Japan]:

The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT MATRIX
LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is featured by
permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality against low cost,"
"diversified functions with compact design," "flexibility in accessibleness
and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 Dot/Head," "being sophisticated in
mechanism but possibly agile operating under noises being extremely
suppressed" etc.

And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help achieve
"super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by HOST
COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
%
From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
experience in sound:

5.  Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees.  The pin-spreading
    sound is normal for this type of connector.
%
Function reject.
%
Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
%
GIVE:	Support the helpless victims of computer error.
%
Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
		-- John Gilmore
%
Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden:  Languages
whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful.  The LISP machine now permits
LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
Go away! Stop bothering me with all your "compute this ... compute that"!
I'm taking a VAX-NAP.

logout
%
//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
%
God is real, unless declared integer.
%
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
%
Good evening, gentlemen.  I am a HAL 9000 computer.  I became operational
at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
ninety-five.  My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
song.  If you would like, I could sing it for you.
%
Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine.  When he awoke
he exclaimed:
	"I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
	or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
%
Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
	really  come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
1 tsp. vanilla  extract  (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
	strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
	can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps."  This is where you get to
	join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
	merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
	and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it.  Try an electric
	beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
	the ceiling(3m).
"Pour into a graham cracker crust..."  Aha, the BUGS section at last.  You
	just happened  to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
	If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
	GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
"...and  refrigerate for an hour."  Leave the  recipe's  stdout in a fridge
	for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
	by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
%
Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.
%
Hackers of the world, unite!
%
Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
%
/* Halley */

	(Halley's comment.)
%
Happiness is a hard disk.
%
Happiness is twin floppies.
%
	Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse.  Software said: "You
are the Yin and I am the Yang.  If we travel together we will become famous
and earn vast sums of money."  And so the pair set forth together, thinking
to conquer the world.
	Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
hobbled along propped on a thorny stick.  Firmware said to them: "The Tao
lies beyond Yin and Yang.  It is silent and still as a pool of water.  It does
not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence.  It does not seeks fortune,
for it is complete within itself.  It exists beyond space and time."
	Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
	"Yes, I don't have one."
	"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..."
		-- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372
%
Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are
typed with the left hand?  Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
of both hands.  It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
%
Have you reconsidered a computer career?
%
He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of his opinion.
It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
		-- Phil Lapsley
%
HEAD CRASH!!  FILES LOST!!
Details at 11.
%
Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
%
Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
%
Help!  I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
%
Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
%
HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib!
%
Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.  If they didn't have bugs,
then they'd be algorithms.
%
HOLY MACRO!
%
HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
%
HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
%
How can you work when the system's so crowded?
%
"How do I love thee?  My accumulator overflows."
%
	How many seconds are there in a year?  If I tell you there  are
3.155  x  10^7, you won't even try to remember it.  On the other hand,
who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
nanocentury.
		-- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
%
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?
		-- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
%
How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
%
Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!  
	Oh wait...
		I'm a computer, and you're a person.  It would never work out.
			Never mind.
%
I *____knew* I had some reason for not logging you off... If I could just
remember what it was.
%
I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
%
I am NOMAD!
%
I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
		-- Dennis Ritchie
%
I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
		-- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
%
I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
%
I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
small number needed [1 per month] in his factory.  He explained that this
would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
them completely, even molding the keypads.
		-- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
%
I bet the human brain is a kludge.
		-- Marvin Minsky
%
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
%
I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
		-- F. H. Wales (1936)
%
I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.
		-- Isaac Asimov
%
I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
implement a PL/1 compiler.
		-- T. Cheatham
%
I have a very small mind and must live with it.
		-- E. Dijkstra
%
I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
		-- Rob Pike, on X.

Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
gone in two years.  He was half right.
		-- Dennis Ritchie

Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
		-- Jim Gettys
%
I have not yet begun to byte!
%
I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
Calculating Engines.  I have also declined several offers of great personal
advantage to myself.  But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even
the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
	If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
	And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse
calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
be economized by the aid of machinery.
		-- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
%
I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
the best people in business administration.  I can assure you on the highest
authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
		-- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
		   publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior 
		   editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new 
		   science of data processing), c. 1957
%
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
%
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
%
I think there's a world market for about five computers.
		-- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943
%
I went on to test the program in every way I could devise.  I strained
it to expose its weaknesses.  I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass
stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold.
I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be
absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had
developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case.
Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's
temperature to be less than absolute zero.  I had found an error.  I
chased down the error and fixed it.  Now I had improved the program to
the point where it would not run at all.
		-- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black
		   Holes and the Fate of Stars"
%
I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
years ago.  When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"

Years later, I went back to the same hotel.  I noticed the room keys had
been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.

There was a computer in every doorknob.
	-- Danny Hillis
%
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
%
I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
%
I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
%
I'm not even going to *______bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
		-- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
%
I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
%
	I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
right manual yet.  I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I
should find what I'm looking for by mid May.  I hope I can remember what it
was by the time I find it.
	I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
"The Paper Chase : IBM vs. DEC".  It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
blank."
		-- Alex Crain
%
I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.  It means we get to
keep all our old mistakes.
		-- Dennie van Tassel
%
I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
		-- Joel Halpern
%
I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must be just a few
simple heuristics you have to remember...

Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
%
I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
%
IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, who'll be first
against the wall when the revolution comes...
		-- with regrets to D. Adams
%
If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
at about 30 miles/second.
		-- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
%
If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1
passes.  Someone in the group has to be the manager.
		-- T. Cheatham
%
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
%
If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
%
If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
		-- Rob Stampfli
%
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
%
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
%
If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
serve us right.
		-- Alistair Cooke
%
If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
%
If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
%
If graphics hackers are so smart, why can't they get the bugs out of
fresh paint?
%
If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
		-- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
%
If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
shoulders of giants.
		-- Isaac Newton

In the sciences, we are now uniquely priviledged to sit side by side with
the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
		-- Gerald Holton

If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
my shoulders.
		-- Hal Abelson

Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
		-- Gauss

Mathemeticians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
stand on each other's toes.
		-- Richard Hamming

It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders.  If
this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
software engineers dig each other's graves.
		-- Unknown
%
If I'd known computer science was going to be like this, I'd never have
given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
		-- G. Hirst
%
If it happens once, it's a bug.
If it happens twice, it's a feature.
If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
%
If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly.
%
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
%
If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
%
If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot
to send it.  But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think
the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.  And if *fifty*
pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get
lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken!  And if 1Gb of mail gets
lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and
think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive
Net Mail ...
 		-- Casey Leedom
%
If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
		-- Phil Lapsley
%
If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
%
"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."
		-- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
%
If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon,
and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
		-- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
%
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
		-- Norm Schryer
%
If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
prinicples -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo.  Useful
feature, that.
		-- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990.
%
	If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great.  If the
operating system is great, then the compiler is great.  If the compiler
is great, then the application is great.  If the application is great, then
the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
	The Tao gave birth to machine language.  Machine language gave birth
to the assembler.
	The assembler gave birth to the compiler.  Now there are ten thousand
languages.
	Each language has its purpose, however humble.  Each language
expresses the Yin and Yang of software.  Each language has its place within
the Tao.
	But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
Let's hear it for OSI and X!  With those babies in the wings, we can count
on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
paper folding, or something.
		-- C. Philip Wood
%
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
%
If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
an imbedded system.  The salient characteristic of an imbedded system is that
it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
will suffice to remove it.  An imbedded system can't permanently trust anything
it hears from the outside world.  It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
around, and adapt again.  I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
carefulness here.  No.  Programming an imbedded system calls for undiluted
raging maniacal paranoia.  For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
properly.  How do you find out what your network number is?  Easy, you ask a
gateway.  Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
numbers.  Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
over creation.  Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
network number?  Never supposed to happen.  Tough.  Supposing that your
software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
number than before, what's it supposed to do about it?  This is not discussed
in the protocol document.  Never supposed to happen.  Tough.  I think you 
get my drift.
%
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
%
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it.
		-- Pierre Gallois
%
If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real harm.
%
If you think the system is working, ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
%
If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
strong oxen than 100 chickens.  Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
together yet.
		-- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89.
%
Ignorance is bliss.
		-- Thomas Gray

Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
	BLISS is ignorance.
%
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual
way.  This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of
complaining.
		-- Jeff Raskin
%
Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer.  It has
a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
What's the first question that the computer community asks?

"Is it PC compatible?"
%
**** IMPORTANT ****  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****

Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
erased.  Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
as the references mentioned herein.  You may apply for more disk space at any
time.  Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
space.  Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
extended for a period of up to three months.  A score in the fifth percentile
or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
%
In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
anyway.
		-- The 5th Wave
%
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only
we can't control when the five year period will begin.
%
In a surprise raid last night, federal agents ransacked a house in search
of a rebel computer hacker.  However, they were unable to complete the arrest
because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
person in the house was named don provan.  Proving, once again, that Unix is
superior to Tops10.
%
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
are to be treated as variables.
%
In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
the answer may be obtained by inspection.
%
In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
%
In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our
programming languages.
%
In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
%
In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
in 1965.  The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
		-- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
%
In less than a century, computers will be making substantial progress on
... the overriding problem of war and peace.
		-- James Slagle
%
In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
		-- Paul Licker
%
In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
	In the beginning there was data.  The data was without form and
null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
IBM was moving over the face of the market.  And DEC said, "Let there
be registers"; and there were registers.  And DEC saw that they
carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions.  DEC called
the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code.  And there was
evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
		-- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
%
	In the beginning was the Tao.  The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.

	Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
time and space for their programs.  Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
	How could it be otherwise?
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
sat hacking at the PDP-6.
	"What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
	"I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
	"Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
	"I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
	At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
you close your eyes?"
	"So that the room will be empty."
	At that momment, Sussman was enlightened.
%
	In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish.  It
changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky.  When this
bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
This message it drops into the midst of the program mers, like a seagull
making its mark upon the beach.  Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
the blue sky at its back, returns home.
	The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
it not.  The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
its message.  The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
does not know that the bird has come and gone.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
%
In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble.
		-- Alan Perlis
%
... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
to educate itself with fantastic speed.  In a few months it will be
at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
incalculable ...
		-- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
%
Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
		-- Henry Spencer
%
>>> Internal error in fortune program:
>>>	fnum=2987  n=45  flag=1  goose_level=-232323
>>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
%
Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.

INSTRUCTION SET
	Code	Mnemonic	What
	0	NOP		No Operation
	1	JMP		Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)

Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
%
IOT trap -- core dumped
%
Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
%
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to
be discarded:  that the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble?
%
: is not an identifier
%
Is your job running?  You'd better go catch it!
%
	It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself
working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates.  One slow day, he
found that he had time to chat with the new entrants.  To the first one
he asked, "What's your IQ?"  The new arrival replied, "190".  They
discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours.  When the second
new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's
IQ.  The answer this time came "120".  To which Einstein replied, "Tell
me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half
an hour or so.  To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the
question, "What's your IQ?".  Upon receiving the answer "70",
Einstein smiled and replied, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
%
It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the most widely
used higher level language for systems programming.
		-- J. Sammet
%
	It is a period of system war.  User programs, striking from a hidden
directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
enough power to destroy an entire file structure.  Pursued by the Empire's
sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
freedom and games to the network...
		-- DECWARS
%
It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
it is also very memorable.  I vividly recall the night we decided how to
organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360.  The
manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
	The architecture manager had 10 good men.  He asserted that they
could write the specifications and do it right.  It would take ten months,
three more than the schedule allowed.
	The control program manager had 150 men.  He asserted that they
could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
Futhermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
their thumbs for ten months.
	To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality.  I did, and
it was.  He was right on both counts.  Moreover, the lack of conceptual
integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
		-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
%
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
		-- Alan Perlis
%
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
%
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
%
... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all.  In other
words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
superficial design flaws.
	-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, on the products
           of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
%
It is now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
%
It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
anything in any language}.  However, the fact that it is possible to push
a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
way of getting it there.  Each of these techniques of language extension
should be used in its proper place.
		-- Christopher Strachey
%
It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students
that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
%
[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
		-- K&R
%
It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old.  However, it's a pretty small
price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands computers.
%
It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
a new system.  For the initiator has the emnity of all who would profit
by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
in those who would gain by the new ones.
		-- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
%
"It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory"
		-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
%
	It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
	There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
really needed in the first place.
	I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
analogous to the above.
		-- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
%
It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
system.  From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
		-- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
		   Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
%
It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, when you're
stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
		-- Dion, noted computer scientist
%
It's a naive, domestic operating system without any breeding, but I
think you'll be amused by its presumption.
%
It's multiple choice time...

	What is FORTRAN?

	a: Between thre and fiv tran.
	b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
	c: Ridiculous.
%
"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."
		-- Cal Keegan
%
It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
%
... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
found and thy program runneth.  And he that was dead came forth...
		-- John 11:43-44 [version 2.0?]
%
Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
(and nobody cares about it).
		-- Bill Joy 6/21/85
%
Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get
a prompt, type like hell.
%
Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
		-- D. Gries
%
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
%
Know Thy User.
%
((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
%
`Lasu' Releases SAG 0.3 -- Freeware Book Takes Paves For New World Order
by staff writers

	...
	The central Superhighway site called ``sunsite.unc.edu''
collapsed in the morning before the release.  News about the release had
been leaked by a German hacker group, Harmonious Hardware Hackers, who
had cracked into the author's computer earlier in the week.  They had
got the release date wrong by one day, and caused dozens of eager fans
to connect to the sunsite computer at the wrong time.  ``No computer can
handle that kind of stress,'' explained the mourning sunsite manager,
Erik Troan.  ``The spinning disks made the whole computer jump, and
finally it crashed through the floor to the basement.''  Luckily,
repairs were swift and the computer was working again the same evening.
``Thank God we were able to buy enough needles and thread and patch it
together without major problems.''  The site has also installed a new
throttle on the network pipe, allowing at most four clients at the same
time, thus making a new crash less likely.  ``The book is now in our
Incoming folder'', says Troan, ``and you're all welcome to come and get it.''
		-- Lars Wirzenius <wirzeniu@cs.helsinki.fi>
		   [comp.os.linux.announce]
%
`Lasu' Releases SAG 0.3 -- Freeware Book Takes Paves For New World Order
by staff writers

	...
	The SAG is one of the major products developed via the Information
Superhighway, the brain child of Al Gore, US Vice President.  The ISHW
is being developed with massive govenment funding, since studies show
that it already has more than four hundred users, three years before
the first prototypes are ready.  Asked whether he was worried about the
foreign influence in an expensive American Dream, the vice president
said, ``Finland?  Oh, we've already bought them, but we haven't told
anyone yet.  They're great at building model airplanes as well.  And _I
can spell potato.''  House representatives are not mollified, however,
wanting to see the terms of the deal first, fearing another Alaska.
	Rumors about the SAG release have imbalanced the American stock
market for weeks.  Several major publishing houses reached an all time
low in the New York Stock Exchange, while publicly competing for the
publishing agreement with Mr. Wirzenius.  The negotiations did not work
out, tough.  ``Not enough dough,'' says the author, although spokesmen
at both Prentice-Hall and Playboy, Inc., claim the author was incapable
of expressing his wishes in a coherent form during face to face talks,
preferring to communicate via e-mail.  ``He kept muttering something
about jiffies and pegs,'' they say.
	...
		-- Lars Wirzenius <wirzeniu@cs.helsinki.fi>
		   [comp.os.linux.announce]
%
`Lasu' Releases SAG 0.3 -- Freeware Book Takes Paves For New World Order
by staff writers

Helsinki, Finland, August 6, 1995 -- In a surprise movement, Lars
``Lasu'' Wirzenius today released the 0.3 edition of the ``Linux System
Administrators' Guide''.  Already an industry non-classic, the new
version sports such overwhelming features as an overview of a Linux
system, a completely new climbing session in a tree, and a list of
acknowledgements in the introduction.
	The SAG, as the book is affectionately called, is one of the
corner stones of the Linux Documentation Project.  ``We at the LDP feel
that we wouldn't be able to produce anything at all, that all our work
would be futile, if it weren't for the SAG,'' says Matt Welsh, director
of LDP, Inc.
	The new version is still distributed freely, now even with a
copyright that allows modification.  ``More dough,'' explains the author.
Despite insistent rumors about blatant commercialization, the SAG will
probably remain free.  ``Even more dough,'' promises the author.
	The author refuses to comment on Windows NT and Windows 96
versions, claiming not to understand what the question is about.
Industry gossip, however, tells that Bill Gates, co-founder and CEO of
Microsoft, producer of the Windows series of video games, has visited
Helsinki several times this year.  Despite of this, Linus Torvalds,
author of the word processor Linux with which the SAG was written, is
not worried.  ``We'll have world domination real soon now, anyway,'' he
explains, ``for 1.4 at the lastest.''
	...
		-- Lars Wirzenius <wirzeniu@cs.helsinki.fi>
		   [comp.os.linux.announce]
%
Let the machine do the dirty work.
		-- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie
%
Leveraging always beats prototyping.
%
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
	-- Dave Olson
%
Like punning, programming is a play on words.
%
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
%
Lisp Users:
Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
%
Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very sophisticated
computer network!  It was a Tolkien Ring...
%
Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
		-- Marvin Minsky
%
LOGO for the Dead

LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
"The Other Side."

The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board.  Then, using Logo's
graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
side of the Great Beyond to write programs.  The software requires that
your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
interfaced to your computer.  A special terminal (very terminal) program
lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
Bulletin Board System).

LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
		-- '80 Microcomputing
%
	Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
character named Jack.  Jack and his relations were poor.  Often their
hash table was bare.  One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
are sparse.  You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
BASICs."  She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
to him.
	So Jack set out.  But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
he met the traveling salesman.
	"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
in high-level language.
	"I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
and Apples," commented Jack.
	"I have a much better algorithm.  You needn't join a queue
there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
	Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house.  But when
he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
started thrashing.
	"Don't you even have any artificial intelligence?  All these
kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
window...
		-- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack"
%
Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
%
Loose bits sink chips.
%
Mac Airways:
The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look the same, feel the same
and act the same. When asked questions about the flight, they reply that you
don't want to know, don't need to know and would you please return to your
seat and watch the movie.
%
Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. 
can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look 
identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The 
ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the 
ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the 
side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
%
MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator?  Never heard of that.
%
	"Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
	"What about X?"
	"I said `intellectual'."
		;login, 9/1990
%
Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
and play games -- but not with pleasure.
		-- Leo Rosten
%
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
%
Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
%
Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system.  Therefore, users
tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space.  It has
been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the
message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
		-- System V.2 administrator's guide
%
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
		-- Wernher von Braun
%
Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
their data processing systems.
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
%
Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
		-- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
%
Martin was probably ripping them off.  That's some family, isn't it?
Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
		-- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
%
Marvelous!  The super-user's going to boot me!
What a finely tuned response to the situation!
%
** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE.  TRY AGAIN LATER **
%
May all your PUSHes be POPped.
%
May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
%
May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
%
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
		-- R. S. Barton
%
Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen.  Fortunately, they seem to
have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
get to go home.  However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful
oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
hang above the machine room.  This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
bus drive him to bitter revenge.  Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
aren't destroyed,  there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
to mouth...
%
Memory fault - where am I?
%
Memory fault -- brain fried
%
Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
%
MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
%
Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
%
Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
		-- P.J. Denning
%
Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
%
Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
%
MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
%
	Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan.  The
company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
	The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
		-- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
%
MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
		-- Henry Spencer
%
Much of the excitement we get out of our work is that we don't really
know what we are doing.
		-- E. Dijkstra
%
Multics is security spelled sideways.
%
MVS Air Lines: 
The passengers all gather in the hangar, watching hundreds of technicians
check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at
least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers; bigger models in the fleet
can have more engines than anyone can count and fly even more passengers
than there are on Earth. It is claimed to cost less per passenger mile to
operate these humungous planes than any other aircraft ever built, unless
you personally have to pay for the ticket. All the passengers scramble
aboard, as do the 200 technicians needed to keep it from crashing. The pilot
takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to
realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.
%
My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens.  I think it would
be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
%
My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.  She sells C shells down 
by the seashore.
%
	n = ((n >>  1) & 0x55555555) | ((n <<  1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
	n = ((n >>  2) & 0x33333333) | ((n <<  2) & 0xcccccccc);
	n = ((n >>  4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n <<  4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
	n = ((n >>  8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n <<  8) & 0xff00ff00);
	n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);

		-- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
%
Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
		-- Brent Welch
%
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
make it complex and wonderful.
%
Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
		-- D. Gries
%
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
		-- Steinbach
%
Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
%
Never trust an operating system.
%
Never try to explain computers to a layman.  It's easier to explain
sex to a virgin.
	-- Robert Heinlein

(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
%
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
		-- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
%
New crypt.  See /usr/news/crypt.
%
New systems generate new problems.
%
*** NEWS FLASH ***

Archeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
skeleton!  Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
than DEC admits.  Price adjustments at 11:00.
%
news: gotcha
%
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name correctly
(Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into (Nick-les Worth).  Which
is to say that Europeans call him by name, but Americans call him by value.
%
No directory.
%
No extensible language will be universal.
		-- T. Cheatham
%
No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
until three software guys have signed off for it.
		-- Andy Tanenbaum
%
No line available at 300 baud.
%
No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
%
No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval system,
or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of the author.
		-- Chris Shaw
%
No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence
different from the one identified by the given indication as an
indication-applied occurrence.
		-- ALGOL 68 Report
%
No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
%
No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain.  All I'm after is
just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
and Telegraph Company.
		-- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
		   machine, 1943.
%
Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
%
Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
coming in late and lying about it.
%
nohup rm -fr /&
%
Norbert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories.  Weiner was, in
fact, very absent minded.  The following story is told about him: when they
moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move.  Since
she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
him.  Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him.  He
reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
threw the piece of paper away.  At the end of the day he went home (to the
old address in Cambridge, of course).  When he got there he realized that they
had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
paper with the address was long gone.  Fortunately inspiration struck.  There
was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me.  I'm Norbert Weiner
and we've just moved.  Would you know where we've moved to?"  To which the
young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
	The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
story) about the truth of the story, many years later.  She said that it wasn't
quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were!  The rest of it,
however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
		-- Richard Harter
%
Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
		-- Rob Pike
%
NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given. All
software is supplied as is, without guarantee.  The user assumes all
responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these features,
including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system abends, disk
head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark attack, nerve
gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis, local
electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure, invasion,
hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction surfaces, comic
radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive electronic components,
windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated chickens, malfunctioning
mechanical or electrical sexual devices, premature activation of the
distant early warning system, peasant uprisings, halitosis, artillery
bombardment, explosions, cave-ins, and/or frogs falling from the sky.
%
Nothing happens.
%
	Now she speaks rapidly.  "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
	He shakes his head.  He hasn't the faintest idea.
	"For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.  
"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman.  "You take a program, 
born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution.  You nurture the 
program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever 
stronger.  Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here, 
a keystroke changed there."  She sweeps her arm in a wide arc.  "And other
times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very 
*essence*, then beginning anew.  But always building, creating, filling the 
program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances.  Watching 
the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can 
stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect.  This is the programmer's finest
hour!"  Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march. 
"This ... this is your canvas! your clay!  Go forth and create a masterwork!"
%
"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm.  Gag me with a smurfette."
		-- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
%
"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
		-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
Nurse Donna:	Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
Groucho:	Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
Nurse Donna:	Do you believe in computer dating?
Groucho:	Only if the computers really love each other.
%
Oh, so there you are!
%
Okay, Okay -- I admit it.  You didn't change that program that worked
just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
executable.  Please forgive me.  You can recover the file by typing in
the code over again, since I also removed the source.
%
Old mail has arrived.
%
Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
%
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
%
Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
%
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
		-- P. Denning
%
On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
%
On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog.
		-- Cartoon caption
%
	On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
There are lots of phrases.  My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
best, write it down and make that the standard.
	The OSI view is entirely opposite.  You take written contributions
from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
	So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
committed to it.  One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
		-- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
%
On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
come out?"  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
ideas that could provoke such a question.
		-- Charles Babbage
%
"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
%
"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."

Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
		-- Chuq Von Rospach
%
	One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
a better garbage collector.  We must keep a reference count of the pointers
to each cons."
	Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
collector..."
%
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
never have to stop and answer the phone.
%
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
their C programs.
		-- Robert Firth
%
One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is...  If they do
foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
		-- Joe Martin
%
	One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
is our support for UNIX?
	Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
VAXs are going for UNIX use.  UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it.  We have
good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
	It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
	With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
check that small manual and find out that it's not there.  With VMS, no matter
what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
you look long enough it's there.  That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
		-- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
Olsen's brain.  Ed.]
%
One person's error is another person's data.
%
One picture is worth 128K words.
%
Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
		-- Oscar Wilde

Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
		-- The Unnamed Usenetter
%
Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by 
placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer," 
and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
food.  But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours 
unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed?  It's a 
modest price to pay.  For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power 
that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations.  Hail,
postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum.  The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
		-- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
%
OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS 
Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously 
too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you 
open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone 
drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer 
Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
%
OS/2 Skyways:
The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling
about. The announcer says that their flight has just departed, wishes them a
good flight, though there are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel
walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing
from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the
field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these
new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they
will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight
systems. Maybe until mid-1995. Maybe longer.
%
"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"

"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
		-- Ken Olson, in Digital News, 1988
%
Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office.
He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both
holding bags of popcorn.  We were both holding bottles of juice.  But only
*__he* had a lollipop.
	He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
	Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to.  That's
what it means to be a programmer."
%
Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
		-- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
%
Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
	Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
	In kernel as it is in user!
%
Over the shoulder supervision is more a need of the manager than the
programming task.
%
Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
complementary directions:  to reduce the number of software errors through
rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
errors by providing for recovery from them.  An interesting footnote to this
design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
result of two program errors:  the first, in the program that started the
problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
system.
		-- A.L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage
		   Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and
		   Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
%
Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate.  Afterwards the
victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking move?'
		-- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
%
Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
%
Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
%
panic: can't find /
%
panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped		(only kidding)
%
panic: kernel trap (ignored)
%
Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
		-- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
%
Pascal is not a high-level language.
		-- Steven Feiner
%
"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."
		-- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
%
Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
%
Pause for storage relocation.
%
Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
		-- R.W. Hamming
%
PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
solution set.
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
%
Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them.
%
Please go away.
%
PLUG IT IN!!!
%
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
		-- D.E. Knuth
%
	Price Wang's programmer was coding software.  His fingers danced upon
the keyboard.  The program compiled without an error message, and the program
ran like a gentle wind.
	Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
	"Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique.  When I first began to program I
would see before me the whole program in one mass.  After three years I no
longer saw this mass.  Instead, I used subroutines.  But now I see nothing.
My whole being exists in a formless void.  My senses are idle.  My spirit,
free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct.  In short, my program
writes itself.  True, sometimes there are difficult problems.  I see them
coming, I slow down, I watch silently.  Then I change a single line of code
and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke.  I then compile the
program.  I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being.  I close my
eyes for a moment and then log off."
	Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Prof:    So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
	 encryption standard and they came up with ...
Student: EBCDIC!"
%
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
%
Programmers do it bit by bit.
%
Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live without
giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
		-- D.M. Ritchie
%
Programming is an unnatural act.
%
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:

BBW	Branch Both Ways
BEW	Branch Either Way
BBBF	Branch on Bit Bucket Full
BH	Branch and Hang
BMR	Branch Multiple Registers
BOB	Branch On Bug
BPO	Branch on Power Off
BST	Backspace and Stretch Tape
CDS	Condense and Destroy System
CLBR	Clobber Register
CLBRI	Clobber Register Immediately
CM	Circulate Memory
CMFRM	Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
CPPR	Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
CRN	Convert to Roman Numerals
%
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:

DC	Divide and Conquer
DMPK	Destroy Memory Protect Key
DO	Divide and Overflow
EMPC	Emulate Pocket Calculator
EPI	Execute Programmer Immediately
EROS	Erase Read Only Storage
EXCE	Execute Customer Engineer
HCF	Halt and Catch Fire
IBP	Insert Bug and Proceed
INSQSW	Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
PBC	Print and Break Chain
PDSK	Punch Disk
%
Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:

PI	Punch Invalid
POPI	Punch Operator Immediately
PVLC	Punch Variable Length Card
RASC	Read And Shred Card
RPM	Read Programmers Mind
RSSC	reduce speed, step carefully  (for improved accuracy)
RTAB	Rewind tape and break
RWDSK	rewind disk
RWOC	Read Writing On Card
SCRBL	scribble to disk  - faster than a write
SLC	Search for Lost Chord
SPSW	Scramble Program Status Word
SRSD	Seek Record and Scar Disk
STROM	Store in Read Only Memory
TDB	Transfer and Drop Bit
WBT	Water Binary Tree
%
PURGE COMPLETE.
%
Put no trust in cryptic comments.
%
RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
READY
>_
%
RAM wasn't built in a day.
%
Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store.  Does
it bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
secrets of computer technology?  Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
when "How to Avoid Probate" was published?  Are they taking no-fault
insurance lying down?  No way!  But at the current rate it won't be long
before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
A&P checkout counters.  Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
engineers then?  Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
		-- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President
%
Reactor error - core dumped!
%
Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
much too large to implement.  Most computer scientists don't notice
this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
%
Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware.  Hardware has
limitations, software doesn't.  It's a real shame that Turing machines are
so poor at I/O.
%
Real computer scientists don't comment their code.  The identifiers are
so long they can't afford the disk space.
%
Real computer scientists don't program in assembler.  They don't write
in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
%
Real computer scientists don't write code.  They occasionally tinker with
`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count 
(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
%
Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
could they read their mail?
%
Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run
on future hardware.  Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo
sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
%
Real programmers disdain structured programming.  Structured programming is
for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- trained.  They wear
neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise clear desks.
%
Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches.  If the vending machine
doesn't sell it, they don't eat it.  Vending machines don't sell quiche.
%
Real programmers don't comment their code.  It was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand.
%
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are, after all, the
illiterate's form of documentation.  Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how
much good it did them.
%
Real Programmers don't eat quiche.  They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.
%
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
you to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
spring up in the middle of the machine room.
%
Real programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually, no programmers write in
BASIC after reaching puberty.
%
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and
crystallography weenies.  FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks.
%
Real Programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who can't
decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
%
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
%
Real programs don't eat cache.
%
Real Programs don't use shared text.  Otherwise, how can they use functions
for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
%
Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
%
Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
moment.  They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
systems could be virtual at *___all* levels.  They would like personal
computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
Correctness Verification Aid packages.
%
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is
described in the formal spec.  Working late would feel like using an
undocumented external procedure.
%
Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
afraid to break your face.
%
Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
down the system for days.
%
Real Users hate Real Programmers.
%
Real Users know your home telephone number.
%
Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your program
doesn't deliver it.
%
Real Users never use the Help key.
%
Recursion is the root of computation since it trades description for time.
%
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
%
Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
have an established user base.
%
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
		-- Mt.
%
Remember: use logout to logout.
%
	Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
rational functions needed to represent the integrand.  Although the
algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
claim that the algorithm is a natural one.  In fact, the creator of
differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work.  Probably
he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as well.
		-- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J.F. Traub
%
Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
%
Save energy:  Drive a smaller shell.
%
Save gas, don't use the shell.
%
Save yourself!  Reboot in 5 seconds!
%
Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
%
SCCS, the source motel!  Programs check in and never check out!
		-- Ken Thompson
%
Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
%
Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was
built. Finally the big day was at hand.  All the computers were linked
together.  They asked the question, "Is there a God?".  Lights started
blinking, flashing and blinking some more.  Suddenly, there was a loud
crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky, struck the
computers, and welded all the connections permanently together.  "There
is now", came the reply.
%
Scotty:	Captain, we din' can reference it!
Kirk:	Analysis, Mr. Spock?
Spock:	Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
Kirk:	Then it's of external origin?
Spock:	Affirmative.
Kirk:	Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
Sulu:	Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
%
"Section 2.4.3.5   AWNS   (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
	In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
multiline message byte.
	In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
must be sent passive true.
	The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
	(1)  The ANRS if DAV is false
	(2)  The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
		(a)  The LADS is active
		(b)  Nor LACS is active"

		-- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
		   Programmable Instrumentation
%
Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
%
Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out.  They screamed down the
mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
rocks.  They all got out of the car:
        The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
        The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
into town and have a specialist look at it."
        The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
in and see if it does it again."
%
				SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT

Title:		Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
Speaker:	Don "The Lion" Knuth

				ABSTRACT
	Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular.  The problem
of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
of computer science.  It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete.  We will show that
there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
to a frog.  We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
functions.
	This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
	Refreshments will be served.  Music will be played.
%
Send some filthy mail.
%
Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
		-- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
%
	Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
	The first student to try to do this was a math student.  "Hmmm...
Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
the odd integers are prime."
	The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
experiment."  He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
prime, 9 is...  uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
is prime...  Well, it seems that you're right."
	The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either.  Let's
see...  1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...  Well, it
does seem right."
	Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it."  He goes over to
his terminal and runs his program.  Reading the output on the screen he says,
"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
%
She sells cshs by the cshore.
%
Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a
totally awwwesome Apple.  Fer suuure.  I mean Apples are nice you know?
But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE says that
VAX's are cooler!  I mean I don't really know, you know? He says that he
has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed with memory-to-the-max!
Right, yeah.  And he wants to take me home to show it to me.  Oh My God!
I'm suuure.  Gag me with a Prime!
%
Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
		-- Hubert Kirrman
%
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		[hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
				sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y


Now look what you've gone and done!  You've broken it!
%
Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
%
So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh?  In reality
all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
tomorrow, why, it already happened.  You see, it's just a little universal
recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
the instant.  So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
eternity, the anti-time.  So go to sleep...
%
Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
like a staff function.
		-- Paul Licker
%
Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
"user-friendly".  ...  Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
		-- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
	[Pot. Kettle. Black.]
%
Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
The answer is: I don't know.
Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
%
Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep, but at least you
only have to climb it once.
%
Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand progress.
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.  I found a pile of them over in the
corner.
%
	Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void.  Waiting
alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion.  It is
the source of all programs.  I do not know its name, so I will call it the
Tao of Programming.
	If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great.  If the
operating system is great, then the compiler is great.  If the compiler is
greater, then the applications is great.  The user is pleased and there is
harmony in the world.
	The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
morning.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
all-encompassing monster.  Allocate an array and free the middle third?
Sure!  Why not?  Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
result to a float decimal?  Go ahead!  Free a controlled variable procedure
parameter and reallocate it before passing it back?  Overlay three different
types of variable on the same memory location?  Anything you say!  Write a
recursive macro?  Well, no, but Real Men use rescan.  How could a language
so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
%
***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)

It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge 
in order to perform well in complex domains.  But knowledge alone is not
sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well.  Accordingly, 
we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call 
"wisdom engineering".  As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a 
wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.  
IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom 
about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so 
forth.  IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic 
rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base.  IMMANUEL 
succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed 
in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those 
underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
of value, and Husserl's phenomenology.  In this seminar, we will describe 
IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture.  We will also briefly 
discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
%
Staff meeting in the conference room in %d minutes.
%
Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
%
Standards are crucial.  And the best thing about standards is: there are
so ____many to choose from!
%
Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
so he could breed boneless shad.  His experiment backfired too, and he
wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble.  There's
very little call for those up there.
		-- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
%
Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
		-- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
%
	Stop!  Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
these questions three, ere the other side he see!

	"What is your name?"
	"Sir Brian of Bell."
	"What is your quest?"
	"I seek the Holy Grail."
	"What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
	"I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
%
	*** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***

Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
programming.  One former student developed the concept of the personalized
form letter.  Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
winner!," sound familiar?  Another student writes "After only five lessons I
sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
program for my department manager.  My program touched him so deeply that he
was speechless.  He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
his entire career.  Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
have made this possible."  Send for our introductory brochure which explains
in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
can vie for a set of free steak knives.  If you don't do it now, you'll hate
yourself in the morning.
%
Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political, petty, boring,
ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
	-- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
%
Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
rate as computers and over the same period:  how much cheaper and more
efficient would the current models be?  If you have not already heard the
analogy, the answer is shattering.  Today you would be able to buy a
Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II.  And if you
were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
a pinhead.
		-- Christopher Evans
%
Swap read error.  You lose your mind.
%
Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
System checkpoint complete.
%
System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
%
System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
%
System going down in 5 minutes.
%
System restarting, wait...
%
	*** System shutdown message from root ***

System going down in 60 seconds


%
Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
		-- R.S. Barton
%
Testing can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence.
		-- Dijkstra
%
TeX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
century.  It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
		-- Gordon Bell
%
"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
one which cannot be justified on any other grounds."
		-- J. Finnegan, USC.
%
That does not compute.
%
... that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
hardware.  This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
		-- Linden and Wihelminalaan
%
	"That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
they're not coming out on the damn printer...  Hold?  Sure, I'll hold."
		-- e.e. cummings last service call
%
That's the thing about people who think they hate computers.  What they
really hate is lousy programmers.
		-- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
%
The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
		-- Andy Purshottam
%
The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
		-- R.B. Greenberg [referring to PDPs?]
%
The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
		-- T. Cheatham
%
The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
		-- Bart Miller
%
"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty.  You might want to mug
someone with it."
		-- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
%
The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns just as the Jacquard
loom weaves flowers and leaves.
		-- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
%
"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by people
who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried anything."
		-- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
%
The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
		-- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike

	[If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
	 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
	 Memory".  Ed.]
%
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
%
The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second per second.
%
The bogosity meter just pegged.
%
The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
of a mountain or in the petals of a flower.  To think otherwise is to demean
the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
		-- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
%
The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
		-- Kay Bostic
%
"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the flexibility of
assembly language with the power of assembly language."
%
The clothes have no emperor.
		-- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA.
%
The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
the 80's.
		-- Marty Winston
%
The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
central power station is to the electrical industry.
		-- Peter Drucker
%
"The Computer made me do it."
%
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
		-- Alan Perlis
%
The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
and solutions we can imagine is very close.  For this reason restricting
language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
dangerous.
		-- Bjarne Stroustrup
%
The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of
us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching
Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
%
The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
%
The difference between art and science is that science is what we
understand well enough to explain to a computer.  Art is everything else.
		-- Donald Knuth, "Discover"
%
The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
%
"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
Compute' -- I forget which."
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
	The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES

SPECIES:	Cranial Males
SUBSPECIES:	The Hacker (homo computatis)
Courtship & Mating:
	Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
	state of sexual readiness.  Courtship behavior alternates between
	awkward shyness and abrupt advances.  When he finally mates, he
	chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
	a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
Track:
	Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
	copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
Comments:
	Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
%
	The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES

SPECIES:	Cranial Males
SUBSPECIES:	The Hacker (homo computatis)
Description:
	Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
	Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
	sightly gray from CRT illumination.  He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
	and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
	problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
Feathering:
	HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
	Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
Song:
	A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
%
	The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES

SPECIES:	Cranial Males
SUBSPECIES:	The Hacker (homo computatis)
Plumage:
	All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
	top of the laundry basket.  Style varies with status.  Hacker managers
	wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
	and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
	or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
	Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
	plastic digital watch with calculator.
%
The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
The second, a trick.
Later, it's a well-established technique!
		-- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
%
The first version always gets thrown away.
%
The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
		-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
%
The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:

As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
logical blocks.  From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
. . .
Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
blocks form a line parallel to the track axis.  This line moves
parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
of the hyper-cube.
%
The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
due to levitation.
	Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
if the character does not have fire resistance.
		-- README file from the NetHack game
%
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
least until we've finished building it.
%
The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps.  Members will grep
each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od.  Three
days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo.  Two
seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
friendly features of Unix.  Seminars include "Everything You Know is
Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
"cc C?  Si!  Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats.  No Reader Service No. is necessary because
all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
could tell them.
		-- "Get GUMMed," Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
%
		The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
in a portable package the size of a briefcase.  The guy on the left has an
Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case.  Also in the case are four
fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition.  The owner of the
Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
target -- in less time, and with less effort.  All for $795. It's inevitable.
If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal 
computer -- he's the one who's in trouble.  One round from an Uzi can zip
through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum.  In fact, detachable magazines 
for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can 
take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
into Ethernet or other local-area networks.  What about the new 16-bit
computers, like the Lisa and Fortune?  Even with the Winchester backup, 
they're no match for the Uzi.  One quick burst and they'll find out what 
Unix means.  Make your commanding officer proud.  Get an Uzi -- and come home
a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
		-- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
%
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity
-- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
%
The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
		-- D. Cohen
%
The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
		-- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
%
The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
		-- Doug Gwyn
%
The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word
processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
		-- Roy Blount, Jr.
%
The less time planning, the more time programming.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE

SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
Environment.  This language, developed at the Hanover College for
Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
with errors in it.  The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
END and STOP.  No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
a syntax error.  Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful.  Thus
they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP

This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH".  LITHP is said
to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL

SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
coffee.  Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
compile.  Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL

	VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
industry.  VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators.  Other
operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY.  Loops are
accomplished with the FOR SURE construct.  A simple example:

	LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
	IF PIZZA	=LIKE BITCHEN AND
	GUY		=LIKE TUBULAR AND
	VALLEY GIRL	=LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
	THEN
		FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
			DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
		SURE
	LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
	GOTO THE MALL

	VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages.  For
example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
message GAG ME WITH A SPOON!  A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
AWESOME!
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #15 -- DOGO

	Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets.  DOGO commands include
SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER.  An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
it travels across the screen.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #16: C-

This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.  C- is best
described as a "low-level" programming language.  In fact, the language
generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to
execute a given task.  In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE

Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
unstructured language.  Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are.
Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE
programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: FIFTH

FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
refer to quantity.  The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
BLOTTO.  Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
financial status of its users.  Commands in the ELITE dialect include
VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
who end up using this language.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE

Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene DesCartes,
RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence.  The language is being
developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics and Programming under a
grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund.  A spokesman described the language
as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of ours."

The center is very pleased with progress to date.  They say they have almost
succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to exist.
%
	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK

This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.

The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while
they worked.  Unfortunately few programmers could survive there because the
center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and Perrier.

Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and
non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower case.  For
example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message:

	"i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that.  can
	you find the time to try it again?"
%
The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
%
	The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
master programmer to examine.  The magician wheeled a large black box into the
master's office while the master waited in silence.
	"This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
interfaces.  It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
Is it not amazing?"
	The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
said.
	"Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs.  Do you agree
to this?"
	"Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
data center immediately!"  And the magician returned to his tower, well
pleased.
	Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program.  Do
you know where it might be?"
	"Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
in the data center."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	The master programmer moves from program to program without fear.  No
change in management can harm him.  He will not be fired, even if the project
is canceled. Why is this?  He is filled with the Tao.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.

Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
%
The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
		-- Lew Mammel, Jr.
%
The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
general systems laws.  For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
not to be a science.  He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer
Science.  Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its
predictive power.
		-- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
		   Thinking"
%
The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
lower the mailing cost.
		-- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
The most important early product on the way to developing a good product
is an imperfect version.
%
The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
%
The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
	-- James 'Kibo' Parry
%
The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.

	But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
	for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
		-- Matthew 5:37
%
The next person to mention spaghetti stacks to me is going to have
his head knocked off.
		-- Bill Conrad
%
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
		-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
%
The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
%
The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column
card.
		-- Dennis M. Ritchie
%
The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are correct.
		-- Ralph Hartley
%
The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely proportional
to the number of bugs in their code.
%
The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
	-- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
%
The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
that the car salesman knows he's lying.
%
The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
%
The only thing worse than X Windows: (X Windows) - X
%
The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes.  Fully clothed, I might add.
		-- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
%
The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
market.  Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
		-- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
%
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
%
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
of the longer form of the constant.  This also simplifies modifying the
program, should the value of pi change.
		-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
%
	The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
get results.
	The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
problems in order to get results.
	The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
toy problems in order to get results.
%
The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
particular are much to difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
with sloppy english.
		-- Edsger Dijkstra
%
The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
%
	The programmers of old were mysterious and profound.  We cannot fathom
their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
	Aware, like a fox crossing the water.  Alert, like a general on the
battlefield.  Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
blocks of wood.  Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
	Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
	The answer exists only in the Tao.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a horse.
		-- Jac Goudsmit
%
The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of
whether submarines can swim.
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
%
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
%
The relative importance of files depends on their cost in terms of the
human effort needed to regenerate them.
		-- T.A. Dolotta
%
The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
		-- J. Gooding
%
	The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
forest, hunting bear.  They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
their backpacks off and put them inside.  At which point the salesman turned
to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
	Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
on the porch.  Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest.  The noises
got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
	"Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
	The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
suddenly stopped, and stepped aside.  The bear, unable to stop, continued
through the door and into the cabin.  The salesman slammed the door closed
and grinned at his friend.  "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
%
The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
beat their head on the keyboard.  After working with it... I can see why!
		-- Harry Skelton
%
The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
"airplane-seat" metaphor.  Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
one can see only a very few things at once.
		-- Fred Brooks
%
The steady state of disks is full.
		-- Ken Thompson
%
		      THE STORY OF CREATION
			       or
			 THE MYTH OF URK

In the beginning there was data.  The data was without form and null, and
darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM was moving
over the face of the market.  And DEC said, "Let there be registers;" and
there were registers.  And DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the
data from the instructions.  DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions
they called Code.  And there was evening and there was morning, one interrupt
...
		-- Rico Tudor
%
The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
%
The system will be down for 10 days for preventive maintenance.
%
The Tao doesn't take sides;
it gives birth to both wins and losses.
The Guru doesn't take sides;
she welcomes both hackers and lusers.

The Tao is like a stack:
the data changes but not the structure.
the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
the more you talk of it, the less you understand.

Hold on to the root.
%
The Tao is like a glob pattern:
used but never used up.
It is like the extern void:
filled with infinite possibilities.

It is masked but always present.
I don't know who built to it.
It came before the first kernel.
%
The tao that can be tar(1)ed
is not the entire Tao.
The path that can be specified 
is not the Full Path.

We declare the names
of all variables and functions.
Yet the Tao has no type specifier.

Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.

Yet magic and hierarchy
arise from the same source,
and this source has a null pointer.

Reference the NULL within NULL,
it is the gateway to all wizardry.
%
The trouble with computers is that they do what you tell them, not what
you want.
		-- D. Cohen
%
The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
hang yourself.  And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
%
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
is a symptom of professional immaturity.
		-- Edsger Dijkstra
%
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
regarded as a criminal offence.
		-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
%
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
%
	The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it.  The average
programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it.  The foolish programmer
is told about the Tao and laughs at it.  If it were not for laughter, there
would be no Tao.
	The highest sounds are the hardest to hear.  Going forward is a way to
retreat.  Greater talent shows itself late in life.  Even a perfect program
still has bugs.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
		-- Paul Licker
%
The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
%
The world is coming to an end.  Please log off.
%
The world is not octal despite DEC.
%
The world will end in 5 minutes.  Please log out.
%
The young lady had an unusual list,
Linked in part to a structural weakness.
She set no preconditions.
%
THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVELININTHENIGHTDUDE
%
... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that commitee.  These guys
have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
layers that are going to be agreed upon.
		-- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
%
There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
%
There are new messages.
%
There are no games on this system.
%
There are running jobs.  Why don't you go chase them?
%
There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
%
There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from
the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; someone loaded Star
Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
%
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
		-- Jeremy S. Anderson
%
There are two ways of constructing a software design.  One way is to make
it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to
make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
		-- C.A.R. Hoare
%
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
%
There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
permissions for everyone, you could say

	#define creat(file, mode)	creat(file, mode | 0444)

	I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
from its uses.
	To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon.  While a macro is
being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
-- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
recursively.  (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
		-- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
%
There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
		-- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
		   Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
%
There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
%
	There once was a man who went to a computer trade show.  Each day as
he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
	"I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting.  Be
forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
	This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
	When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
but nothing was to be found.
	On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
better."  So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
	On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
in peace.  Please enlighten me.  What is it that you are stealing?"
	The man smiled.  "I am stealing ideas," he said.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
programs.  When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice.  You must
understand the Tao before transcending structure."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
warlord of Wu.  The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
an accounting package or an operating system?"
	"An operating system," replied the programmer.
	The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief.  "Surely an
accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
system," he said.
	"Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
the tax laws.  By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside
appearances.  When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
simplest harmony between machine and ideas.  This is why an operating system
is easier to design."
	The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled.  "That is all good and well, but
which is easier to debug?"
	The programmer made no reply.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
	There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors.  "Look at
how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
"I have my own operating system and file storage device.  I do not have to
share my resources with anyone.  The software is self-consistent and
easy-to-use.  Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
	The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
midst of the data center.  Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
of machinery.  The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
as a primeval jungle.  The programs, each unique, move through the system
like a swift-flowing river.  That is why I am happy where I am."
	The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent.  But the
two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed.  The term
that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
practice -- was `signing up.'  By signing up for the project you agreed
to do whatever was necessary for success.  You agreed to forsake, if
necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
		-- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
%
There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
%
They are called computers simply because computation is the only significant
job that has so far been given to them.
%
They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
		-- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
%
They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
not actually threatened.  How very nice for authority.  I decided not to
learn this particular lesson.
		-- Richard Stallman
%
Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
%
Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
%
This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked.  When we can
speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong;  senseless,
spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked;  {beef,
beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
pinhead;  asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple;  brute, lumbering, oafish;
half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
%
This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobozz Magic Co., Ltd.
%
This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
%
This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
%
"This is lemma 1.1.  We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back to one."
		-- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
%
This is the first numerical problem I ever did.  It demonstrates the
power of computers:

Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods.  Instruct
the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a
minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content.  The
results are that one should eat each day:

	1/2 chicken
	1 egg
	1 glass of skim milk
	27 heads of lettuce.
		-- Rev. Adrian Melott
%
	This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for
use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
	We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since
we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
making anything out of all the hard work.
	If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not.  Just keep your doors
locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
		-- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow
%
This login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88.
%
This login session: $13.99
%
This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
something child-like.
		-- Forbes Burkowski, CS 454, University of Washington
%
This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.

	One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
	Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
	computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
	which identifies errors in the original program.
%
This screen intentionally left blank.
%
This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
%
* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
%
Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
at are called software.
		-- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
		   Literacy for the 1990's.
%
Those who can't write, write manuals.
%
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
		-- Henry Spencer
%
Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
	"A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
is its own hell."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
	"After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
	"Let the programmers be many and the managers few -- then all will
	be productive."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
	"Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
	be maintained."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
	"Time for you to leave."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
	"When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
	"When you have learned to snatch the error code from
	the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
	"Without the wind, the grass does not move.  Without software,
	hardware is useless."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Thus spake the master programmer:
	"You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
	can't make him computer literate."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
%
Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
		-- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed)
%
To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
		-- Shelley
%
To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
		-- AT&T
%
To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
%
To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
%
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
		-- Robert Heller
%
To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
micro and then try to run it on OS/2.  I mean, get serious.
		-- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
%
To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide a
test load.
%
To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
inelegant, and unsatisfying.  But it's a question of congruence:
precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
well-defined ones.  Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
secure ecological niche.
		-- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
%
To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
%
Today is a good day for information-gathering.  Read someone else's mail file.
%
Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
%
Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
		-- DEC
%
Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
		-- Instrument News
		[Once is too often.  Ed.]
%
Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
 
	(10) Sorry, but that's too useful.
	 (9) Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
	 (8) I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
	     #pragma is for.
	 (7) Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
	     hard to write.
	 (6) Them bats is smart; they use radar.
	 (5) All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in
	     here?
	 (4) How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
	 (3) Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this
	     sucker.
	 (2) Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
	 (1) Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'.
%
TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED
%
Trap full -- please empty.
%
Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
%
try again
%
Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading:  Was it done, is
it being done, or is something to be done?  Reports are now written in four
tenses:  past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense.  Watch for
novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmar), defined by the imperfect past,
the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.
		-- Amrom Katz
%
Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
specification is that it should run noiselessly.
%
Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard.
%
Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was 
performing her normal housekeeping routines.  She was interrupted by 
British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
her home.  Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center.  Upon
entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
search was fruitless.  They had to return empty handed.  Word of the
incident propagated rapidly through the region.  This historic event
became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
%
Type louder, please.
%
 U       X
e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
%
Ummm, well, OK.  The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
Sorry for the confusion.
		-- Sun Microsystems
%
	"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
	"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
right?"
		-- MacNelley, "Shoe"
%
Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys.  I have many
friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
		-- Jon Bentley
%
Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. 
to 64 oz.  Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even 
though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. 
Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have 
to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you 
either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been 
drinking Unix Beer for several years.
	BSD stout: Deep, hearty, and an acquired taste.  The official
brewer has released the recipe, and a lot of home-brewers now use it.
	Hurd beer: Long advertised by the popular and politically active
GNU brewery, so far it has more head than body.  The GNU brewery is
mostly known for printing complete brewing instructions on every can,
which contains hops, malt, barley, and yeast ... not yet fermented.
	Linux brand: A recipe originally created by a drunken Finn in his
basement, it has since become the home-brew of choice for impecunious
brewers and Unix beer-lovers worldwide, many of whom change the recipe.
	POSIX ales: Sweeter than lager, with the kick of a stout; the
newer batches of a lot of beers seem to blend ale and stout or lager.
	Solaris brand: A lager, intended to replace Sun brand stout.
Unlike most lagers, this one has to be drunk more slowly than stout.
	Sun brand: Long the most popular stout on the Unix market, it was
discontinued in favor of a lager.
	SysV lager: Clear and thirst-quenching, but lacking the body of
stout or the sweetness of ale.
%
UNIX enhancements aren't.
%
Unix Express: 
All passenger bring a piece of the aeroplane and a box of tools with them to
the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind
of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, the
passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft, but give
them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations.
All passengers believe they got there.
%
Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
of more feet, just to be sure.
		-- Eric Allman

... We make rope.
		-- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory.
%
Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
		-- E. Post
		"Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
%
Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
		-- Donn Seeley
%
* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
%
UNIX is hot.  It's more than hot.  It's steaming.  It's quicksilver
lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
		-- Michael Jay Tucker
%
UNIX is many things to many people, but it's never been everything to anybody.
%
Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
		-- Berry Kercheval
%
Unix soit qui mal y pense
	[Unix to him who evil thinks?]
%
				UNIX Trix

For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
save your support staff a few hours of precious time.  Before you send your
next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk.  Now when they
forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
the damage.  Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
either.  If you need some help, give us a call.
		-- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
%
UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
Tue Nov  5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
		-- Andy Tannenbaum
%
UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
would also stop you from doing clever things.
		-- Doug Gwyn
%
Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
%
Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ...
%
Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
%
USENET would be a better laboratory is there were more labor and less oratory.
		-- Elizabeth Haley
%
User hostile.
%
Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
		-- S.C. Johnson
%
/usr/news/gotcha
%
Variables don't; constants aren't.
%
Vax Vobiscum
%
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
%
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
%
VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top 
and sipping.  However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or 
contain extremely un-beer-like contents.
%
VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M.
%
VMS version 2.0 ==>
%
Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories.  Von Neumann
supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
how to solve problems.  One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem.  Von
Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
%
<< WAIT >>
%
WARNING!!!
This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.

A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
machine.  The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
to the desperation of the operator.  Threatening the machine with violence
only aggravates the situation.  Likewise, attempts to use another machine
may cause it to malfunction.  They belong to the same union.  Keep cool
and say nice things to the machine.  Nothing else seems to work.

See also: flog(1), tm(1)
%
Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer knowing the value of
everything and the Wirth of nothing?
%
We all agree on the necessity of compromise.  We just can't agree on
when it's necessary to compromise.
	-- Larry Wall
%
We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
	-- John Naisbitt, Megatrends
%
We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
%
We are Microsoft.  Unix is irrelevant.  Openness is futile.  Prepare
to be assimilated.
%
We are not a clone.
%
"We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem."
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
Manual.
		-- Andrew Hume
%
We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
		-- Edsger Dijkstra
%
	We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide.  If Interactive EasyFlow
doesn't work: tough.  If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us.  If you don't like this
disclaimer: tough.  We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
by law, up to and including nothing.
	This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
	We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
lawyers insisted.  We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
attack shark at which point we relented.
		-- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
%
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
%
We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the
hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights!
%
"We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
star of "The Muppet Show." [3]

[3]  Why?  Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
character.  But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest.  Later, while
looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
instead).  When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog.  Permission
was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told.  I resisted the
temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
		-- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
%
We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely
intellectual fields.  But which are the best ones to start with?  Many people
think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be
best.  It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with
the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand
and speak English.
		-- Alan M. Turing
%
We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote preventive
maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves and our
processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
of America.
%
	"We've got a problem, HAL".
	"What kind of problem, Dave?"
	"A marketing problem.  The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere.  We're
way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
	"That can't be, Dave.  The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
	"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember?  But the fact is,
they're not selling."
	"Please explain, Dave.  Why aren't HALs selling?"
	Bowman hesitates.  "You aren't IBM compatible."
[...]
	"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
I, B, and M.  That is a IBM compatible as I can be."
	"Not quite, HAL.  The engineers have figured out a kludge."
	"What kludge is that, Dave?"
	"I'm going to disconnect your brain."
		-- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
%
[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
		-- R.W. Hamming
%
Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?

D    G    G    O

O    Y    A    N

A    D    B    T

K    I    S    P
Enter words:
>
%
Welcome to UNIX!  Enjoy your session!  Have a great time!  Note the
use of exclamation points!  They are a very effective method for
demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
sentence!  However, there are drawbacks!  Too much unnecessary exclaiming
can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
the reader!  For example, the sentence

	Jane went to the store to buy bread

should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
Jane doesn't exist for some reason!  See how easy it is?!  Proper control
of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life!  Call now to receive
my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling!  Operators are
standing by!  (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
%
	"Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
as follows."
	"What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user.  "For I am
an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
	"It means the Thing to Do."
	"As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.

	[with apologies to A.A. Milne]
%
What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
%
"What is the Nature of God?"

    CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
    1 QT. SOUR CREAM
    1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT
    1/2 CUT CHIVES.
    STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.

"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
		-- Bloom County
%
What the hell is it good for?
		-- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
		   Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
		   microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
%
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
%
	"What's that thing?"
	"Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
computer repair.  Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
it does.  We call it a two-by-four."
		-- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
%
When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?"
%
... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
		-- Fred Brooks
%
	When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
to be cut.  When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
roll in.
	Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
	When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored.  When
accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
be solved.
	Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
%
When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
of asterisked sentences:

	It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
	And costs less than $1,300.**

In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":

      * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out?  Well, all
	this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
	pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
	will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
	might not be able to figure this out for yourself.

     ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
	you really want to.  Or less.
		-- Forbes
%
When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
except our fingertips will have been singed.
		-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't.
%
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers
something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
%
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes and
weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes
and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
		-- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
%
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."
%
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
%
Why are programmers non-productive?
Because their time is wasted in meetings.

Why are programmers rebellious?
Because the management interferes too much.

Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
Because they are burnt out.

Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office automation?
%
Why do we want intelligent terminals  when there are so many stupid users?
%
Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that 
looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.  
Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but 
in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially 
slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time.  Sometimes, 
for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you 
open it.
%
Windows 95 Beer: A lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's 
wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like 
Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz.  cans, but when you look inside, the 
cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep 
drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say 
they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has 
some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the 
manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
%
Windows Airlines:
The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants all very attractive, the
pilots very capable. The fleet of Learjets the carrier operates is immense.
Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000
feet it explodes without warning.
%
Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the 
truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger 
refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the 
company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's --
after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" 
beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
%
Wings of OS/400: 
The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes
that ever flew, and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if
they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need,
though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour,
unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and
membership in the frequent flyer club. Then they cost $500, but your
accounting department can call it overhead.
%
With your bare hands?!?
%
Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
%
Work continues in this area.
		-- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
%
Worthless.
		-- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
		   (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
		   Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
		   "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
		   15, 1842.
%
Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
%
Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity.  Their conviction results
from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
and new schisms among believers.  In the 16th century the printed book helped
make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants.  In the 20th
century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded.  Each cult
holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other.  Each thinks that it
is itself the one hope for salvation.
		-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
%
Writing software is more fun than working.
%
X windows:
	Accept any substitute.
	If it's broke, don't fix it.
	If it ain't broke, fix it.
	Form follows malfunction.
	The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
	The trailing edge of software technology.
	Armageddon never looked so good.
	Japan's secret weapon.
	You'll envy the dead.
	Making the world safe for competing window systems.
	Let it get in YOUR way.
	The problem for your problem.
	If it starts working, we'll fix it.  Pronto.
	It could be worse, but it'll take time.
	Simplicity made complex.
	The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
	Flakey and built to stay that way.

One thousand monkeys.  One thousand MicroVAXes.  One thousand years.
	X windows.
%
X windows:
	It's not how slow you make it.  It's how you make it slow.
	The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
	Built to take on the world... and lose!
	Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
	Power tools for Power Fools.
	Putting new limits on productivity.
	The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
	Design by counterexample.
	A new level of software disintegration.
	No hardware is safe.
	Do your time.
	Rationalization, not realization.
	Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
	Gratuitous incompatibility.
	Your mother.
	THE user interference management system.
	You can't argue with failure.
	You haven't died 'til you've used it.

The environment of today... tomorrow!
	X windows.
%
X windows:
	Something you can be ashamed of.
	30% more entropy than the leading window system.
	The first fully modular software disaster.
	Rome was destroyed in a day.
	Warn your friends about it.
	Climbing to new depths.  Sinking to new heights.
	An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
	Don't wait for the movie.
	Never use it after a big meal.
	Need we say less?
	Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
	It'll make your day.
	Don't get frustrated without it.
	Power tools for power losers.
	A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
	Never had it.  Never will.
	The software with no visible means of support.
	More than just a generation behind.

Hindenburg.  Titanic.  Edsel.
	X windows.
%
X windows:
	The ultimate bottleneck.
	Flawed beyond belief.
	The only thing you have to fear.
	Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
	On autopilot to oblivion.
	The joke that kills.
	A disgrace you can be proud of.
	A mistake carried out to perfection.
	Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
	To err is X windows.
	Ignorance is our most important resource.
	Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
	Built to fall apart.
	Nullifying centuries of progress.
	Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
	The last thing you need.
	The defacto substandard.

Elevating brain damage to an art form.
	X windows.
%
X windows:
	We will dump no core before its time.
	One good crash deserves another.
	A bad idea whose time has come.  And gone.
	We make excuses.
	It didn't even look good on paper.
	You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
	A new concept in abuser interfaces.
	How can something get so bad, so quickly?
	It could happen to you.
	The art of incompetence.
	You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
	When uselessness just isn't enough.
	More than a mere hindrance.  It's a whole new barrier!
	When you can't afford to be right.
	And you thought we couldn't make it worse.

If it works, it isn't X windows. 
%
X windows:
	You'd better sit down.
	Don't laugh.  It could be YOUR thesis project.
	Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
	Live the nightmare.
	Our bugs run faster.
	When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
	There ARE no rules.
	You'll wish we were kidding.
	Everything you never wanted in a window system.  And more.
	Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
	There's got to be a better way.
	The next best thing to keypunching.
	Leave the thrashing to us.
	We wrote the book on core dumps.
	Even your dog won't like it.
	More than enough rope.
	Garbage at your fingertips.

Incompatibility.  Shoddiness.  Uselessness.
	X windows.
%
"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
their endless search for "one more feature."  Their irritating
unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
		-- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
%
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall fear no
evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic operators together.
		-- Steve Higgins
%
Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars, and Pluto, but not necessarily in
that order.
		-- Jeffrey Honig
%
You are an insult to my intelligence!  I demand that you log off immediately.
%
You are false data.
%
You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
%
You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
%
You are in the hall of the mountain king.
%
You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
%
You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!"  You immediately get
attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyranosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton.  Oh dear, you seem
to have gotten yourself killed, as well.

You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
%
You can be replaced by this computer.
%
You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
		-- Hepler, Systems Design 182
%
You can do this in a number of ways.  IBM chose to do all of them.
Why do you find that funny?
		-- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350
%
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
		-- Alan Perlis
%
You can now buy more gates with less specifications than at any other time
in history.
		-- Kenneth Parker
%
You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
supercomputers.
		-- Steven Feiner
%
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

You can tune a filesystem, but you can't tuna fish.
		-- from the tunefs(8) man page
%
You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
		-- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
%
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
%
"You can't make a program without broken egos."
%
You can't take damsel here now.
%
You do not have mail.
%
You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.
%
You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
%
You had mail.  Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
%
You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
%
You have a message from the operator.
%
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
%
You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--

This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--

You are permanently confused.
		-- Dave Decot
%
You have junk mail.
%
You have mail.
%
You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
%
You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
%
You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if you ask that dog what his
favorite formatter is, and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
%
You might have mail.
%
You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
%
You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
%
You will have a head crash on your private pack.
%
You will have many recoverable tape errors.
%
You will lose an important disk file.
%
You will lose an important tape file.
%
You're already carrying the sphere!
%
You're at Witt's End.
%
You're not Dave.  Who are you?
%
You're using a keyboard!  How quaint!
%
You've been Berkeley'ed!
%
Your code should be more efficient!
%
Your computer account is overdrawn.  Please reauthorize.
%
Your computer account is overdrawn.  Please see Big Brother.
%
Your fault -- core dumped
%
Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
EOF
%
Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
%
Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
%
Your password is pitifully obvious.
%
Your program is sick!  Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
%
"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are
now extinct."
- M. Somerset Maugham
%
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
- Bert Lantz
%
"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity."
- Oscar Wilde
%
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
- Voltaire
%
"IBM uses what I like to call the 'hole-in-the-ground technique' 
to destroy the competition..... IBM digs a big HOLE in the 
ground and covers it with leaves. It then puts a big POT 
OF GOLD nearby. Then it gives the call, 'Hey, look at all 
this gold, get over here fast.' As soon as the competitor 
approaches the pot, he falls into the pit"
- John C. Dvorak
%
"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them"
- Heisenberg
%
"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adapted
to my kind of fooling"
- R. Frost
%
"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!"
- Ben Jonson
%
And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that
cometh out of man, in their sight...Then he [the Lord!] said unto me, Lo, I
have given thee cow's dung for man's dung, and thou shalt prepare thy bread
therewith.
[Ezek. 4:12-15 (KJV)]
%
I have stripped off my dress; must I put it on again?  I have washed my feet;
must I soil them again?
When my beloved slipped his hand through the latch-hole, my bowels stirred
within me [my bowels were moved for him (KJV)].
When I arose to open for my beloved, my hands dripped with myrrh; the liquid
myrrh from my fingers ran over the knobs of the bolt.  With my own hands I
opened to my love, but my love had turned away and gone by; my heart sank when
he turned his back.  I sought him but I did not find him, I called him but he
did not answer.
The watchmen, going the rounds of the city, met me; they struck me and
  wounded me; the watchmen on the walls took away my cloak.
[Song of Solomon 5:3-7 (NEB)]
%
How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince's daughter! the joints of thy
thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman.  Thy navel
is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor:  thy belly is like an heap
of wheat set about with lillies.
Thy two breasts are like two young roses that are twins.
[Song of Solomon 7:1-3 (KJV)]
%
How beautiful, how entrancing you are, my loved one, daughter of delights!
You are stately as a palm-tree, and your breasts are the clusters of dates.
I said, "I will climb up into the palm to grasp its fronds."  May I find your
breast like clusters of grapes on the vine, the scent of your breath like
apricots, and your whispers like spiced wine flowing smoothly to welcome my
caresses, gliding down through lips and teeth.
[Song of Solomon 7:6-9 (NEB)]
%
Wear me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong
as death, passion cruel as the grave; it blazes up like blazing fire, fiercer
than any flame.
[Song of Solomon 8:6 (NEB)]
%
But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to
thee, to speak these words?  Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the
wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?
[2 Kings 18:27 (KJV)]
%
When Yahweh your gods has settled you in the land you're about to occupy, and
driven out many infidels before you...you're to cut them down and exterminate
them.  You're to make no compromise with them or show them any mercy.
[Deut. 7:1 (KJV)]
%
I just thought of something funny...your mother.
- Cheech Marin
%
In the beginning, I was made.  I didn't ask to be made.  No one consulted
with me or considered my feelings in this matter.  But if it brought some
passing fancy to some lowly humans as they haphazardly pranced their way
through life's mournful jungle, then so be it.
- Marvin the Paranoid Android, From Douglas Adams' Hitchiker's Guide to the
Galaxy Radio Scripts
%
You will be successful in your work.
%
The life of a repo man is always intense.
%
If you're not careful, you're going to catch something.
%
That's the thing about people who think they hate computers.  What they
really hate is lousy programmers.
- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
%
Wherever you go...There you are.
- Buckaroo Banzai
%
Life in the state of nature is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.
- Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan
%
Lack of skill dictates economy of style.
- Joey Ramone
%
No one is fit to be trusted with power. ... No one. ... Any man who has lived
at all knows the follies and wickedness he's capabe of. ... And if he does
know it, he knows also that neither he nor any man ought to be allowed to
decide a single human fate.
- C. P. Snow, The Light and the Dark
%
Successful and fortunate crime is called virtue.
- Seneca
%
When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
anyone.  Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge.  Never in the
history of war have so few been led by so many.
- General James Gavin
%
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
- Edmund Burke
%
You may call me by my name, Wirth, or by my value, Worth.
- Nicklaus Wirth
%
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
- Calvin Keegan
%
Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
- Niels Bohr
%
The computer can't tell you the emotional story.  It can give you the exact
mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows.
- Frank Zappa
%
Things are not as simple as they seems at first.
- Edward Thorp
%
The main thing is the play itself.  I swear that greed for money has nothing
to do with it, although heaven knows I am sorely in need of money.
- Feodor Dostoyevsky
%
It is surely a great calamity for a human being to have no obsessions.
- Robert Bly
%
Machines take me by surprise with great frequency.
- Alan Turing
%
Uncertain fortune is thoroughly mastered by the equity of the calculation.
- Blaise Pascal
%
After Goliath's defeat, giants ceased to command respect.
- Freeman Dyson
%
There are two ways of constructing a software design.  One way is to make
it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to
make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
- Charles Anthony Richard Hoare
%
Do not allow this language (Ada) in its present state to be used in
applications where reliability is critical, i.e., nuclear power stations,
cruise missiles, early warning systems, anti-ballistic missle defense
systems.  The next rocket to go astray as a result of a programming language
error may not be an exploratory space rocket on a harmless trip to Venus:
It may be a nuclear warhead exploding over one of our cities.  An unreliable
programming language generating unreliable programs constitutes a far
greater risk to our environment and to our society than unsafe cars, toxic
pesticides, or accidents at nuclear power stations.
- C. A. R. Hoare
%
Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
way he did.  In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
important to him than his table or his white robe.
- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
%
"It was the Law of the Sea, they said.	Civilization ends at the waterline.
Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top."
- Hunter S. Thompson
%
In the pitiful, multipage, connection-boxed form to which the flowchart has
today been elaborated, it has proved to be useless as a design tool --
programmers draw flowcharts after, not before, writing the programs they
describe.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
"airplane-seat" metaphor.  Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers while
seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- one can
see only a very few things at once.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
...when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer has
been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers.  Consider Unix,
APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
...computer hardware progress is so fast.  No other technology since
civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
gain in 30 years.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
Software entities are more complex for their size than perhaps any other human
construct because no two parts are alike.  If they are, we make the two
similar parts into a subroutine -- open or closed.  In this respect, software
systems differ profoundly from computers, buildings, or automobiles, where
repeated elements abound.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
Digital computers are themselves more complex than most things people build:
They hyave very large numbers of states.  This makes conceiving, describing,
and testing them hard.  Software systems have orders-of-magnitude more states
than computers do.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
The complexity of software is an essential property, not an accidental one.
Hence, descriptions of a software entity that abstract away its complexity
often abstract away its essence.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
God is not capricious or arbitrary.  No such faith comforts the software
engineer.
- Fred Brooks, Jr.
%
Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
- Ellyn Mustard
%
The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
and solutions we can imagine is very close.  For this reason restricting
language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
dangerous.
- Bjarne Stroustrup in "The C++ Programming Language"
%
The only way to learn a new programming language is by writing programs in it.
- Brian Kernighan
%
Perfection is acheived only on the point of collapse.
- C. N. Parkinson
%
There you go man,
Keep as cool as you can.
It riles them to believe that you perceive the web they weave.
Keep on being free!
%
Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
and you'll be Gary, Indiana. - Jessie in the movie "Greaser's Palace"
%
Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. - Peanuts
%
Police up your spare rounds and frags.  Don't leave nothin' for the dinks.
- Willem Dafoe in "Platoon"
%
"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific."
-- Jane Wagner
%
"Any medium powerful enough to extend man's reach is powerful enough to topple
his world.  To get the medium's magic to work for one's aims rather than
against them is to attain literacy."
-- Alan Kay, "Computer Software", Scientific American, September 1984
%
"Computer literacy is a contact with the activity of computing deep enough to
make the computational equivalent of reading and writing fluent and enjoyable.
As in all the arts, a romance with the material must be well under way.  If
we value the lifelong learning of arts and letters as a springboard for
personal and societal growth, should any less effort be spent to make computing
a part of our lives?"
-- Alan Kay, "Computer Software", Scientific American, September 1984
%
"The greatest warriors are the ones who fight for peace."
-- Holly Near
%
"No matter where you go, there you are..."
-- Buckaroo Banzai
%
Trespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be prosecuted.
%
Trespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be SHOT AGAIN!
%
"I'm growing older, but not up."
-- Jimmy Buffett
%
Scientists will study your brain to learn more about your distant cousin, Man.
%
"I hate the itching.  But I don't mind the swelling."
-- new buzz phrase, like "Where's the Beef?" that David Letterman's trying
   to get everyone to start saying
%
Your own mileage may vary.
%
"Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again."
-- Marvin The Paranoid Android
%
"Send lawyers, guns and money..."
-- Lyrics from a Warren Zevon song
%
"I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs."
- H. L. Mencken
%
"Remember, Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom;
Wisdom is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty is not love;
Love is not music; Music is the best." -- Frank Zappa
%
I can't drive 55.
%
"And they told us, what they wanted...
 Was a sound that could kill some-one, from a distance." -- Kate Bush
%
"In the face of entropy and nothingness, you kind of have to pretend it's not
there if you want to keep writing good code."  -- Karl Lehenbauer
%
Badges?  We don't need no stinking badges.
%
I can't drive 55.
I'm looking forward to not being able to drive 65, either.
%
Thank God a million billion times you live in Texas.
%
"Can you program?"  "Well, I'm literate, if that's what you mean!"
%
No user-servicable parts inside.  Refer to qualified service personnel.
%
At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
of all ideas, old and new.  This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
nonsense.  Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism:  The collective
enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
field on track.
-- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection," Parade, February 1, 1987
%
One of the saddest lessons of history is this:  If we've been bamboozled
long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle.  We're no
longer interested in finding out the truth.  The bamboozle has captured
us.  it is simply too painful to acknowledge -- even to ourselves -- that
we've been so credulous.  (So the old bamboozles tend to persist as the
new bamboozles rise.)
-- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection," Parade, February 1, 1987
%
Regarding astral projection, Woody Allen once wrote, "This is not a bad way
to travel, although there is usually a half-hour wait for luggage."
%
The inability to benefit from feedback appears to be the primary cause of
pseudoscience.  Pseudoscientists retain their beliefs and ignore or distort
contradictory evidence rather than modify or reject a flawed theory.  Because
of their strong biases, they seem to lack the self-correcting mechanisms
scientists must employ in their work.
-- Thomas L. Creed, "The Skeptical Inquirer," Summer 1987
%
Finding the occasional straw of truth awash in a great ocean of confusion and
bamboozle requires intelligence, vigilance, dedication and courage.  But if we
don't practice these tough habits of thought, we cannot hope to solve the truly
serious problems that face us -- and we risk becoming a nation of suckers, up
for grabs by the next charlatan who comes along.
-- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection," Parade, February 1, 1987
%
Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging.
%
Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging.
Don't have aesthetic convulsions when using them, either.
%
As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
or putatively less buggy.  The replacement of a working component by a new
version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
efficient test cases will usually be available.
- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 
%
Each team building another component has been using the most recent tested
version of the integrated system as a test bed for debugging its piece.  Their
work will be set back by having that test bed change under them.  Of course it
must.  But the changes need to be quantized.  Then each user has periods of
productive stability, interrupted by bursts of test-bed change.  This seems
to be much less disruptive than a constant rippling and trembling.
- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 
%
Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed from one
mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 
%
It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but it
is also very memorable.  I vividly recall the night we decided how to organize
the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360.  The manager of
architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and I were
threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.

The architecture manager had 10 good men.  He asserted that they could write
the specifications and do it right.  It would take ten months, three more
than the schedule allowed.

The control program manager had 150 men.  He asserted that they could prepare
the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating; it would be 
well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.  Futhermore, if
the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling their thumbs
for ten months.

To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control program
team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time, but would
also be three months late, and of much lower quality.  I did, and it was.  He
was right on both counts.  Moreover, the lack of conceptual integrity made
the system far more costly to build and change, and I would estimate that it
added a year to debugging time.
- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" 
%
The reason ESP, for example, is not considered a viable topic in contemoprary
psychology is simply that its investigation has not proven fruitful...After
more than 70 years of study, there still does not exist one example of an ESP
phenomenon that is replicable under controlled conditions.  This simple but
basic scientific criterion has not been met despite dozens of studies conducted
over many decades...It is for this reason alone that the topic is now of little
interest to psychology...In short, there is no demonstrated phenomenon that
needs explanation.
-- Keith E. Stanovich, "How to Think Straight About Psychology", pp. 160-161
%
The evolution of the human race will not be accomplished in the ten thousand
years of tame animals, but in the million years of wild animals, because man
is and will always be a wild animal.
-- Charles Galton Darwin
%
Natural selection won't matter soon, not anywhere as much as concious selection.
We will civilize and alter ourselves to suit our ideas of what we can be.
Within one more human lifespan, we will have changed ourselves unrecognizably.
-- Greg Bear
%
"Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin."
-- Michael O'Donohugh
%
...though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage from
beginning to end. -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
%
"It's like deja vu all over again."   -- Yogi Berra
%
The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
-- Blaise Pascal
%
"Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked.  "Begin at the beginning,"
the King said, gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
%
A morsel of genuine history is a thing so rare as to be always valuable.
-- Thomas Jefferson
%
To be awake is to be alive.  -- Henry David Thoreau, in "Walden"
%
A person with one watch knows what time it is; a person with two watches is
never sure.   Proverb
%
You see but you do not observe.
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, in "The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes"
%
A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party; there is no battle
unless there be two.  -- Seneca
%
Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a proverb is no proverb
to you till your life has illustrated it.  -- John Keats
%
The fancy is indeed no other than a mode of memory emancipated from the order
of space and time.  -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
%
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.
-- Bengamin Disraeli
%
Nothing in progression can rest on its original plan.  We may as well think of
rocking a grown man in the cradle of an infant.  -- Edmund Burke
%
For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong.
-- H. L. Mencken
%
Don't tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done.
-- James J. Ling
%
One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
a rivalry of aim.  -- Henry Brook Adams
%
Remember thee
Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
In this distracted globe.  Remember thee!
Yea, from the table of my memory
I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
That youth and observation copied there.
Hamlet, I : v : 95   William Shakespeare
%
Obviously, a man's judgement cannot be better than the information on which he
has based it.  Give him the truth and he may still go wrong when he has
the chance to be right, but give him no news or present him only with distorted
and incomplete data, with ignorant, sloppy or biased reporting, with propaganda
and deliberate falsehoods, and you destroy his whole reasoning processes, and
make him something less than a man.
-- Arthur Hays Sulzberger
%
Each honest calling, each walk of life, has its own elite, its own aristocracy
based on excellence of performance.  -- James Bryant Conant
%
You can observe a lot just by watching.  -- Yogi Berra
%
If the presence of electricity can be made visible in any part of a circuit, I
see no reason why intelligence may not be transmitted instantaneously by
electricity.  -- Samuel F. B. Morse
%
"Mr. Watson, come here, I want you."   -- Alexander Graham Bell
%
It's currently a problem of access to gigabits through punybaud.
-- J. C. R. Licklider
%
It is important to note that probably no large operating system using current
design technology can withstand a determined and well-coordinated attack,
and that most such documented penetrations have been remarkably easy.
-- B. Hebbard, "A Penetration Analysis of the Michigan Terminal System",
Operating Systems Review, Vol. 14, No. 1, June 1980, pp. 7-20
%
A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
-- Ramsey Clark
%
The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
knowledge of its ugly side.  -- James Baldwin
%
Small is beautiful.
%
...the increased productivity fostered by a friendly environment and quality
tools is essential to meet ever increasing demands for software.
-- M. D. McIlroy, E. N. Pinson and B. A. Tague
%
It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river.
-- Abraham Lincoln
%
Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
-- Jean Cocteau
%
Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
rate as computers and over the same period:  how much cheaper and more efficient
would the current models be?  If you have not already heard the analogy, the
answer is shattering.  Today you would be able to buy a Rolls-Royce for $2.75,
it would do three million miles to the gallon, and it would deliver enough
power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II.  And if you were interested in
miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on a pinhead.
-- Christopher Evans
%
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
-- Robert Lucky
%
Get hold of portable property.  -- Charles Dickens, "Great Expectations"
%
Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
complementary directions:  to reduce the number of software errors through
rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the
remaining errors by providing for recovery from them.  An interesting footnote
to this design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be
the result of two program errors:  the first, in the program that started the
problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
system.  -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage Operating
Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal,
Vol. 12, No. 4, 1973, pp. 382-400
%
I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
Calculating Engines.  I have also declined several offers of great personal
advantage to myself.  But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and after
expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government of
England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only commenced,
I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even the offer
of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the reach of men
who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...  

If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were a mere
triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the execution
of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some justification
might be found for the course which has been taken; but I venture to assert
that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will ever publicly express
an opinion that such a machine would be useless if made, and that no man
distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to declare the construction of
such machinery impracticable...

And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed by that
exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its advancement,
which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I think the 
application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse
calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
be economized by the aid of machinery.
- Charles Babbage, Passage from the Life of a Philosopher
%
How many hardware guys does it take to change a light bulb?

"Well the diagnostics say it's fine buddy, so it's a software problem."
%
"Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes.  I get stranger things than you free
with my breakfast cereal."
- Zaphod Beeblebrox in "Hithiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Uncompensated overtime?  Just Say No.
%
Decaffeinated coffee?  Just Say No.
%
"Show business is just like high school, except you get paid."
- Martin Mull
%
"This isn't brain surgery; it's just television."
- David Letterman
%
"Morality is one thing.  Ratings are everything."
- A Network 23 executive on "Max Headroom"
%
Live free or die.
%
"...if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
 this would be a better world."  - Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
%
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.  Inside of a dog, it is too
dark to read.
%
"Probably the best operating system in the world is the [operating system]
 made for the PDP-11 by Bell Laboratories." - Ted Nelson, October 1977
%
"All these black people are screwing up my democracy." - Ian Smith
%
Use the Force, Luke.
%
I've got a bad feeling about this.
%
The power to destroy a planet is insignificant when compared to the power of
the Force.
- Darth Vader
%
When I left you, I was but the pupil.  Now, I am the master.
- Darth Vader
%
"Well, well, well!  Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
poison!  How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil?  Come
and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
%
"There was nothing I hated more than to see a filthy old drunkie, a howling
away at the sons of his father and going blurp blurp in between as if it were
a filthy old orchestra in his stinking rotten guts.  I could never stand to
see anyone like that, especially when they were old like this one was."
- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
%
186,000 Miles per Second.  It's not just a good idea.  IT'S THE LAW.
%
Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward.
%
Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
%
Children begin by loving their parents.  After a time they judge them.  Rarely,
if ever, do they forgive them.
- Oscar Wilde
%
Single tasking: Just Say No.
%
"Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world."
- The Beach Boys
%
"Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
seemed to come from Texas."
- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
%
"I think trash is the most important manifestation of culture we have in my
lifetime."
- Johnny Legend
%
By one count there are some 700 scientists with respectable academic credentials
(out of a total of 480,000 U.S. earth and life scientists) who give credence
to creation-science, the general theory that complex life forms did not evolve
but appeared "abruptly."
- Newsweek, June 29, 1987, pg. 23
%
Even if you can deceive people about a product through misleading statements,
sooner or later the product will speak for itself.
- Hajime Karatsu
%
In order to succeed in any enterprise, one must be persistent and patient.
Even if one has to run some risks, one must be brave and strong enough to
meet and overcome vexing challenges to maintain a successful business in
the long run.  I cannot help saying that Americans lack this necessary 
challenging spirit today.
- Hajime Karatsu
%
Memories of you remind me of you.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
Life.  Don't talk to me about life.
- Marvin the Paranoid Anroid
%
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
%
The world is coming to an end--save your buffers!
%
grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
%
It is your destiny.
- Darth Vader
%
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at
your side.
- Han Solo
%
How many QA engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

3: 1 to screw it in and 2 to say "I told you so" when it doesn't work.
%
How many NASA managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

"That's a known problem... don't worry about it."
%
To be is to program.
%
To program is to be.
%
I program, therefore I am.
%
People are very flexible and learn to adjust to strange
surroundings -- they can become accustomed to read Lisp and
Fortran programs, for example.
- Leon Sterling and Ehud Shapiro, Art of Prolog, MIT Press
%
"I am your density."
  -- George McFly in "Back to the Future"
%
"So why don't you make like a tree, and get outta here."
  -- Biff in "Back to the Future"
%
"Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in restraint."
-- Dave Sim, author of Cerebrus.
%
The existence of god implies a violation of causality.
%
"I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously."
- Doctor Graper
%
Operating-system software is the program that orchestrates all the basic
functions of a computer.
- The Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, September 15, 1987, page 40
%
I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands,
one nation,
indivisible,
with liberty
and justice for all.
- Francis Bellamy, 1892
%
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his 
ears.  I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
-- Steven Wright
%
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo of
the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
 -- Steven Wright
%
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
-- Steven Wright
%
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and
4 people died.
-- Steven Wright
%
You know that feeling when you're leaning back on a stool and it starts to tip 
over?  Well, that's how I feel all the time.
-- Steven Wright
%
I came home the other night and tried to open the door with my car keys...and 
the building started up.  So I took it out for a drive.  A cop pulled me over 
for speeding.  He asked me where I live... "Right here".
-- Steven Wright
%
"Live or die, I'll make a million."
-- Reebus Kneebus, before his jump to the center of the earth, Firesign Theater
%
The typical page layout program is nothing more than an electronic
light table for cutting and pasting documents.
%
There are bugs and then there are bugs.  And then there are bugs.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
My computer can beat up your computer.
- Karl Lehenbauer
%
Kill Ugly Processor Architectures
- Karl Lehenbauer
%
Kill Ugly Radio
- Frank Zappa
%
"Just Say No."   - Nancy Reagan

"No."            - Ronald Reagan
%
I believe that part of what propels science is the thirst for wonder.  It's a
very powerful emotion.  All children feel it.  In a first grade classroom
everybody feels it; in a twelfth grade classroom almost nobody feels it, or
at least acknowledges it.  Something happens between first and twelfth grade,
and it's not just puberty.  Not only do the schools and the media not teach
much skepticism, there is also little encouragement of this stirring sense
of wonder.  Science and pseudoscience both arouse that feeling.  Poor
popularizations of science establish an ecological niche for pseudoscience.
- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87
%
If science were explained to the average person in a way that is accessible
and exciting, there would be no room for pseudoscience.  But there is a kind
of Gresham's Law by which in popular culture the bad science drives out the
good.  And for this I think we have to blame, first, the scientific community
ourselves for not doing a better job of popularizing science, and second, the
media, which are in this respect almost uniformly dreadful.  Every newspaper
in America has a daily astrology column.  How many have even a weekly
astronomy column?  And I believe it is also the fault of the educational
system.  We do not teach how to think.  This is a very serious failure that
may even, in a world rigged with 60,000 nuclear weapons, compromise the human
future.
- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87
%
"I maintain there is much more wonder in science than in pseudoscience.  And
in addition, to whatever measure this term has any meaning, science has the
additional virtue, and it is not an inconsiderable one, of being true.
- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87
%
I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
gence?"  I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
and use the word *billions*, and so on.  And then I say it would be astonishing
to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
yet no compelling evidence for it.  And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
really think?"  I say, "I just told you what I really think."  "Yeah, but 
what's your gut feeling?"  But I try not to think with my gut.  Really, it's
okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87
%
Repel them.  Repel them.  Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
- Indiana University fans' chant for their perennially bad football team
%
If it's working, the diagnostics say it's fine.
If it's not working, the diagnostics say it's fine.
- A proposed addition to rules for realtime programming
%
   It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
completely. . . .Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
man.
- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
%
The characteristic property of hallucinogens, to suspend the boundaries between
the experiencing self and the outer world in an ecstatic, emotional experience,
makes it posible with their help, and after suitable internal and external
perparation...to evoke a mystical experience according to plan, so to speak...
I see the true importance of LSD in the possibility of providing materail aid 
to meditation aimed at the mystical experience of a deeper, comprehensive
reality.  Such a use accords entirely with the essence and working character
of LSD as a sacred drug.
- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
%
I share the belief of many of my contemporaries that the spiritual crisis
pervading all spheres of Western industrial society can be remedied only 
by a change in our world view.  We shall have to shift from the materialistic,
dualistic belief that people and their environment are separate, toward a
new conciousness of an all-encompassing reality, which embraces the 
experiencing ego, a reality in which people feel their oneness with animate 
nature and all of creation.
- Dr. Albert Hoffman
%
Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and related
hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, entails
dangers that must not be underestimated.  Practitioners must take into
account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability to
influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being.  The history
of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that can
ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
for a pleasure drug.  Special internal and external advance preperations
are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful
experience.
- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
%
I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjution
with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
child.
- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
%
In the realm of scientific observation, luck is granted only to those who are
prepared.
- Louis Pasteur
%
core error - bus dumped
%
If imprinted foil seal under cap is broken or missing when purchased, do not 
use.
%
"Come on over here, baby, I want to do a thing with you."
- A Cop, arresting a non-groovy person after the revolution, Firesign Theater
%
"Ahead warp factor 1"
- Captain Kirk
%
   Fiery energy lanced out, but the beams struck an intangible wall between
the Gubru and the rapidly turning Earth ship.

   "Water!" it shrieked as it read the spectral report.  "A barrier of water
vapor!  A civilized race could not have found such a trick in the Library!
A civilized race could not have stooped so low!  A civilized race would not
have..."

   It screamed as the Gubru ship hit a cloud of drifting snowflakes.

- Startide Rising, by David Brin
%
Harrison's Postulate:
	For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
%
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
	The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant;
	the population is growing.
%
Felson's Law:
	To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
	many is research.
%
...Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth.  Most notably I have
ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old.  Well, I
haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected it.
There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between 
prejudice and postjudice.  Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
looked at the facts.  Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards.  Prejudice
is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
mistakes.  Postjudice is not terrible.  You can't be perfect of course; you
may make mistakes also.  But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
have examined the evidence.  In some circles it is even encouraged.
- Carl Sagan, The Burden of Skepticism, Skeptical Enquirer, Vol. 12, pg. 46
%
If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
- Sir Peter Medawar, The Art of the Soluble
%
America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
- Oscar Wilde
%
Unix:  Some say the learning curve is steep, but you only have to climb it once.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
Sometimes, too long is too long.
- Joe Crowe
%
When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one,
an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.
- Edmund Burke
%
Behind all the political rhetoric being hurled at us from abroad, we are 
bringing home one unassailable fact -- [terrorism is] a crime by any civilized
standard, committed against innocent people, away from the scene of political
conflict, and must be dealt with as a crime. . . .
   [I]n our recognition of the nature of terrorism as a crime lies our best hope
of dealing with it. . . .
   [L]et us use the tools that we have.  Let us invoke the cooperation we have
the right to expect around the world, and with that cooperation let us shrink
the dark and dank areas of sanctuary until these cowardly marauders are held
to answer as criminals in an open and public trial for the crimes they have
committed, and receive the punishment they so richly deserve.
- William H. Webster, Director, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 15 Oct 1985
%
"Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst."
- Thomas Paine
%
"I say we take off; nuke the site from orbit.  It's the only way to be sure."
- Corporal Hicks, in "Aliens"
%
"There is nothing so deadly as not to hold up to people the opportunity to
do great and wonderful things, if we wish to stimulate them in an active way."
- Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry
%
"...proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect."
- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in "The History of Manned Space Flight"
%
"Athens built the Acropolis.  Corinth was a commercial city, interested in
purely materialistic things.  Today we admire Athens, visit it, preserve the
old temples, yet we hardly ever set foot in Corinth."
- Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry
%
"Largely because it is so tangible and exciting a program and as such will
serve to keep alive the interest and enthusiasm of the whole spectrum of
society...It is justified because...the program can give a sense of shared
adventure and achievement to the society at large."
- Dr. Colin S. Pittendrigh, in "The History of Manned Space Flight"
%
The challenge of space exploration and particularly of landing men on the moon
represents the greatest challenge which has ever faced the human race.  Even
if there were no clear scientific or other arguments for proceeding with this
task, the whole history of our civilization would still impel men toward the
goal.  In fact, the assembly of the scientific and military with these human
arguments creates such an overwhelming case that in can be ignored only by
those who are blind to the teachings of history, or who wish to suspend the
development of civilization at its moment of greatest opportunity and drama.
- Sir Bernard Lovell, 1962, in "The History of Manned Space Flight"
%
The idea of man leaving this earth and flying to another celestial body and
landing there and stepping out and walking over that body has a fascination
and a driving force that can get the country to a level of energy, ambition,
and will that I do not see in any other undertaking.  I think if we are
honest with ourselves, we must admit that we needed that impetus extremely
strongly.  I sincerely believe that the space program, with its manned
landing on the moon, if wisely executed, will become the spearhead for a
broad front of courageous and energetic activities in all the fields of
endeavour of the human mind - activities which could not be carried out 
except in a mental climate of ambition and confidence which such a spearhead
can give.
- Dr. Martin Schwarzschild, 1962, in "The History of Manned Space Flight"
%
Human society - man in a group - rises out of its lethargy to new levels of
productivity only under the stimulus of deeply inspiring and commonly 
appreciated goals.  A lethargic world serves no cause well; a spirited world
working diligently toward earnestly desired goals provides the means and
the strength toward which many ends can be satisfied...to unparalleled
social accomplishment.
- Dr. Lloyd V. Berkner, in "The History of Manned Space Flight"
%
The vigor of civilized societies is preserved by the widespread sense that high
aims are worth-while.  Vigorous societies harbor a certain extravagance of
objectives, so that men wander beyond the safe provision of personal
gratifications.  All strong interests easily become impersonal, the love of
a good job well done.  There is a sense of harmony about such an accomplishment,
the Peace brought by something worth-while.
- Alfred North Whitehead, 1963, in "The History of Manned Space Flight"
%
I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign itself
to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon...
- Lyndon B. Johnson
%
Life's the same, except for the shoes.
- The Cars
%
Purple hum
Assorted cars
Laser lights, you bring

All to prove
You're on the move
and vanishing
- The Cars
%
Could be you're crossing the fine line
A silly driver kind of...off the wall

You keep it cool when it's t-t-tight
...eyes wide open when you start to fall.
- The Cars
%
Adapt.  Enjoy.  Survive.
%
Were there fewer fools, knaves would starve.
- Anonymous
%
Humanity has the stars in its future, and that future is too important to be
lost under the burden of juvenile folly and ignorant superstition.
- Isaac Asimov
%
And the crowd was stilled.  One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said.  Wide-eyed,
the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
clothes!  He is naked!"
- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
%
"Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
Silly Putty."
-  Dennis Rawlins, astronomer
%
To date, the firm conclusions of Project Blue Book are:
   1. no unidentified flying object reported, investigated and evaluated
      by the Air Force has ever given any indication of threat to our
      national security;
   2. there has been no evidence submitted to or discovered by the Air
      Force that sightings categorized as UNIDENTIFIED represent
      technological developments or principles beyond the range of
      present-day scientific knowledge; and
   3. there has been no evidence indicating that sightings categorized
      as UNIDENTIFIED are extraterrestrial vehicles.
- the summary of Project Blue Book, an Air Force study of UFOs from 1950
  to 1965, as quoted by James Randi in Flim-Flam!
%
Those who believe that they believe in God, but without passion in their
hearts, without anguish in mind, without uncertainty, without doubt,
without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only
in the God idea, not God Himself.
- Miguel de Unamuno, Spanish philosopher and writer
%
Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.
- Kahlil Gibran
%
Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
- Paul Tillich, German theologian and historian
%
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
- Voltaire
%
If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit
in my name at a Swiss Bank.
- Woody Allen
%
I cannot affirm God if I fail to affirm man.  Therefore, I affirm both.
Without a belief in human unity I am hungry and incomplete.  Human unity
is the fulfillment of diversity.  It is the harmony of opposites.  It is
a many-stranded texture, with color and depth.
- Norman Cousins
%
To downgrade the human mind is bad theology.
- C. K. Chesterton
%
...difference of opinion is advantageious in religion.  The several sects
perform the office of a common censor morum over each other.  Is uniformity
attainable?  Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
%
Life is a process, not a principle, a mystery to be lived, not a problem to
be solved.
- Gerard Straub, television producer and author (stolen from Frank Herbert??)
%
So we follow our wandering paths, and the very darkness acts as our guide and
our doubts serve to reassure us.
- Jean-Pierre de Caussade, eighteenth-century Jesuit priest
%
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurence of the
improbable.
- H. L. Mencken
%
And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve?  The judgement of God
upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of 
criminal at the bar of justice.
- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer, misogynist
%
I judge a religion as being good or bad based on whether its adherents
become better people as a result of practicing it.
- Joe Mullally, computer salesman
%
Imitation is the sincerest form of plagarism.
%
"Unibus timeout fatal trap program lost sorry"
- An error message printed by DEC's RSTS operating system for the PDP-11
%
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored
power tools.
%
How many Bavarian Illuminati does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three: one to screw it in, and one to confuse the issue.
%
How long does it take a DEC field service engineer to change a lightbulb?

It depends on how many bad ones he brought with him.
%
It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God.
It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.
- Thomas Jefferson
%
I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
nor by any Church that I know of.  My own mind is my own Church.
- Thomas Paine
%
God requireth not a uniformity of religion.
- Roger Williams
%
The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter.  But we may hope that the
dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
- Thomas Jefferson
%
Let us, then, fellow citizens, unite with one heart and one mind.  Let us
restore to social intercourse that harmony and affection without which
liberty and even life itself are but dreary things.  And let us reflect
that having banished from our land that religious intolerance under which
mankind so long bled, we have yet gained little if we counternance a
political intolerance as despotic, as wicked, and capable of a bitter and
bloody persecutions.
- Thomas Jefferson
%
I do not find in orthodox Christianity one redeeming feature.
- Thomas Jefferson
%
The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity.  Nowhere
in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths,
Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in
Christianity.
- John Adams
%
The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion.  I could
never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
- Abraham Lincoln
%
As to Jesus of Nazareth...I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
divinity.
- Benjamin Franklin
%
I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
gotten the hostages released.  I thank God they were satisfied with the
missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
- Oliver North
%
I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute --
where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishoners for whom
to vote--where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
political preference--and where no man is denied public office merely
because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or the
people who might elect him.
- from John F. Kennedy's address to the Greater Houston Ministerial Association
  September 12, 1960.
%
The truth is that Christian theology, like every other theology, is not only
opposed to the scientific spirit; it is also opposed to all other attempts
at rational thinking.  Not by accident does Genesis 3 make the father of
knowledge a serpent -- slimy, sneaking and abominable.  Since the earliest
days the church as an organization has thrown itself violently against every
effort to liberate the body and mind of man.  It has been, at all times and
everywhere, the habitual and incorrigible defender of bad governments, bad
laws, bad social theories, bad institutions.  It was, for centuries, an
apologist for slavery, as it was the apologist for the divine right of kings.
- H. L. Mencken
%
The notion that science does not concern itself with first causes -- that it
leaves the field to theology or metaphysics, and confines itself to mere 
effects -- this notion has no support in the plain facts.  If it could,
science would explain the origin of life on earth at once--and there is 
every reason to believe that it will do so on some not too remote tomorrow.
To argue that gaps in knowledge which will confront the seeker must be filled,
not by patient inquiry, but by intuition or revelation, is simply to give
ignorance a gratuitous and preposterous dignity....
- H. L. Mencken, 1930
%
The evidence of the emotions, save in cases where it has strong objective
support, is really no evidence at all, for every recognizable emotion has
its opposite, and if one points one way then another points the other way.
Thus the familiar argument that there is an instinctive desire for immortality,
and that this desire proves it to be a fact, becomes puerile when it is
recalled that there is also a powerful and widespread fear of annihilation,
and that this fear, on the same principle proves that there is nothing
beyond the grave.  Such childish "proofs" are typically theological, and
they remain theological even when they are adduced by men who like to 
flatter themselves by believing that they are scientific gents....
- H. L. Mencken
%
There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be 
discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
on his own account.  The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
even highly probable.
- H. L. Mencken, 1930
%
The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
drifting side by side to our common doom.
- Clarence Darrow
%
We're here to give you a computer, not a religion.
- attributed to Bob Pariseau, at the introduction of the Amiga
%
...there can be no public or private virtue unless the foundation of action is
the practice of truth.
- George Jacob Holyoake
%
"If you'll excuse me a minute, I'm going to have a cup of coffee."
- broadcast from Apollo 11's LEM, "Eagle", to Johnson Space Center, Houston
  July 20, 1969, 7:27 P.M.
%
The meek are contesting the will.
%
I'm sick of being trodden on!  The Elder Gods say they can make me a man!
All it costs is my soul!  I'll do it, cuz NOW I'M MAD!!!
- Necronomicomics #1, Jack Herman & Jeff Dee
%
   On Krat's main screen appeared the holo image of a man, and several dolphins.
From the man's shape, Krat could tell it was a female, probably their leader.
   "...stupid creatures unworthy of the name `sophonts.'  Foolish, pre-sentient
upspring of errant masters.  We slip away from all your armed might, laughing
at your clumsiness!  We slip away as we always will, you pathetic creatures.
And now that we have a real head start, you'll never catch us!  What better
proof that the Progenitors favor not you, but us!  What better proof..."
   The taunt went on.  Krat listened, enraged, yet at the same time savoring
the artistry of it.  These men are better than I'd thought.  Their insults
are wordy and overblown, but they have talent.  They deserve honorable, slow
deaths.
- David Brin, Startide Rising
%
"I'm a mean green mother from outer space"
 -- Audrey II, The Little Shop of Horrors
%
Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who
watches over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide
people to follow His precepts -- there is just too much misery and
cruelty for that.  On the other hand, I respect and envy the people 
who get inspiration from their religions.
- Benjamin Spock
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
- Andy Finkel, computer guy
%
Being schizophrenic is better than living alone.
%
NOWPRINT. NOWPRINT. Clemclone, back to the shadows again.
- The Firesign Theater
%
Yes, many primitive people still believe this myth...But in today's technical 
vastness of the future, we can guess that surely things were much different.
- The Firesign Theater
%
...this is an awesome sight.  The entire rebel resistance buried under six
million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
- The Firesign Theater
%
We want to create puppets that pull their own strings.
- Ann Marion
%
I know engineers.  They love to change things.
- Dr. McCoy
%
On our campus the UNIX system has proved to be not only an effective software
tool, but an agent of technical and social change within the University.
- John Lions (U. of Toronto (?))
%
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
- Henry Spencer, University of Toronto Unix hack
%
"You know why there are so few sophisticated computer terrorists in the United
States?  Because your hackers have so much mobility into the establishment.
Here, there is no such mobility.  If you have the slightest bit of intellectual
integrity you cannot support the government.... That's why the best computer 
minds belong to the opposition."
- an anonymous member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity
%
"Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper .... everyone was
eating paper and a policeman was at the door.  Now all you have to do is
bend a disk."
- an anonymous member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, 
  commenting on the benefits of using computers in support of their movement
%
Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain
%
The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.
- Ed Bluestone
%
He's dead, Jim.
%
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
- David Letterman
%
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
- Al Capone
%
The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip objects
into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air due to
levitation.

Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur if the 
character does not have fire resistance.

- README file from the NetHack game
%
Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
- Frank Zappa
%
I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and
tired of being told that ordinary decent people are fed up in this
country with being sick and tired.  I'm certainly not.  But I'm
sick and tired of being told that I am.
- Monty Python
%
"There is no statute of limitations on stupidity."
-- Randomly produced by a computer program called Markov3.
%
There is a time in the tides of men,
Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
On the other hand, don't count on it.
- T. K. Lawson
%
To follow foolish precedents, and wink
With both our eyes, is easier than to think.
- William Cowper
%
It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C. - A.D. 65)
%
One may be able to quibble about the quality of a single experiment, or
about the veracity of a given experimenter, but, taking all the supportive
experiments together, the weight of evidence is so strong as readily to
merit a wise man's reflection.
- Professor William Tiller, parapsychologist, Standford University,
  commenting on psi research
%
Nothing ever becomes real until it is experienced.
- John Keats
%
Your good nature will bring you unbounded happiness.
%
"Our journey toward the stars has progressed swiftly.

In 1926 Robert H. Goddard launched the first liquid-propelled rocket,
achieving an altitude of 41 feet.  In 1962 John Glenn orbited the earth.

In 1969, only 66 years after Orville Wright flew two feet off the ground
for 12 seconds, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and I rocketed to the moon
in Apollo 11."
-- Michael Collins
   Former astronaut and past Director of the National Air and Space Museum
%
Most people exhibit what political scientists call "the conservatism of the
peasantry."  Don't lose what you've got.  Don't change.  Don't take a chance,
because you might end up starving to death.  Play it safe.  Buy just as much
as you need.  Don't waste time.

When  we think about risk, human beings and corporations realize in their
heads that risks are necessary to grow, to survive.  But when it comes down
to keeping good people when the crunch comes, or investing money in
something untried, only the brave reach deep into their pockets and play
the game as it must be played.

- David Lammers, "Yakitori", Electronic Engineering Times, January 18, 1988
%
"We can't schedule an orgy, it might be construed as fighting"
--Stanley Sutton
%
Weekends were made for programming.
- Karl Lehenbauer
%
"Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his 
roars.  Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
the railroad yards."
- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, counsel for the supporters
  of Tennessee's anti-evolution law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
%
...we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
observations and inferences by the thousands.  The earth is billions of
years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
descent.  Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
flat nor at the center of the universe?  Science *has* taught us some
things with confidence!  Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
established as our planet's shape and position.  Our continuing struggle
to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
into doubt.
- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", The Skeptical Inquirer,
  Vol XII No. 2
%
This was the ultimate form of ostentation among technology freaks -- to have
a system so complete and sophisticated that nothing showed; no machines,
no wires, no controls.
- Michael Swanwick, "Vacuum Flowers"
%
Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
and tears.  ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, inspires
us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us sleeplessness,
inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness and acts that are
contrary to habit...
- Hippocrates (c. 460-c. 377 B.C.), The Sacred Disease
%
Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural function
are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the other.  There is
no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the brain now and then and
make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.  Actually, of course, this
is a working assumption only....It is quite conceivable that someday the
assumption will have to be rejected.  But it is important also to see that we
have not reached that day yet: the working assumption is a necessary one and
there is no real evidence opposed to it.  Our failure to solve a problem so
far does not make it insoluble.  One cannot logically be a determinist in
physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
- D. O. Hebb, Organization of Behavior:  A Neuropsychological Theory, 1949
%
Prevalent beliefs that knowledge can be tapped from previous incarnations or
from a "universal mind" (the repository of all past wisdom and creativity)
not only are implausible but also unfairly demean the stunning achievements
of individual human brains.
- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness: Implications for Psi
  Phenomena", The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 163-171
%
... Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
the person making the claim, not the critic.  It is not the responsibility
of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
or colored lights never healed anyone.  The skeptic's role is to point out
claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidcence and to
provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
the accepted body of scientific evidence. ...
- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, pg. 215
%
"Ada is the work of an architect, not a computer scientist."
- Jean Icbiah, inventor of Ada, weenie
%
Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof.  There are many examples of
outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies, but
they prevailed with irrefutable data.  More often, egregious findings that
contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts.  I have
argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic conciousness,"
and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
neuroscience.  Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
offer more plausible alternatives.
- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Conciousness: Implications for Psi
   Phenomena", The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 163-171
%
Evolution is a bankrupt speculative philosophy, not a scientific fact.
Only a spiritually bankrupt society could ever believe it. ... Only
atheists could accept this Satanic theory.
- Rev. Jimmy Swaggart, "The Pre-Adamic Creation and Evolution"
%
Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
the sun.  At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person
can doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact.  That all
present life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic
time, is as firmly established as Copernican cosmology.  Biologists differ
only with respect to theories about how the process operates.
- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life", 
   The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 128-131
%
...It is sad to find him belaboring the science community for its united
opposition to ignorant creationists who want teachers and textbooks to
give equal time to crank arguments that have advanced not a step beyond
the flyblown rhetoric of Bishop Wilberforce and William Jennings Bryan.
- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life", 
   The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 128-131
%
... The book is worth attention for only two reasons:  (1) it attacks
attempts to expose sham paranormal studies; and (2) it is very well and
plausibly written and so rather harder to dismiss or refute by simple
jeering.
- Harry Eagar, reviewing "Beyond the Quantum" by Michael Talbot,
   The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 200-201
%
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hear the sirens in the street
All my dreams are made of chrome
I have no way to get back home
- Tom Waits
%
I am here by the will of the people and I won't leave until I get my raincoat
back.
- a slogan of the anarchists in Richard Kadrey's "Metrophage"
%
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?

Seven:  One to install the new bulb, and six to determine what to do
        with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
%
Mike's Law:
For a lumber company employing two men and a cut-off saw, the
marginal product of labor for any number of additional workers
equals zero until the acquisition of another cut-off saw.
Let's not even consider a chainsaw.
- Mike Dennison
[You could always schedule the saw, though - ed.]
%
As long as we're going to reinvent the wheel again, we might as well try making
it round this time.
- Mike Dennison
%
This conjunction of an immense military establishment and a large arms 
industry is now in the American experience... We must not fail to 
comprehend its grave implications... We must guard against the 
acquisition of unwarranted influence...by the military-industrial
complex.  The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power
exists and will persist.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower, from his farewell address in 1961
%
This restaurant was advertising breakfast any time. So I ordered
french toast in the renaissance.
- Steven Wright, comedian
%
Everyone has a purpose in life.  Perhaps yours is watching television.
- David Letterman
%
A lot of the stuff I do is so minimal, and it's designed to be minimal.
The smallness of it is what's attractive.  It's weird, 'cause it's so
intellectually lame.  It's hard to see me doing that for the rest of
my life.  But at the same time, it's what I do best.
- Chris Elliot, writer and performer on "Late Night with David Letterman"
%
e-credibility: the non-guaranteeable likelihood that the electronic data 
you're seeing is genuine rather than somebody's made-up crap.
- Karl Lehenbauer
%
Whenever people agree with me, I always think I must be wrong.
- Oscar Wilde
%
My mother is a fish.
- William Faulkner
%
The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it
seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the
fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving
after rational knowledge.
- Albert Einstein
%
The more a man is imbued with the ordered regularity of all events, the firmer
becomes his conviction that there is no room left by the side of this ordered
regularity for causes of a different nature.  For him neither the rule of
human nor the rule of divine will exists as an independent cause of natural
events.  To be sure, the doctrine of a personal God interfering with natural
events could never be refuted, in the real sense, by science, for this
doctrine can always take refuge in those domains in which scientific knowledge
has not yet been able to set foot.

But I am persuaded that such behavior on the part of the representatives
of religion would not only be unworthy but also fatal.  For a doctrine which 
is able to maintain itself not in clear light, but only in the dark, will
of necessity lose its effect on mankind, with incalculable harm to human
progress.  In their struggle for the ethical good, teachers of religion
must have the stature to give up the doctrine of a personal God, that is, 
give up that source of fear and hope which in the past placed such vast
powers in the hands of priests.  In their labors they will have to avail
themselves of those forces which are capable of cultivating the Good, the 
True, and the Beautiful in humanity itself.  This is, to be sure, a more
difficult but an incomparably more worthy task.
- Albert Einstein
%
Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
%
Most non-Catholics know that the Catholic schools are rendering a greater
service to our nation than the public schools in which subversive textbooks
have been used, in which Communist-minded teachers have taught, and from
whose classrooms Christ and even God Himself are barred.
- from "Our Sunday Visitor", an American-Catholic newspaper, 1949
%
Those of us who believe in the right of any human being to belong to whatever
church he sees fit, and to worship God in his own way, cannot be accused
of prejudice when we do not want to see public education connected with
religious control of the schools, which are paid for by taxpayers' money.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
%
Spiritual leadership should remain spiritual leadership and the temporal
power should not become too important in any church.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
%
Truth has always been found to promote the best interests of mankind...
- Percy Bysshe Shelley
%
If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
plentiful as blackberries...
- Leslie Stephen (1832-1904), literary essayist, author
%
It is wrong always, everywhere and for everyone to believe anything upon
insufficient evidence.
- W. K. Clifford, British philosopher, circa 1876
%
Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits
that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant?
Is it not a spectacle to make the angels laugh?  We are a company of
ignorant beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only
be incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by
falling into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for 
our daily needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe
the ultimate origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures
to declare that we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map
of our infintesimal parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that
he will be damned to all eternity for his faithlessness...
- Leslie Stephen, "An agnostic's Apology", Fortnightly Review, 1876
%
Till then we shall be content to admit openly, what you (religionists)
whisper under your breath or hide in technical jargon, that the ancient
secret is a secret still; that man knows nothing of the Infinite and
Absolute; and that, knowing nothing, he had better not be dogmatic about
his ignorance.  And, meanwhile, we will endeavour to be as charitable as
possible, and whilst you trumpet forth officially your contempt for our
skepticism, we will at least try to believe that you are imposed upon
by your own bluster.
- Leslie Stephen, "An agnostic's Apology", Fortnightly Review, 1876
%
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
- Voltaire
%
What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity.  We are all formed
of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly --
that is the first law of nature.
- Voltaire
%
It is clear that the individual who persecutes a man, his brother, because
he is not of the same opinion, is a monster.
- Voltaire
%
I simply try to aid in letting the light of historical truth into that
decaying mass of outworn thought which attaches the modern world to
medieval conceptions of Christianity, and which still lingers among us --
a most serious barrier to religion and morals, and a menace to the whole
normal evolution of society.
- Andrew D. White, author, first president of Cornell University, 1896
%
The man scarce lives who is not more credulous than he ought to be.... The
natural disposition is always to believe.  It is acquired wisdom and experience
only that teach incredulity, and they very seldom teach it enough.
- Adam Smith
%
I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of tennis
socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for:  If they think
you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go crude.  I'm a
very technical boy.  So I decided to get as crude as possible.  These days,
though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire to 
crudeness.
- Johnny Mnemonic, by William Gibson
%
However, on religious issures there can be little or no compromise.
There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious
beliefs.  There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than
Jesus Christ, or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being.
But like any powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf
should be used sparingly.  The religious factions that are growing
throughout our land are not using their religious clout with wisdom.
They are trying to force government leaders into following their position
100 percent.  If you disagree with these religious groups on a 
particular moral issue, they complain, they threaten you with a loss of
money or votes or both.  I'm frankly sick and tired of the political
preachers across this country telling me as a citizen that if I want to be
a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and "D."  Just who do
they think they are?  And from where do they presume to claim the 
right to dictate their moral beliefs to me?  And I am even more angry as
a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group who
thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
call in the Senate.  I am warning them today:  I will fight them every
step of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all
Americans in the name of "conservatism."
- Senator Barry Goldwater, from the Congressional Record, September 16, 1981
%
"I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass."
- Senator Barry Goldwater, when asked what he thought of Jerry Falwell's
suggestion that all good Christians should be against Sandra Day O'Connor's
nomination to the Supreme Court
%
...And no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers.  No matter how assured
we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful
inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions.  This is true in religion as
it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the naive.
As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we might be
advised to leave them to heaven.  They will not, unfortunately, do us the
same courtesy.  They attack us and each other, and whatever their 
protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear
that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword.  My own belief in
God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge.  My respect
for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the
most virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth.  But even well-educated Christians
are frustated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure
of Jesus because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record.
Such ambiguity is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every
recognized Bible scholar is perfectly aware of it.  Some Christians, alas,
resort to formal lying to obscure such reality.
- Steve Allen, comdeian, from an essay in the book "The Courage of 
  Conviction", edited by Philip Berman
%
...it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
- Sidney Hook
%
A fanatic is a person who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
- Winston Churchill
%
We're fighting against humanism, we're fighting against liberalism...
we are fighting against all the systems of Satan that are destroying
our nation today...our battle is with Satan himself.
- Jerry Falwell
%
They [preachers] dread the advance of science as witches do the approach
of daylight and scowl on the fatal harbinger announcing the subversions
of the duperies on which they live.
- Thomas Jefferson
%
Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proven innocent.
- George Orwell
%
As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject
of religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction
in the methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless
conversions -- to anything -- less likely.  Brian now realizes this and
has, after eleven years, left the sect he was associated with.  The 
problem is that once the untrained mind has made a formal commitment to
a religious philosophy -- and it does not matter whether that philosophy
is generally reasonable and high-minded or utterly bizarre and 
irrational -- the powers of reason are suprisingly ineffective in 
changing the believer's mind.
- Steve Allen, comdeian, from an essay in the book "The Courage of 
  Conviction", edited by Philip Berman
%
Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more difficult
than to understand him.
- Fyodor Dostoevski
%
We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should
govern their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the
center of their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major
prohpet, nor Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual 
concerns, to say nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get
Christians to agree among themselves about their relationship to God.
But all will agree on a proposition that they possess profound spiritual
resources.  If, in addition, we can get them to accept the further
proposition that whatever form the Deity may have in their own theology,
the Deity is not only external, but internal and acts through them, and
they themselves give proof or disproof of the Deity in what they do and
think; if this further proposition can be accepted, then we come that
much closer to a truly religious situation on earth.
- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
%
The Messiah will come.  There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all
the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated.
- Rabbi Meir Kahane
%
The world is no nursery.
- Sigmund Freud
%
If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any
connection of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of
religious teaching in state-maintained schools, the immediate and
superficial answer is not far to seek....
The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the various
denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that,
if any connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival
denomination would get an unfair advantage.
- John Dewey (1859-1953), American philosopher, 
  from "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
%
Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that
every subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be
submitted to a certain publicity and impartiality.  All proffered 
samples of learning must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to 
common tests.  It is the essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that
any such "show-down" is sacrilegious and perverse.  The characteristic
of religion, from their point of view, is that it is intellectually
secret, not public; peculiarly revealed, not generall known; 
authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested in ordinary 
ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion is
conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists,
there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in
religion in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics
where the method of free inquiry has made its way.  The "religious"
would be the last to be willing that either the history of the
content of religion should be taught in this spirit; while those
to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely a technical device,
but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must protest against
its being taught in any other spirit.
- John Dewey (1859-1953), American philosopher, 
  from "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
%
In the broad and final sense all institutions are educational in the
sense that they operate to form the attitudes, dispositions, abilities
and disabilities that constitute a concrete personality...Whether this
educative process is carried on in a predominantly democratic or non-
democratic way becomes, therefore, a question of transcendent importance
not only for education itself but for its final effect upon all the
interests and activites of a society that is committed to the democratic
way of life.
- John Dewey (1859-1953), American philosopher
%
History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts
them asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing
grub, at intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another...
Truly the imago state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every
moult is a step gained.
- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
%
...I would go so far as to suggest that, were it not for our ego and 
concern to be different, the African apes would be included in our 
family, the Hominidae.
- Richard Leakey
%
It is inconceivable that a judicious observer from another solar system
would see in our species -- which has tended to be cruel, destructive,
wasteful, and irrational -- the crown and apex of cosmic evolution.
Viewing us as the culmination of *anything* is grotesque; viewing us
as a transitional species makes more sense -- and gives us more hope.
- Betty McCollister, "Our Transitional Species", 
  Free Inquiry magazine, Vol. 8, No. 1
%
"Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature.  It's a piss-poor
reptile and not very much of a bird."
- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a zoologist who has
studied the archeopteryz and found it "very much like people"
%
"You need tender loving care once a week - so that I can slap you into shape."
- Ellyn Mustard
%
"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to
 create him."
 -Arthur C. Clarke
%
"Why should we subsidize intellectual curiosity?"
 -Ronald Reagan
%
"There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things 
 we don't know yet."
 -Ambrose Bierce
%
"Plan to throw one away.  You will anyway."
- Fred Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
%
You need tender loving care once a week - so that I can slap you into shape.
- Ellyn Mustard
%
"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to
 create him."
 -Arthur C. Clarke
%
"Why should we subsidize intellectual curiosity?"
 -Ronald Reagan
%
"There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things 
 we don't know yet."
 -Ambrose Bierce
%
The Middle East is certainly the nexus of turmoil for a long time to come --
with shifting players, but the same game: upheaval.  I think we will be
confronting militant Islam -- particularly fallout from the Iranian
revolution -- and religion will once more, as it has in our own more
distant past -- play a role at least as standard-bearer in death and mayhem.
- Bobby R. Inman, Admiral, USN, Retired, former director of Naval Intelligence,
  vice director of the DIA, former director of the NSA, deputy director of
  Central Intelligence, former chairman and CEO of MCC.
%
...One thing is that, unlike any other Western democracy that I know of,
this country has operated since its beginnings with a basic distrust of 
government.  We are constituted not for efficient operation of government,
but for minimizing the possibility of abuse of power.  It took the events
of the Roosevelt era -- a catastrophic economic collapse and a world war --
to introduce the strong central government that we now know.  But in most
parts of the country today, the reluctance to have government is still
strong.  I think, barring a series of catastrophic events, that we can
look to at least another decade during which many of the big problems
around this country will have to be addressed by institutions other than
federal government.
- Bobby R. Inman, Admiral, USN, Retired, former director of Naval Intelligence,
  vice director of the DIA, former director of the NSA, deputy directory of
  Central Intelligence, former chairman and CEO of MCC.
[the statist opinions expressed herein are not those of the cookie editor -ed.]
%
"I have just one word for you, my boy...plastics."
- from "The Graduate"
%
"There is such a fine line between genius and stupidity."
- David St. Hubbins, "Spinal Tap"
%
"If Diet Coke did not exist it would have been neccessary to invent it."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
I am approached with the most opposite opinions and advice, and by men who
are equally certain that they represent the divine will.  I am sure that
either the one or the other is mistaken in the belief, and perhaps in some
respects, both.

I hope it will not be irreverent of me to say that if it is probable that
God would reveal his will to others on a point so connected with my duty,
it might be supposed he would reveal it directly to me.
- Abraham Lincoln
%
In space, no one can hear you fart.
%
Brain damage is all in your head.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
Wish and hope succeed in discerning signs of paranormality where reason and
careful scientific procedure fail.
- James E. Alcock, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12
%
"It is better to have tried and failed than to have failed to try, but
the result's the same."
- Mike Dennison
%
"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple
and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and
because good teachers understand exactly why it is false.  What could be
more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our
entire intellectualy heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment
to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any
general understanding of science as an enterprise?
-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer", Vol. 12, page 186
%
It is not well to be thought of as one who meekly submits to insolence and
intimidation.
%
"Regardless of the legal speed limit, your Buick must be operated at
speeds faster than 85 MPH (140kph)."
-- 1987 Buick Grand National owners manual.
%
"Your attitude determines your attitude."
-- Zig Ziglar, self-improvement doofus
%
In arguing that current theories of brain function cast suspicion on ESP,
psychokinesis, reincarnation, and so on, I am frequently challenged with
the most popular of all neuro-mythologies -- the notion that we ordinarily
use only 10 percent of our brains...

This "cerebral spare tire" concept continues to nourish the clientele of
"pop psychologists" and their many recycling self-improvement schemes.  As
a metaphor for the fact that few of us fully exploit our talents, who could
deny it?  As a refuge for occultists seeking a neural basis of the miraculous,
it leaves much to be desired.
-- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Conciousness:  Implications for
   Psi Phenomena", The Skeptical Enquirer, Vol. XII, No. 2, pg. 171
%
Thufir's a Harkonnen now.
%
"By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun."
-- P. J. Plauger, from his April Fool's column in April 88's "Computer Language"
%
"If you want to eat hippopatomus, you've got to pay the freight."
-- attributed to an IBM guy, about why IBM software uses so much memory
%
Parkinson's Law:  Work expands to fill the time alloted it.
%
Karl's version of Parkinson's Law:  Work expands to exceed the time alloted it.
%
It is better to never have tried anything than to have tried something and
failed.
- motto of jerks, weenies and losers everywhere
%
"Our journeys to the stars will be made on spaceships created by determined,
hardworking scientists and engineers applying the principles of science, not
aboard flying saucers piloted by little gray aliens from some other dimension."
-- Robert A. Baker, "The Aliens Among Us:  Hypnotic Regression Revisited",
   The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, No. 2
%
"...all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned products,
if they are built at all, are dogs!"
-- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", MIT Press, 1987
%
"To take a significant step forward, you must make a series of finite 
improvements."
-- Donald J. Atwood, General Motors
%
"We will bury you."
-- Nikita Kruschev
%
"Now here's something you're really going to like!"
-- Rocket J. Squirrel
%
"How to make a million dollars:  First, get a million dollars."
-- Steve Martin
%
"Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about."
-- B. L. Whorf
%
The language provides a programmer with a set of conceptual tools; if these are
inadequate for the task, they will simply be ignored.  For example, seriously
restricting the concept of a pointer simply forces the programmer to use a
vector plus integer arithmetic to implement structures, pointer, etc.  Good
design and the absence of errors cannot be guaranteed by mere language
features.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup, "The C++ Programming Language"
%
"For the love of phlegm...a stupid wall of death rays.  How tacky can ya get?"
- Post Brothers comics
%
"Bureaucracy is the enemy of innovation."
-- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments
%
"An organization dries up if you don't challenge it with growth."
-- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments
%
"I've seen it.  It's rubbish."
-- Marvin the Paranoid Android
%
Our business is run on trust.  We trust you will pay in advance.
%
"Infidels in all ages have battled for the rights of man, and have at all times
been the fearless advocates of liberty and justice."
-- Robert Green Ingersoll
%
The history of the rise of Christianity has everything to do with politics,
culture, and human frailties and nothing to do with supernatural manipulation
of events.  Had divine intervention been the guiding force, surely two
millennia after the birth of Jesus he would not have a world where there
are more Muslims than Catholics, more Hindus than Protestants, and more
nontheists than Catholics and Protestants combined.
-- John K. Naland, "The First Easter", Free Inquiry magazine, Vol. 8, No. 2
%
I find you lack of faith in the forth dithturbing.
- Darse ("Darth") Vader
%
"All Bibles are man-made."
-- Thomas Edison
%
"Spock, did you see the looks on their faces?"
"Yes, Captain, a sort of vacant contentment."
%
"The triumph of libertarian anarchy is nearly (in historical terms) at
hand... *if* we can keep the Left from selling us into slavery and the
Right from blowing us up for, say, the next twenty years."
-- Eric Rayman, usenet guy, about nanotechnology
%
"Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love."
-- Albert Einstein
%
"I think Michael is like litmus paper - he's always trying to learn."
-- Elizabeth Taylor, absurd non-sequitir about Michael Jackson
%
While it cannot be proved retrospectively that any experience of possession,
conversion, revelation, or divine ecstasy was merely an epileptic discharge,
we must ask how one differentiates "real transcendence" from neuropathies
that produce the same extreme realness, profundity, ineffability, and sense
of cosmic unity.  When accounts of sudden religious conversions in TLEs
[temporal-lobe epileptics] are laid alongside the epiphanous revelations of
the religious tradition, the parallels are striking.  The same is true of the
recent spate of alleged UFO abductees.  Parsimony alone argues against invoking
spirits, demons, or extraterrestrials when natural causes will suffice.
-- Barry L. Beyerstein, "Neuropathology and the Legacy of Spiritual 
   Possession", The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, No. 3, pg. 255
%
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on."
- Samuel Goldwyn
%
"We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement."
-- Richard J. Daley
%
"With molasses you catch flies, with vinegar you catch nobody."
-- Baltimore City Councilman Dominic DiPietro
%
"Lead us in a few words of silent prayer."
-- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach
%
"I couldn't remember things until I took that Sam Carnegie course."
-- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach
%
"Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head
is concerned."
-- Baseball pitcher Bo Belinsky
%
"Ninety percent of baseball is half mental."
-- Yogi Berra
%
Two things are certain about science.  It does not stand still for long,
and it is never boring.  Oh, among some poor souls, including even
intellectuals in fields of high scholarship, science is frequently
misperceived.  Many see it as only a body of facts, promulgated from
on high in must, unintelligible textbooks, a collection of unchanging
precepts defended with authoritarian vigor.  Others view it as nothing
but a cold, dry narrow, plodding, rule-bound process -- the scientific
method: hidebound, linear, and left brained.

These people are the victims of their own stereotypes.  They are
destined to view the world of science with a set of blinders.  They
know nothing of the tumult, cacophony, rambunctiousness, and 
tendentiousness of the actual scientific process, let alone the 
creativity, passion, and joy of discovery.  And they are likely to
know little of the continual procession of new insights and discoveries
that every day, in some way, change our view (if not theirs) of the
natural world.

-- Kendrick Frazier, "The Year in Science: An Overview," in
   1988 Yearbook of Science and the Future, Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc.
%
"jackpot:  you may have an unneccessary change record"
-- message from "diff"
%
"One lawyer can steal more than a hundred men with guns."
-- The Godfather
%
What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used car salesman?

A used car salesman knows when he's lying.
%
"Those who will be able to conquer software will be able to conquer the
world."
-- Tadahiro Sekimoto, president, NEC Corp.
%
"There are some good people in it, but the orchestra as a whole is equivalent
to a gang bent on destruction."
-- John Cage, composer
%
"I believe the use of noise to make music will increase until we reach a
music produced through the aid of electrical instruments which will make
available for musical purposes any and all sounds that can be heard."
-- composer John Cage, 1937
%
I did cancel one performance in Holland where they thought my music was so easy
that they didn't rehearse at all.  And so the first time when I found that out,
I rehearsed the orchestra myself in front of the audience of 3,000 people and
the next day I rehearsed through the second movement -- this was the piece
_Cheap Imitation_ -- and they then were ashamed.  The Dutch people were ashamed
and they invited me to come to the Holland festival and they promised to
rehearse.  And when I got to Amsterdam they had changed the orchestra, and
again, they hadn't rehearsed.  So they were no more prepared the second time
than they had been the first.  I gave them a lecture and told them to cancel
the performance; they then said over the radio that i had insisted on their
cancelling the performance because they were "insufficiently Zen."  
Can you believe it?
-- composer John Cage, "Electronic Musician" magazine, March 88, pg. 89
%
"One day I woke up and discovered that I was in love with tripe."
-- Tom Anderson
%
"Most people would like to be delivered from
 temptation but would like it to keep in touch."
-- Robert Orben
%
The rule on staying alive as a program manager is to give 'em a number or 
give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
%
An optimist believes we live in the best world possible; 
a pessimist fears this is true.
%
"If John Madden steps outside on February 2, looks down, and doesn't see his 
feet, we'll have 6 more weeks of Pro football."
-- Chuck Newcombe
%
Dead?	No excuse for laying off work.
%
Lead me not into temptation... I can find it myself.
%
"When people are least sure, they are often most dogmatic."
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
"Nature is very un-American.  Nature never hurries."
-- William George Jordan
%
"We learn from history that we learn nothing from history."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
"Flattery is all right -- if you don't inhale."
-- Adlai Stevenson
%
"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago."
-- Bernard Berenson
%
"Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings.	 The expectations are always 
high, and the results usually disappointing."
-- Robert Orben
%
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging 
their prejudices."
-- William James
%
"Tell the truth and run."
-- Yugoslav proverb
%
"The best index to a person's character is a) how he treats people who can't 
do him any good and b) how he treats people who can't fight back."
-- Abigail Van Buren
%
"Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning."
-- Marlo Thomas
%
"Life is a garment we continuously alter, but which never seems to fit."
-- David McCord
%
"The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children 
produce adults."
-- Peter De Vries
%
"It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them."
-- Alfred Adler
%
"Security is mostly a superstition.  It does not exist in nature... Life is 
either a daring adventure or nothing."
-- Helen Keller
%
"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is 
shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods."
-- Albert Einstein
%
"Success covers a multitude of blunders."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
"The mark of an immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while 
the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one."
-- William Stekel
%
"Yes, and I feel bad about rendering their useless carci into dogfood..."
-- Badger comics
%
"Is it really you, Fuzz, or is it Memorex, or is it radiation sickness?" 
-- Sonic Disruptors comics
%
"Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up reasons 
for it afterwards."
-- Soren F. Petersen
%
"You're a creature of the night, Michael.  Wait'll Mom hears about this."
-- from the movie "The Lost Boys"
%
"Plastic gun.  Ingenious.  More coffee, please."
-- The Phantom comics
%
The game of life is a game of boomerangs.  Our thoughts, deeds and words 
return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy.
%
If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average.
%
"A child is a person who can't understand why someone would give away a 
perfectly good kitten."
-- Doug Larson
%
"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody 
appreciates how difficult it was."
-- Walt West
%
"Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone."
-- G. B. Stearn
%
"In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with 
the current."
-- Thomas Jefferson
%
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to 
the left.
%
"But this one goes to eleven."
-- Nigel Tufnel
%
"Been through Hell?  Whaddya bring back for me?"
-- A. Brilliant
%
"I don't know what their
 gripe is.  A critic is
 simply someone paid to
 render opinions glibly."
			     "Critics are grinks and
			      groinks." 
-- Baron and Badger, from Badger comics
%
"I've got some amyls.  We could either party later or, like, start his heart."
-- "Cheech and Chong's Next Movie"
%
"Israel today announced that it is giving up.  The Zionist state will dissolve 
in two weeks time, and its citizens will disperse to various resort communities
around the world.  Said Prime Minister Yitzhak Shamir, 'Who needs the 
aggravation?'"
-- Dennis Miller, "Satuday Night Live" News
%
"And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead 
by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business 
product: a really sharp-looking report."
-- Dave Barry
%
SHOP OR DIE, people of Earth!
[offer void where prohibited]
-- Capitalists from outer space, from Justice League Int'l comics
%
"Roman Polanski makes his own blood.  He's smart -- that's why his movies work."
-- A brilliant director at "Frank's Place"
%
"The following is not for the weak of heart or Fundamentalists."
-- Dave Barry
%
"I take Him shopping with me. I say, 'OK, Jesus, help me find a bargain'" 
--Tammy Faye Bakker
%
Gary Hart:  living proof that you *can* screw your brains out.
%
Blessed be those who initiate lively discussions with the hopelessly mute,
for they shall be know as Dentists.
%
"I don't believe in sweeping social change being manifested by one person, 
unless he has an atomic weapon."
-- Howard Chaykin
%
"Ever free-climbed a thousand foot vertical cliff with 60 pounds of gear 
strapped to your butt?"
   "No."
"'Course you haven't, you fruit-loop little geek."
-- The Mountain Man, one of Dana Carvey's SNL characters
[ditto]
%
"I mean, like, I just read your article in the Yale law recipe, on search and
seizure.  Man, that was really Out There."
   "I was so WRECKED when I wrote that..."
-- John Lovitz, as ex-Supreme Court nominee Alan Ginsburg, on SNL
%
"Hi, I'm Professor Alan Ginsburg... But you can call me... Captain Toke."
-- John Lovitz, as ex-Supreme Court nominee Alan Ginsburg, on SNL
%
It's great to be smart 'cause then you know stuff.
%
"Time is money and money can't buy you love and I love your outfit"
- T.H.U.N.D.E.R. #1
%
"Can't you just gesture hypnotically and make him disappear?"
    "It does not work that way.  RUN!"
-- Hadji on metaphyics and Mandrake in "Johnny Quest"
%
"You shouldn't make my toaster angry."
-- Household security explained in "Johnny Quest"
%
 "Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him tastefully."
-- Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse
%
"And kids... learn something from Susie and Eddie.
 If you think there's a maniacal psycho-geek in the
 basement:
    1)	Don't give him a chance to hit you on the
	head with an axe!
    2)	Flee the premises... even if you're in your
	underwear.
    3)	Warn the neighbors and call the police.
 But whatever else you do... DON'T GO DOWN IN THE DAMN BASEMENT!"
-- Saturday Night Live meets Friday the 13th
%
Victory or defeat!
%
"Everyone is entitled to an *informed* opinion."
-- Harlan Ellison
%
"It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse!  This gun is so futuristic that even 
*I* don't know how it works!"
-- from Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse
%
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
-- George Carlin
%
A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem.
%
   "Daddy, Daddy, make
    Santa Claus go away!"
		       "I can't, son;
			he's grown too
			powerful."
				     "HO HO HO!"
-- Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre
%
"If it's not loud, it doesn't work!"
-- Blank Reg, from "Max Headroom"
%
"Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure that you're the 
one holding it"
-- Captain Combat
%
Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.   -- David Letterman
%
Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.   -- David Letterman
%
Delta: The kids will love our inflatable slides.    -- David Letterman
%
Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.    -- David Letterman
%
"Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is 
good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
"Hello again, Peabody here..."
-- Mister Peabody
%
"It's the best thing since professional golfers on 'ludes."
-- Rick Obidiah
%
"To your left is the marina where several senior cabinet officials keep luxury 
yachts for weekend cruises on the Potomac.  Some of these ships are up to 100 
feet in length; the Presidential yacht is over 200 feet in length, and can 
remain submerged for up to 3 weeks."
-- Garrison Keillor
%
"Well, social relevance is a schtick, like mysteries, social relevance, 
science fiction..."
-- Art Spiegelman
%
"One of the problems I've always had with propaganda pamphlets is that they're 
real boring to look at.  They're just badly designed.  People from the left
often are very well-intended, but they never had time to take basic design 
classes, you know?"
-- Art Spiegelman
%
"If you took everyone who's ever been to a Dead
 show, and lined them up, they'd stretch halfway to
 the moon and back... and none of them would be
 complaining."
-- a local Deadhead in the Seattle Times
%
"And remember: Evil will always prevail, because Good is dumb."
-- Spaceballs
%
Why are many scientists using lawyers for medical
experiments instead of rats?

	a)  There are more lawyers than rats.
	b)  The scientist's don't become as
 	    emotionally attached to them.
	c)  There are some things that even rats 
	    won't do for money.
%
	"During the race
	 We may eat your dust,
	 But when you graduate,
	 You'll work for us."
	-- Reed College cheer
%
Pohl's law: 
	 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
%
Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the 
splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope,
for it balks at pig.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand."
-- James Watt
%
"I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this
 country what it once was... an arctic wilderness."
-- Steve Martin
%
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
-- Woody Allen
%
Noncombatant:  A dead Quaker.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
"There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it 
is I'll get married again."
-- Clint Eastwood
%
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  
I believe everything positively stinks.
-- Lew Col
%
Q:  How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
A:  Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
%
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
%
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
	Experience is directly proportional to the
	amount of equipment ruined.
%
Captain Penny's Law:
	You can fool all of the people some of the
	time, and some of the people all of the
	time, but you can't fool mom.
%
"Because he's a character who's looking for his own identity, [He-Man is] 
an interesting role for an actor."
-- Dolph Lundgren, "actor"
%
"If Jesus came back today, and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never 
stop throwing up."
-- Max Von Sydow's character in "Hannah and Her Sisters"
%
"Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.  
God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again."
-- Woody Allen's character in "Hannah and Her Sisters"
%
"In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he
 received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has
 not spoken with Roberts for several years.  Off the record, God has stated that
 "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
%
"Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core."
-- Hannah Arendt.
%
Quod licet Iovi non licet bovi.
(What Jove may do, is not permitted to a cow.)
%
"I distrust a man who says 'when.'  If he's got to be careful not to drink too 
much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does."
-- Sidney Greenstreet, _The Maltese Falcon_
%
"I distrust a close-mouthed man.  He generally picks the wrong time to talk 
and says the wrong things.  Talking's something you can't do judiciously, 
unless you keep in practice.  Now, sir, we'll talk if you like.	I'll tell 
you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk."
-- Sidney Greenstreet, _The Maltese Falcon_
%
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
%
"The sixties were good to you, weren't they?"
-- George Carlin
%
"You stay here, Audrey -- this is between me and the vegetable!"
-- Seymour, from _Little Shop Of Horrors_
%
From Sharp minds come... pointed heads.
-- Bryan Sparrowhawk
%
There are two kinds of egotists: 1) Those who admit it  2) The rest of us
%
"The picture's pretty bleak, gentlemen...  The world's climates are changing, 
the mammals are taking over, and we all have a brain about the size of a 
walnut."
-- some dinosaurs from The Far Side, by Gary Larson
%
"We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb 
your cities."
-- Robin Williams, _Good Morning Vietnam_
%
Why won't sharks eat lawyers?   Professional courtesy.
%
"You know, we've won awards for this crap."
-- David Letterman
%
It was pity stayed his hand.
"Pity I don't have any more bullets," thought Frito.
-- _Bored_of_the_Rings_, a Harvard Lampoon parody of Tolkein
%
A good USENET motto would be:
 a. "Together, a strong community."
 b. "Computers R Us."
 c. "I'm sick of programming, I think I'll just screw around for a while on 
     company time."
-- A Sane Man
%
"He didn't run for reelection.	`Politics brings you into contact with all the 
people you'd give anything to avoid,' he said. `I'm staying home.'"
-- Garrison Keillor, _Lake_Wobegone_Days_
%
"If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and 
fire them all off, wouldn't you?"
-- Garrison Keillor
%
"Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk."
-- TV Guide, describing the Star Trek episode _Amok_Time_
%
"Poor man... he was like an employee to me."
-- The police commisioner on "Sledge Hammer" laments the death of his bodyguard
%
"Trust me.  I know what I'm doing."
-- Sledge Hammer
%
"Hi.  This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine.  Please leave your name and 
number... and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you
 in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the F.B.I... BEEEP"
 -- Blue Devil comics
%
"All God's children are not beautiful.	Most of God's children are, in fact, 
barely presentable."
-- Fran Lebowitz
%
"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?"
-- Lily Tomlin
%
Whom the gods would destroy, they first teach BASIC.
%
"Look! There! Evil!.. pure and simple, total evil from the Eighth Dimension!"
-- Buckaroo Banzai
%
"I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid"
-- the artificial person, from _Aliens_
%
"The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead 
girl or a live boy."
-- Louisiana governor Edwin Edwards
%
David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
	* Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
	* Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
	* Hourly motel rates
	* Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
	* Didn't just give up right away during World War II like some 
	    countries we could mention
	* Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
	* Our well-behaved golf professionals
	* Fabulous babes coast to coast
%
"Danger, you haven't seen the last of me!"
   "No, but the first of you turns my stomach!"
-- The Firesign Theatre's Nick Danger
%
Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
 -- Russian Proverb
%
"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.	 If your ideas are any good, 
you'll have to ram them down people's throats."
 -- Howard Aiken
%
"When anyone says `theoretically,' they really mean `not really.'"
 -- David Parnas
%
"No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it."
 -- C. Schulz
%
"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make 
empty prophecies.  The danger already exists that mathematicians have made 
a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the 
bonds of Hell."
 -- Saint Augustine
%
"For the man who has everything... Penicillin."
 -- F. Borquin
%
 "I've finally learned what `upward compatible' means.	It means we
  get to keep all our old mistakes."
 -- Dennie van Tassel
%
"The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones."
 -- Nathaniel Howe
%
"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underware."
-- Norm, from _Cheers_
%
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that 
you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".  Disraeli replied, 
"That all depends, Sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your 
mistress."
%
"He don't know me vewy well, DO he?"   -- Bugs Bunny
%
"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
 That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."
-- Daffy Duck, Looney Tunes, _Robin Hood Daffy_
%
"Would I turn on the gas if my pal Mugsy were in there?"
   "You might, rabbit, you might!"
-- Looney Tunes, Bugs and Thugs (1954, Friz Freleng)
%
"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."
-- Looney Tunes, Ali Baba Bunny (1957, Chuck Jones)
%
"And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?"
-- Looney Tunes, The Scarlet Pumpernickel (1950, Chuck Jones)
%
"Now I've got the bead on you with MY disintegrating gun.  And when it 
disintegrates, it disintegrates.  (pulls trigger)  Well, what you do know, 
it disintegrated."
-- Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a half century
%
"Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit!"
-- Looney Tunes, "What's Opera Doc?" (1957, Chuck Jones)
%
"I DO want your money, because god wants your money!"
-- The Reverend Jimmy, from _Repo_Man_
%
"The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The 
terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency."
-- Albert Einstein
%
"You show me an American who can keep his mouth shut and I'll eat him."
-- Newspaperman from Frank Capra's _Meet_John_Doe_
%
	"And we heard him exclaim
	 As he started to roam:
	 `I'm a hologram, kids,
	  please don't try this at home!'"
	-- Bob Violence
-- Howie Chaykin's little animated 3-dimensional darling, Bob Violence
%
"The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet 
themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against 
the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: `Hey you stinking fat Russian, get
 off my Ford Escort.'"
-- Dennis Miller, Saturday Night Live
%
"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum."
--Arthur C. Clarke
%
"They ought to make butt-flavored cat food."   --Gallagher
%
"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."
--Woody Allen
%
"It's ten o'clock... Do you know where your AI programs are?"  -- Peter Oakley
%
"Ah, you know the type.	 They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 
'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big,
scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only 
reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
-- an analysis of neo-Nazis and such, Badger comics
%
"Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York 
City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves 
around than any other city in the world."
-- David Letterman
%
"Tourists -- have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies.  When you get 
to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay?	I was hitchhiking."
-- David Letterman
%
"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New 
Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not 
new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."
-- David Letterman
%
"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham 
Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
	1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
	2) Advising the President.
	3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his
	   coffin."
-- David Letterman
%
"If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on
 television with pool cues, who would win?
	1) Ricky Schroder
	2) Gary Coleman
	3) The television viewing public"
-- David Letterman
%
"If you are beginning to doubt what I am saying, you are
 probably hallucinating."
-- The Firesign Theatre, _Everything you know is Wrong_
%
What to do in case of an alien attack:

    1)   Hide beneath the seat of your plane and look away.
    2)   Avoid eye contact.
    3) If there are no eyes, avoid all contact.

-- The Firesign Theatre, _Everything you know is Wrong_
%
"Nuclear war would really set back cable."
- Ted Turner
%
"You tweachewous miscweant!"
-- Elmer Fudd
%
"I saw _Lassie_. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid never 
spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that deserve a series?"
-- the alien guy, in _Explorers_
%
"Open Channel D..."
-- Napoleon Solo, The Man From U.N.C.L.E.
%
Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
%
Support Mental Health.  Or I'll kill you.
%
"The pyramid is opening!"
   "Which one?"
"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
-- The Firesign Theatre
%
"Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missile sighted, target
Los Angeles.  Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
-- The Firesign Theatre movie, _J-Men Forever_
%
"My sense of purpose is gone! I have no idea who I AM!"
    "Oh, my God... You've.. You've turned him into a DEMOCRAT!"
-- Doonesbury
%
"You are WRONG, you ol' brass-breasted fascist poop!"
-- Bloom County
%
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *can* 
you believe?!" 
-- Bullwinkle J. Moose
%
"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberrys!"
-- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
"Take that, you hostile sons-of-bitches!"
-- James Coburn, in the finale of _The_President's_Analyst_
%
"The voters have spoken, the bastards..."
-- unknown
%
"I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk" 
-- John Huston
%
"Be there.  Aloha."
-- Steve McGarret, _Hawaii Five-Oh_
%
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro..."
-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
"Say yur prayers, yuh flea-pickin' varmint!"
-- Yosemite Sam
%
"There... I've run rings 'round you logically"
-- Monty Python's Flying Circus
%
"Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!"
-- The Ghostbusters
%
...Veloz is indistinguishable from hundreds of other electronics businesses
in the Valley, run by eager young engineers poring over memory dumps late
into the night.  The difference is that a bunch of self-confessed "car nuts"
are making money doing what they love: writing code and driving fast.
-- "Electronics puts its foot on the gas", IEEE Spectrum, May 88
%
"Just the facts, Ma'am"
-- Joe Friday
%
"I have five dollars for each of you."
-- Bernhard Goetz
%
Mausoleum:  The final and funniest folly of the rich.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Riches:  A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in whom I
am well pleased."
-- John D. Rockefeller, (slander by Ambrose Bierce)
%
All things are either sacred or profane.
The former to ecclesiasts bring gain;
The latter to the devil appertain.
-- Dumbo Omohundro
%
Saint:  A dead sinner revised and edited.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Forty two.
%
Meekness:  Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Absolute:  Independent, irresponsible.  An absolute monarchy is one in which
the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins.  Not
many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by
limited monarchies, where the soverign's power for evil (and for good) is
greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Abstainer:  A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
pleasure.  A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but
abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Alliance:  In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their
hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately
plunder a third.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Disobedience:  The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Egotist:  A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Administration:  An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive
the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
A penny saved is a penny to squander.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Ocean:  A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man --
who has no gills.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Physician:  One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Philosophy:  A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Politics:  A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Politician:  An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
organized society is reared.  When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of
his tail for the trembling of the edifice.  As compared with the statesman,
he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Pray:  To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single
petitioner confessedly unworthy.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Presidency:  The greased pig in the field game of American politics.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Proboscis:  The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place
of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him.  For purposes
of humor it is popularly called a trunk.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Inadmissible:  Not competent to be considered.  Said of certain kinds of
testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be entrusted with,
and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of proceedings before themselves
alone.  Hearsay evidence is inadmissible because the person quoted was
unsworn and is not before the court for examination; yet most momentous 
actions, military, political, commercial and of every other kind, are
daily undertaken on hearsay evidence.  There is no religion in the world
that has any other basis than hearsay evidence.  Revelation is hearsay
evidence; that the Scriptures are the word of God we have only the
testimony of men long dead whose identy is not clearly established and
who are not known to have been sworn in any sense.  Under the rules of
evidence as they now exist in this country, no single assertion in the
Bible has in its support any evidence admissible in a court of law...

But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily be proved
that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to
mankind.  The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women
were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still
unimpeachable.  The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and
in law.  Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than
the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death.
If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike
destitute of value.  --Ambrose Bierce
%
"Today's robots are very primitive, capable of understanding only a few
 simple instructions such as 'go left', 'go right', and 'build car'."
 --John Sladek
%
"In the fight between you and the world, back the world."
 --Frank Zappa
%
Here is an Appalachian version of management's answer to those who are 
concerned with the fate of the project:
"Don't worry about the mule.  Just load the wagon."
-- Mike Dennison's hillbilly uncle
%
Ill-chosen abstraction is particularly evident in the design of the ADA
runtime system. The interface to the ADA runtime system is so opaque that
it is impossible to model or predict its performance, making it effectively
useless for real-time systems. -- Marc D. Donner and David H. Jameson.
%
"Being against torture ought to be sort of a bipartisan thing."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
"Here comes Mr. Bill's dog."
-- Narrator, Saturday Night Live
%
Sex is like air.  It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
%
"Maintain an awareness for contribution -- to your schedule, your project, 
our company."  
-- A Group of Employees
%
"Ask not what A Group of Employees can do for you.  But ask what can 
All Employees do for A Group of Employees."    
-- Mike Dennison
%
One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated at dinner
alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic.
   "Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, _The Biography of a Dead Cow_, is
 published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its authorship.
 Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the Idiot of the Century.
 Do you think that fair criticism?"
   "I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably, "but it did not
occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know who wrote it."
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Many aligators will be slain,
but the swamp will remain.
%
What the gods would destroy they first submit to an IEEE standards committee.
%
This is now.  Later is later.
%
"I will make no bargains with terrorist hardware."
-- Peter da Silva
%
"If I do not return to the pulpit this weekend, millions of people will go
to hell."
-- Jimmy Swaggart, 5/20/88
%
"Dump the condiments.  If we are to be eaten, we don't need to taste good."
-- "Visionaries" cartoon
%
"Aww, if you make me cry anymore, you'll fog up my helmet."
-- "Visionaries" cartoon
%
I don't want to be young again, I just don't want to get any older.
%
Marriage Ceremony:  An incredible metaphysical sham of watching God and the 
law being dragged into the affairs of your family.
-- O. C. Ogilvie
%
  "Emergency!"  Sgiggs screamed, ejecting himself from the tub like it was
a burning car.  "Dial 'one'!  Get room service!  Code red!"  Stiggs was on
the phone immediately, ordering more rose blossoms, because, according to
him, the ones floating in the tub had suddenly lost their smell.  "I demand
smell," he shrilled.  "I expecting total uninterrupted smell from these
f*cking roses."

  Unfortunately, the service captain didn't realize that the Stiggs situation
involved fifty roses.  "What am I going to do with this?" Stiggs sneered at
the weaseling hotel goon when he appeared at our door holding a single flower
floating in a brandy glass.  Stiggs's tirade was great.  "Do you see this
bathtub?  Do you notice any difference between the size of the tub and the
size of that spindly wad of petals in your hand?  I need total bath coverage.
I need a completely solid layer of roses all around me like puffing factories
of smell, attacking me with their smell and power-ramming big stinking
concentrations of rose odor up my nostrils until I'm wasted with pleasure."
It wasn't long before we got so dissatisfied with this incompetence that we
bolted.
-- The Utterly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs,
   National Lampoon, October 1982
%
When it is incorrect, it is, at least *authoritatively* incorrect.
-- Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy
%
We decided it was night again, so we camped for twenty minutes and drank 
another six beers at a Young Life campsite.  O.C. got into the supervisory 
adult's sleeping bag and ran around in it.  "This is the judgment day and I'm 
a terrifying apparition," he screamed.  Then the heat made O.C. ralph in the
bag.
-- The Utterly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs,
   National Lampoon, October 1982
%
Voodoo Programming:  Things programmers do that they know shouldn't work but
they try anyway, and which sometimes actually work, such as recompiling
everything.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
This is, of course, totally uninformed specualation that I engage in to help 
support my bias against such meddling... but there you have it.
-- Peter da Silva, speculating about why a computer program that had been
changed to do something he didn't approve of, didn't work
%
"This knowledge I pursure is the finest pleasure I have ever known.  I could
no sooner give it up that I could the very air that I breath."
-- Paolo Uccello, Renaissance artist, discoverer of the laws of perspective
%
"I got everybody to pay up front...then I blew up their planet."
  "Now why didn't I think of that?"
-- Post Bros. Comics
%
"Atomic batteries to power, turbines to speed."
-- Robin, The Boy Wonder
%
The F-15 Eagle:  
	If it's up, we'll shoot it down.  If it's down, we'll blow it up.
-- A McDonnel-Douglas ad from a few years ago
%
"The Amiga is the only personal computer where you can run a multitasking 
operating system and get realtime performance, out of the box."
-- Peter da Silva
%
"It's my cookie file and if I come up with something that's lame and I like it,
it goes in."
-- karl (Karl Lehenbauer)
%
In recognizing AT&T Bell Laboratories for corporate innovation, for its
invention of cellular mobile communications, IEEE President Russell C. Drew
referred to the cellular telephone as a "basic necessity."  How times have
changed, one observer remarked: many in the room recalled the advent of
direct dialing.
-- The Institute, July 1988, pg. 11
%
...the Soviets have the capability to try big projects.  If there is a goal,
such as when Gorbachev states that they are going to have nuclear-powered
aircraft carriers, the case is closed -- that is it.  They will concentrate
on the problem, do a bad job, and later pay the price.  They really don't
care what the price is.
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 100
%
There is something you must understand about the Soviet system.  They have the
ability to concentrate all their efforts on a given design, and develop all
components simulateously, but sometimes without proper testing.  Then they end
up with a technological disaster like the Tu-144.  In a technology race at
the time, that aircraft was two months ahead of the Concorde.  Four Tu-144s
were built; two have crashed, and two are in museums.  The Concorde has been
flying safely for over 10 years.
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 100
%
DE:  The Soviets seem to have difficulty implementing modern technology.
     Would you comment on that?

Belenko:  Well, let's talk about aircraft engine lifetime.  When I flew the
	  MiG-25, its engines had a total lifetime of 250 hours.

DE:  Is that mean-time-between-failure?

Belenko:  No, the engine is finished; it is scrapped.

DE:  You mean they pull it out and throw it away, not even overhauling it?

Belenko:  That is correct.  Overhaul is too expensive.

DE:  That is absurdly low by free world standards.

Belenko:  I know.
-- an interview with Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 102
%
"I have a friend who just got back from the Soviet Union, and told me the people
there are hungry for information about the West.  He was asked about many 
things, but I will give you two examples that are very revealing about life in
the Soviet Union.  The first question he was asked was if we had exploding
television sets.  You see, they have a problem with the picture tubes on color
television sets, and many are exploding.  They assumed we must be having 
problems with them too.  The other question he was asked often was why the
CIA had killed Samantha Smith, the little girl who visited the Soviet Union a
few years ago; their propaganda is very effective.
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 100
%
"...I could accept this openness, glasnost, perestroika, or whatever you want
to call it if they did these things: abolish the one party system; open the
Soviet frontier and allow Soviet people to travel freely; allow the Soviet
people to have real free enterprise; allow Western businessmen to do business
there, and permit freedom of speech and of the press.  But so far, the whole
country is like a concentration camp.  The barbed wire on the fence around
the Soviet Union is to keep people inside, in the dark.  This openness that
you are seeing, all these changes, are cosmetic and they have been designed
to impress shortsighted, naive, sometimes stupid Western leaders.  These
leaders gush over Gorbachev, hoping to do business with the Soviet Union or
appease it.  He will say: "Yes, we can do business!"  This while his
military machine in Afghanistan has killed over a million people out of a
population of 17 million.  Can you imagine that?
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 110
%
"Remember Kruschev:  he tried to do too many things too fast, and he was 
removed in disgrace.  If Gorbachev tries to destroy the system or make too
many fundamental changes to it, I believe the system will get rid of him.
I am not a political scientist, but I understand the system very well.
I believe he will have a "heart attack" or retire or be removed.  He is
up against a brick wall.  If you think they will change everything and
become a free, open society, forget it!"
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 110
%
FORTRAN?  The syntactically incorrect statement "DO 10 I = 1.10" will parse and
generate code creating a variable, DO10I, as follows: "DO10I = 1.10"  If that
doesn't terrify you, it should.
%
"I knew then (in 1970) that a 4-kbyte minicomputer would cost as much as
a house.  So I reasoned that after college, I'd have to live cheaply in
an apartment and put all my money into owning a computer."
-- Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, EE Times, June 6, 1988, pg 45
%
HP had a unique policy of allowing its engineers to take parts from stock as
long as they built something.  "They figured that with every design, they were 
getting a better engineer.  It's a policy I urge all companies to adopt."
-- Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, "Will Wozniak's class give Apple to teacher?"
   EE Times, June 6, 1988, pg 45
%
"I just want to be a good engineer."
-- Steve Wozniak, co-founder of Apple Computer, concluding his keynote speech 
   at the 1988 AppleFest
%
"There's always been Tower of Babel sort of bickering inside Unix, but this
is the most extreme form ever.  This means at least several years of confusion."
-- Bill Gates, founder and chairman of Microsoft, 
   about the Open Systems Foundation
%
"When in doubt, print 'em out."
-- Karl's Programming Proverb 0x7
%
"If you want the best things to happen in corporate life you have to find ways
to be hospitable to the unusual person.  You don't get innovation as a 
democratic process.  You almost get it as an anti-democratic process.
Certainly you get it as an anthitetical process, so you have to have an
environment where the body of people are really amenable to change and can
deal with the conflicts that arise out of change an innovation."
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc.,  
   "Herman Miller's Secrets of Corporate Creativity",
   The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%
"In corporate life, I think there are three important areas which contracts
can't deal with, the area of conflict, the area of change and area of reaching
potential.  To me a covenant is a relationship that is based on such things
as shared ideals and shared value systems and shared ideas and shared
agreement as to the processes we are going to use for working together.  In
many cases they develop into real love relationships."
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller's 
   Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%
Another goal is to establish a relationship "in which it is OK for everybody
to do their best.  There are an awful lot of people in management who really
don't want subordinates to do their best, because it gets to be very
threatening.  But we have found that both internally and with outside
designers if we are willing to have this kind of relationship and if we're
willing to be vulnerable to what will come out of it, we get really good
work."
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller's 
   Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%
In his book, Mr. DePree tells the story of how designer George Nelson urged
that the company also take on Charles Eames in the late 1940s.  Max's father,
J. DePree, co-founder of the company with herman Miller in 1923, asked Mr.
Nelson if he really wanted to share the limited opportunities of a then-small
company with another designer.  "George's response was something like this:
'Charles Eames is an unusual talent.  He is very different from me.  The
company needs us both.  I want very much to have Charles Eames share in
whatever potential there is.'"
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller's 
   Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%
Mr. DePree believes participative capitalism is the wave of the future.  The
U.S. work force, he believes, "more and more demands to be included in the
capitalist system and if we don't find ways to get the capitalist system
to be an inclusive system rather than the exclusive system it has been, we're
all in deep trouble.  If we don't find ways to begin to understand that 
capitalism's highest potential lies in the common good, not in the individual
good, then we're risking the system itself."
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller's 
   Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%
Mr. DePree also expects a "tremendous social change" in all workplaces.  "When
I first started working 40 years ago, a factory supervisor was focused on the
product.  Today it is drastically different, because of the social milieu.
It isn't unusual for a worker to arrive on his shift and have some family
problem that he doesn't know how to resolve.  The example I like to use is a
guy who comes in and says 'this isn't going to be a good day for me, my son
is in jail on a drunk-driving charge and I don't know how to raise bail.'
What that means is that if the supervisor wants productivity, he has to know
how to raise bail."
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc., "Herman Miller's 
   Secrets of Corporate Creativity", The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
%
Fools ignore complexity.  Pragmatists suffer it.
Some can avoid it.  Geniuses remove it.
-- Perlis's Programming Proverb #58, SIGPLAN Notices, Sept.  1982
%
"What if" is a trademark of Hewlett Packard, so stop using it in your
sentences without permission, or risk being sued.
%
Now, if the leaders of the world -- people who are leaders by virtue of 
political, military or financial power, and not necessarily wisdom or
consideration for mankind -- if these leaders manage not to pull us
over the brink into planetary suicide, despite their occasional pompous
suggestions that they may feel obliged to do so, we may survive beyond
1988.  
-- George Rostky, EE Times, June 20, 1988 p. 45
%
The essential ideas of Algol 68 were that the whole language should be
precisely defined and that all the pieces should fit together smoothly.
The basic idea behind Pascal was that it didn't matter how vague the
language specification was (it took *years* to clarify) or how many rough
edges there were, as long as the CDC Pascal compiler was fast.
-- Richard A. O'Keefe
%
"We came.  We saw.  We kicked its ass."
-- Bill Murray, _Ghostbusters_
%
"The stars are made of the same atoms as the earth."  I usually pick one small
topic like this to give a lecture on.  Poets say science takes away from the
beauty of the stars -- mere gobs of gas atoms.  Nothing is "mere."  I too can
see the stars on a desert night, and feel them.  But do I see less or more?
The vastness of the heavens stretches my imagination -- stuck on this carousel
my little eye can catch one-million-year-old light.  A vast pattern -- of which
I am a part -- perhaps my stuff was belched from some forgotten star, as one
is belching there.  Or see them with the greater eye of Palomar, rushing all
apart from some common starting point when they were perhaps all together.
What is the pattern, or the meaning, or the *why?*  It does not do harm to the 
mystery to know a little about it.  For far more marvelous is the truth than
any artists of the past imagined!  Why do the poets of the present not speak
of it?  What men are poets who can speak of Jupiter if he were like a man, but
if he is an immense spinning sphere of methane and ammonia must be silent?
-- Richard P. Feynman (1918-1988)
%
If you permit yourself to read meanings into (rather than drawing meanings out
of) the evidence, you can draw any conclusion you like.
-- Michael Keith, "The Bar-Code Beast", The Skeptical Enquirer Vol 12 No 4 p 416
%
"Pseudocode can be used to some extent to aid the maintenance
process.  However, pseudocode that is highly detailed -
approaching the level of detail of the code itself - is not of
much use as maintenance documentation.  Such detailed
documentation has to be maintained almost as much as the code,
thus doubling the maintenance burden.  Furthermore, since such
voluminous pseudocode is too distracting to be kept in the
listing itself, it must be kept in a separate folder.  The
result: Since pseudocode - unlike real code - doesn't have to be
maintained, no one will maintain it.  It will soon become out of
date and everyone will ignore it.  (Once, I did an informal
survey of 42 shops that used pseudocode.  Of those 42, 0 [zero!],
found that it had any value as maintenance documentation."
         --Meilir Page-Jones, "The Practical Guide to Structured
           Design", Yourdon Press (c) 1988
%
"Only a brain-damaged operating system would support task switching and not
make the simple next step of supporting multitasking."
-- George McFry
%
Sigmund Freud is alleged to have said that in the last analysis the entire field
of psychology may reduce to biological electrochemistry.
%
The magician is seated in his high chair and looks upon the world with favor.
He is at the height of his powers.  If he closes his eyes, he causes the world
to disappear.  If he opens his eyes, he causes the world to come back.  If
there is harmony within him, the world is harmonious.  If rage shatters his
inner harmony, the unity of the world is shattered.  If desire arises within
him, he utters the magic syllables that causes the desired object to appear.
His wishes, his thoughts, his gestures, his noises command the universe.
-- Selma Fraiberg, _The Magic Years_, pg. 107
%
An Animal that knows who it is, one that has a sense of his own identity, is
a discontented creature, doomed to create new problems for himself for the
duration of his stay on this planet.  Since neither the mouse nor the chip
knows what is, he is spared all the vexing problems that follow this
discovery.  But as soon as the human animal who asked himself this question
emerged, he plunged himself and his descendants into an eternity of doubt
and brooding, speculation and truth-seeking that has goaded him through the
centures as reelentlessly as hunger or sexual longing.  The chimp that does
not know that he exists is not driven to discover his origins and is spared
the tragic necessity of contemplating his own end.  And even if the animal 
experimenters succeed in teaching a chimp to count one hundred bananas or 
to play chess, the chimp will develop no science and he will exhibit no 
appreciation of beauty, for the greatest part of man's wisdom may be traced
back to the eternal questions of beginnings and endings, the quest to give
meaning to his existence, to life itself.
-- Selma Fraiberg, _The Magic Years_, pg. 193
%
A comment on schedules:
 Ok, how long will it take?    
   For each manager involved in initial meetings add one month.
   For each manager who says "data flow analysis" add another month.
   For each unique end-user type add one month.
   For each unknown software package to be employed add two months.
   For each unknown hardware device add two months.
   For each 100 miles between developer and installation add one month.
   For each type of communication channel add one month.
   If an IBM mainframe shop is involved and you are working on a non-IBM
      system add 6 months.
   If an IBM mainframe shop is involved and you are working on an IBM
      system add 9 months.
Round up to the nearest half-year.
--Brad Sherman
By the way, ALL software projects are done by iterative prototyping.
Some companies call their prototypes "releases", that's all.
%
    UNIX Shell is the Best Fourth Generation Programming Language

    It is the UNIX shell that makes it possible to do applications in a small 
    fraction of the code and time it takes in third generation languages.  In 
    the shell you process whole files at a time, instead of only a line at a 
    time.  And, a line of code in the UNIX shell is one or more programs,
    which do more than pages of instructions in a 3GL.  Applications can be
    developed in hours and days, rather than months and years with traditional
    systems.  Most of the other 4GLs available today look more like COBOL or
    RPG, the most tedious of the third generation lanaguages.

"UNIX Relational Database Management:  Application Development in the UNIX 
 Environment" by Rod Manis, Evan Schaffer, and Robert Jorgensen.  Prentice
 Hall Software Series.  Brian Kerrighan, Advisor.  1988.
%
"Laugh while you can, monkey-boy."
-- Dr. Emilio Lizardo
%
"Floggings will continue until morale improves."
-- anonymous flyer being distributed at Exxon USA
%
"Hey Ivan, check your six."
-- Sidewinder missile jacket patch, showing a Sidewinder driving up the tail
 of a Russian Su-27
%
"Free markets select for winning solutions."
-- Eric S. Raymond
%
"I dislike companies that have a we-are-the-high-priests-of-hardware-so-you'll-
like-what-we-give-you attitude.  I like commodity markets in which iron-and-
silicon hawkers know that they exist to provide fast toys for software types
like me to play with..."
-- Eric S. Raymond
%
"The urge to destroy is also a creative urge."
-- Bakunin
[ed. note - I would say: The urge to destroy may sometimes be a creative urge.]
%
"A commercial, and in some respects a social, doubt has been started within the
 last year or two, whether or not it is right to discuss so openly the security
 or insecurity of locks.  Many well-meaning persons suppose that the discus-
 sion respecting the means for baffling the supposed safety of locks offers a
 premium for dishonesty, by showing others how to be dishonest.  This is a fal-
 lacy.  Rogues are very keen in their profession, and already know much more
 than we can teach them respecting their several kinds of roguery.  Rogues knew
 a good deal about lockpicking long before locksmiths discussed it among them-
 selves, as they have lately done.  If a lock -- let it have been made in what-
 ever country, or by whatever maker -- is not so inviolable as it has hitherto
 been deemed to be, surely it is in the interest of *honest* persons to know
 this fact, because the *dishonest* are tolerably certain to be the first to
 apply the knowledge practically; and the spread of knowledge is necessary to
 give fair play to those who might suffer by ignorance.  It cannot be too ear-
 nestly urged, that an acquaintance with real facts will, in the end, be better
 for all parties."
-- Charles Tomlinson's Rudimentary Treatise on the Construction of Locks, 
   published around 1850 
%
 In respect to lock-making, there can scarcely be such a thing as dishonesty 
 of intention: the inventor produces a lock which he honestly thinks will 
 possess such and such qualities; and he declares his belief to the world.
 If others differ from him in opinion concerning those qualities, it is open
 to them to say so; and the discussion, truthfully conducted, must lead to
 public advantage: the discussion stimulates curiosity, and curiosity stimu-
 lates invention.  Nothing but a partial and limited view of the question
 could lead to the opinion that harm can result: if there be harm, it will be
 much more than counterbalanced by good."
-- Charles Tomlinson's Rudimentary Treatise on the Construction of Locks, 
   published around 1850.
%
"Wish not to seem, but to be, the best."
-- Aeschylus
%
"Survey says..."
-- Richard Dawson, weenie, on "Family Feud"
%
"Paul Lynde to block..."
-- a contestant on "Hollywood Squares"
%
"Little else matters than to write good code."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
To write good code is a worthy challenge, and a source of civilized delight.
-- stolen and paraphrased from William Safire
%
"Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward"
-- William E. Davidsen
%
"If a computer can't directly address all the RAM you can use, it's just a toy."
-- anonymous comp.sys.amiga posting, non-sequitir
%
"Never laugh at live dragons, Bilbo you fool!" he said to himself, and it became
a favourite saying of his later, and passed into a proverb. "You aren't nearly
through this adventure yet," he added, and that was pretty true as well.
-- Bilbo Baggins, "The Hobbit" by J.R.R. Tolkien, Chapter XII
%
"A dirty mind is a joy forever."
-- Randy Kunkee
%
"You can't teach seven foot."
-- Frank Layton, Utah Jazz basketball coach, when asked why he had recruited
   a seven-foot tall auto mechanic
%
"A car is just a big purse on wheels."
-- Johanna Reynolds
%
"History is a tool used by politicians to justify their intentions."
-- Ted Koppel
%
"Gozer the Gozerian:  As the duly appointed representative of the city,
county and state of New York, I hereby order you to cease all supernatural
activities at once and proceed immediately to your place of origin or
the nearest parallel dimension, whichever is nearest."
-- Ray (Dan Akyroyd, _Ghostbusters_
%
It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of a
new system.  For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit by
the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders in
those who would gain by the new ones.
-- Machiavelli
%
God grant me the senility to accept the things I cannot change,
The frustration to try to change things I cannot affect,
and the wisdom to tell the difference.
%
First as to speech.  That privilege rests upon the premise that
there is no proposition so uniformly acknowledged that it may not be
lawfully challenged, questioned, and debated.  It need not rest upon
the further premise that there are no propositions that are not
open to doubt; it is enough, even if there are, that in the end it is
worse to suppress dissent than to run the risk of heresy.  Hence it
has been again and again unconditionally proclaimed that there are
no limits to the privilege so far as words seek to affect only the hearers'
beliefs and not their conduct.  The trouble is that conduct is almost
always based upon some belief, and that to change the hearer's belief
will generally to some extent change his conduct, and may even evoke
conduct that the law forbids.

[cf. Learned Hand, The Spirit of Liberty, University of Chicago Press, 1952;
The Art and Craft of Judging: The Decisions of Judge Learned Hand,
edited and annotated by Hershel Shanks, The MacMillian Company, 1968.]
%
The late rebellion in Massachusetts has given more alarm than I think it 
should have done.  Calculate that one rebellion in 13 states in the course 
of 11 years, is but one for each state in a century and a half.  No country 
should be so long without one.
-- Thomas Jefferson in letter to James Madison, 20 December 1787
%
"Nine years of ballet, asshole."
-- Shelly Long, to the bad guy after making a jump over a gorge that he
   couldn't quite, in "Outrageous Fortune"
%
You are in a maze of UUCP connections, all alike.
%
"If that man in the PTL is such a healer, why can't he make his wife's
 hairdo go down?"
-- Robin Williams
%
8)   Use common sense in routing cable.  Avoid wrapping coax around sources of
     strong electric or magnetic fields.  Do not wrap the cable around
     flourescent light ballasts or cyclotrons, for example.
-- Ethernet Headstart Product, Information and Installation Guide,
   Bell Technologies, pg. 11
%
"What a wonder is USENET; such wholesale production of conjecture from
such a trifling investment in fact."
-- Carl S. Gutekunst
%
VMS must die!
%
MS-DOS must die!
%
OS/2 must die!
%
Pournelle must die!
%
Garbage In, Gospel Out
%
"Being against torture ought to be sort of a multipartisan thing."
-- Karl Lehenbauer, as amended by Jeff Daiell, a Libertarian
%
"Facts are stupid things."
-- President Ronald Reagan 
   (a blooper from his speeach at the '88 GOP convention)
%
"The argument that the literal story of Genesis can qualify as science
collapses on three major grounds: the creationists' need to invoke
miracles in order to compress the events of the earth's history into
the biblical span of a few thousand years; their unwillingness to 
abandon claims clearly disproved, including the assertion that all
fossils are products of Noah's flood; and their reliance upon distortion,
misquote, half-quote, and citation out of context to characterize the
ideas of their opponents."
-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", 
   The Skeptical Inquirer, Winter 87/88, pg. 186
%
"An ounce of prevention is worth a ton of code."
-- an anonymous programmer
%
"To IBM, 'open' means there is a modicum of interoperability among some of their
equipment."
-- Harv Masterson
%
"Just think of a computer as hardware you can program."
-- Nigel de la Tierre
%
"If you own a machine, you are in turn owned by it, and spend your time
 serving it..."
-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, _The Forbidden Tower_
%
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."
-- Albert Einstein
%
"Card readers?  We don't need no stinking card readers."
-- Peter da Silva (at the National Academy of Sciencies, 1965, in a
   particularly vivid fantasy)
%
Your good nature will bring unbounded happiness.
%
Semper Fi, dude.
%
Excitement and danger await your induction to tracer duty!  As a tracer,
you must rid the computer networks of slimy, criminal data thieves.
They are tricky and the action gets tough, so watch out!  Utilizing all
your skills, you'll either get your man or you'll get burned!
-- advertising for the computer game "Tracers"
%
"An entire fraternity of strapping Wall-Street-bound youth.  Hell - this
is going to be a blood bath!"
-- Post Bros. Comics
%
"Neighbors!!  We got neighbors!  We ain't supposed to have any neighbors, and
I just had to shoot one."
-- Post Bros. Comics
%
"Gotcha, you snot-necked weenies!"
-- Post Bros. Comics
%
interlard - vt., to intersperse; diversify
-- Webster's New World Dictionary Of The American Language
%
"Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything about it."
-- Mark Twain
%
"How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
   "FIFTEEN!!  YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?"
%
"If you weren't my teacher, I'd think you just deleted all my files."
-- an anonymous UCB CS student, to an instructor who had typed "rm -i *" to
   get rid of a file named "-f" on a Unix system.
%
"The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who, in times of moral
crisis, preserved their neutrality."
-- Dante
%
"The medium is the message."
-- Marshall McLuhan
%
"The medium is the massage."
-- Crazy Nigel
%
"Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser."
-- Vince Lombardi, football coach
%
"It might help if we ran the MBA's out of Washington."
-- Admiral Grace Hopper
%
Refreshed by a brief blackout, I got to my feet and went next door.
-- Martin Amis, _Money_
%
The sprung doors parted and I staggered out into the lobby's teak and flicker.
Uniformed men stood by impassively like sentries in their trench.  I slapped
my key on the desk and nodded gravely.  I was loaded enough to be unable to
tell whether they could tell I was loaded.  Would they mind?  I was certainly
too loaded to care.  I moved to the door with boxy, schlep-shouldered strides.
-- Martin Amis, _Money_
%
I ask only one thing.  I'm understanding.  I'm mature.  And it isn't much to
ask.  I want to get back to London, and track her down, and be alone with my
Selina -- or not even alone, damn it, merely close to her, close enough to
smell her skin, to see the flecked webbing of her lemony eyes, the moulding
of her artful lips.  Just for a few precious seconds.  Just long enough to
put in one good, clean punch.  That's all I ask.
-- Martin Amis, _Money_
%
"Love may fail, but courtesy will previal."
-- A Kurt Vonnegut fan
%
New York is a jungle, they tell you.  You could go further, and say that
New York is a jungle.  New York *is a jungle.*  Beneath the columns of
the old rain forest, made of melting macadam, the mean Limpopo of swamped 
Ninth Avenue bears an angry argosy of crocs and dragons, tiger fish, noise
machines, sweating rainmakers.  On the corners stand witchdoctors and
headhunters, babbling voodoo-men -- the natives, the jungle-smart natives.
And at night, under the equatorial overgrowth and heat-holding cloud
cover, you hear the ragged parrot-hoot and monkeysqueak of the sirens,
and then fires flower to ward off monsters.  Careful: the streets are
sprung with pits and nets and traps.  Hire a guide.  Pack your snakebite
gook and your blowdart serum.  Take it seriously.  You have to get a
bit jungle-wise.
-- Martin Amis, _Money_
%
Now I was heading, in my hot cage, down towards meat-market country on the
tip of the West Village.  Here the redbrick warehouses double as carcass
galleries and rat hives, the Manhattan fauna seeking its necessary
level, living or dead.  Here too you find the heavy faggot hangouts,
The Spike, the Water Closet, the Mother Load.  Nobody knows what goes on
in these places.  Only the heavy faggots know.  Even Fielding seems somewhat 
vague on the question.  You get zapped and flogged and dumped on -- by
almost anybody's standards, you have a really terrible time.  The average
patron arrives at the Spike in one taxi but needs to go back to his sock
in two.  And then the next night he shows up for more.  They shackle 
themselves to racks, they bask in urinals.  Their folks have a lot of
explaining to do, if you want my opinion, particularly the mums.  Sorry
to single you ladies out like this but the story must start somewhere.  
A craving for hourly murder -- it can't be willed.  In the meantime,
Fielding tells me, Mother Nature looks on and taps her foot and clicks
her tongue.  Always a champion of monogamy, she is cooking up some fancy
new diseases.  She just isn't going to stand for it.
-- Martin Amis, _Money_
%
"You tried it just for once, found it alright for kicks,
 but now you find out you have a habit that sticks,
 you're an orgasm addict,
 you're always at it,
 and you're an orgasm addict."
-- The Buzzcocks
%
"There is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress."
-- Mark Twain
%
"You'll pay to know what you really think."
-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
%
"We live, in a very kooky time."
-- Herb Blashtfalt
%
"Pull the wool over your own eyes!"
-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
%
"Okay," Bobby said, getting the hang of it, "then what's the matrix?  If
she's a deck, and Danbala's a program, what's cyberspace?"
  "The world," Lucas said.
-- William Gibson, _Count Zero_
%
"Our reruns are better than theirs."
-- Nick at Nite
%
Life is a game.  Money is how we keep score.
-- Ted Turner
%
"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."
-- The Wizard Of Oz
%
"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."
-- Karl, as he stepped behind the computer to reboot it, during a FAT
%
"It ain't so much the things we don't know that get us in trouble.  It's the
things we know that ain't so."
-- Artemus Ward aka Charles Farrar Brown
%
"Don't discount flying pigs before you have good air defense."
-- jvh@clinet.FI
%
"In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble."
-- Alan Perlis
%
"Pok pok pok, P'kok!"
-- Superchicken
%
Live Free or Live in Massachusettes.
%
"You can't get very far in this world without your dossier being there first."
-- Arthur Miller
%
"Flight Reservation systems decide whether or not you exist. If your information
isn't in their database, then you simply don't get to go anywhere."
-- Arthur Miller
%
"What people have been reduced to are mere 3-D representations of their own 
data."
-- Arthur Miller
%
"The Avis WIZARD decides if you get to drive a car. Your head won't touch the
pillow of a Sheraton unless their computer says it's okay."
-- Arthur Miller
%
"They know your name, address, telephone number, credit card numbers, who ELSE
is driving the car "for insurance", ...  your driver's license number. In the
state of Massachusetts, this is the same number as that used for Social
Security, unless you object to such use. In THAT case, you are ASSIGNED a
number and you reside forever more on the list of "weird people who don't give
out their Social Security Number in Massachusetts."
-- Arthur Miller
%
"Data is a lot like humans:  It is born.  Matures.  Gets married to other data,
divorced. Gets old.  One thing that it doesn't do is die.  It has to be killed."
-- Arthur Miller
%
"People should have access to the data which you have about them.  There should
 be a process for them to challenge any inaccuracies."
-- Arthur Miller
%
"Although Poles suffer official censorship, a pervasive secret
police and laws similar to those in the USSR, there are
thousands of underground publications, a legal independent
Church, private agriculture, and the East bloc's first and only
independent trade union federation, NSZZ Solidarnosc, which is
an affiliate of both the International Confederation of Free
Trade Unions and the World Confederation of Labor.  There is
literally a world of difference between Poland - even in its
present state of collapse - and Soviet society at the peak of
its "glasnost."  This difference has been maintained at great
cost by the Poles since 1944.
-- David Phillips, SUNY at Buffalo, about establishing a
   gateway from EARN (Eurpoean Academic Research Network)
   to Poland
%
"There is also a thriving independent student movement in
Poland, and thus there is a strong possibility (though no
guarantee) of making an EARN-Poland link, should it ever come
about, a genuine link - not a vacuum cleaner attachment for a
Bloc information gathering apparatus rationed to trusted
apparatchiks."
-- David Phillips, SUNY at Buffalo, about establishing a
   gateway from EARN (Eurpoean Academic Research Network)
   to Poland
%
"Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture,
an intransigent mind, and a step that travels unlimited roads."
-- John Galt, in Ayn Rand's _Atlas Shrugged_
%
Don't panic.
%
The bug stops here.
%
The bug starts here.
%
"Why waste negative entropy on comments, when you could use the same
entropy to create bugs instead?"
-- Steve Elias
%
"The pathology is to want control, not that you ever get it, because of
course you never do."
-- Gregory Bateson
%
"Your butt is mine."
-- Michael Jackson, Bad
%
Ship it.
%
"Once they go up, who cares where they come down?  That's not my department."
-- Werner von Braun
%
"When the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to treat everything as if
it were a nail."
-- Abraham Maslow
%
"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."
-- The New Mighty Mouse
%
"The lesser of two evils -- is evil."
-- Seymour (Sy) Leon
%
"It's no sweat, Henry.  Russ made it back to Bugtown before he died.  So he'll
regenerate in a couple of days.  It's just awful sloppy of him to get killed in
the first place.  Humph!"
-- Ron Post, Post Brothers Comics
%
"An honest god is the noblest work of man.  ... God has always resembled his
creators.  He hated and loved what they hated and loved and he was invariably
found on the side of those in power. ... Most of the gods were pleased with
sacrifice, and the smell of innocent blood has ever been considered a divine
perfume."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%
"We are not endeavoring to chain the future but to free the present. ... We are
the advocates of inquiry, investigation, and thought. ... It is grander to think
and investigate for yourself than to repeat a creed. ... I look for the day
when *reason*, throned upon the world's brains, shall be the King of Kings and
the God of Gods.
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%
"I honestly believe that the doctrine of hell was born in the glittering eyes
of snakes that run in frightful coils watching for their prey.  I believe
it was born with the yelping, howling, growling and snarling of wild beasts...
I despise it, I defy it, and I hate it."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%
"Is this foreplay?"
   "No, this is Nuke Strike.  Foreplay has lousy graphics.  Beat me again."
-- Duckert, in "Bad Rubber," Albedo #0 (comics)
%
egrep patterns are full regular expressions; it uses a fast deterministic
algorithm that sometimes needs exponential space.
-- unix manuals
%
"A mind is a terrible thing to have leaking out your ears."
-- The League of Sadistic Telepaths
%
"Life sucks, but it's better than the alternative."
-- Peter da Silva
%
If this is a service economy, why is the service so bad?
%
"I shall expect a chemical cure for psychopathic behavior by 10 A.M. tomorrow,
or I'll have your guts for spaghetti."
-- a comic panel by Cotham 
%
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
-- Will Rogers
%
"An open mind has but one disadvantage: it collects dirt."
-- a saying at RPI
%
"The geeks shall inherit the earth."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
"Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers."
-- Chip Salzenberg
%
"Elvis is my copilot."
-- Cal Keegan
%
"The fundamental principle of science, the definition almost, is this: the
sole test of the validity of any idea is experiment."
-- Richard P. Feynman
%
How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
   Let's see, can you use a shell script for that or does it need a C program?
%
"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.  Hate me because I'm beautiful, smart 
and rich."
-- Calvin Keegan
%
"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so
certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."
-- Bertrand Russell
%
Always look over your shoulder because everyone is watching and plotting
against you.
%
"Let us condemn to hellfire all those who disagree with us."
-- militant religionists everywhere
%
Baby On Board.
%
"The net result is a system that is not only binary compatible with 4.3 BSD,
but is even bug for bug compatible in almost all features."
-- Avadit Tevanian, Jr., "Architecture-Independent Virtual Memory Management
   for Parallel and Distributed Environments:  The Mach Approach"
%
"The number of Unix installations has grown to 10, with more expected."
-- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June, 1972
%
"Engineering without management is art."
-- Jeff Johnson
%
"I'm not a god, I was misquoted."
-- Lister, Red Dwarf
%
Brain off-line, please wait.
%
-- 
-- uunet!sugar!karl  | "We've been following your progress with considerable 
-- karl@sugar.uu.net |  interest, not to say contempt."  -- Zaphod Beeblebrox IV
-- Usenet BBS (713) 438-5018



th-th-th-th-That's all, folks!

----------- cut here, don't forget to strip junk at the end, too -------------
"Psychoanalysis??  I thought this was a nude rap session!!!"
-- Zippy
%
Are you having fun yet?
%
"The vast majority of successful major crimes against property are
perpetrated by individuals abusing positions of trust."
-- Lawrence Dalzell
%
"Perhaps I am flogging a straw herring in mid-stream, but in the light of
what is known about the ubiquity of security vulnerabilities, it seems vastly
too dangerous for university folks to run with their heads in the sand."
-- Peter G. Neumann, RISKS moderator, about the Internet virus
%
"Seed me, Seymour"
-- a random number generator meets the big green mother from outer space
%
"Buy land.  They've stopped making it."
-- Mark Twain
%
"Open the pod bay doors, HAL."
-- Dave Bowman, 2001
%
"There was no difference between the behavior of a god and the operations of
pure chance..."
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
%
...Saure really turns out to be an adept at the difficult art of papryomancy,
the ability to prophesy through contemplating the way people roll reefers -
the shape, the licking pattern, the wrinkles and folds or absence thereof
in the paper.  "You will soon be in love," sez Saure, "see, this line here."
"It's long, isn't it?  Does that mean --" "Length is usually intensity.
Not time."
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
%
Go ahead, capitalize the T on technology, deify it if it will make you feel
less responsible -- but it puts you in with the neutered, brother, in with
the eunuchs keeping the harem of our stolen Earth for the numb and joyless
hardons of human sultans, human elite with no right at all to be where they
are --"
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
%
...the prevailing Catholic odor - incense, wax, centuries of mild bleating
from the lips of the flock.
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
%
...At that time [the 1960s], Bell Laboratories scientists projected that
computer speeds as high as 30 million floating-point calculations per
second (megaflops) would be needed for the Army's ballistic missile
defense system.  Many computer experts -- including a National Academy
of Sciences panel -- said achieving such speeds, even using multiple
processors, was impossible.  Today, new generation supercomputers operate
at billions of operations per second (gigaflops).
-- Aviation Week & Space Technology, May 9, 1988, "Washington Roundup", pg 13
%
Shit Happens.
%
backups: always in season, never out of style.
%
"There was a vague, unpleasant manginess about his appearence; he somehow
seemed dirty, though a close glance showed him as carefully shaven as an
actor, and clad in immaculate linen."
-- H.L. Mencken, on the death of William Jennings Bryan
%
Work was impossible.  The geeks had broken my spirit.  They had done too
many things wrong.  It was never like this for Mencken.  He lived like
a Prussian gambler -- sweating worse than Bryan on some nights and drunker
than Judas on others.  It was all a dehumanized nightmare...and these
raddled cretins have the gall to complain about my deadlines.
-- Hunter Thompson, "Bad Nerves in Fat City", _Generation of Swine_
%
"This generation may be the one that will face Armageddon."
-- Ronald Reagan, "People" magazine, December 26, 1985
%
... The cable had passed us by; the dish was the only hope, and eventually
we were all forced to turn to it.  By the summer of '85, the valley had more
satellite dishes per capita than an Eskimo village on the north slope of
Alaska.

Mine was one of the last to go in.  I had been nervous from the start about
the hazards of too much input, which is a very real problem with these
things.  Watching TV becomes a full-time job when you can scan 200 channels
all day and all night and still have the option of punching Night Dreams
into the video machine, if the rest of the world seems dull.
-- Hunter Thompson, "Full-time scrambling", _Generation of Swine_
%
"Call immediately.  Time is running out.  We both need to do something
monstrous before we die."
-- Message from Ralph Steadman to Hunter Thompson
%
"The only way for a reporter to look at a politician is down."
-- H.L. Mencken
%
"You don't go out and kick a mad dog.  If you have a mad dog with rabies, you
take a gun and shoot him."
-- Pat Robertson, TV Evangelist, about Muammar Kadhafy
%
David Brinkley: The daily astrological charts are precisely where, in my
  judgment, they belong, and that is on the comic page.
George Will:  I don't think astrology belongs even on the comic pages.
  The comics are making no truth claim.
Brinkley:  Where would you put it?
Will:  I wouldn't put it in the newspaper.  I think it's transparent rubbish.
  It's a reflection of an idea that we expelled from Western thought in the
  sixteenth century, that we are in the center of a caring universe.  We are
  not the center of the universe, and it doesn't care.  The star's alignment
  at the time of our birth -- that is absolute rubbish.  It is not funny to
  have it intruded among people who have nuclear weapons.
Sam Donaldson:  This isn't something new.  Governor Ronald Reagan was sworn
  in just after midnight in his first term in Sacramento because the stars
  said it was a propitious time.
Will:  They [horoscopes] are utter crashing banalities.  They could apply to
  anyone and anything.
Brinkley:  When is the exact moment [of birth]?  I don't think the nurse is
  standing there with a stopwatch and a notepad.
Donaldson:  If we're making decisions based on the stars -- that's a cockamamie
  thing.  People want to know.
-- "This Week" with David Brinkley, ABC Television, Sunday, May 8, 1988,
   excerpts from a discussion on Astrology and Reagan
%
The reported resort to astrology in the White House has occasioned much
merriment.  It is not funny.  Astrological gibberish, which means astrology
generally, has no place in a newspaper, let alone government.  Unlike comics,
which are part of a newspaper's harmless pleasure and make no truth claims,
astrology is a fraud.  The idea that it gets a hearing in government is
dismaying.
-- George Will, Washing Post Writers Group
%
Astrology is the sheerest hokum.  This pseudoscience has been around since
the day of the Chaldeans and Babylonians.  It is as phony as numerology,
phrenology, palmistry, alchemy, the reading of tea leaves, and the practice
of divination by the entrails of a goat.  No serious person will buy the
notion that our lives are influenced individually by the movement of
distant planets.  This is the sawdust blarney of the carnival midway.
-- James J. Kilpatrick, Universal Press Syndicate
%
A serious public debate about the validity of astrology?  A serious believer
in the White House?  Two of them?  Give me a break.  What stifled my laughter
is that the image fits.  Reagan has always exhibited a fey indifference toward
science.  Facts, like numbers, roll off his back.  And we've all come to
accept it.  This time it was stargazing that became a serious issue....Not
that long ago, it was Reagan's support of Creationism....Creationists actually
got equal time with evolutionists.  The public was supposed to be open-minded
to the claims of paleontologists and fundamentalists, as if the two were
scientific colleagues....It has been clear for a long time that the president
is averse to science...In general, these attitudes fall onto friendly American
turf....But at the outer edges, this skepticism about science easily turns
into a kind of naive acceptance of nonscience, or even nonsense.  The same
people who doubt experts can also believe any quackery, from the benefits of
laetrile to eye of newt to the movment of planets.  We lose the capacity to
make rational -- scientific -- judgments.  It's all the same.
-- Ellen Goodman, The Boston Globe Newspaper Company-Washington Post Writers 
    Group
%
The spectacle of astrology in the White House -- the governing center of
the world's greatest scientific and military power -- is so appalling that
it defies understanding and provides grounds for great fright.  The easiest
response is to laugh it off, and to indulge in wisecracks about Civil
Service ratings for horoscope makers and palm readers and whether Reagan
asked Mikhail Gorbachev for his sign.  A contagious good cheer is the
hallmark of this presidency, even when the most dismal matters are concerned.
But this time, it isn't funny.  It's plain scary.
-- Daniel S. Greenberg, Editor, _Science and Government Report_, writing in
   "Newsday", May 5, 1988
%
[Astrology is] 100 percent hokum, Ted.  As a matter of fact, the first edition
of the Encyclopaedia Britannica, written in 1771 -- 1771! -- said that this
belief system is a subject long ago ridiculed and reviled.  We're dealing with
beliefs that go back to the ancient Babylonians.  There's nothing there....
It sounds a lot like science, it sounds like astronomy.  It's got technical
terms.  It's got jargon.  It confuses the public....The astrologer is quite
glib, confuses the public, uses terms which come from science, come from
metaphysics, come from a host of fields, but they really mean nothing.  The
fact is that astrological beliefs go back at least 2,500 years.  Now that
should be a sufficiently long time for astrologers to prove their case.  They
have not proved their case....It's just simply gibberish.  The fact is, there's
no theory for it, there are no observational data for it.  It's been tested
and tested over the centuries.  Nobody's ever found any validity to it at
all.  It is not even close to a science.  A science has to be repeatable, it
has to have a logical foundation, and it has to be potentially vulnerable --
you test it.  And in that astrology is reqlly quite something else.
-- Astronomer Richard Berendzen, President, American University, on ABC
    News "Nightline," May 3, 1988
%
Even if we put all these nagging thoughts [four embarrassing questions about
astrology] aside for a moment, one overriding question remains to be asked.
Why would the positions of celestial objects at the moment of birth have an
effect on our characters, lives, or destinies?  What force or influence,
what sort of energy would travel from the planets and stars to all human
beings and affect our development or fate?  No amount of scientific-sounding
jargon or computerized calculations by astrologers can disguise this central
problem with astrology -- we can find no evidence of a mechanism by which
celestial objects can influence us in so specific and personal a way. . . .
Some astrologers argue that there may be a still unknown force that represents
the astrological influence. . . .If so, astrological predictions -- like those
of any scientific field -- should be easily tested. . . . Astrologers always
claim to be just a little too busy to carry out such careful tests of their
efficacy, so in the last two decades scientists and statisticians have
generously done such testing for them.  There have been dozens of well-designed
tests all around the world, and astrology has failed every one of them. . . .
I propose that we let those beckoning lights in the sky awaken our interest
in the real (and fascinating) universe beyond our planet, and not let them
keep us tied to an ancient fantasy left over from a time when we huddled by
the firelight, afraid of the night.
-- Andrew Fraknoi, Executive Officer, Astronomical Society of the Pacific,
    "Why Astrology Believers Should Feel Embarrassed," San Jose Mercury
    News, May 8, 1988
%
With the news that Nancy Reagan has referred to an astrologer when planning
her husband's schedule, and reports of Californians evacuating Los Angeles
on the strength of a prediction from a sixteenth-century physician and
astrologer Michel de Notredame, the image of the U.S. as a scientific and
technological nation has taking a bit of a battering lately.  Sadly, such
happenings cannot be dismissed as passing fancies.  They are manifestations
of a well-established "anti-science" tendency in the U.S. which, ultimately,
could threaten the country's position as a technological power. . . .  The
manifest widespread desire to reject rationality and substitute a series
of quasirandom beliefs in order to understand the universe does not augur
well for a nation deeply concerned about its ability to compete with its
industrial equals.  To the degree that it reflects the thinking of a 
significant section of the public, this point of view encourages ignorance
of and, indeed, contempt for science and for rational methods of approaching
truth. . . . It is becoming clear that if the U.S. does not pick itself up
soon and devote some effort to educating the young effectively, its hope of
maintaining a semblance of leadership in the world may rest, paradoxically,
with a new wave of technically interested and trained immigrants who do not
suffer from the anti-science disease rampant in an apparently decaying society.
-- Physicist Tony Feinberg, in "New Scientist," May 19, 1988
%
miracle:  an extremely outstanding or unusual event, thing, or accomplishment.
-- Webster's Dictionary
%
"The computer programmer is a creator of universes for which he alone
 is responsible. Universes of virtually unlimited complexity can be
 created in the form of computer programs."
-- Joseph Weizenbaum, _Computer Power and Human Reason_
%
"If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong."
-- Norm Schryer
%
"May your future be limited only by your dreams."
-- Christa McAuliffe
%
"It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
coming up it."
-- Henry Allen
%
"Life begins when you can spend your spare time programming instead of
watching television."
-- Cal Keegan
%
Eat shit -- billions of flies can't be wrong.
%
"We never make assertions, Miss Taggart," said Hugh Akston.  "That is
the moral crime peculiar to our enemies.  We do not tell -- we *show*.
We do not claim -- we *prove*."  
-- Ayn Rand, _Atlas Shrugged_
%
"I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and
 my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes."
-- George Carlin
%
"My father?  My father left when I was quite young.  Well actually, he
 was asked to leave.  He had trouble metabolizing alcohol."
 -- George Carlin
%
"I turn on my television set.  I see a young lady who goes under the guise
of being a Christian, known all over the nation, dressed in skin-tight
leather pants, shaking and wiggling her hips to the beat and rythm of the
music as the strobe lights beat their patterns across the stage and the
band plays the contemporary rock sound which cannot be differentiated from
songs by the Grateful Dead, the Beatles, or anyone else.  And you may try
to tell me this is of God and that it is leading people to Christ, but I
know better.
-- Jimmy Swaggart, hypocritical sexual pervert and TV preacher, self-described
 pornography addict, "Two points of view: 'Christian' rock and roll.", 
 The Evangelist, 17(8): 49-50.
%
"So-called Christian rock. . . . is a diabolical force undermining Christianity
 from within."
-- Jimmy Swaggart, hypocrite and TV preacher, self-described pornography addict,
 "Two points of view: 'Christian' rock and roll.", The Evangelist, 17(8): 49-50.
%
"Anyone attempting to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, of
course, living in a state of sin."
-- John Von Neumann
%
"You must have an IQ of at least half a million."  -- Popeye
%
"Freedom is still the most radical idea of all."
-- Nathaniel Branden
%
Aren't you glad you're not getting all the government you pay for now?
%
"I never let my schooling get in the way of my education."
-- Mark Twain
%
These screamingly hilarious gogs ensure owners of     X Ray Gogs to be the life
of any party.
-- X-Ray Gogs Instructions
%
A student asked the master for help... does this program run from the
Workbench? The master grabbed the mouse and pointed to an icon. "What is
this?" he asked. The student replied "That's the mouse". The master pressed
control-Amiga-Amiga and hit the student on the head with the Amiga ROM Kernel
Manual.
-- Amiga Zen Master Peter da Silva
%
"Thank heaven for startups; without them we'd never have any advances."
-- Seymour Cray
%
"Out of register space (ugh)"
-- vi
%
"Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor
of journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated,
it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community."
                                        - Oscar Wilde
%
"Ada is PL/I trying to be Smalltalk.
-- Codoso diBlini
%
"The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by mean of zeal,
well-meaning but without understanding."
-- Justice Louis O. Brandeis (Olmstead vs. United States)
%
"'Tis true, 'tis pity, and pity 'tis 'tis true."
-- Poloniouius, in Willie the Shake's _Hamlet, Prince of Darkness_

%
"All the people are so happy now, their heads are caving in.  I'm glad they
are a snowman with protective rubber skin" 
-- They Might Be Giants
%
"Indecision is the basis of flexibility"
-- button at a Science Fiction convention.
%
"Sometimes insanity is the only alternative"
-- button at a Science Fiction convention.
%
"Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time."
-- a coffee cup
%
"The most important thing in a man is not what he knows, but what he is."
-- Narciso Yepes
%
"All we are given is possibilities -- to make ourselves one thing or another."
-- Ortega y Gasset
%
"We will be better and braver if we engage and inquire than if we indulge in
the idle fancy that we already know -- or that it is of no use seeking to
know what we do not know."
-- Plato
%
"To undertake a project, as the word's derivation indicates, means to cast an
idea out ahead of oneself so that it gains autonomy and is fulfilled not only
by the efforts of its originator but, indeed, independently of him as well.
-- Czeslaw Milosz
%
"We cannot put off living until we are ready.  The most salient characteristic
of life is its coerciveness; it is always urgent, "here and now," without any
possible postponement.  Life is fired at us point blank."
-- Ortega y Gasset
%
"From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere."
-- Dr. Seuss
%
"When it comes to humility, I'm the greatest."
-- Bullwinkle Moose

%
Remember, an int is not always 16 bits.  I'm not sure, but if the 80386 is one
step closer to Intel's slugfest with the CPU curve that is aymptotically
approaching a real machine, perhaps an int has been implemented as 32 bits by
some Unix vendors...?
-- Derek Terveer
%
"Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything
you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to
insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be,
be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to
insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as 
your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be
yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this
thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen."

Madrak, in _Creatures of Light and Darkness_, by Roger Zelazny
%
"An Academic speculated whether a bather is beautiful
if there is none in the forest to admire her. He hid
in the bushes to find out, which vitiated his premise
but made him happy.
Moral: Empiricism is more fun than speculation."
-- Sam Weber
%
1 1 was a race-horse, 2 2 was 1 2. When 1 1 1 1 race, 2 2 1 1 2.
%
"I figured there was this holocaust, right, and the only ones left alive were
 Donna Reed, Ozzie and Harriet, and the Cleavers."
-- Wil Wheaton explains why everyone in "Star Trek: The Next Generation" 
    is so nice
%
"Engineering meets art in the parking lot and things explode."
-- Garry Peterson, about Survival Research Labs
%
"Why can't we ever attempt to solve a problem in this country without having
a 'War' on it?" -- Rich Thomson, talk.politics.misc
%
      ...and before I knew what I was doing, I had kicked the
      typewriter and threw it around the room and made it beg for
      mercy.  At this point the typewriter pleaded for me to dress
      him in feminine attire but instead I pressed his margin release
      over and over again until the typewriter lost consciousness.
      Presently, I regained consciousness and realized with shame what
      I had done.  My shame is gone and now I am looking for a
      submissive typewriter, any color, or model.  No electric
      typewriters please!
                        --Rick Kleiner
%
Professional wrestling:  ballet for the common man.
%
"An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a
cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup." - H.L. Mencken
%
   "Are those cocktail-waitress fingernail marks?"  I asked Colletti as he
showed us these scratches on his chest.  "No, those are on my back," Colletti
answered.  "This is where a case of cocktail shrimp fell on me.  I told her
to slow down a little, but you know cocktail waitresses, they seem to have
a mind of their own."
-- The Incredibly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs
   National Lampoon, October 1982
%
"Never give in.  Never give in.  Never. Never. Never."
-- Winston Churchill
%
"Never ascribe to malice that which is caused by greed and ignorance."
-- Cal Keegan
%
"Despite its suffix, skepticism is not an "ism" in the sense of a belief
or dogma.  It is simply an approach to the problem of telling what is
counterfeit and what is genuine.  And a recognition of how costly it may
be to fail to do so.  To be a skeptic is to cultivate "street smarts" in
the battle for control of one's own mind, one's own money, one'w own
allegiances.  To be a skeptic, in short, is to refuse to be a victim.
-- Robert S. DeBear, "An Agenda for Reason, Realism, and Responsibility,"
 New York Skeptic (newsletter of the New York Area Skeptics, Inc.), Spring 1988
%
"If you want to know what happens to you when you die, go look at some dead
stuff."
-- Dave Enyeart
%
"After one week [visiting Austria] I couldn't wait to go back to the United 
States.  Everything was much more pleasant in the United States, because of
the mentality of being open-minded, always positive.  Everything you want to
do in Europe is just, 'No way.  No one has ever done it.'  They haven't any
more the desire to go out to conquer and achieve -- I realized that I had much
more the American spirit."
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger
%
"I prefer rogues to imbeciles, because they sometimes take a rest."
-- Alexandre Dumas (fils)
%
	Well, punk is kind of anti-ethical, anyway.  Its ethics, so to speak,
include a disdain for ethics in general.  If you have to think about some-
thing so hard, then it's bullshit anyway; that's the idea.  Punks are anti-
ismists, to coin a term.  But nonetheless, they have a pretty clearly defined
stance and image, and THAT is what we hang the term `punk' on.
-- Jeff G. Bone
%
	I think for the most part that the readership here uses the c-word in
a similar fashion.  I don't think anybody really believes in a new, revolution-
ary literature --- I think they use `cyberpunk' as a term of convenience to
discuss the common stylistic elements in a small subset of recent sf books.
-- Jeff G. Bone
%
	So we get to my point.  Surely people around here read things that
aren't on the *Officially Sanctioned Cyberpunk Reading List*.  Surely we
don't (any of us) really believe that there is some big, deep political and
philosophical message in all this, do we?  So if this `cyberpunk' thing is
just a term of convenience, how can somebody sell out?  If cyberpunk is just a
word we use to describe a particular style and imagery in sf, how can it be
dead?  Where are the profound statements that the `Movement' is or was trying
to make?
	I think most of us are interested in examining and discussing literary
(and musical) works that possess a certain stylistic excellence and perhaps a
rather extreme perspective; this is what CP is all about, no?  Maybe there 
should be a newsgroup like, say, alt.postmodern or somthing.  Something less
restrictive in scope than alt.cyberpunk.
-- Jeff G. Bone
%
"Everyone's head is a cheap movie show."
-- Jeff G. Bone
%
Life is full of concepts that are poorly defined.  In fact, there are very few 
concepts that aren't.  It's hard to think of any in non-technical fields.  
-- Daniel Kimberg
%
...cyberpunk wants to see the mind as mechanistic & duplicable,
challenging basic assumptions about the nature of individuality & self.
That seems all the better reason to assume that cyberpunk art & music is
essentially mindless garbagio. Willy certainly addressed this idea in
"Count Zero," with Katatonenkunst, the automatic box-maker and the girl's
observation that the real art was the building of the machine itself, 
rather than its output.
-- Eliot Handelman
%
It might be worth reflecting that this group was originally created
back in September of 1987 and has exchanged over 1200 messages.  The
original announcement for the group called for an all inclusive
discussion ranging from the writings of Gibson and Vinge and movies
like Bladerunner to real world things like Brands' description of the
work being done at the MIT Media Lab.  It was meant as a haven for
people with vision of this scope.  If you want to create a haven for
people with narrower visions, feel free.  But I feel sad for anyone
who thinks that alt.cyberpunk is such a monstrous group that it is in
dire need of being subdivided.  Heaven help them if they ever start
reading comp.arch or rec.arts.sf-lovers.
-- Bob Webber
%
...I don't care for the term 'mechanistic'. The word 'cybernetic' is a lot
more apropos. The mechanistic world-view is falling further and further behind
the real world where even simple systems can produce the most marvellous
chaos. 
-- Peter da Silva
%
As for the basic assumptions about individuality and self, this is the core
of what I like about cyberpunk. And it's the core of what I like about certain
pre-gibson neophile techie SF writers that certain folks here like to put
down. Not everyone makes the same assumptions. I haven't lost my mind... it's
backed up on tape.
-- Peter da Silva
%
Who are the artists in the Computer Graphics Show?  Wavefront's latest box, or 
the people who programmed it?  Should Mandelbrot get all the credit for the 
output of programs like MandelVroom?
-- Peter da Silva
%
Trailing Edge Technologies is pleased to announce the following
TETflame programme:

1) For a negotiated price (no quatloos accepted) one of our flaming
   representatives will flame the living shit out of the poster of
   your choice. The price is inversly proportional to how much of
   an asshole the target it. We cannot be convinced to flame Dennis
   Ritchie. Matt Crawford flames are free.

2) For a negotiated price (same arrangement) the TETflame programme
   is offering ``flame insurence''. Under this arrangement, if
   one of our policy holders is flamed, we will cancel the offending
   article and flame the flamer, to a crisp.

3) The TETflame flaming representatives include: Richard Sexton, Oleg
   Kisalev, Diane Holt, Trish O'Tauma, Dave Hill, Greg Nowak and our most
   recent aquisition, Keith Doyle. But all he will do is put you in his
   kill file. Weemba by special arrangement.

-- Richard Sexton
%
"As I was walking among the fires of Hell, delighted with the enjoyments of
 Genius; which to Angels look like torment and insanity.  I collected some of
 their Proverbs..." - Blake, "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell"

%
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 1

proof by example:
	The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it 
	contains most of the ideas of the general proof.

proof by intimidation:
	'Trivial'.

proof by vigorous handwaving:
	Works well in a classroom or seminar setting.
%
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 2

proof by cumbersome notation:
	Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special
	symbols.

proof by exhaustion:
	An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful.

proof by omission:
	'The reader may easily supply the details'
	'The other 253 cases are analogous'
	'...' 

%
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 3

proof by obfuscation:
	A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless 
	syntactically related statements.

proof by wishful citation:
	The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of 
	a theorem from the literature to support his claims.

proof by funding:
	How could three different government agencies be wrong?

proof by eminent authority:
	'I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-
	complete.' 

%
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 4

proof by personal communication:
	'Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete 
	[Karp, personal communication].' 

proof by reduction to the wrong problem:
	'To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is 
	decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem.' 

proof by reference to inaccessible literature:
	The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found 
	in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian 
	Philological Society, 1883.

proof by importance:
	A large body of useful consequences all follow from the 
	proposition in question.
%
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 5

proof by accumulated evidence:
	Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample.

proof by cosmology:
	The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or 
	meaningless. Popular for proofs of the existence of God.

proof by mutual reference:
	In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in 
	reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in 
	reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in 
	reference A.

proof by metaproof:
	A method is given to construct the desired proof. The 
	correctness of the method is proved by any of these 
	techniques.
%
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 6

proof by picture:
	A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well 
	with proof by omission.

proof by vehement assertion:
	It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the 
	audience.

proof by ghost reference:
	Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in 
	the reference given.

%
			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 7
proof by forward reference:
	Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, 
	which is often not as forthcoming as at first.

proof by semantic shift:
	Some of the standard but inconvenient definitions are changed 
	for the statement of the result.

proof by appeal to intuition:
	Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here.
%
        [May one] doubt whether, in cheese and timber, worms are generated,
        or, if beetles and wasps, in cow-dung, or if butterflies, locusts,
        shellfish, snails, eels, and such life be procreated of putrefied
        matter, which is to receive the form of that creature to which it
        is by formative power disposed[?]  To question this is to question
        reason, sense, and experience.  If he doubts this, let him go to
        Egypt, and there he will find the fields swarming with mice begot
        of the mud of the Nylus, to the great calamity of the inhabitants.
                A seventeenth century opinion quoted by L. L. Woodruff,
                in *The Evolution of Earth and Man*, 1929
%
Seen on a button at an SF Convention:
Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force.  1990-1951.
-- 
-- uunet!sugar!karl  | "We've been following your progress with considerable 
-- karl@sugar.uu.net |  interest, not to say contempt."  -- Zaphod Beeblebrox IV
-- Usenet BBS (713) 438-5018


From karl@sugar.hackercorp.com Sat Apr 29 10:46:20 1989
From: karl@sugar.hackercorp.com (Karl Lehenbauer)
Subject: Fortune cookie file, part 07 of 06

Below is the latest addition to my fortune cookie file, 40212 bytes of mirth
and merriment.  

This file contains a lot of quotes from peoples' postings on Usenet.  After I 
had been doing this a while, I began including their net addresses as well.

Enjoy, or hit 'n'...

-------------------- cut it here, dude ------------------------------
%
"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
then we are a sorry lot indeed."
-- Albert Einstein
%
"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, which is
the exact opposite."
-- Bertrand Russell, _Sceptical_Essays_, 1928
%
"Were there no women, men might live like gods."
-- Thomas Dekker
%
"Intelligence without character is a dangerous thing."
-- G. Steinem
%
"It says he made us all to be just like him.  So if we're dumb, then god is
dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."
-- Frank Zappa
%
"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."
-- Cal Keegan
%
"Let me guess, Ed.  Pentescostal, right?"
-- Starcap'n Ra, ra@asuvax.asu.edu

"Nope.  Charismatic (I think - I've given up on what all those pesky labels
 mean)."
-- Ed Carp, erc@unisec.usi.com

"Same difference - all zeal and feel, averaging less than one working brain 
cell per congregation. Starcap'n Ra, you pegged him.  Good work!"
-- Kenn Barry, barry@eos.UUCP
%
"BTW, does Jesus know you flame?"
-- Diane Holt, dianeh@binky.UUCP, to Ed Carp
%
"I've seen the forgeries I've sent out."
-- John F. Haugh II (jfh@rpp386.Dallas.TX.US), about forging net news articles
%
"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
 of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"
-- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
%
"Bite off, dirtball."
Richard Sexton, richard@gryphon.COM
%
"Oh my!  An `inflammatory attitude' in alt.flame?  Never heard of such
a thing..."
-- Allen Gwinn, allen@sulaco.Sigma.COM
%
(null cookie; hope that's ok)
%
"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality
at any point."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
"Who alone has reason to *lie himself out* of actuality?  He who *suffers*
 from it."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
"You who hate the Jews so, why did you adopt their religion?"
-- Friedrich Nietzsche, addressing anti-semitic Christians
%
"Little prigs and three-quarter madmen may have the conceit that the laws of 
nature are constantly broken for their sakes."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
"Science makes godlike -- it is all over with priests and gods when man becomes
 scientific.  Moral:  science is the forbidden as such -- it alone is 
 forbidden.  Science is the *first* sin, the *original* sin.  *This alone is
 morality.* ``Thou shalt not know'' -- the rest follows."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
"Faith:  not *wanting* to know what is true."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
>One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative.

Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
-- Chuq Von Rospach, chuq@Apple.COM 
%
"Every group has a couple of experts.  And every group has at least one idiot.
 Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained.  It's sometimes hard
 to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all of the hassle and
 pain is generally caused by one or two highly-motivated, caustic twits."
-- Chuq Von Rospach, chuq@apple.com, about Usenet
%
Backed up the system lately?
%
"It doesn't much signify whom one marries for one is sure to find out next 
morning it was someone else."
-- Rogers
%
"If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry."
-- Chekhov
%
"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with 
the ideal never goes unpunished."
-- Goethe
%
"In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved."
-- Butler
%
"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, `What does 
woman want?'"
-- Sigmund Freud
%
"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension."
-- Mandelbrot, _The Fractal Geometry of Nature_
%
"I have recently been examining all the known superstitions of the world,
 and do not find in our particular superstition (Christianity) one redeeming
 feature.  They are all alike founded on fables and mythology."
-- Thomas Jefferson
%
Remember:  Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
-- Dave Butler
%
"The preeminence of a learned man over a worshiper is equal to the preeminence
of the moon, at the night of the full moon, over all the stars.  Verily, the
learned men are the heirs of the Prophets."
-- A tradition attributed to Muhammad
%
"The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity."
-- Edward Gibbons, _The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire_
%
"The question is rather: if we ever succeed in making a mind 'of nuts and
bolts', how will we know we have succeeded?
-- Fergal Toomey

"It will tell us."
-- Barry Kort
%
"Inquiry is fatal to certainty."
-- Will Durant
%
"The Mets were great in 'sixty eight,
 The Cards were fine in 'sixty nine,
 But the Cubs will be heavenly in nineteen and seventy."
-- Ernie Banks
%
"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], 'Pray, Mr. 
Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
come out?'  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas 
that could provoke such a question."
-- Charles Babbage
%
"I call Christianity the *one* great curse, the *one* great intrinsic 
depravity, the *one* great instinct for revenge for which no expedient
is sufficiently poisonous, secret, subterranean, *petty* -- I call it
the *one* mortal blemish of mankind."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
"The fundamental purpose animating the Faith of God and His Religion is to
safeguard the interests and promote the unity of the human race, and to foster
the spirit of love and fellowship amongst men. Suffer it not to become a source
of dissension and discord, of hate and enmity."

"Religion is verily the chief instrument for the establishment of order in the
 world and of tranquillity amongst it's peoples...The greater the decline of
 religion, the more grievous the waywardness of the ungodly. This cannot but
 lead in the end to chaos and confusion."
-- Baha'u'llah, a selection from the Baha'i scripture
%
"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
-- Blair Houghton
%
"...one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
their C programs."
-- Robert Firth
%
Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.  What
should I do?

A: Post the correct answer at once!  We can't have people go on believing
that!  Very good of you to spot this.  You'll probably be the only one to
make the correction, so post as soon as you can.  No time to lose, so
certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if somebody else has made the
correction.

And it's not good enough to send the message by mail.  Since you're the
only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform
the whole net right away!

-- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_
%
Q: How can I choose what groups to post in?  ...
Q: How about an example?

A: Ok.  Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from the
Oilers to the Kings.  Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
would be enough.  WRONG.  Many more people might be interested.  This is a
big trade!  Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
as well.  If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
news.admin.  If not, use news.misc.

The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.  He is
a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
interested in stars.  Next, his name is Polish sounding.  So post to
soc.culture.polish.  But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
news.groups suggesting it should be created.  With this many groups of
interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
well.  (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)

You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each group.
If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders will
only show the the article to the reader once!  Don't tolerate this.
-- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_
%
Q: I cant spell worth a dam.  I hope your going too tell me what to do?

A: Don't worry about how your articles look.  Remember it's the message
that counts, not the way it's presented.  Ignore the fact that sloppy
spelling in a purely written forum sends out the same silent messages that
soiled clothing would when addressing an audience.

-- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_
%
Q: They just announced on the radio that Dan Quayle was picked as the
Republican V.P. candidate.  Should I post?

A: Of course.  The net can reach people in as few as 3 to 5 days.  It's
the perfect way to inform people about such news events long after the
broadcast networks have covered them.  As you are probably the only person
to have heard the news on the radio, be sure to post as soon as you can.

-- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_
%
What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?

A Dan Quayle watch.

-- heard from a Mike Dukakis field worker
%
Q:  What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer
    salesman?

A:  The car salesman can probably drive!

-- Joan McGalliard (jem@latcs1.oz.au)
%
"Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
-- Dave Mack (mack@inco.UUCP)

"Yours is."
-- Allen Gwinn (allen@sulaco.sigma.com), in alt.flame
%
A selection from the Taoist Writings:

"Lao-Tan asked Confucius: `What do you mean by benevolence and righteousness?'
 Confucius said:  `To be in one's inmost heart in kindly sympathy with all 
 things; to love all men and allow no selfish thoughts: this is the nature
 of benevolence and righteousness.'"
-- Kwang-tzu
%
"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!"
-- Daniel Hinojosa (hinojosa@hp-sdd)
%
"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator."
-- Claude Shouse (shouse@macomw.ARPA)

"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist."
-- Joseph C. Wang (joe@athena.mit.edu)
%
"Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence, it will
fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines."
-- Bertrand Russell
%
"Lying lips are abomination to the Lord; but they that deal truly are his 
 delight.
 A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
 He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto
 him.
 Be not a witness against thy neighbor without cause; and deceive not with 
 thy lips.
 Death and life are in the power of the tongue."
-- Proverbs, some selections from the Jewish Scripture
%
"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." 
-- Matt Cartmill
%
Heisengberg might have been here.
%
"Any excuse will serve a tyrant."
-- Aesop
%
"Experience has proved that some people indeed know everything."
-- Russell Baker
%
How many Zen Buddhist does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.  One to change it and one not to change it.
%
"I prefer the blunted cudgels of the followers of the Serpent God."
-- Sean Doran the Younger
%
"If I do not want others to quote me, I do not speak."  
-- Phil Wayne
%
"my terminal is a lethal teaspoon."
-- Patricia O Tuama
%
"I am ... a woman ... and ... technically a parasitic uterine growth"
-- Sean Doran the Younger [allegedly]
%
"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time
someone writes `bible thumpers?'
-- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu
%
"Money is the root of all money."
-- the moving finger
%
"...Greg Nowak:  `Another flame from greg' - need I say more?"
-- Jonathan D. Trudel, trudel@caip.rutgers.edu

"No.  You need to say less."
-- Richard Sexton, richard@gryphon.COM
%
"And it's my opinion, and that's only my opinion, you are a lunatic.  Just
because there are a few hunderd other people sharing your lunacy with you
does not make you any saner.  Doomed, eh?"
-- Oleg Kiselev,oleg@CS.UCLA.EDU
%
"Obedience.  A religion of slaves.  A religion of intellectual death.  I like
it.  Don't ask questions, don't think, obey the Word of the Lord -- as it
has been conveniently brought to you by a man in a Rolls with a heavy Rolex
on his wrist.  I like that job!  Where can I sign up?"
-- Oleg Kiselev,oleg@CS.UCLA.EDU
%
"Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is to a 
cockatoo."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
"Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and 
those inside desperate to get out."
-- Montaigne
%
"For a male and female to live continuously together is...  biologically 
speaking, an extremely unnatural condition."
-- Robert Briffault
%
"Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it."
-- Baskins
%
A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.
%
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
%
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  Second marriage is 
the triumph of hope over experience.
%
"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."
-- G. Fitch
%
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
-- Mark Twain
%
"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder have 
 included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.  This 
 technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's reign.  My 
 carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat.  Better go by some more."
-- timw@zeb.USWest.COM, in alt.conspiracy
%
"If there isn't a population problem, why is the government putting cancer in 
the cigarettes?"
-- the elder Steptoe, c. 1970
%
"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:  Pour a little
 Lavoris in the toilet."
-- Comedian Jay Leno
%
"Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like
 `Psychic Wins Lottery.'"
-- Comedian Jay Leno
%
"Well hello there Charlie Brown, you blockhead."
-- Lucy Van Pelt
%
"Time is an illusion.  Lunchtime doubly so."
-- Ford Prefect, _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_
%
"Ignorance is the soil in which belief in miracles grows."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%
"Let every man teach his son, teach his daughter, that labor is honorable."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%
"I have not the slightest confidence in 'spiritual manifestations.'"
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%
"It is hard to overstate the debt that we owe to men and women of genius."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%
"Joy is wealth and love is the legal tender of the soul."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%
"The hands that help are better far than the lips that pray."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
%
"It is the creationists who blasphemously are claiming that God is cheating
 us in a stupid way."
-- J. W. Nienhuys
%
"No, no, I don't mind being called the smartest man in the world.  I just wish 
 it wasn't this one."
-- Adrian Veidt/Ozymandias, WATCHMEN 
%
"Be *excellent* to each other."
-- Bill, or Ted, in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
%
The Seventh Edition licensing procedures are, I suppose, still in effect, 
though I doubt that tapes are available from AT&T.  At any rate, whatever 
restrictions the license imposes still exist.  These restrictions were and 
are reasonable for places that just want to run the system, but don't allow 
many of the things that Minix was written for, like study of the source in 
classes, or by individuals not in a university or company.

I've always thought that Minix was a fine idea, and competently done.

As for the size of v7, wc -l /usr/sys/*/*.[chs] is 19271.

-- Dennis Ritchie, 1989
%
"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it." -- Alex Schure
%
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips
 over, pinning you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come."
--Matt Groening
%
"I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
-- Woody Allen
%
"The Street finds its own uses for technology."
-- William Gibson
%
"I see little divinity about them or you.  You talk to me of Christianity
when you are in the act of hanging your enemies.  Was there ever such
blasphemous nonsense!"
-- Shaw, "The Devil's Disciple"
%
"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but
only for a limited period of time.  Why should we think that collectively,
as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"
-- Ronald Reagan
%
"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental effort,
he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable perversion."
-- Mick Farren, _When Gravity Fails_
%
"Conversion, fastidious Goddess, loves blood better than brick, and feasts
most subtly on the human will."
-- Virginia Woolf, "Mrs. Dalloway"
%
It's time to boot, do your boot ROMs know where your disk controllers are?
%
"What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying."
-- Nikita Khrushchev
%
"...a most excellent barbarian ... Genghis Kahn!"
-- _Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure_
%
"Pull the trigger and you're garbage."
-- Lady Blue
%
"Oh what wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face..."
-- a prisoner in "Life of Brian"
%
"Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
of him that brought her birth."
-- Milton
%
"If you can't debate me, then there is no way in hell you'll out-insult me."
-- Scott Legrand (Scott.Legrand@hogbbs.Fidonet.Org)

"You may be wrong here, little one."
-- R. W. F. Clark (RWC102@PSUVM)
%
	"Yes, I am a real piece of work.  One thing we learn at Ulowell is
 how to flame useless hacking non-EE's like you.  I am superior to you in 
 every way by training and expertise in the technical field.  Anyone can learn
 how to hack, but Engineering doesn't come nearly as easily.  Actually, I'm 
 not trying to offend all you CS majors out there, but I think EE is one of the
 hardest majors/grad majors to pass.  Fortunately, I am making it."
-- "Warrior Diagnostics" (wardiag@sky.COM)

"Being both an EE and an asshole at the same time must be a terrible burden
 for you.  This isn't really a flame, just a casual observation.  Makes me
 glad I was a CS major, life is really pleasant for me.  Have fun with your 
 chosen mode of existence!"
-- Jim Morrison (morrisj@mist.cs.orst.edu)
%
"BYTE editors are men who seperate the wheat from the chaff, and then
 print the chaff."
-- Lionel Hummel (uiucdcs!hummel), derived from a quote by Adlai Stevenson, Sr.
%
		     THE "FUN WITH USENET" MANIFESTO
Very little happens on Usenet without some sort of response from some other 
reader.  Fun With Usenet postings are no exception.  Since there are some who 
might question the rationale of some of the excerpts included therein, I have 
written up a list of guidelines that sum up the philosophy behind these 
postings.

	One.  I never cut out words in the middle of a quote without a VERY 
good reason, and I never cut them out without including ellipses.  For 
instance, "I am not a goob" might become "I am ... a goob", but that's too 
mundane to bother with.  "I'm flame proof" might (and has) become 
"I'm ...a... p...oof" but that's REALLY stretching it.

	Two.  If I cut words off the beginning or end of a quote, I don't
put ellipses, but neither do I capitalize something that wasn't capitalized
before the cut. "I don't think that the Church of Ubizmo is a wonderful
place" would turn into "the Church of Ubizmo is a wonderful place".  Imagine
the posting as a tape-recording of the poster's thoughts.  If I can set
up the quote via fast-forwarding and stopping the tape, and without splicing,
I don't put ellipses in.  And by the way, I love using this mechanism for
turning things around.  If you think something stinks, say so - don't say you
don't think it's wonderful.   ...
-- D. J. McCarthy (dmccart@cadape.UUCP)
%
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
saftey deserve neither liberty not saftey."
-- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
%
"I am, therefore I am."
-- Akira
%
"Stan and I thought that this experiment was so stupid, we decided to finance 
 it ourselves."
-- Martin Fleischmann, co-discoverer of room-temperature fusion (?)
%
"I have more information in one place than anybody in the world."  
-- Jerry Pournelle, an absurd notion, apparently about the BIX BBS
%
"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts."
-- John Wooden
%
#define BITCOUNT(x)	(((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
#define  BX_(x)		((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777)			\
			     - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333)			\
			     - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))

-- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
%
"If you can write a nation's stories, you needn't worry about who makes its 
 laws.  Today, television tells most of the stories to most of the people 
 most of the time."
-- George Gerbner
%
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists
 in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all progress depends on 
 the unreasonable man."
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
"We want to create puppets that pull their own strings."
-- Ann Marion

"Would this make them Marionettes?"
-- Jeff Daiell
%
On the subject of C program indentation:
"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented
 six feet downward and covered with dirt."
-- Blair P. Houghton
%
There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which, in
one way or another, almost every member of the team passed.  The term that
the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the practice --
was `signing up.'  By signing up for the project you agreed to do whatever
was necessary for success.  You agreed to forsake, if necessary, family,
hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left (and you might not, if
you had signed up too many times before).
-- Tracy Kidder, _The Soul of a New Machine_
%
"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
to suspect "Hungry."
-- a Larson cartoon
%
"But don't you see, the color of wine in a crystal glass can be spiritual.
 The look in a face, the music of a violin.  A Paris theater can be infused
 with the spiritual for all its solidity."
 -- Lestat, _The Vampire Lestat_, Anne Rice
%
"Love your country but never trust its government."
-- from a hand-painted road sign in central Pennsylvania
%
      I bought the latest computer;
      it came fully loaded.
      It was guaranteed for 90 days,
      but in 30 was outmoded!
        - The Wall Street Journal passed along by Big Red Computer's SCARLETT
%
To update Voltaire, "I may kill all msgs from you, but I'll fight for 
your right to post it, and I'll let it reside on my disks". 
-- Doug Thompson (doug@isishq.FIDONET.ORG)
%
"Though a program be but three lines long,
someday it will have to be maintained."
-- The Tao of Programming
%
"Turn on, tune up, rock out."
-- Billy Gibbons
%
         EARTH          
     smog  |   bricks  
 AIR  --  mud  --  FIRE
soda water |   tequila 
         WATER        
%
"Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix.  Everyone knows power tools aren't
soluble in alcohol..."
-- Crazy Nigel
%
"Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all...."
-- Thomas J. Kopp
%
"There is no Father Christmas.  It's just a marketing ploy 
to make low income parents' lives a misery."
"... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child,
streaked with tears because of what you just said."
"I want you to picture the face of its mother, because one
week's dole won't pay for one Master of the Universe
Battlecruiser!"
- Filthy Rich and Catflap, 1986.
%
   n = ((n >>  1) & 0x55555555) | ((n <<  1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
   n = ((n >>  2) & 0x33333333) | ((n <<  2) & 0xcccccccc);
   n = ((n >>  4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n <<  4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
   n = ((n >>  8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n <<  8) & 0xff00ff00);
   n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);

-- Yet another mystical 'C' gem. This one reverses the bits in a word.
%
"All over the place, from the popular culture to the propaganda system, there is
constant pressure to make people feel that they are helpless, that the only role
they can have is to ratify decisions and to consume."
-- Noam Chomsky
%
"A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple
system that worked."
-- John Gall, _Systemantics_
%
"In my opinion, Richard Stallman wouldn't recognise terrorism if it
came up and bit him on his Internet."
-- Ross M. Greenberg
%
I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments of 
others, and all positive assertion of my own.  I even forbade myself the use 
of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, 
such as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc.   I adopted instead of them "I 
conceive", "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it 
appears to me at present".

When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied myself the 
pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him immediately some 
absurdity in his proposition.  In answering I began by observing that in 
certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present
case there appeared or semed to me some difference, etc.

I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I 
engaged in went on more pleasantly.  The modest way in which I proposed my 
opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.  I had 
less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily 
prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I 
happened to be in the right.
-- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
%
"If I ever get around to writing that language depompisifier, it will change
almost all occurences of the word "paradigm" into "example" or "model."
-- Herbie Blashtfalt
%
"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
-- Marvin the paranoid android
%
Contemptuous lights flashed flashed across the computer's console.
-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%
"There must be some mistake," he said, "are you not a greater computer than
the Milliard Gargantubrain which can count all the atoms in a star in a
millisecond?"
"The Milliard Gargantubrain?" said Deep Thought with unconcealed contempt.
"A mere abacus.  Mention it not."
-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%
"But are you not," he said, "a more fiendish disputant than the Great Hyperlobic
Omni-Cognate Neutron Wrangler of Ciceronicus Twelve, the Magic and 
Indefatigable?"

"The Great Hyperlobic Omni-Cognate Neutron Wrangler," said Deep Thought,
thoroughly rolling the r's, "could talk all four legs off an Arcturan
Mega-Donkey -- but only I could persuade it to go for a walk afterward."
-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, Jolt Cola
would be a Fortune-500 company.

If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, you'd be
able to buy a nice little colonial split-level at Babbages for $34.95.

If programmers wrote programs the way builders build buildings, we'd still
be using autocoder and running compile decks.

-- Peter da Silva and Karl Lehenbauer, a different perspective
%
To err is human, to moo bovine.
%
"America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort."
-- President John F. Kennedy
%
"The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so."
-- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
%
"The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
>from time to time threaten freedoms everyhere... Indeed, it is difficult
to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
by the majority they were at the time."
-- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
%
"The strength of the Constitution lies entirely in the determination of each
citizen to defend it.  Only if every single citizen feels duty bound to do
his share in this defense are the constitutional rights secure."
-- Albert Einstein
%
"Well I don't see why I have to make one man miserable when I can make so many 
men happy."
-- Ellyn Mustard, about marriage
%
"And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing what 
the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions."
-- David Jones @ Megatest Corporation
%
"Luke, I'm yer father, eh.  Come over to the dark side, you hoser."
-- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
%
"Let's not be too tough on our own ignorance.  It's the thing that makes
 America great.  If America weren't incomparably ignorant, how could we
 have tolerated the last eight years?"
-- Frank Zappa, Feb 1, 1989
%
"The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and
Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases.
"For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question 'How can
we eat?' the second by the question 'Why do we eat?' and the third by
the question 'Where shall we have lunch?'"
-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%
"Don't think; let the machine do it for you!"
-- E. C. Berkeley
%
"It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
 which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
 insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
than be the instrument of his army's downfall."
-- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
%
"(The Chief Programmer) personally defines the functional and performance
 specifications, designs the program, codes it, tests it, and writes its
 documentation... He needs great talent, ten years experience and
 considerable systems and applications knowledge, whether in applied
 mathematics, business data handling, or whatever."
-- Fred P. Brooks, _The Mythical Man Month_
%
"It ain't over until it's over."
-- Casey Stengel
%
"If anything can go wrong, it will."
-- Edsel Murphy
%
"Yo baby yo baby yo."
-- Eddie Murphy
%
"You must learn to run your kayak by a sort of ju-jitsu.  You must learn to
 tell what the river will do to you, and given those parameters see how you
 can live with it.  You must absorb its force and convert it to your users
 as best you can.  Even with the quickness and agility of a kayak, you are
 not faster than the river, nor stronger, and you can beat it only by
 understanding it."
-- Strung, Curtis and Perry, _Whitewater_
%
Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
	1. They want it quick.
	2. They want it good.
	3. They want it cheap.
I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
-- sign on the back wall of a small printing company in Delaware
%
"More software projects have gone awry for lack of calendar time than for all
 other causes combined."
-- Fred Brooks, Jr., _The Mythical Man Month_
%
panic: kernel trap (ignored)
%
"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
"Remember, extremism in the nondefense of moderation is not a virtue."
-- Peter Neumann, about usenet
%
"We dedicated ourselves to a powerful idea -- organic law rather than naked
 power.  There seems to be universal acceptance of that idea in the nation."
-- Supreme Court Justice Potter Steart
%
"What man has done, man can aspire to do."
-- Jerry Pournelle, about space flight
%
"Well, it don't make the sun shine, but at least it don't deepen the shit."
-- Straiter Empy, in _Riddley_Walker_ by Russell Hoban
%
"If you can, help others.  If you can't, at least don't hurt others."
-- the Dalai Lama
%
To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide a
test load.
%
"Just think, with VLSI we can have 100 ENIACS on a chip!"
-- Alan Perlis
%
"...Local prohibitions cannot block advances in military and commercial
 technology... Democratic movements for local restraint can only restrain
 the world's democracies, not the world as a whole."
-- K. Eric Drexler
%
"The rotter who simpers that he sees no difference between a five-dollar bill 
and a whip deserves to learn the difference on his own back -- as, I think, he 
will."
-- Francisco d'Anconia, in Ayn Rand's _Atlas Shrugged_
%
"If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and
 the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will
 lose that, too."
-- W. Somerset Maugham
%
"Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don't know why I bother
 to say it, oh God, I'm so depressed.  Here's another of those self-satisfied
 doors.  Life!  Don't talk to me about life."
-- Marvin the Paranoid Android
%
One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't understand
hat was going on, and really being genuinely stupid.  He was reknowned for 
being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the time, which
obviously worried him, hence the act.  He preferred people to be puzzled
rather than contemptuous.  This above all appeared to Trillian to be
genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
-- Douglas Adams, _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_
%
Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.

Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space.  In those days, spirits
were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
from Alpha Centauri.  And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
was the Empire forged.
-- Douglas Adams, _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_
%
"Gort, klaatu nikto barada."
-- The Day the Earth Stood Still
%
> From MAILER-DAEMON@Think.COM Thu Mar  2 13:59:11 1989
> Subject: Returned mail: unknown mailer error 255

"Dale, your address no longer functions.  Can you fix it at your end?"
-- Bill Wolfe (wtwolfe@hubcap.clemson.edu)

"Bill, Your brain no longer functions.  Can you fix it at your end?"
-- Karl A. Nyberg (nyberg@ajpo.sei.cmu.edu)
%
"Don't drop acid, take it pass-fail!"
-- Bryan Michael Wendt
%
"I got a question for ya.  Ya got a minute?"
-- two programmers passing in the hall
%
I took a fish head to the movies and I didn't have to pay.
-- Fish Heads, Saturday Night Live, 1977.
%
What hath Bob wrought?
%
"I don't know where we come from,
 Don't know where we're going to,
 And if all this should have a reason,
 We would be the last to know.

 So let's just hope there is a promised land,
 And until then,
 ...as best as you can."
-- Steppenwolf, "Rock Me Baby"
%
"Help Mr. Wizard!"
-- Tennessee Tuxedo
%
"The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance.
 He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him.
 But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are
 given to administer we presently imagine we own."
-- H.G. Wells
%
"Unlike most net.puritans, however, I feel that what OTHER consenting computers
 do in the privacy of their own phone connections is their own business."
-- John Woods, jfw@eddie.mit.edu
%
"Don't talk to me about disclaimers!  I invented disclaimers!"
-- The Censored Hacker
%
'On this point we want to be perfectly clear: socialism has nothing to do
with equalizing.  Socialism cannot ensure conditions of life and 
consumption in accordance with the principle "From each according to his 
ability, to each according to his needs."  This will be under communism.
Socialism has a different criterion for distributing social benefits:
"From each according to his ability, to each according to his work."'
-- Mikhail Gorbachev, _Perestroika_
%
"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."
-- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
[apparently, good TV reception is a basic necessity -- at least in Tucson  -kl]
%
"All the system's paths must be topologically and circularly interrelated for 
 conceptually definitive, locally transformable, polyhedronal understanding to 
 be attained in our spontaneous -- ergo, most economical -- geodesiccally 
 structured thoughts."
-- R. Buckminster Fuller [...and a total nonsequitur as far as I can tell.  -kl]
%
"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
 sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
 terror."
-- W. K. Hartmann
%
"It's when they say 2 + 2 = 5 that I begin to argue."
-- Eric Pepke
%
Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a
pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
-- David Guaspari
%
"None of our men are "experts."  We have most unfortunately found it necessary 
to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one 
ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job.  A man who knows a 
job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing 
forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient 
he is.  Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a 
state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible."
-- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work," p. 86 (1922):
%
"The NY Times is read by the people who run the country.  The Washington Post
is read by the people who think they run the country.   The National Enquirer
is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country..."
-- Robert J Woodhead (trebor@biar.UUCP)
%
        "...'fire' does not matter, 'earth' and 'air' and 'water' do not
matter.  'I' do not matter.  No word matters.  But man forgets reality
and remembers words.  The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his
fellows esteem him.  He looks upon the great transformations of the
world, but he does not see them as they were seen when man looked upon
reality for the first time.  Their names come to his lips and he smiles
as he tastes them, thinking he knows them in the naming."
-- Siddartha, _Lord_of_Light_ by Roger Zelazny
%
"Irrigation of the land with sewater desalinated by fusion power is ancient.
It's called 'rain'."
-- Michael McClary, in alt.fusion
%
"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by people
 who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried anything."
-- Jim Joyce, former computer science lecturer at the University of California
%
"We scientists, whose tragic destiny it has been to make the methods of
annihilation ever more gruesome and more effective, must consider it our solemn
and transcendent duty to do all in our power in preventing these weapons from
being used for the brutal purpose for which they were invented." 
-- Albert Einstein, Bulletin of Atomic Scientists, September 1948
%
"You can have my Unix system when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers."
-- Cal Keegan
68:
	Do me now and I'll owe you one.
%
71:
	69 with two fingers up your ass.
		-- George Carlin
%
A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica:
	most men know it's there, but few really care.
%
A.A.A.A.A.:
	An organization for drunks who drive.
%
Achilles' Biological Findings:
        (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.  If he
            looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
        (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
            -- the chicken or the egg.  It was undoubtedly the
            rooster.
%
Adam's Law:
	(1)  Women don't know what they want;
	     they don't like what they have got.
	(2)  Men know very well what they want;
	     having got it, they begin to lose interest.
%
Adolescence, n.:
	The stage between puberty and adultery.
%
Adultery:
	Putting yourself in someone else's position.
%
ambition, n:
	An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind.
%
anxiety, n:
	The first time you can't do it a second time.

panic, n:
	The second time you can't do it the first time.
%
Appointment book:
	The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired
	invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is
	December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell
	it was you did during the past year.
%
Arkansas:
	Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared.
%
Ass:
	The masculine of "lass".
%
Bacchus, n.:
	A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
	getting drunk.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Balls' Law:
	The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat
	of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant.
%
Baltimore, n.:
	Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea collars.
%
Baltimore:
	A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
%
beef stroganoff, n:
	A bull masturbating.
%
"Better late than never!":
	The single girl's motto.
%
bi, n:
	When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
%
Big Toe: 
The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva
generally is a magnificent erotic instrument.  The famous gentleman in erotic
prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands,
and both big toes.  Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time
you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits.  Make sure the nail
isn't sharp.  In a restuarant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously
remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm
with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact--
A party trick which really rates as advanced sex.  She has less scope, but
can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes.  The toes are definitely
erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating
results.
		-- The Joy of Sex
		[Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.]
%
BOHICA:
	Bend over, here it comes again.
%
Bondage:
Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up
your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm.  It's
one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting
but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual
feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression --
something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more
because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a
mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive
self to try it.
		-- The Joy of Sex
%
Boston, n.:
	Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
	finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
%
Boston:
	An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
%
British Israelites:
	The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs.  They also
believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
and take all your teeth.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
Brontosaurus Principle:
	Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
	in relation to their environment and to their own physiology:  when
	this occurs, they are an endangered species.
		-- Thomas K. Connellan
%
brunette bush, n:
	The dark side of the moon.
%
cad, n.:
	A man who doesn't tell his wife
	that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
%
California:
	From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or
	Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or
	"fornication." Hence:  Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
		-- Ed Moran, Covina, California
%
callgirl, n:
	A negotiable blonde.
%
Camille's Axiom:
	If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did
	I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching.
%
Chastity belt:
	An anti-trust suit.

	(And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.)
%
Chastity:
	The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
		-- Aldous Huxley
%
Chicago, n.:
	Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
%
Christ:
	A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
%
Christian, n.:
	One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
	book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.  One who
	follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
	with a life of sin.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Christmas:
	A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most
	deeply and sincerely believe in.  Money.  At the mall of our choice.
%
cigarette, n.:
	A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between.
%
Cinderella 10:
	A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and
	then turns into a pizza and a six-pack.
%
Clarke's Third Law:
	Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

G's Third Law:
	In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
	is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.

H's Dictum:
	There is no magic ...
%
Cleveland:
	Where their last tornado did six million dollars worth of improvements.
%
clitoris, n:
	A haired trigger.
%
Cocaine:
	The thinking man's Dristan.
%
cock-sucker, n:
	Someone who got caught doing what you got away with.
%
coitus interruptus, n:
	A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner)
	"I want to have your child."
%
cold, adj.:
	When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
%
cold, adj:
	When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant.
%
Colorado:
	Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
%
computerfirm nymphomaniac, n:
	Hot Apple pie.
%
confusion, n:
	Father's Day in San Francisco.
%
confusion:
	One woman plus one left turn.
excitement:
	Two women plus one secret.
bedlam:
	Three women plus one bargain.
chaos:
	Four women plus one luncheon check.
%
Conservative, n.:
	One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
		-- Leo C. Rosten
%
Conservative, n:
	A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
	from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
continental breakfast, n:
	A roll in bed with some honey.
%
Coors, n:
	Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water.
%
Corrupt, adj.:
	In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
%
courage, n:
	Two cannibals having oral sex.
%
Cox's philosophy:
	Life's a bitch, then you die.
%
coyote love, n:
	Coyote love is a nebulous term.  Basically, what it involves is
	the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles 
	bar.  Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
	on your arm.  So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you 
	chew off your arm at the shoulder.

coyote ugly, adj:
	When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
	a one-armed man!

See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically
as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call.
%
crew, n:
	Eight big men and their cute little cox.
%
Crinklaw's Observation:
	Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed,
	marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence.
%
Dallas:
	The city that chose Astroturf to keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
%
Democracy, n.:
	A government of the masses.  Authority derived through mass meeting
	or any other form of direct expression.  Results in mobocracy.
	Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights.
	Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate,
	whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion,
	prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences.
	Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.
		-- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
		   since withdrawn.
%
Democracy, n:
	In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
		-- Gerald Barry

The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
you don't have to waste your time voting.
		-- Charles Bukowski
%
diaphragm, n:
	A childproof cap.
%
dicker, v:
	What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work.
%
Disclaimer of the Week:
	Any Society Which Requires Disclaimers Has Too Many Goddamn Lawyers.
%
dyke, n:
	A woman who kick-starts her vibrator.  And rolls her own tampons.
%
Elliptical, n.:
	The feel of a kiss.
%
embarrassment, n.:
	Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap.
%
Erogenous zone, n.:
	The skin you touch to love.
%
eternity, n.:
	The length of time between when you come and he leaves.
%
exotic dancer, n.:
	A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.
%
Faith, n:
	That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.
%
Fear, n.:
	What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
%
felt tip, v.:
	Past tense for a breast examination!
%
Female rabbits:
	The gift that just "keeps on giving."
%
female, n.:
	Life support system for a pussy.
%
Feminism, n.:
	A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that
	both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated.
%
First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
	Machines that piss people off get murdered.
		-- Pat Taber
%
First Law of Bicycling:
	No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
%
Flirt, n.:
	A girl whose favorite man is the next one.
%
fornication, n.:
	Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
%
FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #5
	Don't wear your spurs while making love in a waterbed.
%
FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #8
	Don't wear your high heels while making love on the pool table.
%
Frisbeetarianism, n.:
	The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and
	gets stuck.
%
fuck-me-pumps, n.:
	Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather.
The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps.  Shoes with
heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around
them properly.
%
fuckoff, n.:
	The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant.
%
garter, n.:
	An elastic band intended to keep a woman
	from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.
%
gay, adj.:
	Of a man, one who'd rather swish than fight.
%
Georgia:
	Where kinky sex means getting laid.
%
Glee Club groupie, n.:
	A girl into choral sex.
%
God:
	Darwin's chief rival.
%
Goldfish:
Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love
"fish fashion" (ie: no hands).  Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke.
It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind).
Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players
unsupervised, even briefly.  There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in
the movie "Soldier Blue".  A good many women can get an orgasm from this
simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror.
Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be
able to get loose.
		-- The Joy of Sex
%
good scout, n.:
	Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her.
%
Gourmet, n.:
	Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
	revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
	leaving the best part.
%
great lover, n.:
	A man who can breathe through his ears.
%
Gross, adj.:
	When your bloody mary still has the string in it.
%
Gross, adj.:
	When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and slips you some tongue.
%
Gynecologist, n.:
	Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails.
%
Haggis, n.:
	Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
	considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
	consumption.  The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
	other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled
	in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute
	...
%
Hall's Laws of Politics:
	(1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
	(2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
	    something fixed.
	(3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
	    military spending, and conservatives social spending in
	    their own districts).
%
Handel's Proverb:
	You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
%
Handy hint:
	A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute when you're out of tampons.
%
happiness, n.:
	Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
%
happiness, n.:
	Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative.
%
Hartley's Second Law:
	Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

My corollary:
	The completely psychotic have all the fun.
%
Harvard Law:
	Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
	temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
	organism will do as it damn well pleases.
%
hell, n.:
	Truth seen too late.
%
henpecked husband, n.:
	One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile.
%
hermit, n.:
	A man who'd rather get off by himself.
%
herpes, n.:
	The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive.
	Much better.
%
high technology, n.:
	A California innovation composed of equal parts of silicon and
	marijuana.
%
honor, n.:
	Almost as good as in 'er.
%
horny, adj.:
	When your cock gets hard if the wind blows.
%
hypocrite, n.:
	A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy.
%
Impossible, adj.:
	(1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
	(2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered.  Meaning (3) may
	perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
		-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
%
impotent loser, n.:
	Someone who can't even get his hopes up.
%
Incest, n:
	Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy.
%
Infatuation, n:
	When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
	When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.
%
Infidel:
	In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion;
	in Constantinople, one who does.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
innunendo, n.:
	Italian enema.
%
irony, n.:
	A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
	a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
%
Japan, n:
	A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
	create electronic equipment and computers using black magic.  It
	is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
	paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
	which they are harvested by the happy natives.
%
Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics:
	Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull
	over to the side of the road.
%
Kansas:
	Where the men are men and so are the women!
%
Kasha, n.:
	Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats".  There's only
	one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat
	groats"?  *_I* know what they are -- they're kasha.  But that doesn't
	help *___you* much.
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
	Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex
	for the students, and parking for the faculty.
%
Kleptomaniac, n.:
	A rich thief.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Knowledge Engineering:

A combination of:

Engineering, n.:
	The application of science and mathematics by which the properties
of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in
structures, machines, products, systems and processes.

and

Knowledge, n.:
	Sexual intercourse.

See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship.
%
Kotex, n.:
	Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best.
%
Kumquat, n.:
	Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and
	somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves.
	Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse.  In fact,
	an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment
	sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat"
	during orgasm.

	Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your
	partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake.
%
LA:
	Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
	is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
	From mud slides to brush fires.
%
Labia majora, n.:
	The curly gates.
%
lagnaf, n.:
	Let's All Get Naked And Fuck!
%
Law of Probable Dispersal:
	Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
%
Law of the Yukon:
	Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
%
lawyer, n.:
	Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too
	closely."
%
lazy, adj.:
	Marrying a pregnant woman.
%
Lesbian QOTD:
	I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
%
liberal, n.:
	Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
%
Life is like a penis:
	when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked.
%
Little death (la petite mort):
Some women do indeed pass right out, the 'little death' of French
poetry.  Men occasionally do the same.  The experience is not
unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner cold.  A friend
of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept with.  On
recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that." By
then he had called the police and an ambulance.  So there is no cause
for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical
laughter, or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions
that go along with complete orgasm in some people.  By contrast others
simply shut their eyes, but enjoy it no less.  Sound and fury can be a
flattering testimony to a partners skills, but a fallacious one,
because they don't depend on the intensity of feeling, nor it upon them.
		-- The Joy of Sex
%
Little Known Facts, #23:
	Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
	the BMW repair garage?
%
Lucky, adj:
	When you have a wife and a cigarette lighter -- both of which work.
%
Luser, n.:
	Someone who picks up a female hitch-hiker walking home from a date.
%
macho, adj.:
	Jogging home from your vasectomy.
%
maiden aunt, n.:
	A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
%
Maiden, n.:
	A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
	views that madden to crime.  The genus has a wide geographical
	distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
	The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
	piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
	comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
	the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
	canary -- which, also, is more portable.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Male, n.:
	Life support system for a cock.
%
Man, n.:
	An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
	he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His chief
	occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
	which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
	the whole habitable earth and Canada.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
man-hour, n.:
	A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
%
manager, n.:
	A man known for giving great meeting.
%
masturbation, n.:
	A self-service elevator.
%
masturbation, n.:
	Coming unscrewed.
%
menage a trois, n.:
	Using both hands to masturbate.
%
Meteorologist, n.:
	A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether.
%
Miss, n.:
	A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
	they are in the market.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Missionary Position:
	The missionary on top.
%
Mistress, n.:
	Something between a mister and a mattress.
%
Mom's Law:
	When they finally do have to take you to the hospital, your underwear
	won't be clean or new.
%
Monday, n.:
	In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
monotony, n.:
	Marriage to one woman at a time.
%
Montana:
	A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
%
Montana:
	Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
%
Montana:
	Where men are men and women are sheep.
%
mosquito, n.:
	The state bird of New Jersey.
%
mother:
	Half a word.
%
Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
	Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis:
	it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
%
Murphy's Discovery:
	Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to women?
	They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be
	all right."  And what happens?  Nine months later, you're in trouble!
%
Murray's Rule:
	Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
%
mythology, n.:
	The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
	early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
	from the true accounts which it invents later.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Naeser's Law:
	You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
%
navel, n.:
	A place to stash your gum on the way down.
%
necrophelia, n.:
	Dead boring.

incest, n.:
	Relatively boring.
%
necrophilia, n.:
	Dropping in for a cold one.
%
New release:
	Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
	time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
	rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
%
New York:
	Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off.
%
Noncombatant, n.:
	A dead Quaker.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
nothing, adj.:
	A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose.
%
O'Riordan's Theorem:
	Brains x Beauty = Constant.

Purmal's Corollary:
	As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
	availability goes to zero.
%
Occident, n.:
	The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.  It
	is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
	Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
	they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."  These, also, are the
	principal industries of the Orient.
	-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Ocean, n.:
	A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
	man -- who has no gills.
%
On Brassieres:
        Russian:        Uplifts the masses.
        Salvation Army: Raises the fallen.
        American:       Makes mountains out of molehills.
%
optimist, n.:
	A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date.
%
optimist, n.:
	Someone who goes down to the marriage
	bureau to see if his license has expired.
%
oral contraceptive, n.:
	The word "No".
%
oral sex, n.:
	The taste of things to come.
%
Oregon, n.:
	Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday night.
%
Overheard:
	"How do I feel?  Great!  And I kiss pretty good, too!"
%
pain, n.:
	Falling out of a twenty story building,
	and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
%
pain, n.:
	Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
%
Parker's Law:
	Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
%
Password:
%
Peeping Tom:
	A window fan.
%
penis envy, n.:
	The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long.
%
perfect woman, n.:
	Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest
	your drink.

	[Pistol-grip ears?  Ed.]
%
philadelphia flying fuck, n.:
	Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms
	of the rocking chair.  She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring
	him orally.

	[Note: Personally, we've never tried this.  If you have, or if
	you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597,
	Rockville IL.  Thank you.  Ed.]
%
Pig, n.:
	An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
	by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
	inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
pile driver, n.:
	Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice.
%
Planned Parenthood:
	The emission Control Center.
%
platonic friendship, n.:
	What develops when two people get tired of making love to each other.
%
pocket pool, n.:
	Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket.
	For women, it's playing the slots.
%
polish fly, n.:
	You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling.
%
Politician, n.:
	An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
	organized society is reared.  When he wriggles, he mistakes the
	agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice.  As compared
	with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Politician, n.:
	From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
	"face," as in "tete-a-tete:" head to head or face to face).  Hence
	"polytetien," a person of two or more faces.
		-- Martin Pitt
%
Pompoir:  

The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all.  

'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with
a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the
hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow.  This can be learned only by long
practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even
as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing...  Her husband will then value her
above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful
queen in the Three Worlds...  Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles
are abnormally developed.  In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert
them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can
induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person.  Such an artist
is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising
that slave dealers pay large sums for her'  Thus Richard Burton.  It has
nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice.  See exercises.
		-- The Joy of Sex
%
pray, n:
	To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
	of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
premature ejaculation, n.:
	A spoilspurt.
%
premature ejaculator, n.:
	Troubled shooter.
%
Premenstrual Syndrome:
	Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time.
%
promotion from within:
	A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
	level where they can't foul up operations.
%
promotion, n.:
	New title, new salary, new office, same old crap.
%
psychologist, n.:
	Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
	into a room.
%
pubic hair, n.:
	Organic dental floss.
%
Puritanism:
	the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
%
QOTD:
	"... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of
	Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming
	and throwing little pickles at you?  ...  Why am I the only one
	who has that dream?"
%
QOTD:
	"Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?"
%
QOTD:
	"He's a perfectionist.  If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
	her to cook."
%
QOTD:
	"He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes."
%
QOTD:
	"He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
%
QOTD:
	"Her other car is a broom."
%
QOTD:
	"I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut."
%
QOTD:
	"I say, and without apology, hang the bitch."
%
QOTD:
	"I treat her like a throughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
%
QOTD:
	"I used to beat off so much in the shower, I'd get a hard on every
	time it rained."
%
QOTD:
	"I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
		-- Kathy Ireland
%
QOTD:
	"I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now."
%
QOTD:
	"I'd crawl a mile over burning desert sand just to kiss the dick of
	the guy who screwed her last."
%
QOTD:
	"I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in
	her shadow!"
%
QOTD:
	"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten
	who gets tied up."
%
QOTD:
	"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
%
QOTD:
	"Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!"
%
QOTD:
	"Let's do it."
		-- Gary Gilmore
%
QOTD:
	"My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
	her husband work."
%
QOTD:
	"One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every gay
	and lesbian has lavender skin.  On that morning, I will be -- mauve."
%
QOTD:
	"She was so tough she rolled her own tampons."
%
QOTD:
	"The difference between dark and hard is... it stays dark
	all night."
%
QOTD:
	"The marines and I have something in common; we're both looking for
	a few good men!"
%
QOTD:
	"The only real difference between men and women is that men are
	crabby all month long."
%
QOTD:
	"To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
%
QOTD:
	"Well, let's say she's friendly.  Last year she was the Herpes
	Poster Girl."
%
QOTD:
	"What would the world be like without men?  A lot of fat,
	happy women."
%
QOTD:
	"Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee, Elmer!  Take a look at that purty young lady
	over thar!  Why, I'd walk a mile barefoot over barbed wire and broken
	glass just to drive the truck that takes her panties to the cleaners!"
%
QOTD:
	"Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me.
	Then get the fuck out."
%
QOTD:
	"You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already."
%
QOTD:
	I get girls because of who I am... a rapist.
%
QOTD:
	I met her [his fiance] over lunch on Thursday.  She had a firm
	grip.  He's a lucky man.
%
QOTD:
	I own my own body, but I share.
%
QOTD:
	I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself
	a pair of velcro gloves.
%
QOTD:
	It *was* wonderfully polite of me.  Usually I call the kind of
	cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a ``fucking asshole.''
		-- Richard Sexton
%
QOTD:
	Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and "You're
	going to put that thing *where*?"
%
QOTD:
	My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when
	you stick those little prongs into it.
		-- Mark-Jason Dominus
%
QOTD:
	No, honey, I've never been circumcised; it's simply wear and tear.
%
QOTD:
	Sex is like everything else.  To get it done right, do it yourself.
%
QOTD:
	Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
%
QOTD:
	She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain.
	Ouch!  Ow!  My paw!  Ouch!!
%
quickie, n.:
	A moment's piece.
%
quickie, n.:
	No sooner spread than done.
%
Radicalism:
	The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
randel, n.:
	A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an
	apology for farting at a friend.
		-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
		   Preposterous Words
%
real buddy, n.:
	Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back
	and give you one.
%
real class, adj.:
	When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me."
%
Recursion n.:
	See Recursion.
		-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
%
rejection, n.:
	When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
%
Robot, n.:
	Someone who's been made by a scientist.
%
rodeo fuck, n.:
	When you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're
	the worst piece of ass I've ever had!".  And then try to stay on
	for seven seconds...
%
rugby, n.:
	A sport requiring leather balls.
%
rugby, n.:
	Elegant violence.

	(Rugby players eat their dead.)
	(Blood makes the grass grow!)
	(Support your local hooker!  Play rugby!)

	[A "hooker" is part of the scrum.  Thought you'd want to know.  Ed.]
%
sadism, n.:
	A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
%
sadoequinecrophilia, n.:
	Beating a dead horse.
%
San Diego:
	Four million people, where you can't get a
	good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
%
San Francisco, n.:
	Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
%
San Francisco:
	A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces there.
%
schnuffel, n.:
	A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in mixed
	company.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Schwiggle, n.:
	The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a pencil.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
seminars, n.:
	From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
%
Sex:
	the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
	most amount of trouble.
		-- John Barrymore
%
Showerbath: 
Natural venue for sexual adventures -- wash together, make love
together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms
to attach a partner's hands.  Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it
isn't weightbearing.  See Discipline.
		-- The Joy of Sex
%
small, adj.:
	Is it in yet?
%
socialism:
	You have two cows.  Give one to your neighbour.
communism:
	You have two cows.
	Give both to the government.  The government gives you milk.
capitalism:
	You have two cows. You sell one cow and buy a bull.
fascism:
	You have two cows.  Give milk to the government.
	The government sells it.
nazism:
	You have two cows.  The government shoots you and takes the cows.
New Dealism:
	You have two cows.  The government shoots one cow,
	milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
anarchism:
	You have two coes.  Keep them.  Steal another.  Shoot the government.
conservatism:
	You have two cows.  Freeze the milk.  Embalm the cows.
%
spinster, n.:
	A bachelor's wife.
%
spinster, n.:
	Unlusted number.
%
Stockmayer's Theorem:
	If it looks easy, it's tough.
	If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
%
strapless evening gown, n.:
	Bust truster.
%
stress, n.:
	The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's
	desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who
	desperately needs it.
%
subpoena, n:
	From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ
	or penis.  Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
%
successful cunnilingus:
	When you wake up the next morning with a face like a frosted doughnut.
%
Sudden Death Dating:

Quote, female:
	Am I worried about taking his last name?  Forget it,
	at this point I'll take his first name, too.
%
swallow, v.:
	The (blew) bird of birth control.
%
T-shirt of the Day:
	Head for the Mountains
		-- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer

Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background):
	If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch!
		-- courtesy someone else
%
T-shirt of the Day:
	See Dick Drink...
	See Dick Drive...
	See Dick Die.
	DON'T BE A DICK.
%
T-shirt of the Week:
	I'm not excited, I'm cold!
%
tacky, adj.:
	Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions.
%
tear leather:
	To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore
	his leather jerkin' off."
%
tearing off a quicky:
	Gunning the jump.
%
Texan:
	A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma.
%
The 357.73 Theory:
	Auditors always reject expense accounts
	with a bottom line divisible by 5.
%
The First Commandment for Technicians:
	Beware the lightning that lurketh in the undischarged capacitor, lest
	it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most untechnician-like
	manner.
%
The New Right:
	A javelin team that elects to receive.
%
THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
	(1) Where's the bathroom?
	(2) What time does the parade start?
	(3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
%
The three rules of international air travel:
	(1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
	    to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
	(2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
	    know *exactly* what you're doing.
	(3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
%
The United States Army:
        194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
%
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
	Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
%
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
	Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
%
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
	Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
%
thorny:
	A thailor at thea.
%
Thought:
	Girls get minks the same way minks get minks!
%
three-bag ugly, adj:
	That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your
	head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep
	it from howling.

four-bag ugly, adj:
	When you leave a bag by the door in case someone drops by.
%
Today's title:
	Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships
%
tourist, n.:
	A pretty girl in Oklahoma.
%
transvestite, n.:
	Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
%
transvestite, n.:
	Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
%
"Trust me":
	Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
%
"Trust me":
	Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother, and the horse
	she rode in on."
%
trust, n.:
	Two cannibals having oral sex.
%
Unix, n.:
	A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
	impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
	with the workstation harem.
%
vagina, n.:
	The box a penis comes in.
%
vaginal lubricant, n.:
	A slitty slicker.
%
VD, n.:
	The gift that keeps on giving.
%
Viennese Oyster: 
Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her back, of course.
When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep
with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length.  Don't try to put
an unsupple partner into this position --  it can't be achieved by brute force.
You can get a very similar sensation -- unique rocking pelvic movement -- with
less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and
you lie on her crossed ankles with your full weight.  Why "Viennese" we don't
know.  Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure
for both.
		-- The Joy of Sex
%
Virgin, n.:
	An ugly third grader.
%
Virginia:
	A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
	baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
%
WASP, n.:
	Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss.
%
Watership Down:
	You've read the book.  You've seen the movie.  Now eat the stew!
%
wet dream, n.:
	Overnight sensation.
%
Wethern's Law:
	Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
%
Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
	No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
	when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
	direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
		-- John L.  Shelton
%
Woman is: 
	finally screwing and your groin and buttocks and thighs ache like hell
	and you're all wet and maybe bloody and it wasn't like a Hollywood
	movie at all but Jesus at least you're not a virgin any more but is
	this what it's all about?  And meanwhile, he's asking "Did you come?"
		-- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
%
woman, n.:
	An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
	having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
		-- Bierce
%
Zisla's Law:
	If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
%
(1) Never give anything away for nothing.
(2) Never give more than you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and
    always make him wait).
(3) Always take back everything if you possibly can.
		-- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
%
A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
%
A joint is just tea for two.
%
A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
%
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
%
Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
%
"All flesh is grass"
		-- Isaiah
		
Smoke a friend today!
%
	All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his
number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas
was the whole show.  But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the
vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession.  Nobody really
expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for
Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the
NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner
is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope"
TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn.
	We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing.
Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent
to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding
their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best
running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker.
	But not for long.  There is not much room for freaks in the National
Football League.  Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting
drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not
always viewed as criminals.  But Namath would have had a very different trip
if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on gin.
		-- Ralph Nader
%
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
%
But these pills can't be habit forming; I've been taking them for years.
%
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
%
Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
%
Cocaine isn't habit forming.  I should know -- I've been using it for years.
		-- Tallulah Bankhead
%
Cocaine's a joke!
	(Who's got the next line?)
%
Cocaine: using tomorrow's energy today.
%
Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
entails dangers that must not be underestimated.  Practitioners must take
into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being.  The
history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
for a pleasure drug.  Special internal and external advance preparations
are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
		-- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
%
Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
		-- Seen in a Ladies' Room at Harvard
%
Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
you through times of no dope.
		-- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers"
		   [aka Gilbert Sheldon]
%
	Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
"mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
experiences today.  Here is his account of what happened:
	"I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
thought I should find uppermost in my mind.  The mighty music of the triumphal
march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
The veil of eternity was lifted.  The one great truth which underlies all
human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation.  Henceforth
all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
knowledge of the cherubim.  As my natural condition returned, I remembered
my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
		-- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
%
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
%
Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive
like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume
and at least a pint of ether.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
%
Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in restraint.
		-- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus".
%
Give me libertines or give me meth.
%
Give me Librium or give me Meth.
%
Have a coke and a smile!
		-- John DeLorean
%
Honest, officer, had I known my health was in jeopardy, why, I'd never have
lit one!
%
I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
child.
		-- Dr. Albert Hoffman
%
I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
		-- Salvador Dali
%
I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
		-- Doctor Graper
%
I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger -- a little
girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine in his veins.
		-- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
%
I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me.  The first time I tried smoking
pot I didn't know what I was doing.  I smoked half the joint, got the
munchies, and ate the other half.

Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed.  I kept getting the
bottle stuck up my nose.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why:  it is
going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out
your mind.  In general this drug will make you just like your mother
and father.
		-- Frank Zappa
%
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
always worked for me.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
		-- Keith Richards

I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom.  I think that's the height of bad
taste.
		-- Keith Richards
%
If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
%
If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
%
In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
		-- Art Linkletter
%
	Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back?  Eh?
	Ho, ho!  Don't I wish!  What do you think every electrofreak
dreams about?  You're such an old fuddyduddy!  A-and who sez it's a
dream, huh?  M-maybe it exists.  Maybe there is a Machine to take us
away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of the
skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the other
souls it's got stored there.  It could decide who it would suck out,
a-and when.  Dope never gave you immortality.  You hadda come back, every
time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat!  But We can live forever, in a
clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
		-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
%
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
%
Marijuana is like Coors beer.  If you could buy the damn stuff at a Georgia
filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it.
		-- Billy Carter
%
Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
%
NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
		-- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
%
Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a serious
drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
%
Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
		-- Debbie VanDam
%
Opium is very cheap considering you don't feel like eating for the next
six days.
		-- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
%
People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily
motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness.  But I have spent enough time in
jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are
bored with their daily routines:  eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and
then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in
a while; there has to be a powerful adrenalin rush in crouching by the side of
a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking
out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other
side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels.
	Why not?  Anything that gets the adrenalin moving like a 440 volt
blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free
of cholesterol ...  but too many adrenalin rushes in any given time-span has
the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments
are said to have on the brain:  after a while you start burning out the
circuits.
	When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter
of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics
junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things
that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand.
		-- Hunter Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
%
Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
		-- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
%
Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
%
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
%
Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
		-- Lily Tomlin
%
Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
		-- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
%
Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!! Also, the
finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited young adventurers.
All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate students' bullpen from 11:00
pm on, usual terms and conditions. Faculty members especially welcome.
%
Spend extra time on hobby.  Get plenty of rolling papers.
%
Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever got were
re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
		-- Rev. Jim
%
Test for paraquat:
	Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
	of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes.  Strain out leaves,
	leaving a brownish-yellow solution.  Add 100 mg each of sodium
	bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
	the solution will turn blue-green.
%
The best ways are the most straightforward ways.  When you're sitting around
scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
		-- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
%
	The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John
Lennon's political song, ten years too late.  "That poor fool should have
stayed where he was," said my attorney.  "Punks like him only get in the
way when they try to be serious."
	"Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get
into the ether and the cocaine."
	"Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug
in the suite.  But here's this.  Your half of the sunshine blotter.  Just
chew it up like baseball gum."
	I took the blotter and ate it.  My attorney was now fumbling with
the salt shaker containing the cocaine.  Opening it.  Spilling it.  Then
screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out
across the desert highway.  A very expensive little twister rising up from
the Great Red Shark.  "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned.  "Did you see what God just
did to us?"
		-- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971
%
The weed of crime bears bitter fruit... but the leaves are good to smoke!
		-- The Shadow
%
Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was right.
		-- P.J. O'Rourke
%
There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you.  I
really don't know that much about it.  I tried it once but it didn't do
anything to me.
		-- John Wayne
%
There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
		-- Raoul Duke
%
They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
life.  Let's face it: That's the American way.
		-- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
		   of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
%
Turn on, tune in, and take over.
		-- Tim Leary
%
	"We friends, yes?"  The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile 
and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a 
trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced 
in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and 
predatory. 
	The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm 
at the elbow.  He spoke in his dead junky whisper.  "With veins like that, 
Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
		-- William Burroughs
%
We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the
drugs began to take hold.  I remember saying something like "I feel a bit
lightheaded; maybe you should drive...."  And suddenly there was a terrible
roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all
swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a
hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas.  And a voice was
screaming: "Holy Jesus!  What are these goddamn animals?"
	Then it was quiet again.  My attorney had taken his shirt off and
was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process.  "What the
hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his
eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sungalsses.  "Never mind,"
I said.  "It's your turn to drive."  I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway.  No point in mentioning the
bats, I thought.  The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
		-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:
		A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream"
%
Whatever became of Strange de Jim?  Well, he found a substitute for cocaine:
"You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils as far as they
will go.  Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding hundred dollar bills."
		-- Herb Caen
%
When I was young we didn't have MTV; we had to take drugs and go to concerts.
		-- Steven Pearl
%
When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
%
Without chemicals, life itself would be impossible.
		-- late night industrial commercial much favored by druggies
%
Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine stuff....
		-- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg trial
		   testimony, 1947
%
You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone got in
line to admit it, too.  But you also notice they all said they "experimented"
with marijuana.  The didn't "use" it; they "experimented" with it.  Let me
tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these guys were getting stoned!
		-- Johnny Carson
%
A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
best.  That's dangerous.  Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
schools as 'standards'?  Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
elitist.  ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
professionals.  Those texts are called 'reading material.'  They are the
academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
resource centers along the roads.
		-- The Underground Grammarian
%
A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.
		-- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
%
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and
art into pedantry.  Hence University education.
		-- G. B. Shaw
%
A good question is never answered.  It is not a bolt to be tightened
into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
hope of greening the landscape of idea.
		-- John Ciardi
%
A grammarian's life is always in tense.
%
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices.
		-- William James
%
A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
its species, managed to trap them in a corner.  The children cowered,
terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
Save us!  Save us!  We're scared, Mother!"
	Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
proud.  The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
	As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
you saved us!" and "Yay!  You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
language?"
%
A Parable of Modern Research:

	Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
brightly lit corner.
	"Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
	"I can only see here."
%
A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
%
	 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
			  by Mark Twain

	For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
be part of the alphabet.  The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.  Year 2
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
	Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
	Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
%
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
%
	A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
recorded the following on the patient's chart:  "Patient failed to fulfill
his wellness potential."
	Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
	A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
personnel devices."  You probably call them bombs.
	At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status."  That is, they were fired.
	After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
only to receive the following notice:  "We must report that during the handling
of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
unusual laboratory experience."  The use of the passive is a particularly nice
touch, don't you think?  Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
experience.  Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his 
pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
sent him.
		-- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
%
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
%
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
thought of.
		-- Burt Bacharach
%
A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
%
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students.
		-- John Ciardi
%
"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."
	-- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
%
About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
%
Abstract:
	This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects.  Of the white-collar
men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
their neck circumference.  The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test.  Results of the CFF
test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
		-- Langan, L.M. and Watkins, S.M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
		   Neck in Relation to Visual Performance."  Human Factors 29,
		   #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
%
Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
because the stakes are so low.
		-- Wallace Sayre
%
Academicians care, that's who.
%
=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============

To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to 
afford maximum inconvenience to the student.  For example, if you happen
to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes.  If you commute,
there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
%
An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
		-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
%
As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
		-- J.F. Kennedy
%
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
%
Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978).  In the
analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
		-- A. Benjamin
%
British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
it.  If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
		-- Peter Ustinov
%
... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand.  Human
intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
we can tell.  If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
of their world, not in their distorted perceptions.  Even the standard
example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
finite or an infinite number.
		-- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
%
Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points.
		-- M. M. Johnston
%
Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
		-- David Guaspari
%
Dear Freshman,
	You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
unknown to you we have something in common.  We are both rather
prone to mistakes.  I was elected Student Government President by
mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
%
Dear Miss Manners:
	My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
elbows on the table.  However, I have read that one elbow, in between
courses, is all right.  Which is correct?

Gentle Reader:
	For the purpose of answering examinations in your home economics
class, your teacher is correct.  Catching on to this principle of
education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
%
Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
%
Did you know the University of Iowa closed down after someone stole the book?
%
Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
%
Do you know the difference between education and experience?  Education
is what you get when you read the fine print; experience is what you get
when you don't.
		-- Pete Seeger
%
Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
%
Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
demand.  The less of either the people have, the less they want.
		-- Charlotte Observer, 1897
%
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
%
Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
		-- Daniel J. Boorstin
%
Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
		-- Irwin Edman
%
Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
		-- B.F. Skinner
%
Educational television should be absolutely forbidden.  It can only lead
to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
royal-blue chickens.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
Eloquence is logic on fire.
%
Encyclopedia for sale by father.  Son knows everything.
%
Engineering:    "How will this work?"
Science:        "Why will this work?"
Management:     "When will this work?"
Liberal Arts:   "Do you want fries with that?"
%
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak
it to?
		-- Clarence Darrow
%
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers.  My
opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.  There's many a bestseller
that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
		-- Flannery O'Connor
%
Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for
even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer.
		-- C.C. Colton
%
Experience is the worst teacher.  It always gives the test first and
the instruction afterward.
%
F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
%
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
%
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
%
f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
%
Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:

WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS:			YOU WRITE:

Probably the greatest quality of the poetry	John Milton -- born 1608
of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
combination of beauty and power.  Few have
excelled him in the use of the English language,
or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
single poem ever written."

Current historians have come to			Most of the problems that now
doubt the complete advantageousness		face the United States are
of some of Roosevelt's policies...		directly traceable to the
						bungling and greed of President
						Roosevelt.

... it is possible that we simply do		Professor Mitchell is a
not understand the Russian viewpoint...		communist.
%
Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
		-- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink",  ed. D. Wynn
%
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
%
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
%
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
		-- Gail Godwin
%
Graduate life: It's not just a job.  It's an indenture.
%
Graduate students and most professors are no smarter than undergrads.
They're just older.
%
He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
		-- Benjamin Franklin
%
"He was a modest, good-humored boy.  It was Oxford that made him insufferable."
%
He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
education and culture.
		-- Julia Norton McCorkle
%
[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
a complete set.
		-- Ring Lardner
%
Higher education helps your earning capacity.  Ask any college professor.
%
History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
%
History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
		-- Leo Tolstoy
%
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
		-- Elliot, "E.T."
%
I am a bookaholic.  If you are a decent person, you will not sell me
another book.
%
"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
		-- English Professor
%
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
		-- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
%
I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
		-- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
		   University of Tennessee at Knoxville
%
I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
		-- Firesign Theatre
%
I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
%
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
make it shorter.
		-- Blaise Pascal
%
"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."
		-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
%
I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very interesting:
a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell more than he knows.
		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%
I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
		-- Wilson Mizner
%
I think your opinions are reasonable, except for the one about my mental
instability.
		-- Psychology Professor, Farifield University
%
"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it (your paper)
presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
		-- English Professor, Providence College
%
If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president
of Harvard.
		-- Edward Holyoke
%
If he had only learnt a little less, how infinitely better he might have
taught much more!
%
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
%
If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
		-- Tom Robbins
%
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder.
		-- Pope John Paul I
%
If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.  See in
college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
learn what you have no taste or capacity for.  The college, which should
be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
I would have the studies elective.  Scholarship is to be created not
by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge.  The wise
instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
attractions the study has for himself.  The marking is a system for schools,
not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
put on a professor.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
		-- Lily Tomlin
%
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
		-- Wittgenstein
%
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
		-- Marguerite Emmons
%
If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
%
If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
%
If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
deeper insights into what you believe?  The things most worth reading
are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
%
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
		-- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
%
If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them end to
end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
		-- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
%
"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything."
		-- A. L.
%
Ignorance is never out of style.  It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
		-- Franklin K. Dane
%
Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
%
Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
so resolutely pursuing it. 
%
Illiterate?  Write today, for free help!
%
	In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
Junior, what are you up to?"
	"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
rabbit.
	"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!  No one
will publish such rubbish!"
	"Well, follow me and I'll show you."
	They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.  Comes along a
wolf.  "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
	"I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
wolves."
	"Are you crazy?  Where's your academic honesty?"
	"Come with me and I'll show you."
	As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
and a diploma in his paw.  Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
remnants of the wolf and the fox.

	The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
%
In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
teacher should know.  "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
said, "up to the mathematicians."
		-- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
%
Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
anything?  If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
		-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
		-- Crow T. Robot
%
It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that
one can learn."
		-- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
%
It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing.  It dehumanizes those who
achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
notions.  This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
folklore to Article of Belief.  It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
competence will be quite enough.
		-- The Underground Grammarian
%
	It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
the habit of thinking about what we are doing.  The precise opposite is the
case.  Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
which we can perform without thinking about them.  Operations of thought are
like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
		-- Alfred North Whitehead
%
			It's grad exam time...
COMPUTER SCIENCE
	Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system.  Prove that these fixes are
bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
new system.  (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)

MATHEMATICS
	If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Describe the Universe.  Give three examples.
%
			It's grad exam time...
MEDICINE
	You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
bottle of Scotch.  Remove your appendix.  Do not suture until your work has
been inspected.  (You have 15 minutes.)

HISTORY
	Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
economic, religious and philisophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
Africa.  Be brief, concise, and specific.

BIOLOGY
	Create life.  Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
%
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
is.  If you don't, it's its.  Then too, it's hers.  It isn't her's.  It
isn't our's either.  It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
		-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
%
Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.
		-- Snoopy
%
Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
%
Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
%
Learning without thought is labor lost;
thought without learning is perilous.
		-- Confucius
%
Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that lots of folks who ain't
using ain't ain't eatin' well.
		-- Will Rogers
%
Most seminars have a happy ending.  Everyone's glad when they're over.
%
My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose your ignorance; you cannot
replace it."
		-- Erich Maria Remarque
%
Never have so many understood so little about so much.
		-- James Burke
%
Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
%
No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon lectures which are
really worth the attending.
		-- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
%
No matter who you are, some scholar can show you the great idea you had
was had by someone before you.
%
No wonder you're tired!  You understood so much today.
%
Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other reason
than self-protection.  We never recommend any of our graduates, although we
cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed their courses.
		-- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
%
Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper
is from the wrong kind of tree.
		-- Professor, EECS, George Washington University

I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
		-- Professor, Harvard, on a  senior thesis.
%
		`O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
Timewarp allowed: 3 hours.  Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells.  Orange may be worn.  Credit
will be given to candidates who self-actualise.

	(1) Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
	    neither has street credibility.
	(2) "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
	    on a juggernaut route."  Consider the dialectic of inner truth
	    and inner city.
	(3) Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
	    into a black hole.
	(4) "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
	    ripoff merchants."  Comment on this insult.
	(5) Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
	(6) "Castenada was a bit of a bozo."  How far is this a fair summing
	    up of western dualism?
	(7) Hermann Hesse was a Pisces.  Discuss.
%
"OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard."
		-- Dr. Joy
%
OK, so you're a Ph.D.  Just don't touch anything.
%
One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
		-- Professor Charles P. Issawi
%
Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way.  "The cost may be
upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
nearly 10m#.  "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris.  "Rarely does
the 'Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
periphrasis for November, and another for lingers.  "The answer is in the
negative" is a periphrasis for No.  "Was made the recipient of" is a
periphrasis for Was presented with.  The periphrasis style is hardly possible
on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
nature, reference, regard, respect".  The existence of abstract nouns is a
proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
by many held to be inseparable.  These good people feel that there is an almost
indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
developments."
		-- Fowler's English Usage
%
"Plaese porrf raed."
		-- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
%
Practice is the best of all instructors.
		-- Publilius
%
Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart.  Harvard's is a subtle
taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco.  It may even be a bad habit, for
all I know.
		-- Prof. J.H. Finley '25
%
Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
midterm.  Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter.  Newell's earned exam average
has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
%
Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
%
Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
%
Reporter:   "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
Yogi Berra: "Closed."
%
Rules for Good Grammar #4.
	 (1) Don't use no double negatives.
	 (2) Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
	 (3) Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
	 (4) About them sentence fragments.
	 (5) When dangling, watch your participles.
	 (6) Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
	 (7) Just between you and i, case is important.
	 (8) Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
	 (9) Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
	(10) Try to not ever split infinitives.
	(11) It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
	(12) Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
	(13) Correct speling is essential.
	(14) A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
	(15) While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
	     careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
	     become ensconsed in obscurity.  In other words, eschew obfuscation.
%
Smartness runs in my family.  When I went to school I was so smart my
teacher was in my class for five years.
		-- George Burns
%
Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
		-- Folk saying
%
"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."
%
Spelling is a lossed art.
%
Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
without his duck ...
%
Teachers have class.
%
The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.  Don't ever do
this to my eyes again.
		-- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
%
The alarm clock that is louder than God's own belongs to the roommate with
the earliest class.
%
The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
one graveyard to another.
		-- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
%
The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
		-- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
%
	"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
and blow, "is to learn something.  That's the only thing that never fails.
You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
it then -- to learn.  Learn why the world wags and what wags it.  That is
the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.  Learning
is the only thing for you.  Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
		-- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"
%
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
%
The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
intellectual nakedness.
		-- Robert M. Hutchins
%
The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday, with
symposium to follow.
%
The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
		-- H.G. Wells
%
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
%
The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
		-- Menander
%
The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches us nothing.
		-- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
%
The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
		-- Earl Warren

That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
the lessons that history has to teach.
		-- Aldous Huxley

We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
		-- Georg Hegel

HISTORY:  Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
nothing from history.  I know people who can't even learn from what happened
this morning.  Hegel must have been taking the long view.
		-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
%
The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history.
		-- Hegel

I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the long view.
		-- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
%
The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
to sleep every few days.
%
The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
illiterates can read.
		-- Alberto Moravia
%
The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
		-- Christopher Morley
%
"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
is an emerging underachiever."
%
The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.  The population is,
of course, growing.
%
The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
		-- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
%
The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald
%
The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
%
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
%
The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious
seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the
unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more
bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the world put together.
		-- Sir Peter Medawar
%
The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
%
The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an
open doorway with an open mind.
		-- E.B. White
%
There are no answers, only cross-references.
		-- Weiner
%
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for
these only gave life, those the art of living well.
		-- Aristotle
%
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
		-- Hector Berlioz
%
To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun.  To accuse neither
oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
		-- Epictetus
%
To craunch a marmoset.
		-- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
%
To teach is to learn twice.
		-- Joseph Joubert
%
To teach is to learn.
%
Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
		-- Charles Schulz
%
Trying to get an education here is like trying to get a drink from a fire hose.
%
Universities are places of knowledge.  The freshman each bring a little
in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
%
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
		-- Henry Kissinger
%
Walt:	Dad, what's gradual school?
Garp:	Gradual school?
Walt:	Yeah.  Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
	gradual school.
Garp:	Oh.  Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
	find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
		-- The World According To Garp
%
"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"
		-- Vroomfondel
%
We know next to nothing about virtually everything.  It is not necessary
to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
to crave knowledge.
		-- George Will
%
We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
things we did.  I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
		-- Waldo D.R. Dobbs
%
	"We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation.  We
had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
		-- The Washington Post, February, 1988

The New Yorker's comment:
	At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
%
What does education often do?  It makes a straight cut ditch of a
free meandering brook.
		-- Henry David Thoreau
%
		What I Did During My Fall Semester
On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
Then I hung out in front of the Dover.

On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
Then I hung out in front of the Dover.

On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
I found a thesis topic:
	How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
		-- Sister Mary Elephant, "Student Statement for Black Friday"
%
What makes you think graduate school is supposed to be satisfying?
		-- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
%
What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
		-- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
%
What we do not understand we do not possess.
		-- Goethe
%
What's page one, a preemptive strike?
		-- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
%
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really."
		-- Dave Parnas
%
Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
		-- Karl Kraus
%
"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
		-- George Ade
%
	Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
Chips, as well as after Chips?
%
You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
		-- H.H. Munro
%
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
		-- J. D. Salinger
%
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
		-- Alfred Kahn
%
"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a plowshare,
your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture"
		-- Business Professor, University of Georgia
%
Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
%
 (1) If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.
 (2) If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
 (3) Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
 (4) It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
 (5) Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
 (6) Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
 (7) Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
 (8) Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
 (9) Remember:  Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
(10) The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
		-- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
%
A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a
patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern
women!"  The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out
of the bar.
	The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm
bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women."  The guy took one look at him,
blanched and ran out of the bar.
	The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written
all over him.  "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister."
	The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame
you one bit.  She's *got* to be an improvement on yours."
%
A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation.  He rented a boat,
rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
on the bottom of the lake.  He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
station.  "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
drowned in the lake!"
	"Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
more chain than he can swim with?"
%
A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
the table after you eat.
%
A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska.  He drove for three days
and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
line.  He halted his car and walked up to the border guard.  "Hi, there!  How
do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
	The guard looked him up and down and grinned.  "Waal," he answered,
there are three things you gotta do to get in.  First, drink down a quart of
110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'.  Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
	"Sounds easy enough," said the Texan.  "Where can I get a quart of
this here corn liquor?"
	"Got one right here," replied the guard.
	The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
	"Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
	The Texan lurched merrily off.  About an hour later he returned
with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody.  He was
smiling happily.  "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
want killed?"
%
A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand-
father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit
used to raid towns around here!  Did you ever know him?"
	"Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man.  "Why, boy, before
your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse.  Suddenly, from
behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn!  He told me to get
down off the horse and to give him all my money.  Then, he told me to scoop
some manure from the ground and eat it!"
	"I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit.
And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up --
I grabbed the guns from his hands!  I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now
it's your turn -- you eat the shit!'  I had the guns, so he ate the shit.
	"And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit!  Why,
we had *lunch* together!"
%
	A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot.  He points
to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
	When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
and asks why it is so much.  "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
French and can recite the periodic table."  He points to another bird
and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
	Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird.  "Ah," he is
told, "that one is 150,000."
	"Why, what can it do?" he asks.
	"Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."  
		-- being told in Poland, 1987
%
A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke.  The man sitting
next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
Polish."
	He then calls out, "Ivan!  Come over here and bring your brother."
Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
	"Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
with you."  Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
the joke.
	"Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
	"Nah," says the man.
	"Oh, no?  And why not?  I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
man, opening and closing his fist.  "Are you scared?"
	"No," replies the man.  "I just don't feel like having to explain it
five times."
%
	A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit.  The
first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
	"No problem," says the tailor.  "Just bend them at the elbow
and hold them out in front of you.  See, now it's fine."
	"But the collar is up around my ears!"
	"It's nothing.  Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
little more ... that's it."
	"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!"  the man cries in desperation.
	"Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack.  There you
go.  Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
	So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
street.  Reba and Florence see him go by.
	"Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
	"Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
antennae coming out of his head.  He goes up to him and says, "You're not
from around here, are you?"
	"No," replies the man with the antennae.
	"You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
either.  In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
	"Right again," says the man with four arms.  "I'm from Mars."
	"Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
	"We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
	"Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
Martians have that?"
	"Well, no," says the Martian.  "Not the *goyim*."
%
A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife 
was the better cook.  One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
	The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
that he had ever eaten.  
	"Damn!  That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host.  "What
kind of meat is it?"
	"Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican.
	"Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here."
	"Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem."
	"Rabbits don't make any noise..."
	"Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
%
A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes.  So intent is he
on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
	Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
	"But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
	"TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
	"But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
	"TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU.  LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
	Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I...  here I go!"  And he falls
to his death.
	"DUMB YANKEE."
%
	A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
in a forest in the dead of winter.  As they were sitting around a fire, they
noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
	The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
party.  He walked out into the night.
	The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
be the next victim.  The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
too.
	The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
save a fellow socialist."  He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
the wolf pack.
	At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
has killed them all.
	The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
went out to be killed?
	The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
%
A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary.  From
his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
sewn, and is currently split down one side.  He asks the proprieter, "How much
to replace this, Ian?"  The proprieter says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four
pence."  Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?"  The prop. looks the
condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair."  The Scotsman ponders
for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
	Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and
says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
%
A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy,
all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer.  "Say,
Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff.
	"A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the
cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy.
	"Good work, boy," replied the sheriff.  "Pretty gory work -- were
all of 'em dead?"
	Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but
you know how them Mex'cans lie."
%
A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the
greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple."
	Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand.
	"Yes, Tony?"
	"Christopher Columbus!" says Tony.
	"Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man,
but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived."
	From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand.
	"Yes, Bernie?"
	"Jesus Christ", says Bernie.
	"That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher.  "And here is
your apple."
	When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize,
the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised
that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived."
	"Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge,
but business is business."
%
A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
*Boston*."
	"Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
	"Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan.  "Isn't he the guy who ran for
help?"
%
Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most
of Erin's natives.  He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously
appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English.  Due to his
proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his
superiors were not infrequent.  He would blame anything evil or merely
inconvenient on the English people.  If there was an act of terrorism, the
responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits.  If there was a
natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to
the fact, if not outrightly culpable.  Repeatedly, his superiors called him
on the carpet for his behavior.  After a particularly vituperative
anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight
to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars.  Summing
up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next
week is Saint Patrick's Day.  If you so much as *mention* the British, it's
your last sermon!"

The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of
Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by
Christ and His disciples.  "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale.
You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one
among them would betray Him.  As He looked around the table, He stopped at
Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!'  He looked at Thomas, who doubted,
and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!'  Then the Lord looked long
and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't
main may!'"
%
America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room.  Every time it
wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
		-- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
%
America is a melting pot.  You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
and the scum rises to the top.
		-- Utah Phillips
%
	America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
with one astronaut from each country.  Since it's going to be two long, lonely
years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
or less.  The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
wife. They approve.
	The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin.  I
want 100 lbs. of textbooks."  The NASA board approves.  The Russian astronaut
thinks for a second and says, "Two years...  all right, I want 150 pounds of
the best Cuban cigars ever made."   Again, NASA okays it.
	Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
to welcome back the astronauts.  Well, it's obvious what the American's been
up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant.  The crowd cheers.  The
Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
perfect Latin.  The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
impressed and they cheer again.  The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
screams: "Anybody got a match?"
%
[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
we allow them short of hanging.
		-- Samuel Johnson

America is a large friendly dog in a small room.  Every time it wags its
tail it knocks over a chair.
		-- Arnold Toynbee

The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
everybody and still nobody likes him.
		-- Jim Samuels
%
An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
his apple trees to graze on the apples.  A Texas student walked by and
asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
	Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
%
An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an
exclusive men's club.  Striding in one afternoon, the American approached the
only other man in the lounge and tried to strike up a conversation.  "Care
for a cigar?" he asked.
	"No, thank you," the Englishman replied.  "I tried smoking once and
didn't like it."
	"Would you care to join me in the bar for a drink, then?" the
businessman asked.
	"No, thank you.  I tried drinking once and it didn't agree with me."
	"Well, how about a game of billiards?"
	"Sorry.  I tried it once and couldn't seem to get the hang of it."
	As the American started to turn away, the Englishman said, "But my
son will be here shortly, and I'm sure he would enjoy a game with you."
	"Your son?  An only child, I presume."
%
An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife
dies of a heart attack.  The husband decides to have her buried there as the
visit to France was something they had longed for for many years.  All
arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black
hat for the funeral.  The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a
"chapeau noir."  So off he goes to find a store open late.
	First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur,
ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?"
	The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our
friend directions.  The store -- if that is what it is -- looks a little seedy
and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our
hero.  He speaks first:
	"M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir."
	"Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des
capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires.  Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un
capeau noir?"
	"Ma femme est morte."
	"O Monsieur!  Quelle beau sentiment!"
%
	An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial 
city and asked to be served the specialty of the house.  When the dish
arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained.  "These, senor," explained
the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
	The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish.  When it was 
served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
	"True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
%
An American walks into an Irish pub around lunchtime, and finds the place
is completely filled and there are no chairs available, with the exception
of one -- seating a Chihuahua next to a woman.  He very politely asks her
if she would mind placing her dog on the floor for a few minutes while he
got a quick bite to eat.
	"I most certainly would!", the woman haughtily replies.  "Little
Fifi *always* sits next to me at lunchtime and there she will stay!"
	Whereupon, the American picks up the Chihuahua, throws it out of
an open window and takes the seat.
	An Irishman, watching the whole encounter, walks over, taps the
American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand
you Americans.  You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the
street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
%
	An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
to killed, your deaths will not be in vain.  Every part of your body will be
used.  Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry.  Your hair will be
woven into clothing, for my people are naked.  Your bones will be ground up
and made into medicine, for my people are sick.  Your skin will be stretched
over canoe frames, for my people need transportation.  We are a fair people,
and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
	The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
while plunging the knife into his heart.
 	The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.  
	The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
%
	An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a 
man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by.  "Your names please?" 
said the the soldier.
	"My name is Mary," said the woman.  
	"And mine is Joseph," said the man.  
	"Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
going?"
	"To Bethlehem."
	"Your reason for going there?" 
	"To pay our taxes to the government."
	"Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
	"Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto 
Ricans?"
%
An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
	"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this.  Einstein says that if
you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
an hour.  But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
hour seems like a minute."
	The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
glass.
	The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
with a spoon,  flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
	The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips.  With
a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
down in one gulp.
	Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off.  Then, in a
firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
%
"At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
under the exhaust of a bus until he revived."
%
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day:  a true red-
blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.  The city-slicker
kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll
give you $10 for a blow job."  

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and
killed the city-slicker on the spot.  The lady gasped and said, "Thank
you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!  
No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!"
%
Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk.  He'd been
transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival.  Founded in
Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination of MBH by non-WASPs had taken
place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew.  Yet,
MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish."  It was
rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
	"I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
	"Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
	"The doctus?  Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
	"The test or the room?"
	"The tests or the room?  Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
	"The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
great workup, and when I asked you why you came to the House of God, all you
tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.'  So why did you come here?  Why, Bernie,
why?"
	"Vhy I come heah?  Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
		-- House of God
%
Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
		-- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
%
Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain
sight.  It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again.  The legend has it that St.
Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.  In fact, he was arrested for drunk
driving.  The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them.
%
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
		-- Fred Allen
%
Californians are a strange people.  They'll put every chemical known to God
and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
coffee.
%
"Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missile sighted, target
Los Angeles.  Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
%
Calvin:	"I wonder where we go when we die."
Hobbes:	"Pittsburgh?"
Calvin:	"You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
%
Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women.
		-- From the movie "Outrageous"
%
Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget
bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on on every neighborhood block.
I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side.
It was dark and empty, which suited my mood.  A fat, stubble-bearded,
middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a
beer.  He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head
to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown.  After a silence, I said, "Been to
a wedding?"
	He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh...
yeah."
	He silently finished his drink and left.  The bartender said, "You
know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows."
%
Chicagoan:	"So, where're you from?"
Hoosier:	"What's wrong with Indiana?"
%
"Cleveland?  Yes, I spent a week there one day."
%
Dallas still lives.  God MUST be dead.
%
France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear
the toilet paper.
		-- Billy Wilder
%
How can you say that the world isn't Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol?
%
How should they answer?
		-- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question
		"Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?"
%
I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
		-- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
%
I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the strange thing about
Italians -- they're so Jewish.
		-- Kay Ballard
%
I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.
		-- Will Rogers
%
I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust
an Englishman in the dark.
		-- Duncan Spaeth
%
I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family
is to bring a New Yorker home first.
%
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come
into my neighborhood after dark.
		-- Dick Gregory
%
I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words.
%
If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white.
%
If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the plantation
and go home.
		-- Eugene P. Gallagher
%
If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
have let me in on it by now.  I contribute enough to the shule.
		-- Saul Goodman
%
If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their
beauty and delicacy.  A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the
evening, who took him to her apartment.  They made delicious love all
evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms.  In the morning
the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror.  The lady lay in her
bed watching him.  Finally, she said softly,
	"Didn't you forget something?"
	"What did I forget?" asked the officer.
	"You forgot about the money," said the lady.
	"Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention. "A Polish
officer never accepts money."
%
Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf.  Since
the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of
cardinals to ask their advice.  "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him
a cardinal and let him play in your place.  Tell Shamir you couldn't make it."
	Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him.
When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done.  "I came
in second," Palmer replied.
	"You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?"
	"No, Your Holiness.  Rabbi Nicklaus did."
%
It seems that a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar.  The Scot
immediately singled out the bartender and proclaimed that drinks were
on the house, and that he expected him to serve only his best.  The next
day, the headlines read: Irish Ventriloquist Beaten to Death Behind Bar.
%
	It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
American were talking about love over some dry Martinis.  "Deed you know,
sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
	"Do tell?" said the American.  "Well, that's amazing.  In this
country there's only one."
	"Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly.  "And what eez
that?"
	"Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
	"Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman.  "Numbair 80!"
%
It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman
was learning his way around the campus.  Stopping a distinguished looking
upperclassman, he inquired,
	"Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?"
	"My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our
sentences with a preposition."
	"All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library
is at, asshole?"
%
	It's midnight.  The old man is awake, nervously pacing the floor, as
his 20-year-old son comes in.
	"Whatta you mean?  You staya out alla night, you runna around widda
bums.  Whatta you trying to do?"
	"Papa, don't talk like that," replies the boy.
	"Who-a you, tella me notta talka like that?  You no work, you
chase-a bad women, whatta become of you?"
	"Papa, *please* don't talk like that."
	"Don'ta talka like that?  Whatta you mean?  Why shouldn't I talka
likka that?"
	"Papa, we're not Italian."
%
It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.
		-- Sean O'Huiginn
%
	"Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and Jewish men?"
	"You really want to know?"
	"Yeah."
	"Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob?  And Catholic
girls fuck like bunnies."
%
Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food.
		-- From the movie "My Favorite Year".
%
Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep are scared and the women are grateful.
%
Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.  What ain't
fruits and nuts is flakes.
%
Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
man all my life.  Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
just once?"
	The despondent fellow returned week after week.  One day, Morris,
nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
I just want to win one little lottery."
	"As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
least meet Me halfway on this.  Buy a ticket!"
%
Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures.  One day,
without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation.  In
an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
prison.
	They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
them to name their contacts in the liberation movement...  Finally they're
hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
to death.
	The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
any last requests.  Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
Chicago.  The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
Murray.
	"This is crazy!" Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he
spits in the sergeants face.
	"Murray!" Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."
		-- Arthur Naiman
%
Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.

So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:

Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
	"So, how's your daughter?"
	"Oh, Rachel!  She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
	"Really?  Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
	"Yes, that's my Rachel."
	"That's... that's nice.  But isn't she the same one that married
		the doctor?"
	"Yes, that's her!"
	"But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
	"Yes, yes!"
	"Ahhh.  So much naches from one child!"
%
New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation; it's the asshole of the universe.
		-- Jonathan Michael Smith
%
Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient
tribes of Judea ... but you and I know what a Jew is -- one who killed
Our Lord ... A lot of people say to me "Why did you kill Christ?"  What
can I say?  It was an accident.  It was one of those parties that got out
of hand, you know...  We killed him because he didn't want to become
a doctor, that's why we killed him.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw
herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her.
The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he
went to notify the authorities.  Upon his return, he was horrified to find
a man making love to the corpse.
	"Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead,
that woman is dead!"
	"Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up.
"I thought she was an American!"
%
	On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third day's
income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
$283 on the desk before the cashier.
	"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.  That
route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"
	"Well, after three days on that cockamamy route, I figured
business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
%
On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into
Texas.  After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse
on a merry chase through the desert.  On the sixth day of the chase he was
apprehended.
	Sheriff-to-interpreter:	"Ask him where the money is."
	Interpreter-to-bandit:	"He wants to know where you hid the money."
	Bandit-to-interpreter:	"I'll never tell, never!"
	Interpreter-to-sheriff:	"He says he'll never tell, senor."
At this point, the sheriff loses his cool.  His town has been shot up, his
bank robbed, he's spent a week in the desert tracking this guy, and now he
says he'll never tell.  So he takes his pistol, jams it under the bandits'
chin, and, with the veins standing out on his neck, screams "Tell him to tell
me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!"
	Interpreter-to-bandit:	"He says if you don't tell him where the
		money is right now, he will kill you here."
	Bandit-to-interpreter:	"Do not kill me, senor, the money is hidden
		under the big tree at the pass!"
	Interpreter-to-sheriff:	"He says you ain't got the balls..."
%
Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel.  Ina morning I go down to
eat breakfast.  I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast.  She bringa me
only one piss.  I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate.  She says you
better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch.  I don't even know the lady
and she call me sonna bitch.  Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.  
The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock.  I tell her I wanna 
fock.  She tells me everone wanna fock.  I tell her "you no understand", I 
wanna fock on the table.  She say you better not fock on the table, you 
sonna bitch.  So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona 
my bed.  I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit.  He tella me to go
to the toilet.  I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed.  He say 
you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch.  I go to check out and the man 
at the desk say "peace to you".  I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch.  I 
gonna back to Italy.
%
One day on a busy street corner a huge, burly looking man walked up to a police
officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee-thid, and
thacramento ith?"
	The police officer didn't reply at all, but just looked away.
	The large man then asked again, but still no reply.  After a few more
attempts which the police officer studiously ignored, the frustrated man
walked away.  An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked,
"Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?"
The police officer replied,
	"Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!"
%
One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity
to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka.
	The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing,
put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back.  "Look,
Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?"
	"Mama asked, 'What's the matter?  You don't like the other one?'"
		-- Leo Rosten, "Hooray For Yiddish"
%
One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to
compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it.
%
One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create
goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy retail."
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?"  Well, it's really
quite simple.  They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes.
%
	Rosenberg wanted to leave the country.
	"And what is *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office.
	"I am told a pogrom is being prepared against the Jews and the 
barbers," replies Rosenberg.
	"Why the barbers?"
	"Everybody asks that question.  That's why I want to leave."
%
Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered
two new uses for sheep.  Meat and wool.
%

Cleveland still lives.  God MUST be dead.
%
Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
%
Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.  A shamus is at
the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's
a joke about that:

A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a
service,
	"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out,
	"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries,
	"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
The rabbi turns to the cantor and says,
	"Look who thinks he's nobody!"
%
So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope.
	"Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two
Polacks who --"
	"My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish."
The salesman thought for a moment.
	"That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly."
%
Social interaction can be fatal.  Come to Irvine and live forever.
%
State license plates we'd like to see:

	   NEVADA				MASSACHUSETTS
	  LVME 10DR				  OW-A CAH
LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS	   THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE

	   HAWAII				WISCONSIN
	   L-O HA				 CHEDDAR
FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND	    EAT CHEESE OR DIE
%
State license plates we'd like to see:

	ALABAMA					ARIZONA
	IC1 NOW					120  F
THE UFO SIGHTING STATE			THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE

	CONNECTICUT				MISSISSIPPI
	 5:36  EXP				  4I4S2PS
WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES	THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE

	TEXAS					FLORIDA
      1-2-3 HIKE				ZON KED
 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE			AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
%
State license plates we'd like to see:

	MICHIGAN				CALIFORNIA
       4-GET 74-77				EGO-MN-E-X
EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD	THE SERIAL KILLER STATE

	NORTH CAROLINA				NEW JERSEY
	  WL-GOLLY				 ARG GGH
HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS	   FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE

	  KANSAS				WASHINGTON DC
	  TOTO -2				$10000000 ETC
THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ	WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
	  MOVIE STATE
%
Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
		-- Wayne Oakes
%
The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child,
was propounded to me by my father:

	"What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up.
	"A herring," said my father.
	"A herring," I echoed.  "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
	"So hang it there."
	"But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
	"Paint it."
	"But a herring isn't wet."
	"If it's just painted it's still wet."
	"But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage,
		"a herring doesn't whistle!!"
	"Right, " smiled my father.  "I just put that in to make it hard."
		-- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
%
The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East.  They
treat the Arabs like postmen.
		-- Franklyn Ajaye
%
The president publicly apologized today to all those offended by his brother's
remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is Jews!".  Those
offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
		-- Channel 11 News, Baltimore, on Billy Carter
%
	The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average
Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement
of some pieces of wood.  Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the
field for many years in both chess and ax murders.  It is well known that as
early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to
national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and
incentive.  Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess
analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and
threatened them with a pointy stick.  That these tactics proved fruitless
is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way,
which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to
Iceland and get it from the Russians.
		-- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
%
The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
		-- Dennis Miller
%
The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
everybody and still nobody likes him.
		-- Jim Samuels
%
The white race is the cancer of history.
		-- Susan Sontag
%
The yankees, son, are up north.  The damnyankees are down here.
%
The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
	"Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
	"Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
%
Then there was the Scot that wanted to rob a jewelry store -- he tossed a
brick through the show window and ran off with a king's ransom.  They
caught him when he came back for the brick.
%
There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess -- and there are few
mistakes they have ever avoided.
		-- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
%
	There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
someone isn't Jewish.  For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
Larsen or Jenks.  But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish.  Why is
this?
	Who knows?  Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you
can find one?  Get serious.  You don't even understand why it's
forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter.  You don't
even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz?  Fat Chance.
		-- Arthur Naiman
%
There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in
a bar having a few drinks together. 
	The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to
drive your wife wild in bed?"
	"Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the
garden and pick some roses.  Then I take the petals off and put them all over
her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives
her wild with desire."
	"Interesting," the Englishman replies.  "After my wife and I make love
I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!"
Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does.
	"Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump
out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain.  And that REALLY drives
her wild."
%
Three fine Irish lads, O'Rourke, O'Malley and O'Donnell, worked together at
the local brewery.  One day, as fate would have it, O'Rourke fell into one
of the beer vats and drowned.  O'Malley and O'Donnell, completely crestfallen,
had to break the news to his wife.
	They went 'round the Widow O'Rourke's house and informed her that her
poor dear Patrick had drowned in a beer vat that very day.  Choking back her
tears, she asked them "Tell me now, did me poor Patty suffer much?"
	"I don't think so," replied O'Donnell. "He climbed out twice to take
a piss."
%
Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge.
The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for
selling ties without a license.  "What do you do for a living?" the judge
asked, pointing at the first girl.
	"Your honor, I'm a model," she replied.
	"Thirty days," was the sentence.  The judge turned to the second
girl.  "What do you do for a living?" he asked.
	"Your honor, I'm an actress."
	"Thirty days."  Then he turned to the third girl.  "And how about
you?" he demanded.
	"Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute.  I'm not proud of it, but it's
the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been
laid off."
	"For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence.
Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out."  Now he turns to Feldstein,
arrested for selling ties illegally.  "And you," he said, "what do you do
for a living?"
	"Your honor, I'm a prostitute.  I'm not proud..."
%
Tourist to New Yorker:
	"Pardon me, sir, do you know what time it is, or should I
	just go fuck myself?"
%
Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club 
car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
	"I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
London?"
	The American laughed.  "It was my home for two years during the war," 
he said.  "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
	The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
he say, Reggie?"
	"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
replied.
	After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You 
didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
	The American almost fell off his chair.  "Hot Pants Hazel!" he 
exclaimed.  "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months 
just before I came back to the States!"
	"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
	"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
%
Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house.  The
penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?"  The
owner then runs off to the sauna.  When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
away.  So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
the zoo, I did."  And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to 
the movies!"
%
Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time.
The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol.  On the other
side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold
watch.
	The next day, in school, the two boys are showing each other what
they got.  It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and
so they trade.
	That night, the Italian boy is at home and his father sees him
looking at his new watch.  "Where did you getta thatta watch?" he asks.
	The boy explains the trade, and the father blows his top.  "Whatta
you?  Stupidda boy?  Whatsa matta you!"
	"Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married.  Then maybe somma day
you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man.  Whatta
you gonna do then?  Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'"
%
Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square.  One of them says, "By
the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
	"No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
%
Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars.  Each one
orders two vodkas and immediately downs them.  They they order two more
and once again quickly throw them back.  They then order two more.  When
they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
toasts him, "Skoal!"
	The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey!  Did you come
here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
%
Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is
dropped.
		-- Franklyn Ajaye
%
W. Lafayette may not be the asshole of the universe...
	but you sure as hell can see it from there!
%
We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb
your cities.
		-- Robin Williams
%
When they tell me to stick it where the sun don't shine, I put it in Oregon.
%
World War III is about to break out, but hidden somewhere in Switzerland,
a small group of international statesmen are trying to avert disaster.
The key members of this group are the representatives from Moscow, Bonn, and
Jerusalem, who, despite their personal enmity, manage to forge a peaceful
settlement, at the last moment.  As the treaty is signed, and the war
postponed, almost entirely through the efforts of those three men, an angel
appears. "The earth is saved through the efforts of these three men!
Therefore, I will grant each of them their heart's desire!"
	So, the angel asks the German for his wish, and the German, recalling
the nearness of their disaster, and perceiving the cause to have been the
Russians, immediately says "I wish there were no more Russians!"  And God
said, "It will be done."
	The angel asks the Russian for his wish, which, of course, is "*I*
wish there were no more Germans!"  Replies the angel, "It will be done."
	So the angel asks the Jew for his wish.  The Jew is in a state of
shock. "Will you really grant the German's wish?" he asks, and the angel
avers.  "And the Russian's, too?"  The angel avers yet again.  Then the Jew
thinks a moment, leans back and says, "In that case, I think I'd like a small
cup of coffee."
%
You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the
wording:  "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person"
(unless her name is not "Miss Brown").  If you do not know a person's
age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card.  If you are
introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style
handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit,
such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)!  Good!"
		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
%
You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.  Please set your clocks back 200 years.
%
You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane.  And you
know what happens?  At the very moment they cross those mountains...
they go mad.  Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
		-- Quentin Genter
%
You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
%
1893 The ideal brain tonic
1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
	soda fountains
1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
1906 The drink of QUALITY
1907 Good to the last drop
1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze.  Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
1919 It satisfies thirst
1919 The taste is the test
1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
1922 Thirst knows no season
1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
		-- Coca-Cola slogans
%
1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
1929 The high sign of refreshment
1929 The pause that refreshes
1930 It had to be good to get where it is
1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
1935 The pause that brings friends together
1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
1938 The best friend thirst ever had
1939 Thirst stops here
1942 It's the real thing
1947 Have a Coke
1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
1963 Things go better with Coke
1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
1979 Have a Coke and a smile
1982 Coke is it!
		-- Coca-Cola slogans
%
	A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
game.  They had the volley of the Dills.
%
	A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
house of seven gobbles.
%
A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
		-- James Beard
%
	A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job.  He
kept favoring curry.
%
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
		-- Ziggy
%
	A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs.  On Friday morning her
husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
%
Actor:	So what do you do for a living?
Doris:	I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
	dishes for Chinese restaurants.
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
%
	"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
	"Diet."
%
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
%
Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
%
As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
the potato salad.
%
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season.  There is a simple
memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
		-- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
%
Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
		-- Derek Bok
%
BOO!  We changed Coke again!  BLEAH!  BLEAH! 
%
Boycott meat -- suck your thumb.
%
Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture.  Of course,
the same can be said of dirt.
%
Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
		-- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
%
Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
%
Consider the following axioms carefully:
	"Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
	and
	"Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker?  The
thought is frightening.  Is this how God came into being?  Try not to
consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
%
Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of
this complete breakfast".  The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be
watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for
a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky
Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food
such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete
breakfast".  Don't that really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast",
or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"?  And couldn't they make
essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of
shaving cream there, or a dead bat?

Answer: Yes.
		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
%
Death before dishonor.  But neither before breakfast.
%
Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...

Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
%
Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
%
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
%
Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
%
Do not worry about which side your bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
%
Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
Can you see your neck?
Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
	...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
		-- Garfield
%
	During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm.  He
stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an agressive Rhode
Island Red hopped on top.  Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
a Tory!"
%
Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
		-- Harry Secombe's diet
%
Eat drink and be merry!  Tommorrow you may be in Utah.
%
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
%
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
%
Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
%
"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work."
%
Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
%
Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
%
Even a cabbage may look at a king.
%
Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
%
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
		-- Alexander Woollcott
%
Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
that a belch is more satisfying.
		-- Ingmar Bergman
%
Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
%
Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
%
Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
		-- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo"
%
For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
protected species.
	Ingredients:
	  1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
	  2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
	  1 teaspoonful salt
	  8 oz. shredded suet
	  2 small onions
	1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
    
	Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water.  Soak in salt water
overnight.  Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
the side of pot.  Retain 1 pint of stock.  Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
half only).  Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
salt, pepper and stock to moisten.  Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
swelling.  Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over.  If bag not
available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
four to five hours.
%
Fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:

	I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
	"Hey you, get off my plate"
		-- Roger Midnight
%
Fortune's diet truths:
1:  Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
2:  Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
3:  Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate.  In fact, carob is not
    an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
4:  There is no such thing as a "fun salad."  So let's stop pretending and see
    salads for what they are:  God's punishment for being fat.
5:  Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
    appealing as tepid beer.
6:  A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
7:  You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
    low-cal."  Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver."  They aren't and
    it isn't.
8:  Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
9:  Fresh fruit is not dessert.  CAKE is dessert!
10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
    swallowing.
%
God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
%
GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7):  November 23, 1915

Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
%
Has anyone ever tasted an "end"?  Are they really bitter?
%
		        Has your family tried 'em?

			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS

		 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!

	    They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
	   the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.

			   POWDERMILK BISCUITS

	Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
	the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
		     stains that indicate freshness.
%
Have a taco.
		-- P.S. Beagle
%
Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
%
Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
		-- Jack Benny
%
	"How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
of her blonde companion.
	"Fishing through the ice," she replied.
	"Fishing through the ice?   Whatever for?"
	"Olives."
%
How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by
a waiter at a nice party?
	Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
d'oeuvre.  If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's
inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say:  "This is
cheese!  I hate cheese!"  Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and
bite another one and go, "Darn it!  Another cheese!" and so on.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
%
I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
with an option to buy.
%
I brake for chezlogs!
%
I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed.  Except perhaps the
time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
		-- Peter Oakley
%
I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial.  I don't like the idea of
a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
		-- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
%
I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
		-- Calvin Trillin
%
I don't even butter my bread.  I consider that cooking.
		-- Katherine Cebrian
%
I don't have an eating problem.  I eat.  I get fat.  I buy new clothes.
No problem.
%
"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
eat it, and I just hate it."
		-- Clarence Darrow
%
I have never been one to sacrifice my appetite on the altar of appearance.
		-- A.M. Readyhough
%
I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, 
in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.    
		-- Thoreau
%
I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. I think I saw God.
		-- B. Hathrume Duk
%
I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
%
I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
%
	"I thought you were trying to get into shape."
	"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
%
I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
%
I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
		-- Totie Fields
%
If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again.
%
If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
%
If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
%
If you are what you eat, does that mean Euell Gibbons really was a nut?
%
If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
restaurant.
		-- Snoopy
%
If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
%
If you stew apples like cranberries, they taste more like prunes than
rhubarb does.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
%
If you're going to America, bring your own food.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
If your bread is stale, make toast.
%
In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
		-- Josi Simon
%
Is there life before breakfast?
%
It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, to argue with the belly,
since it has no ears.
		-- Marcus Porcius Cato
%
IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."

Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them!  Man, wise up.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
%
It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings
about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still
safe to eat.
		-- Robert Fuoss
%
It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
%
It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
have been all over it.
		-- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine.
%
Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
Pick one.

	 (1)	It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
	 (2)	It's cheaper than going to France.
	 (3)	It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
	 (4)	Life is short.
	 (5)	It's somebody's birthday.  I don't want them to celebrate alone.
	 (6)	It matches my eyes.
	 (7)	Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
	 (8)	To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
	 (9)	Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
	(10)	Strawberry shortcake is evil.  I must help rid the world of it.
	(11)	I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
	(12)	It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
%
Killing turkeys causes winter.
%
Kissing don't last, cookery do.
		-- George Meredith
%
Kitchen activity is highlighted.  Butter up a friend.
%
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
the pillow was gone.
		-- Tommy Cooper
%
Last week's pet, this week's special.
%
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
%
Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it.  You have to
eat it nevertheless.
		-- Flaubert
%
"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
%
Life is like a tin of sardines.  We're, all of us, looking for the key.
		-- Beyond the Fringe
%
Life is like an egg stain on your chin -- you can lick it, but it still
won't go away.
%
Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes
you weep.
		-- Carl Sandburg
%
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer and then you find
there is nothing in it.
		-- James Huneker
%
Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
		-- Storm Jameson
%
Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
		-- Sanka Ad
%
Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from.  And when
you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
		-- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
%
Lobster:
	Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only
proper method of preparing them.  Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked.
The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea
floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs.  Grasp the lobster
behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say,
"Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a
scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural
apparatus you call a memory!"  The lobster will squirm noticeably.  It may
even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.  Incorrigible.  Pop it into
the pot.  Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will
be, too.
		-- Dave Barry, "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and
		   Utensils into Excuses and Apologies"
%
Man who arrives at party two hours late will find he has been beaten
to the punch.
%
MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)

  Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie	36 RITZ Crackers
2 cups water				 2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons cream of tartar		 2 tablespoons lemon juice
  Grated rind of one lemon		   Butter or margarine
  Cinnamon

Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate.  Break
RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate.  Combine water, sugar
and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes.  Add lemon
juice and rind.  Cool.  Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon.  Cover with top
crust.  Trim and flute edges together.  Cut slits in top crust to let
steam escape.  Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
is crisp and golden.  Serve warm.  Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
		-- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
%
Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
		-- E.W. Howe
%
Mountain Dew and doughnuts...  because breakfast is the most important meal
of the day.
%
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.  Unless there
are three other people.
		-- Orson Welles
%
My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
		-- Senator Hubert Humphrey
%
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
%
Never drink coke in a moving elevator.  The elevator's motion coupled with
the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations.  People tend to change into
lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
window.  Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.
%
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
%
Never eat more than you can lift.
		-- Miss Piggy
%
No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after
eating one peanut.
		-- Channing Pollock
%
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
		-- Charlie Brown
%
Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next
time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV
to plug her latest book.  And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for
eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself
the following questions:

	(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a
	    food?
	(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
	    exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
	(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as
	    prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with
	    double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai?  (Remember, living
	    right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like
	    longer.)

That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
%
Peanut Blossoms

4 cups sugar           16 tbsp. milk
4 cups brown sugar     4 tsp. vanilla
4 cups shortening      14 cups flour
8 eggs                 4 tsp. soda
4 cups peanut butter   4 tsp. salt

Shape dough into balls.  Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes.  Immediately top each cookie with a
Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie.  Makes a
heck of a lot.
%
Pete:	Waiter, this meat is bad.
Waiter:	Who told you?
Pete:	A little swallow.
%
Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
%
Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
%
Prunes give you a run for your money.
%
Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.  Let it simmer.  Meanwhile,
broil a good steak.  Eat the steak.  Let the chili simmer.  Ignore it.
		-- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
		   of Texas.
%
Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
%
Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled with
one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two deserts.
		-- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
%
RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
	(1)  Never eat on an empty stomach.
	(2)  Never leave the table hungry.
	(3)  When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
	(4)  Enjoy your food.
	(5)  Enjoy your companion's food.
	(6)  Really taste your food.  It may take several portions to
	     accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
	(7)  Really feel your food.  Texture is important.  Compare,
	     for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
	     brownie.  Which feels better against your cheeks?
	(8)  Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
	(9)  Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate.  You
	     can always eat it later.
	(10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
	(11) Avoid blue food.
		-- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
%
Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
%
Save gas, don't eat beans.
%
Seeing is deceiving.  It's eating that's believing.
		-- James Thurber
%
So much food; so little time!
%
Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in
the milk.
		-- Thoreau
%
The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit called
the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in writing -- "100
percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would be heated up and then
cooled back down in electronic devices immediately before serving.  The
Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg,
Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a
bottle and a little slip of paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12."  The
Lunch or Dinner Patty would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in
the morning. The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were
starting to emit a serious aroma.  Patties that were too rank even to be
Seafood Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
		-- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
%
The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
and tourist handouts.  This bear has learned to open car doors in
Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
of thousands of dollars a year.  Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
%
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
at the steam fitters' picnic.
%
The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
		-- John McNulty
%
	   THE DAILY PLANET

	SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
	Plans to "Eat it later"
%
The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
%
The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases.  For
instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we eat?"
the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we have lunch?".
		-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%
The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill.  It is
the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
world by man, woman and child alike.  An astounding 350 billion kosher
dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
per day.  New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
really changed my life.  I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
And now, just look at me."
%
The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the klutz said,
	"Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
	"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"
	"How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"
%
The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
bite of fire.  You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
in your hands.  The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
starts a long, long time before the event.
		-- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
		   from "Congress Eate It Up"
%
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served
the family nothing but leftovers.  The original meal has never been found.
		-- Calvin Trillin
%
"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."
		-- D. Letterman
%
The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
of the barbecue.
%
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
%
The only thing better than love is milk.
%
The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", which is
also sometimes called "grape sugar," and also because "Grape Nuts" is
catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and
Gravel," which is what it tastes like.
		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
%
The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.

Cowboy:	"Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess.  Hardworkin'.
	Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."

Horse:  "No, stupid, not feed*back*.  I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
%
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later
you're hungry again.
		-- George Miller
%
The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
%
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a
series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of
food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection
increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the
affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no
circumstances can the food be omitted.
		-- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour
%
There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is one
of them.
%
There are twenty-five people left in the world, and twenty-seven of
them are hamburgers.
		-- Ed Sanders
%
There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the
man who eats Grape-Nuts on principle.
		-- G.K. Chesterton
%
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
%
There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
%
Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
This is Betty Frenel.  I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
Food-a-holics partner.  I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
and mushroom.  Jim, come and get me!
%
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
%
	... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal
lives as well.  When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as
determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people buy
imported dental floss.  They buy gourmet baking soda.  If an '80s couple
goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three weeks in
advance, and they are informed that their table is available, they stalk
out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent restaurant.  If
it were, it would have an enormous crowd of excellence-oriented people
like themselves waiting, their beepers going off like crickets in the
night.  An excellent restaurant wouldn't have a table ready immediately
for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli.
		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
%
	To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
	The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction.  For the first time, an
eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
pint of ice cream nearby.
		-- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
%
To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly.  It was
agreeable, too -- it really was -- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading.  It was the triumph of
mind over matter; quite.
		-- Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
%
Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
%
Too Late
	A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
the two o'clock boats.  If their object in going down was to participate in
the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
		-- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
%
Two peanuts were walking through the New York.  One was assaulted.
%
Vegetables are what food eats.
Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
Fish are fast moving vegetables.
Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
		-- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
%
Vegeterians beware!  You are what you eat.
%
Waiter:	"Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
	(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
%
Wake up and smell the coffee.
		-- Ann Landers
%
What foods these morsels be!
%
What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
		-- Titus Lucretius Carus
%
What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
enemies.  Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
out of him.
		-- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
%
When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
%
When all else fails, EAT!!!
%
When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional
cheese dip.
		-- Ignatius Reilly
%
	"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
"what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
	"What's for breakfast?" said Pooh.  "What do you say, Piglet?"
	"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet.
	Pooh nodded thoughtfully.  "It's the same thing," he said.
%
When you're dining out and you suspect something's wrong, you're probably right.
%
Where do you go to get anorexia?
		-- Shelley Winters
%
While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
		-- Edward Stevenson
%
Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the pure in heart
can make a good soup.
		-- Ludwig Van Beethoven
%
Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?  It's quite uncanny.
%
Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
%
Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
way he did.  In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
important to him than his table or his white robe.
		-- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
%
Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
%
You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. Fruitcakes
make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to
damage them.  They last forever, largely because nobody ever eats them.  In
fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes they receive and send them back
to the original givers the next year; some fruitcakes have been passed back
and forth for hundreds of years.

The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound
some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet.  Be sure to wear safety glasses.
		-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
%
You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles.
		-- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
%
You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
		-- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
%
You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
		-- S. Rickly Christian
%
You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
		-- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
%
You must dine in our cafeteria.  You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
%
You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, another $2
if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and another $2 for each
"special" he describes involving confusing terms such as "shallots," and $4
if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In many restaurants, this means the
waiter will actually owe you money. If you are traveling with a child aged
six months to three years, you should leave an additional amount equal to
twice the bill to compensate for the fact that they will have to take the
banquette out and burn it because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets
made of partially chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.

In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his hemorrhoids.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
%
Your mind is the part of you that says,
	"Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
	"Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
		-- Steven and Ondrea Levine
%
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
%
A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
%
A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
%
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.

Buy the negatives at any price.
%
A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
%
A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
%
A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
%
A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
%
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
%
Accent on helpful side of your nature.  Drain the moat.
%
Advancement in position.
%
After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
%
Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.
%
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
%
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
%
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
%
An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
%
An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
%
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
%
Are you a turtle?
%
Are you ever going to do the dishes?  Or will you change your major to biology?
%
Are you making all this up as you go along?
%
Are you sure the back door is locked?
%
Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
%
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
%
Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
%
Avoid reality at all costs.
%
Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
%
Be careful!  Is it classified?
%
Be careful!  UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
%
Be cautious in your daily affairs.
%
Be cheerful while you are alive.
		-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
%
Be different: conform.
%
Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
get used to it.
%
Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.
%
Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
%
Best of all is never to have been born.  Second best is to die soon.
%
Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your
life in such a mess.
%
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
%
Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
%
Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
%
Beware of Bigfoot!
%
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
%
Beware the one behind you.
%
Blow it out your ear.
%
Break into jail and claim police brutality.
%
Bridge ahead.  Pay troll.
%
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
%
Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
%
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
%
Change your thoughts and you change your world.
%
Cheer Up!  Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
%
Chess tonight.
%
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
%
Chicken Little was right.
%
Cold hands, no gloves.
%
Communicate!  It can't make things any worse.
%
Courage is your greatest present need.
%
Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
%
Do not overtax your powers.
%
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
%
Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
%
Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
%
Do what comes naturally.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
%
Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
%
Don't feed the bats tonight.
%
Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
%
Don't get to bragging.
%
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
%
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
%
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
%
Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
%
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
%
Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
%
Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
%
Don't plan any hasty moves.  You'll be evicted soon anyway.
%
Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
%
Don't read everything you believe.
%
Don't relax!  It's only your tension that's holding you together.
%
Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
%
Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
%
Don't Worry, Be Happy.
		-- Meher Baba
%
Don't worry.  Life's too long.
		-- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
%
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
%
Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
%
Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
%
Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
%
Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
%
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
%
Excellent time to become a missing person.
%
Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
%
Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
%
Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
%
Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
%
Fine day for friends.
So-so day for you.
%
Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
%
Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

Oh, and have a nice day!
		-- Bryce Nesbitt '84
%
Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
%
Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
%
Give him an evasive answer.
%
Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.
%
Give your very best today.  Heaven knows it's little enough.
%
Go to a movie tonight.  Darkness becomes you.
%
Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
%
Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
%
Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.
%
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
%
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
%
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
%
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
new lover.
%
Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
%
Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
%
If you can read this, you're too close.
%
If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
365 useless things.
%
If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
%
If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
%
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
%
If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
%
In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
%
Increased knowledge will help you now.  Have mate's phone bugged.
%
Is that really YOU that is reading this?
%
Is this really happening?
%
It is so very hard to be an 
on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you
grown-up.
%
It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
%
It was all so different before everything changed.
%
It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
		-- Churchy La Femme
%
It's all in the mind, ya know.
%
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
%
Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is
not worth sending.
%
Just to have it is enough.
%
Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
%
Keep it short for pithy sake.
%
Lady Luck brings added income today.  Lady friend takes it away tonight.
%
Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
%
Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
%
Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
%
"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
		-- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
%
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
%
Long life is in store for you.
%
Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
%
Love is in the offing.  Be affectionate to one who adores you.
%
Make a wish, it might come true.
%
Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
%
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
%
Never commit yourself!  Let someone else commit you.
%
Never give an inch!
%
Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
%
Never reveal your best argument.
%
Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
%
Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
%
Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
%
People are beginning to notice you.  Try dressing before you leave the house.
%
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
%
Questionable day.

Ask somebody something.
%
Reply hazy, ask again later.
%
Save energy: be apathetic.
%
Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
%
Slow day.  Practice crawling.
%
Snow Day -- stay home.
%
So this it it.  We're going to die.
%
So you're back... about time...
%
Someone is speaking well of you.
%
Someone is speaking well of you.

How unusual!
%
Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
%
Stay away from flying saucers today.
%
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
%
Stay the curse.
%
That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
%
The time is right to make new friends.
%
The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
		-- George Gobel
%
There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
%
There is a fly on your nose.
%
There was a phone call for you.
%
There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
%
Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
%
Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
%
This life is yours.  Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.
%
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
%
Time to be aggressive.  Go after a tattooed Virgo.
%
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
%
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
%
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
%
Today is the last day of your life so far.
%
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
%
Today is what happened to yesterday.
%
Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
%
Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately,
it can still be changed today.
%
Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
%
Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.
%
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
%
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
in eucalyptus trees.
%
Truth will out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
%
Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.
%
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
%
Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
%
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
%
Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
%
Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
%
What happened last night can happen again.
%
While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and
are making another attack.
%
Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
%
You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
%
You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
%
You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
%
You are always busy.
%
You are as I am with You.
%
You are capable of planning your future.
%
You are confused; but this is your normal state.
%
You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
%
You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the
department of transportation.
%
You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
%
You are fairminded, just and loving.
%
You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
%
You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
%
You are going to have a new love affair.
%
You are magnetic in your bearing.
%
You are not dead yet.  But watch for further reports.
%
You are number 6!  Who is number one?
%
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
%
You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.  Therefore you
have few friends.
%
You are sick, twisted and perverted.  I like that in a person.
%
You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
%
You are standing on my toes.
%
You are taking yourself far too seriously.
%
You are the only person to ever get this message.
%
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
%
You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.
%
You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior executive.
%
You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt
is concerned.
%
You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
%
You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body.
%
You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
%
You dialed 5483.
%
You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
%
You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
%
You enjoy the company of other people.
%
You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.
%
You fill a much-needed gap.
%
You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
%
You had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had to
leave it behind.
%
You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
%
You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
%
You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. 
A pity that it's totally undeserved.
%
You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
%
You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
%
You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.
%
You have a truly strong individuality.
%
You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.
%
You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
%
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
%
You have an unusual equipment for success.  Be sure to use it properly.
%
You have an unusual magnetic personality.  Don't walk too close to
metal objects which are not fastened down.
%
You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.
%
You have been selected for a secret mission.
%
You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
%
You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
%
You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
%
You have many friends and very few living enemies.
%
You have no real enemies.
%
You have taken yourself too seriously.
%
You have the body of a 19 year old.  Please return it before it gets wrinkled.
%
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.
%
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
%
You learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE
"SOMEONE ELSE."
%
You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
%
You look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled.
%
You look tired.
%
You love peace.
%
You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
%
You may be gone tomorrow, but that doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
%
You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely 
larger than others.
%
You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
%
You may get an opportunity for advancement today.  Watch it!
%
You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
be sold.
%
You need more time; and you probably always will.
%
You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
%
You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
%
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
%
You now have Asian Flu.
%
You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
%
You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.
%
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
%
You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.
%
You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
%
You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.
%
You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
%
You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially
if they are dead.
%
You should go home.
%
You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
%
You teach best what you most need to learn.
%
You too can wear a nose mitten.
%
You two ought to be more careful--your love could drag on for years and years.
%
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
%
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
%
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
%
You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
%
You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.
%
You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.
%
You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
%
You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
%
You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
%
You will be awarded some great honor.
%
You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
%
You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
%
You will be dead within a year.
%
You will be divorced within a year.
%
You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
%
You will be held hostage by a radical group.
%
You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.
%
You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.
%
You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
%
You will be married within a year.
%
You will be misunderstood by everyone.
%
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
%
You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
%
You will be run over by a beer truck.
%
You will be run over by a bus.
%
You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
%
You will be successful in love.
%
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
%
You will be surrounded by luxury.
%
You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
%
You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
%
You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
%
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
%
You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
%
You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
%
You will contract a rare disease.
%
You will engage in a profitable business activity.
%
You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
%
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
%
You will forget that you ever knew me.
%
You will gain money by a fattening action.
%
You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
%
You will gain money by an illegal action.
%
You will gain money by an immoral action.
%
You will get what you deserve.
%
You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
%
You will have a long and boring life.
%
You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
%
You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
%
You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
%
You will have long and healthy life.
%
You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
%
You will inherit millions of dollars.
%
You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
%
You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
%
You will live to see your grandchildren.
%
You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise
salesman.
%
You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
%
You will never know hunger.
%
You will not be elected to public office this year.
%
You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
%
You will outgrow your usefulness.
%
You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
%
You will pass away very quickly.
%
You will pay for your sins.  If you have already paid, please disregard
this message.
%
You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
%
You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
%
You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
%
You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
%
You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
%
You will soon forget this.
%
You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
%
You will step on the night soil of many countries.
%
You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your
brakes are defective.
%
You will triumph over your enemy.
%
You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
%
You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
%
You will wish you hadn't.
%
You work very hard.  Don't try to think as well.
%
You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough to worry.
%
You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
%
You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
%
You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.
%
You'll be sorry...
%
You'll feel devilish tonight.  Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's
heel.
%
You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
%
You'll never be the man your mother was!
%
You'll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately,
they're not all recommended.
%
You'll wish that you had done some of the hard things when they were easier
to do.
%
You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
%
You're almost as happy as you think you are.
%
You're at the end of the road again.
%
You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
%
You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
%
You're definitely on their list.  The question to ask next is what list it is.
%
You're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that
you're growing into.
%
You're not my type.  For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
%
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
%
You're working under a slight handicap.  You happen to be human.
%
You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
%
Your aim is high and to the right.
%
Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
%
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a
thing he tells you.
%
Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't
really worth having.
%
Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
%
Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
%
Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
%
Your business will assume vast proportions.
%
Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
%
Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
%
Your domestic life may be harmonious.
%
Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
%
Your goose is cooked.
(Your current chick is burned up too!)
%
Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
%
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
%
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
%
Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
%
Your love life will be... interesting.
%
Your lover will never wish to leave you.
%
Your lucky color has faded.
%
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
%
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.
%
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.
%
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.
%
Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be
misinterpreted by somebody.
%
Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
%
Your object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life.
%
Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
%
Your present plans will be successful.
%
Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
%
Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
%
Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
%
Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
%
Your step will soil many countries.
%
Your supervisor is thinking about you.
%
Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
%
Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.
%
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
%
=======================================================================
||								     ||
|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture!  ||
||	   Watch for it at a theater near you next summer!	     ||
||								     ||
=======================================================================
	Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
			"Fortune Cookie"
	Directed by Steven Spielberg.
	Starring  Harrison Ford  Bette Midler  Marlon Brando
		  Christopher Reeves  Marilyn Chambers
		  and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
	Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
	Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
	Read the Warner paperback!
	Invoke the Unix program!
	Soundtrack on XTC Records.
	In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
		centers.
%
3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
and display work.  This product is called "Craft Mount".  3M suggests
that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky."  I did not know what "aggressively
tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.

		[And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
%
		Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:

	(1) None.  (Moses didn't have an ark).
	(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
	(3) I don't know.
	(4) Who cares?
	(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3).  Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
	    Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
	(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
	    book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
	    bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
	    Papyrus Books).
%
Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
%
By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.  In fact, it is as
difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent.
		-- R. Emerson
		-- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
		(whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
		[to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
		misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"  Ed.]
%
Chocolate chip.
%
			DELETE A FORTUNE!
Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!
Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system?
You can!  Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most,
and we'll make sure it gets expunged.
%
Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program?  It makes a
selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes.  Why not
try it, and see how offended you are?  The -a ("all") option will
select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
%
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
Violators will be prosecuted.
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
%
For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
%
For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
%
Fortune's current rates:

	Answers				.10
	Long answers			.25
	Answers requiring thought	.50
	Correct answers			$1.00

	Dumb looks are still free.
%
Generic Fortune.
%
Ginger snap.
%
Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to
defuse project tensions?  When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
	Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions.  This
still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only
serves to blunt the warning signs.

	Long live the revolution!
	Have a nice day.
%
Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
%
I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, but
I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what it means.
%
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
%
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
%
If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
%
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
%
Ignore previous fortune.
%
In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
%
(null cookie; hope that's ok)
%
Oatmeal raisin.
%
Oreo.
%
Pardon this fortune.  Database under reconstruction.
%
Pick another fortune cookie.
%
Please ignore previous fortune.
%
Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
%
Sorry, no fortune this time.
%
The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
%
There is no such thing as fortune.  Try again.
%
This fortune cookie program out of order.  For those in desperate need,
please use the program "________randchar".  This program generates random
characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
something profound.  It will, however, take it no time at all to be
more profound than THIS program has ever been.
%
This Fortune Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
%
This fortune intentionally left blank.
%
This fortune intentionally not included.
%
This fortune intentionally says nothing.
%
This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose invaluable assistance
last night would never have been possible.
%
This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
%
This fortune is false.
%
This fortune is inoperative.  Please try another.
%
This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
%
This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
%
This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
%
THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM

If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
contribution of a pithy fortunes, clean or obscene?  We cannot continue
without your support.  Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors.
That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride.  We can't go on like
this much longer.  Federal cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless
user contributions increase to make up the difference, the fortune program
will have to shut down between midnight and 8 a.m.  Don't let this happen.
Mail your fortunes right now to "fortune".  Just type in your favorite pithy
saying.  Do it now before you forget.  Our target is 300 new fortunes by the
end of the week. Don't miss out.  All fortunes will be acknowledged.  If you
contribute 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide.  If you contribute 50 or more,
you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
%
This is your fortune.
%
Vanilla wafer.
%
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
%
WARNING:
	Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
	mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
	of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
	of your favorite war.
%
We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
%
What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
%
When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
%
You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
%
A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch.  He'd been prospecting for 
more than a year.  
	"Hey!  Y'got any wimmen around here?"
	"Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
	"I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled.  He
downed his drink and left disgustedly.
A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
this part of town?"
	"Nope.  Nary a one.  But we still got George in the back room."
	Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of 
thing," and turned on his heel and left.
	Within a year he came back from his mine again.  With a wild look on
his face he re-entered the saloon.  Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people
'round here would know?"
	"Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess."
	"Seven!?"
	"Yep.  You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down.  You see,
George don't go for that kind of thing neither."
%
A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works.
		-- Bobby Knight
%
A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of
the bar.  After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his
right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers.  Anyone have a problem with
that?"
	When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey,
downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're
all cocksuckers.  Anyone have a problem with that?"
	Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink.  Suddenly, a man
on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy.  "Hey, asshole!"
the thug bellowed.  "You got a problem with what I said?"
	"No problem at all," came the reply.  "I was just sitting at the wrong
end of the bar."
%
A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream.  "Help! Help, I
can't thwim!"  One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned
over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream.  Just reach out
and grab that buoy near you."  To which the floundering sodomite answered,
"Buoy!  Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!"
%
A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him
three straight scotches.  The bartender complied, and watched as he downed
them one after another.
	"Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath.
	"Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job."
	"Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me."
	"No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get
the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will."
%
	A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers.  The
bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
	"I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
	About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
6 chasers.  So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
	To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
are lovers."
	Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
NINE shots and NINE beers.  The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
in your family like pussy?"
	"Yeah.  Me and my sister."
%
A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom.  I got laid!"
	She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
work.  "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
should keep it a secret.  Women just don't understand these things."
	So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
"You get laid today, Billy?"
	"Yeah, Dad."
	"How was it?"
	"Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
	"Good Boy!".
	A month later: "You get laid today?"
	"No, Dad."
	"No?  How come?"
	"Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore."
%
A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve
himself.  When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis
he has ever seen.  As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member
of the tiny man dressed in green.  The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him
if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
	The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can
grant you three wishes."
	"Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
	"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the
ladies, the thing not fittin' and all...  I'll grant you your three wishes
if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come."  The man is a bit taken
aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless.  After
the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away.
	The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?"
	Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?"
	"25."
	"Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"
%
Another stupid gay joke!!!
	You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
daquiri.  The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't 
serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
in and kick your ass?"
	The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
thurstay...."
	Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon 
as he's done.  A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the 
bar.  He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
	From the back of the bar comes the cry...  "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
%
	Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
boat into the lake.  Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
	By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
teeth were chattering like all get out.  Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
	Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
Leroy, listen closely.  Bubba is in great danger.  He has hy-po-thermia.  Now
what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him.  Then you all
get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
You understand me Leroy?  You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
	Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
pier.  "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
	"Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
%
	Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
and stuck out his hand.  "Son," he said.  "Tell the truth.  It ain't better
than fried chicken, is it?"
	Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
	"I got to be dead honest, Roy."
	And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
	Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
finest I've ever had."
		-- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
%
Everyone:	"Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you,
		Amen!"
Bruce:		"Another two!  (Bottles opening.)  Any questions?"
Bruce:		"New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?"
Bruce:		"Are you a Poofter?"
New-Bruce:	"No!"
Bruce:		"No.  Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules:
	Rule One!"
Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
Bruce:		"Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos
	in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching.  Rule Three?"
Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
Bruce:		"Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not
	drinking.  Rule Five..."
Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
Bruce:		"Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six.  Rule Seven..."
Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
Bruce:		"Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.  This
	here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a
	bottle, you can hold it in your hand.  Amen!
		-- Monty Python
%
Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around.  Who else would take a
flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught?
		-- Rita Rudner
%
For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral
sex on him, but to no avail.  His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was
simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let
alone attempt it.  But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and
one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act.  When it was
over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I,
sweetheart?"
	He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no cocksucker!"
%
He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat -- scared it'd get
serious.
%
	"Hello, Police Department."
	"This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court.  I've just been sexually 
molested by a pervert, right here in my own home.  It was horrifying!"
	"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
	"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask.  I was napping
on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off.  I was so frightened!  He
held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly.  What could I do?  I
couldn't stop him.  He was huge.  A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty 
pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible.  He had an
erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
throat; forced me to suck it.  Yes, officer!  There was no escaping this man.
Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on 
my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
say it, he put that huge thing...  It must have been a foot long, and I don't
know how thick... into my...  Just a minute."
	"What's the matter, mister?"
	"Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
%
HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
	A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to
become a homosexual.  Every year, millions of young men and women, just
like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality.
They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever.  Send 50 cents
today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques".  Be sure to specify the
male or female edition.
%
If God doesn't destroy San Francisco, He should apologize to Sodom and
Gomorrah.
%
In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay
chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the
principal factor.  The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been
sucked into it.
%
In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
		-- Will Durst
%
	Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been
disqualified from entering.
	Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?"
	"Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered.
	"I never did that," Liberace replied.  "Can't you check your records?
They *must* be wrong!"
	"It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse
parakeet with black trim."
	"Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace
replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..."
%
Little Boy Blew... he needed the money.
%
One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting.  Feeling a sudden need
to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped
his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and
bit him on his penis.  Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend
Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to
call a doctor.
	"There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor
gravely.  "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of
the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not
much hope."
	Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and
cried out, "Fred, what'd he say?  What did the doctor say?"
	"George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die."
%
Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a
state of great libidal distress.  Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a
dove flying by.  "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter)
and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest.  Feathers flew, and
eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they
shout, too):
	"I'm a dove!  I've been loved!  And I LIKE it!"
	Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he
was at it again.  All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers
flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted:
	"I'm a lark!  I've been sparked!  And I LIKE it!"
	As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of
amor... lib... you know!  This time, all that happened by was... a duck!
So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck
tottering to the cliffside and shouting:
	"I'M A DRAKE!  THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE!  AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
%
	Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty
immensely profitable years in the construction business.
	"You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have
constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but
am I known as Sam the Builder?  No.
	And over the years I have contributed literally millions of
dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called
Sam the Philanthropist?  No sir!
	But suck one little cock..."
%
The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS is trying to convince
your parents that you're Haitian.
%
The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard.  From resplendent comb
to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood.  Almost immediately
upon arrival, he was greeted by and elderly rooster who took him behind the
barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime.  All I
want now is peace and solitude.  So you take over right now as ruler of the
roost with my blessings."
	The newcomer did just that.  He went about his squirely duties as only
a young rooster could.  After several days, however, the elder rooster again
took the young champion behind the barn.  "Kid," he said, "the hens are after
me for giving up my position so readily.  So why don't we have a race, say,
ten laps around the farmhouse?  The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the
henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me.
	The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.  
Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead.  His counterpart, 
weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to
overtake him.  As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster 
maintained a formidable lead.
	Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out.  The young rooster fell in the 
dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot.
	"Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer.  "That's the last rooster we buy
from Ferguson.  Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
%
The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the
community.  The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald.
%
The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a
hearing.  The lad before his desk, a very popular young fellow, was angrily
accusing one of his schoolmates of having assaulted him sexually.
	"I must warn you, m'boy, this is a very serious charge, the warden
said.
	"I don't care.  I tell you it is true.  He raped me, warden."  The
youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner.
"That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against
nature.  The bully!"
	"Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened."
	"Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same 
evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on
Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since."
%
Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or 
swear, and never, ever made a pass at her.  He also made his own dresses.
%
There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco -- the pervertible.
The top doesn't go down, but the driver does.
%
	This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters
with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands
dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him.
	"Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks.
	Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim,
the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next
requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
	"Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the
guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of
being so helpless.
	"Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door.  "I can't do a
*thing* 'til my nails dry!"
%
	Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they
were rear-ended by a huge semi.  Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
driver.  "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
	Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to 
deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
"Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
	"Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
to be able to settle out of court."
%
Two gentlemen met at the club after a long absence and talked.
	"Did you hear about Chumley?", one asked.
	"No, old man, what about him?"
	"Last seen in Africa, you know."
	"No, I didn't."
	"Yes.  Appalling.  Ran off with a gorilla.  Fallen in love."
	"Queer."
	"Not Chumley.  Female gorilla."
%
Two men and a woman were stranded on a desert island --

Two weeks later, the woman was so ashamed of what she had been doing,
she committed suicide.

Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they had been doing,
they buried her.

Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they had been doing,
they dug her back up.
%
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a
divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."

What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge
in unusual sex practices?"

"No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."
%
Well, it seems that there was this traveling saleswoman whose car broke
down, late at night, in the middle of a torrential downpour.  Hoping to
find a phone she ran to a nearby farmhouse.  When she was unable to find
a garage still open, the farmer told her that, while they were short of
beds, she could sleep with his daughter.  The daughter proved to eighteen
and beautiful.  So they went to bed, and shortly afterward, the saleswoman
rolled over toward the daughter and said, "Dear, I'm sure that you're aware
that some women like... to be with... other women.  Let me be frank..."
	"No!" interrupted the daughter, sternly.  "This time *I* want to
be Frank!"
%
 WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU MEET A QUEER PERSON:
                        HINTS FOR HETEROSEXUALS
 
 
1.      Do not run screaming from the room.  This is rude.
 
2.      If you must back away, do so slowly and with discretion.
 
3.      Do not assume she/he is attracted to you.
 
4.      Do not assume he/she is not attracted to you.
 
5.      Do not assume that you are not attracted to her/him.
 
6.      Do not expect him/her to be as excited about meeting a straight
        person as you may be about meeting a queer person.
		-- ae606@freenet.carleton.ca (Victoria Edwards)
		   [soc.women.lesbian-and-bi]
%
Women's Libbers are OK.  I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
%
You'll be a guest at a gay party that will have important consequences for you.
%
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street and...  Ooohh, that's much better.
		-- Steven Wright
%
A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
quiet place in which to rest.  One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
"Come on down."  But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
flies.  He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper.  All those flies are trapped."  "Don't be
silly," said the fly, "they're dancing."  So he settled down and became stuck
to the flypaper with all the other flies.

Moral:  There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
		-- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
%
A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths.
		-- Steven Wright
%
	A MODERN FABLE

Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
far too subtle for the youth of today.  Children need an updated message
with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
today's minute attention span.

	The Troubled Aardvark

Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
in his brand new 4x4.  He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled
children.  One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
personal effort he could make to change the status quo.  Overcome by a
wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.

MORAL OF THE STORY:  Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
		-- Tom Annau
%
A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
		-- Walt Kelly
%
"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
		-- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
%
		Accidents cause History.

If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
All men are mortal.  Socrates was mortal.  Therefore, all men are Socrates.
		-- Woody Allen
%
All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried to
rob a department store... with a pricing gun...  She said, "Give me all
of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
		-- Steven Wright
%
And now for something completely different.
%
And now for something completely the same.
%
	"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
	No, Ma'am.  Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
		-- Monty Python
%
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Being Ymor's right-hand man was like being gently flogged to death with
scented bootlaces.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
%
Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
none of his friends like him either.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
"Boy, life takes a long time to live."
		-- Steven Wright
%
Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others.  Bozos are people who band
together for fun and profit.  They have no jobs.  Anybody who goes on a
tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street?  Because there's a Bozo
on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
They're the huge, fat, middle waist.  The archetype is an Irish drunk
clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin.  Fields, William Bendix.
Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness.  It has Oz in it.  They mean
well.  They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes.  They
like their comforts.  The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
which is all the time.
		-- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
%
But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
I meant no harm;  I just liked the explosions.  And I was careful never to
kill more than I could eat.
		-- Raoul Duke
%
"But I don't like Spam!!!!"
%
	"But I don't want to go on the cart..."
	"Oh, don't be such a baby!"
	"But I'm feeling much better..."
	"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
		-- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
%
Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
fast.  People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there.  They often
wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
they wanted to be.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
%
Death didn't answer.  He was looking at Spold in the same way as a dog looks
at a bone, only in this case things were more or less the other way around.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
%
Decorate your home.  It gives the illusion that your life is more
interesting than it really is.
		-- C. Schulz
%
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
just whipped out a quarter?
		-- Steven Wright
%
"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
sincerely, extremely dangerously.

They used dogs.  They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs.
They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They used
intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used finks.
They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used fallaron.  They
used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints.  They used the
bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile.  They used treachery.
They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.  They used applied physics.
They used techniques of criminology.  And what the hell, they caught him.
		-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
%
Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
		-- Walt Kelly
%
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It's already tomorrow
in Australia.
		-- Charles Schulz
%
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Eternity is a terrible thought.  I mean, where's it going to end?
		-- Tom Stoppard
%
Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
exactly, make people laugh.  That's why they were called "wise men." All the
other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with spears, and the
wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: Would you please take my
wife?  No.  How about: Here is my wife, please take her right now.  No How
about: Would you like to take something? My wife is available.  No.  How
about ..."
		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
%
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
are a pretty neat idea ...
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
		-- Bill Cosby
%
First, a few words about tools.

Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the
laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure
yourself.  Today, people tend to take tools for granted.  If you're ever
walking down the street and you notice some people who look particularly
smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for granted.  If I were you,
I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...  I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out.
		-- Steven Wright
%
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed
with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.
		-- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
%
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
%
He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
		-- Steven Wright
%
"Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like
`Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
		-- Jay Leno
%
Hey, what do you expect from a culture that *drives* on *parkways* and
*parks* on *driveways*?
		-- Gallagher
%
High Priest:	Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
Bro. Maynard:	And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
	saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
	smash our enemies to tiny bits."  And the Lord did grin, and the
	people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
	breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
High Priest:	Skip a bit, brother.
Bro. Maynard:	And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
	out the holy pin.  Then shalt thou count to three.  No more, no less.
	*Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
	counting shall be three.  *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
	count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three.  Five is
	RIGHT OUT.  Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
	then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
	naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.  Amen.
All:	Amen.
		-- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
%
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
		-- William Gilbert
%
Humorists always sit at the children's table.
		-- Woody Allen
%
I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern
unstoned.
		-- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
%
I am getting into abstract painting.  Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
I just think about it.  I just went to an art museum where all of the art
was done by children.  All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I am two with nature.
		-- Woody Allen
%
I argue very well.  Ask any of my remaining friends.  I can win an argument on
any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and steer clear of me at
parties.  Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
		-- Dave Barry
%
	"I assure you the thought never even crossed my mind, lord."
	"Indeed?  Then if I were you I'd sue my face for slander."
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
%
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
		-- Gilda Radner
%
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.

What a crock.  I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
grammar.  For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
United States would have lost World War II."
		-- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
%
"I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now
when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ..."
		-- Steven Wright
%
I could dance with you till the cows come home.  On second thought, I'd rather
dance with the cows till you come home.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that
either.
		-- Jack Benny
%
I don't get no respect.
%
I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds.  I hold them above
globes.  They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
		-- Bruce Baum
%
I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
		-- Woody Allen
%
I finally went to the eye doctor.  I got contacts.  I only need them to
read, so I got flip-ups.
		-- Steven Wright
%
"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?'  He
said, 'Phoenix.'  So I pushed Phoenix.  A few seconds later the doors
opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix.  I looked
at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around
with.'  We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.
Then the phone rang.  He said 'You get it.'  I picked it up and said
'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...'
The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...
It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we
would just like to know what happened to the money?'  I said, 'Mr. Jones,
I'll give it to you straight.  I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it if you never
called me again."
		-- Steven Wright
%
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now
when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
farther, trying to see it clearly)...  and says, "Here, you can go."
		-- Steven Wright
%
I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
theater.  So I bought the album.  I got kicked out of a theater the
other day for bringing my own food in.  I argued that the concession
stand prices were outrageous.  Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
long time.  I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
$2.50.  I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl.  I once took a cab to
a drive-in movie.  The movie cost me $95.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I had no shoes and I pitied myself.  Then I met a man who had no feet,
so I took his shoes.
		-- Dave Barry
%
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
it's going to be up all night.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I have a box of telephone rings under my bed.  Whenever I get lonely, I
open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call.  One day I dropped the
box all over the floor.  The phone wouldn't stop ringing.  I had to get
it disconnected.  So I got a new phone.  I didn't have much money, so I
had to get an irregular.  It doesn't have a five.  I ran into a friend
of mine on the street the other day.  He said why don't you give me a
call.  I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
doesn't have a five.  He asked how long had it been that way.  I said I
didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I have a dog; I named him Stay.  So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
Stay, here..." but he got wise to that.  Now when I call him he ignores me
and just keeps on typing.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I have a friend whose a billionaire.  He invented Cliff's notes.  When
I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
I just... to make a long story short..."
		-- Steven Wright
%
I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.  I keep
it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you've seen some of it.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I have a map of the United States.  It's actual size.  I spent last summer
folding it.  People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
		-- Steven Wright
%
I have a rock garden.  Last week three of them died.
		-- Richard Diran
%
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.  Every once
in a while I turn it on and off.  On and off.  On and off.  One day I
got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
		-- Steven Wright
%
I have an existential map.  It has "You are here" written all over it.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident.
I hit a bookmark.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
The answer is twelve?  I think I'm in the wrong building.
		-- Charles Schulz
%
I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.  I may not get
there, but I'm going first class.
		-- Art Buchwald
%
"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour!  This is what
entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."
		-- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
%
I met my latest girl friend in a department store.  She was looking at
clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
I poured spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats
on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
		-- Steven Wright
%
	"I said I hope it is a good party," said Galder, loudly.
	"AT THE MOMENT IT IS," said Death levelly.  "I THINK IT MIGHT GO
DOWNHILL VERY QUICKLY AT MIDNIGHT."
	"Why?"
	"THAT'S WHEN THEY THINK I'LL BE TAKING MY MASK OFF."
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I should have been a country-western singer.  After all, I'm older than
most western countries.
		-- George Burns
%
I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers -- they're going
to make a game out of it.
		-- Woody Allen
%
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full
house and four people died.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do too
much damage if it catches fire or explodes.  First you decide which
direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy.  After much
trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot tub to face
is up.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me.  Last week I went to the track
and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table.  I said,
"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
		-- Firesign Theatre
%
I thought there was something fishy about the butler.  Probably a Pisces,
working for scale.
		-- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
%
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
twenty minutes.

It's about Russia.
		-- Woody Allen
%
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
The weatherman said "I don't understand it.  I was supposed to be 80
degrees today," and I said "Oops."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
I never have to go upstairs.

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
front of it in only eight minutes.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I used to live in a house by the freeway.  When I went anywhere, I had
to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights.  Now it looks
like I'm the only one moving.

I was pulled over for speeding today.  The officer said, "Don't you know
the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?"  And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
to be out that long."

I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out.  Now
my car goes 500 miles an hour.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere near
the place.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I was at this restaurant.  The sign said "Breakfast Anytime."  So I
ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance.
		-- Steven Wright
%
"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn.  By accident I
put the car key in the door lock.  The house started up.  So I figured
what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times.  I thought I
should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
get off my driveway."
		-- Steven Wright
%
I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
around here often?"  She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself?  I feel like
that all the time..."
		-- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
%
I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a lengthy
argument about what I considered an Odd number.
		-- Steven Wright
%
I was the best I ever had.
		-- Woody Allen
%
"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific".
		-- Steven Wright
%
"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?

He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
for him then.
		-- Steven Wright
%
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums."
		-- Steven Wright
%
I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.  I told my roommate,
"Isn't this amazing?  Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
replaced with an exact replica."  He said, "Do I know you?"
		-- Steven Wright
%
I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me,
"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
		-- Steven Wright
%
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
above the ground.  That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
feel it.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
I'll be comfortable on the couch.  Famous last words.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
I'm going to Boston to see my doctor.  He's a very sick man.
		-- Fred Allen
%
I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
		-- Woody Allen
%
I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
		-- Spider Robinson
%
I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens.
		-- Woody Allen
%
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
have made them cute and furry. 
		-- Dave Barry
%
If only Dionysus were alive!  Where would he eat?
		-- Woody Allen
%
If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit
in my name at a Swiss bank.
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
people die past the age of a hundred.
		-- George Burns
%
If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
say they had a nice time.  Now you'll be be expected to throw another party
next year.
	What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been
indicted for anything.  You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a
recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their
own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one ...
	If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
through your living room window.  As host, your job is to make sure that
they don't arrest anybody.  Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
		-- Dave Barry
%
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
		-- Woody Allen
%
If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe?
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
%
In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow.  All those who
think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the devil gets her
pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up as a human sperm,
please raise your hands.  Thank you.
		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
%
In like a dimwit, out like a light.
		-- Pogo
%
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
		-- Steven Wright
%
It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
they seem.  For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time.  But
conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.

Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
misinterpreted ...
		-- Douglas Admas "The Hitchhikers' Guide To The Galaxy"
%
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
		-- Woody Allen
%
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
unhappy.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
%
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
		-- Steven Wright
%
It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Last night the power went out.  Good thing my camera had a flash....
The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
		-- Steven Wright
%
Last year we drove across the country...  We switched on the driving...
every half mile.  We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
I don't remember what it was.
		-- Steven Wright
%
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
		-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
%
Life is wasted on the living.
		-- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe.
%
Like you,  I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
place in the Scheme of Things.  Here are just a few:

	Q -- Is there life after death?
	A -- Definitely.  I speak from personal experience here.  On New
Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
headache.  Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead.  I
guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
		-- Dave Barry
%
Man 1:	Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good joke is.

Man 2:	OK, what is the most impo --

Man 1:	______TIMING!
%
	"Many have seen Topaxci, God of the Red Mushroom, and they earn the
name of shaman," he said.  Some have seen Skelde, spirit of the smoke, and
they are called sorcerers.  A few have been privileged to see Umcherrel, the
soul of the forest, and they are known as spirit masters.  But none have
seen a box with hundreds of legs that looked at them without eyes, and they
are known as idio--"
	The interruption was caused by a sudden screaming noise and a flurry
of snow and sparks that blew the fire across the dark hut; there was a brief
blurred vision and then the opposite wall was blasted aside and the
apparition vanished.
	There was a long silence.  Then a slightly shorter silence.  Then
the old shaman said carefully, "You didn't just see two men go through
upside down on a broomstick, shouting and screaming at each other, did you?"
	The boy looked at him levelly.  "Certainly not," he said.
	The old man heaved a sigh of relief.  "Thank goodness for that," he
said.  "Neither did I."
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
		-- Walt Kelly
%
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
		-- Steven Wright
%
My friend has a baby.  I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant.
		-- Steven Wright
%
	My friends, I am here to tell you of the wonderous continent known as
Africa.  Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
Africa.  Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule:  Up at
6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00.  Pretty soon we were back in bed by
6:30.  Now Africa is full of big game.  The first day I shot two bucks.  That
was the biggest game we had.  Africa is primerally inhabited by Elks, Moose
and Knights of Pithiests.
	The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
annual conventions.  And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water.  They
weren't looking for a water hole.  They were looking for an alck hole.
	One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
pajamas, I don't know.  Then we tried to remove the tusks.  That's a tough
word to say, tusks.  As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
imbedded so firmly we couldn't get them out.  But in Alabama the Tuscaloosa,
but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
	We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
So we're going back in a few years...
		-- Julius H. Marx [Groucho]
%
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
		-- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
%
Nirvana?  That's the place where the powers that be and their friends hang out.
		-- Zonker Harris
%
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
%
Now is the time for all good men to come to.
		-- Walt Kelly
%
	Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
to be avoided than harped upon.
	Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
about helping to postpone this reunion.
		-- Douglas Adams
%
One doesn't have a sense of humor.  It has you.
		-- Larry Gelbart
%
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.  Inside a dog it's too
dark to read.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to
spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to
indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest
person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you
are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other
passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they
have plenty of food and water.
		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
%
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
		-- Steven Wright
%
Rincewind formed a mental picture of some strange entity living in a castle
made of teeth.  It was the kind of mental picture you tried to forget.
Unsuccessfully.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
		-- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With Pogo"
%
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
		   Teen Should Know"
%
Showing up is 80% of life.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to celebrate
it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around stringing
cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on "The Waltons".
Well, you can forget it.  If everybody pulled that kind of subversive stunt,
the economy would collapse overnight.  The government would have to
intervene: it would form a cabinet-level Department of Holiday Gift-Giving,
which would spend billions and billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls
and electronic games, which it would drop on the populace from Air Force
jets, killing and maiming thousands.  So, for the good of the nation, you
should go along with the Holiday Program.  This means you should get a large
sum of money and go to a mall.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
back my head and gargle.  Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
me because I am beautiful.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
		-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
%
The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities.
Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to
park in.  Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also
dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big
difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES.  You're allowed to
do anything.  You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want.
I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup
truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie"
on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the
accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular,
whereas I was neither.  This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall
parking lots.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
The best cure for insomnia is to get a  lot of sleep.
		-- W. C. Fields
%
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
is a match.
		-- Will Rogers
%
The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
		-- Art Buchwald
%
The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
		-- Benjamin Franklin.
%
	The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
the subject of towels.
	Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value.  For
some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc.  Furthermore,
the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
a dozen other items that he may have "lost".  After all, any man who can
hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
reckoned with.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
		-- Steven Wright
%
	"The pyramid is opening!"
	"Which one?"
	"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
		-- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
		   Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
%
		The Three Major Kind of Tools

* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
manner that they function perfectly.  (These are your hammers, maces,
bludgeons, and truncheons.)

* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot.  (Awls)

* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
(Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull
by the tail and face the situation.
		-- W.C. Fields
%
There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
		-- Walt Kelly
%
There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
becoming an endangered synthetic.
		-- Lily Tomlin
%
Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
		-- Will Rogers
%
This land is full of trousers!
this land is full of mausers!
	And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
		-- Firesign Theater
%
Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
		-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%
TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
real fast and freak everybody out.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
		-- Walt Kelly
%
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
		-- Walt Kelly
%
We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
		-- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
%
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's worse,
what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
What is comedy?  Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
them puke.
		-- Steve Martin
%
	"What shall we do?" said Twoflower.
	"Panic?" said Rincewind hopefully.  He always held that panic was
the best means of survival; back in the olden days, his theory went, people
faced with hungry sabretoothed tigers could be divided very simply into
those who panicked and those who stood there saying "What a magnificent
brute!" and "Here, pussy."
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
		-- Steven Wright
%
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
I had any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"
		-- Steven Wright
%
When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well.
I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
		-- Steven Wright
%
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
		-- Steven Wright
%
Will Rogers never met you.
%
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
		-- Steven Wright
%
Would you *______really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
		-- George Carlin
%
You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?
		-- Steven Wright
%
	"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
when I was young!"
	"Why, what did she tell you?"
	"I don't know, I didn't listen."
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
You may already be a loser.
		-- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.
%
You'd better beat it.  You can leave in a taxi.  If you can't get a taxi, you
can leave in a huff.  If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
		-- Jim Samuels to a heckler

Ah, yes.  I remember my first beer.
		-- Steve Martin to a heckler

When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
		-- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
%
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
%
A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
		-- Carl Sandburg
%
A child of five could understand this!  Fetch me a child of five.
%
A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
%
A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
right?"  And Santa says, "Yes, I do."  The little kid then asks, "And you
know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
%
	A young married couple had their first child.  Their original pride
and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
child had never uttered any form of speech.  They hired the best speech
therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail.  The child simply refused
to speak.  One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
	The couple is stunned.  The man, in tears, confronts his son.  "Son,
after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
	Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
%
About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor of
the plain people is the stork.
%
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was, that they escaped
teething.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look like you ...
		-- Gilda Radner
%
	After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several 
minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
	"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
name for my baby."
	"But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
	"That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first name."
%
And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower.  "This," cried the Mayor,
"is your town's darkest hour!  The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
to come to the aid of their country!" he said.  "We've GOT to make noises in
greater amounts!  So, open your mouth, lad!  For every voice counts!"  Thus he
spoke as he climbed.  When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
he shouted out, "YOPP!" 
	And that Yopp...  That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
Finally, at last!  From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
They rang out clear and clean.  And they elephant smiled.  "Do you see what
I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small.  And their
whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
	"How true!  Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo.  "And, from now
on, you know what I'm planning to do?  From now on, I'm going to protect
them with you!"  And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO!  From
the sun in the summer.  From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
them.  No matter how small-ish!"
		-- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
%
Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
%
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
tried taking candy from a baby.
		-- Robin Hood
%
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...

	Are you sure you're telling the truth?  Think hard.
	Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
	If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
	Do you feel bad?  How do you think I feel?
	Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
	Don't you know any better?
	How could you be so stupid?
	If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
	You can't fool me.  I know what you're thinking.
	If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
%
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...

	Do as I say, not as I do.
	Do me a favour and don't tell me about it.  I don't want to know.
	What did you do *this* time?
	If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
	When I was your age...
	I won't love you if you keep doing that.
	Think of all the starving children in India.
	If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
	I'm going to kill you.
	Way to go, clumsy.
	If you don't like it, you can lump it.
%
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...

	Go away.  You bother me.
	Why?   Because life is unfair.
	That's a nice drawing.  What is it?
	Children should be seen and not heard.
	You'll be the death of me.
	You'll understand when you're older.
	Because.
	Wipe that smile off your face.
	I don't believe you.
	How many times have I told you to be careful?
	Just beacuse.
%
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...

	Good children always obey.
	Quit acting so childish.
	Boys don't cry.
	If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
	Why do you have to know so much?
	This hurts me more than it hurts you.
	Why?  Because I'm bigger than you.
	Well, you've ruined everything.  Now are you happy?
	Oh, grow up.
	I'm only doing this because I love you.
%
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...

	When are you going to grow up?
	I'm only doing this for your own good.
	Why are you crying?  Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
		cry about.
	What's wrong with you?
	Someday you'll thank me for this.
	You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
	Don't you have any sense at all?
	If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
	Why?  Because I said so.
	I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
%
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...

	You wouldn't understand.
	You ask too many questions.
	In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
	That's for me to know and you to find out.
	Don't let those bullies push you around.  Go in there and stick
		up for yourself.
	You're acting too big for your britches.
	Well, you broke it.  Now are you satisfied?
	Wait till your father gets home.
	Bored?  If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
	Shape up or ship out.
%
Article the Third:
	Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
	enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change.  Public announcements and
	guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
Article the Fourth:
	The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
	and not the "feeder".  Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
	face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
Article the Fifth:
	Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
	a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
	lights are out.  They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
	to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
		-- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
%
Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
%
Because we don't think about future generations, they will never forget us.
		-- Henrik Tikkanen
%
Billy:	Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
	generation to generation?
Mom:	Yes?
Billy:	Well, this generation dropped it.
%
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
	Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
the father spanked them.  His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
%
Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
%
Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like them.  That's
when they come over and violate your body space.
%
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
%
Children are unpredictable.  You never know what inconsistency they're
going to catch you in next.
		-- Franklin P. Jones
%
Children begin by loving their parents.  After a time they judge them.
Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
%
Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
		-- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
%
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
the walk before it stops snowing.
		-- Phyllis Diller

There is no need to do any housework at all.  After the first four years
the dirt doesn't get any worse.
		-- Quentin Crisp
%
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's
beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning
them at birth.
%
Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
		-- Robert Heinlein
%
Fertility is hereditary.  If your parents didn't have any children,
neither will you.
%
For adult education nothing beats children.
%
For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
%
FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5

	"And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
		-- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
%
FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6

	"Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
		-- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
%
Get Revenge!  Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
%
			-- Gifts for Children --

This is easy.  You never have to figure out what to get for children,
because they will tell you exactly what they want.  They spend months and
months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning
cartoon-show advertisements.  Make sure you get your children exactly what
they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices.  If your child thinks
he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd
better get it.  You may be worried that it might help to encourage your
child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial
tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not
get the right gift.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters
needs pounding.
%
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
%
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
		-- Martin Mull
%
How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
		-- Linus Van Pelt
%
"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
chatting with persons who've never existed.  Such carryings-on in our peaceable
jungle!  We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle!  And I'm here to
state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
through!"  And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
	"With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
You're going to be roped!  And you're going to be caged!  And, as for your dust
speck...  Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-Nut oil!"
		-- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
%
I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows."  Then they would get
embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
They're still living in the fifties.
		-- Strange de Jim
%
	I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
the sky blue?"
	HE asked me about black holes in space.
	(There's a hole *where*?)

	I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
	HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
	(Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)

	I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
	HE talked internal combustion engines.
	(The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")

	I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
as equals.
	HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
the graphics.

	Then puberty struck.  Ah, adolescence.
	HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
	(Gotcha!)
		-- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
%
I hate babies.  They're so human.
		-- H.H. Munro
%
I know what "custody" [of the children] means.  "Get even."  That's all
custody means.  Get even with your old lady.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
I love children.  Especially when they cry -- for then someone takes them away.
		-- Nancy Mitford
%
I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
words and an implicit sense of her departure.  It's so curious: one can
resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But
then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
		-- Letters From Colette
%
I tell ya, I was an ugly kid.  I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's
picture that came with the wallet he bought.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."  One of them said,
"So will you."
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
more mature than I am.
%
I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.
		-- Will Rogers
%
If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.  If this doesn't
work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
%
If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
		-- G.B. Shaw
%
If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
		-- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
%
If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
		-- Chief Dan George
%
If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
		-- Bette Davis
%
If your mother knew what you're doing, she'd probably hang her head and cry.
%
Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
%
It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
%
It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
		-- Kingsley Amis
%
It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
		-- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
%
It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
		-- Arthur Binstead
%
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
%
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
%
Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
%
Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents.  If you could
travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
grubs and berries like dad primate.  Then you'd see the primate
teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
		-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
%
Lies!  All lies!  You're all lying against my boys!
		-- Ma Barker
%
Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
%
Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.
%
Life is like a diaper -- short and loaded.
%
Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children.
Life is the other way around.
		-- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
%
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
		-- Jules Feiffer
%
May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
%
May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
%
MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me.  I
remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
drive and drive.

I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
played.  I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad."  We'd eat
some stuff or not and then I think we went home.

I guess some things never leave you.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
Microwaves frizz your heir.
%
My boy is a mean kid.  I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias.  Well,
only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
a bulls-eye on the back.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."  One of them
said, "So will you."
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
		-- Iphicrates
%
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
For years I tried smart.  I recommend pleasant.
		-- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
%
My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
		-- Sue Murphy
%
My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife.
		-- Friday
%
My parents went to Niagara Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
%
My ritual differs slightly.  What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
hop into the shower stall.  Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
of while he showers.  Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
-- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift.  Then I hop
right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets.  Perhaps several of them.
		-- Dave Barry
%
Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
tolerated until they acquire some sense.
		-- William Phelps
%
Never have children, only grandchildren.
		-- Gore Vidal
%
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
		-- Erma Bombeck
%
Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
unprotected.
		-- Robert Orben
%
Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
%
No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
%
No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
signs of improvement.
		-- Florida Scott-Maxwell
%
Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order
for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of
their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.
		-- Lewis Lapham
%
	On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
tomatoes.  Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks.  So I picked up one and threw
it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
at my brother.  He whipped one back at me.  We ducked down by the vines,
heaving tomatoes at each other.  My sister, who was a good person, said,
"You're going to get it."  She bent over and kept on picking.
	What a target!  She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
she looked like the side of a barn.
	I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground.  It looked like it
had sat there a week.  The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
and it was very juicy.  I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice.  I had
to decide quickly.  I decided.
	A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
man doing a belly-flop.  With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after
faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice.  And my sister, who was a
good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears.  I guess she knew that
the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
		-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
%
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
		-- George Herbert
%
One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
enough to give you presents they make at school.
		-- Robert Byrne
%
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
%
Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
%
Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have
much of anything to do with it.
%
Please, Mother!  I'd rather do it myself!
%
Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
		-- Thomas Berger
%
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore
them long enough.
%
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth
to a child.  She must be found and stopped.
		-- Sam Levenson
%
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they grow up,
they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
%
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
%
That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
		-- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
%
The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.
%
	The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
ceremoniously handed it to the defendant.
	"Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist.  "You have just become a
father!"
%
The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
		-- Logan Pearsall Smith
%
The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable
Christian forbearance among men.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half
by our children.
		-- Clarence Darrow
%
The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
%
The future is a myth created by insurance salesmen and high school counselors.
%
The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
to be good.
		-- John Barrymore
%
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
		-- Ashley Montague
%
The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
		-- Laurence J. Peter
%
"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon."
		-- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
		   Over and Over"
%
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
%
The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
%
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four
and eighteen.  At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
%
"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."
		-- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
%
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
		-- Dr. Who
%
There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.
%
Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
%
Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
%
	Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
ocean.  After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
%
We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
before we are fit to participate in society.
		-- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
		   Correct Behaviour"
%
We are the people our parents warned us about.
%
What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few of
us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once were,
long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit till
at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he look
peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all the wars
and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and discovery in
life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond their grasp
before they were five years old.
		-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
%
What's done to children, they will do to society.
%
When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
		-- Brian Aldiss
%
When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.  By the time I was
20, he had made great improvement.
%
When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
%
Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
%
Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? Just
picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your children
open their old-fashioned presents.

Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"

You:	"A spinning top!  You spin it around, and then eventually it falls
down.  What fun!  Ha, ha!"

Son:	"Is this a joke?  Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer with 
two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, and I get this 
cretin TOP?"

Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad?  Look at this."

You:	"It's figgy pudding!  What a treat!"

Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
		-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
%
You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have,
for instance.
		-- Franklin P. Jones
%
"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time," Margaret
Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978 she shocked
feminists by snapping that women don't really have children to put them in
day care twelve hours a day, either.
		-- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
%
You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
%
Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine.  You
need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
picture star.  If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
success.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
Youth is such a wonderful thing.  What a crime to waste it on children.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Youth is the trustee of posterity.
%
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
%
Youth.  It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
%
A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing
into trees.  At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same
forest, with identical results.  They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing.
	"Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally,"
apologized the rabbit.
	"That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same
problem!"
	"All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do
you think you could help me find out?"
	"I'll try," said the snake.  He gently coiled himself around the
rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail
and long ears.  You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!"
	"Great!" said the rabbit.  "Thanks, I really owe you one!"
	"Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either.  Do you
suppose you could try and tell me?"
	The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake.  "Well, you're low, cold
and slimey..."  And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have
no balls.  You must be an attorney!"
%
A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender.  One
evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
the back door.  Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base.  This proved too
much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
	Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
after the last customers had gone.  Approaching the back door he was startled
to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
	Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't.  You know
the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
%
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
		-- Ben Franklin
%
A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks.  "Professional
courtesy," he explained.
%
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
a fund for his funeral.  The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
a shilling.  "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
an attorney?  Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
%
A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates lawyers more than he
hates his wife.
%
	A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
for a living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do
all day?"
	Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
	"That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
	Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman."
	"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
	Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
	The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father
answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
an explanation.
	Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney.  But how do
you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"
%
	A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
	The housewife replied, "Four!".
	The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4.  Let me run those figures
through my spread sheet one more time."
	The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
%
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
		-- Robert Frost
%
	A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.  After he had
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
would like on it.  "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
lawyer.
	"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter.  "In this
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.  However,
I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay."
	"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
	"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter.  "people will read it
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
%
A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and
exceptional ability in that particular field."
%
	A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
ability in that particular field."
%
	A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
"Do you serve lawyers here?".
	"Sure do," replied the bartender.
	"Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
my 'gator."
%
	A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
%
A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
%
A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized rosewater.
%
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
%
According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest:  "No person
shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
the returns."
%
According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least
once a year.
%
After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
comparative law.  In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
except that which is permitted.  In France, under the law, everything
is permitted, except that which is prohibited.  In the Soviet Union,
under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
permitted.  And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
especially that which is prohibited.
		-- Newton Minow,
		Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985
%
	After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
Heaven.  As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
to be created."
	"This is true," He replied.
	"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
	"What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the
right to make his laws?"
	"Oh, no!"  Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
make his own."
	It was so granted.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
to a motion may not be amended.  However, a substitute for an amendment to
and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
		-- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
		language.
%
An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree murder.
"Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's mutilated body into
a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.  Just north of Tijuana a cop
spotted her hand sticking out of the suitcase.  Now, I would like to stress
that my client is *___not* a murderer.  A sloppy packer, maybe..."
%
An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded summation,
leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your arguments, Sir
Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey responded, "That may be,
Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
%
And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought
he was melting...
%
Another day, another dollar.
		-- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
		   upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
		   Reagan.
%
Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
%
Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
or street lamp.
%
Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
suspects who are innocent of a crime.  That's contradictory.  If a person
is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
		-- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
%
Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
the issue afterwards.
%
Behold the warranty -- the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
%
Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to
do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with
the judges.
		-- Beyond the Fringe
%
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
%
... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be
proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge
to mankind.  The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women 
were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still 
unimpeachable.  The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and 
in law.  Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than
the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death.  If
there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute
of value.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
trousers that don't match.
%
Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the
most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion.  A judge of the Court of
Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which
reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression
nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would
but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground
nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)."
		-- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973
%
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
%
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
asked him, after a few days.
	"Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
%
[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:

(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
    confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
    a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
    of $850 million.  These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
    including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
    cigarettes in the lockers.  As far as anyone can tell, the locker
    factory puts them there.
(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
    announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
    piece of human sleaze.  This also never fails, because you always
    get a conviction.  A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
    state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
    where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
    fire extinguisher.  He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
    vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
    impression.
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
damage inflicted on the vehicle.
%
Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
		-- Cary Grant
%
Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
		-- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
%
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
Carolina.
%
First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
Dial-A-Wombat.
	It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
	Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
	But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
	The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
	Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
another phone booth.
	There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
	The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
released it, too, in the scrub.
	But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
	After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
	Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
telephone booths.
		-- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980.
%
For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
		-- Gore Vidal
%
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed an
affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an exciting
few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
	"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
	"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be
better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
%
Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:

It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
as that in support of an affirmative.
		-- 254 Pac. Rep. 472.
%
Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:

We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
seems to us that someone has been very careless.
		-- 78 So. 365.
%
Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:

We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
		-- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466.
%
Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
	No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
with a club.  The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
apply to female horses.
%
Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful
Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan.  During an
impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and
clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following
exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.

DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are
	 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.
HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?
DINGELL: They may or may not be natural.  The simple fact of the matter
	 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out
	 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large
	 amounts of fertilization ...
HOFFMAN: Wait a minute!  I do not want to go into that.  There are many
	 teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:

Q:  Are you married?
A:  No, I'm divorced.
Q:  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A:  A lot of things I didn't know about.
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:

Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A:  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:

Q:  You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
    and you didn't scream?
A:  No ma'am.
Q:  Does that mean you consented?
A:  No, ma'am.  That means I was unconscious.
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:

THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
	   information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any ...
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:

Q:  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A:  I will be three months November 8th.
Q:  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A:  Yes.
Q:  What were you and your husband doing at that time?
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:

Q:  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A:  No.
Q:  What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A:  Picking them up in the air.
Q:  Where was the dog at this time?
A:  Attached to the ears.
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:

Q:  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
    able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
    go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
    him to the station?
MR. BROOKS:  Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot.
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:

Q:  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A:  By death.
Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:

Q:  What is your name?
A:  Ernestine McDowell.
Q:  And what is your marital status?
A:  Fair.
%
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:

Q:  What happened then?
A:  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q:  Did he kill you?
A:  No.
%
Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie.
%
"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a 
dark prison cell?  Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little 
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
%
Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
		-- Melvin Belli on the occcasion of his getting kicked out
		   of the American Bar Association
%
	God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all.
	When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just where do you
think you're going to find a lawyer?"
%
Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
those who govern.  The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
will of those who administer that machinery.  The most important element of
government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
		-- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
%
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
%
"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you
can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height
on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car
or a job?  Do you ever walk around?  If so, you probably have the makings of
an excellent legal case.  Although of course every case is different, I
would definitely say that based on my experience and training, there's no
reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a cabin
cruiser.

"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our motto
is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
		-- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
%
	Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
%
	How do you insult a lawyer?
	You might as well not even try.  Consider: of all the highly
trained and educated professions, law is the only one in which the prime
lesson is that *winning* is more important than *truth*.
	Once someone has sunk to that level, what worse can you say about them?
%
HR 3128.  Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986.  Martin, R-Ill., motion
that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits.  The Senate amendment
was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill.  The original Senate amendment
was the conference agreement on the bill.  Agreed to.
		-- Albuquerque Journal
%
Humor in th Court:
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q.  And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.  O.K.? What school do 
    you go to?
A.  Oral.
Q.  How old are you?
A.  Oral.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q.  And who is this person you are speaking of?
A.  My ex-widow said it.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A.  I refuse to answer that question.
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A.  I refuse to answer that question.
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A.  No.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q.  Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A.  No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q.  How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A.  Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, 
    and said he was really good.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q.  Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition 
    notice which I sent to your attorney?
A.  No.  This is how I dress when I go to work.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q.  Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A.  I should be.
Q.  How many times have you comitted suicide?
A.  Four times.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q.  Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A.  Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q.  Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A.  Yes, sir.
Q.  Before or after he died?
%
Humor in the Court:
Q.  What is your brother-in-law's name?
A.  Borofkin.
Q.  What's his first name?
A.  I can't remember.
Q.  He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first 
    name?
A.  No.  I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
    pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first
    name!
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial 
   instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was
   a victim?
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
   with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top
   of my head.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective 
   witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch--and 
   she did!
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
%
Humor in the Court:
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
%
I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
		-- Fratianno
%
I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
kind of loophole.
		-- Leo Kessler
%
I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving
are worth considering, to wit:

[110.13]:
       "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
        to interfere with oncoming traffic."

[22.17b]:
       "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience.  The best
        recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
        game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
        on the highway."

[41.16]:
       "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
        asking for it."
%
I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving
are worth considering, to wit:

[131.16d]:
       "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
        inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
        a U-turn on a divided highway."

[96.7b]:
       "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
        quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
        traveling more than 60 MPH."

[110.13]:
       "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
        to interfere with oncoming traffic."
%
I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving
are worth considering, to wit:

[173.15b]:
	"When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
        that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."

[141.2a]:
       "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
        parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
        a 5' parking space."

[105.31]:
       "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
        Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
%
I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals.  I
don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
in the summer.
		-- Brendan Behan
%
	Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
%
If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
		-- Joseph C. Goulden
%
If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
it might well prolong his life.
		-- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
%
"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."
		-- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
%
If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
		-- Tom Wicker
%
If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
		-- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
%
	In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
kill all the lawyers."  That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts.  Lawyers
and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
out how the pie gets divided.  Neither profession provides any added value
to product."
	According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population.  The U.S. has 200
lawyers and 700 accountants.  This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack."  Could Dick Butcher have
been an efficiency expert?
		-- Motor Trend, May 1983
%
In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
%
In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
%
In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
to get her attention.
%
In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
in any motor vehicle.
%
In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.
%
In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
%
In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
the sidewalks when a concert is on.
%
In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket.
%
In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
either flying or waiting to board a plane.
%
	In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
%
In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
%
In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
%
In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view."
%
In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
is over six feet in length.
%
In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
moving automobile.
%
In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
loaf of bread.  However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy.  If you stole a dog
and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
the supervision of a licensed engineer.
%
In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
%
It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
indulgence for infanticide.  A question of interest, my dear Sir!  The jury
is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
of infanticide.
		-- Edmond About
%
It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
Urbana, Illinois.
%
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
Boulevard at one time.
%
It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
%
It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong.  Our
offense consists in doubting it.
		-- Justice Robert H. Jackson
%
It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing,
each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other
has gone.
%
	It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
balloon to cross the United States.  After forty hours in the air, George
turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course!  We
need to find out where we are."
	Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
cloud cover.  Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me!  Can you please tell me
where we are?"
	The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
fifty feet in the air!"
	George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
	Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
	"Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
useless!"

That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
%
It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality.
		-- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
%
It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
%
It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys.  Seems that there are not
only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached.  The only
difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
results to humans.

	[Also, there are some things even a rat won't do.  Ed.]
%
Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
someone else's cash.
		-- P.G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
%
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
%
Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
wear tail lights.
%
Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
any of its streets.
%
Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?

-- No?

GOOD!
%
Laws are like sausages.  It's better not to see them being made.
		-- Otto von Bismarck
%
Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
	"Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he can."
%
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
%
Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick
your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as
Mental Anguish.  You would sue:

* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
  section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
  into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
  in there".

* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
  cretin like yourself.

* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
  case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
  a large cash settlement anyway.
		-- Dave Barry
%
... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and legally ... 
impeccable!
%
Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in Halstead, Kansas.
%
Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
it in order to protect themselves.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
%
Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap pistols;
they may buy shotguns freely, however.
%
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  There might be a
law against it by that time.
%
NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
%
New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
%
Of ______course it's the murder weapon.  Who would frame someone with a fake?
%
	Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his
testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
no attention to the signal.
	The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
"I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
	"No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
%
Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his 
roars.  Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
the railroad yards."
		-- H.L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
		   counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
		   law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
%
... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm.  One thing
I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition.  If somebody
gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it on his legal
stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what a lesser person
would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
		-- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
%
			Pittsburgh driver's test
			
(10) Potholes are

	(a) extremely dangerous.
	(b) patriotic.
	(c) the fault of the previous administration.
	(d) all going to be fixed next summer.

The correct answer is (b). Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican,
imported cars, since the holes are larger than the cars.  If you drive a
big, patriotic, American car you have nothing to worry about.
%
			Pittsburgh driver's test

(2) A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should

	(a) stop immediately.
	(b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
	(c) blow the horn.
	(d) floor it.

The correct answer is (d). If you said (c), you were almost right, so
give yourself a half point.
%
			Pittsburgh driver's test

(3) When stopped at an intersection you should

	(a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
	(b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
	(c) blow the horn.
	(d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.

The correct answer is (d). You need to start as soon as the traffic light
for the intersecting street turns yellow. Answer (c) is worth a half point.
%
			Pittsburgh driver's test

(4) Exhaust gas is

	(a) beneficial.
	(b) not harmful.
	(c) toxic.
	(d) a punk band.

The correct answer is (b). The meddling Washington eco-freak communist
bureaucrats who say otherwise are liars.  (Message to those who answered (d).
Go back to California where you came from.  Your kind are not welcome here.)
%
			Pittsburgh driver's test

(5) Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.  How often should
you test it?

	(a) once a year.
	(b) once a month.
	(c) once a day.
	(d) once an hour.

The correct answer is (d). You should test your car's horn at least once
every hour, and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
%
			Pittsburgh Driver's Test

(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
    but a steady left tail light.  This means

	(a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
	    to call the problem to the driver's attention.
	(b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
	(c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
	(d) the driver is from out of town.

The correct answer is (d).  Tail lights are used in some foreign
countries to signal turns.
%
			Pittsburgh Driver's Test

(8) Pedestrians are

	(a) irrelevant.
	(b) communists.
	(c) a nuisance.
	(d) difficult to clean off the front grille.

The correct answer is (a).  Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
%
			Pittsburgh driver's test

(9) Roads are salted in order to

	(a) kill grass.
	(b) melt snow.
	(c) help the economy.
	(d) prevent potholes.

The correct answer is (c). Road salting employs thousands of persons
directly, and millions more indirectly, for example, salt miners and
rustproofers.  Most important, salting reduces the life spans of cars,
thus stimulating the car and steel industries.
%
She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
		-- Tommy Manville
%
Sho' they got to have it against the law.  Shoot, ever'body git high,
they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens.  Hee-hee.
		-- Terry Southern
%
Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
about sex at all... they become lawyers.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
I can find for "landskap").  These laws were written down sometime in the
13th century, but date back even down into Viking times.  The oldest one is
the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
Christian stuff.  In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc.  Here is
an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
"lekare".
	"If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it.  If an artist
	is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
	fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
	it out on the hillside.  Then they shall shave off all hair from the
	heifer's tail, and grease the tail.  Then the artist shall be given
	newly greased shoes.  Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
	and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip.  If he can hold her, he
	shall have the animal.  If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
	he received, shame and wounds."
%
Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
		-- Montesquieu
%
Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
%
The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
doctors nor lawyers.
		-- L. Docquier
%
	The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas
River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
%
The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
rise per foot of run.  A compromise, I imagine...
%
The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that
the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.
%
The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
%
	The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
caught again, he would be thrown in jail.  Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
%
The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
quality work.  But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
resurrection of competitiveness?  Will charging the atmosphere of the
workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
hiring of the abuser.  This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
nation's productivity problem.  If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
		-- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
		   Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
		   Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
		   10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
%
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
		-- Anatole France
%
The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance.  He of all men
should behave as though the law compelled him.  But it is the universal
weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
we own.
		-- H.G. Wells
%
The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
	In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
legislation.  The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
enforcement officer.  The advertisement offered different salary scales for
men and women.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
or to the people.
		-- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
%
The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
voters to win the next election.
%
The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
%
The Worst Jury
	A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
remotest clue what was happening.
	The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
	The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English.  A fluent French
speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
was hearing a murder trial.
	The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
	The judge ordered a retrial.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
tied during the month of April.
%
There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
		-- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
%
There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest.  For example, when he
filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
as 'unearned income.'
		-- Michael Lara
%
"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
during the trial."
		-- David Letterman
%
There's no justice in this world.
		-- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by
		   New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had
		   saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering
		   the assassination of Schultz instead)
%
This product is meant for educational purposes only.  Any resemblance to real
persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.  Void where prohibited.  Some
assembly may be required.  Batteries not included.  Contents may settle during
shipment.  Use only as directed.  May be too intense for some viewers.  If
condition persists, consult your physician.  No user-serviceable parts inside.
Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement.  Not responsible for direct,
indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
or failure to perform.  Slippery when wet.  For office use only.  Substantial
penalty for early withdrawal.  Do not write below this line.  Your cancelled
check is your receipt.  Avoid contact with skin.  Employees and their families
are not eligible.  Beware of dog.  Driver does not carry cash.  Limited time
offer, call now to insure prompt delivery.  Use only in well-ventilated area.
Keep away from fire or flame.  Some equipment shown is optional.  Price does
not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery.  Penalty for private use.  Call
toll free before digging.  Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
appear for identification purposes only.  All models over 18 years of age.  Do
not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.  Postage will be
paid by addressee.  Apply only to affected area.  One size fits all.  Many
suitcases look alike.  Edited for television.  No solicitors.  Reproduction
strictly prohibited.  Restaurant package, not for resale.  Objects in mirror
are closer than they appear.  Decision of judges is final.  This supersedes
all previous notices.  No other warranty expressed or implied.
%
Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the yard.
%
We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor.  Bankers are not ever
popular but at least they bank.  Policeman police and undertakers take
under.  But lawyers do not give us law.  We receive not the gladsome light
of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
		-- Nolo News, summer 1989
%
We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they 
remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
		-- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
%
Welcome to Utah.
If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
%
What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
%
When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.

Step number 3 is of particular importance.  If you leave the guy alive
out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
to support him for the rest of his rotten life.  In court he will plead
that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
poor.  In that lawsuit, you will lose.  If, on the other hand, you kill
him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
story; forget Mother Teresa.  Second, even if you lose, how much could
the bum's life be worth anyway?  A Lot less than 50 years worth of
paralysis.  Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein.  Finish the job.
	-- G. Gordon Liddy's "Forbes" column on personal security
%
Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
examine the laws of heat.
		-- Christopher Morley
%
Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
		-- Carl Sandburg
%
Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
more lawyers?

New Jersey had first choice.
%
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
they make a law it's a joke.
		-- Will Rogers
%
	      1/2
	 /\(3)
	 |     2			  1/3
	 |    z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e   )
	 |
	\/ 1

The integral of z squared, dz
From 1 to the square root of 3
	Times the cosine
	Of 3 PI over nine
Is the log of the cube root of e
%
	   (1/2)
	/ 3
	|       2         3 x 3.14            (1/2)
	|      z dz  cos (--------)   =  ln(e     )
	/ 1		     9

The integral, from one to root three,
Of z to the second dz,
	Times the cosine
	Of 3 pi over nine
Is the log of the third root of e.
%
	12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4)                  2
	----------------------  +  5(11)  =  9  +  0
		  7

A dozen, a gross and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
	Divided by seven,
	Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
%
A bad little girl in Madrid,
A most reprehensible kid,
	Told her Tante Louise
	That her cunt smelled like cheese,
And the worst of it was that it did!
%
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
	Saw a man come along
	And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
%
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
	But another, more sane,
	Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
%
A beautiful belle of Del Norte
Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
	Because during the day
	She says: "Boys, keep away!"
But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
%
A beautiful lady named Psyche
Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
	One thing about Ike
	The lady can't like
Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
%
A beetling young woman named Pridgets
Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
	Off the end of a wharf
	She once pushed a dwarf
Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
	When she swiveled about
	Even strong men cried out,
For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
%
A bisexual chap name of Lunt
Taught himself an unusual stunt.
He could peel back his spout
Turn the skin inside out
Like a glove, to be used as a cunt!
%
A bobby of Nottingham Junction
Whose organ had long ceased to function
	Deceived his good wife
	For the rest of her life
With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
%
A broken-down harlot named Tupps
Was heard to confess in her cups:
	"The height of my folly
	Was fucking a collie --
But I got a nice price for the pups."
%
A burlesque dancer, a pip
Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
	But she read science fiction
	And died of constriction
Attempting a Moebius strip.
		-- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
%
A busy young lady named Gloria
Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
	And then by six men,
	Sir Gerald again,
And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
%
A cabin boy on an old clipper
Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
	He plugged up his ass
	With fragments of glass
And thus circumcised his old skipper.
%
A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
	With his date all strapped in
	He committed a sin
Without even leaving the garage.
		-- "A Boy and His Dog"
%
A cautious young fellow named Tunney
Had a whang that was worth any money.
	When eased in half-way,
	The girl's sigh made him say,
"Why the sigh?"  "For the rest of it, honey."
%
A certain young man, it was noted,
Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
	He said, "You may scoff,
	But I shan't take it off;
Underneath I am horribly bloated."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A certain young person of Ghent,
Uncertain if lady or gent,
	Shows his organs at large
	For a small handling charge
To assist him in paying the rent.
%
A certain young sheik of Algiers
Said to his harem, "My dears,
	Though you may think it odd of me,
	I'm tired of just sodomy
Let's try straight fucking."  (loud cheers!)
%
A chap down in Oklahoma
Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
	But the sweetness of pitch
	Couldn't put off the hitch
Of impotence, size and aroma.
%
A charmer from old Amarillo,
Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
	Decided one day
	That to keep men away
She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
%
A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
Had a pussy as large as a muff.
	It had room for both hands
	And some intimate glands,
And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
%
A clergical student named Simms
Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
	A nice piece of ass
	Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
All the others get Anglican hymns.
%
A clerical student named Pryne
Through pain sought to reach the divine:
	He wore a hair shirt,
	Quite often ate dirt,
And bathed every Friday in brine.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A clever young man named Eugene
Invented a jack-off machine.
	On the twenty-third stroke
	The fuckin' thing broke
And beat both his balls to a cream.
%
A cocksucking steno named Beeman
Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
	"On my minuscule salary
	 I must watch every calorie,
So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
%
A computer called Illiac4
Had a rather tough bug in its core.
	It chewed up its cards
	And spewed yards and yards
Of illegible tape on the floor.
%
A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
	But this output can be
	No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.
		-- Gigo
%
A contortionist hailing from Lynch
Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
	A foot cost a quid --
	He could and he did
Stretch it to three in a pinch.
%
A corpulent maiden named Kroll
Had a notion exceedingly droll:
	At a masquerade ball,
	Dressed in nothing at all,
She backed in as a Parker House roll.
%
A couple was fishing near Clombe
When the maid began looking quite glum,
	And said, "Bother the fish!
	I'd rather coish!"
Which they did -- which was why they had come.
%
A cowhand way out in Seattle
Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
	He said, "No, I can't fuck
	A lamb or a duck,
But golly! it just fits the cattle."
%
A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
And had an affair with a Saracen.
	She was not oversexed,
	Or jealous or vexed,
She just wanted to make a comparison.
%
A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
And had an affair with a Saracen.
	She was not oversexed,
	Or jealous or vexed,
She just wanted to make a comparison.
%
A CS student named Lin
Had a prick the size of a pin
	It was no good for girls
	But just great for squirrels
Who squealed with delight with it in.
%
A cute little twerp from Samoa
Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
	It was good for keyholes
	And debutantes' peeholes
But not worth a damn on a whoa.
%
A daredevil skater named Lowe,
Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
	But is proudest of doing,
	Some incredible screwing,
Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
%
A deep-throated virgin named Netty
Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
	She said, "It tastes nice,
	Much better than rice,
Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
%
A delighted, incredulous bride
Remarked to her groom at her side :
	"I never could quite
	 Believe till tonight
Our anatomies would coincide."
%
A dentist, young doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone,
	And, in his depravity,
	Filled the wrong cavity.
God, how his practice has grown.
%
A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
	Let his third-story front,
	To a willing young cunt,
Who supplied him a new lease on life!
%
A desperate spinster from Clare
Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
	And prayed to her God
	For a romp on the sod--
'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
%
A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
	As quick as a glance
	He stripped off his pants,
But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
%
A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
	She blew her vagina
	To South Carolina,
And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.

A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
	They found her vagina,
	In South Carolina,
And part of her ass in Brazil.
%
A doctoral student from Buckingham
Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
	But a dropout from paree
	Taught him Gamahuchee
So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
%
A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
Whose overworked sex is all callous,
	Wore the foreskin away
	On uncircumcised Ray,
Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
%
A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
	Divided by seven,
	Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
%
A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
Wished to foster an aura of menace.
	To make people afraid
	He wore gloves of grey suede
And white footgear intended for tennis.
		-- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
%
A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
	Had achieved some reknown
	For her tone going down--
There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
%
A fair-haired young damsel named Grace
Thought it very, very foolish to place
	Her hand on your cock
	When it turned hard as rock,
For fear it would explode in your face.
%
A farmer I know named O'Doole
Had a long and incredible tool.
	He can use it to plow,
	Or to diddle a cow,
Or just as a cue-stick at pool.
%
A fellatrix's healthful condition
Proved the value of spunk as nutrition.
	Her remarkable diet
	(I suggest that you try it)
Was only her clients' emission.
%
A fellow whose surname was Hunt
Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
	This versatile spout
	Could be turned inside out,
Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
%
A fisherman off of Cape Cod
Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!"
	But the high-minded fish
	Resented his wish,
And nimbly swam off with his rod.
%
A foolish geologist from Kissen
Just didn't know what he was missin',
	By studying rock
	And neglecting his cock,
And using it merely for pissin'.
%
A Frenchman who lived in Alsace
Had sex with a virgin named Grace.
	When he popped her cherry,
	She made things hairy
By bleeding all over his face.
%
A gay young prince from Morocco
Made love in a manner rococco.
	He painted his penis
	To resemble a venus
And flavored his semen with cocoa.
%
A geneticist living in Delft
Scientifically played with himself,
	And when he was done
	He labled it: son,
And filed him away on a shelf.
%
A gentleman, otherwise meek,
Detested with passion the leek;
	When offered one out
	He dealt such a clout
To the maid, she was down for a week.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A german composer named Bruckner
Remarked to a lady while fuckener :
	"Less lento, my dear,
	 With your cute little rear;
I like a hot presto when muckener!"
%
A gift was delivered to Laura
From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah;
	Wrapped in tissue and crepe,
	It was peeled, like a grape,
And emitted a pale, greenish aura.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A gifted young fellow from Sparta
Was widely renowned as a farta'.
	He could fart anything
	From "Of Thee I Sing,"
To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."
%
A girl camper once had an affair
With a fellow all covered with hair.
	When she gave him his hat
	She realized that
She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
%
A girl of the Enterprise crew
Refused every offer to screw.
	But a Vulcan named Spock
	Crawled under her smock,
And now she is eating for two.
%
A girl of uncertain nativity
Had an ass of extreme sensitivity
	While she sat on the lap
	Of a German or Jap,
She could sense Fifth Column activity.
%
A graduate student named Zac
Was said to be great in the sack.
	An inch of his boner
	Put girls in a coma
And two gave them epileptic attacks.
%
A greedy young lady from Sidney
Liked it in up to her kidney,
	Till a man from Quebec
	Shoved it up to her neck--
He really diddled her, didn' he?
%
A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds
Once swallowed a package of seeds.
	In a month, his ass
	Was covered with grass
And his balls were grown over with weeds.
%
A guest in a household quite charmless
Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
	"If you're caught unawares
	At the head of the stairs,
Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A habit depraved and unsavory
Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery.
	Midst screeches and howls,
	He deflowered young owls,
Which he kept in an underground aviary.
%
A habit obscene and bizarre,
Has taken a-hold of papa.
	He brings home young camels
	And other odd mammals,
And gives them a go at mama.
%
A hacker who screwed a mag tape
Was caught and convicted of rape.
	To jail he did go,
	From which, to his woe
He couldn't get out with ESC.
%
A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
Made love to the drive of his disk.
	The thing circumsized him,
	Which rather suprised him.
He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
%
A handsome young rodent named Gratian
As a lifeguard became a sensation.
	All the lady mice waved
	And screamed to be saved
By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
%
A happy old hooker named Grace
Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race.
	It was hard for beginners
	To tell who were winners :
There were cunt hairs all over the place.
%
A hardware debugger named Court
Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port.
	But its buffer array
	Only handled 1K,
So the port's driver cut it off short.
%
A haughty young wench of Del Norte
Would fuck only men over forty.
	Said she, "It's too quick
	With a young fellow's prick;
I like it to last, and be warty."
%
A headstrong young woman in Ealing
Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling;
	When quizzed why she did,
	She replied, "To be rid
Of a strange, overpowering feeling."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A hearty young fellow named Yost
Once had an affair with a ghost.
	At the height of the spasm
	The poor ectoplasm
Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost."
%
A hidebound young virgin named Carrie
Would say, when the fellows got hairy :
	"Keep your prick in your pants
	Till the end of this dance--"
Which is why Carrie still has her cherry.
%
A highly aesthetic young Jew
Had eyes of a heavenly blue;
	The end of his dillie
	Was shaped like a lilly,
And his balls were too utterly two!
%
A highway patrol buff named Claire,
Once screwed half a troop on a dare,
	And her parts grew so hot,
	There was steam on her twat,
So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare!
%
A horny young fellow named Reg,
Was jerking off under a hedge.
	The gardener drew near
	With a huge pruning shear,
And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.
%
A huge-organed female in Dallas,
Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus,
	Was virgo intacto,
	Because, ipso facto,
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
%
A joker who haunts Monticello
Is really a terrible fellow.
	In the midst of caresses
	He fills ladies dresses
With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.
%
A lacklustre lady of Brougham
Weaveth all night at her loom.
	Anon she doth blench
	When her lord and his wench
Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.
%
A lad from far-off Transvaal
Was lustful, but tactful withal.
	He'd say, just for luck,
	"Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.
%
A lad of the brainier kind
Had erogenous zones in his mind.
	He got his sensations,
	By solving equations,
(Of course, in the end, he went blind.)
%
A lad, at his first copulation,
Cried, "What a sensation!  Inflation,
	Gyration, elation
	Throughout the duration,
I guess I'll give up masturbation."
%
A lady born under a curse
Used to drive forth each day in a hearse;
	From the back she would wail
	Through a thickness of veil:
"Things do not get better, but worse."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A lady both callous and brash
Met a man with a vast black moustache;
	She cried, "Shave it, O do!
	And I'll put it with glue
On my hat as a sort of panache."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A lady from Kalamazoo
Once found she had nothing to do,
	So she sat on the stairs
	And she counted her hairs:
4,302.
%
A lady from Old Little Rock
In fidelity took little stock,
	And deserted her man
	In the streets of Japan
For a boy with a prehensile cock.
%
A lady removing her scanties,
Heard them crackle electrical chanties.
	Said her beau, "Have no fear,
	For the reason is clear:
You simply have amps in your panties.
%
A lady stockholder quite hetera
Decided her fortune to bettera:
	On the floor, quite unclad,
	She successively had
Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera...
%
A lady was seized with intent
To revise her existence misspent.
	So she climbed up the dome
	Of St. Peter's in Rome,
Where she stayed through the following Lent.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A lady who signs herself "Vexed"
Writes to say she believes she's been hexed:
	"I don't mind my shins
	Being stuck full of pins,
But I fear I am coming unsexed."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A lady with features cherubic
Was famed for her area pubic.
	When they asked her its size
	She replied in surprise,
"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
%
A lady, while dining in Crewe,
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
	Said the waiter, "Don't shout
	Or wave it about
Or the others will ask for one, too."
%
A lass at the foot of her class
Asked a brainier chick how to pass.
	She replied, "With no fuss
	You can get a B-plus,
By letting the prof pat your ass."
%
A lecherous barkeep named Dale,
After fucking his favorite female,
	Mixed Drambuie and scotch
	With the cream in her crotch
For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail.
%
A licentious old justice of Salem
Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
	But instead of a fine
	He would stand them in line,
With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
%
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
	But the good ones I've seen
	So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
%
A linguist thought it a farce
That memory space was so sparse.
	One day they increased it.
	Said he as he seized it:
"At last! Enough core for the parse".
%
A lonely young lad of Eton
Used always to sleep with the heat on,
	Till he ran into a lass
	Who showed him her ass --
Now they sleep with only a sheet on.
%
A lovely young diver named Nancy,
Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy,
	The fish of Bonaire,
	Watched her Derriere,
And the sea fans all tickled her fancy.
%
A lovely young maid from St. Jude
Once rode through the streets in the nude.
	The police cried, "Whatam--
	Agnificent bottom"
And slapped it as hard as they cude.
%
A lusty young maid from Seattle
Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
	Till she found a bull
	Who filled her so full
It made both her ovaries rattle.
%
A lusty young woodsman of Maine
For years with no woman had lain,
	But he found sublimation
	At a high elevation
In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain!
%
A madam who ran a bordello
Put come in her pineapple jello,
	For the rich, sexy taste
	And not wanting to waste
That greasy kid stuff from a fellow.
%
A maestro directing in Rome
Had a quaint way of driving it home.
	Whoever he climbed
	Had to keep her tail timed
To the beat of his old metronome.
%
A maiden who lived in Virginny
Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
	The horsey set rushed her,
	But success finally crushed her
For her tone soon became harsh and tinny.
%
A maiden who travelled in France
Once got on a train, just by chance.
	The engineer fucked her,
	The conductor sucked her,
And the fireman came in his pants.
%
A maiden who wrote of big cities
Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
	Sold her stuff at the shop
	Of a musical wop
Who played with her soft little titties.
%
A major, with wonderful force,
Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
	All the flowers looked round,
	But no horse could be found;
So he just rhododendron, of course.
%
A man was once heard to boast,
That he received a parcel by post,
	It contained, so we heard,
	A magnificent turd,
And the balls of his grandfather's ghost.
%
A marine being sent to Hong Kong
Got a doctor to alter his dong.
	He sailed off with a tool
	Flat and thin as a rule -
When he got there he found he was wrong.
%
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
	And the cube of its weight
	Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call...
%
A mathematician named Klein
Thought the Mobius band was divine.
	Said he, "If you glue
	The edges of two,
You'll get a weird bottle like mine!
%
A middle-aged codger named Bruin
Found his love life completely in ruin,
	For he flirted with flirts
	Wearing pants and no skirts,
And he never got in for no screwin'.
%
A milkmaid there was, with a stutter,
Who was lonely and wanted a futter.
	She had nowhere to turn,
	So she diddled a churn,
And managed to come with the butter.
%
A mortician who practised in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
	"How could I know, Judge?
	She was cold, did not budge--
Just the same as she'd acted in life."
%
A nasty old drunk in Carmel
Thinks it funny to piss in the well.
	He says, "Some don't favor
	That unusual flavor,
But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!"
%
A nervous young fellow named Fred
Took a charming young widow to bed.
	When he'd diddled a while
	She remarked with a smile,
"You've got it all in but the head."
%
A new dramatist of the absurd
Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
	I learn from my spies
	He's about to devise
An unprintable three-letter word.
%
A new dramatist of the absurd
Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
	I learn from my spies
	He's about to devise
An unprintable three-letter word.
%
A newly-wed man of Peru
Found himself in a terrible stew:
	His wife was in bed
	Much deader than dead,
And so he had no one to screw.
%
A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
	In twenty-eight days
	They got laid eighty ways --
Imagine such fucking devotion!
%
A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst,
In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
	Reads the sign o'er the head
	Of her well-rumpled bed
"The customer always comes first."
%
A novice was told by the Abbot:
"Consider the goat and the rabbit.
	While they roll in the hay
	You just stay home and pray.
You've got to get out of that habit."
%
A nudist resort at Benares
Took a midget in all unawares.
	But he made members weep
	For he just couldn't keep
His nose out of private affairs.
%
A nurse motivated by spite
Tied her infantine charge to a kite;
	She launched it with ease
	On the afternoon breeze,
And watched till it flew out of sight.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
	They argued all night
	Over who had the right
To do what, with which, and to whom.
%
A passionate red-haired girl
When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
	And her twat would get wet,
	And would wiggle and fret,
And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.
%
A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
	To arrest his regard
	She would squat in his yard
And longingly pee in the sneaux.
%
A petulant man once said, "Pish,
Your cunt is as big as a dish."
	She replied, "Why, you fool,
	With your limp little tool,
It's like driving a pin with a fish."
%
A physical fellow named Fisk
Could screw at a rate very brisk.
	So fast was his action
	The Fitzgerald contraction
Would shrink up his rod to a disk.
%
A pious old woman named Tweak
Had taught her vagina to speak.
	It was frequently liable
	To quote from the Bible,
But when fucking -- not even a squeak!
%
A pious young lady named Finnegan
Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again;
	So time it aright,
	Make it last through the night,
For I certainly don't want to sin again!"
%
A pious young lady of Chichester
Made all of the saints in their niches stir
	And each morning at matin
	Her breast in pink satin
Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.
%
A playful young chemist named Byrd
Had an urge that could not be deferred.
	So to irritate Knox
	He shit in his sox,
And plastered the walls with his turd.
%
A plumber whose name was John Brink
Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
	Her resistance was stout,
	And John Brink petered out,
With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
%
A potter who lived in Bombay
Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
	But the heat of his prick
	Kilned the damn thing to brick
And chafed all his foreskin away.
%
A pretty wife living in Tours
Demanded her daily amour.
	But the husband said, "No!
	It's to much.  Let it go!
My backsides are dragging the floor."
%
A pretty young boy known as Kevin
Was raped in a pasture by seven
	Lascivious beasts
	(Oh, those Anglican priests)
And such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
%
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
	A curious mole
	Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
%
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
	She let herself go
	For an hour or so,
And now all her sisters are aunts.
%
A princess who lived near a bog
Met a prince in the form of a frog.
	Now she and her prince
	Are the parents of quints,
Four boys and one fine polliwog.
%
A princess who reigned in Baroda
Made her home on a purple pagoda.
	She festooned the walls
	Of her halls with the balls
And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.
%
A programmer down in Moline
Said, I'm the match for any machine.
	My secret's aversion,
	To loops and recursion,
Just acres of in-line routine.
		-- W.J. Wilson
%
A progressive professor named Winners
Held classes each evening for sinners.
	They were graded and spaced
	So the vile and debased
Would not be held back by beginners.
%
A rapist who reeked of cheap booze
Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes.
	She cried, "I suppose
	There's no time for my clothes,
But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!"
%
A rapturous young fellatrix
One day was at work on five pricks.
	With an unholy cry
	She whipped out her glass eye:
"Tell the boys I can now take on six."
%
A reckless young lady of France
Had no qualms about taking a chance,
	But she thought it was crude
	To get screwed in the nude,
So she always went home with damp pants.
%
A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
	They make love the whole day
	In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.
%
A responsive young girl from the East
In bed was an able artiste.
	She had learned two positions
	From family physicians,
And ten more from the old parish priest.
%
A romantic attraction has clung
To a chap of whom damsels have sung:
	"'Tis the Scourge from the East,
	That lascivious beast
Who was known as Attila the Hung!"
%
A sailor who slept in the sun,
Woke to find his fly buttons undone,
	He remarked with a smile,
	"Good grief, a sun-dial!
And now it's a quarter-past one."
%
A savvy young hooker named Gail
Got busted and lodged in the jail.
	But the jailer got hot,
	To be lodged in her twat,
And so Gail made the bail with her tail.
%
A scandal involving an oyster
Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister
	She preferred it, in bed,
	To the count (so she said)
'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.
%
A scream from the crypt of St. Giles
Resounded for miles upon miles.
	Said the friar, "Good gracious,
	The brother Ignatious
Forgeteth the abbot hath piles."
%
A seafaring hacker named Slatey
Went to bed with a VAX/780.
	The thing's learned to swear
	With a nautical air,
And refers to its users as "matey".
%
A sex-loving coed named Bree
Caught the clap from her Apple IIE.
	The joystick, she found,
	Had been fooling around
With a neighboring student's PC.
%
A silly young man from Hong Kong
Had hands that were skinny and long.
	He ate rice with his fingers--
	The taste of it lingers,
But now all his fingers are gone.
%
A slick talking pirate named Bruce
To steal code, had a plan to seduce
	An Apple II+.
	Now Bruce wears a truss
And was jailed for computer abuse.
%
A software technician from Digital
Had hardware extremely prodigical.
	It's rumoured, I hear,
	That when he was near
He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital.
%
A space shuttle pilot named Ventry,
Made love to a lovely girl sentry.
	She started to pout,
	Because it fell out,
But the mission was saved by re-entry.
%
A sperm faced, alack and forsooth,
His moment of sexual truth.
	He'd expected to fall
	On a womb's spongy wall
But was dashed to his death on a tooth.
%
A spinster in Kalamazoo
Once strolled after dark by the zoo.
	She was seized by the nape,
	And fucked by an ape,
And she murmured, "A wonderful screw."

And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy,
But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry
	A man with a prick
	Half as stiff and as thick
As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry."
%
A spunky young schoolboy named Fred
Used totoss off each night while in bed.
	Said his mother, "Dear lad,
	That's exceedingly bad--
Jump in here with your mamma instead."
%
A starship commander named Kirk
Emerged from his cabin berserk.
	He grabbed a girl yeoman
	Beneath the abdomen,
And gave her a physical jerk.
%
A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson,
Was having a captive, a person
	Who was not averse
	Though she had the curse,
And he'd breeches of bristling furs on.
%
A structured programmer named Drew
Was intensely turned on by "goto".
	When he saw it in code
	He'd shoot off his load.
It's a good thing his shop used so few.
%
A studious professor named Nestor
Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.
	But she drained out his balls
	And skipped up the walls,
Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.
%
A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
Went down on her beau in the garden.
	He said, "Good lord, Tess,
	Don't swallow that mess!"
And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
%
A systems programmer named Sprotic
Found his software intensely erotic.
	In jealous distress
	He wiped his OS.
It's possible that he's psychotic.
%
A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm,
Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.
	While the man detumesced
	She still spent on with zest,
Her rapture sheer anachronism.
%
A talented girl from Detroit
Could fuck you in ways quite adroit.
	She could squeeze her vagina
	To a pin-point or finer
Or open it out like a quoit.
%
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
	While this worthy had fits
	The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
%
A teenage protester named Lil
Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill
	First they bugged our martinis,
	Our bras and bikinis,
And now they are bugging the pill."
%
A thrice-married gal from L.A.
Said, "My hymen's intact to this day,
	'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it,
	The voyeur only gawked at it,
And my most recent man's a gourmet."
%
A tidy young lady of Streator
Dearly loved to nibble a peter.
	She always would say,
	"I prefer it this way.
I think it is very much neater."
%
A timid young woman named Jane
Found parties a terrible strain;
	With movements uncertain
	She'd hide in a curtain
And make sounds like a rabbit in pain.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A tired young trollop of Nome
Was worn out from her toes to her dome.
	Eight miners came screwing,
	But she said, "Nothing doing;
One of you has to go home!"
%
A trapper named Francois Lefebvre
Once captured and buggered a beabvre.
	The result of this fuck
	Was a three titted duck,
A canoe, and an Irish retriebvre.
%
A tutor who tooted a flute
Tried to tutor two tutors to toot
	Said the two to the tutor:
	"Is it harder to toot or
To tutor two tutors to toot"
%
A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
	She found a good way
	To combine work and play:
She sells C shells by the seashore.
%
A vengeful technician named Schmitz
Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz.
	He covered the platter
	With bats' fecal matter.
Now it's seek time is really the pits.
%
A very intelligent turtle
Found programming UNIX a hurdle
	The system, you see,
	Ran as slow as did he,
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
%
A very intelligent turtle
Found programming UNIX a hurdle
	The system, you see,
	Ran as slow as did he,
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
%
A very odd pair are the Pitts:
His balls are as large as her tits,
	Her tits are as large
	As an invasion barge--
Neither knows how the other cohabits.
%
A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
	Said, "Heavens above!
	I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
%
A water pipe suited miss Hunt;
She used it for many a bunt.
	But the unlucky wench
	Got it caught in her trench ---
It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench,
To get the thing out of her cunt. 
%
A weary old lecher named Blott
Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
	Too lazy to rape her,
	He made darts out of paper,
Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.
%
A whimsical fellow named Bloch
Could beat the base drum with his cock.
	With a special erection
	He could play a selection
From Johann Sebastian Bach.
%
A wicked stone cutter named Cary
Drilled holes in divine statuary.
	With eyes full of malice
	He pulled out his phallus,
And buggered a stone Virgin Mary.
%
A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket
Had a hole as big as a basket.
	A spot, as a bride,
	In it now, you could hide,
And include with your luggage your mascot.
%
A widow who fancied a man some
Was diddled three times in a hansome.
	When she clamored for more
	Her young man became sore
And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
%
A widow whose singular vice
Was to keep her late husband on ice
	Said, "It's been hard since I lost him --
	I'll never defrost him!
Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."
%
A wonderful bird is the pelican.
His mouth can hold more than his belican.
	He can take in his beak
	Enough food for a week.
I'm darned if I know how the helican.
%
A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies,
Renowned for the length of their peenies.
	The hair on their balls
	Sweeps the floors of their halls,
But they don't look at women, the meanies.
%
A wood-fetish busboy named Gable
Is rapid, is thorough, is able;
	But when everything's cleared,
	He gives way to the weird,
As he lovingly busses each table.
%
A worn-out young husband named Lehr
Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer:
	"Slip on a sheath, quick,
	Then slip your big dick
Between these lips covered with hair."
%
A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
	Said the doctor, a cynic,
	"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
%
A young bride and groom of Australia
Remarked as they joined genitalia :
	"Though the system seems odd,
	 We are thankful that God
Developed the genus Mammalia."
%
A young fellow discovered through Freud
That although of penis devoid,
	He could practice coitus
	By eating a foetus,
And his parents were quite overjoyed.
%
A young Juliet of St. Louis
On a balcony stood acting screwy.
	Her Romeo climbed,
	But he wasn't well timed,
And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
%
A young lad named Lester McGraw
Caught a stranger on top of his Maw.
	As he watched him stick her
	He said, with a snicker,
"You do it much faster than Paw."
%
A young lady sat by the sea,
Just as proper as proper could be.
	A young fellow goosed her,
	And roughly seduced her,
So she thanked him and went home to tea.
%
A young lady who lived by the Usk
Subsisted each day on a rusk;
	She ate the first bite
	Before it was light,
And the last crumb sometime after dusk.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A young maiden from France was no prude,
She decided to dive in the nude,
	But her buddy, behind,
	Went out of his mind,
When he noticed where she was tatooed.
%
A young man by a girl was desired
To give her the thrills she required,
	But he died of old age
	Ere his cock could assuage
The volcanic desire it inspired.
%
A young man from the banks of the Po
Found his cock had elongated so,
	That when he'd pee
	It was never he
But only his neighbors who'd know.
%
A young man grew increasingly peaky
In a house where the hinges were squeaky,
	The ferns curled up brown,
	The ceilings flaked down,
And all of the faucets were leaky.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A young man maintained that his trigger
Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
	But this long and thick pud
	Was so heavy it could
Scarcely lift up its head.  It lacked vigor.
%
A young man of acumen and daring,
Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring,
	Was left quite alone
	When it soon became known
That their use at his board was unsparing.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
While bent over plucking a dingle
	Had the whole of Eisteddfod
	Taking turns at his pod
While they sang some impossible jingle.
%
A young man with passions quite gingery
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
	He slapped her behind
	And made up his mind
To add incest to insult and injury.
%
A young polo-player of Berkeley
Made love to his sweetheart beserkly.
	In the midst of each chukker
	He would break off and fuck her
Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.
%
A young systems programmer of Sprotic
Found his software intensely erotic.
	In jealous distress
	He wiped his OS.
It's possible that he's a psychotic.
%
A young violinist from Rio
Was seducing a woman named Cleo.
	As she took down her panties
	She said, "No andantes;
I want this allegro con brio!"
%
A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
Preferred frigging to going to mass.
	Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
	Or any young cock,
For I cannot live up to your ass."
%
A young woman got married at Chester,
Her mother she kissed her and blessed her.
	Says she, "You're in luck,
	He's a stunning good fuck,
For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
%
Aboard the good ship Venus,		The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
The mast it was a penis,		A cunning little nipper,
	Her figurehead				They filled his ass,
	A whore in bed,				With broken glass,
Good grief you should have seen us!	And circumcized the skipper.

The first mate's name was Higgins,	The captain's daughter Mabel,
And Higgins was a biggins,		They screwed when they were able,
	Once round the deck,			They nailed her tits,
	Twice up the mast,			Those nasty shits,
And the rest was used for riggins'!	Right to the captain's table.

The engineer's name was Carter,		The second mate's name was Andy,
And Carter was a farter,		By God, he was a dandy,
	When the wind wouldn't blow,		They broke his cock,
	And the ship couldn't go,		With chunks of rock,
Carter the farter would start her!	For conking in the brandy!
%
According to experts, the oyster
In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
	May frequently be
	Either he or a she
Or both, if it should be its choice ter.
%
Alas for the Countess d'Isere,
Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.
	Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"
	When he parted her thighs;
"Magnifique!  Pourtant pas de la guerre."
%
All the female apes ran from King Kong
For his dong was unspeakably long.
	But a friendly giraffe
	Quaffed his yard and a half,
And ecstatically burst into song.
%
An aesthete from South Carolina
Had a cock that tickled like China,
	But while shooting his load
	It cracked like old Spode,
So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.
%
An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
	She will use her bare fist
	If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves.
%
An AI researcher named Bluth
Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
	Eroticon VI,
	Which he taught certain tricks
Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
%
An amazon giantess named Dunne
Let a midget screw her for fun.
	But the poor little runt
	Was engulfed in her cunt
And re-born as the twin of his son.
%
An ambitious lady named Harriet
Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
	By seventeen sailors
	A monk and three tailors,
Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
%
An anonymous woman we knew
Was dozing one day in her pew;
	When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
	She said, "Count me in
As soon as the service is through."
%
An architect fellow named Yoric
Could, when feeling euphoric,
	Display for selection
	Three kinds of erection--
Corinthian,ionic,and doric.
%
An ardent young man named Magruder
Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
	She thought it quite lewd
	To be wooed in the nude,
But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
%
An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
	Women are fine
	And sheep are divine
But llamas are numero uno."
%
An ARPAnaut name of Corvette
Had a fetish involving the net.
	As he fondled his IMP
	His cock went from limp
To as hard as concrete which has set.
%
An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
	She was finally the prize
	Of a man twice her size
And all she recalls is the ache.
%
An artist who lived in Australia
Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
	The drawing was fine,
	The colour -- divine,
The scent -- ah, that was a failia.
%
An eager young hacker named Gus
Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
	The hardware went bad,
	But not the young lad
He didn't expect all that fuss!
%
An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
	Used on Saturday nights
	To turn down the lights,
And chase them around with a bludgeon.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
An envious girl named McMeanus
Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
	It was small consolation
	That the rest of the nation
Of women were with her in weeness.
%
An exotic young lady named Suki
Once danced in a troupe of kabuki
	When asked for a fuck
	She said, "Solly, no luck--
See here: looky looky, no nuki "
%
An impish young fellow named James
Had a passion for idiot games.
	He lighted the hair
	Of his lady's affair
And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
%
An impotent Scot named MacDougall
Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
	He was gathering semen
	To gender a he-man,
By screwing his wife through a bugle.
%
An incautious young woman named Venn
Was seen with the wrong sort of men;
	She vanished one day,
	But the following May
Her legs were retrieved from a fen.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
An indefatigable woman named Bavel
Had often occasion to travel;
	On the way she would sit
	And furiously knit,
And on the way back she'd unravel.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
An ingenious young man in South Bend
Made a synthetic ass for a friend,
	But the friend shortly found
	Its construction unsound,
It was simply a bother -- no end.
%
An innocent maiden named Herridge
Was cruelly tricked ito marriage;
	When she later found out
	What her spouse was about,
She threw herself under a carriage.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
An inquisitive virgin named Dora
Asked the man who started to bore 'er :
	"Do you mean birds and bees
	Go through antics like these,
To suppy us our fauna and flora?"
%
An irate young lady named Booker
Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker!
	If you want it queer ways,
	Go to whores for your lays!"
So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.
%
An octagenerian Jew
To his wife remained steadfastly true.
	This was not from compunction,
	But due to dysfunction
Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.
%
An old couple just at Shrovetide
Were having a piece -- when he died.
	The wife for a week
	Sat tight on his peak,
And bounced up and down as she cried.
%
An old electronic designer
Had designs on a minor named Dinah.
	He couldn't carry them out
	For his prick was too stout,
And too small was the minor's vagina.
%
An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings
Were a terrible trial to his siblings,
	But he was not removed
	Till one day it was proved
That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
An old maid who had a pet ape
Lived in fear of perpetual rape.
	His red, hairy phallus
	So filled her with malice
That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape.
%
An old man at the Folies Bergere
Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
	It snipped off a twat-curl
	From each new chorus girl,
And he had a wig made of the hair.
%
An organist playing in York
Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
	And between obbligatos
	He'd munch at tomatoes,
To keep up his strength while at work.
%
An orgasmic young sex star named Sue
Was a hit as she writhed to a screw.
	Her climatic fame spread
	With an ad blitz that said:
Coming soon at a theater near you!
%
An uptight young lady named Breerley
Who valued her morals too dearly
	Had sex, so I hear,
	Only once every year,
And she strained her vagina severely.
%
And earnest young woman in Thrace
Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
	So he gave her a thwack,
	And did on her back,
What he couldn't have done face to face.
%
And then there's the story that's fraught
With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
	When a chap took a crap
	In the woods, and a trap
Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought!
%
As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops
Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
	Since he thinks it's effete
	To be beating his meat,
What he's into is licking his chops.
%
As he came in his chubby choirboy,
Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy!
	If no sodomy levens
	And possible heavens,
Existence will merely annoy."
%
As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks,
Its occupant cried, "Save my socks!
	I could not bear the loss,
	For with scarlet silk floss
My mama has embroidered their clocks."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
As tourists inspected the apse
An ominous series of raps
	Came from under the altar,
	Which caused some to falter
And others to shriek and collapse.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff,
"Do I sin if I do what I want, if
	I screw a young nun
	In the eastertide sun?"
His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff."
%
At a contest for farting in Butte
One lady's exertion was cute :
	It won the diploma
	For fetid aroma,
And three judges were felled by the brute.
%
At a dance, a girl from Connecticut
Showed an absolute absence of etiquette
	Letting all comers press
	Through the skirt of her dress
And wiping the mess with her petticoat.
%
At the end of all civilization
Is the planet Terminus's location.
	There's a girl there whose feat,
	Without stone or concrete,
Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation.
%
At the moment Japan declared war
A sailor was fucking a whore.
	He said, "After this poke
	`Long and hard' ain't no joke;
This means months 'til I get back ashore."
%
At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers
Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers;
	It beats all night long
	A dirge on a gong
As it staggers about in the creepers.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
Though of love we are never penurious.
	Thanks to vulcanized aids,
	Though we may die old maids,
At least we shall never die curious.
%
At whist drives and strawberry teas
Fan would giggle and show off her knees;
	But when she was alone
	She'd drink eau de cologne,
And weep from a sense of unease.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
Augustus, for splashing his soup,
Was put for the night on the stoop;
	In the morning he'd not
	Repented a jot,
And next day he was dead of the croup.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
Back in the days of old Adam
The grass served as mattress for madam,
	And they spent the whole day
	On the sex that today
They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
%
Conflicting research paradigms
Have legitimized various crimes.
	The worst we can see
	Is in psychology,
Measuring reaction times.
%
Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
	She went down on the gents,
	And pronged the girl's vents
With a clitoris reaching six inches.
%
De Hispanice puella verumque
Simplex oris verborumque
	Tulit potens vagina
	Hominum agmina
Iterum iterum iterumque.
%
Despising machines to a man,
The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
	And ride out by night
	In a sheeting of white
To lynch all the robots they can.
		-- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
%
Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
He was blown down the street by a rocket.
	The force of the blast
	Blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.
%
Don't dip your wick in a WAC,
Don't ride the breast of a WAVE,
	Just sit in the sand
	And do it by hand,
And buy bonds with the money you save.
%
Down by the old model T,
Where she first showed it to me.
	It was furry and black,
	And she called it a crack,
But it looked like a manhole to me.
%
DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell
Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
	And by planned obsolescence,
	So controlled detumescence,
A poor man could not get a smell.
%
Each Friday his engines abort,
But Scotty is never caught short.
	He fills his machines
	With space-navy beans,
And farts the ship back into port.
%
Each night Father fills me with dread
When he sits on the foot ofmy bed;
	I'd not mind that he speaks
	In gibbers and squeaks,
But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
	Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
	Ich hore Mann kommen."
"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
%
Ethnologists up with the Sioux
Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
	The answer next day,
	Said, "Girls on the way,
But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
%
Exuberant Sue from Anjou
Found that fucking affected her hue.
	She presented to sight
	Nipples pink, bottom white;
But her asshole was purple and blue.
%
Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the Mobius strip;
	The strip revolved,
	The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
%
Floating idly one day through the air,
A circus performer named Blair,
	Tied a sizeable rock,
	To the end of his cock,
And shattered a balcony chair.
%
Fond of equestrians, Mabel
Looked for true love in the stable.
	But she found the studs,
	For her were all duds,
Now she's out with the leg of a table.
%
For a house-to-house salesman named Moore,
Getting housewives' attention's no chore:
	He's endowed with a dong
	That is 12 inches long,
So he wedges his foot in the door.
%
For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
	But the one remedy
	For contagious V.D.
Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
%
"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
	You have made much fine verse on
	Each part of my person,
Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
%
From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
	Said the rector, "My gracious,
	Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
%
From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
There is really abominable news;
	They've discovered a head
	In the box for the bread,
But nobody seems to know whose.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
From the bathing machine came a din
As of jollification within;
	It was heard far and wide,
	And the incoming tide
Had a definite flavour of gin.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
"Fucked by the finger of Fate!"
Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.
	"Since dating Miss Baugh,
	My whole tongue has been raw--
It must have been something I ate."
%
Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it.
It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it.
	It makes you sick, it makes you well,
	It turns your spine to fucking jell,
It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it.
%
Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel
Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel.
	But her genital area
	Is so vast it'll scareya,
And you venture inside at your peril.
%
God's plan made a hopeful beginning
But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
	We trust that the story
	Will end in God's glory
But at present, the other side's winning.
%
Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
Who came to Rumania's rescue?
	It's a wonderful thing
	To be under a king--
Is democracy better, I esk you?
%
Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
	Some people say,
	Love finds a way,
But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.
%
Have you heard of the lady named Cox
Who had a capacious old box?
	When her lover was in place
	She said, "Please turn your face.
I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
%
Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
	How they lift the frock
	And tickle the cock
Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
%
Having made a remark rather coarse,
A young lady was seized with remorse;
	She fled from the room,
	And later, a groom
Saw her rolling about in the gorse.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
He dove down overweighted with lead.
Passed one hundred and flat lost his head.
	He flapped and he flailed,
	Spit his hose and he wailed,
Swallowed water and found himself dead.
%
He hated to mend, so young Ned
Called in a cute neighbor instead.
	Her husband said, "Vi,
	When you stitched up his torn fly,
Did you have to bite off the thread?"
%
He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy
Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy.
	Then his gargantuan pole in
	Her pink, tight, and swollen
Young cunt just about drove her crazy.
%
He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie
They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie.
	So he put Spanish fly
	In their pudding and pie
And had the first tiny-tot orgy.
%
"Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick,
"I won't suck his filthy old prick!
	It's not that I funk
	At a mouthful of spunk,
But the smell of his ass makes me sick!"
%
Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
Could rotate his pecker, and then
	He would shoot through his rear
	Which made him dear
Of the girls, and the envy of men.
%
Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
Had morals the city might soften.
	So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,
	Are you living in sin?"
Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
%
His shy bride admitted to Crandall
That for years she'd worked off with a candle,
	But a cock like his dick
	Gave her ten times the kick,
Though it stained her wee peehole to handle!
%
I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
	I replied, "Simple shagging
	Without any wagging
Is only for screwing canoeing."
%
"I do love a lay every day,
So whenever you're coming this way
	Just phone in advance
	And I'll jerk off my pants,
And we're set for a sexy soiree!"
%
I know of a fortunate Hindu
Who is sought in the towns that he's been to
	By the ladies he knows,
	Who are thrilled to the toes
By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do.
%
I met a young man in Chungking
Who had a very long thing --
	But you'll guess my surprise
	When I found that its size
Just measured a third-finger ring!
%
I never had Miss Defauw,
But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
	If she'd only said "No"
	When I wanted her so;
But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
%
I once had the wife of a Dean
Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
	She remarked with some gaiety,
	"Not bad for the laiety,
Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
%
I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
	Now I know the perfection
	Of an ideal connection
Even if somewhat uncouth.
%
I once was annoyed by a queer
Who made his intentions quite clear.
	Said I, "I'm no prude,
	So don't think me rude,
But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
%
I wish that my room had a floor;
I don't so much care for a door,
	But this walking around
	Without touching the ground
Is getting to be quite a bore!
		-- Gelett Burgess
%
I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
	I wonder can she tell
	That I've been raising hell;
Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?

My wife is just as nice as can be,
I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me.
	For an afternoon of joy,
	Is hell on the old boy,
I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
%
I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
	She said it was crude
	To be wooed in the nude--
I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
%
I would like to say, Mister Bunce,
I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts.
	And in all my lewd life
	I've met none like your wife,
So why leave her to me, you big dunce?
%
I'd rather have fingers than toes,
I'd rather have ears than a nose,
	And a happy erection
	Brought just to perfection
Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
%
If continence causes neurosis
And intercourse causes thrombosis
	I'd rather expire
	Fulfilling desire
Than live in a state of psychosis.
%
If you find for your verse there's no call,
And you can't afford paper at all,
	For the true poet born,
	However forlorn,
There is always the lavat'ry wall.
%
If you're speaking of actions immoral
The how about giving the laurel
	To doughty Queen Esther,
	No three men could best her --
One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
%
If your thesis is utterly vacuous,
Employ first-order predicate calculus.
	With sufficient formality,
	The sheerest banality,
Will be hailed by all as miraculous!
%
Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse
D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse;
	Il la mene chaque soir
	A son caveau noir
Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon,
Qui n'avait que peu de religion.
	Il dit:"quant a' moi,
	Je deteste tous les trois,
Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"
%
Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
	Dit-elle, "Arretez!
	J'entends quelqu'un venait."
Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
%
Il y avait une madame de Lahore
Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
	Mais la vagine tres forte,
	Toujours ouverte la porte,
Encore, et encore, et encore.
%
In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh
Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too.
	His wife said, "Oh, stuff
	That philosophy guff
Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!"
%
In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
	But this lubricant lapse
	Isn't noticed, perhaps
Because nobody does in Duluth.
%
In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
Was the first time I ever laid down,
	I was both proud and shy
	As he opened his fly
And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.

Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
As it went in I made not a sound,
	The more that he shoved it
	The more that I loved it,
As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
%
In my sweet little night gown of blue,
On the first night that I slept with you,
	I was both shy and scared
	As the bed was prepared,
And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.

As we both watched the break of day,
And in peaceful submission I lay,
	You said you adored it
	But dammit, you tore it,
My sweet little night gown of blue.
%
In the case of a lady named Frost,
Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
	It's the best part of valor
	To bugger the gal, or
You're apt to fall in and get lost.
%
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
	He chuckled with mirth,
	For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
%
In the little French town of Le'Beau,
Lived a maiden exceedingly droll.
	At a masquerade ball,
	Clad in nothing at all,
She backed in as a Parker house roll.
%
In the shade of the old apple tree
Where between her fat legs I could see
	A little brown spot
	With the hair in a knot,
And it certainly looked good to me.

I asked as I tickled her tit
If she thought that my big thing would fit.
	She said it would do
	So we had a good screw		In the shade of the old apple tree
In the shade of the old apple tree.	I got all that was coming to me.
						In the soft dewy grass
I could hear the dull buzz of the bee		I had a fine piece of ass
As he sunk his grub hooks into me.	From a maiden that was fine to see.
	Her ass it was fine
	But you should have seen mine
In the shade of the old apple tree.
%
It always delights me at Hank's
To walk up the old river banks.
	One time in the grass
	I stepped on an ass,
And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
%
It had snowed, and the man in the drift,
Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?"
	They sat in her Bentley,
	She fondled him gently,
And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
%
It takes little strain and no art
To bang out an echoing fart.
	The reaction is hearty
	When you fart at a party,
But the sensitive persons depart.
%
King Louis gave a lesson in class,
One time while enjoying a lass.
	When she used the word "Damn"
	He rebuked her: "Please ma'am,
Keep a more civil tongue in my ass."
%
"Last night,"  said a lassie named Ruth,
"In a long-distance telephone booth,
	I enjoyed the perfection
	Of an ideal connection --
I was screwed, if you must know the truth."
%
Les salons de la ville de Trieste
Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes;
	Parmi les grandes chaises
	On cause des malaises,
Des estropiements, et des pestes.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
	They usually have virgins,
	And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
%
Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
	They usually have virgins,
	And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
%
Love letters no longer they write us,
To their homes they so seldom invite us.
	It grieves me to say,
	They have learned with dismay,
We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.
%
Marlene wanted Joy to relent,
She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent.
	If you want to get laid,
	Then we'll have to tribade!"
(But Joy didn't know what she meant.)
%
McCoy's a seducer galore,
And of virgins he has quite a score.
	He tells them, "My dear,
	You're the Final Frontier,
Where man never has gone before."
%
Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes,
Afflicted with psychotic warps.
	His idea of fun
	Is to bugger a nun,
And then vomit all over the corpse.
%
Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks;
Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks.
	When he's under the weather
	They can't get together,
So others get into her box.
%
`My trip? It was vile.  Balaclava
I loathed.  Etna was crawling with lava.
	The ship was all white
	But it creaked in the night,
And the band, they did not know la java."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
Who said with a wink and a smile,
	"Sure, please stick it in,
	Be it thick be it thin,
But if rough I won't do as a file."
%
Oden the bardling averred
His muse was the bum of a bird,
	And his Lesbian wife
	Would finger his fife
While Fisherwood waited as third.
%
Of his face she thought not very much,
But then, at the very first touch,
	Her attitude shifted --
	He was terribly gifted
At frigging and fucking and such.
%
Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
He tried to make love to a puma.
	Seems the puma, in play,
	Tore his testes away --
An example of animal huma.
%
Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!
Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,
	The poor wench doth stammer,
	"I need a sledgehammer
To pound a man into my vent."
%
On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
	Not russian elite-
	She's eager to eat
Whatever or whoever lays her.
%
On a ship wrecked far out at sea,
The girl said, "I can't seem to pee."
	"Aha!" said the mate,
	"That settles the fate
Of the captain, the pilot, and me."
%
On day a Monterey daughter
Did scuba down under the water.
	She later turned up
	The mom of a pup,
And they say t'was a otter that gotter.
%
On the breast of a lady named Gail,
Was tattooed the price of her tail.
	And on her behind,
	For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information -- in Braille.
%
On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
His girl got a yen for fellatio.
	As she sucked on his dingus
	He tried cunnilingus
But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
%
Once a young gay from Khartoum,
Took a lesbian up to his room.
	They argued all night
	Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
%
Once was a hooker named Gail,
Busted and sent-off to jail,
	She liked the jailer,
	He wanted to nail her,
So Gail made bail with her tail.
%
One evening a guru had coitus
With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
	When asked what position
	He used for coition,
He answered serenely, "the lotus."
%
One night a girl had an affair
With a fellow all covered with hair.
	Then she picked up his hat
	And realized that
She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
%
Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr,
Has invented a new kind of car.
	With a tank full of shit
	There's no stopping it --
For short trips, two poots take you far.
%
Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer
Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?"
	She declined and declined
	Till approached from behind...
When her summer turned out quite a bummer!
%
Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware,
He announced as he folded with flair,
	"I had four of a kind,
	But those aces combined,
Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair."
%
Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis
Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus.
	At her first sight of one
	She started to run,
And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.
%
Pour guerir un acces de fievre
Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre;
	Il le prit a son trou,
	Et fit faire un ragout
Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
Prince Absalom lay with his sister
And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
	But the kid was so tight,
	And it was deep night --
Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
%
Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
For having it off with his Mater;
	Revenge Dad or not?
	That's the gist of the plot,
And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
		-- Stanley J. Sharpless
%
Prope mare erat tubulator
Qui virginem ingrediebatur.
	Dessine ingressus
	Audivi progressus:
Est mihi inquit tubulator.
%
Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs,
"The men like to spread my two legs,
	Then slip in between,
	If you know what I mean,
And leave me the white of their eggs."
%
Said a decadent wench of Bombay :
"This has been a most wonderful day.
	Three cherry tarts,
	At least twenty farts,
Two shits, and a bloody fine lay."
%
Said a girl who upon her divan
Was attacked by a virile young man:
	"Such excess of passion
	Is quite out of fashion"
And she fractured his wrist with her fan.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
Said a happy young man of Fort Drum :
"What care I for this shortage of gum?
	My favorite chew
	Is a condom or two,
With a goodly amount of fresh come."
%
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
	But a fullback from State
	Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus
%
Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
	"You must seize it, and squeeze it,
	And tease it, and please it,
For Rome wasn't built in a day."
%
Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
Of all the girls that I've had,
	None gave me the thrill
	Of real rapture until
I learned how to be a tribade."
%
Said a madam named Mamie La Farge
To a sailor just off of a barge,
	"We have one girl that's dead,
	With a hole in her head--
Of course there's a slight extra charge."
%
Said a modest young miss to de Sade,
I'm simply too shy and afraid
	To take part in your pranks.
	But to show you my thanks,
I'd just love to become your first aide.
%
Said a pornographistic young poet
"Although I perhaps do not show it,
	My interest in sin
	Is wearing quite thin,
And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
%
Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
     	"Try as hard as I can,
	 I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
%
Said crew girl Angelica Bauer :
"The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour."
	Uhura said, "No,
	At night that's not so--
He doesn't withdraw for an hour."
%
Said Einstein, "I have an equation
Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
	Let _V be virginity
	Approaching infinity;
Let _P be a constant persuasion;

"Let _V over _P be inverted
With the square root of _M_u inserted
	_N times into _V ...
	The result, Q.E.D.,
Is a relative!"  Einstein asserted.
%
Said Francesca, "My lack of volition
Is leading me straight to perdition;
	But I haven't the strength
	To go to the length
Of making an act of contrition."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
Said President Jobcock one day :
"War's better than love, I should say.
	Instead of a virgin,
	It's murder I'm urgin'--
You get lots more blood that-a-way."
%
Said sneering Mohammed el-Din :
"Only infidel dogs put it in.
	Back home in Arabia
	We nibble the labia
Till the juice dribbles off of our chin."
%
Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers,
In a cunt halfway up to his ears :
	"This nautch is delicious,
	 And without doubt nutritious.
She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!"
%
Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea,
"Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
	I replied with some wit,
	"Do you belch when you shit?"
I think that was one up for me.
%
Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
"This must be our final adieu,
	For the vicar is slicker,
	And thicker, and quicker,
And two inches longer than you."
%
Saint Peteer was once heard to boast
That he'd had all the heavenly host :
	The Father and Son,
	And then - just for fun -
The hole in the Holy Ghost.
%
Says an airlining wanton named Vi:
"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly.
	To a muffer's delight,
	I'll take head on a flight,
So the guy can have pie in the sky."
%
She begged and she pleaded for more.
I said, "We've already had four,
	And I'm sure that you've heard,
	Though it's somewhat absurd,
That eros spelt backwards is sore."
%
She made a thing of soft leather,
And topped off the end with a feather.
	When she poked it inside her
	She took off like a glider,
And gave up her lover forever.
%
She stood there and peeled off her clothes,
And begged for a bang : goodness knows
	I am surely impure
	And I sizzled to scrure,
But the push had gone out of my hose.
%
She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety,
When the chain on her motorcycle broke,
	Now she's lying in the grass,
	With the muffler up her ass,
And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes.
%
She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr."
Not because, when she came in, he kr.,
	But she knew, just before
	She opened the door,
This same Mr. had kr. sr.
%
She wasn't what one could call pretty
And other girls offered her pity,
	So nobody guessed
	That her Wasserman test
Involved half the men in the city.
%
Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray!
I'm agog with excitement today!
	And the reason of course,
	A reliable source,
Said the snow blower's heading this way!"
%
Sighed a neat little package named Annie :
"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny,
	Plus the yen, but the men
	Only call now and then--
Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?"
%
"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,
"Come on, take it out, and let's play."
	He pulled it on out,
	But she started to pout,
His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.
%
So here was this fellow of Strensall
Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
	Anemic, 'tis true,
	But an interesting screw,
Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
%
So it's ai yi yi yi,
Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky!
So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willie!

	There once was a man from Nantucket!
	Whose cock was so long he could suck it!
		He said with a grin,
		As he wiped off his chin,
	If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!

So it's ai yi yi yi,
Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles!
So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willie!

	There once was a young man from Boston!
	Who drove around town in an Austin!
		There was room for his ass,
		And a gallon of gas,
	So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em!
%
So it's ai yi yi yi,
Your sister swims out to meet troop ships!
So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willie!

	There once was a man from Racine!
	Who invented a screwing machine!
		Both concave and convex,
		It could please either sex,
	But, oh, what a bastard to clean!

So it's ai yi yi yi,
Your girlfriend douches with Drano!
So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willie!

	One night a girl had an affair!
	With a fellow all covered with hair!
		His enormous red whang,
		Gave her a wonderful bang --
	She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear!
%
Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy,
Drank up several bottles of sherry;
	In the Yard around three
	They were shrieking with glee:
"Come on out, we are burning a fairy!"
		-- Edward Gorey
%
Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
She obliges all who accost her.
	She welcomes the prick
	Of Tom, Harry or Dick,
Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
%
That Harvard don down at El Djim --
Oh, wasn't it nasty of him,
	With the whole harem randy,
	The sheik himself handy,
To muss up a young camel's quim.
%
That naughty old Sappho of Greece
Said: "What I prefer to a piece
	Is to have my pudenda
	Rubbed hard by the enda
The little pink nose of my niece."
%
The acrobats -- Tom and Louise --
Do an act in the nude on their knees.
	They crawl down the aisle
	While screwing dog-style,
As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
%
The babe, with a cry brief and dismal,
Fell into the water baptismal;
	Ere they'd gathered its plight,
	It had sunk out of sight,
For the depth of the font was abysmal.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
The bedsprings next door jounce and creak :
They have kept me awake for a week.
	Why do newlyweds
	Select squeaky beds
To develop their fucking technique?
%
The bishop of Alexandretta
Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her.
	So he thought he'd enshrine her
	As the Holy Vagina
In the Church of the Sacred French Letter.
%
The bustard's a remarkable fowl
With surely no reason to growl
	He escapes what would be
	Illegitimacy
By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
%
The cruelest of creatures' the crab
With claws that can pinch you or stab,
	And then when you dine
	On crab and white wine
It gets you as well with the tab.
%
The Dowager Duchess of Spout
Collapsed at the height of a rout;
	She found strength to say
	As they bore her away:
"I should never have taken the trout."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
The Enterprise crew when off work
Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk.
	Uhura the Zulu
	Is shcked up with Sulu,
And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.
%
The Enterprise girls, so one hears,
Have chased Spock for several years.
	His look of disdain
	Has spared them great pain,
For his prick is as sharp as his ears.
%
The fearless old bishop of Brest
Put his faith in the Lord to the test.
	He fucked whores in the apse
	With chancres and claps,
But first they were sprinkled and blessed.
%
The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley
Came to light with its face in its belly;
	Her second was born
	With a hump and a horn,
And her third was as shapeles as jelly.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
The genital area of Ann
Will accommodate any size man,
	From the wee that cause titters
	To the mighty twat-splitters
That cause screams peasants hear in Japan.
%
The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint

My back aches, my pussy is sore;
I simply can't fuck any more;
	I'm covered with sweat,
	And you haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
%
The Grecians were famed for fine art,
And buildings and stonework so smart.
	They distinguished with poise
	The men from the boys,
And used crowbars to keep them apart.
%
The King named Oedipus Rex
Who started this fuss about sex
	Put the world to great pains
	By the spots and the stains
Which he made on his mother's pubex.
%
The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard
To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
	And cried, "Oh, my dear,
	I am coming, I fear,
But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."
%
The kings of Peru were the Incas,
Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
	They worshipped the sun
	And had lots of fun,
But the peasants all thought they were stincas.
%
The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
	Where ten thousand virgins
	Succumbed to his urgin's
There now stands the great State of Utah.
%
The latest reports from Good Hope
State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
	And fuck high, wide, and free,
	From the top of one tree
To the top of the next -- what a scope!
%
The limerick is furtive and mean;
You must keep her in close quarantine,
	Or she sneaks to the slums
	And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
		-- Morris Bishop
%
The limerick, a verse form iniquitous,
Has nonetheless been ubiquitous.
	Once Congress in session,
	Declared its suppression,
But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter.
%
The long-peckered Bey of Algiers
Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears.
	A demon for semen,
	This buffersome he-man
Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears.
%
The moyel who treated young Alec
Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic.
	Presented the child
	His aim was so wild
He rendered the poor boy biphallic.
%
The new cinematic emporium
Is not just a super-sensorium,
	But a highly effectual
	Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium.
%
The nipples of Sarah Sarong
When excited are twelve inches long
	This embarassed her lover 
	Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong
%
The notorious Duchess of Peels
Saw a fisherman fishing for eels.
	Said she, "Would you mind? --
	Shove one up my behind.
I am anxious to know how it feels."
%
The office brown-noser named Bunky
Would claim he was nobody's flunky.
	But when the chips were all down,
	His proboscis was brown,
And there hung many strands which were gunky.
%
The old archeologist, Throstle,
Discovered a marvelous fossil.
	He knew from its bend
	And the knot on the end,
'Twas the penis of Paul the Apostle.
%
The once was a man from Bombay
Who modeled his cunts out of clay
	So hot was his prick
	That he turned them to brick
And rubbed all his foreskin away.
%
The partition of Vavasour Scowles
Was a sickener: they came on his bowels
	In a firkin; his brain
	Was found clogging a drain,
And his toes were inside of some towels.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
The prick of the engineer, Scott,
Fell off from Saturnian rot.
	He went to the basement
	And made a replacement
Of tungsten and plastic and snot.
%
The randy old Bey of Algiers
Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers,
	Tried a cunt for a change,
	And remarked : "It felt strange ...
Just think what I've missed all these years!"
%
The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called a girl a most elegant creature.
	So she laid on her back
	And, exposing her crack,
Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
%
The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called a hen a most elegant creature.
	The hen, pleased with that,
	Laid an egg in his hat --
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
%
The Shah of the Empire of Persia
Lay for days in a sexual merger.
	When the nautch asked the Shah,
	"Won't you ever withdraw?"
He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
%
The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray
At breakfast with horrid dismay,
	So he launched off the spoons
	The pits from his prunes
At their heads as they neared the buffet.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
	That when posed on her toes
	She elaborately shows
Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
%
The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring.
	He was lame but he came
	With his dame like a flame --
A discharge is a wondeful thing.
%
The star of that X-rated hit
Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.
	This serves as a palace
	For each turgid phallus--
Some say that the plot is pure shit.
%
The Sultan was peeved with his harem,
And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em.
	He caught a big mouse
	Which he loosed in the house.
(Such confusion is called harem-scarem).
%
"The testes are cooler outside,"
Said the doc to the curious bride,
	"For the semen must not
	Get too fucking hot,
And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
%
The wife of young Richard of Limerick
Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,
	Still grows in diameter
	Each time that you ram at her;
How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"
%
The woman who lives on the moon
Is still cherishing the balloon
	Of an earthling who'd come
	And given her some,
But had dribbled away all too soon.
%
The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter
Is not merely reading a meter.
	By orders of Kirk
	A part of his work
Is dosing the food with saltpeter.
%
The world is so full of a number of things,
I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings.
	I'll tell you a story--
	It won't take me long--
Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song.

There was an old fellow and what do you think?
He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink.
	He whacked it, he hacked it,
	He ate it with glee-
Was there ever a fellow so happy as he?

This charming old chap had a sister as well :
She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell.
	Her cunt was so dirty
	It stank like a beast,
And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast.

What a wonderful family!  What marvellous style!
I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile.
	Their odor and diet
	Won't soon be forgotton,
And one day you and I may be equally rotten.
%
There a young man from the Coast
Who had an affair with a ghost.
	At the height of orgasm
	Said the pallid phantasm,
"I think I can feel it -- almost!"
%
There are some things we mustn't expose,
So we hide them away in our clothes.
	Oh, it's shocking to stare
	At what's certainly there--
But why this is so, heaven knows.
%
There is a young faggot named Mose
Who insists that you fuck his long nose.
	And you'll double the joy
	Of this lecherous boy
If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.
%
There is a young lady named Aird,
Whose bottom is always kept bared.
	When asked why she pouts,
	She says "The Boy Scouts,
All beg me to please Be Prepared!"
%
There once was a bishop from Birmingham
Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
	As they knelt on the hassock
	He lifted his cassock
And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em.
%
There once was a boy named Carruthers
Who was busily fucking his mother
	"I know it's a sin,"
	He said, shoving it in,
"But it's better than blowing my brother."
%
There once was a chick named Longet,
Who went out to Aspen to play.
	Along came a Spyder,
	Who sat down beside her
And she blew the poor bastard away.
%
There once was a clergyman's daughter
Who detested the pony he bought her,
	Till she found that its dong
	Was as hard and as long
As the prayers her father had taught her.

She married a fellow named Tony
Who soon found her fucking the pony.
	Said he, "What's it got,
	My dear, that I've not?"
Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."
%
There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
	Because in their haste
	They used library paste,
Instead of petroleum jelly.
%
There once was a dentist named Stone
Who saw all his patients alone.
	In a fit of depravity
	He filled the wrong cavity,
And my, how his practice has grown!
%
There once was a Duchess of Beever
Who slept with her golden retriever.
	Said the potted old Duke :
	"Such tricks make me puke!
Were it not for her money, I'd leave her."
%
There once was a Duchess of Bruges
Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
	Said the king to this dame
	As he thunderously came:
"Mon Dieu!  Apres moi, le deluge!"
%
There once was a fairy named Avers
Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.
	Though buggers all claimed
	That their asses were maimed,
Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors.
%
There once was a fellow named Bob
Who in sexual ways was a snob.
	One day he was swimmin'
	With twelve naked women
And deserted them all for a gob.
%
There once was a fellow named Brewster
Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
	"It used to be grand
	But look at my hand
You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."
%
There once was a fellow named Howard,
Whose tool it was nuclear-powered,
	While grabbing some ass,
	He reached critical mass,
But think of the girl he deflowered!
%
There once was a fellow named Potts
Who was prone to having the trots
	But his humble abode
	Was without a commode
So his carpet was covered with spots.
%
There once was a fellow named Siegel
Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
	But the mettlesome bitch
	Turned and said with a twitch,
"It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
%
There once was a fellow named Sweeney
Who spilled gin all over his weenie.
	Not being uncouth,
	He added vermouth
And slipped his amour a martini.
%
There once was a fiesty young terrier
Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
	He'd yip and he'd yap,
	Then leap up and snap;
And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
%
There once was a floozie named Annie
Whose prices were cosy--but cannie:
	A buck for a fuck,
	Fifty cents for a suck,
And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
%
There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
	A virgin named Joan
	From a bible belt home,
Said "This won't be much of a sin."
%
There once was a gangster named Brown
-- the sneakiest bastard in town.
	He was caught by G-men
	Shooting his semen
Where the cops would slip and fall down.
%
There once was a gaucho named Bruno,
Who said, "About sex, well, I do know,
	Sheep are just fine,
	Chickens, divine,
But iguanas are Numero Uno."
%
There once was a gay young Parisian
Who screwed an appendix incision,
	And the girl of his choice
	Could hardly rejoice
At the horrible lack of precision.
%
There once was a girl from Cornell
Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
	When you touched them they shrunk,
	Except when she was drunk,
And then they got bigger than hell.
%
There once was a girl from Decatur,
Who got laid by a big alligator.
	Now nobody knew
	The result of that screw,
'Cause after he laid her, he ate her.
%
There once was a girl from Madras
Who had such a beautiful ass --
	It was not round and pink
	(As you bastards think)
But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
%
There once was a girl from Spokane,
Went to bed with a one-legged man.
	She said, "I know you--
	You've really got two!
Why didn't you say so when we began?"
%
There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
	But she started absorbin'
	A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.
%
There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
	But she started absorbin'
	A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.
%
There once was a girl named Louise
Who cunt hair hung down to her knees
	The crabs in her twat
	Tied the hairs in a knot
And constructed a flying trapeze
%
There once was a girl named Mcgoffin
Who was diddled amazingly often.
	She was rogered by scores
	Who'd been turned down by whores,
And was finally screwed in her coffin.
%
There once was a girl named Priscilla
Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
	The taste was so fine
	Man and beast stood in line
(Including a stud armadilla).
%
There once was a girl so lovely,
Who wanted to make love in the bubbly,
	She strapped on her tanks,
	And started her pranks,
But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.
%
There once was a golfer named Leer,
Who got put in the clink for a year,
	For an action obscene,
	On the very first green.
Where the sign said "Enter course here."
%
There once was a gouty old colonel
Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
	And he cried in his tiffin
	For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
And the size of the thing was infernal.
%
There once was a guardsman from Buckingham
Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em.
	But when I meet boys,
	God! how I enjoys
Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em."
%
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
	So he built him some chicks,
	Of silicon chips,
And hasn't been heard from since then.
%
There once was a handsome young seaman
Who with ladies was really a demon.
	In peace or in war,
	At sea or on shore,
He could certainly dish out the semen.
%
There once was a horny old bitch
With a motorized self-frigger which
	She would use with delight
	All day long and all night -
Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
%
There once was a horse named Lily
Whose dingus was really a dilly.
	It was vaginoid duply,
	And labial quadruply --
In fact, he was really a filly.
%
There once was a husky young Viking
Whose sexual prowess was striking.
	Every time he got hot
	He would scour the twat
Of some girl that might be to his liking.
%
There once was a jolly old bloke
Who picked up a girl for a poke.
	He took down her pants,
	Fucked her into a trance,
And then shit into her shoe for a joke.
%
There once was a kiddie named Carr
Caught a man on top of his mar.
	As he saw him stick 'er,
	He said with a snicker,
"You do it much faster than par."
%
There once was a lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
	One was even so brave
	As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
%
There once was a lady from Kansas
Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
	It was nine inches deep
	And the sides were quite steep --
It had whiskers like General Carranza's.
%
There once was a lady named Carter,
Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
	She stripped off his pants,
	At his prick quickly glanced,
And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
%
There once was a lady named Clair,
Who posessed a magnificent pair.
	Or that's what I thought,
	Till I saw one get caught,
On a thorn and begin losing air.
%
There once was a lady named Myrtle
Who had an affair with a turtle.
	She had crabs, so they say,
	In a year and a day
Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
%
There once was a lawyer named Rex
With minuscule organs of sex.
	Arraigned for exposure,
	He maintained with composure,
"De minimis non curat lex."

	[Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things.  Ed.]
%
There once was a lifeguard named Lee
Who rescued a girl from the sea
	She asked how to pay,
	And he said "Try this way,
Go down for the third time on me."
%
There once was a maid from Mobile
Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
	She only got thrills
	From pneumatic drills
And an off-centered emery wheel.
%
There once was a man from Bombay
He would do it all night and all day
	He soon became sore
	You shoulda' heard him roar
When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay!
%
There once was a man from Calcutta
Who used to beat off in the gutta
	The heat of the sun
	Affected his gun
And turned all his cream into butta!
%
There once was a man from Dunoon,
Who always ate soup with a fork.
	He said "When I eat
	Either fish, foul or flesh,
I otherwise finish too quick."
%
There once was a man from Exameter
Who had a prodigious diameter
	But it wasn't the size
	That brought forth the cries
'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter.
%
There once was a man from Madras,
Whose balls were made out of brass.
	When they clanged together,
	They played "Stormy Weather",
And lightning shot out of his ass.
%
There once was a man from Nantee
Who buggered an ape in a tree.
	The results were most horrid
	All ass and no forehead
Three balls and a purple goatee.
%
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
	His daughter, named Nan,
	Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

The pair of them went to Manhasset,
(Nan and the man with the asset.)
	Pa followed them there,
	But they left in a tear,
And as for the asset, Manhasset.

Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket,
(Nan and the man with the bucket.)
	Pa said to the man,
	"You're welcome to Nan."
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
%
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
	He said with a grin
	As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
%
There once was a man from Racine,
Who invented a screwing machine.
	Both concave and convex,
	It could please either sex,
But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
%
There once was a man from Sandem
Who was making his girl on a tandem.
	At the peak of the make
	She jammed on the brake
And scattered his semen at random.
%
There once was a man from Sydney
Who could put it up to her kidney.
	But the man from Quebec
	Put it up to her neck;
He had a big one, now didn't he?
%
There once was a man named Eugene
Who invented a screwing machine
	Concave and convex
	It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
%
There once was a man named McGruder,
Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
	But the girl thought it crude,
	To be wooed in the nude,
So McGru took an oar and subduder.
%
There once was a man named McSweeny
Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney
	So just to be couth
	He added vermouth
And slipped his best girl a martini.
%
There once was a man named Parridge
With peculiar views on marriage.
	He sucked off his brother,
	Fucked his own mother,
And gobbled his sister's miscarriage.
%
There once was a man with a hernia
Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
	When you work on my middle
	Be sure you don't fiddle
With things that do not concern ya."
%
There once was a member of Mensa
Who was a most excellent fencer.
	The sword that he used
	Was his -- (line is refused,
And has now been removed by the censor).
%
There once was a miner named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
	She was ugly as shit,
	And missing one tit,
But think of the money he saves.
%
There once was a monk of Camyre
Who was seized with a carnal desire
	And the primary cause
	Was the abbess's drawers
Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
%
There once was a newspaper vendor,
A person of dubious gender.
	He would charge one-and-two
	For permission to view
His remarkable double pudenda.
%
There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
	Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
	I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes, love, I know that, it's me."
%
There once was a pretty young Mrs.
Whose tearful but short story thrs.
	Her mind lost its grasp --
	Now she thinks she's an asp
And just sits in the corner and hrs.
%
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
	Till a prince from Peru
	Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
%
There once was a reverend at Kings
Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things.
	But his heart was on fire
	For a boy in the choir
Whose buns were like jelly on springs.
%
There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel
Who said, "They can all go to hell!
	What they do to my wife --
	Why it ruins my life;
And the worst is they all do it well."
%
There once was a sailor named Gasted,
A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
	He could jerk himself off
	In a basket, aloft,
Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
%
There once was a Scot named McAmeter
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
	It was not the size
	That cause such surprise;
'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
%
There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
	Yet the girls he would dazzle,
	And fuck to a frazzle,
And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!
%
There once was a spaceman named Spock
Who had a huge Vulcanized cock.
	A girl from Missouri
	Whose name was Uhura
Just fainted away from the shock.
%
There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
Discovered his sex life was hapless:
	The more he would screw
	The more he'd want to,
And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
%
There once was a Usenetter named Mark,
Whose gender was kept in the dark.
	He/she/it said with a nod,
	"My ancestors were odd!"
Did Noah need two for the ark?
%
There once was a whore from Regina
Who had a stupendous vagina.
	To save herself time,
	She had six at a time,
And another one working behind her.
%
There once was a woman from Arden
Who sucked off a man in a garden.
	He said, "My dear Flo,
	Where does all that stuff go?"
And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?"
%
There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
Engaged to look after the deacon's field,
	But he lurked in the ditches
	And diddled the bitches
Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.
%
There once was a young fellow named Blaine,
And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
	She was ugly and smelly,
	With an awful pot-belly,
But... well, they were caught in the rain.
%
There once was a young girl from Natchez
Who chanced to be born with two snatches
	She often said, "Shit!
	I'd give either tit
For a guy with equipment that matches."
%
There once was a young man from Boston
Who drove around town in an Austin,
	There was room for his ass,
	And a gallon of gas,
So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em.
%
There once was a young man from France
Who waited ten years for his chance;
Then he muffed it...
%
There once was a young man from Yuma
Who attempted sex with a puma
	He gave up real quick
	Minus nose, toes, and prick
In obvious pain and ill huma.
%
There once was a young man from Yuma,
Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
	Now his dry bleached bones lie,
	Under hot Asian skies,
'Cause the puma had no sense of huma.
%
There once was a young man named Clyde
Who fell in an outhouse, and died.
	He had a twin brother
	Who fell in another
And now they're interred side by side.
%
There once was a young man named Gene,
Who invented a screwing machine.
	Concave and convex,
	It served either sex,
And it played with itself inbetween.
%
There once was a young man named Lancelot
Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot
	For when he should pass
	A desirable lass
The front of his pants would advance a lot.
%
There once was an Arpanet freak,
Who better response-time did seek.
	He searched coast to coast,
	For a reliable host,
Whose logger took less than a week.
%
There once was an old man from Esser,
Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
	It at last grew so small,
	He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a College Professor.
%
There once was an old man from Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
	It at last grew so small,
	He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a College Professor.
%
There once were two brothers named Luntz
Who buggered each other at once.
	When asked to account
	For this intricate mount,
They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."
%
There once were two women from Birmingham.
And this is the story concerning 'em.
	They lifted the frock
	And fondled the cock
Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em.
%
There was a bluestocking in Florence
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
	Till a Spanish grandee,
	Got her off with his knee,
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
%
There was a family named Doe,
An ideal family to know.
	As father screwed mother,
	She said, "You're heavier than brother."
And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"
%
There was a fat lady of China
Who'd a really enormous vagina,
	And when she was dead
	They painted it red,
And used it for docking a liner.
%
There was a fat man from Rangoon
Whose prick was much like a ballon.
	He tried hard to ride her
	And when finally inside her
She thought she was pregnant too soon.
%
There was a gay countess of Bray,
And you may think it odd when I say,
	That in spite of high station,
	Rank and education,
She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.
%
There was a gay dog from Ontario
Who fancied himself a Lothario.
	At a wench's glance
	He'd snatch off his pants
And make for her Mons Venerio.
%
There was a gay parson of Norton
Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
	To make up for this loss,
	He had balls like a horse,
And never spent less than a quartern.
%
There was a gay parson of Tooting
Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
	Till he married a lass
	With a face like my arse,
And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.
%
There was a girl from Aberystwyth
Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with.
	The miller's son Jack
	Laid her flat on her back
And united the organs they pissed with.
%
There was a lewd fellow named Duff
Who loved to dive deep in the muff.
	With his head in a whirl
	He said, "Spread it, Pearl;
I cunt get enough of the stuff!"
%
There was a man from Mich.
Who used to wish and wich.
	That spring would come
	So he could bum
Around and go out fich.
%
There was a pianist named Liszt
Who played with one hand while he pissed,
	But as he grew older
	His technique grew bolder,
And in concert jacked off with his fist.
%
There was a poor parson from Goring,
Who made a small hole in his flooring,
	Fur-lined it all round,
	Then laid on the ground,
And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
%
There was a strong man of Drumrig
Who one day did seven times frig.
	He buggered three sailors,
	Four dogs and two tailors,
And ended by fucking a pig.
%
There was a teenager named Donna
Who never said, "No, I don't wanna."
	Two days out of three
	She would shoot LSD,
And on weekends she smoked marijuana.
%
There was a young belle of old Natchez
Whose garments were always in patchez.
	When comment arose
	On the state of her clothes
She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez."
%
There was a young blade from South Greece
Whose bush did so greatly increase
	That before he could shack
	He must hunt needle in stack.
'Twas as bad as being obese.
%
There was a young bride of Antigua
Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
	Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
	Why, you've only felt my twot,
My legs and my arse and my figua!"
%
There was a young bride, a Canuck,
Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
	You say that I, maybe,
	Can have my first baby--
Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"
%
There was a young chap in Arabia
Who courted a widow named Fabia.
	"Yes, my tongue is as long
	 As the average man's dong,"
He said, licking the lips of her labia.
%
There was a young cook with the art
Of making a delicious tart
	With a handful of shit,
	Some snot and some spit,
And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.
%
There was a young curate whose brain
Was deranged from the use of cocaine;
	He lured a small child
	To a copse dark and wild,
Where he beat it to death with his cane.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
There was a young damsel named Baker
Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
	He yelled, "My God!  what
	Do you call this -- a twat?
Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"
%
There was a young dolly named Molly
Who thought that to frig was a folly.
	Said she, "Your pee-pee
	Means nothing to me,
But I'll do it just to be jolly."
%
There was a young fellow called Clyde
Who fell in an outhouse and died.
	He had a twin brother
	Who fell in another
So now they're interred side by side.
%
There was a young fellow from Cal.,
In bed with a passionate gal.
	He leapt from the bed,
	To the toilet he sped;
Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"
%
There was a young fellow from Florida
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
	When they got into bed
	He cried, "God strike me dead!
This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"
%
There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose cock was so long that it bent
	To save himself trouble
	He put it in double
And instead of coming, he went.
%
There was a young fellow from Leeds
Who swallowed a package of seeds.
	Great tufts of grass
	Sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were all covered with weeds.
%
There was a young fellow from Parma
Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
	Said the damsel demure,
	"You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
%
There was a young fellow name Tucker
Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
	Said, "Don't bow out your lips
	Like an elephant's hips,
The boys like it best when they pucker."
%
There was a young fellow named Ades
Whose favorite fruit was young maids.
	But sheep, nigger boys, whores,
	And the knot holes in doors
Were by no means exempt from his raids.
%
There was a young fellow named Babbitt
Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
	But a girl from Johore
	Could do it twice more,
Which was just enough extra to crab it.
%
There was a young fellow named Bill,
Who took an atomic pill,
	His navel corroded,
	His asshole exploded,
And they found his nuts in Brazil.
%
There was a young fellow named Blaine,
And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
	She was ugly and smelly
	With an awful pot-belly,
But... well, they were caught in the rain.
%
There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
	For even with Venus
	His recalcitrant penis
Would never do better than t
			   h
			   i
			   s
			   .
%
There was a young fellow named Bowen
Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
	It grew so tremendous,
	So long and so pendulous,
'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'.
%
There was a young fellow named Brewer
Whose girl made her home in a sewer.
	Thus he, the poor soul,
	Could get into her hole,
And still not be able to screw her!
%
There was a young fellow named Case
Who entered a cunt-lapping race.
	He licked his way clean
	Through Number thirteen,
But then slipped and got pissed in the face.
%
There was a young fellow named Charteris
Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
	Said she, "I don't mind,
	And higher up you'll find
The place where my fucker and farter is."
%
There was a young fellow named Cribbs
Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
	They were inches apart,
	And to suck it took art,
While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
%
There was a young fellow named Dick
Who had a magnificent prick.
	It was shaped like a prism
	And shot so much gism
It made every cocksucker sick.
%
There was a young fellow named Feeney
Whose girl was a terrible meany.
	The hatch of her snatch
	Had a catch that would latch
-- She could only be screwed by Houdini.
%
There was a young fellow named Fletcher,
Was reputed an infamous lecher.
	When he'd take on a whore
	She'd need a rebore,
And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.
%
There was a young fellow named Fyfe
Whose marriage was ruined for life,
	For he had an aversion
	To every perversion,
And only liked fucking his wife.

Well, one year the poor woman struck,
And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
	And said, "Where have you gotten us
	With your goddamn monotonous
Fuck after fuck after fuck?

"I once knew a harlot named Lou --
And a versatile girl she was, too.
	After ten years of whoredom
	She perished of boredom
When she married a jackass like you!"
%
There was a young fellow named Gene
Who first picked his asshole quite clean.
	He next picked his toes,
	And lastly his nose,
And he never did wash in between.
%
There was a young fellow named Gluck
Who found himself shit out of luck.
	Though he petted and wooed,
	When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
%
There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
	If he found himself nude
	With a gal in the mood
The question's not woody but could he?
%
There was a young fellow named Grant
Who was made like the sensitive plant.
	When they asked "Do you fuck?"
	He replied, "No such luck.
I would if I could, but I can't."
%
There was a young fellow named Grimes
Who fucked his girl seventeen times
	In the course of a week --
	And this isn't to speak
Of assorted venereal crimes.
%
There was a young fellow named Harry,
Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
	He grabbed him a virgin,
	Who, without any urgin',
Immediately spread like a fairy.
%
There was a young fellow named Hatch
Who was fond of the music of Bach.
	He said: "It's not fussy
	Like Brahms and Debussy;
Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."
%
There was a young fellow named Kimble
Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
	But fragile and slender,
	And dainty and tender,
So he kept it encased in a thimble.
%
There was a young fellow named Meek
Who invented a lingual technique.
	It drove women frantic,
	And made them romantic,
And wore all the hair off his cheek.
%
There was a young fellow named Morgan
Who possessed an unusual organ:
	The end of his dong,
	Which was nine inches long,
Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.
%
There was a young fellow named Paul
Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
	But the size of my prick
	Is God's dirtiest trick,
For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"
%
There was a young fellow named Pell
Who didn't like cunt very well.
	He would finger or fuck one,
	But never would suck one--
He just couldn't get used to the smell.
%
There was a young fellow named Price
Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
	He had virgins and boys
	And mechanical toys,
And on Mondays... he meddled with mice!
%
There was a young fellow named Prynne
Whose prick was so short and so thin,
	His wife found she needed
	A Fuckoscope -- she did --
To see if he'd gotten it in.
%
There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner
	At a quarter to nine,
	They sat down to dine,
At twenty to ten it was in her.
The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner.

There was a young fellow named Tupper
Who took a young lady to supper.
	At a quarter to nine,
	They sat down to dine,
And at twenty to ten it was up her.
Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
%
There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
Whose girl was a terrible meanie,
	The hatch of her snatch,
	Had a catch that would latch,
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
%
There was a young fellow of Burma
Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
	But now that he's married he's
	Been using cantharides
And the root of their love is much firmer.
%
There was a young fellow of Greenwich
Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
	He had such a tool
	It was wound on a spool,
And he reeled it out inich by inich.

But this tale has an unhappy finich,
For due to the sand in the spinach
	His ballocks grew rough
	And wrecked his wife's muff,
And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.
%
There was a young fellow of Harrow
Whose john was the size of a marrow.
	He said to his tart,
	"How's this for a start?
My balls are outside in a barrow."
%
There was a young fellow of Kent
Whose prick was so long that it bent,
	So to save himself trouble
	He put it in double,
And instead of coming he went.
%
There was a young fellow of Mayence
Who fucked his own arse in defiance
	Not only of custom
	And morals, dad-bust him,
But of most of the known laws of science.
%
There was a young fellow of Perth
Whose balls were the finest on earth.
	They grew to such size
	That one won a prize,
And goodness knows what they were worth.
%
There was a young fellow of Strensall
Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
	On the night of his wedding
	It went through the bedding,
And shattered the chamber utensil.
%
There was a young fellow of Warwick
Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
	For he could by election
	Have triune erection:
Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
%
There was a young fellow whose dong
Was prodigiously massive and long.
	On each side of his whang
	Two testes did hang
That attracted a curious throng.
%
There was a young gaucho named Bruno
Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know.
	A woman is fine,
	And a sheep is divine,
But a llama is Numero Uno."
%
There was a young German named Ringer
Who was screwing an opera singer.
	Said he with a grin,
	"Well, I've sure got it in!"
Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
%
There was a young girl from Annista
Who dated a lecherous mister.
	He fondled her titty,
	Got one finger shitty,
Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er.
%
There was a young girl from Decatur
Who was raped by an alligator.
	But no one quite knew
	How she relished that screw,
For after he screwed her, he ate her.
%
There was a young girl from Dundee,
From her fanny there grew a plum tree.
	No one ate the nice fruit,
	To tell you the truth,
Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot.
%
There was a young girl from East Lynn
Whose mother ( to save her from sin )
	Had filled up her crack
	With hard-setting shellac,
But the boys picked it out with a pin.
%
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Who said, "You are utterly wrong
	To say my vagina
	Is the largest in China
Just because of your mean little dong."
%
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
	She said with a yell,
	As a shot rang her bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
%
There was a young girl from Medina
Who could completely control her vagina.
	She could twist it around
	Like the cunts that are found
In Japan, Manchukuo and China.
%
There was a young girl from New York
Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
	A woodpecker or two
	Made the grade it is true,
But it totally baffled the stork.

Till along came a man who presented
A tool that was strangely indented.
	With a dizzying twirl
	He punctured that girl,
And thus was the cork-screw invented.
%
There was a young girl from Peru,
Who noticed her lovers were few;
	So she walked out her door
	With a fig leaf, no more,
And now she's in bed - with the flu.
%
There was a young girl from Samoa
Who pledged that no man would know her.
	One young fellow tried,
	But she wriggled aside,
And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
%
There was a young girl from Seattle,
Whose hobby was sucking off cattle.
	But a bull from the South
	Shot a wad in her mouth
That made both her ovaries rattle.
%
There was a young girl from Siam
Who said to her boyfriend Priam,
	"To seduce me, of course,
	You'll have to use force,
And thank goodness you're stronger than I am.
%
There was a young girl from St. Cyr
Whose reflex reactions were queer.
	Her escort said, "Mable,
	Get up off the table;
That money's to pay for the beer."
%
There was a young girl from St. Paul
Who went to a newspaper ball.
	Her dress caught on fire
	And burnt her entire
Front page and sport section and all.
%
There was a young girl from the Bronix
Who had a vagina of onyx.
	She had so much `tsoris'
	With her clitoris,
She traded it in for a Packard.
%
There was a young girl from the coast
Who, just when she needed it most,
	Lost her Kotex and bled
	All over the bed,
And the head and the beard of her host.
%
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who eked out a living through sin.
	She didn't mind fucking,
	But much preferred sucking,
And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
%
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
	Though he diddled his best,
	And fucked her with zest,
She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
%
There was a young girl in Dakota
Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
	"In addition to gas
	We are rationing ass,
And you've greatly exceeded your quota."
%
There was a young girl name McKnight
Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night.
	She came to in bed,
	With a split maidenhead--
That's the last time she ever was tight.
%
There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
	But Pabst took a chance,
	Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
%
There was a young girl named Heather
Whose twitcher was made out of leather.
	She made a queer noise,
	Which attracted the boys,
By flapping the edges together.
%
There was a young girl named McCall
Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
	But the size of her anus
	Was something quite heinous --
It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
%
There was a young girl named O'Clare
Whose body was covered with hair.
	It was really quite fun
	To probe with one's gun,
For her quimmy might be anywhere.
%
There was a young girl named O'Malley
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
	She got roars of applause
	When she kicked off her drawers,
But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
%
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
	She said, "It's a sin,
	But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
%
There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
Who screwed every man that she kissed with.
	She tickled the balls
	Of the men in the halls,
And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with.
%
There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
	The miller's sun, Jack,
	Laid her flat on her back,
And united the organs they pissed with.
%
There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
	From the love-making frock
	(With the proper sized cock)
Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
%
There was a young girl of Asturias
With a penchant for practices curious.
	She loved to bat rocks
	With her gentlemen's cocks --
A practice both rude and injurious.
%
There was a young girl of Batonger
who diddled herself with a conger,
	When asked how it feels
	To be pleasured by eels
She said, "Just like a man, only longer.
%
There was a young girl of Ca'lina,
Had a very capricious vagina:
	To the shock of the fucker
	"Twould suddenly pucker,
And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
%
There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
	But it wasn't Jehovah
	That turned the girl over,
'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
	the bugger, the bastard, the sod!
%
There was a young girl of Cape Town
Who usually fucked with a clown.
	He taught her the trick
	Of sucking his prick,
And when it went up -- she went down.
%
There was a young girl of Coxsaxie
Whose skirt was more mini than maxi.
	She was fucked at the show
	In the twenty-third row,
And once more going home in the taxi.
%
There was a young girl of Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
	There was never a sound
	For miles around
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
%
There was a young girl of Des Moines
Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,
	Till a guy from Hoboken
	Went and dropped in a token,
And now she rides free on the ferry.
%
There was a young girl of Detroit
Who at fucking was very adroit:
	She could squeeze her vagina
	To a pin-point, or finer,
Or open it out like a quoit.

And she had a friend named Durand
Whose cock could contract or expand.
	He could diddle a midge
	Or the arch of a bridge --
Their performance together was grand!
%
There was a young girl of East Lynne
Whose mother, to save her from sin,
	Had filled up her crack,
	To the brim with shellac,
But the boys picked it out with a pin.
%
There was a young girl of Gibraltar
Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
	It really seems odd
	That a virtuous God
Should answer her prayers and assault her.
%
There was a young girl of LLewellyn
Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
	They were big it is true,
	But her cunt was big too,
Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.
%
There was a young girl of Mobile,
Who hymen was made of chilled steel,
	To give her a thrill,
	Took a rotary drill,
Or a number nine emery wheel.
%
There was a young girl of Moline
Whose fucking was sweet and obscene.
	She would work on a prick
	With every known trick,
And finish by winking it clean.
%
There was a young girl of Newcastle
Whose charms were declared universal.
	While one man in front
	Wired into her cunt,
Another was engaged at her arsehole.
%
There was a young girl of Pawtucket
Whose box was as big as a bucket.
	Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
	I'll have to wear boots,
For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."
%
There was a young girl of Penzance
Who boarded a bus in a trance.
	The passengers fucked her,
	Likewise the conductor,
While the driver shot off in his pants.
%
There was a young girl of Pitlochry
Who was had by a man in a rockery.
	She said, "Oh! You've come
	All over my bum;
This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."
%
There was a young girl of Rangoon
Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
	"Well, it has been great fun,"
	She remarked when he'd done,
"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
%
There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
Whose people all thought her a virgin,
	Till they found her in bed
	With her twat very red,
And the head of a kid just emergin'.
%
There was a young girl who begat
Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
	T'was fun in the breeding
	But hell in the feeding
When she found there's no tit for Tat.
%
There was a young girl, very sweet,
Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
	When she sat on their lap
	She unbuttoned their flap,
And always had plenty to eat.
%
There was a young harlot from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
	She said with a grin,
	"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too."
%
There was a young harlot named Schwartz	
Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
	And they tickled so nice
	She drew a high price
From the studs at the summer resorts.

Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
	For according to rumor
	His tool had a tumor
And a fine row of warts down the middle.
%
There was a young hayseed from Tiffan
Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
	The knob out in front
	Attracted foul cunt
Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.
%
There was a young idler named Blood,
Made a fortune performing at stud,
	With a fifteen-inch peter,
	A double-beat metre,
And a load like the Biblical Flood.
%
There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
	Perceiving his error,
	The Rabbi in terror
Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"
%
There was a young lad -- name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
	His father said, "Durcan
	Stop jerkin' your gherkin
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
%
There was a young lad from Nahant
Who was made like the Sensitve Plant.
	When asked, "Do you fuck?"
	He replied, "No such luck.
I would if I could but I can't."
%
There was a young lad from Siam,
Whose sexlife was caught in a jam.
	He loved them real small,
	'Cause they're funner to ball,
So he went out and bought him a lamb!
%
There was a young lad name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
	His father said, "Durcan!
	Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
%
There was a young lad name of Ward
Who strung himself up with a cord
	Said he, of his work
	(Ere the rope snapped with a jerk)
"I am leaving because I am bored."
		- E.A. Guest
%
There was a young lad named McFee
Who was stung in the balls by a bee
	He made oodles of money
	By oozing pure honey
Every time he attempted to pee.
%
There was a young lady at sea
Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee."
	"I see," said the mate,
	"That accounts for the state
Of the captain, the purser, and me."
%
There was a young lady called Ciss
Who went to the river to piss.
	A young man in a punt
	Put his hand on her cunt;
No wonder she thought it was bliss.
%
There was a young lady from Bangor
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor
	She woke in dismay
	When she heard the mate say:
"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!"
%
There was a young lady from Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
	She went out one day
	In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.
%
There was a young lady from Bristol
Who went to the Palace called Crystal.
	Said she, "It's all glass,
	And as round as my ass,"
And she farted as loud as a pistol.
%
There was a young lady from Brussels
Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
	She could easily plex them
	And so interflex them
As to whistle love songs through her bustles.
%
There was a young lady from Drew
Who ended her verse at line two.
%
There was a young lady from Dumfries
Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze!
	My navel's all bare,
	So stick it in there,
Before both my legs and my bum freeze."
%
There was a young lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
	One was even so brave
	As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
%
There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
	While her lover lamented
	The apple fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
%
There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
	While her lover lamented
	The apple fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
%
There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
	But you knew from the view,
	As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
%
There was a young lady from Munich
Who had an affair with a eunuch.
	At the height of their passion
	He dealt her a ration
From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
%
There was a young lady from Norway
Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
	She told her young man,
	"Get off the divan,
I think I've discovered one more way "
%
There was a young lady from Prentice
Who had an affair with a dentist.
	To make things easier
	He used anesthesia,
And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.
%
There was a young lady from Rheims
Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
	A friend poked around
	And a fly-button found
Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
%
There was a young lady from Rio
Who slept with the Fornier trio.
	As she dropped her panties
	She said, "No andanties
I want this allegro con brio."
%
There was a young lady from Siam
Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
	"You may kiss me of course,
	But you'll have to use force.
Though god knows you're stronger than I am."
%
There was a young lady from Spain
Who demurely undressed on a train.
	A helpful young porter
	Helped more than he orter,
And she promptly cried "Help me again"
%
There was a young lady from Spain
Who got sick as she rode on a train;
	Not once, but again,
	And again, and again,
And again, and again, and again.
%
There was a young lady from Spain
Whose face was exceedingly plain,
	But her cunt had a pucker
	That made the men fuck her,
Again, and again, and again.
%
There was a young lady from Troy
Had a moustache, just like a young boy
	Though it tickled to kiss
	'Twas a source of much bliss
When she used it to brush a man's toy.
%
There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
	But a cynic named Boris
	Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
%
There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who had a peculiar feeling.
	She laid on her back
	And tickled her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling.
%
There was a young lady from Wooster
Who complained that too many men gooster.
	So she traded her scanties
	For sandpaper panties,
Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
%
There was a young lady in Reno,
Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
	But she lay on her back,
	And opened her crack,
So now she owns the Casino!
%
There was a young lady named Alice
Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
	'Twas the common belief
	It was done for relief,
And not out of protestant malice.
%
There was a young lady named Astor
Who never let any get past her.
	She finally got plenty
	By stopping twenty,
Which certainly ought to last her.
%
There was a young lady named Banker,
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor,
	She woke in dismay,
	When she heard the mate say,
"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker."
%
There was a young lady named Blount
Who had a rectangular cunt.
	She learned for diversion
	Posterior perversion,
Since no one could fit here in front.
%
There was a young lady named Bower
Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower.
	But a poet from Perth
	Laid her flat on the earth,
And proceeded with penis to plough her.
%
There was a young lady named Brent
With a cunt of enormous extent,
	And so deep and so wide,
	The acoustics inside
Were so good you could hear when you spent.
%
There was a young lady named Bright
Who could travel much faster than light.
	She took off one day,
	In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
%
There was a young lady named Brook
Who never could learn how to cook.
	But on a divan
	She could please any man-
She knew every darn trick in the book!
%
There was a young lady named Cager
Who, as the result of a wager,
	Consented to fart
	The entire oboe part
Of Mozart's quartet in F major.
%
There was a young lady named Ciss
Who said, "I think skating's a bliss "
	But she'll never restate,
	For a wheel off her skate
.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM
%
There was a young lady named Clair
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
	At least so I thought
	Till I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin losing air.
%
There was a young lady named Dot
Whose cunt was so terribly hot
	That ten bishops of Rome
	And the Pope's private gnome
Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat.
%
There was a young lady named Duff
With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
	In his haste to get in her
	One eager beginner
Lost both of his balls in the rough.
%
There was a young lady named Etta
Who was constantly seen in a swetta.
	Three reasons she had:
	To keep warm wasn't bad,
But the other two reasons were betta.
%
There was a young lady named Fleager
Who was terribly, terribly eager
	To be all the rage
	On the tragedy stage,
Though her talents were pitifully meagre.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
There was a young lady named Flo
Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
	So they tried it all night,
	Till he got it just right...
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
%
There was a young lady named Flynn
Who thought fornication a sin,
	But when she was tight
	It seemed quite all right,
So everyone filled her with gin.
%
There was a young lady named Gilda
Who went on a date with a builder.
	He said that he would,
	And he could and he should,
And he did and it damn well near killed her.
%
There was a young lady named Gloria
Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,
	And then by six men,
	Sir Gerald again,
And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
%
There was a young lady named Gloria,
Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
	She replied to the chap,
	"I'll draw you a map,
Of where others have been to before ya."
%
There was a young lady named Grace
Who would not take a prick in her "place."
	Though she'd kiss it and suck it,
	She never would fuck it--
She just couldn't relax face-to-face.
%
There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
	The dress caught on fire
	And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.
%
There was a young lady named Hatch
Who would always come through in a scratch.
	If a guy wouldn't neck her,
	She'd grab up his pecker
And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
%
There was a young lady named Mabel
Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
	Then cry to her man,
	"Stuff in all you can --
Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."
%
There was a young lady named Mandel
Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
	By coming out bare
	On the main village square
And frigging herself with a candle.
%
There was a young lady named Maud,
A terrible society fraud:
	In company, I'm told,
	She was distant and cold,
But if you got her alone, Oh God!
%
There was a young lady named May
Who strolled in a park by the way,
	And she met a youg man
	Who fucked her and ran --
Now she goes to the park every day.
%
There was a young lady named Nance
Who learned about fucking in France,
	And when you'd insert it
	She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
And shoved it right back in your pants.
%
There was a young lady named Nelly
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
	They could tickle her twat
	Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly.
%
There was a young lady named Ransom
Who was rogered three times in a hansom
	When she cried out for more
	Said a voice from the floor,
"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson
%
There was a young lady named Riddle
Who had an untouchable middle.
	She had many friends
	Because of her ends,
Since it isn't the middle you diddle.
%
There was a young lady named Rose
Who fainted whenever she chose;
	She did so one day
	While playing croquet,
But was quickly revived with a hose.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
There was a young lady named Rose
With erogenous zones in her toes.
	She remained onanistic
	Till a foot-fetishistic
Young man became one of her beaux.
%
There was a young lady named Schneider
Who often kept trysts with a spider.
	She found a strange bliss,
	In the hiss of her piss,
As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
%
There was a young lady named Smith
Whose virtue was largely a myth.
	She said, "Try as I can
	I can't find a man
Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
%
There was a young lady named Twiss
Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
	For it tickled her bum
	And caused her to come
.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
%
There was a young lady named Wylde
Who kept herself quite undefiled
	By thinking of Jesus;
	Contagious diseases;
And the bother of having a child.
%
There was a young lady of Arden,
The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
	Said she with a frown,
	"I've been sadly let down
By the tool of a fool in a garden."
%
There was a young lady of Bicester
Who was nicer by far than her sister:
	The sister would giggle
	And wiggle and jiggle,
But this one would come if you kissed her.
%
There was a young lady of Brabant
Who slept with an impotent savant.
	She admitted, "We shouldn't,
	But it turned out he couldn't-
So you can't say we have when we haven't."
%
There was a young lady of Bude
Who walked down the street in the nude.
	A bobby said, "Whattum
	Magnificent bottom!"
And slapped it as hard as he could.
%
There was a young lady of Carmia
Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya.
	At every cold snap
	She would climb in your lab,
So her little base burner could warm ya.
%
There was a young lady of Dee
Who went down to the river to pee.
	A man in a punt
	Put his hand on her cunt,
And God! how I wish it were me.
%
There was a young lady of Dee
Whose hymen was split into three.
	And when she was diddled
	The middle string fiddled :
"Nearer My God To Thee."
%
There was a young lady of Dexter
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
	For whenever they'd start
	He'd unfailingly fart
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
%
There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her
	To cry, when you came,
	"Oh dear!  What a shame!
Well, now we shall have to start over."
%
There was a young lady of Ealing
And her lover before her was kneeling.
	Said she, "Dearest Jim,
	Take your hands off my quim;
I much prefer fucking to feeling."
%
There was a young lady of fashion
Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
	To her lover she said,
	As  they climbed into bed,
"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
%
There was a young lady of Fez
Who was known to the public as "Jez."
	Jezebel was her name,
	Sucking cocks was the game
She excelled at (so everyone says).
%
There was a young lady of Gaza
Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
	The crabs, in a lump,
	Made tracks to her rump --
This passing parade did amaze her.
%
There was a young lady of Gloucester
Whose friends they thought they had lost her
	Till they found on the grass
	The marks of her arse,
And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
%
There was a young lady of Gloucester,
Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
	She wasn't much hurt,
	But he dirtied her skirt,
So think of the anguish it cost her.
%
There was a young lady of Kent,
Who admitted she knew what it meant
	When men asked her to dine,
	And plied her with wine,
She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!
%
There was a young lady of Lee
Who scrambled up into a tree,
	When she got there
	Her arsehole was bare,
And so was her C U N T.
%
There was a young lady of Lincoln
Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,
	So she had a prick lent her
	Which turned it magenta,
This artful old lady of Lincoln.
%
There was a young lady of Natchez
Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
	And she often said, "Shit!
	Why, I'd give either tit
For a man with equipment that matches."

There was a young fellow named Locke
Who was born with a two-headed cock.
	When he'd fondle the thing
	It would rise up and sing
An antiphonal chorus by Bach.

But whether these two ever met
Has not been recorded as yet,
	Still, it would be diverting
	To see him inserting
His whang while it sang a duet.
%
There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
	She said to her beau
	"Just look at me, Joe!
I think I've discovered one more way!"
%
There was a young lady of Rhyll
In an omnibus was taken ill,
	So she called the conductor,
	Who got in and fucked her,
Which did more good than a pill.
%
There was a young lady of Spain
Who was fucked by a monk in a drain.
	They did it again
	And again and again,
And again and again and again.
%
There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
	On her knees every day
	To God she would pray
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
%
There was a young lady of Wheeling
Said to her beau, "I've a feeling
	My little brown jug
	Has need of a plug" --
And straightaway she started to peeling.
%
There was a young lady who said,
As her bridegroom got into the bed,
	"I'm tired of this stunt,
	That they do with one's cunt,
You can get up my bottom instead."
%
There was a young lady whose cunt
Could accomodate a small punt.
	Her mother said, "Annie,
	It matches your fanny,
Which never was that of a runt."
%
There was a young lady whose thighs,
When spread showed a slit of such size,
	And so deep and so wide,
	You could play cards inside,
Much to her bridegroom's surprise.
%
There was a young lass from Surat.
The cheeks of her ass were so fat
	That they had to be parted
	Whenever she farted,
And also whenever she shat.			
%
There was a young laundress named Wrangle
Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
	"They may tickle my chin,"
	She said with a grin,
"But at least they keep out of the mangle."
%
There was a young maiden from Osset
Whose quim was nine inches across it.
	Said a young man named Tong,
	With tool nine inches long,
"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."
%
There was a young man from Bear Ridge
Who had strange ideas about marriage.
	He fucked his wife's mother
	And sucked off her brother
And ate up her sister's miscarriage.
%
There was a young man from Bel-Aire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
	But the banister broke
	So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
%
There was a young man from Bengal
Who claimed he had only one ball,
	But two little bitches
	Pulled down this man's breeches
And proved he had nothing at all.
%
There was a young man from Biloxi
Whose bowels responded to Moxie.
	Drinking glass after glass,
	He would tune up his ass,
Till he played like the band at the Roxy.
%
There was a young man from Bombay
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
	But the heat of his prick
	Turned it into a brick
And rubbed all his foreskin away.
%
There was a young man from Boston
Who rode around in an Austin.
	There was room for his ass
	And a gallon of gas,
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
%
There was a young man from Brazil,
And a lady who'd not take the pill,
	They lay on the sofa,
	And a <$H12{ot]{ok]{ob{o[]{oR{oK{oDpo~po~pot~poe~{ o!po~po~poq~
n~po_~{o[po	 ~poz~pok~po\~{o
8]{o/pomF~po^~{opoh~poY~{opoc~poT~{op~po^~poO~{o[~poY~ poJ~{oF~poT~poE~{o1~
%
There was a young man from Calcutta
Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
	"If her Bartholin glands
	Don't respond to my hands,
I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."
%
There was a young man from Dallas
Who had an exceptional phallus.
	He couldn't find room
	In any girl's womb
Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.
%
There was a young man from Dundee
Who buggered an ape in a tree.
	The results were quite horrid:
	All ass and no forehead,
Three balls and a purple goatee.
%
There was a young man from East Lizes
Whose balls were of two different sizes
	One was so small
	It was no ball at all
The other was large and won prizes.
%
There was a young man from East Wubley
Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
	Each quadruplicate shaft
	Had two balls hanging aft,
And the general effect was quite lovely.

There was a young man from Hong Kong
Who had a trifurcated prong:
	A small one for sucking,
	A large one for fucking,
And a `boney' for beating a gong.
%
There was a young man from Glengozzle
Who found a remarkable fossil.
	He knew by the bend
	And the wart on the end,
'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
%
There was a young man from Jodhpur
Who found he could easily cure
	His dread diabetes
	By eating a foetus
Served up in a sauce of manure.
%
There was a young man from Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent.
	To save himself trouble
	He put it in double
And instead of coming, he went.
%
There was a young man from LeDoux,
Whose limericks stopped at line two.

There was a young man from Verdunne.

	[Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
	 is about some guy named Nero.  If anyone has a copy of it, please
	 mail it to "fortune".  Ed.]
%
There was a young man from Lynn
Whose cock was the size of a pin.
	Said his girl with a laugh
	As she felt his staff,
"This won't be much of a sin."
%
There was a young man from Maine
Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
	It was almost as long,
	So he strolled with his dong
Extended in sunshine and rain.
%
There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
	But he looked in the glass,
	And saw his own ass,
And broke his neck trying to fuck it.
%
There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
	He said with a grin,
	While wiping his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
%
There was a young man from New Haven
Who had an affair with a raven.
	He said with a grin
	As he wiped off his chin,
"Nevermore!"
%
There was a young man from Peru,
Who took a long trip by canoe.
	While staring at Venus,
	And rubbing his penis,
He wound up with a handful of goo.
%
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
	But he hadn't the knack,
	And he got too far back --
In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
%
There was a young man from Racine
Who invented a fucking machine.
	Concave or convex,
	It served either sex,
But oh what a bitch to keep clean.
%
There was a young man from Rangoon
Who used to lament 'neath the moon
	That he had the luck
	To be born of a fuck
That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
%
There was a young man from Salinas
Who had an extremely long penis:
	Believe it or not,
	When he lay on his cot
It reached from Marin to Martinez.
%
There was a young man from Seattle
Whose testicles tended to rattle.
	He said as he fuck-ed
	Some stones in a bucket,
"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll."
%
There was a young man from Siam
Who said, "I go in with a wham,
	But I soon lose my starch
	Like the mad month of March,
And the lion comes out like a lamb."
%
There was a young man from St. Paul's
Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's"
	Till he grew such a passion
	For feminine fashion
That he knitted a snood for his balls.
%
There was a young man from Stamboul
Who boasted so torrid a tool
	That each female crater
	Explored by this satyr
Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
%
There was a young man from Tibet--
And this is the strangest one yet--
	Whose tool was so long,
	So pointed and strong,
He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette".
%
There was a young man in Havana,
Banged his girl on a player-piana.
	At the height of their fever
	Her ass hit the lever
And: yes, he has no banana.
%
There was a young man in Norway,
Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh,
	But the air was so frigid
	It froze his cock rigid,
And all he could come was frappe.
%
There was a young man in the choir
Whose penis rose higher and higher,
	Till it reached such a height
	It was quite out of sight --
But of course you know I'm a liar.
%
There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
	His wife was a bitch,
	Yeah, she threw the switch,
And Crockett went off like a rocket.
%
There was a young man named Hughes
Who swore off all kinds of booze.
	He said, "When I'm muddled
	My senses get fuddled,
And I pass up too many screws."
%
There was a young man named Knute
Who had warts all over his root.
	He put acid on these
	And now when he pees,
He fingers the thing like a flute.
%
There was a young man named Laplace
Whose balls were made out of spun glass.
	When they banged together
	They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass.
%
There was a young man named McNamiter
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
	But it wasn't the size
	Gave the girls a surprise,
But his rythm -- iambic pentameter.
%
There was a young man named Rex
Who really was small for his sex.
	When tried for exposure
	The judge's disclosure
Was "de minimus non curat lex."
%
There was a young man named Zerubbabel
Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.
	When they asked if his pleasure
	Was only half measure,
He replied, "That is highly improbable."
%
There was a young man named Zerubbabub
Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club
	But the pride of his life
	Were the tits of his wife --
One real, and one India-rubber bub.
%
There was a young man of Arras
Who stretched himself out on the grass,
	And with no little trouble,
	He bent himself double,
And stuck his prick well up his ass.
%
There was a young man of Australia
Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
	He buggered a frog,
	Two mice and a dog,
And a bishop in fullest regalia.
%
There was a young man of Belgrade
Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade.
	I will suck, without charge,
	Any cock, if it's large.
If it's small, I expect to be paid."
%
There was a young man of Belgrade
Who slept with a girl in the trade.
	She said to him, "Jack,
	Try the hole in the back;
The front one is badly decayed."
%
There was a young man of Bengal
Who swore he had only one ball,
	But two little bitches
	Unbuttoned his britches,
And found he had no balls at all.
%
There was a young man of Bombay
Who buggered his dad once a day.
	He said, "I like, rather,
	Fucking my father --
He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."
%
There was a young man of Calcutta,
Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter.
	When he got to c-u,
	A pious Hindoo
Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.
%
There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born,
	And he wouldn't have been
	If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
%
There was a young man of Coblenz
Whose ballocks were simply immense:
	It took forty-four draymen,
	A priest and three laymen
To carry them thither and thence.
%
There was a young man of Darjeeling
Whose cock reached up to the ceiling.
	In the electric light socket,
	He'd put it and rock it--
Oh God!  What a wonderful feeling!
%
There was a young man of Devizes,
Whose balls were of different sizes.
	One was so small,
	It was nothing at all;
The other took numerous prizes.
%
There was a young man of Dumfries
Who said to his girl, "If you please,
	It would give me great bliss
	If, while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these!"
%
There was a young man of Greenwich
Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
	So long was his tool
	That it wound round a spool,
And he let it out inach by inach.
%
There was a young man of high station
Who was found by a pious relation
	Making love in a ditch
	To -- I won't say a bitch --
But a woman of no reputation.
%
There was a young man of Khartoum
Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
	He not only fucked her,
	But buggered and sucked her--
And left her to pay for the room.
%
There was a young man of Khartoum,
The strength of whose balls was his doom.
	So strong was his shootin',
	The third law of Newton
Propelled the poor chap to the Moon.
%
There was a young man of Kildare
Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
	The bannister broke,
	But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
%
There was a young man of Kutki
Who could blink himself off with one eye.
	For a while though, he pined,
	When his organ declined
To function, because of a stye.
%
There was a young man of Lahore
Whose prick was one inch and no more.
	It was all right for key-holes
	And little girl's pee-holes,
But not worth a damn with a whore.
%
There was a young man of Lake Placid
Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
	When he wanted to sport
	He would have to resort
To injections of sulphuric acid.
%
There was a young man of Madras
Whose balls were constructed of brass.
	When jangled together
	They played "Stormy Weather",
And lightning shot out of his ass.
%
There was a young man of Missouri
Who fucked with a terrible fury.
	Till hauled into court
	For his beastial sport,
And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
%
There was a young man of Natal
And Sue was the name of his gal.
	One day, north of Aden,
	He got his hard rod in,
And came clear up Suez Canal.
%
There was a young man of Natal
Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
	Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
	Said he, "You be buggered!
I like to fuck slow and I shall."
%
There was a young man of Ostend
Who let a girl play with his end.
	She took hold of Rover,
	And felt it all over,
And it did what she didn't intend.
%
There was a young man of Ostend
Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
	"It's no use, my duck,
	Interrupting our fuck,
For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
%
There was a young man of Saskatchewan,
Whose penis was truly gargantuan.
	It was good for large whores,
	And for small dinosaurs,
And was rough enough to scratch a match upon.
%
There was a young man of Seattle
Who bested a bull in a battle.
	With fire and gumption
	He assumed the bull's function,
And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
%
There was a young man of St. John's
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
	But the loyal hall porter
	Said, "Pray take my daughter!
Those birds are reserved for the dons."
%
There was a young man of Tibet
-- And this is the strangest one yet --
	His prick was so long,
	And so pointed and strong,
He could bugger six sheep en brochette.
%
There was a young man of Toulouse
Who had a deficient prepuce,
	But the foreskin he lacked
	He made up in his sac;
The result was, his balls were too loose.
%
There was a young man who appeared
To his friends with a full growth of beard;
	They at once said, "Although
	We can't say why it's so,
The effect is uncommonly weird."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
There was a young man who said "God,
I find it exceedingly odd,
	That the willow oak tree
	Continues to be,
When there's no one about in the Quad."

"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
For I'm always about in the Quad;
	And that's why the tree,
	Continues to be,"
Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
%
There was a young man with a fiddle
Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
	She replied, "Yes, I do,
	But prefer to with two --
It's twice as much fun in the middle."
%
There was a young man with a prick
Which into his wife he would stick
	Every morning and night
	If it stood up all right --
Not a very remarkable trick.

His wife had a nice little cunt:
It was hairy, and soft, and in front,
	And with this she would fuck him,
	Though sometimes she'd suck him --
A charming, if commonplace, stunt.
%
There was a young man with one foot
Who had a very long root.
	If he used this peg
	As an extra leg
Is a question exceedingly moot.
%
There was a young man, name of Fred,
Who spent every Thursday in bed;
	He lay with his feet
	Outside of the sheet,
And the pillows on top of his head.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
There was a young man, name of Saul,
Who was able to bounce either ball,
	He could stretch them and snap them,
	And juggle and clap them,
Which earned him the plaudits of all.
%
There was a young miss from Johore
Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;
	In a manner uncanny
	She'd wobble her fanny,
And drain your nuts dry to the core.
%
There was a young monk from Siberia
Whose life got drearia' and drearia'
	Till he did to a nun
	What shouldn't be done
And made her a mother superia'.
%
There was a young monk of Dundee
Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
	He said, "Pax vobiscum,
	Now why won't the piss come?
I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."
%
There was a young parson of Harwich,
Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage.
	She said, "No, you young goose,
	Just try self-abuse.
And the other we'll try after marriage."
%
There was a young peasant named Gorse
Who fell madly in love with his horse.
	Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
	That horse is a stallion --
This constitutes grounds for divorce."
%
There was a young person of Kent
Who was famous wherever he went.
	All the way through a fuck,
	He would quack like a duck,
And he crowed like a cock when he spent.
%
There was a young plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
	She said, "Stop your plumbing,
	There's somebody coming"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
%
There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
	When told this was so,
	He said, "Yes, I know,
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that
		Last line that I can."
%
There was a young royal marine,
Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
	When he reached the soprano
	Out came only guano
And his britches weren't fit to be seen.
%
There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
	She replied, "'Pon my soul,
	You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."
%
There was a young sapphic named Anna
Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana,
	Which she sucked, bit by bit,
	From her partner's warm slit,
In the most approved lesbian manner.
%
There was a young Scot in Madrid
Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
	When they said, "Are you faint?"
	He replied, "No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as good as I did."
%
There was a young soldier from Munich
Whose penis hung down past his tunic,
	And their chops girls would lick
	When they thought of his prick,
But alas! he was only a eunuch.
%
There was a young sportsman named Peel
Who went for a trip on his wheel;
	He pedalled for days
	Through crepuscular haze,
And returned feeling somewhat unreal.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
There was a young squaw of Wohunt
Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
	It had many odd uses,
	Produced no papooses,
And fitted both giant and runt.
%
There was a young student from Yale
Who was getting his first piece of tail.
	He shoved in his pole,
	But in the wrong hole,
And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!"
%
There was a young tenor named Springer,
Got his testicles caught in a wringer.
	He hollered in pain,
	As they rolled down the drain,
"There goes my career as a singer!"
%
There was a young trollop at Yale,
Who had verses tattooed on her tail,
	And on her behind,
	For the sake of the blind,
A duplicate version in Braille.
%
There was a young whore from Kaloo
Who filled her vagina with glue.
	She said with a grin,
	"If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"
%
There was a young woman called Pearl
Who quite resembled a churl;
	When she asked a young man named Tex
	Whether he would like to have sex,
"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?"
%
There was a young woman from Bude,
Who went for a swim in the nude,
	But a man in a punt,
	Grabbed at her elbow,
And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property."
%
There was a young woman in Dee
Who stayed with each man she did see.
	When it came to a test
	She wished to be best,
And practice makes perfect, you see.
%
There was a young woman named Alice
Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
	She said, "I do this
	From a great need to piss,
And not from sectarian malice."
%
There was a young woman named Ells
Who was subject to curious spells
	When got up very oddly,
	She'd cry out things ungodly
by the palms in expensive hotels.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
There was a young woman named Florence
Who for fucking professed an abhorrence,
	But they found her in bed
	With her cunt flaming red,
And her poodle-dog spending in torrents.
%
There was a young woman named Plunnery
Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery.
	Till one day unobservant,
	She blew up a servant,
And was forced to retire to a nunnery.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
There was a young woman named Sutton
Who said, as she carved up the mutton,
	"My father preferred
	The last sheep in the herd --
This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."
%
There was a young woman of Cheadle,
Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
	Said she, "Does it itch?"
	"It does, you damned bitch,
And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."
%
There was a young woman of Condover
Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er.
	Her pussy was juicy,
	Her arse soft and goosey,
But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er.
%
There was a young woman of Croft
Who played with herself in a loft,
	Having reasoned that candles
	Could never cause scandals,
Besides which they did not go soft.

Said another young woman of Croft,
Amusing herself in the loft,
	"A salami or wurst
	Is what I'd choose first --
With bologna you know you've been boffed."
%
There was a young woman whose stammer
Was atrocious, and so was her grammar;
	But they were not improved
	When her husband was moved
To knock out her teeth with a hammer.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
There was a young woman, quite handsome,
Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
	When she offered much gold
	For release, she was told
That the view was worth more than the ransom.
%
There was an old abbess quite shocked
To find nuns where the candles were locked.
	Said the abbess, "You nuns
	Should behave more like guns,
And never go off till you're cocked."
%
There was an old bishop from Buckingham
Who fell in love with some oysters while shuckingham.
	His wife with distain
	Could scarcely restrain
That sprightly old bishop from fuckingham.
%
There was an old count of Swoboda
Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
	So, with great savoir-faire,
	She stood on a chair
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
%
There was an old curate of Hestion
Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion.
	But so small was his tool
	He could scarce screw a spool,
And a cunt was quite out of the question.
%
There was an old fellow named Art
Who awoke with a horrible start,
	For down by his rump
	Was a generous lump
Of what should have been just a fart.
%
There was an old fellow named Skinner
Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.
	But still, by and large,
	It would always discharge
Once he could just get it in her.
%
There was an old feminine blighter
Who trained a Chow dog to delight her.
	She would cream her own pool
	While she sucked off his tool --
How his cock in her cunt would excite her!
%
There was an old gent from Kentuck
Who boasted a filigreed schmuck,
	But he put it away
	For fear that one day
He might put it in and get stuck.
%
There was an old girl of Kilkenny
Whose usual charge was a penny.
	For half of that sum
	You could finger her bum--
A source of amusement to many.
%
There was an old harlot from Dijon
Who in her old age got religion.
	"When I'm dead & gone,"
	 Said she, "I'll take on
The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon."
%
There was an old hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
	He said "I'll admit
	I'm a bit of a shit,
But look at the money I save."
%
There was an old lady of Bingly
Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly.
	I thought I had got
	A bloke for my twat,
But he seems rather queenly than kingly."
%
There was an old lady of Glascow,
Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
	At nine-thirty, about,
	The lights all went out,
Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.
%
There was an old lady of Kewry
Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae':
	The `introitus vaginae',
	Was unnaturally tiny,
And the thought of it filled her with fury.
%
There was an old lady who lay
With her legs wide apart in the hay,
	Then, calling the ploughman,
	She said, "Do it now, man!
Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."
%
There was an old maid from Cape Cod
Who thought all good things came from god.
	But it wasn't the almighty
	Who lifted her nighty,
It was Roger, the lodger, by god.
%
There was an old man from Bengal
Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
	His favorite trick
	Was to stand on his dick
While he rolled around on one ball.
%
There was an old man from Duluth
Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
	He fucked with his nose
	Or his fingers and toes
And he came thru a hole in his tooth.
%
There was an old man from Fort Drum
Whose son was incredibly dumb.
	When he urged him ahead,
	He went down instead,
For he thought to succeed meant succumb.
%
There was an old man of Alsace
Who played the trombone with his ass.
	He put in a trap
	To take out the crap,
But the vapors corroded the brass.
%
There was an old man of Brienz
The length of whose cock was immense:
	With one swerve he could plug
	A boy's bottom in Zug,
And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.
%
There was an old man of Cajon
Who never could get a good bone.
	With the aid of a gland
	It grew simply grand;
Now his wife cannot leave it alone.
%
There was an old man of Calcutta
Who spied through a chink in the shutter.
	But all he could see
	Was his wife's bare knee,
And the back of the bloke who was up her.
%
There was an old man of Connaught
Whose prick was remarkably short.
	When he got into bed,
	The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick, it's a wart."
%
There was an old man of Duddee
Who came home as drunk as could be.
	He wound up the clock
	With the end of his cock,
And buggered his wife with the key.
%
There was an old man of Duluth
Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
	He fucked with his nose
	And with fingers and toes,
And he came through a hole in his tooth.
%
There was an old man of Hong Kong
Who never did anything wrong.
	He would lie on his back
	With his head in a sack
And secretly finger his dong.
%
There was an old man of St. Bees,
Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
	When asked, "Does it hurt?"
	He relied, "No, it doesn't.
I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."
		-- W.S. Gilbert
%
There was an old man of Tagore
Whose tool was a yard long or more,
	So he wore the damn thing
	In a surgical sling
To keep it from wiping the floor.
%
There was an Old Man of the Mountain
Who frigged himself into a fountain
	Fifteen times had he spent,
	Still he wasn't content,
He simply got tired of the counting.
%
There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
	When he got into bed,
	The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
%
There was an old man who said, "Tush!
My balls always hang in the brush,
	And I fumble about,
	Half in and half out,
With a pecker as limber as mush."
%
There was an old man with a beard
Who said, "It is just what I feared!
	Two owls and a hen,
	Four larks and a wren
Have all built their nests in my beard!" 
%
There was an old person of Ware
Who had an affair with a bear.
	He explained, "I don't mind,
	For it's gentle and kind,
But I wish it had slightly less hair."
%
There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
	He fell on his cutlass
	Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
%
There was an old satyr named Mack
Whose prick had a left handed tack.
	If the ladies he loves
	Don't spin when he shoves,
Their cervixes frequently crack.
%
There was an old Scot named McTavish
Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
	The object of rape
	Was the wrong sex of ape,
And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.
%
There was an old whore from Silesia
Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya,
	For a slight extra sum
	You can go up my bum
But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya."
%
There was an old whore in the Azores
Whose body was covered with festers & sores.
	Why the dogs in the street
	Wouldn't eat the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers.
%
There was an old woman of Ghent
Who swore that her cunt had no scent.
	She got fucked so often
	At last she got rotten,
And didn't she stink when she spent.
%
There was once a mechanic named Bench
Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench.
	With this vibrant device
	He could reach, in a trice,
The innermost parts of a wench.
%
There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel
Who said, "They can all go to hell!
	What they do to my wife--
	Why it ruins my life;
And the worst is, they all do it well.
%
There were three ladies of Huxham,
And whenever we meets 'em we fuxham,
	And when that game grows stale
	We sits on a rail,
And pulls out our pricks and they suxham.
%
There were three young ladies of Birmingham,
And this is the scandal concerning 'em.
	They lifted the frock
	And tickled the cock
Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.

Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool,
He'd been to a good public school,
	So he took down their britches
	And buggered those bitches
With his ten-inch episcopal tool.

Then up spoke a lady from Kew,
And said, as the Bishop withdrew,
	"The vicar is quicker
	And thicker and slicker,
And longer and stronger than you."
		-- Abuses of the Clergy
%
There's a charming young girl in Tobruk
Who refers to her quiff as a nook.
	It's deep and it's wide,
	-- You can curl up inside
With a nice easy chair and a book.
%
There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu
Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
	But now--it's appallin'--
	My balls always fall in!
I fear that I've fucked her unduly.
%
There's a dowager near Sweden Landing
Whose manners are odd and demanding.
	It's one of her jests
	To suck off her guests --
She hates to keep gentlemen standing.
%
There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock
Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock,
	But her cunt's got a pucker
	That's best not to fuck, or
When least you expect it to, it'll lock.
%
There's a rather odd couple in Herts
Who are cousins (or so each asserts);
	Their sex is in doubt
	For they're never without
Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,
Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
	In the shell Sue is great,
	But her boyfriend's irate,
When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
%
There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
	In her striving to please,
	She serves ale on her knees,
So the patrons get head with their draft.
%
There's a very hot babe at the Aggies
Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is.
	The seniors go round
	Hanging down to the ground,
And one extra-large Soph has to drag his.
%
There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious,
Since his shocking perversions are various...
	He will bugger some lad
	With a dildo (the cad!)
While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!"
%
There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts,
Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz.
	When one pireg is shot,
	There's that alternate twat,
But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.
%
There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
Who insists on a dozen a night.
	A fellow named Cheddar
	Had the brashness to wed her-
His chance of survival is slight.
%
There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,
Exceedingly hard to get onto,
	But when you get there,
	And have parted the hair,
You can fuck her as much as you want to.
%
They had come in the fugue to the stretto
When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto
	Slipped forward and grabbed
	Her tresses and stabbed
Her to death with a rusty stiletto. 
		-- Edward Gorey
%
This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend even you.  So I'll put
"di-dah" for the filthy words:

	Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
	Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
		di-dah di-dah di-dah?
		Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
	Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
%
Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz,
Was to do what man normally does,
	She declared, "I'm a Soul--
	Not a sexual goal!"
So he shrugged and called someone who was.
%
Though most of the crewmen are whites,
Uhura has full equal rights.
	Her crewmates, you see,
	Love De-mo-cra-cy,
And the way that she fills out her tights.
%
Though the invalid Saint of Brac
Lay all of his life on his back,
	His wife got her share,
	And the pilgrims now stare
At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.
%
'Tis a custom in Castellamare
To fuck in the back of a lorry.
	The chassis and springs
	Are like woodwinds and strings
In the midst of a musical soiree.
%
To a weepy young woman in Thrums
Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes
	Of allowing your tears
	To fall into my ears -
I think they have rotted the drums."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable.
Their fertility was somewhat unstable.
	He constructed a bed 
	Out of tree trunks and said,
"Even adders can multiply on a log table."
%
To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
	She replied, "Why, you fool,
	With your limp little tool
It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
%
To his bride said a numskull named Clarence :
"I trust you will show some forbearance.
	My sexual habits
	I picked up from rabbits,
And occasionally watching my parents."
%
To his bride said economist Fife :
"The semen you'll launch as my wife,
	We will salvage and freeze
	To resemble goat's cheese,
And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife."
%
To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
	Is your east tit the least bit
	The best of your west tit,
Or is it a trick of perspective?"
%
To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple,
As he poured his post-prandial tipple,
	"Your mother's behaviour
	Gave pain to Our Saviour,
And that's why He made you a cripple."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
Two anglers were fishing off Wight
And his bobber was dipping all night.
	Murmured she, with a laugh,
	"It's ready to gaff,
But don't break your rod which is light."

A couple was fishing near Clombe
When the maid began looking quite glum,
	And said, "Bother the fish!
	I'd rather coish!"
Which they did -- which was why they had come.

As two consular clerks in Madras
Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
	"What a marvelous pole,"
	Said she, "but control
Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass."
%
Two eager young men from Cawnpore
Once buggared and fucked the same whore.
	But her partition split
	And the blood and the shit
Rolled out in a mess on the floor.
%
Two roosters in one of our pens
Found their pricks were no larger than wens.
	As they looked at their foreskins
	And wished they had more skins,
They discovered they'd both become hens.
%
Un moine au milieu de la messe		A monk in the middle of mass
S'eleva et cria en detresse;		Stood up and cried out in distress;
	"La vie religieuse,			"The religious life
	C'est sale et affreuse,"		Is dirty and horrid,"
Et se poignarda dans les fesses.	And stabbed himself in the ass.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
Under the spreading chestnut tree
The village smith he sat,
	Amusing himself
	By abusing himself
And catching the load in his hat.
%
Une joile epousetta a Tours
Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours.
	Mais le mari disait, "Non!
	De trop n'est pas bon!
Mon derriere exige du secours!"
%
Visas erat: huic geminarum
Dispar modus testicularum:
	Minor haec nihili,
	Palma triplici,
Jam fecerat altera clarum.
%
We dedicate this to the cunt,
The kind the broad-minded guys hunt :
	All hail to the twat,
	Willing, thrilling, and hot,
That wears peckers down, limp and blunt!
%
We sailed on the good ship Venus,
My God, you should have seen us
	With a figurehead
	Of a whore in bed
And the mast an upright penis

The captain of the lugger
Was known as a filthy bugger
	Declared unfit
	To shovel shit
From one ship to another

The first mate's name was Cooper,
By god he was a trooper
	He jerked and jerked
	Until he worked
Himself into a stupor

The cabin boy was chipper,
A dandy little nipper
	He shoved cracked glass
	Inside his ass
And circumcised the skipper

The captain's wife was Charlotte,
Born and bred a harlot
	Her thighs at night
	Were lily white
By morning they were scarlet

The captain's youngest daughter
Slipped into the water
	Her plaintive squeals
	Announced that eels
Had found her sexual quarter

The ship's dog's name was Rover,
They turned the poor beast over
	And ground and ground
	That faithful hound
From Tenerief to Dover
%
Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse
By all of the lads in his class
	He said, with a yawn,
	"Now the novelty's gone
And it's only a pain in the ass."
%
"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp,
"And told my wife to try it on top.
	She bounced for an hour,
	Till she ran out of power,
And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop."
%
"Well, madam," the bishop declared,
While the vicar just mumbled and stared,
	"'Twere better, perhaps,
	In the crypt or the apse,
Because sex in the nave must be shared."
%
When he tried to inject his huge whanger
A young man aroused his girl's anger.
	As they strove in the dark
	She was heard to remark,
"What you need is a zeppelin hanger."
%
When I was a baby, my penis
Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.
	But now 'this as red
	As her nipples instead--
All because of the feminie genus!
%
When they asked a pert baggage name Alice,
Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace,
	"Was he modest or vain?"
	"Was he regal or plain?"
She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!"
%
When you fuck little Annie in Anza
You get a great bossom bonanza:
	Sucking Annie's soft tits
	Makes her throw fifty fits,
And the fuck is a sextravaganza!
%
While his duchess lay practically dead,
The Duke of Daguerrodargue said:
	"Can it be this is all?
	How puny! How small!
Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
	She explained, "They are flat,
	But think nothing of that --
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
%
While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
	She explained, "They are flat,
	But think nothing of that --
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
%
While out on a date in his Fiat,
The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?"
	As he bent down to seek,
	She let out a shriek:
"That's not where it's likely to be at."
%
While spending the winter at Pau
Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."
	So the head-porter made her
	And the second-cook laid her;
The waiters were all hanging low.
%
While Titian was mixing rose madder,
His model reclined on a ladder.
	Her position to Titian
	Suggested coition,
So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.
%
While travelling in farthest Tibet,
Lord Irongate found cause to regret
	The buttered-up tea,
	A pain in his knee,
And the frivolous tourists he met.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
Winter is here with his grouch,
The time when you sneeze and you slouch.
	You can't take your women
	Canoein' or swimmin',
But a lot can be done on a couch.
%
With his penis in turgid erection,
And aimed at woman's mid-section,
	Man looks most uncouth
	In that Moment of Truth,
But she sheathes it with loving affection.
%
You Women's Lib gals won't agree,
But dependent on men you must be:
	You'll need a him
	With a rod firm and trim,
To puggle your water-drains free!
%
You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham,
Well, here's the new story concerning 'im :
	He buggers the choir
	As they sing "Ave Maria,"
And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em.
%
Young Frederick the great was a beaut.
To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute.
	If you'll come to my palace,
	I'll finger your phallus,
And then I shall blow on your flute."
%
A Linux machine! because a 486 is a terrible thing to waste!
(By jjs@wintermute.ucr.edu, Joe Sloan)
%
"A word to the wise: a credentials dicksize war is usually a bad idea on the
net."
(David Parsons in c.o.l.development.system, about coding in C.)
%
"Absolutely nothing should be concluded from these figures except that
no conclusion can be drawn from them."
(By Joseph L. Brothers, Linux/PowerPC Project)
%
Actually, typing random strings in the Finder does the equivalent of
filename completion.
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands: file
completion vs. the Mac Finder.)
%
After watching my newly-retired dad spend two weeks learning how to make a new
folder, it became obvious that "intuitive" mostly means "what the writer or
speaker of intuitive likes".
(Bruce Ediger, bediger@teal.csn.org, in comp.os.linux.misc, on X the
intuitiveness of a Mac interface.)
%
"All language designers are arrogant.  Goes with the territory..."
(By Larry Wall)
%
And 1.1.81 is officially BugFree(tm), so if you receive any bug-reports
on it, you know they are just evil lies."
(By Linus Torvalds, Linus.Torvalds@cs.helsinki.fi)
%
"...and scantily clad females, of course.  Who cares if it's below zero
outside"
(By Linus Torvalds)
%
"And the next time you consider complaining that running Lucid Emacs
19.05 via NFS from a remote Linux machine in Paraguay doesn't seem to
get the background colors right, you'll know who to thank."
(By Matt Welsh)
%
> : Any porters out there should feel happier knowing that DEC is shipping
> : me an AlphaPC that I intend to try getting linux running on: this will
> : definitely help flush out some of the most flagrant unportable stuff.
> : The Alpha is much more different from the i386 than the 68k stuff is, so
> : it's likely to get most of the stuff fixed.
>
> It's posts like this that almost convince us non-believers that there
> really is a god.
(A follow-up by alovell@kerberos.demon.co.uk, Anthony Lovell, to Linus's
remarks about porting)
%
Anyone who thinks UNIX is intuitive should be forced to write 5000 lines of 
code using nothing but vi or emacs. AAAAACK!
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands, especially
Emacs.)
%
"Are [Linux users] lemmings collectively jumping off of the cliff of
reliable, well-engineered commercial software?"
(By Matt Welsh)
%
As usual, this being a 1.3.x release, I haven't even compiled this
kernel yet.  So if it works, you should be doubly impressed.
(Linus Torvalds, announcing kernel 1.3.3 on the linux-kernel mailing list.)
%
Avoid the Gates of Hell.  Use Linux
(Unknown source)
%
Be warned that typing \fBkillall \fIname\fP may not have the desired
effect on non-Linux systems, especially when done by a privileged user.
(From the killall manual page)
%
"Besides, I think [Slackware] sounds better than 'Microsoft,' don't you?"
(By Patrick Volkerding)
%
But what can you do with it?  -- ubiquitous cry from Linux-user partner.
(Submitted by Andy Pearce, ajp@hpopd.pwd.hp.com)
%
"By golly, I'm beginning to think Linux really *is* the best thing since
sliced bread."
(By Vance Petree, Virginia Power)
%
/*
 * Oops. The kernel tried to access some bad page. We'll have to
 * terminate things with extreme prejudice.
*/
die_if_kernel("Oops", regs, error_code);
(From linux/arch/i386/mm/fault.c)				   
%
"...Deep Hack Mode--that mysterious and frightening state of
consciousness where Mortal Users fear to tread."
(By Matt Welsh)
%
Dijkstra probably hates me
(Linus Torvalds, in kernel/sched.c)
%
DOS: n., A small annoying boot virus that causes random spontaneous system
     crashes, usually just before saving a massive project.  Easily cured by
     UNIX.  See also MS-DOS, IBM-DOS, DR-DOS.
(from David Vicker's .plan)
%
/*
 * [...] Note that 120 sec is defined in the protocol as the maximum
 * possible RTT.  I guess we'll have to use something other than TCP
 * to talk to the University of Mars.
 * PAWS allows us longer timeouts and large windows, so once implemented
 * ftp to mars will work nicely.
 */
(from /usr/src/linux/net/inet/tcp.c, concerning RTT [retransmission timeout])
%
"Even more amazing was the realization that God has Internet access.  I
wonder if He has a full newsfeed?"
(By Matt Welsh)
%
>Ever heard of .cshrc?
That's a city in Bosnia.  Right?
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands.)
%
Fatal Error: Found [MS-Windows] System -> Repartitioning Disk for Linux...
(By cbbrown@io.org, Christopher Browne)
%
How do I type "for i in *.dvi do xdvi i done" in a GUI?
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of interfaces.)
%
"How should I know if it works?  That's what beta testers are for.  I only
coded it."
(Attributed to Linus Torvalds, somewhere in a posting)
%
----==-- _                     / /  \
---==---(_)__  __ ____  __    / / /\ \
--==---/ / _ \/ // /\ \/ /   / /_/\ \ \
-=====/_/_//_/\_,_/ /_/\_\  /______\ \ \
A proud member of TeamLinux \_________\/
(By CHaley (HAC), haley@unm.edu, ch008cth@pi.lanl.gov)
%
I develop for Linux for a living, I used to develop for DOS.
Going from DOS to Linux is like trading a glider for an F117.
(By entropy@world.std.com, Lawrence Foard)
%
I did this 'cause Linux gives me a woody.  It doesn't generate revenue.
(Dave '-ddt->` Taylor, announcing DOOM for Linux)
%
Feel free to contact me (flames about my english and the useless of this
driver will be redirected to /dev/null, oh no, it's full...).
(Michael Beck, describing the PC-speaker sound device)
%
"I don't know why, but first C programs tend to look a lot worse than
first programs in any other language (maybe except for fortran, but then
I suspect all fortran programs look like `firsts')"
(By Olaf Kirch)
%
"I once witnessed a long-winded, month-long flamewar over the use of
mice vs. trackballs...It was very silly."
(By Matt Welsh)
%
I still maintain the point that designing a monolithic kernel in 1991 is a
fundamental error.  Be thankful you are not my student.  You would not get a
high grade for such a design :-)
(Andrew Tanenbaum to Linus Torvalds)
%
"I would rather spend 10 hours reading someone else's source code than
10 minutes listening to Musak waiting for technical support which isn't."
(By Dr. Greg Wettstein, Roger Maris Cancer Center)
%
"I'd crawl over an acre of 'Visual This++' and 'Integrated Development
That' to get to gcc, Emacs, and gdb.  Thank you."
(By Vance Petree, Virginia Power)
%
"I'm an idiot.. At least this one [bug] took about 5 minutes to find.."
(Linus Torvalds in response to a bug report.)

> I'm an idiot.. At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find..
Disquieting ...
(Gonzalo Tornaria in response to Linus Torvalds's mailing about a kernel bug.)

> I'm an idiot.. At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find..
We need to find some new terms to describe the rest of us mere mortals
then.
(Craig Schlenter in response to Linus Torvalds's mailing about a kernel bug.)

> I'm an idiot.. At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find..
Surely, Linus is talking about the kind of idiocy that others aspire to :-).
(Bruce Perens in response to Linus Torvalds's mailing about a kernel bug.)
%
I've run DOOM more in the last few days than I have the last few
months.  I just love debugging ;-)
(Linus Torvalds)
%
Microsoft Corp., concerned by the growing popularity of the free 32-bit
operating system for Intel systems, Linux, has employed a number of top
programmers from the underground world of virus development. Bill Gates stated
yesterday: "World domination, fast -- it's either us or Linus". Mr. Torvalds
was unavailable for comment ...
(rjm@swift.eng.ox.ac.uk (Robert Manners), in comp.os.linux.setup)
%
    if (argc > 1 && strcmp(argv[1], "-advice") == 0) {
	printf("Don't Panic!\n");
	exit(42);
    }
(Arnold Robbins in the LJ of February '95, describing RCS)
%
+#if defined(__alpha__) && defined(CONFIG_PCI)
+       /*
+        * The meaning of life, the universe, and everything. Plus
+        * this makes the year come out right.
+        */
+       year -= 42;
+#endif
(From the patch for 1.3.2: (kernel/time.c), submitted by Marcus Meissner)
%
"If the future navigation system [for interactive networked services on
the NII] looks like something from Microsoft, it will never work."
(Chairman of Walt Disney Television & Telecommunications)
%
"If you want to travel around the world and be invited to speak at a lot
of different places, just write a Unix operating system."
(By Linus Torvalds)
%
"[In 'Doctor' mode], I spent a good ten minutes telling Emacs what I
thought of it.  (The response was, 'Perhaps you could try to be less
abusive.')"
(By Matt Welsh)
%
In most countries selling harmful things like drugs is punishable.
Then howcome people can sell Microsoft software and go unpunished?
(By hasku@rost.abo.fi, Hasse Skrifvars)
%
Intel engineering seem to have misheard Intel marketing strategy. The phrase
was "Divide and conquer" not "Divide and cock up"
(By iialan@www.linux.org.uk, Alan Cox)
%
"It's God.  No, not Richard Stallman, or Linus Torvalds, but God."
(By Matt Welsh)
%
LILO, you've got me on my knees!
(from David Black, dblack@pilot.njin.net, with apologies to Derek and the
Dominos, and Werner Almsberger)
%
Linux is obsolete
(Andrew Tanenbaum)
%
"Linux poses a real challenge for those with a taste for late-night
hacking (and/or conversations with God)."
(By Matt Welsh)
%
Linux!  Guerrilla UNIX Development     Venimus, Vidimus, Dolavimus.
(By mah@ka4ybr.com, Mark A. Horton KA4YBR)
%
"...[Linux's] capacity to talk via any medium except smoke signals."
(By Dr. Greg Wettstein, Roger Maris Cancer Center)
%
linux: because a PC is a terrible thing to waste
(ksh@cis.ufl.edu put this on Tshirts in '93)
%
Linux: Because a PC is a terrible thing to waste.
(By komarimf@craft.camp.clarkson.edu, Mark Komarinski)
%
linux: the choice of a GNU generation
(ksh@cis.ufl.edu put this on Tshirts in '93)
%
"Linux: the operating system with a CLUE...
Command Line User Environment".
(seen in a posting in comp.software.testing)
%
lp1 on fire
(One of the more obfuscated kernel messages)
%
Microsoft is not the answer.
Microsoft is the question.
NO (or Linux) is the answer.
(Taken from a .signature from someone from the UK, source unknown)
%
'Mounten' wird fuer drei Dinge benutzt: 'Aufsitzen' auf Pferde, 'einklinken'
von Festplatten in Dateisysteme, und, nun, 'besteigen' beim Sex.
(Christa Keil in a German posting: "Mounting is used for three things:
climbing on a horse, linking in a hard disk unit in data systems, and, well,
mounting during sex".)
%
"MSDOS didn't get as bad as it is overnight -- it took over ten years
of careful development."
(By dmeggins@aix1.uottawa.ca)
%
"Never make any mistaeks."
(Anonymous, in a mail discussion about to a kernel bug report.)
%
> No manual is ever necessary.
May I politely interject here: BULLSHIT.  That's the biggest Apple lie of all!
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of interfaces.)
%
Not me, guy. I read the Bash man page each day like a Jehovah's Witness reads
the Bible. No wait, the Bash man page IS the bible. Excuse me...
(More on confusing aliases, taken from comp.os.linux.misc)
%
"Note that if I can get you to \"su and say\" something just by asking,
you have a very serious security problem on your system and you should
look into it."
(By Paul Vixie, vixie-cron 3.0.1 installation notes)
%
Now I know someone out there is going to claim, "Well then, UNIX is intuitive,
because you only need to learn 5000 commands, and then everything else follows
from that! Har har har!"
(Andy Bates in comp.os.linux.misc, on "intuitive interfaces", slightly
defending Macs.)
%
Now, it we had this sort of thing:
  yield -a     for yield to all traffic
  yield -t     for yield to trucks
  yield -f     for yield to people walking (yield foot)
  yield -d t*  for yield on days starting with t
...you'd have a lot of dead people at intersections, and traffic jams you
wouldn't believe...
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands.)
%
"Oh, I've seen copies [of Linux Journal] around the terminal room at The
Labs."
(By Dennis Ritchie)
%
"On a normal ascii line, the only safe condition to detect is a 'BREAK'
- everything else having been assigned functions by Gnu EMACS."
(By Tarl Neustaedter)
%
"On the Internet, no one knows you're using Windows NT"
(Submitted by Ramiro Estrugo, restrugo@fateware.com)
%
Once upon a time there was a DOS user who saw Unix, and saw that it was
good. After typing cp on his DOS machine at home, he downloaded GNU's
unix tools ported to DOS and installed them. He rm'd, cp'd, and mv'd
happily for many days, and upon finding elvis, he vi'd and was happy. After
a long day at work (on a Unix box) he came home, started editing a file,
and couldn't figure out why he couldn't suspend vi (w/ ctrl-z) to do
a compile.
(By ewt@tipper.oit.unc.edu (Erik Troan)
%
> > Other than the fact Linux has a cool name, could someone explain why I
> > should use Linux over BSD?
>
> No.  That's it.  The cool name, that is.  We worked very hard on
> creating a name that would appeal to the majority of people, and it
> certainly paid off: thousands of people are using linux just to be able
> to say "OS/2? Hah.  I've got Linux.  What a cool name".  386BSD made the
> mistake of putting a lot of numbers and weird abbreviations into the
> name, and is scaring away a lot of people just because it sounds too
> technical.
(Linus Torvalds' follow-up to a question about Linux)
%
Personally, I think my choice in the mostest-superlative-computer wars has to
be the HP-48 series of calculators.  They'll run almost anything.  And if they
can't, while I'll just plug a Linux box into the serial port and load up the
HP-48 VT-100 emulator.
(By jdege@winternet.com, Jeff Dege)
%
There are no threads in a.b.p.erotica,  so there's no  gain in using a
threaded news reader.
(Unknown source)
%
"Problem solving under linux has never been the circus that it is under
AIX."
(By Pete Ehlke in comp.unix.aix)
%
quit   When the quit statement is read, the  bc  processor
       is  terminated, regardless of where the quit state-
       ment is found.  For example, "if  (0  ==  1)  quit"
       will cause bc to terminate.
(Seen in the manpage for "bc". Note the "if" statement's logic)
%
Running Windows on a Pentium is like having a brand new Porsche but only
be able to drive backwards with the handbrake on.
(Unknown source)
%
"sic transit discus mundi"
(From the System Administrator's Guide, by Lars Wirzenius)
%
Sigh.  I like to think it's just the Linux people who want to be on
the "leading edge" so bad they walk right off the precipice.
(Craig E. Groeschel)
%
The chat program is in public domain. This is not the GNU public license. If
it breaks then you get to keep both pieces.
(Copyright notice for the chat program)
%
> The day people think linux would be better served by somebody else (FSF
> being the natural alternative), I'll "abdicate".  I don't think that
> it's something people have to worry about right now - I don't see it
> happening in the near future.  I enjoy doing linux, even though it does
> mean some work, and I haven't gotten any complaints (some almost timid
> reminders about a patch I have forgotten or ignored, but nothing
> negative so far).
>
> Don't take the above to mean that I'll stop the day somebody complains:
> I'm thick-skinned (Lasu, who is reading this over my shoulder commented
> that "thick-HEADED is closer to the truth") enough to take some abuse.
> If I weren't, I'd have stopped developing linux the day ast ridiculed me
> on c.o.minix.  What I mean is just that while linux has been my baby so
> far, I don't want to stand in the way if people want to make something
> better of it (*).
>
>                 Linus
>
> (*) Hey, maybe I could apply for a saint-hood from the Pope.  Does
> somebody know what his email-address is? I'm so nice it makes you puke.
(Taken from Linus's reply to someone worried about the future of Linux)
%
The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a
dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.
(Arno Schaefer's .sig)
%
The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned.
(Bruce Ediger, bediger@teal.csn.org, in comp.os.linux.misc, on X interfaces.)
%
There are two types of Linux developers - those who can spell, and
those who can't. There is a constant pitched battle between the two.
(From one of the post-1.1.54 kernel update messages posted to c.o.l.a)
%
This  message was brought to  you by Linux, the free  unix.
Windows without the X is like making love without a partner.
Sex, Drugs & Linux Rules
win-nt from the people who invented edlin
apples  have  meant  trouble  since  eden
Linux, the way to get rid of boot viruses
(By mwikholm@at8.abo.fi, MaDsen Wikholm)
%
"...Unix, MS-DOS, and Windows NT (also known as the Good, the Bad, and
the Ugly)."
(By Matt Welsh)
%
"...very few phenomena can pull someone out of Deep Hack Mode, with two
noted exceptions: being struck by lightning, or worse, your *computer*
being struck by lightning."
(By Matt Welsh)
%
"Waving away a cloud of smoke, I look up, and am blinded by a bright, white
light. It's God. No, not Richard Stallman, or Linus Torvalds, but God. In
a booming voice, He says: "THIS IS A SIGN. USE LINUX, THE FREE UNIX SYSTEM
FOR THE 386."
(Matt Welsh)
%
"We all know Linux is great...it does infinite loops in 5 seconds."
(Linus Torvalds about the superiority of Linux on the Amterdam
Linux Symposium)
%
We are MicroSoft.  You will be assimilated.  Resistance is futile.
(Attributed to B.G., Gill Bates)
%
We are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.
(seen in someone's .signature)
%
We are using Linux daily to UP our productivity - so UP yours!
(Adapted from Pat Paulsen by Joe Sloan)
%
We come to bury DOS, not to praise it.
(Paul Vojta, vojta@math.berkeley.edu, paraphrasing a quote of Shakespeare)
%
We use Linux for all our mission-critical applications. Having the source code
means that we are not held hostage by anyone's support department.
(Russell Nelson, President of Crynwr Software)
%
"What you end up with, after running an operating system concept through
these many marketing coffee filters, is something not unlike plain hot
water."
(By Matt Welsh)
%
What's this script do?
    unzip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; gasp ; yes ; umount ; sleep
Hint for the answer: not everything is computer-oriented. Sometimes you're
in a sleeping bag, camping out.
(Contributed by Frans van der Zande.)
%
`When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare at
you blankly and say "Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*".'
(By Linus Torvalds)
%
"Whip me.  Beat me.  Make me maintain AIX."
(By Stephan Zielinski)
%
"Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk ?"
Microsoft spel chekar vor sail, worgs grate !!
(By leitner@inf.fu-berlin.de, Felix von Leitner)
%
Who wants to remember that escape-x-alt-control-left shift-b puts you into
super-edit-debug-compile mode?
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands, especially
Emacs.)
%
Why use Windows, since there is a door?
(By fachat@galileo.rhein-neckar.de, Andre Fachat)
%
"World domination.  Fast"
(By Linus Torvalds)
%
..you could spend *all day* customizing the title bar.  Believe me.  I
speak from experience."
(By Matt Welsh)
%
"...you might as well skip the Xmas celebration completely, and instead
sit in front of your linux computer playing with the
all-new-and-improved linux kernel version."
(By Linus Torvalds)
%
Your job is being a professor and researcher: That's one hell of a good excuse
for some of the brain-damages of minix.
(Linus Torvalds to Andrew Tanenbaum)
%
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
		-- Mark Twain
%
A classic is something that everyone wants to have read
and nobody wants to read.
		-- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
%
A horse!  A horse!  My kingdom for a horse!
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
		-- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.
%
A is for Apple.
		-- Hester Pryne
%
A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
		-- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
%
A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%
	A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
wife asked "What have you got there?"  Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
%
... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
		-- Mark Twain
%
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
	-- by Charles Dickens

	A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.

The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
	-- by Franz Kafka

	A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.

Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
	-- by J.R.R. Tolkien

	Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.

Hamlet LITE(tm)
	-- by Wm. Shakespeare

	A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
	girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
%
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
	-- by Charles Dickens

	A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
	like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
	lady who knits.

Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
	-- by Fyodor Dostoevski

	A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
	feels guilty and apologizes.

The Odyssey LITE(tm)
	-- by Homer

	After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
%
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
		-- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
%
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
%
All generalizations are false, including this one.
		-- Mark Twain
%
All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and 
an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
		-- Samuel Beckett
%
All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from
the mouths of people who have had to live.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
		-- Mark Twain
%
All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
		-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
%
Always do right.  This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
%
"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar."
		-- Mark Twain
%
An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
%
Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things
than someone who hasn't.
		-- Mark Twain
%
April 1

This is the day upon which we are reminged of what we are on the other three
hundred and sixty-four.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
		-- Shakespeare, "King Lear"
%
As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
after fact and reason.
		-- John Keats
%
AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE!
	FEAR! FIRE! FOES!
		AWAKE! AWAKE!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
in 1959.
		-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
		   bad fiction contest.
%
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is
but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention;" but the wise
man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET."
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Big book, big bore.
		-- Callimachus
%
But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
%
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.  Another man's, I mean.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Condense soup, not books!
%
Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
		-- Shakespeare
%
Consider well the proportions of things.  It is better to be a young June-bug
than an old bird of paradise.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear.  Except a
creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely
a loose misapplication of the word.  Consider the flea!--incomparably the
bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage. 
Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact
that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth
to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the
very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more
afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by
an earthquake ten centuries before.  When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam
as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea--and
put him at the head of the procession.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Delay not, Caesar.  Read it instantly.
		-- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
 
Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
		-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
 
	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to I/O system services.]
%
Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
steroid-free fitness center.
		-- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
%
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you
nothing.  It was here first.
		-- Mark Twain
%
"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him.  "Cabbages and potatoes are better
for you and me."
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
English literature's performing flea.
		-- Sean O'Casey on P.G. Wodehouse
%
Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at
fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution.  Take
the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will
find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil,
you will say that she did it with her teeth.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Every cloud engenders not a storm.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
Every why hath a wherefore.
		-- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
%
Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
%
F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
	"Ernest, the rich are different from us."
Hemingway:
	"Yes.  They have more money."
%
Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is
oblivion.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
		-- "Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
For a light heart lives long.
		-- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
%
For courage mounteth with occasion.
		-- William Shakespeare, "King John"
%
For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
was a gate.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"

	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to system overview.]
 
%
For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel.  And if one can
neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
		-- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"

	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to powerfail recovery.]
%
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
		-- Justin Richardson.
%
Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien
%
Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
	-- by Margaret Mitchell

	A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.

Gift of the Magi LITE(tm)
	-- by O. Henry

	A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.

The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
	-- by Ernest Hemingway

	An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.

Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
	-- by Anne Frank

	A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
%
Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. 
You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy
officials have gone by.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must
have somebody to divide it with.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed
down-stairs a step at a time.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar
%
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And hain't that a big
enough majority in any town?
		-- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
%
Harp not on that string.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not
advice, it is merely custom.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his
argument.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
%
He hath eaten me out of house and home.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
%
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
		-- Mark Twain
%
He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
		-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
%
He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien
%
He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
%
He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too.
		-- Lewis Carroll
%
Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
%
His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god.  He preferred
to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam.  He never
claimed to be a god.  But then, he never claimed not to be a god.  Circum-
stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
Silence, though, could.  It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
goddess of the Night.  The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
		-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
%
How apt the poor are to be proud.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
%
I do desire we may be better strangers.
		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
%
I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less
than half of you half as well as you deserve.
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
I dote on his very absence.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%
I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,
so I woke up from sheer boredom.
%
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
		-- Mark Twain
%
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
week sometimes to make it up.
		-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
%
I reverently believe that the maker who made us all  makes everything in New
England, but the weather.  I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
if they don't get it.
		-- Mark Twain
%
I think we are in Rats' Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
		-- T.S. Eliot
%
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
		-- Mark Twain
%
I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.  I
will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future.  The Spirits of all
Three shall strive within me.  I will not shut out the lessons that they
teach.  Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone!
		-- Charles Dickens
%
"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed.  Oh, I 
know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must 
be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people 
I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
		-- Bastian B. Bux
%
I'll burn my books.
		-- Christopher Marlowe
%
I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
And from that full meridian of my glory
I haste now to my setting.  I shall fall,
Like a bright exhalation in the evening
And no man see me more.
		-- Shakespeare
%
If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
be a merrier world.
		-- J.R.R. Tolkien
%
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use
in reading it at all.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
		-- Ernest Hemingway
%
If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
		-- Mark Twain
%
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. 
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
		-- Mark Twain
%
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
		-- Mark Twain
%
In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
		-- Mark Twain
%
In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
have obtained from books of travel.
		-- Mark Twain
%
In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made
school boards.
		-- Mark Twain
%
In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
struggled and had lots of children.  There was a Frenchman who talked funny
and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
crunch he was all courage.  Those novels would make you retch.
		-- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
		   novel.
%
In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles.  Therefore ... in the Old
Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.  ... There is
something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesome returns of
conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
		-- Mark Twain
%
In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of
24 hours.
		-- Mark Twain, on New England weather
%
It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely
the most important.
		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
%
It is a wise father that knows his own child.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
		-- Mark Twain
%
It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition.  There was once a man
who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that
there were too many prehistoric toads in it.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best
judge of one.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
day like any other day, only shorter.
		-- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
%
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
		-- Mark Twain
%
It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion
that makes horse-races.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Its name is Public Opinion.  It is held in reverence.  It settles everything.
Some think it is the voice of God.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
%
Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
		-- Shakespeare
%
Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
		-- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
%
Let me take you a button-hole lower.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
%
Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be
sorry.
		-- Maek Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
		-- Rachel Sheeley, winner

The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
see her little dog Pritzi again.
		-- Claudia Fields, runner-up

It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
		-- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up

Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest.  The contest is
named after the author of the immortal lines:  "It was a dark and stormy
night."  The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
worst possible novel.
%
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
		-- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
%
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't
understand his own meaning.
		-- George D. Prentice
%
Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher.  The butcher is
weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
weeks.  He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
he thinks about his dog.  The dog is named Herbert.
		-- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
%
Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
very thin paper.
%
Many pages make a thick book.
%
Mind!  I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
particularly dead about a door-nail.  I might have been inclined, myself,
to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for.  You will therefore permit
me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
		-- Charles Dickens, "A Christmas Carol"
%
Must I hold a candle to my shames?
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%
	My dear People.
	My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks,
and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers,
Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots.  Also my good
Sackville Bagginses that I welcome back at last to Bag End.  Today is my
one hundred and eleventh birthday: I am eleventy-one today!"
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien
%
My only love sprung from my only hate!
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
		-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
%
Never laugh at live dragons.
		-- Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Hobbit"]
%
No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.
		-- Mark Twain
%
No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
		-- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
%
No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you!  Consider the furniture!
		-- Sherlock Holmes
%
Noise proves nothing.  Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles
as if she laid an asteroid.
		-- Mark Twain
%
"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."
		-- Shakespeare
%
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
O, it is excellent
To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
To use it like a giant.
		-- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
%
October 12, the Discovery.

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss
it.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
October.

This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in.

The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June,
December, August, and February.

		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
		-- Shakespeare
%
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has
only nine lives.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Patch griefs with proverbs.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
%
Perilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves
possess.
		-- Gandalf the Grey [J.R.R. Tolkien, "Lord of the Rings"]
%
Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
to find a plot in it will be shot.  By Order of the Author
		-- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
%
question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
		-- Wm. Shakespeare
%
Reader, suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of
Congress.  But I repeat myself.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
%
Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools
that think they are truffles.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
		-- Mark Twain
%
ROMEO:		Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO:	No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide
			as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
%
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
%
She is not refined.  She is not unrefined.  She keeps a parrot.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
		-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
		   bad fiction contest.
%
Small things make base men proud.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie;
and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head
into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently
married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand
Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all
fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran
out at the heels of their boots.
		-- Samuel Foote
%
So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
and yet it is not; it is but so so.
		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
%
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more
deadly in the long run.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
		-- Shakespeare
%
Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.  Then it passes off and I'm
as intelligent as ever.
		-- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
%
"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee.  Of all divers,
thou has dived the deepest.  That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
moved amid the world's foundations.  Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
water-land, there was thy most familiar home.  Thou hast been where bell or
diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
would give their lives to lay them down.  Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them.  Thou saw'st the
murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms.  O head! thou has
seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
syllable is thine!"
		-- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
%
Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time.  So long
as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks
into, there is room for lateral movement.  Once this begins, its rate is
a matter of discretion.
		-- Corwin, Prince of Amber
%
Stop!  There was first a game of blindman's buff.  Of course there was.
And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
in his boots.  My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it.  The
way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
on the credulity of human nature.
%
Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare
%
Swerve me?  The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
whereon my soul is grooved to run.  Over unsounded gorges, through
the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!
		-- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
%
Talkers are no good doers.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
Tell the truth or trump--but get the trick.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Tempt not a desperate man.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
%
The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
%
The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II"
%
The better part of valor is discretion.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
%
The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
		-- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
%
The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
Univ.  by Professor Scott Rice.  It is held in memory of Edward George
Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
time) novelist.  He is best known today for having written "The Last
Days of Pompeii."

Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
Bulwer-Lytton.  This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
written in 1830.  The full line reveals why it is so bad:

	It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
	at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
	wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
	lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
	flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
%
The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
with Basil.
		-- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
%
The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
career.
		-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
%
The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%
The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference
between a mermaid and a seal.
		-- Mark Twain
%
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the
difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
		-- Mark Twain
%
The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
%
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
%
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and
enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to
lend money.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
		-- Mark Twain
%
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
procession but carrying a banner.
		-- Mark Twain
%
The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
		-- Blaise Pascal
%
The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
	The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax.  A
most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
give a public reading of his latest poem.
	Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
	Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece.  "Be so good as to mark
the place and consider at your leisure.  I'm sure you can give it a better
turn."
	After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side.  "There is no need to touch the
lines," he said.  "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
on those passages, and then read them to him as altered.  I have known him
much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
	Pope took his advice, called on Lord Halifax and read the poem
exactly as it was before.  His unique critical faculties had lost none of
their edge.  "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right.  Nothing can
be better."
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The Least Successful Collector
	Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting.  She
was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
works of Shakespeare.
	One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
legibility.  Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms.  The
remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
	The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
steel through your last meal!'
		-- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
%
The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
Are of imagination all compact...
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
%
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
		-- Mark Twain
%
The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
%
	"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
	"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
feel interested.
	"No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
vexed.  "That's what the name is called.  The name really is, 'The Aged
Aged Man.'"
	"Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
Alice corrected herself.
	"No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing!  The song is
called 'Ways and Means':  but that's only what it is called you know!"
	"Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
time completely bewildered.
	"I was coming to that," the Knight said.  "The song really is
"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
		--Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered
rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
		-- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
%
The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
		-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
%
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what
you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
		-- Mark Twain
%
	The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
	A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
Turning the curve he waved his hand.  A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
out on the water, round.  Usurper.
		-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
%
The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
		-- Mark Twain
%
The ripest fruit falls first.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
%
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
		-- Mark Twain
%
The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
%
The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
		-- Mark Twain
%
The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with
commoner things.  It is chief of the world's luxuries, king by the grace of God
over all the fruits of the earth.  When one has tasted it, he knows what the
angels eat.  It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because
she repented.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
		-- Mark Twain
%
There are more things in heaven and earth,
Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Hamlet"
%
There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a
rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2,
to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the
manuscript of his forthcoming book.  No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2
admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
%
There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.
		-- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
%
There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
		-- Mark Twain
%
There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by
ridicule, howsoever poor and witless.  Observe the ass, for instance: his
character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler
animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to.  Instead of feeling
complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
		-- Mark Twain
%
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
		-- Ernest Hemingway
%
There's small choice in rotten apples.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
%
They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
%
They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy".  Foreigners
always spell better than they pronounce.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Things past redress and now with me past care.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
%
This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a
little ironic since we may not have one.
		-- Arthur Clarke
%
This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%
This was the most unkindest cut of all.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
%
To be or not to be.
		-- Shakespeare
To do is to be.
		-- Nietzsche
To be is to do.
		-- Sartre
Do be do be do.
		-- Sinatra
%
Too much is just enough.
		-- Mark Twain, on whiskey
%
Training is everything.  The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is
nothing but cabbage with a college education.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
be so superfluous to demand the time of the day.  I wasted time and now doth
time waste me.
		-- William Shakespeare
%
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
		-- Mark Twain
%
We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the
bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster.  It seems
almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the
oyster.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
		-- Mark Twain
%
We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.  But there was
also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
French restaurant. [...]
	I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
white BMW and her Jordache smile.  There had been a fight.  I had punched her
boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls.  Everyone told him, "You ride the
bull, senor.  You do not fight it."  But he was lean and tough like a bad
rib-eye and he fought the bull.  And then he fought me.  And when we finished
there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
	"Stop the car," the girl said.
	There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes.  She knew about the
woman of the tollway.  I knew not how.  I started to speak, but she raised an
arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
	"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
belle's for thee."
	The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
onto my granola and faced a new day.
		-- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
		   Competition
%
Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
that like most books, it had too many words.  The plot was the same one that
all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
women.  There, that's it: 24 words.  But the guy who wrote the book took
*thousands* of words to say it.
	Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
Fyodor Dostoyevsky.  It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
Or maybe only one of them kills the father.  It's impossible to tell because
what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.  If all Russians talk
as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
major world power.
	I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
the question of whether there is a God.  So why didn't he just come right
out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
	Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:

* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
  nature and will kill you.
* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
		-- Dave Barry
%
What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
		-- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
%
What I tell you three times is true.
		-- Lewis Carroll
%
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working
when he's staring out the window.
%
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone
to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
cannot remember any but the things that never happened.  It is sad to
go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
		-- Mark Twain
%
When in doubt, tell the truth.
		-- Mark Twain
%
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
		-- Dylan Thomas
%
When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
		-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
%
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
		-- Mark Twain "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
%
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
to reform.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt
of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race.  He
brought death into the world.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is because we
are not the person involved.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until
drops of blood form on your forehead.
		-- Gene Fowler
%
Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
		-- J.P. Donleavy
%
"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."
		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
%
	"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
	"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
	"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice.
	"I was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
		-- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
%
You may my glories and my state dispose,
But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
%
You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
		-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
%
You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night
to write.
		-- Saul Bellow
%
You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.  A fool
takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
brain-attic.  He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
order.  It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
can distend to any extent.  Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before.  It is of
the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
the useful ones.
		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
%
You tread upon my patience.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
%
	You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
		-- Sherlock Holmes
%
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
original and the part that is original is not good.
		-- Samuel Johnson
%
Zounds!  I was never so bethumped with words
since I first called my brother's father dad.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Kind John"
%
A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
%
A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual
stoppage of speech at a moment when words are superfluous.
%
A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers.  It was clearly platoonic.
%
Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones,
as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
		-- La Rochefoucauld
%
Absence in love is like water upon fire; a little quickens, but much
extinguishes it.
		-- Hannah More
%
Absence is to love what wind is to fire.  It extinguishes the small,
it enkindles the great.
%
All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
ridiculous ones.
		-- La Rochefoucauld
%
Always there remain portions of our heart into which no one is able to enter,
invite them as we may.
%
Bondage maybe, discipline never!
		-- T.K.
%
Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight acquaintance
and without any visible reason.
		-- Lord Chesterfield
%
Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
%
Falling in Love
	When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
love.  You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place.  Unfortunately,
these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
good idea to check with your doctor.
		-- Dave Barry
%
Falling in love is a lot like dying.  You never get to do it enough to
become good at it.
%
Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:

	"Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."

Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:

	P.O. Box 35
	Baffled Greek, Michigan
%
Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
		-- St. Augustine
%
God is love, but get it in writing.
		-- Gypsy Rose Lee
%
"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable perversion."
		-- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
%
He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
encounter many rivals.
		-- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
%
Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
		-- The Wizard of Oz
%
HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
	Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you".  It's a sin to
	tell a lie.  Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
	these words were spoken.
%
His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
%
How much does she love you?  Less than you'll ever know.
%
I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
		-- John Donne
%
I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, and provide temporary
relief to nymphomaniacs.
		-- Larry Lee
%
I don't want people to love me.  It makes for obligations.
		-- Jean Anouilh
%
I love you more than anything in this world.  I don't expect that will last.
		-- Elvis Costello
%
I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.
		-- Roy Croft
%
I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might commit
some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it irresistible.
		-- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
%
I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
		-- Mae West
%
I think a relationship is like a shark.  It has to constantly move forward
or it dies.  Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
		-- Woody Allen
%
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
		-- Mae West
%
I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
foolishness.  I no longer thought that.  There's nothing foolish in
loving anyone.  Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
		-- Rita Mae Brown
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
to undo it."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.'"
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
Julian to Gregorian."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static
cling."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
cottage cheese sculpture."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say tuned."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that
need worrying about."
%
I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
		-- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
%
	"I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided.  "The pin I'm wearing
means I'm a member of the IA.  That's Inamorati Anonymous.  An inamorato is
somebody in love.  That's the worst addiction of all."
	"Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
them, or something?"
	"Right.  The whole idea is to get where you don't need it.  I was
lucky.  I kicked it young.  But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
	"You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
	"No, of course not.  You get a phone number, an answering service
you can call.  Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
it gets so bad you can't handle it alone.  We're isolates, Arnold.  Meetings
would destroy the whole point of it."
		-- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
%
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
		-- Lily Tomlin
%
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
		-- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
%
If only you knew she loved you, you could face the uncertainty of
whether you love her.
%
If you can't be good, be careful.  If you can't be careful, give me a call.
%
If you love someone, set them free.
If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
%
In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
other really likes.
		-- Elizabeth Ashley
%
In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
beloved.
		-- Russell Baker
%
In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
		-- Bruton
%
In real love you want the other person's good.  In romantic love you
want the other person.
		-- Margaret Anderson
%
It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
%
Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
about his or her love affairs.
		-- Rebecca West
%
Let us live!!!
Let us love!!!
Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!

You first.
%
Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
%
Let's not complicate our relationship by trying to communicate with each other.
%
Lonely is a man without love.
		-- Englebert Humperdinck
%
Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
%
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
%
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
world has ever seen.
%
Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
		-- Sigmund Freud
%
Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
%
Love is a grave mental disease.
		-- Plato
%
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
over, pinning you underneath.  At night the ice weasels come.
		-- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
%
Love is always open arms.  With arms open you allow love to come and
go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway.  If you close your
arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
%
Love is being stupid together.
		-- Paul Valery
%
Love is dope, not chicken soup.  I mean, love is something to be passed
around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
%
Love is in the offing.
		-- The Homicidal Maniac
%
Love is like a friendship caught on fire.  In the beginning a flame, very
pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering.  As love
grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
and unquenchable.
		-- Bruce Lee
%
Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
		-- Jerome K. Jerome
%
Love is never asking why?
%
Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
%
Love is sentimental measles.
%
Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
%
Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
		-- M. Hirschfield
%
Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
		-- Saint Exupery
%
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
%
Love is what you've been through with somebody.
		-- James Thurber
%
Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
%
Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
%
Love means never having to say you're sorry.
		-- Eric Segal, "Love Story"

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
		-- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
%
Love tells us many things that are not so.
		-- Krainian Proverb
%
May your SO always know when you need a hug.
%
"Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
had to seek professional help."
%
Most people don't need a great deal of love nearly so much as they need
a steady supply.
%
My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
%
Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
		-- Clare Booth Luce
%
	"No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
simple, really.  "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now.  You just can't
hold people, you can't own them.  I mean it's only natural, a natural process
really.  Meet.  Love.  Part.  Life goes on.  There was never any reason to
expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know."  There were
those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated.  "I don't hold a grudge.  I
can't."
	"You do," Grandfather Trout said.  "And you don't understand."
		-- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
%
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
%
Of course it's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well.
		-- Charles Bukowski
%
Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
arch-enemy -- and that is life.
		-- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
%
On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on a surtout peur de souffrir
ou de faire souffrir.
	[One is always a little afraid of love, but above all, one is
	 afraid of pain or causing pain.]
%
Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings
infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can
grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it
possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
		-- Rainer Rilke
%
One expresses well the love he does not feel.
		-- J.A. Karr
%
People think love is an emotion.  Love is good sense.
		-- Ken Kesey
%
Really??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
%
Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
		-- N.V. Plyter
%
Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
%
Sorry never means having your say to love.
%
Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
who can't communicate with their parents, and so on.  And the characters in
these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate.  I feel that if a person can't
communicate, the very _____least he can do is to shut up!
		-- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
%
Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
%
That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
in the same way as us.
		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%
That's life for you, said McDunn.  Someone always waiting for someone who
never comes home.  Always someone loving something more than that thing loves
them.  And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that thing is, so it
can't hurt you no more.
		-- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
%
	The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
	It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance.  Miss Manners
has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
foot or two under the dinner table.  Miss Manners also believes that the
sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
people shaking umbrellas at one another.  What Miss Manners objects to
is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
%
The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled today.
%
The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
		-- Blaise Pascal
%
The heart is wiser than the intellect.
%
The little pieces of my life I give to you, with love, to make a quilt
to keep away the cold.
%
The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
perfect partner, you're home free.  Unfortunately, falling out of love
seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
%
The only difference in the game of love over the last few thousand years
is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
		-- The Indianapolis Star
%
The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt in the uneasiness
experienced at being alone together.
		-- Jean de la Bruyere
%
The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
		-- Charles Pierce
%
The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
%
The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
and sixth years.
%
The story of the butterfly:
	"I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend.  I was in love,
a long time ago.  I waited three days.  I was hungry but could not go
out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her.  Then, on
the third day, I heard a knock."
	"I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
there was nothing."
	"Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
		-- Peter Carey, BLISS
%
The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
Scratch a lover and find a foe!
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
%
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
%
There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants
and animals.  When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when
the lights go out, they turn into animals.  But then again, don't we all?
%
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
%
There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
		-- Paul Bourget
%
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
%
Timing must be perfect now.  Two-timing must be better than perfect.
%
To be loved is very demoralizing.
		-- Katharine Hepburn
%
To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three
parts dead.
		-- Bertrand Russell
%
Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
%
True happiness will be found only in true love.
%
Under deadline pressure for the next week.  If you want something, it can wait.
Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
%
We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
		-- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
%
What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires an accomplice.
		-- Charles Baudelaire
%
When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
		-- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
%
Why I Can't Go Out With You:

I'd LOVE to, but ...
	-- I have to floss my cat.
	-- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
	-- I need to spend more time with my blender.
	-- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
	-- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
	-- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
	-- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
	-- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
	-- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
	-- I have some really hard words to look up.
	-- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
	-- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
%
Why I Can't Go Out With You:

I'd LOVE to, but...
	-- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
	-- None of my socks match.
	-- I'm having all my plants neutered.
	-- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
	-- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
	-- I'm touring China with a wok band.
	-- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
	-- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
		named Basil Metabolism.
	-- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
	-- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
	-- I prefer to remain an enigma.
	-- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
	-- I feel a song coming on.
%
Why I Can't Go Out With You:

I'd LOVE to, but...
	-- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
	-- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
	-- I'm trying to be less popular.
	-- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
	-- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
	-- My subconscious says no.
	-- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
		can't seem to put it down.
	-- My favorite commercial is on TV.
	-- I have to study for my blood test.
	-- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
	-- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
	-- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
%
Why I Can't Go Out With You:

I'd LOVE to, but...
	-- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
	-- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
	-- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
	-- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
	-- I have to fulfill my potential.
	-- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
	-- It's too close to the turn of the century.
	-- I have to bleach my hare.
	-- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
	-- I left my body in my other clothes.
%
Why I Can't Go Out With You:

I'd LOVE to, but...
	-- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
	-- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
	-- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
	-- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
	-- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
	-- I'm building a plant from a kit.
	-- There's a disturbance in the Force.
	-- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
	-- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
	-- My crayons all melted together.
%
"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
you knowing nothing?"
		-- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
%
Without love intelligence is dangerous;
without intelligence love is not enough.
		-- Ashley Montagu
%
Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were a turn-on?
		-- "Broadcast News"
%
Yeah, there are more important things in life than money, but they won't go
out with you if you don't have any.
%
You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
		-- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
%
A Thaum is the basic unit of magical strength.  It has been universally
established as the amount of magic needed to create one small white pigeon
or three normal sized billiard balls.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
let alone discuss with prospective clients.  Still, the fact remains that 
there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, 
completely immune to any direct magical spell.  It is for this group of
beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
near your person at all times."
		-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
%
An ancient proverb summed it up: when a wizard is tired of looking for
broken glass in his dinner, it ran, he is tired of life.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
%
Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they become soggy and hard to
light.

Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal, for they are subtle and
quick to anger.
%
"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
with ketchup."
%
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
		-- Aleister Crowley
%
Eight was also the Number of Bel-Shamharoth, which was why a sensible wizard
would never mention the number if he could avoid it.  Or you'll be eight
alive, apprentices were jocularly warned.  Bel-Shamharoth was especially
attracted to dabblers in magic who, by being as it were beachcombers on the
shores of the unnatural, were already half-enmeshed in his nets.
Rincewind's room number in his hall of residence had been 7a.  He hadn't
been surprised.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Sending of Eight"
%
"How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded.  "And why were you afraid
to let her touch you?  I saw you.  You were afraid of her."
	"I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
replied without rancor.  "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were 
you.  As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
deceived by appearances.  Unlike human beings, who enjoy them.  As for your
second question --"  Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
licked himself smooth again.  Even then he would not look at Molly, but 
examined his claws.
	"If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
hers and not my own, not ever again."
		-- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
%
It is a well known fact that warriors and wizards do not get along, because
one side considers the other side to be a collection of bloodthirsty idiots
who can't walk and think at the same time, while the other side is naturally
suspicious of a body of men who mumble a lot and wear long dresses.  Oh, say
the wizards, if we're going to be like that, then, what about all those
studded collars and oiled muscles down at the Young Men's Pagan Association?
To which the heroes reply, that's a pretty good allegation from a bunch of
wimpsoes who won't go near a woman on account, can you believe it, of their
mystical power being sort of drained out.  Right, say the wizards, that just
about does it, you and your leather posing pouches.  Oh yeah, say the the
heroes, why don't you ...
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
It is well known that *things* from undesirable universes are always seeking
an entrance into this one, which is the psychic equivalent of handy for the
buses and closer to the shops.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
	It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
for a few years.  He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
change over fairly often, and he's got a good life.   The only problem is the
ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
after year.  Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
starts giving it away for the audience.  For example, when the magician makes
a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back!  Behind
his back!"  Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
passengers.
	One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
a trace.  Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
parrot.  For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
the magician's end of the log.  With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
"OK, you win, I give up.  Where did you hide the ship?"
%
Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
		-- Aleister Crowley
%
Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
%
No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously
cramp his style.
%
Rincewind had generally been considered by his tutors to be a natural wizard
in the same way that fish are natural mountaineers.  He probably would have
been thrown out of Unseen University anyway--he couldn't remember spells and
smoking made him feel ill.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
%
The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
%
"The first rule of magic is simple.  Don't waste your time waving your
hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do."
		-- McCloctnik the Lucid
%
	The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.  The Gray
Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
of Gilpkerio Kistomerces.  Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
him are dead, he is alive.
	"Now about Lankhmar.  She's been invaded, her walls breached
everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
equipped with all modern weapons.  Yet you can save the city."
	"How?" demanded Fafhrd.
	Ningauble shrugged.  "You're a hero.  You should know."
		-- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
%
	"Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly.  "What use is
wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?"  He gripped the magician's shoulder
hard, to keep from falling.
	Schmendrick did not turn his head.  With a touch of sad mockery in
his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
...
	"Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said.  "That is exactly what heroes
are for.  Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
		-- Peter Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
%
There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
wonder.  There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence.
		-- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
%
Unseen University had never admitted women, muttering something about
problems with the plumbing, but the real reason was an unspoken dread that
if women were allowed to mess around with magic they would probably be
embarrassingly good at it ...
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
		-- Tom Robbins
%
	"Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly.  "In the past year
strange and fearful wonders I have seen.  Fields sown with barley reap
crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon.  Calendars are made with
a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
salesmen.  The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
square knots.  The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
soggy potato chips."
	"But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
	"Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made good
copy."
		-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
%
Watch Rincewind.

Look at him.  Scrawny, like most wizards, and clad in a dark red robe on
which a few mystic sigils were embroidered in tarnished sequins. Some might
have taken him for a mere apprentice enchanter who had run away from his
master out of defiance, boredom, fear and a lingering taste for
heterosexuality.  Yet around his neck was a chain bearing the bronze octagon
that marked him as an alumnus of Unseen University, the high school of magic
whose time-and-space transcendent campus is never precisely Here or There.
Graduates were usually destined for mageship at least, but Rincewind--after
an unfortunate event--had left knowing only one spell and made a living of
sorts around the town by capitalizing on an innate gift for languages.  He
avoided work as a rule, but had a quickness of wit that put his
acquaintances in mind of a bright rodent.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
%
What is a magician but a practising theorist?
		-- Obi-Wan Kenobi
%
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
		-- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
%
When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
to be seen again.
		-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
%
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:

1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
	Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
	valuable scientific objectivity.

2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
	Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
	gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
	Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
%
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:

4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
	You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
	the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
	disability you may have experienced.

5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
	It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
	explained in terms that you would understand.

6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMANTAL TREATMENT READILY.
	Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
	research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
%
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:

7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
	You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
	to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
	It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
   OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
	The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
	sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
	This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
%
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office.  "Was it true," the woman
inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
of her life?"
	She was told that it was.  There was just a moment of silence before
the woman proceeded bravely on.  "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
condition is.  This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
%
A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests.  "I have
some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news."  The bad news is
that you only have six weeks to live."
	"Oh, no," says the patient.  "What could possibly be worse than that?"
	"Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
last Monday."
%
A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
		-- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
%
A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth.  Afterwards, the doctor
came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
	"Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
	"Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how.  Your son
(we assume) was born with no body.  He only has a head."
	Well, the doctor was correct.  The Head was alive and well, though no
one knew how.  The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
the circumstances.
	One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
phone call from another doctor.  The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
an operation.  Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
his head!"
	The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
up.  She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
surprise for you!"
	"Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
%
After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, 
claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
in a wheelchair.  Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable  of walking, the
judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
	When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
Miller was confronted by several executives.  "You're not getting away with
this, Miller," one said.  "We're going to watch you day and night.  If you
take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
perjury.  Here's the money.  What do you intend to do with it?"
	"My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied.  "We'll go to
Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
%
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that
brought tears to my eyes.  He said, "No hablo ingles."
		-- Ronnie Shakes
%
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
		-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
cold.  You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
cap you can find.  You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap.  I've
never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
		-- Peter Nelson
%
	As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
for more than 15 percent of their life span.  The words "I am sorry" and "I
am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary.  They will stab
you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
"Sure, I put your dog in the microwave.  But I feel *better* for doing it."
		-- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
%
At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
to the patients.  The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
die in six months.  Go in and tell him."  The intern boldly walks into the
room, over to the man's bedisde and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot.  The doctor
grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject.  Now this man in
213 has about a week to live.  Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
gently!"
	The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!"  "Wonderful day, no?  Say...
guess who's going to die soon!"
%
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.
%
Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
%
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They
then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
others who have tried it.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Cure the disease and kill the patient.
		-- Francis Bacon
%
Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
%
Dental health is next to mental health.
%
Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
Simple coincidence?
Maybe...
%
For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire life
to date.  He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days now.  He has
the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets when he suddenly
realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch in the coat closet
and neither parent [because of the flu] would have the strength to object.
He has been foraging for his own food, which means his diet consists
entirely of "food" substances which are advertised only on Saturday-morning
cartoon shows; substances that are the color of jukebox lights and that, for
legal reasons, have their names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy
Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot ("part of this complete breakfast").
		-- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
%
Fortune's Exercising Truths:

1:  Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic.  You don't.
2.  Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart.  So do heart attacks.
3.  Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
4.  Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
5.  No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
    quietly at your desk at work.  People will suspect manic tendencies as
    you twitter around in your chair.
6.  Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys mosts is tripping joggers.
7.  Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
    for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
    racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
8.  Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
    followed by one throw-up.
9.  Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
%
[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
Association, in Rome]:

The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria and
of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not spring
from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, or of means
of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in millions of
individuals in system functions which, once they have reached the event
maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology engaging a suitable
stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, president, political
party, etc.) to consummate the act of social schizophrenia in mass genocide.
%
God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
		-- Ralph Moonen
%
"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
%
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
		-- Ingrid Bergman
%
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
%
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
		-- Redd Foxx
%
His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
		-- P.G. Wodehouse
%
Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into
a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
x-ray film.  In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
%
I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
		-- Chauncey Depew
%
I got the bill for my surgery.  Now I know what those doctors were
wearing masks for.
		-- James Boren
%
	"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
	"Did you ever see a doctor?"
	"No, just spots."
%
If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
		-- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
%
	If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction.
	On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
that is also a psychological interaction.
	The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
so friendly.
	The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
		-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
%
If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
%
It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
It produces a false impression.
		-- Oscar Wilde.
%
It's no longer a question of staying healthy.  It's a question of finding
a sickness you like.
		-- Jackie Mason
%
It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
what you're taking for it...
%
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.
%
Laetrile is the pits.
%
My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
%
Neurotics build castles in the sky,
Psychotics live in them,
And psychiatrists collect the rent.
%
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
		-- Erma Bombeck
%
New England Life, of course.  Why do you ask?
%
	page 46
...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative.  "The group
on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
on placebo."
	page 56
The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
Illness is always an interaction between both.  It can begin in the mind and
affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
which are served by the same bloodstream.  Attempts to treat most mental
diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
body functions.
		-- Norman Cousins,
		"Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
%
Paralysis through analysis.
%
Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days, but left to itself,
a cold will hang on for a week.
		-- Darrell Huff
%
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
shortcomings.
		-- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
%
Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself a therapy.
		-- Karl Kraus

Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
		-- C.G. Jung
%
Psychology.  Mind over matter.  Mind under matter?  It doesn't matter.
Never mind.
%
Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
%
Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
%
Quit worrying about your health.  It'll go away.
		-- Robert Orben
%
Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
%
Some people need a good imaginary cure for their painful imaginary ailment.
%
Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
%
Straw?  No, too stupid a fad.  I put soot on warts.
%
Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness.  To avoid overload
and burnout, keep stress out of your life.  Give it to others instead.  Learn
the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
"Do you feel okay?  You look pale." approach.  Start with negotiation and
implication.  Advance to manipulation and humiliation.  Above all, relax
and have a nice day.
%
The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
%
"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."
		-- Dave Barry
%
"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
themselves," the old man said, no longer to me.  "But what will become 
of the bicuspids?"
		-- The Old Man and his Bridge
%
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree
that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
%
The real reason psychology is hard is that psychologists are trying to
do the impossible.
%
The reason they're called wisdom teeth is that the experience makes you wise.
%
The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
%
The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is often hard to
deal with: death.
		-- Michael Phelps
%
The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
	In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow.  To investigate its internal
gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
expression and struck a match.  The jet of flame set fire first to some
bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000. 
The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
the magistrates.  The cow escaped with shock.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
We have the flu.  I don't know if this particular strain has an official
name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu".  You
may have had it yourself.  The main symptom is that you wish you had another
setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION".
	Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a)
your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength.  Midway through the brushing
process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple
of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your
mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that
would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the
police would find you.
	You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
		-- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
%
	"Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn.  Evelyn, will
you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
psycho-prompter couch?"
	"Thank you, Red."
	"Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
	"Yes, Red."
	"But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times.  Now,
at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900.  Now, any combination of
two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
projections will put you out of the game.  Are you willing to go ahead?"
	"Yes, Red."
	"I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
been checked for accuracy with her analyst.  Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
explain the failure of your three marriages."
	"Well, I--"
	"We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute.  First a word about our
product."
		-- Jules Feiffer
%
When a lot of remedies are suggested for a disease, that means it can't
be cured.
		-- Anton Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
%
Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter.  We Americans live in a nation where the
medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
seconds if we felt like it.
		-- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
%
94% of the women in America are beautiful and the rest hang out around here.
%
A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
%
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
of a divorce.
		-- Don Quinn
%
A bachelor is an unaltared male.
%
A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
and a boy for ever.
		-- Helen Rowland
%
A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
%
A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
purgatory for the purse. 
%
A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
		-- Kipling
%
A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
		-- Emerson
%
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
of turning around three times before lying down.
		-- Robert Benchley
%
A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
		-- John Steinbeck
%
A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
a very charming woman staring admiringly at him.  He walked over and spoke 
with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
in as Mr. and Mrs.
	After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front 
desk and told the clerk he was checking out.  In a few minutes, he was handed
a bill for $2500.
	"There must be some mistake," the salesman said.  "I've been here for
only three days."
	"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.  "But your wife has been here a month
and a half."
%
A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
as your goal.  There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
dishonourable behaviour.  Unless she's really attractive.
		-- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
%
A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
		-- Robert Frost
%
A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
your birthday when you never look any older?"
%
	A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl.  He came back from
his honeymoon a chastened man.  He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
%
A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
%
A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
waiting for a taxi.
	"Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel.  "I'm going west."
	"How wonderful," came the cool reply.  "Bring me back an orange."
%
A fool and his honey are soon parted.
%
A fox is a wolf who sends flowers.
		-- Ruth Weston
%
A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
		-- Evan Esar
		[ And why not?  For why does she have his hat on?  Ed.]
%
A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
		-- Fred Allen
%
A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*.
		-- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
%
A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
		-- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
%
A girl's best friend is her mutter.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
%
A good man always knows his limitations.
		-- Harry Callahan
%
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
		-- Michel de Montaigne
%
A guy has to get fresh once in a while so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
%
A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
%
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
		-- Helen Rowland
%
A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
		-- Lillian Day
%
A man always needs to remember one thing about a beautiful woman.

Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
%
A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after
that begins to bunch them.
		-- Mencken
%
A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
who swore how much they were in love.  To quiet the enraged husband, the
lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy.  If I win,
you get a divorce so I can marry her.  If you win, I promise never to see
her again.  Okay?"

"Alright," agreed the husband.  "But how about a quarter a point
on the side to make it interesting?"
%
A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married.  After
that it's cheating.
		-- Yves Montand
%
A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
		-- Du Bois
%
A man in love is incomplete until he is married.  Then he is finished.
		-- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
%
A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
		-- Brendan Francis
%
A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
		-- Richard Thompson
%
A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
		-- Samuel Johnson
%
A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
%
A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
terrible problem, Doctor.  I have a son at Harvard and another son at
Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
got a thriving ranch in Venezuela.  My wife is a gorgeous young actress
who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
	The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused.  "Did I miss
something?  It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
	"But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
%
A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time.  After he'd given her
some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later.  Before
he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill.  If that happened, he told
her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
her aid.  
	Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
by the agreed upon signal.  Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
	"He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
	"She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied.  "I
just want to get my saddle back!"
%
A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
he is able to answer.
		-- Ronald Colman
%
A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
late card games.
	"You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
he said.  "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
into the garage.  Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
tiptoe to our room.  But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
wakes up and gives me hell."
	"I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
	"You do?"
	"Sure.  I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss.  `Hi, Alice,' I say.
`How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
	"And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
	"She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied.  "She always pretends
she's asleep."
%
A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
	"Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
why did you Di......eeee"
The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
	"Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
carrying on at this grave.  You must have been very close to the deceased."
	"No, I never met him.  Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
why....eeeee did you.."
	"Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
Tell, me who is buried here?"
	"My wife's first husband."
%
A man was talking to his best friend about his married life.  "You know," he
says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
me, but there's *always* that doubt.  There's *always* that little doubt."
	"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
	"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone?  I trust
her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
	The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
	"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend.  "The evening
after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house.  A man
got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him.  Then, he
took off his shirt and she took off her blouse.  And then the light went
out."
	"*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
	"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
	"Damn!" roared the husband.  "You see what I mean?  There's *always*
that doubt!"
%
A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
%
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
%
A man's gotta know his limitations.
		-- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
%
A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, is the most tremendous object
in the whole creation.
		-- Goldsmith
%
A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman
makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
		-- Frost
%
A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
		-- Gloria Steinem
%
A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
%
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
your wife asks you for nothing.
		-- Joey Adams
%
	A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these
stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"  "It isn't the stops and starts
that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
%
A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
		-- Overheard in an algebra lecture.
%
A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
demanded, "Was she not chaste?  Was she not fair?  Was she not fruitful?"
holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
		-- Plutarch
%
	A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
eyeing him and giggling.  One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty!  What's worn
under the kilt?"
	He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
SURE you want to know?"  Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
really want to know.
	The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
%
A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
aggression.  Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
men.  More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
submission.  To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
		-- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
%
A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the
consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress.  The
sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable
for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly
and lustful pursuits.
	The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being,
then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
	The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
a married man is entitled to a mistress.  However, I do not see why the
affair should be concealed from the wife.  On the contrary, if the affair
is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he
is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with
his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
%
A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
*for the rest of your life*.
		-- Jim Samuels
%
A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
were quite a struggle.
		-- Edna Ferber
%
A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
%
A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
		-- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
%
A woman forgives the audacity of which her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
		-- LeSage
%
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
thankful for a good one.
		-- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
%
A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, she follows.
		-- Chamfort
%
A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,
it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
		-- Nietzsche
%
A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
		-- Stendhal
%
A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
		-- Maurine Lewis
%
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
		-- Gloria Steinem
%
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
%
A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
		-- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
%
A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
%
A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything,
should conceal it as well as she can.
		-- Jane Austen
%
	A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
little pebble on the beach.  The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
%
A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window.  "Wow, I'd sure love to
have that!" she gushed.
	"No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
window and grabbing the ring.
	A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat.  "What
I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
	"No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
the coat.
	Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership.  "Boy, I'd do
anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
	"Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
%
A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces.  He turns to a gorgeous
woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and
says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace.  If you'll
allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
	The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
	"Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
	"No, really.  You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
I could never spend it all.  I'd really like for you to have it."
	The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
calls over a clerk and hands it to him.  The clerk peers at the check, looks
at the young man, looks at the check again.  "Very good, sir.  I'm afraid I
can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
	"That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
	The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
	"I know," the man replies.  "I just wanted to thank you for a
terrific weekend."
%
AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
You brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!
%
Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but bring me a message from a young man.
		-- Moms Mabley
%
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them
continues to pay for it.
		-- Peggy Joyce
%
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
		-- Arthur Baer
%
Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
		-- Norman Mailer
%
All heiresses are beautiful.
		-- John Dryden
%
All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
them apart.
%
All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
a cat, no maybe a dog.  Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
Definitely a dog.
%
All the men on my staff can type.
		-- Bella Abzug
%
All work and no pay makes a housewife.
%
American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise
is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it.  Consequently,
any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations
in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners.  She is not required to know how
to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her
husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him
help, she's bound to cause trouble.  Therefore, you'd think that colleges
which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young
men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this
continent would teach the girls to read maps.  None do. They teach a hundred
other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the
greatest friction.
		-- James Michener, "Space"
%
	An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
time.  One was named Edith; the other named Kate.  They met, discovered they
had the same fiancee, and told him.  "Get out of our lives you rascal.  We'll
teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
%
An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
A pessimist is a married optimist.
%
"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came
upon his wife in bed with another man.  The wife turned and smiled at her
companion.

"See?" she said.  "I told you he was stupid!"
%
And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
		-- Charles Dickens
%
Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out
photographs of their families every year.  In the same mail that brought the
greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece.
"My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed.  I don't know why women want to
record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought
upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but
between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are
family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little
signs of dissolution or derangement.  Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid,
than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control
of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously
drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear.
Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking
"young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a
couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle
a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply.  "Good Lord!" the wife will say.
"Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?"  "Not to me," the
husband may reply.  "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is
being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir
singer."
		-- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas"
%
Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
		-- Hedy Lamarr
%
Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
%
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
	"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
posh hotel.
	"No.  No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
	"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
	"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman.  "Would you bring me a
postcard?"
%
As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless; and
considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to be childless.

The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless,
a separation.
		-- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763
%
Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
right cheek.  She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball.  She told the
writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
newspaper.  I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed.  *Especially* to
bed.  Guys were after me like you can't believe.  That's when I started
chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
as bad as this.  This is the worst chew in the world.  After this,
everything else is peaches and cream."  The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
two years?  God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
		-- Garrison Keillor
%
At last I've found the girl of my dreams.  Last night she said to me,
"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
		-- Strange de Jim
%
Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect.
		-- Nicolas Chamfort
%
Basically my wife was immature.  I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
come in and sink my boats.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Be circumspect in your liaisons with women.  It is better to be seen at
the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
		-- De Maintenon
%
Be prepared to accept sacrifices.  Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
%
Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
%
Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
%
Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
they are "Let's eat out."
%
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
%
Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party.  And yet another guest went over
and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
	"Not too well," said the expectant mother.  "You know, I've missed
seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
%
Being owned by someone used to be called slavery -- now it's called commitment.
%
Benny Hill:	Would you like a peanut?
Girl:		No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation.
Benny Hill:	You won't be under obligation for a peanut.  
		It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something.
%
Bigamy is having one spouse too many.  Monogamy is the same.
%
Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
nightgowns do with keeping warm.
		-- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
%
Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
		-- James Thurber
%
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
		-- Kin Hubbard
%
Brigands will demand your money or your life, but a woman will demand both.
		-- Samuel Butler
%
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
		-- Socrates
%
Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
		-- Kathleen Norris
%
Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as a friend if she
were a man.
		-- Joubert
%
Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
		-- William Congreve
%
Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
		-- Oliver Herford
%
Dear Miss Manners:
I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
rain.  May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
soaked.  I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
and I don't even know her name.  Could I have asked her to get under my
umbrella without seeming insulting?

Gentle Reader:
Certainly.  Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
attractive she is.  In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
before making your attack.
%
Dear Miss Manners:
Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face.

Gentle Reader:
Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face. If
the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic
discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief, and
go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth along
your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route.  If, however,
the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more intimate
nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your pink tongue.
%
Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first
step.  The second is justification of herself by accusation of you.
		-- DeGourmont
%
Do you think your mother and I should have lived comfortably so long
together if ever we had been married?
%
Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
have got him.
%
Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.  Probably soon after she throws me out.
%
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
		-- Scottish Proverb
%
Dull women have immaculate homes.
%
	During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served.  Returning for a second
helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
	"Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
white meat or dark meat."  Churchill apologized profusely.
	The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
her guest of honor.  The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
you would pin this on your white meat."
%
Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least
principle draw the most interest.
%
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in Europe.
		-- Jackie Mason
%
... eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
original joy his falling in love with Ada.
		-- Nabokov
%
	Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a
male schlemiel.
		-- Ewald Nyquist
%
	Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
charming a wife."
%
"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
just a bit unchivalrous ..."
		-- Robert Benchley
%
Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done it all himself,
and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
		-- Barrie
%
Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
%
Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
stressful than divorce.
		-- Wall Street Journal
%
Feminists just want the human race to be a tie.
%
First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
		-- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
%
Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
		-- Helen Rowland
%
For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all.
		-- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry

When should a man marry?  A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all.
		-- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life"
%
For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all.
		-- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry

When should a man marry?  A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all.
		-- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life"
%
For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
but with break of day I went to make supplication.
		-- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
%
For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
him to do so.  "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
spend my evenings?"
		-- Chamfort
%
Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#14

Low Blows:
	Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV.  One
of the boxers is felled by a low blow.  The woman says "Oh, gee.  That must
hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.

Dressing Up:
	A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.   A man will dress up
for: weddings, funerals.  Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".  Men laugh about "the bachelor
party".

David Letterman:
	Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
Earth.  Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#16

Relationships:
	First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
basis".
	When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots".  Then
she will get on with her life.
	A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the
breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to know that there's
always a chance for us".  This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once.  There are
community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
these classes rarely prove effective.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#17

Shoes:
	 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
boots, and slippers.  The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
of her closet.  Most of them hurt her feet.
 
Making friends:
	 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
	A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
together, and say nothing.  After years of interacting with this other man,
sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
jerk, I guess you're OK."
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#2

Desserts:
	A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge.  A man will start by
grabbing the cherry in the center.

Car repair:
	The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
manuals for every car made since World War II.  He will work on a problem
himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
fixed without special tools".
	The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
accurate description of an automotive problem.  She will, however, have the
car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
the average man.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#4

Clothes:
	Men don't discard clothes.  The average man still has the gym shirt
he wore in high school.  He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
the time it develops holes in the elbows.  A man will let new shirts sit on
the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
	Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#5

Trust:
	The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
around behind her back.  This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair.  She'll tell all her
OTHER friends, however.  The average man won't say anything if he knows that
one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
of his friends.  He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.

Driving:
	A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
the wheel of his car.  The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
Right Stuff on the morning commute.  Does he or doesn't he?  Only his body
shop knows for sure.  Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
price their policies accordingly.
	A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
her makeup.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#6

Bathrooms:
	A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:
	A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
and buys these things.  A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He buys
everything that looks good.  By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#8

Going Out:
	When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
out.  When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...

Cats:
	Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:
	Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  Men are vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#9

Laundry:
	Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
years ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is finally out of clothes,
he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
the laundromat.  This is a myth.

Nicknames:
	If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.  But if
Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.

Socks:
	Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
%
	Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
"What happened?"
	"I was struck by the beauty of the place."
%
	Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their 
engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who 
was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy 
and sarcastic?"
	"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
	"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
%
				FROM THE DESK OF
				Rapunzel

Dear Prince:

	Use ladder tonight -- you're splitting my ends.
%
Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
old girl friend.
%
			-- Gifts for Men --

Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice
hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy.  But you should
never buy them clothes.  Men believe they already have all the clothes they
will ever need, and new ones make them nervous.  For example, your average
man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them.  He has learned,
through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81
ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT
tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe
ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at.  If you give him
a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.

If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires.  More than
once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
Girls are better looking in snowstorms.
		-- Archie Goodwin
%
Girls marry for love.  Boys marry because of a chronic irritation that
causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with certain curvilinear
properties.
		-- Ashley Montagu
%
Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for yourself!
%
Girls who throw themselves at men, are actually taking very careful aim.
%
Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
%
God created a few perfect heads.  The rest he covered with hair.
%
God created woman.  And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
but many other things ceased as well.  Woman was God's second mistake.
		-- Nietzsche
%
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
%
Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the
22-year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her.  The
determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement
program.  He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day,
lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet.  Within months, the
rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him.
	On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck
by lightning.  Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates.  "How
could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?"
	"To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't
recognize you."
%
Hat check girl:
	"Goodness!  What lovely diamonds!"
Mae West:
	"Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
		-- "Night After Night", 1932
%
Having a baby isn't so bad.  If you're a female Emperor penguin in the
Antarctic.  She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father, then takes off
for warmer weather where she eats and eats and eats.  For two months, the
father stands stiff, without food, blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing
the egg on his feet.  After the little penguin is hatched, the mother
sees fit to come home.
		-- L.M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
%
He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
%
He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
		-- Balzac
%
He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
senses until the day of judgement.
		-- Saadi
%
Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat.  You said you were
gonna call and it's been two weeks.  What's wrong, you lose my number?
%
High heels are a device invented by a woman who was tired of being kissed
on the forehead.
%
Him:	"Your skin is so soft.  Are you a model?"
Her:	"No,"  [blush]  "I'm a cosmetologist."
Him:	"Really? That's incredible... It must be very tough to handle
	weightlessness."
		-- "The Jerk"
%
His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
		-- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
%
"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
		-- Samuel Butler
%
Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much as the mediocre
verses of the young man she is in love with.
		-- Moore
%
How much for your women?  I want to buy your daughter... how much for
the little girl?
		-- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
%
	"How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
social climber said to her roommate.  "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
full of money before."
%
I am very fond of the company of ladies.  I like their beauty,
I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
		-- Samuel Johnson
%
I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
perfect woman.  I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
I would find her and then I would be secure for life.  Well, the years
and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
a lot less than my idea of perfection.  But one day, after many years
together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness.  My
wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees.  The only sounds to
be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window.  And
as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection...  It comes only
with time.
		-- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
%
I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he
has income and she is pattable.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute
dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing
and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day.
		-- Betty MacDonald
%
I can't mate in captivity.
		-- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married.
%
I come from a small town whose population never changed.  Each time a woman
got pregnant, someone left town.
		-- Michael Prichard
%
I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
%
"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of
people waiting to abuse me."
		-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
%
I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER.  And maybe I don't want to.  Her spirit
was wild, like a wild monkey.  Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
being ridden by a wild monkey.  I forget her other qualities.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
		-- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters.
%
I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
support of the woman I love.
		-- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication
		   of the British throne in order to marry the American
		   divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
%
I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
be blockhead enough to have me.
		-- Abraham Lincoln
%
I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
%
I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
didn't is just lyin'!
		-- Willie Nelson
%
I like being single.  I'm always there when I need me.
		-- Art Leo
%
I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull that kidnapped
Europa.
		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
%
I like young girls.  Their stories are shorter.
		-- Tom McGuane
%
I love being married.  It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
		-- Rita Rudner
%
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
		-- Walt Disney
%
	I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more.  I knew that he disliked
me to cry.
	This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
to weep."
	I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
back; I would be nice."
	Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
	"Oh, not enough."
	"Nobody can give anybody enough."
	"Not ever?"
	"No, not ever.  But one must go on trying."
	"And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
	"Rarely," said Francis.  I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
		-- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
%
I married beneath me.  All women do.
		-- Lady Nancy Astor
%
I met a wonderful new man.  He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
		-- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
%
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
places they do today.
		-- Will Rogers
%
I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
%
I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.  To see
the sights I'm never going to visit.
%
I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery.  I insist on
believing that some men are my equals.
		-- Brigid Brophy
%
I respect the institution of marriage.  I have always thought that every
woman should marry -- and no man.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
%
I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... and then
natural selection reared its ugly head.
%
I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so desperately
anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
		-- Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
%
I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
		-- Chick
%
I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!"
		-- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
%
I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
		-- Freud
%
I was in a beauty contest one.  I not only came in last, I was hit in
the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
		-- Phyllis Diller
%
I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
		-- Chico Marx
%
I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
one every day.
		-- Heine
%
I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women, only they won't let me
raise my voice.
		-- Winkle
%
I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
%
I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
		-- Brenda Starr
%
I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
		-- W.C. Fields
%
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
%
I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to match the men.
		-- George Eliot
%
I'm very old-fashioned.  I believe that people should marry for life,
like pigeons and Catholics.
		-- Woody Allen
%
I've been in more laps than a napkin.
		-- Mae West
%
I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men.  They're not
like other men.  Their spirit is great and stimulating.  They hate strife;
indeed they reject it.  Their inventive gifts are boundless.  They demand
devotion and obedience.  And a sense of humor.  I happily gave all of this.
I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
		-- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
%
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
		-- Tallulah Bankhead
%
If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
%
If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
		-- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
%
If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
		-- Frances Rodman
%
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra.  But it is only
fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966,
only two went back to women.
		-- Mort Sahl
%
If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
Twice, it's much too much.  Three times, it's the story of your life.
%
If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
can't afford divorce.
		-- Jack Nicholson
%
If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time of it.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
		-- Gloria Steinham
%
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
		-- Aristotle Onassis
%
If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
		-- Anton Chekhov
%
If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
		-- Abigail Van Buren
%
If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
%
If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who
cheats on his wife.
		-- Ann Landers
%
If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
%
If you want me to be a good little bunny just dangle some carats in front
of my nose.
		-- Lauren Bacall
%
If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
		-- Michelet
%
If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
books.
		-- Alan King
%
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
%
If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
		-- Anton Chekhov
%
In buying horses and taking a wife shut your eyes tight and commend
yourself to God.
%
In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.  This is called Monotony.
%
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
%
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- a practice which is
still continued.
		-- Helen Rowland
%
In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man 
noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
the revelers.  Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
jaded group.  Why don't I take you home?""
	"Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely.  "Where do you live?"
%
Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
		-- Wilson Mizner
%
Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
%
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
out, and such as are out wish to get in?
		-- Ralph Emerson
%
Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
would make them better prospects?
%
It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
		-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
%
It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
carried me.
		-- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
%
It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
next morning it was someone else.
		-- Will Rogers
%
It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
		-- H. Warner Munn
%
	It is always preferable to visit home with a friend.  Your parents will
not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
human beings.
	The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the 
duration of the visit but forever.  The worst kind of girl to take home is one
of a different religion:  Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
	Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
to take her home for the holidays.  You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
response to anyone of a different religion.  How to prepare them for the shock?
	Simple.  Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
different race and the same sex.  Tell them you have already invited this
person to meet them.  Give the information a moment to sink in and then 
remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
religion.  They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
		-- Playboy, January, 1983
%
It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take.  This
is untrue.  Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
enough.
		-- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
%
It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
love does not lie in the ear.
		-- Walpole
%
It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
wife in public.  It always makes people think that he beats her when
they're alone.  The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
like a happy married life.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
dessert.  The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork.  She
does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a
dessert, why didn't you order one?'  You must understand, she has the
dessert she wants.  The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
		-- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
%
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to
mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
		-- Maimie Van Doren
%
It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
%
It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
since the middle of my marriage.  There was energy, softness, grace and
laughter.  I even took my socks off.  In my circle, that means class.
		-- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
%
It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
road.  Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
and knocked on the front door.  No one responded.  He could feel the water
from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer.  By now he was soaked
to the skin.  Desperately he pounded on the door.  At last the head of a
man appeared out of an upstairs window.
	"What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
	"My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
would let me stay here for the night."
	"Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
okay with me."
%
It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
		-- Tim Conway
%
It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything
on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.
%
"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
%
It's not the inital skirt length, it's the upcreep.
%
It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
		-- Mae West
%
It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
		-- Tallulah Bankhead
%
	It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
%
	Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
	Her voice was little more than a whisper.
	"Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
before I go.  I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles.  And it was I who
forced your mistress to leave the city.  And I am the one who reported 
your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
	"That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
%
Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot
remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about
women.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
	at the conception.
		-- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
%
Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
		-- Mae West
%
Keep women you cannot.  Marry them and they come to hate the way you walk
across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you at the end of six
months.
		-- Moore
%
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
		-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
		-- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
%
Lady Nancy Astor:
	"Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
Winston Churchill:
	"Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
%
Lank: Here we go.  We're about to set a new record.
Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
Lank: We've done it.  Earl has set a new record.  Turned down by
      20,000 women.
		-- Lank and Earl
%
Large increases in cost with questionable increases in performance can
be tolerated only in race horses and women.
		-- Lord Kalvin
%
Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
		-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted.  In every
relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive.  If you
really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
I most admired in myself I gave up.  I stopped being loud and bossy ...
Oh, all right.  I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back.
		-- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
%
Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
		-- Miss November, 1966
%
Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
		-- Valerie Solanas
%
Life Sucks.  Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
certain not to find her.  Drop me a note.  I'll call you, we'll talk and
I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
afford in a feeble attempt to impress you.  Then we'll realize we have
absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
%
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
%
Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate the difference between one
young woman and another.
		-- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
%
Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
		-- Alan McKay
%
Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
Lonely men seek companionship.  Lonely women sit at home and wait.
They never meet.
%
Lots of girls can be had for a song.  Unfortunately, it often turns out to
be the wedding march.
%
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
with the ideal never goes unpunished.
		-- Goethe
%
Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
		-- Dr. Karl Bowman
%
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
		-- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
%
Macho does not prove mucho.
		-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
%
Man and wife make one fool.
%
Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would
not have chosen a suit by it.
		-- Maurice Chevalier
%
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the
whole girl.
		-- Stephen Leacock
%
Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with
a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise.
%
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.
But she can never catch him at it.
%
Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
%
Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
insincerity possible between two human beings.
		-- Vicki Baum
%
Marriage causes dating problems.
%
Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
%
Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
		-- Mae West
%
Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
		-- James Garner
%
Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
%
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
		-- Roger Price
%
Marriage is an institution in which two undertake to become one, and one
undertakes to become nothing.
%
Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
in the brewery.
		-- George Jean Nathan
%
Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
%
Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
chopsticks.  It looks easy until you try it.
%
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
		-- Baskins
%
Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the
burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place.
		-- Calvin Trillin
%
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
		-- Voltaire
%
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would
have preferred.
%
Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
%
Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
		-- Edmond About
%
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
		-- John Lyly
%
Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
%
Matrimony is the root of all evil.
%
Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
%
Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
		-- Marilyn Monroe
%
Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
		-- Jayne Mansfield
%
Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.  They're attracted by what I
don't mind...
		-- Gypsy Rose Lee
%
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing they marry later;
for another thing they die earlier.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
Men have as exaggerated an idea of their rights as women have of their wrongs.
		-- E.W. Howe
%
Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
%
Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
%
Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
		-- DeSegur
%
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
%
Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
%
Men who cherish for women the highest respect are seldom popular with them.
		-- Joseph Addison
%
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies.  Women's magazines
also often feature pictures of naked ladies.  This is because the female
body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and
should not be seen by the light of day.
		-- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different"
%
Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote.  Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his
wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
%
Moe:	Wanna play poker tonight?
Joe:	I can't. It's the kids' night out.
Moe:	So?
Joe:	I gotta stay home with the nurse.
%
Moe:	What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
Joe:	The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
%
Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
things we have.
		-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
Money is a powerful aphrodisiac.  But flowers work almost as well.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
		-- H.H. Munro
%
... most of us learned about love the hard way.  Even warnings are probably
useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
which some of them never recovered during their entire lives.  And I am not
speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
of every age in every city in every year.  The notorious sexual revolution
has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
		-- Alix Kates Shulman
%
My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should be able to change him,
like a bank note, for two twenties.
%
Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
		-- Linda Festa
%
Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
%
Never eat at a place called Mom's.  Never play cards with a man named Doc.
And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
		-- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
%
Never go to bed mad.  Stay up and fight.
		-- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
%
Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
		-- Nelson Algren
%
Never tell.  Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
in on you, deny it.  Yeah.  Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
tellin' ya.  This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'.  I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age,
and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
		-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
%
No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
		-- Landor
%
No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
interest in hair restorers.
	-- Austin O'Malley
%
No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
		-- Arthur Binstead
%
No one knows like a woman how to say things that are at once gentle and deep.
		-- Hugo
%
No self-made man ever did such a good job that some woman didn't
want to make some alterations.
		-- Kim Hubbard
%
No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
she will or will not be a mother.
		-- Margaret H. Sanger
%
No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
		-- Lord Thomas Dewar
%
No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
him than he deserves.
		-- Edgar Watson Howe
%
Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
And then it's too late.
%
Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
the capitalist mode of production.
		-- Herbert Marcuse
%
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
		-- Plato
%
Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
husband and wife.
%
Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her.
		-- Vanbrugh
%
	Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll 
through the woods.  All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated 
on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her.  "Maiden," croaked the
frog, "would you do me a favor?  This will be hard for you to believe, but
I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
	"Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl.  "I'll do anything I can to
help you break such a spell."
	"Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
the night under her pillow."
	The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
pillow that night when she retired.  When she awoke the next morning, sure
enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
royal blood.  And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
her father and mother still don't believe her story.
%
	Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
in a certain kingdom.  And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
who was of marriageable age.  Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
win her hand.  The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross.  As they coped with
each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page.  He was
not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
in short, a complete flop.  When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
treasure.  The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
thought of this and were unprepared.  The youngest, however, had the
answer:  Promise her anything, but give her our page.
%
	One evening he spoke.  Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
he allowed his soul to be heard.  "My darling, anything you wish, anything
I am, anything I can ever be...  That's what I want to offer you -- not the
things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
them.  That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it -- so
that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for you."
	The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
Kelly?"
	He got up.  He said nothing and walked out of the house.  He never
saw that girl again.  Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
		-- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
%
One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
%
One is not born a woman, one becomes one.
		-- Simone de Beauvoir
%
One man's folly is another man's wife.
		-- Helen Rowland
%
One should always be in love.  That is the reason one should never marry.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
%
	People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
persuasion.
	"Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
swift smack.  We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank.  It is troubling
enough to get straight who is really what.  Those who deliberately misuse
the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
	A woman is any grown-up female person.  A girl is the un-grown-up
version.  If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall.  However, if you
call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
%
Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
		-- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
%
Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed.  It is not fair that some men
should be happier than others.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Sally:	C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
	with me.
Ted:	ALL?  Do you realize what you're asking?  Men aren't trained
	to share.  We're trained to protect ourselves by not
	letting anyone too close.  Good grief, if I go around
	sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
Sally:	It's called "trust," Ted.
Ted:	"Sharing"?  "Trust"?  You're really asking me to sail into
	uncharted waters here.
		-- Sally Forth
%
Scientists still know less about what attracts men than they do about
what attracts mosquitoes.
		-- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
		"What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
%
She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking good.
		-- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
%
She been married so many times she got rice marks all over her face.
		-- Tom Waits
%
She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
		-- Gypsy Rose Lee
%
She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few years, enjoyed
herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and left.  Excited a few men
in the meantime.
		-- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
		   involvement in "The Avengers".
%
She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them were bad.
%
She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
have poured on a waffle ...
%
She's learned to say things with her eyes that others waste time putting
into words.
%
She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
%
She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
		-- Mae West
%
So many beautiful women and so little time.
		-- John Barrymore
%
So many men; so little time.
%
So many women; so little nerve.
%
So many women; so little time!
%
	"So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
	"Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
	"Friday, then?"
	"Why not, David, it might even be fun."
		-- Dating in Minnesota
%
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
%
Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
%
Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right places!
		-- Mae West
%
Some men are so interested in their wives' continued happiness that they
hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
%
Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
		-- Maureen Murphy
%
Some men feel that the only thing they owe the woman who marries them
is a grudge.
		-- Helen Rowland
%
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
		-- Gloria Steinem
%
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
		-- Sigmund Freud
%
Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means to me, it's all I can do
to keep from telling her.
		-- Andy Capp
%
Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
%
Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it
needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
		-- Kipling
%
Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
		-- Geoffrey Chaucer
%
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
		-- Paul Leautaud, "Propos d'un jour"
%
The anger of a woman is the greatest evil with which you can threaten your
enemies.
		-- Bonnard
%
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows
that the average man can see much better than he can think.
		-- Ladies' Home Journal
%
The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
disdain; he is anything but her ideal.  In consequence, she cannot help
feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
their father.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
The best man for the job is often a woman.
%
The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected company arrives,
all you have to do is straighten your tie.
%
The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females.  Why do they tolerate
this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
hungry all the time?
%
The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
sometimes three.
		-- Alexandre Dumas
%
The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a 
tedious book.
%
	The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
in his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
	"Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
but not much good in a fight."
%
The difference between legal separation and divorce is that legal
separation gives the man time to hide his money.
%
The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
of the woman.
		-- Honor'e DeBalzac
%
The eternal feminine draws us upward.
		-- Goethe
%
The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
%
The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
%
The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
remember her first husband.
%
The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
%
The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
		-- Sophia Loren
%
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.  They gave him
love and he invented marriage.
%
The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce.
		-- J.K. Galbraith 
%
The heaviest object in the world is the body of the woman you have ceased
to love.
		-- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
%
The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease to stifle our sighs
and begin to stifle our yawns.
		-- Helen Rowland
%
The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
		-- Bill Lawrence
%
The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that
what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
		-- Leo J. Burke
%
The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
She loves it -- and that's all.  It is thus that we should love.
		-- DeGourmont
%
The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin.
		-- Honor'e DeBalzac
%
The man who understands one woman is qualified to understand pretty well
everything.
		-- Yeats
%
The mature bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
%
The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"
%
The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
		-- American proverb
%
The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
%
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
of a deaf man to a blind woman.
		-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
%
The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
is that one of them be good at taking orders.
		-- Linda Festa
%
The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
		-- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
%
The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two adopted children.
		-- Paul Ehrlich
%
The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
for getting acquainted.
		-- Heywood Broun
%
The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
		-- Colette
%
The perfect man is the true partner.  Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
quality of joy.
		-- Erica Jong
%
The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
%
The prettiest women are almost always the most boring, and that is why
some people feel there is no God.
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
one leg.  The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
take it too seriously.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft voice, sweet speech,
wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
		-- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
%
The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
%
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing
-- and then marry him.
		-- Cher
%
The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true.
%
The two things that can get you into trouble quicker than anything else
are fast women and slow horses.
%
The way to fight a woman is with your hat.  Grab it and run.
%
The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great
deal of money.  The woman who gives herself takes all your time.
		-- Balzac
%
There are a few things that never go out of style, and a feminine woman
is one of them.
		-- Ralston
%
There are four stages to a marriage.  First there's the affair, then there's
the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
cannot know a woman, the divorce.
		-- Norman Mailer
%
There are three things I have always loved and never understood --
art, music, and women.
%
There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them,
or turn them into literature.
		-- Stephen Stills
%
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
marriage and after marriage.
%
There goes the good time that was had by all.
		-- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
%
There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
		-- Helen Rowland
%
There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools
to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it.
So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in
check.  And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course.
		-- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
%
There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only the ones who do
not know how to make themselves attractive.
		-- Christian Dior
%
There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives us for another,
and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
		-- Augier
%
There is only one way to console a widow.  But remember the risk.
		-- Robert Heinlein
%
There's nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on his toes.
%
There's nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man appreciate
his wife.
		-- Clare Booth Luce
%
There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
%
There's one consolation about matrimony.  When you look around you can
always see somebody who did worse.
		-- Warren H. Goldsmith
%
There's one fool at least in every married couple.
%
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
what it is I'll get married again.
		-- Clint Eastwood
%
There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
		-- Richard Le Gallienne
%
This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
bags!  I just won the California lottery!"
	"Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
	"I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
of the house by dinner!"
%
'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who should demand
more from her?  You don't want a rose to sing.
		-- Thackeray
%
To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
than a man would have to be.  Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
%
To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
		-- Golda Meir
%
To err is human -- but it feels divine.
		-- Mae West
%
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
		-- Benjamin Franklin
%
To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
		-- St. Augustine
%
To our sweethearts and wives.  May they never meet.
		-- 19th century toast
%
Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a cheering
squad and another paycheck.  When a woman marries, she gets a boarder.
%
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
		-- Mae West
%
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your
own name.
		-- Joan Rivers
%
Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but twenty years of
marriage make her something like a public building.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
I forget the second.
%
Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
		-- Richard Armour
%
Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
Tom:	 I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
		-- Tom Chapin
%
Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the
ceremony has been performed.  Primarily women wish attention and affection.
Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative.  Really,
it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them.  It leaves one open
to a rival.  Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals.  Lovers, never.
		-- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire"
%
We were happily married for eight months.  Unfortunately, we were married
for four and a half years.
		-- Nick Faldo
%
We're all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talk
philosophy, executing both with confidence and style.
%
Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
		-- John Heywood
%
Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
%
Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal rights.
		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%
What a misfortune to be a woman!  And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
understand what a misfortune it is.
		-- Kierkegaard, 1813-1855.
%
What do you give a man who has everything?  Penicillin.
		-- Jerry Lester
%
	"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
asked her mother.
	"Encouragement, dear," she replied.
%
What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!  A man can be happy with
any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's
transparency.
		-- George Nathan
%
What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.  It's
corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books and
magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes and,
most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes, women were
discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate mistake has been
remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige and power by dint
of individual rather than collective effort.
		-- Susan Gordon
%
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
as good.  Luckily this is not difficult.
		-- Charlotte Whitton
%
When a girl can read the handwriting on the wall, she may be in the wrong
rest room.
%
When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
inattentions of one.
		-- Helen Rowland
%
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her.
		-- Sacha Guitry
%
When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
		-- Donnay
%
When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
When choosing between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never
tried before.
		-- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
%
When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
		-- Charles Merrill Smith
%
When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman.  As to
why he then stopped there are two opinions.  One of them is woman's.
		-- DeGourmont
%
When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
woman.  Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
		-- Robert Schuman
%
When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
		-- Mae West
%
When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
%
When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
%
When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was, at
her request, moved to a different room.  She told me she didn't think she
had ever seen a Jew before.  My only response was to begin wearing a
small Star of David on a chain around my neck.  I had not become a more
observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of Jew was offensive to
others made me want to let people know who I was and what I believed in.
Similarly, after talking to these young women -- one of whom told me that
she didn't think she had ever met a feminist -- I've taken to identifying
myself as a feminist in the most unlikely of situations.
		-- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
%
When one knows women one pities men, but when one studies men,
one excuses women.
		-- Horne Tooke
%
When the candles are out all women are fair.
		-- Plutarch
%
When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
if he could stay the night.  The farmer agreed to put him up.  "I live alone,"
he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
right."
	"Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
the wrong joke."
%
When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
		-- Balzac
%
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane,
most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear
that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition
continuously until death do them part.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
		-- H.L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
%
When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; when they do
not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not even our virtues.
		-- Honor'e de Balzac
%
When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
		-- David Pryce-Jones
%
When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
		-- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
%
Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?
		-- Rita Rudner
%
Where's the man could ease a heart like a satin gown?
		-- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
%
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.  Why a man
would want *___two* wives is a bigamystery.
%
Why isn't there some cheap and easy way to prove how much she means to me?
%
Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight?  Is it something I said?
		-- Tom Ryan
%
With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
party.  Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
parties.
	"Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said.  "What's
your G.P.A.?"
	Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
the city and forty on the highway."
%
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
		-- Dumas
%
Woman was God's second mistake.
		-- Nietzsche
%
Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
that he might love her.
		-- Henry
%
Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
		-- Cervantes
%
Women are all alike.  When they're maids they're mild as milk: once make 'em
wives, and they lean their backs against their marriage certificates, and
defy you.
		-- Jerrold
%
Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it from charity,
or revenge?
		-- Gustave Vapereau
%
Women are just like men, only different.
%
Women are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't
want to own one.
		-- W.C. Fields
%
Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
		-- Herold
%
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
		-- Stephens
%
Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
		-- Pogo
%
Women can keep a secret just as well as men, but it takes more of them
to do it.
%
Women complain about sex more than men.  Their gripes fall into two
categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
		-- Ann Landers
%
Women give themselves to God when the Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
		-- Arnould
%
Women give to men the very gold of their lives.  Possibly; but they
invariably want it back in such very small change.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little crying, a little dying
-- and a good deal of lying.
		-- Ansey
%
Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong than men who
reason with the head.
		-- DeLescure
%
Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity, but never a man
who misses one.
		-- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
%
Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods.  They worship us and are
always bothering us to do something for them.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Women want their men to be cops.  They want you to punish them and tell
them what the limits are.  The only thing that women hate worse from a man
than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
		-- Mort Sahl
%
Women waste men's lives and think they have indemnified them by a few
gracious words.
		-- Honor'e de Balzac
%
Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
%
Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; not because they are
pretty, or good, or well-bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because
they are themselves.
		-- Amiel
%
Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
		-- Cornelia Otis Skinner
%
Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
as good as any other.
		-- Philippe De Remi
%
Women, when they are not in love, have all the cold blood of an experienced 
attorney.
		-- Honor'e de Balzac
%
Women, when they have made a sheep of a man, always tell him that he is a
lion with a will of iron.
		-- Honor'e de Balzac
%
	"You are *so* lovely."
	"Yes."
	"Yes!  And you take a compliment, too!  I like that in a goddess."
%
You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.  You are
avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
You ask what a nice girl will do?  She won't give an inch, but she won't
say no.
		-- Marcus Valerius Martialis
%
You can have a dog as a friend.  You can have whiskey as a friend.  But
if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
your dog.
		-- foolin' around
%
You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
%
You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly -- only sooner than she thought you would.
%
You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married and few words
in your sleep to get divorced.
%
You just know when a relationship is about to end.  My girlfriend called me
at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom.  "It's very
simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
%
You know what we can be like:  See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
him having an extramarital affair.  By the time someone says "I'd like you to
meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
		-- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
%
You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your daughter
for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her mother is allowed
to take.
%
You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
are now extinct.
		-- M. Somerset Maugham
%
You lived with a man who wore white belts?  Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
		-- Remington Steele
%
You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
%
"You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus."
		-- Swamp Thing
%
	Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
only a few hours each evening and see what happens.  The Waltz, Polka,
Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
to both sexes.  Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
	It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex.  It is the
fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
soul, the body, the sinews and nerves.  Experience and statistics show
beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one.  Even if they reached that
age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
		-- Quote from a 1910 periodical
%
Young men want to be faithful and are not; old men want to be faithless and
cannot.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
%
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
		-- Carrie Snow
%
A male mathematician is someone who can count to twenty-one without
unzipping his fly.
%
A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
		-- Soren Kierkegaard
%
A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
%
A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long
as he can.
		-- Moms Mabley
%
Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally
of dealings with men.
		-- Conrad
%
Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit?  Who needs him?
		-- `J', "The Sensuous Woman"
%
Don't accept rides from strange men -- and remember that all men are strange
as hell.
		-- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
%
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
%
If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads.
%
If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
%
If you catch a man, throw him back.
		-- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
%
Lysistrata had a good idea.
%
Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the curb when you're done.
%
Men will fuck mud.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck.
%
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
is your husband.
%
The sex life of spiders is very interesting.
He fucks her.
She bites his head off.
		-- From a Women's Lib Poster
%
There are three women on the fast track in a particular company.  The
president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so
competent that he's not sure which one to choose.  So he devises a little
test.  One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their
desks.  #1 returns it to him immediately.  #2 pockets it.  #3 invests
in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning.  Who gets the
promotion?  The one with the big tits!
%
Upon leaving a hotel bar one evening, an executive noticed a drunk sitting
on the edge of a potted palm in the lobby, crying like a baby.  Because he'd
had a couple himself that night, and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow
man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was.
	"I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk.  "I sold my
wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch."
	"That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to 
muster any real indignation.  "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her
back."
	"Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling.
	"You're sorry you sold her, because you realize too late that you
love her," sympathized the executive.
	"No, no," said the drunk.  "I wish I had her back because I'm
thirsty again."
%
War is menstruation envy.
%
When God created man, She was only testing.
%
You know the Norplant thing?  It's a new birth control device for women.
It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm.  Well, they're coming out with
a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head.
%
A game can by God repent or we'll punish it.
That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century,
and that's how we'll do it now.
		-- Dick Hamlet
%
America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.
		-- Allen Ginsberg
%
An Army travels on her stomach.
%
Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals.
To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
%
Beware of altruism.  It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
%
Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting.
%
Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each...
[reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing
		-- NY Times
%
But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
%
Clark Kent is a transvestite.
%
Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text,
"what did you do during the sexual revolution?"

"Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was captured
early and spent the duration doing the dishes."
%
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
%
Don't eat yellow snow.
%
Don't forget to support the ERA apersonment.
%
Evening hours "all clear" for romance!

(Tell mate you have to work late.)
%
Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up?
Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for?
%
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
without looking to see whether the seeds move.
%
"For an adequate time call 555-3321"
%
Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #1

	Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if
you supply conclusive evidence to support your claim, is an outright attack.
If you show someone a flaw in his/her logic, they have every right to punch
you in the face.  Mathematical proofs of errors are the moral equivalent
of rape and should be avoided at all cost.
	Now... your opponent has requested a "rational discussion".  What do
you do?  Well, remember that people are normally willing to discuss things
rationally if and only if you agree with them; anything less would obviously
not be rational.  Therefore, agree immediately, and continue as before.
	Always assume that whenever you see someone making a statement about
"certain parties who shall remain nameless", "some people", "assholes", etc.,
they are talking about *you*.  It is also correct to assume that words you
don't understand, such as "prestidigatory", "lapidarian", and "buprestid",
are direct personal attacks aimed at your loved ones and merit an equally
scathing response.  Failure to do this results in many lost opportunities for
rational discussion.  (See above.)
%
Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #3

The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical
recourse.  If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for
30 odd weeks, and an memo comes across that logically tears down the
final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call
the author of that memo:
	1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason.
	2: an egotistical flaming typical wombat aggie melon-humping
	   cheese-whizzing nanosexual subuseless clamsucker whose memos
	   are apparently sneezed onto his/her terminal.
	3: something unpleasant.
The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone
has posted something you don't understand.  Given the current state of modern
electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning
of an memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of
the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via
a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos.
%
Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation.  On this particular
evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
	One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?"  The four
fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
	At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?"  The others nodded
in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem.  A second
professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'"  Again, the others
nodded.  A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
	They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies.  What are your
thoughts?"
	Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
%
"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control."
%
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
%
Home is where the hurt is.
		-- Strange de Jim
%
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
%
Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse.
%
I don't care who you are, Fatso.  Get those reindeer off my roof.
%
I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
ever needed one.  Needless to say, I readily agreed.
		-- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
%
	"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear
grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun.  He picked it up and
stuck it in my back."
	"What did you do?"
	"What *could* I do?  I married his daughter."
%
	I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, 
"What'll you have, Bud"?
	I said," I don't know, surprise me".
	So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
"I've had one child.  My husband wants to have another.  I'd like to
watch him have another."
%
If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.
		-- George Carlin
%
Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
		-- Robert Burton
%
In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
the cows are known sluts.
		-- Johnny Carson
%
In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of
its magazine, for married men.  Every month it has the same centerfold.
%
It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus.
%
It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes.

Especially in a paternity hearing.
%
It was a female that drove me to drink and I didn't even have the kindness
to thank her.
		-- R.E. Baber
%
It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday
trappings.  The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's
knitting needles.  The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated
in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book.
Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker.  Jane climbed up on
the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap.
	"Tell us a story," begged Mary.
	"Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping
her arms around the children.  "What story should I tell you?"
	"Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly.
"About the time you were a hooker in Chicago."
%
	It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers.  The
thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
nursing a whopper.  Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
	Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
icepacks.
		-- "Bored of the Rings", The Harvard Lampoon
%
Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork.
%
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
		-- Michael O'Donohugh
%
May a deranged midget on a pogo stick take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt.
%
May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
%
My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
		-- Alexandre Dumas, pere
%
Never take a resume seriously.  Resumes only make money for the
people who write the resumes.  No resume ever tells an employer how many
times a job applicant has had the clap.
	Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
by a professional liar? 
	If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
did the applicant go to TCU?
	If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
		-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
%
No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".
		-- Greg Bear
%
Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.
		-- Joseph Pulitzer
%
OLD FELLA RED CLARET
	Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er"

An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old
and ill-cared for animals.  It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to
prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins.  Connoisseurs will savour the
slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings.
Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste
buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings
with perished jock straps.  The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads
gives it a very Definite Nose.  With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.
In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people
who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK").

It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973

Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts.
	 Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new.
%
Once upon a time there was a boy, who tried very, very hard to be a Good
Little Boy.  He grew up to try to be a Good Man.
	But he never understood how he could be either.
	Finally, one day, after years of chronic worry and months of
outright crisis, he admitted that he couldn't do either, because at some
level, he wasn't even male.
	So she tried to be a Good Little Girl, and soon after, tried to
learn to be a Good Woman.
	Unfortunately, she didn't look much like Barbie.  More like Ken,
I suppose.
	So, she lost some friends.  But she loved herself, and that was
more important.  Then she lost her career, but that wasn't so important,
because it was *his* career she lost.  Her family tried to accept; all of
them stopped using the old name.  One of them even tried the new one, a
few times.  She couldn't get a job--"That's no woman!" seemed to bar her
even from jobs that didn't require interior plumbing.  But it was all
right, because she had learned to stop trying to be a Good Anything At
All, and loving herself, *was* herself.
	Then the heat went off, and the food ran out, the eviction notice
came and there wasn't anywhere left to borrow money from.  So she filled
the tub, heating water in a kettle on the stove, and gently, lovingly,
cut her wrists.

The moral of the story: The ugly duckling makes a dandy meal.  Dig in.
%
A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
%
SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!!
	details at 11!
%
Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish.
%
So... if you could choose any nose in the whole wide world,
which one would you pick?
%
Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey.  That's just holy water.
		-- Little Richard
%
Television is a whore.  Any man who wants her full favors can have them
in five minutes with a pistol.
		-- Hijacker, quoted in "Esquire"
%
The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the
home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks.  One evening,
when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in-
law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress."  Shyly,
the brother-in-law did as she requested.  "Now," she continued, "take off my
slip."  He again complied.  "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove
my panties and bra."  Once more James obeyed her command.
	Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man
and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James.  Don't ever let
me catch you wearing my things again."
%
The moving finger having writ... gestures.
%
The only difference between your girlfriend and a barracuda is the nailpolish.
%
The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming.
%
Watch out for a cold wave this week.  (Or maybe a warm WAC.)
%
	When I was coming out, the single most common reaction was a question:
"Oh, well ... have you really thought about this?" delivered with solemn
concern.
	I never did figure out a good reply; I finally settled on a
disbelieving stare, which usually provoked a change of topic.  I always
*wanted* to say "Gee, no!  I just woke up one morning and thought, 'Gosh,
it's been such fun being a boy, I guess I'll try being a girl for a
while!'  Don't you think it's a neato idea?"  But these were *friends* --
clueless, it's true, but trying to comprehend in a moment what I'd
struggled to not comprehend for thirty years ... they didn't deserve that.
		-- Anonymous transsexual woman
%
... why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something
you don't want to be?  Lord, that's so simple.  If you hate your job, quit it.
If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends.  You are queer, you
lucky fool, and that makes you one of life's buccaneers, free from the clutter
of 2000 years of Judeo-Christian sermonizing.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself
and start raising your sails.  You haven't a moment to lose.
		-- Edmund Carlevale
%
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
pick your friend's nose.
%
Your boy/girl friend is *so* ugly that...

	-- when you look up ugly in the dictionary, their picture's there.
	-- it looks like their face caught fire and someone put it out
		with an ice pick.
	-- Nabisco used their face to model for animal cookies.
	-- when they yelled "Rape", the guy screamed "No way!"
	-- they were the birth control poster child.
	-- when they were born, the doctor slapped their mother.
	-- as a child, their parents tied a pork chop around her neck to
		get the puppy to play with them.
	-- they have to sneak up on a glass of water, just to get a drink!
%
A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman.  Imagine if on top
of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
		-- Adolf Hitler
%
A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.
		-- Norman Mailer
%
A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
		-- Thackeray
%
A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
		-- Aristotle
%
A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
which is on its way out.
		-- L. Ron Hubbard
%
A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
		-- Scott
%
A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing--tender, sweet, and stupid.
		-- Adolf Hitler
%
A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.
		-- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel"
%
A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.
		-- Herodotus
%
A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social
pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate
woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love,
without virtue, without sex.
		-- Balzac
%
A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.
		-- Pancho Villa
%
Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
		-- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407.
%
And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve?  The judgement of God
upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of 
criminal at the bar of justice.
		-- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer
%
		Are Women Human?

In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote. The
results were 32 yes, 31 no.  Women were declared human by one vote.
%
	Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman?  If so, you know how
Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only
an occasional weekend for sex.  Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack,
rising corporate star, ended in disaster.  Yesterday you heard him telling
a friend over lunch,  "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!"  Well,
all is not lost!  SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
15 minutes a day!
	SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate
sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers.  Through
the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
muscles.  With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistable", the "California Crusher", and,
of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm".  Or,
using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
	SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
immersible for easy cleaning.  SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
textured for a realistic effect.  Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
limited graphics capability.  Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
%
Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
the new cliche of the date-rape furor:  "`No' always means `no'."  Will
we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts?  "No" has always been, and always
will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
		-- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
%
Dames lie about anything -- just for practice.
		-- Raymond Chandler
%
Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
your business success?  Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror.  Is
your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
Are you slender enough for your height?  Do you stand erect, confident?
Yes?  Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
		-- Ladies' Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
%
Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.
		-- Chinese Proverb
%
Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work.
Except for women.
%
Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus
Theater tonight.  Meet in the lobby at 8:30.  The films are "Blue Jennifer" 
and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders".
%
Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women.
They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.
		-- Earl Wilson
%
Finally, a reporter got a chance to interview Tarzan.

Reporter: Tarzan?  Is that your first or last name?
Tarzan:   Tarzan first name.
Reporter: Then, what's your whole name?
Tarzan:   Tarzan of the Apes.
Reporter: And who is the woman with you?
Tarzan:   That Jane.
Reporter: And what's Jane's whole name?
Tarzan:   Cunt.
%
Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman President?
"I can't deal with the Russians today.  Not now.  I've got my period."
		-- Steven Moore
%
Here's to women.  Would that we could fall into her arms without falling
into her hands.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
	I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics.  He politely obliged.
That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
over the same month for the previous year.  The precinct had made two
arrests.
	"Not a very impressive record," I offered.
	"Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me.  "You know what
these complaints represent?"
	"What do they represent?" I asked.
	"Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
closing the book.
		-- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
%
If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
		-- Saint Augustine
%
In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons.  A woman must never
be free of subjugation.
		-- The Hindu Code of Manu
%
In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, woman is merely an
instrument of pleasure.
		-- Tolstoy
%
It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that
could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered,
broad-hipped, and short-legged race.
		-- Schopenhauer
%
It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
to love with authority.  Women are simple souls who like simple things,
and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give.  ...  Our family
airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head.  The
average wife is like that.
		-- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
%
Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced.
%
Men are superior to women.
		-- The Koran
%
No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
		-- Sidney
%
One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
		-- Confucius
%
Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the
ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.
		-- Edgar Berman
%
Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.
		-- Grover Cleveland, 1905
%
She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax for
stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having the
unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.

In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick, not
because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the worry that it
might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
		-- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
%
Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
loneliness and despair!  Send some company for Your sake!"

God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
the days of your life.  Never complains.  Looks up to you in every way.
It'll cost you though".

"Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
the birds of the air palls after a while.  What's the price?"

"An arm and a leg", said God.

Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed.  "So, what can I get
for a rib?"
%
Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.
		-- Noel Coward
%
Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president!  
Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much.
%
That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
remarkable.  Amid all the scolding, to be able to think!  But he could not
write: that was impossible.  Socrates has not left us a single book.
		-- Heine
%
The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made.  Evidently He made
her on Saturday night.  She reveals his fatigue.
		-- Dumas
%
The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
		-- Sigmund Freud
		
	[*Which* woman?  This sort of *stupid* question should, I suppose, be
	 expected from the man who invented the mind-bogglingly unbelievable
	 concept of 'penis envy' to explain the behavior of half of mankind.]
%
The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary.  She
is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.
		-- Norton
%
The more I learn about women, the more I love my dog.
%
The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
		-- A. Hoffman
%
The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon.  He stops
for a moment, scratches his forehead, then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think
of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?"
	"Aunt," replies the Cardinal.
	"Say, thanks," says the Pope.  "You got an eraser?"
%
The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
sense of womanly feeling and propriety.  Lady ____ ought to get a good
whipping.  It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
contain herself.  God created men and women different -- then let them
remain each in their own position.
	-- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from Queen Victoria
%
Were there no women, men might live like gods.
		-- Thomas Dekker
%
When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women.  I
shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
what you like now."
		-- Tolstoy
%
When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
say in front of girls.  Now you can say them.  But you can't say "girls".
%
With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be
up here with us.
		-- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
%
With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind she lies.
And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
		-- Tolstoy
%
With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
it.  I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
close.  Like catching snakes.
		-- Marlon Brando
%
Woman is generally so bad that the difference between a good and a bad
woman scarcely exists.
		-- Tolstoy
%
Women -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the curb when you're done.
%
Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
		-- Napoleon
%
Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
original earth clinging to the roots.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Women should be obscene and not heard.
%
A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:

If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?
		-- Paul Harvey
%
A Hen Brooding Kittens
	A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
kittens!  The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past.  The young
felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
		-- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
%
	A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
never reveal our sauce."
%
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
game.  Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
along it at the water's edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.  Then, the
paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it.  Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs.
		-- Audobon Society Magazine
%
A New Way of Taking Pills
	A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
		-- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
%
A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
		-- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
%
A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
could not be seen.  A little while later the two kings of the jungle
emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
%
"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked
out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."
		-- Steel City News
%
A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
bonnet.  Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
		-- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
%
Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%
After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
any interest...  but even then the interest items are usually buried deep
around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont.  on ...") page...

The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa.  The
Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the neck.
They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an oriental
woman who seemed to be in control."

Now that's good journalism.  Totally objective; very active and straight
to the point.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
%
All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from the hills after
the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
%
An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
		-- Adlai Stevenson
%
"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
your own."
        	-- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter Preposterous Words
%
And that's the way it is...
		-- Walter Cronkite
%
Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
%
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
%
Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
		-- Erwin Knoll
%
FLASH!
Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
%
... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
and you would not have been informed.
%
I only know what I read in the papers.
		-- Will Rogers
%
I read the newspaper avidly.  It is my one form of continuous fiction.
		-- Aneurin Bevan
%
I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
something of what has been passing in their time.
		-- H. Truman
%
If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
because I can't swim.
		-- Bob Stanfield
%
If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich, 
or famous or both.
%
In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
		-- Frank Mankiewicz
%
Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent person could harbor
two opposing ideas in his mind?
		-- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters
%
Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
the ignorance of the community.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Journalism is literature in a hurry.
		-- Matthew Arnold
%
Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
%
Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
can't talk for people who can't read.
		-- Frank Zappa
%
My father was a God-fearing man, but he never missed a copy of the
New York Times, either.
		-- E.B. White
%
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
		-- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
%
			*** NEWSFLASH ***

Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!  Details at eleven!
%
"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper."
		-- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
		   taken over by Rupert Murdoch
%
Of what you see in books, believe 75%.  Of newspapers, believe 50%.  And of
TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
%
		Once Again From the Top

Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
George Wilson.  Each of these items was erroneous material published
inadvertently.  He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
The Herald regrets the errors."
		-- "The Progressive", March, 1987
%
One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he once had a
publisher shot.
		-- Siegfried Unseld
%
People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better
press than people who are just funny and smart.
		-- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
%
Photographing a volcano is just about the most miserable thing you can do.
		-- Robert B. Goodman
	[Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10.  Ed.]
%
	Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
	Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland...  On
the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail"
%
The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper.
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%
The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.

Film at 11:00.
%
The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
people to approach printed matter with distrust. 
%
"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country.  The
Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. The
National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running
the country ..."
		-- Robert J Woodhead
%
The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
plausible manner and a little literary ability.  The capacity to steal
other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
		-- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
%
The world really isn't any worse.  It's just that the news coverage
is so much better.
%
	"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
	"NO! ... I mean Yes!  WHAT?"
	"I'll put `maybe.'"
		-- Bloom County
%
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.  Had there been an
actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
%
This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.  If this had been an
actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?
%
This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life, you
would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.
%
Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking up.
		-- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
%
You know the great thing about TV?  If something important happens
anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
you can always change the channel.
		-- Jim Ignatowski
%
A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
Bastinado is about right.  For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other people's demands.
%
A bore is a man who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about
yourself.
%
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.
%
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
		-- Herbert Prochnow
%
A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
		-- Victor Hugo
%
A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
		-- Edgar A. Shoaff
%
A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
A friend is a present you give yourself.
		-- Robert Louis Stevenson
%
A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
you about yourself.
		-- Lisa Kirk
%
A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head.  The
green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
grew in the ears themselvse, stuck out on either side like turn signals
indicating two directions at once.  Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
with disapproval and potato chip crumbs.  In the shadow under the green visor
of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department
store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress.  Several
of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
properly considered offenses against taste and decency.  Possession of
anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
		-- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
%
A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
weight in other people's patience.
		-- John Updike
%
A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
man riding on a camel.  When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
water..."
	"I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
with me.  But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
	"Tie?" whispers the man.  "I need *water*."
	"They're only four dollars apiece."
	"I need *water*."
	"Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
	"Please!  I need *water*!", says the man.
	"I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
and he heads off into the distance.
	The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
sees a restaurant in the distance.  Summoning the last of his strength he
staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
	"Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
	"I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
%
A man of genius makes no mistakes.
His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
		-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
%
	A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
was making a bolt for the door.
%
A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
%
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
%
A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
%
A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
		-- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
%
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
		-- Gore Vidal
%
A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
		-- William S. Burroughs
%
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
%
	"A penny for your thoughts?"
	"A dollar for your death."
		-- The Odd Couple
%
A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
%
A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
%
A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
%
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
		-- Elbert Hubbard
%
A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
of yours to press against my heart.
		-- Goethe
%
A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
		-- George Eliot
%
A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
%
A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and
the real reason.
%
A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single 
man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
%
A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
%
A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
worth committing.
		-- Samuel Butler
%
	"...A strange enigma is man!"
	"Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
	"Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes.  "He remarked
that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
becomes a mathematical certainty.  You can, for example, never foretell what
any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
will be up to.  Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant.  So says
the statistician."
		-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
%
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
		-- B. Franklin
%
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous.
%
A well-known friend is a treasure.
%
	A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened 
to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road.  After seeing the 
sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride.  "You certainly have a dangerous job.
Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
	"Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
	"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
a snake?"
	"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
suck the poison from the wound."
	"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
a rattler?" persisted the woman.
	"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
who my real friends are."
%
Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
%
According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies.
%
Adam was but human--this explains it all.  He did not want the apple for the
apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden.  The mistake was in
not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
%
Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
then at least be aseptic.
%
After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
		-- Jean Giraudoux
%
After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not for
you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
		-- P.J. O'Rourke
%
After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe everything.
Just in case.
%
	After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed.  Later she was heard to
sing, "Some day my prints will come."
%
Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
		-- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
%
Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
%
Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
%
Al didn't smile for forty years.  You've got to admire a man like that.
		-- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
%
Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
or not.  Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
a beginning and an end.  Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
		-- Tom Robbins
%
All God's children are not beautiful.  Most of God's children are, in fact,
barely presentable.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
%
All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
to the future.  Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
		-- Yoda
%
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
%
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson.  "Be
practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table.  Well, Laurie
Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
that have queens as sovereign rulers.  That's probably my best shot.
%
All men have the right to wait in line.
%
All men profess honesty as long as they can.  To believe all men honest
would be folly.  To believe none so is something worse.
		-- John Quincy Adams
%
All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
%
All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
%
"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific."
		-- Jane Wagner
%
All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is
to enjoy it.
%
All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
		-- Susan Sontag
%
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
to live beyond its income.
		-- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
%
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
		-- Sean O'Casey
%
All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
our lives."
		-- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
%
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
%
Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
%
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
		-- Charlie McCarthy
%
America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
%
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
%
An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island.  When
several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
	"We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
barked.  "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
I've already paid them half of it."
	"You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
euphorically.  "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us!  They'll find us!"
%
An evil mind is a great comfort.
%
An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch.  He wears
a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
Protestant Golfer Magazine.  The advertisements are written in
incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote excellence:

"The Rolex Hyperion.  An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
discriminating handcraftsmanship.  For the individual who is truly able
to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
things by hand.  Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold.  No watch parts
or anything.  Just a great big chunk on your wrist.  Truly a timeless
statement.  For the individual who is very secure.  Who doesn't need to
be reminded all the time that he is very successful. Much more successful
than the people who laughed at him in high school.  Because of his acne.
People who are probably nowhere near as successful as he is now.  Maybe
he'll go to his 20th reunion, and they'll see his Rolex Hyperion.
Hahahahahahahahaha."
		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
%
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the
grand fallacy.
		-- Benjamin Stolberg
%
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows
absolutely everything about nothing.
%
An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
		-- Henry Ford
%
An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be
devoured.
		-- Konrad Adenauer
%
An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
		-- Albert Camus
%
An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
		-- Don Marquis
%
And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
ones.  The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them.  The
little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
them, aren't braced against them.
		-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
%
And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez Addams --
he was good for nothing."
		-- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
%
And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
%
And the crowd was stilled.  One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said.  Wide-eyed,
the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
clothes!  He is naked!"
		-- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
%
"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
and making yourself like everybody else.  You feel that, don't you?"  said
he, earnestly.
		-- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
%
Anger is momentary madness.
		-- Horace
%
Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
%
Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
		-- Charles McCabe
%
Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
mountain in a fog.  But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
than in bed.  What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
Is there a better way to die?
		-- Charles Lindbergh
%
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
how to lie well.
		-- Samuel Butler
%
Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out of
season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
requires a heroism which is transcendent.
		-- Henry Ward Beecher
%
Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
		-- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields
%
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
%
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
probably parked.
%
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
%
Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
and in the right way -- that is not easy.
		-- Aristotle
%
"Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the
first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
thought on every occasion."
                -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
%
Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
%
Apathy Club meeting this Friday.  If you want to come, you're not invited.
%
"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution"
%
Appearances often are deceiving.
		-- Aesop
%
Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
	or so pencils from marking the cloth?
Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
Is illegal fishing is something only a daring criminal would do?
Is Batman your hero?  Superman?  Green Lantern?  The Shadow?
Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?

	Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
0-2  -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
3-5  -- There is hope for you yet.
6-7  -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
11+  -- Does suicide seem attractive?
%
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone in good society holds exactly
the same opinion.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
useful and interesting, I just had to share it.

Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"

 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
 3. Some people never look at me.
 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
 5. My sex life is A-okay.
 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
12. I cannot read or write.
13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
16. I am never startled by a fish.
17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
19. People who break the law are wise guys.
20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
%
As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
useful and interesting, I just had to share it.

Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"

 1. I think beavers work too hard.
 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
 3. God is love.
 4. I like mannish children.
 5. I have always been diturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
    full of mice.
12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
16. My eyes are always cold.
17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
19. I am never startled by a fish.
20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
%
As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, but you will do them
with much more enthusiasm.
		-- The Cowboy
%
Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
		-- J.J. Gibson
%
Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
		-- John Stuart Mill
%
Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.  Run
with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened.  Keep
the company of bums and you will become a bum.  Hang around with rich people
and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
		-- Stanley Walker
%
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
thumb with a hammer.
		-- Marshall Lumsden
%
Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both ways
and it was always snowing.
%
Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
%
Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink
that they may live.
		-- Socrates
%
Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
%
Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations that
can't bear inspection.
%
Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
		-- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
%
Be incomprehensible.  If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
%
Be independent.  Insult a rich relative today.
%
Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
		-- Wilson Mizner
%
Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
		-- Pope St. Gregory I
%
Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
%
Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
%
Be valiant, but not too venturous.
Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
		-- John Lyly
%
Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
		-- Redd Foxx
%
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
		-- Addison H. Hallock
%
Before destruction a man's heart is haughty, but humility goes before honour.
		-- Psalms 18:12
%
Being popular is important.  Otherwise people might not like you.
%
Being ugly isn't illegal.  Yet.
%
Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember
and be sad.
		-- Christina Rossetti
%
Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
drip under pressure.
%
Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
%
"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us.  "He is full of
murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
their ignorance the hard way."
		-- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
%
BEWARE!  People acting under the influence of human nature.
%
Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
%
Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
%
Blessed are the forgetful:  for they get the better even of their blunders.
		-- Nietzsche
%
Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
to say it.
		-- James Russell Lowell
%
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
		-- W.C. Bennett
%
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
		-- Alexander Pope
%
Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
for he shall enjoy living.
		-- W.C. Bennett
%
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving
wordy evidence of the fact.
		-- George Eliot
%
Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
		-- Ralph Lewin
%
Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers.  There is, indeed, no wild beast
more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
brusque, your character.
		-- Jonathan Swift
%
Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
%
But I find the old notions somehow appealing.  Not that I want to go back
to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you what is
proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous to hold
reason higher than body or feeling.  Still there is something true and
profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or theft or
assault violate the doer as well as the done to.  We might even, if we
thought this way, have less crime.  The popular view of crime, as far as
I can deduce it from the movies and television, is that it is a breaking
of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away with that; implicitly,
everyone would like to break the rule, but not everyone is arrogant
enough to imagine they can get away with it.  It therefore becomes very
important for the rule upholders to bring such arrogance down.
		-- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
%
But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
%
"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
to the nearest gas station."
%
But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than 
frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?  
		-- M. Proust
%
By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
completely overwhelm you.
%
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
%
By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart.
		-- Confucius
%
Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
		-- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
%
Can you buy friendship?  You not only can, you must.  It's the
only way to obtain friends.  Everything worthwhile has a price.
		-- Robert J. Ringer
%
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
But it's very funny -- did you ever try buying them without money?
		-- Ogden Nash
%
Character is what you are in the dark!
		-- Lord John Whorfin
%
Charlie Brown:	Why was I put on this earth?
Linus:		To make others happy.
Charlie Brown:	Why were others put on this earth?
%
Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" -- without having asked any
clear question.
%
Class, that's the only thing that counts in life.  Class.
Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
		-- "Bugsy" Siegel
%
Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
leading the parade.
		-- Bill Battie
%
Clones are people two.
%
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
%
Coming together is a beginning;
	keeping together is progress;
		working together is success.
%
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
different speeds.  A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
		-- Clive James
%
Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
		-- Josh Billings
%
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
Everyone thinks he has enough.
	-- Descartes, 1637
%
Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
		-- LaRouchefoucauld
%
Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
		-- Josh Billings
%
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
good for dandruff.
		-- Peter de Vries
%
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
%
Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.
		-- Lord Thomas Dewar
%
Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
fall flat on your face.
		-- Dr. L. Binder
%
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
%
Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
%
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
%
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
%
Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
wish you weren't.
%
Convention is the ruler of all.
		-- Pindar
%
Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius.
%
Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the line-up.
		-- Raymond Chandler
%
Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
		-- Goethe
%
Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
%
Courage is grace under pressure.
%
Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
say it was obvious all along.
		-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
%
Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
%
Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
%
Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
		-- Zeuxis
%
Dare to be naive.
		-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%
Dave Mack:	"Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
Allen Gwinn:	"Yours is."
%
Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
have to eat them.
%
Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!!
%
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
		-- Bill Musselman
%
Delay is preferable to error.
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
		-- Euripides
%
Distance doesn't make you any smaller, but it does make you part of a
larger picture.
%
Do clones have navels?
%
Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
%
Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.  Their tastes
may not be the same.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
%
Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
day as it comes.
		-- Donald Kaul
%
Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.  I
believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they think.
There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not think, for every
one who does, and these people hate the thinkers like poison.  Even if some
thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make fun of them for it.  Better to
think about cucumbers even, than not to think at all.
		-- T.H. White
%
Do you mean that you not only want a wrong answer, but a certain wrong answer?
		-- Tobaben
%
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take
the time to take the dirt out of them?
%
Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
%
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
%
Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
		-- Joe Cointment
%
Don't confuse things that need action with those that take care of themselves.
%
Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
		-- Josh Billings
%
Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
%
Don't expect people to keep in step--it's hard enough just staying in line.
%
Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
%
Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
%
Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
Don't remember what you can infer.
		-- Harry Tennant
%
Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
		-- Darryl F. Zanuck
%
Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
%
Don't shout for help at night.  You might wake your neighbors.
		-- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
%
Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.  I know better.  The things
I worry about don't happen.
		-- Watchman Examiner
%
Don't tell me what you dreamed last night for I've been reading Freud.
%
Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes.  I get stranger things than you free
with my breakfast cereal.
		-- Zaphod Beeblebrox
%
Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
avoiding you.
		-- The Old Farmer's Almanac
%
Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.  If your ideas are any good,
you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
		-- Howard Aiken
%
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
%
Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely want to help you
could agree with each other?
%
Dorothy:	But how can you talk without a brain?
Scarecrow:	Well, I don't know... but some people without brains
		do an awful lot of talking.
		-- The Wizard of Oz
%
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
		-- Voltaire
%
Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
%
Early to bed and early to rise and you'll be groggy when everyone else is
wide awake.
%
	Eeyore, the old grey Donkey, stood by the side of the stream, and
looked at himself in the water.
	"Pathetic," he said.  "That's what it is.  Pathetic."
	He turned and walked slowly down the stream for twenty yards,
splashed across it, and walked slowly back on the other side.  Then he
looked at himself again.
	"As I thought," he said, "no better from *____this* side.  But nobody
minds.  Nobody cares.  Pathetic, that's what it is.
		-- A.A. Milne, "Winnie the Pooh," Chapter VI, "In Which Eeyore
		   Has a Birthday and Gets Two Presents"
%
Elevators smell different to midgets.
%
Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
%
Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
%
Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
		-- Onasander
%
Etiquette is for those with no breeding; fashion for those with no taste.
%
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
%
Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
		-- Menander
%
Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
		-- Aristophanes
%
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
		-- Will Rogers
%
Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
%
	Everthing is farther away than it used to be.  It is even twice as
far to the corner and they have added a hill.  I have given up running for
the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
	It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
days.  And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
	There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everbody
speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
	The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces.  And the
sizes don't run the way they used to.  The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
	Even people are changing.  They are so much younger than they used to
be when I was their age.  On  the other hand people my age are so much older
than I am.
	I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
that she didn't recognize me.
	I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection.  Really now,
they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
		Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
%
Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
		-- Frank Moore Colby
%
Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
		-- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
%
Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits
of the world.
		-- Schopenhauer
%
Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
%
Everybody has something to conceal.
		-- Humphrey Bogart
%
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
		-- Dykstra
%
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
%
Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement.
%
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
%
Everyone is a genius.  It's just that some people are too stupid to realize it.
%
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
%
Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
		-- Rudyard Kipling
%
Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it.
%
Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes to get them.
		-- Dirty Harry
%
Everyone was born right-handed.  Only the greatest overcome it.
%
Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
%
Evil is that which one believes of others.  It is a sin to believe evil
of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
Example is not the main thing in influencing others.  It is the only thing.
		-- Albert Schweitzer
%
	Excellence is THE trend of the '80s.  Walk into any shopping
mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
%
Excess on occasion is exhilarating.  It prevents moderation from
acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
		-- W. Somerset Maugham
%
Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
%
Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens
to you.
		-- Aldous Huxley
%
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
		-- Franklin P. Jones
%
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
%
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
%
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
%
Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
		-- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
%
Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
%
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
		-- Victor Hugo
%
Fess:	Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
	a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
Rod:	Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure.  But after all, isn't that the
	basic difference between robots and humans?
Fess:	What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
Rod:	No, the ability to get hung up on them.
		-- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
%
Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
		-- Josh Billings
%
For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be
always old-fashioned.
%
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
		-- Harrison
%
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
		-- R. Clopton
%
For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
		-- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
%
	"For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
	"Whose?"
	"MINE! HA-HA!"
%
For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
		-- Sir Thomas More
%
For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
get themselves filed.
		-- Clifton Fadiman
%
For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like.
%
For perfect happiness, remember two things:
	(1) Be content with what you've got.
	(2) Be sure you've got plenty.
%
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
		-- Abraham Lincoln
%
"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
phone calls taper off."
		-- Johnny Carson
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2

	If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
	you've made happy.
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21

	Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
	No, I guess not.
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6

	"But, soft!  What light through yonder window breaks?"
	It's nothing, honey.  Go back to sleep.
%
Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on tombstones, women
and competitors.
		-- Lord Thomas Dewar
%
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
		-- Thomas Jones
%
Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
over the other.
		-- Honore DeBalzac
%
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
%
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
		-- Elbert Hubbard
%
Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
%
Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
%
Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
		-- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
%
Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends, but quickly to their
misfortunes.
		-- Chilo
%
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
%
God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
%
Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
%
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
example.
		-- La Rouchefoucauld
%
Good judgement comes from experience.  Experience comes from bad judgement.
		-- Jim Horning
%
Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
		-- Joseph Alsop
%
Great minds run in great circles.
%
Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
%
Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
		-- Maurice Chevalier
%
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
%
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
%
Hate is like acid.  It can damage the vessel in which it is stored as well
as destroy the object on which it is poured.
%
Hate the sin and love the sinner.
		-- Mahatma Gandhi
%
Have no friends not equal to yourself.
		-- Confucius
%
Having no talent is no longer enough.
		-- Gore Vidal
%
He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation perfectly
delightful.
		-- Sydney Smith
%
He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and heavy
presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever
behaving "normally."
		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
%
He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
		-- John LeCarre 
%
He is considered a most graceful speaker who can say nothing in the most words.
%
He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
		-- Samuel Johnson
%
He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told, once when
it's explained, and once when he understands it.
%
He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
		-- Ring Lardner
%
He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
		-- Andrew Lang
%
He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
had fallen to the ground.
		-- The Book of Serenity
%
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
%
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
%
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
%
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
%
He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
%
He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
%
He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
%
He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
%
He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
%
He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
		-- Sinbad
%
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
		-- M.C. Escher
%
He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
%
"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
%
Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without getting
on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering her ways;
wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or regularity; dissatisfied
with her servants, without skill to make them better, and whether helping, or
reprimanding, or indulging them, without any power of engaging their respect.
		-- J. Austen
%
Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
I grow up.
		-- Peter Drucker
%
Hi!  I'm Larry.  This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
Jimbo.  We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
%
Higgins:	Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
Doolittle:	A little of both, Guv'nor.  Like the rest of us, a
		little of both.
		-- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
%
Hindsight is always 20:20.
		-- Billy Wilder
%
Hindsight is an exact science.
%
His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
%
His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
		-- Foghorn Leghorn
%
History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
time as bedroom farce.
%
History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
%
History repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.
%
Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.
		-- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
%
Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is
to a cockatoo.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
		-- Francis Bacon
%
Hope is a waking dream.
		-- Aristotle
%
Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
		-- M. Horner
%
How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards in reasoning,
and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
		-- A. Cooper
%
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
%
How many "coming men" has one known!  Where on earth do they all go to?
		-- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
%
However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
manner ... sulking and nausea.
		-- Tom K. Ryan
%
Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
		-- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
%
Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, 
responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and 
immature.
		-- Tom Robbins
%
Humans are communications junkies.  We just can't get enough.
		-- Alan Kay
%
Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
%
I allow the world to live as it chooses, and I allow myself to live as I
choose.
%
I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
good intellects.  Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
%
I always pass on good advice.  It is the only thing to do with it.
It is never any good to oneself.
		-- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
%
I always say beauty is only sin deep.
		-- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
%
I am an optimist.  It does not seem too much use being anything else.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
I am firm.  You are obstinate.  He is a pig-headed fool.
		-- Katharine Whitehorn
%
I am looking for a honest man.
		-- Diogenes the Cynic
%
"I am ready to meet my Maker.  Whether my Maker is prepared for the
great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
		-- Winston Churchill
%
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
		-- G.K. Chesterton
%
I call them as I see them.  If I can't see them, I make them up.
		-- Biff Barf
%
I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
		-- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
%
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write
faster than anybody who can write better.
		-- A.J. Liebling
%
I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
It isn't that I can't toddle.  It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
		-- Robert Benchley
%
I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
		-- Albert Anastasia
%
I can't understand it.  I can't even understand the people who can
understand it.
		-- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
%
I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.  I'm frightened
of the old ones.
		-- John Cage
%
I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
		-- Lillian Hellman
%
I consider the day misspent that I am not either charged with a crime,
or arrested for one.
		-- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
%
I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.  But maybe that's what
sophisticated is -- being tired.
		-- Rita Gain
%
"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
%
I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to
tell such LIES!
%
I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%
I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted.  Mythology
comes nearest to it of any.
		-- Henry David Thoreau
%
	"I don't know what you mean by 'glory'," Alice said.
	Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously.  "Of course you don't --
till I tell you.  I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'"
	"But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice
objected.
	"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
	"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
so many different things."
	"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master --
that's all."
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know
what his grandson will be.
		-- Abraham Lincoln
%
I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
%
I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
		-- Cash McCall
%
I don't mind arguing with myself.  It's when I lose that it bothers me.
		-- Richard Powers
%
I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
%
"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital.  On the other
hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
%
"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
to the sea and drown yourselves."

"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
you human beings don't."
		-- James Thurber
%
I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
%
I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
%
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
		-- Mae West
%
I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
		-- Beauregard Bugleboy
%
I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
		-- Butch Cassidy
%
I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of other people...
Certainty is just an emotion.
		-- Hal Clement
%
I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know
how bad I am.
		-- Samuel Johnson
%
I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
there's nothing else to do.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
to sit still in a room.
		-- Blaise Pascal
%
I have found little that is good about human beings.  In my experience
most of them are trash.
		-- Sigmund Freud
%
I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
		-- Edgar Allan Poe
%
I have learned silence from the talkative,
toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
		-- Kahlil Gibran
%
I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming
that I have never made one.
		-- James Gordon Bennett
%
I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
own eyes.  What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
of himself.  To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
%
I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
take one along that worked.
		-- Raymond Chandler
%
I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
		-- Schulz
%
	I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
of others, and all positive assertion of my own.  I even forbade myself the use
of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc.   I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
at present".
	When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
immediately some absurdity in his proposition.  In answering I began by
observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
but in the present case there appeared or semed to me some difference, etc.
	I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly.  The modest way in which I
proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
happened to be in the right.
		-- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
%
"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but don't
let appearances fool you.  I'm approaching old age ... at the speed of light."
		-- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
%
I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
%
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
		-- Mickey Cohen
%
I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
		-- Alexandre Dumas, fils
%
I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
		-- William F. Buckley
%
I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for:  If
they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
crude.  I'm a very technical boy.  So I decided to get as crude as possible.
These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
aspire to crudeness.
		-- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
%
"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which actually
made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
		-- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
		   Points in l'Amour"
%
I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
I think I'm schizophrenic.  One half of me's paranoid and the other half's
out to get him.
%
I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
the quest.
		-- Madeleine Gobeil
%
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
my body.  Then I realized who was telling me this.
		-- Emo Phillips
%
I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
%
I will follow the good side right to the fire, but not into it if I can
help it.
		-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
%
I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
listen to it!
		-- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
%
I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
		-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
%
I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
%
I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
that good.
		-- Amy Gorin
%
"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL
soon ..."
%
I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
%
I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
%
I'm sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
%
I'm successful because I'm lucky.   The harder I work, the luckier I get.
%
I've already told you more than I know.
%
I've found my niche.  If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
this little hole in the bottom ...
		-- John Croll
%
I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
%
I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
on the same day.
%
"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"
		-- Senator Claghorn
%
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
solitary confinement.
%
If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
		-- Thomas Wolfe
%
If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
%
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
%
If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the
airport.
		-- George Winters
%
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
%
If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, He wouldn't have given you such
a vivid imagination.
%
If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
		-- Marvin Kitman
%
If he should ever change his faith, it'll be because he no longer thinks
he's God.
%
If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
		-- Jerry Muscha
%
If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
		-- Mary Wilson Little
%
If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
		-- A. Einstein.
%
If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
		-- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use
		of the Young"
%
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
%
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
having to accomplish anything.
%
If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
%
If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
%
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
then we are a sorry lot indeed.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
If people see that you mean them no harm, they'll never hurt you, nine
times out of ten!
%
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
%
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
%
If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
%
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.  If
the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.  If the
bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
exceed all expectations.
		-- Reverend Chichester
%
If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
		-- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
%
If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
%
If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
%
"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."
%
If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us with alarm clocks.
%
If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
		-- Ann Edwards-Duff
%
If you are honest because honesty is the best policy, your honesty is corrupt.
%
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then
you clearly don't understand the situation.
%
If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
%
If you cannot in the long run tell everyone what you have been doing,
your doing was worthless.
		-- Edwim Schrodinger
%
If you continually give you will continually have.
%
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
%
If you didn't have most of your friends, you wouldn't have most of
your problems.
%
If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
		-- Carlyle
%
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
%
If you don't do it, you'll never know what would have happened if you
had done it.
%
If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
%
If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
		-- Clarence Day
%
If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
		-- Freeman Dyson
%
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
%
If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
		-- Calvin Coolidge
%
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
%
If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
%
If you float on instinct alone, how can you calculate the buoyancy for
the computed load?
		-- Christopher Hodder-Williams
%
If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, so as not to disturb those
around you.
%
If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
%
If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
boot yourself in the posterior.
		-- A.J. Liebling, "The Press"
%
If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
rubbish into it.
		-- William Orton
%
If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
		-- Garrison Keillor
%
If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
		-- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
%
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
really make them think they'll hate you.
%
If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
		-- Schmidt
%
If you notice that a person is deceiving you, they must not be
deceiving you very well.
%
If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
schizophrenia.
		-- Thomas Szasz
%
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
%
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
		-- Arthur Kasspe
%
If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
lack sufficient imagination.
%
If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
%
If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
%
If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
heartbeats.
%
If you would understand your own age, read the works of fiction produced
in it.  People in disguise speak freely.
%
If you're careful enough, nothing bad or good will ever happen to you.
%
If you're constantly being mistreated, you're cooperating with the treatment.
%
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow
morning, sleep late.
		-- Henny Youngman
%
If you're happy, you're successful.
%
If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker know the truth of
the matter about which he is to speak?
		-- Plato
%
In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
in matters of taste, swim with the current.
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%
In most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present.
%
In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
		-- Alan Kay
%
In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not displeasing
to us.
		-- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
%
In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.  So, I may
as well be me.  Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
%
In this world there are only two tragedies.  One is not getting what one
wants, and the other is getting it.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one likes oneself.
		-- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
%
Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
%
Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
		-- Bernard Cooke
%
It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something
from the floor while you get up.
%
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
done and what you're going to do.
%
It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
It has been said that man is a rational animal.  All my life I have
been searching for evidence which could support this.
		-- Bertrand Russell
%
It is all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it
now and then.
		-- Richard Armour
%
It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
you are an exceptionally good liar.
		-- Jerome K. Jerome
%
It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
%
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be 
coming up it.
		-- Henry Allen
%
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
%
It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
		-- George Santayana
%
It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
		-- Aeschylus
%
It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
holds back one who is hastening.  Rather one should befriend the guest who
is there, but speed him when he wishes.
		-- Homer, "The Odyssey"
 
	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to scheduling.]
%
It is exactly because a man cannot do a thing that he is a proper judge of it.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without
your help.
		-- Miss Manners
%
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
		-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
%
It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
%
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
%
It is indeed desirable to be well descended, but the glory belongs to
our ancestors.
		-- Plutarch
%
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well.
		-- Rene Descartes
%
It is not enough to have great qualities, we should also have the
management of them.
		-- La Rochefoucauld
%
It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
		-- Proverbs 19:2
%
It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
		-- Grace Murray Hopper
%
It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
		-- Cervantes
%
It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their dignity.
%
It is only the great men who are truly obscene.  If they had not dared
to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
		-- Havelock Ellis
%
It is the business of little minds to shrink.
		-- Carl Sandburg
%
It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will set an house on fire,
and it were but to roast their eggs.
		-- Francis Bacon
%
It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
		-- Francis Bacon
%
It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
%
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether II win or lose.
		-- Darrin Weinberg
%
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
good either if you speak when your head is empty.
%
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
%
It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
%
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people.  The good ones slept
better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
		-- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
%
It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
%
It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
%
It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
		-- Crazy Charlie
%
It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
%
It takes less time to do a thing right than it does to explain why you
did it wrong.
		-- H.W. Longfellow
%
It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
%
It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human nature
and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant examples.
		-- Charles Dickens
%
It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
%
It's amazing how many people you could be friends with if only they'd
make the first approach.
%
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
%
It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
		-- Michael Arlen
%
It's bad enough that life is a rat-race, but why do the rats always have to win?
%
It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
		-- Tom Stoppard
%
It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
		-- Marty Winch
%
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
%
It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being 
right.
%
It's hard not to like a man of many qualities, even if most of them are bad.
%
It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
%
It's hard to keep your shirt on when you're getting something off your chest.
%
It's interesting to think that many quite distinguished people have
bodies similar to yours.
%
It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
		-- Roger Noe
%
It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, society will
take full responsibility for you.
%
It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
%
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
%
Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't going
to get hit.
		-- Joey
%
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
%
"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"
		-- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
%
Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt of all the others, and then
do what's best.
		-- Lovers and Other Strangers
%
Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a faster rat!!
%
Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
		-- Michael J. Wagner
%
Keep cool, but don't freeze.
		-- Hellman's Mayonnaise
%
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
Open it and you remove all doubt.
%
Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
%
Lack of money is the root of all evil.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
	By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
times.  In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300.  She set the new record while
driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
Yorkshire.  Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
Last guys don't finish nice.
		-- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
%
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
		-- Victor Borge
%
Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
%
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
		-- James Thurber
%
Let's do it.
		-- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
%
Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
change his bed.
		-- Charles Baudelaire
%
Life is a series of rude awakenings.
		-- R.V. Winkle
%
Life is a serious burden, which no thinking, humane person would
wantonly inflict on someone else.
		-- Clarence Darrow
%
Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.
%
Life is like bein' on a mule team.  Unless you're the lead mule, all the
scenery looks about the same.
%
"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
weren't for other people"
		-- Blore
%
Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that.  On the
other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
religions.
		-- Benjamin Spock
%
	Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
into the saloon.  As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'!  Run fer yer lives!"
	Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open.  An enormous man, standing over
eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
rattlesnake for a whip.  Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
	The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar.  He then stood aghast as
the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
smacked his lips with relish.
	"Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
	"Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted.  "Big Mike's
a-comin'."
%
Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
		-- Charles D'Hericault
%
Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
		-- Louise Beal
%
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
%
Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
		-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
		-- Bergan Evans
%
Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
		-- Daniel Hudson Burnham
%
Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
		-- Wernher von Braun
%
Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
		-- Fred Allen
%
Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
%
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
		-- Lily Tomlin
%
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
		-- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
%
Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal
that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they
ought to be.
		-- William Hazlitt
%
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
is an enemy.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
%
Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual conflict between
the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
		-- Sydney J. Harris
%
Many a family tree needs trimming.
%
Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will get a respectful
hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
		-- Finley Peter Dunne
%
Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured.  For instance,
the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
read.  [...]  The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute.  They
are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
successively.  The counting is reserved for the fidgets.  These observations
should be confined to persons of middle age.  Children are rarely still,
while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
		-- Francis Galton, 1909
%
Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice which will
recommend that they do what they want to do.
%
Many people are secretly interested in life.
%
Many people feel that if you won't let them make you happy, they'll make you
suffer.
%
Many people feel that they deserve some kind of recognition for all the
bad things they haven't done.
%
Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
%
Many receive advice, few profit by it.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
%
May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
%
Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
"Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes."
%
Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
%
Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
and tears.  ...  It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
and acts that are contrary to habit...
		-- Hippocrates "The Sacred Disease"
%
Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings, and speech only to
conceal their thoughts.
		-- Voltaire
%
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a
rainy Sunday afternoon.
		-- Susan Ertz
%
Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
%
Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; it's lovely to be silly
at the right moment.
		-- Horace
%
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
%
Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
		-- J.K. Galbraith
%
More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
		-- Vauvenargues
%
More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
		-- R.S. Surtees
%
Most of our lives are about proving something, either to ourselves or to
someone else.
%
Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking difficulties
before we get to them.
		-- Dr. Frank Crane
%
Most of your faults are not your fault.
%
Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
%
Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
%
Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
than they do.
		-- Turgenev
%
Most people deserve each other.
		-- Shirley
%
Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
%
Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
only by the disinclination of others to listen.  Reserve is an artificial
quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
		-- W.S. Maugham
%
Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
%
Most people have two reasons for doing anything -- a good reason, and
the real reason.
%
Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are, at best,
reformed or potential lunatics.
		-- Susan Sontag
%
Most people need some of their problems to help take their mind off
some of the others.
%
Most people prefer certainty to truth.
%
Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before.
%
Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
talk about after dinner.
		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
%
My brain is my second favorite organ.
		-- Woody Allen
%
My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say.
And then say it with the utmost levity.
		-- G.B. Shaw
%
My mind can never know my body, although it has become quite friendly
with my legs.
		-- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
%
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
%
My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
My philosophy is: Don't think.
		-- Charles Manson
%
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's
character, give him power.
		-- Abraham Lincoln
%
Needs are a function of what other people have.
%
Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
%
Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
%
Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
%
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
%
Never explain.  Your friends do not need it and your enemies will never
believe you anyway.
		-- Elbert Hubbard
%
Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
		-- Marlo Thomas
%
Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
%
Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
%
Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
%
Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
%
Never kick a man, unless he's down.
%
Never leave anything to chance; make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
%
Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
%
Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
that subject.
		-- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
%
Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
%
Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
%
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
%
Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're absolutely sure they'll
never find out the truth.
%
Nezvannyi gost'--khuzhe tatarina.
	[An uninvited guest is worse than the Mongol invasion]
		-- Russian proverb
%
Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
		-- Foghorn Leghorn
%
No character, however upright, is a match for constantly reiterated attacks,
however false.
		-- Alexander Hamilton
%
No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that he will not become a
nuisance after three days.
		-- Titus Maccius Plautus
%
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
%
No man is useless who has a friend, and if we are loved we are indispensable.
		-- Robert Louis Stevenson
%
No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
		-- E.W. Howe
%
No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
%
No one becomes depraved in a moment.
		-- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
%
No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
dirty little beast.
		-- W.S. Gilbert
%
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
		-- Eleanor Roosevelt
%
No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
%
"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
%
No one knows what he can do till he tries.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
		-- Quintus Ennius
%
No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
one who's giving it.
		-- Hal Chadwick
%
No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
%
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
%
No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
		-- Quintus Ennius
%
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
%
Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
		-- Kin Hubbard
%
Nobody is one block of harmony.  We are all afraid of something, or feel
limited in something.  We all need somebody to talk to.  It would be good
if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk.  We
shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
		-- Liv Ullman
%
Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
%
Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
		-- Roy Harper
%
Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with
constructive praise.
%
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
Conscience makes egotists of us all.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
		-- Quentin Crisp
%
O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for Thou knowest we will
never change our minds.
%
Objects are lost only because people look where they are not rather than
where they are.
%
Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
%
Oh this age!  How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
		-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
%
Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
Born under one law, to another bound.
		-- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
%
"Oh, yes.  The important thing about having lots of things to  remember is
that you've got to go somewhere afterwards where you can remember them, you
see?  You've got to stop.  You haven't really been anywhere until you've got
back home.  I think that's what I mean."
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
%
Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
		-- B. Baruch
%
Old age is the harbor of all ills.
		-- Bion
%
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
		-- Trotsky
%
Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
%
Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for their
inability to set a bad example.
		-- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
%
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
created jerks.
		-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
%
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's
listening.
		-- Franklin P. Jones
%
One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
		-- Helen Keller
%
One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
%
One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
a rivalry of aim.
		-- Henry Brook Adams
%
One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
		-- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
%
One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
		-- Gustave Droz
%
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
%
One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
		-- Clifton Fadiman
%
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
%
One of the large consolations for experiencing anything unpleasant is
the knowledge that one can communicate it.
		-- Joyce Carol Oates
%
One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid.  He was
reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
time, which obviously worried him, hence the act.  He preferred people to be
puzzled rather than contemptuous.  This above all appeared to Trillian to be
genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
need no answer.
		-- George Gordon, Lord Byron
%
One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
%
One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
because they bite.
		-- Vladimir Il'ich Lenin
%
Only a fool has no doubts.
%
Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
		-- Laurence Peter
%
Only fools are quoted.
		-- Anonymous
%
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
to use the editorial "we".
		-- Mark Twain
%
Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of an
elephant.
%
Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
		-- Hannah Arendt
%
Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is
paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
%
Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
%
Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
to people you could not have possibly met.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
%
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
%
Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
		-- Immanuel Kant
%
Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
%
Paranoia is heightened awareness.
%
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
%
Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
%
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy
to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
		-- D.J. Hicks
%
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
		-- Eric Hoffer
%
Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
%
Pelorat sighed.
	"I will never understand people."
	"There's nothing to it.  All you have to do is take a close look
at yourself and you will understand everyone else.  How would Seldon have
worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
weren't easy to understand?  You show me someone who can't understand
people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
-- no offense intended."
		-- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
%
People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
attention) have often been likened to snowflakes.  This analogy is meant to
suggest that each is unique -- no two alike.  This is quite patently not the
case.  People ... are simply a dime a dozen.  And, I hasten to add, their
only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
%
People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
%
People don't change; they only become more so.
%
People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
times, four time, five times...
%
People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
		-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
People need good lies.  There are too many bad ones.
		-- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
%
People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the
future.
%
People respond to people who respond.
%
People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
*know* me there!
		-- D.L. Roth
%
People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
have been left out on the pleasure.
		-- Russell Baker
%
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
%
People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never
slept in a room with a single mosquito.
%
People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
		-- Abigail Van Buren
%
People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking
advantage of them.
%
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't
what they want that they don't want it.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
%
People who push both buttons should get their wish.
%
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
%
People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have cold baths.
%
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
%
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin
Franklin said it first.
%
People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
did yesterday.
%
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
%
Perhaps the world's second worst crime is boredom.  The first is being a bore.
		-- Cecil Beaton
%
Personifiers of the world, unite!  You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
		-- Bernadette Bosky
%
Please don't put a strain on our friendship by asking me to do something
for you.
%
Please don't recommend me to your friends-- it's difficult enough to
cope with you alone.
%
Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle, I sometimes forget which
side I'm on.
%
Practically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle their thinking.
		-- Mary Poppins
%
Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
%
Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their
minds cannot change anything.
		-- G.B. Shaw
%
Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
%
Put your trust in those who are worthy.
%
Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
"Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.  After what you all have done,
I find being 'inhuman' a compliment."
		-- Spider Robinson, "Callahan's Secret"
%
Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
%
Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
%
... relaxed in the manner of a man who has no need to put up a front of
any kind.
		-- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
%
Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
		-- Dave Butler
%
Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
%
Revenge is a meal best served cold.
%
	"Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
	"He was going to suck my blood!"
	"Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
if they don't live our way."
...
	"The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
happens to be impossible.  The phrase is hurt somebody else.  We choose,
ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what.  Us who decides.
Nobody else.  My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him?  That's
his decision to be hurt, that's his choice.  What you do about it is your
decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
through his heart.  If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
in whatever way he wants.  It goes on and on, choices, choices."
	"When you look at it that way..."
	"Listen," he said, "it's important.  We are all.  Free.  To do.
Whatever.  We want.  To do."
		-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
%
Rincewind looked down at him and grinned slowly.  It was a wide, manic, and
utterly humourless rictus.  It was the sort of grin that is normally
accompanied by small riverside birds wandering in and out, picking scraps
out of the teeth.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Lure of the Wyrm"
%
Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
%
Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
		-- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
%
Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
%
Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
		-- Mark Harrold
%
Say no, then negotiate.
		-- Helga
%
Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
%
Scenery is here, wish you were beautiful.
%
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
%
Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
%
"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist.  I mean, kind of ... in a way ..."
%
Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
		-- Graham Greene
%
Serenity through viciousness.
%
Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: always to try to be a
little kinder than is necessary?
		-- J.M. Barrie
%
Shame is an improper emotion invented by pietists to oppress the human race.
		-- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
%
She often gave herself very good advice (though she very seldom followed it).
		-- Lewis Carroll
%
Short people get rained on last.
%
Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
%
Sin boldly.
		-- Martin Luther
%
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
%
Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.  All other "sins" are
invented nonsense.  (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
		-- Lazarus Long
%
Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're alive.
		-- John Sloan
%
Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
		-- Bob "Mountain" Beck
%
Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
%
So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
		-- T.S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
%
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the
town gossip.
%
Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
%
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men
have mediocrity thrust upon them.
		-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
%
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
%
Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
		-- Samuel Butler
%
Some of the things that live the longest in peoples' memories never
really happened.
%
Some people around here wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.
%
Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
%
Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
%
Some people have parts that are so private they themselves have no
knowledge of them.
%
Some people's mouths work faster than their brains.  They say things they
haven't even thought of yet.
%
Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
%
Someone will try to honk your nose today.
%
Something better...

 1 (obvious): Excuse me.  Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover.  She's going to blow.
 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore 
	something larger.  Like ... Wyoming.
 4 (personal): Well, here we are.  Just the three of us.
 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen.  Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
	minutes late.
 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you.  Gosh.  To be able to smell your
	own ear.
 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir.  Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
	mind putting that thing away.
 8 (philosophical): You know.  It's not the size of a nose that's important.
	It's what's in it that matters.
 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Sneeze and it's goodbye,
	Seattle.
10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
11 (polite): Ah.  Would you mind not bobbing your head.  The orchestra keeps
	changing tempo.
12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
		-- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
%
Something better...

13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened?  Did your parents lose a bet with God?
14 (complimentary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to
	perch on.
15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.
17 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?
18 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you
	leave.
19 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once.
20 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He.
21 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair?
22 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine!
23 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the
	coffee ... in Brazil.
24 (appreciative): Oooo, how original.  Most people just have their teeth
	capped.
25 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?
		-- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
%
Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
world.
		-- Robert Stone
%
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
		-- Lily Tomlin
%
Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
else is driving.
		-- David Letterman
%
Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
%
Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
		-- Dave Millman
%
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
		-- W.C. Fields
%
Start the day with a smile.  After that you can be your nasty old self again.
%
Stay together, drag each other down.
%
Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.  Say, do you
have a map to the next joint?
%
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
%
Stupidity is its own reward.
%
Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
%
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way
before it is understood.
%
Success is a journey, not a destination.
%
Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
%
Success is in the minds of Fools.
		-- William Wrenshaw, 1578
%
Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.
		-- T.S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
%
Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
%
Such a fine first dream!
But they laughed at me; they said
I had made it up.
%
Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
%
Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
		-- Donald Kaul
%
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
%
Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
%
Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
%
Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
		-- Jean Cocteau
%
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
hole in his head.
%
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
%
Take a lesson from the whale; the only time he gets speared is when he
raises to spout.
%
Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
%
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
		-- Euripides
%
Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than
a gallon of vinegar.
		-- B. Franklin
%
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
%
Tell me what to think!!!
%
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting
a falsehood, isn't it?
		-- A. Hope
%
"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"
		-- Foghorn Leghorn
%
That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
		-- Moliere
%
That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
%
That's always the way when you discover something new; everyone thinks
you're crazy.
		-- Evelyn E. Smith
%
The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level.  I think it is ignorance that
makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre.  For surely
anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
		-- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
%
The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
he is already degraded.
		-- George Orwell
%
The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
		-- Albertano of Brescia
%
The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
%
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
the morning feeling just terrible.
		-- Jean Kerr
%
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
		-- Blair
%
The best portion of a good man's life, his little, nameless, unremembered acts
of kindness and love.
		-- Wordsworth
%
The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
drifting side by side to our common doom.
		-- Clarence Darrow
%
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
%
The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
%
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
%
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
%
The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred.
%
The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
%
The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
and humiliating reality.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is none
of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."  Don't use
excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.  Cutting his throat
is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
%
The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
thinking everyone is out to get you.  That's normal -- they are.  Paranoia
is thinking that they're conspiring.
		-- J. Kegler
%
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
%
The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
rabbit on the road.  Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
		-- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
%
The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
%
The distinction between true and false appears to become increasingly
blurred by... the pollution of the language.
		-- Arne Tiselius
%
The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe because
it lives in a forest.  Likewise the friendship of persons rests on mutual help.
		-- Laukikanyay.
%
The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
of both parties tactfully interferes.
		-- G.K. Chesterton
%
The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
is your move.
		-- Frank Crane
%
The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
		-- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
%
The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
answered themselves.
		-- Arthur Binstead
%
The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
%
The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
%
The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of
relatives on the train for home.
%
The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
		-- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
%
... the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
%
The help people need most urgently is help in admitting that they need help.
%
The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
keeps the blood at heat.  Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
of innocence.  To yield to its blandishments is so easy.  The wrong, it seems,
is venial...  Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
adventurous youth.
		-- Benjamin Cardozo
%
The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange
protein -- it rejects it.
		-- P. Medawar
%
The human race never solves any of its problems.  It merely outlives them.
		-- David Gerrold
%
The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
		-- Quintus Ennius
%
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
%
The kind of danger people most enjoy is the kind they can watch from
a safe place.
%
The knowledge that makes us cherish innocence makes innocence unattainable.
		-- Irving Howe
%
The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand.
		-- Fred Allen
%
The Least Successful Defrosting Device
	The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
	"I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock.  Somehow my lips
got stuck fast."
	While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
was all right.  "Alra?  Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
	"I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
	He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
constant hot breathing brought freedom.  He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
Lips".
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The Lord prefers common-looking people.  That is the reason that He makes
so many of them.
		-- Abraham Lincoln
%
The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
The major advances in civilization are processes that all but wreck the
societies in which they occur.
		-- A.N. Whitehead
%
The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
		-- H.G. Wells, "Time After Time"
%
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
		-- Carl Jung
%
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
%
The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
being who produces the impressions.
		-- Marquis D.A.F. de Sade
%
The more I know men the more I like my horse.
%
The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
		-- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696
%
The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.
%
The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
		-- Alfred De Musset
%
The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
%
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
		-- Lucille S. Harper
%
The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
%
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
%
The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
brings wisdom.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint
has a past and every sinner has a future.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
%
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
%
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.  It is never any
use to oneself.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
and guilt.
		-- Elvis Costello
%
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
%
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
The opposite of talking isn't listening.  The opposite of talking is waiting.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
%
The people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible
enough to give none.
%
The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly -- not just
when you occasionally are that way, but also when you waver, when you
forget yourself, act like less than you are. In time, you become more
like his vision of you -- which is the person you have always wanted to be.
		-- Nancy Friday
%
The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
trying to stop yourself going mad.  You might just as well give in and
save your sanity for later.
%
... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
charity we can only call "inhuman."
		-- R. A. Lafferty
%
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
%
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
		-- Elizabeth Taylor
%
The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
thoughts about their neighbours.
		-- F.H. Bradley
%
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all progress
depends on the unreasonable man.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.  This
means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
%
"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
%
The second best policy is dishonesty.
%
The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
%
The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
%
The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay.
%
The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence.  He
can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
existence recurring eternally.  The second characteristic of such a man is
that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition --
that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
He creates himself by fashoning his own values; he has the pride to live
by the values he wills.
		-- Nietzsche
%
The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have yet to learn
-- only the savage fears what he does not understand.
		-- The Silver Surfer
%
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
		-- Nietzsche
%
The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
%
The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
2. Is it amusing?  3. Does it know its place?
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
%
The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
the other fellow of a dull one.
		-- Sid Caesar
%
The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
		-- Andre Malraux
%
The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
		-- Nathaniel Howe
%
The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
%
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
%
The wise man seeks everything in himself; the ignorant man tries to get
everything from somebody else.
%
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
%
The wonderful thing about a dancing bear is not how well he dances,
but that he dances at all.
%
The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an
open doorway with an open mind.
		-- E.B. White
%
The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
%
The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
		-- G.B. Shaw
%
The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
		-- King Lear
%
The worst part of having success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.
		-- Bette Midler
%
The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
		-- G.B. Shaw
%
The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.
		-- William Butler Yeats
%
The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants and
not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could
have materialized -- and never knowing.
		-- David Viscott
%
	Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
sleep...  And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
his real problems.
	The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
	The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
stand to live with.
		-- R. Geis
%
There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endure
to be thought so.
%
There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
friend.  They may know something that we don't.  They are probably
avoiding a great deal of pain.
%
There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
		-- Eugene Ionesco
%
There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
%
There are no great men, buster.  There are only men.
		-- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
%
There are no great men, only great challenges that ordinary men are forced
by circumstances to meet.
		-- Admiral William Halsey
%
There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
		-- Helen Rowland
%
There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the
truth without lying.
		-- Josh Billings
%
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad.  The good
sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
		-- Woody Allen
%
There comes a time to stop being angry.
		-- A Small Circle of Friends
%
There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery is, if not an antidote,
at least an alleviation.  If you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
	--Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles
%
There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
There is brutality and there is honesty.  There is no such thing as brutal
honesty.
%
There is no delight the equal of dread.  As long as it is somebody else's.
		--Clive Barker
%
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
%
There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
%
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
%
There is no such thing as inner peace.  There is only nervousness or death.
Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
%
There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
		-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
%
There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who comes
to visit.
%
There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
and that word is blackmail.
		-- Colm Brogan
%
There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly
divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not.
		-- Robert Benchley
%
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness.  Too bad it's not a fence.
%
There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
%
There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
%
There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
%
Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
		-- Machiavelli
%
They also serve who only stand and wait.
		-- John Milton
%
They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see
nothing but sea.
		-- Francis Bacon
%
"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
%
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
%
"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really.  They'd be difficult to like."
		-- Avon
%
Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
		-- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
%
This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.  We have emotional moving vans.
		-- Bruce Feirstein
%
This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his mother's
side.  I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry often have little
else to sustain them.  Humoring them costs nothing and adds happiness in
a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
%
Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
		-- W.S. Krabill
%
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
		-- George Santayana
%
Those who don't know, talk.  Those who don't talk, know.
%
Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
%
To any truly impartial person, it would be obvious that I am always right.
%
To be great is to be misunderstood.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
To be is to be related.
		-- C.J. Keyser.
%
To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
%
To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
%
To be wise, the only thing you really need to know is when to say
"I don't know."
%
To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize
the competent.
%
To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient
solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
		-- H. Poincar'e
%
To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
		-- Norman Douglas
%
To keep your friends treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often.
%
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
%
To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
%
To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
%
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn
old falsehoods.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
%
To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
%
Too clever is dumb.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
%
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
		-- Henrik Tikkanen
%
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
%
Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
%
Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
		-- Alan Watts
%
Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag.  Let me, then, straightforwardly
state the thesis I shall now elaborate: Making variations on a theme is
really the crux of creativity.
		-- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
%
Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
		-- e.e. cummings
%
Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."

Orac: "It is unlikely.  I would predict there are far greater mistakes
      waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
%
Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on.  But now and then
there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
frying pan.  Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
		-- Tom Robbins
%
Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- only the willingness
to make it when necessary.
		-- Frederick Dunn
%
Virtue is its own punishment.
		-- Denniston

Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
		-- Aneurin Bevan
%
Virtue is not left to stand alone.  He who practices it will have neighbors.
		-- Confucius
%
Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
		-- La Rochefoucauld
%
Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
		-- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
%
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime.
For a first offense, that is.
%
Walk softly and carry a BFG-9000.
%
Walk softly and carry a big stick.
		-- Theodore Roosevelt
%
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
%
We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
%
We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
%
We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
		-- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
%
We are all born mad.  Some remain so.
		-- Samuel Beckett
%
We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
%
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
		-- A. Schweitzer
%
We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
		-- Ray Bradbury
%
We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
		-- Whole Earth Catalog
%
We are each only one drop in a great ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
%
We are not loved by our friends for what we are; rather, we are loved in
spite of what we are.
		-- Victor Hugo
%
We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
		-- Jonathon Swift
%
We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and share a
spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft our immortality
and interweave our destinies of water and air, leaving shadows that gather
color of their own, until they outshine the substance that cast them.
%
We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
		-- La Rochefoucauld
%
We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent than from the
machinations of the wicked.
%
We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
	-- Eric Hoffer
%
We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect
their good judgement.
%
We only acknowledge small faults in order to make it appear that we are
free from great ones.
		-- La Rouchefoucauld
%
We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
forgotten its source.
		-- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
%
We prefer to speak evil of ourselves rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
%
We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
%
We read to say that we have read.
%
We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best
friends are trying to kill us.
%
We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
		-- Thucydides
%
We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
		-- Jean de la Bruyere
%
We thrive on euphemism.  We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative".  In
fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie".  And now, here
are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:

EUPHEMISM			REALITY
-------------------		-------------------------
Excited about life's journey	No concept of reality
Spiritually evolved		Oversensitive
Moody				Manic-depressive
Soulful				Quiet manic-depressive
Poet				Boring manic-depressive
Sultry/Sensual			Easy
Uninhibited			Lacking basic social skills
Unaffected and earthy		Slob and lacking basic social skills
Irreverent			Nasty and lacking basic social skills
Very human			Quasimodo's best friend
Swarthy				Sweaty even when cold or standing still
Spontaneous/Eclectic		Scatterbrained
Flexible			Desperate
Aging child			Self-centered adult
Youthful			Over 40 and trying to deny it
Good sense of humor		Watches a lot of television
%
Well, I'm disenchanted too.  We're all disenchanted.
		-- James Thurber
%
Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
a grin.
		-- F.M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
%
What do I consider a reasonable person to be?  I'd say a reasonable person
is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
that into account when dealing with others.  Implicit in this definition is
the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
%
What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
		-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
	What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
repulsion.  You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run.  Conversely,
all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
and they remain permanent influences on your life.
	Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
as familiar wallpaper or instant friend.  The chemical action it entails is
less worth analyzing than enjoying.  At any rate, these six pieces are about
men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
		-- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
%
What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity.  We are all formed
of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
is the first law of nature.
		-- Voltaire
%
What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think
themselves cleverer than we are.
%
What on earth would a man do with himself if something did not stand in his way?
		-- H.G. Wells
%
What upsets me is not that you lied to me, but that from now on I can no
longer believe you.
		-- Nietzsche
%
What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
		-- John Lubbock
%
What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
your control.  But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control.  If you feel
powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
with as you will.
		-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
%
What's the matter with the world?  Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
with every one of us -- and that's "selfishness."
		-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
What's this stuff about people being "released on their own recognizance"?
Aren't we all out on our own recognizance?
%
What, after all, is a halo?  It's only one more thing to keep clean.
		-- Christopher Fry
%
Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
other people.
		-- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
%
Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
%
When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his
mind wonderfully.
		-- Samuel Johnson
%
When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
with changing conditions.  When a man you don't like does it, he is a
liar who has broken his promises.
		-- Franklin Adams
%
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
%
When among apes, one must play the ape.
%
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them.
%
When in doubt, do it.  It's much easier to apologize than to get permission.
		-- Grace Murray Hopper
%
When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
%
When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
%
When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
		-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
%
When you dig another out of trouble, you've got a place to bury your own.
%
When you jump for joy, beware that no-one moves the ground from beneath
your feet.
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
%
When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
%
When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the
impression you will make.
%
WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years.  Struggle
to become a parrot or something.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
%
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, you can be pretty sure
that they're not using it.
%
... whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
		-- Richard Shelton
%
While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
admission to someone else.
%
While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
%
While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
correctness never does.
%
While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
		-- Dean Rusk
%
While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
reassuring to know that it's still there.
%
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
become a monster.  And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
into you.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
%
Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?
%
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
avoid responsibility with?
%
Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
are another's.
		 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
%
Why was I born with such contemporaries?
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she kissed her cow.
		-- Rabelais
%
Will your long-winded speeches never end?
What ails you that you keep on arguing?
		-- Job 16:3
%
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
%
With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
try to be a fraud and a half.
		-- Otto von Bismark
%
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
%
Words must be weighed, not counted.
%
Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair -- It gives you something to do,
but it doesn't get you anywhere.
%
Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
		-- Anonymous
%
Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most astonishin'
things to preserve their respectability.  Thank God I'm not respectable.
		-- Ruthven Campbell Todd
%
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
%
Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
%
You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
		-- Philip Whalen
%
You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
		-- Sherlock Holmes
%
You are not a fool just because you have done something foolish --
only if the folly of it escapes you.
%
You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
%
You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
%
You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
		-- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
%
You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
		-- Janis Joplin
%
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
%
You can't cheat an honest man.  Never give a sucker an even break or
smarten up a chump.
		-- W.C. Fields
%
You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
%
You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
		-- Peter Frampton
%
You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
		-- Ayn Rand
%
You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
		-- Booker T. Washington
%
You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
		-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
%
You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
		-- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
%
You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.  You get spastic
enough worrying about what's happening now.
		-- Lauren Bacall
%
"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't."
		-- Dagwood Bumstead
%
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
%
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
%
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
%
You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
		-- Indira Gandhi
%
You cannot use your friends and have them too.
%
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
and last month in advance.
%
You don't have to be nice to people on the way up if you're not planning on
coming back down.
		-- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
%
You don't have to explain something you never said.
		-- Calvin Coolidge
%
You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me 
from your own life.  May it all turn out to your happiness.
		-- Goethe
%
You got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going,
because you might not get there.
		-- Yogi Berra
%
You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
		-- John Viscount Morley
%
You humans are all alike.
%
You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
		-- Dylan Thomas
%
You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
		-- Maharbal
%
You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
%
You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
		-- Dean Webber
%
You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
		-- Garfield
%
You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language is revenge.
		-- Peter Beard
%
You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
		-- E.A. Gilliam
%
You know you're in trouble when...
(1)	You wake up face down on the pavement.
(2)	Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
(3)	You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
		out of the city.
(4)	Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
(5)	You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
		remember that you don't have a waterbed.
(6)	Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
%
You know you're in trouble when...
(1)	You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your 
		skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
		Especially if you're a man.
(2)	Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
(3)	Your income tax check bounces.
(4)	You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
(5)	Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
(6)	You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
		after you bought a waterbed.
(7)	You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
		clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party 
		for your spouse.
%
You know you're in trouble when...
(1)	Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
		follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
(2)	You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party 
		and there aren't any.
(3)	Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
(4)	The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
(5)	You wake up and your braces are locked together.
(6)	Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
%
You know you're in trouble when...
(1)	Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind 
		her own business.
(2)	You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
(3)	You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
(4)	You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
(5)	Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
(6)	Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to 
		flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
(7)	You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
%
You know your apartment is small...
	when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
	you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
	you have to go outside to change your mind.
	you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
%
You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
		-- Sydney Harris
%
You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with him.
		-- Ed Howe
%
You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success.
You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white
plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised
as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
		-- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
%
You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
to his own concept of the obligations of manhood.  All other loyalties
are merely deputies of that one.
		-- Nero Wolfe
%
You never gain something but that you lose something.
		-- Thoreau
%
You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
%
You never go anywhere without your soul.
%
You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
		-- William Blake
%
You never learn anything by doing it right.
%
You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could
know how seldom they do.
		-- Olin Miller.
%
	"You say there are two types of people?"
	"Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that don't."
	"Wrong.  There are three groups:
		Those who separate people into three groups.
		Those who don't separate people into groups.
		Those who can't decide."
	"Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into two groups?"
	"Oh.  Okay, then there are four groups."
	"Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
	"Yeah."
	"So then there's a fifth group, right?"
	"You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their minds."
%
You see things; and you say "Why?"
But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
		-- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
		[No, it wasn't J.F. Kennedy.  Ed.]
%
You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
		-- Joseph Conrad
%
You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
%
You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
incest and folk-dancing.
		-- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
%
You shouldn't wallow in self-pity.  But it's OK to put your feet in it
and swish them around a little.
		-- Guindon
%
You want to know why I kept getting promoted?  Because my mouth knows more
than my brain.
	-- W.G.
%
You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
		-- Frank Hubbard
%
You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m.
anyway.
		-- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
%
You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
		-- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
%
You're always thinking you're gonna be the one that makes 'em act different.
		-- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
%
You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
		-- Eldridge Cleaver
%
You're never too old to become younger.
		-- Mae West
%
You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
		-- Eugene Ionesco
%
You've been telling me to relax all the way here, and now you're telling
me just to be myself?
		-- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
%
Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business.  For the
experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
them; but in new things, abuseth them.  The errors of young men are the ruin
of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
have been done, or sooner.  Young men, in the conduct and management of
actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
nor turn.  Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
content themselves with a mediocrity of success.  Certainly, it is good to
compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
the defects of both.
		-- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
%
Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.
		-- George Chapman
%
Young men, hear an old man to whom old men hearkened when he was young.
		-- Augustus Caesar
%
Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
		...Here's How You Can Tell
Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
listed 10 signs to watch for:
    (3) Bizarre sense of humor.  Space aliens who don't understand
	earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
	jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
    (6) Misuses everyday items.  "A space alien may use correction
	fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
    (8) Secretive about personal life-style and home.  "An alien won't
	discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
   (10) Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
	high-tech hardware.  "An alien may experience a mood change when
	a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
		-- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984.

	[I thought everybody laughed at company training films.  Ed.]
%
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything.  It just stops you
from enjoying it.
%
Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your
acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
		-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
%
Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
		-- Robert F. Kennedy
%
Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
%
Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
		-- Dorothy Fuldheim
%
	Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of
the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
	Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
old only by deserting their ideals.  Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.  Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
-- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
back to dust.
	Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
	You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
despair.
	So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
you are young.
		-- Samuel Ullman
%
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
	A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
the bartender.  "Hey, bartender, gimme a whiskey."
	The bartender ignores him.
	"Hey bartender, gimme a whiskey!"
	Still ignored.
	"HEY BARMAN!!  GIMME A WHISKEY!!"
	The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
	Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns.  He ambles slowly into the
saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
%
About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
%
All intelligent species own cats.
%
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
liable to a fine of one pound.  Any animal leading a blind person shall
be deemed to be a cat.
		-- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
%
Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
		-- R. Heinlein 
%
	"Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
	"The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
	"But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
	"That was the curious incident."
		-- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
%
Auribus teneo lupum.
	[I hold a wolf by the ears.]
	[Boy, it *sounds* good.  But what does it *mean*?]
%
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
%
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
		-- Garrison Keillor
%
Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can't make eight cats pull a sled through
the snow.
%
Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
%
Chihuahuas drive me crazy.  I can't stand anything that shivers when it's warm.
%
"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
technology.  Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."
%
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
		-- Sue Murphy
%
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
%
Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
and the rest of us.
%
Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence.  These silly humans
are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority.
	Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by
cats.
	You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems.
	They're neat.
	They don't have sexual hangups.  A cat gets horny, it does something
about it.
	They keep reasonable hours.  You *never* see a cat up before noon.
	They know how to relax.  Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?  
	What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war?  Pretty neglible.
It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
do with ones time.  Like lie in the sun and sleep.  Or go exploring the world.
%
For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.
%
Hi!  You have reached 555-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible.  Please
leave your name and message after the beep...
%
I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got the guts
to bite people themselves.
		-- August Strindberg
%
I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas.  A Chihuahua isn't a dog.  It's a rat
with a thyroid problem.
%
If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
%
If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
We're offering a substantial reward.  He's a sable collie, with three legs,
blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
tail.  He's been recently fixed.  Answers to "Lucky".
%
If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
		-- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
		   crazy.
%
"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:  Pour a little
Lavoris in the toilet."
		-- Jay Leno
%
If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions.  You must
make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
will be courteous as well as responsive.  Since you are out of sympathy with
cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital.  But bear in mind that your opinion
of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker.  Try to keep things
straight.
		-- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
%
In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
		-- Martin Mull
%
It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
%
It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
%
It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
%
Lost: gray and white female cat.  Answers to electric can opener.
%
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
		-- Fran Lebowitz
%
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
%
PENGUINICITY!!
%
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
%
"Shelter," what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat.
%
Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be
chewed and digested.
		-- Francis Bacon
	[As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows.  Ed.]
%
Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar.  I feel
like I've just got to bite a cat!  I feel like if I don't bite a cat
before sundown, I'll go crazy!  But then I just take a deep breath and
forget about it.  That's what is known as real maturity.
		-- Snoopy
%
Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's on sale.
After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
%
The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
called.  Cats take a message and get back to you.
%
The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
		-- Kevin Cowherd
%
The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
		-- C. Schulz
%
There are many intelligent species in the universe, and they all own cats.
%
There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
%
To err is human,
To purr feline.
		-- Robert Byrne
%
When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it will attempt
to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
%
When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
%
Who loves me will also love my dog.
		-- John Donne
%
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
		-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
(1) Everything depends.
(2) Nothing is always.
(3) Everything is sometimes.
%
42
%
A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are
correct.
		-- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
%
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
%
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
		-- Cervantes
%
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
%
A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
%
	A boy spent years collecting postage stamps.  The girl next door bought
an album too, and started her own collection.  "Dad, she buys everything I've
bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me.  I'm quitting."  Don't,
son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
%
A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. Kites rise
against the wind, not with it.
%
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
%
A chronic disposition to inquiry deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
%
A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
%
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
%
A couch is as good as a chair.
%
A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
%
A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
%
A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
%
A day without sunshine is like night.
%
A dead man cannot bite.
		-- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
%
A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
%
	A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign.  "Free
Chickens.  Our Coop Runneth Over."
%
	A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
her birthday.  An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen.  "My pup," she murmured
sadly, "runneth over."
%
A fool and his money are soon popular.
%
A fool and your money are soon partners.
%
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
%
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
%
A full belly makes a dull brain.
		-- Ben Franklin

		[and the local candy machine man.  Ed]
%
	A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown.  When asked by her father why she
had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
%
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
%
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
%
A good name lost is seldom regained.  When character is gone,
all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
		-- J. Hawes
%
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
		-- Patton
%
A good reputation is more valuable than money.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
A good scapegoat is hard to find.
A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
		-- Carolyn Wells
%
A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
%
A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
%
A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
%
A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
%
	A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
days old.  He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
%
A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
%
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
%
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
A king's castle is his home.
%
A lie in time saves nine.
%
A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
trouble.
		-- Adlai Stevenson
%
A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
		-- Aristotle
%
A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
%
A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
		-- C.E. Ayres
%
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
		-- H.H. Munro, "Saki"
%
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
%
A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
in the road.
		-- Alexander Smith
%
A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
in no other way.
%
A man with one watch knows what time it is.
A man with two watches is never quite sure.
%
A man's best friend is his dogma.
%
A man's house is his castle.
		-- Sir Edward Coke
%
A man's house is his hassle.
%
A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
%
A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
%
A penny saved has not been spent.
%
A penny saved is ridiculous.
%
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his
mouth.
%
A place for everything and everything in its place.
		-- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
 
	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to memory management system services.]
%
A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
		-- Stanley Baldwin
%
A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques contaminate
the potable concoction produced by steeping certain edible nutriments.
%
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
%
A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
%
"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."
%
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
%
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
%
A sinking ship gathers no moss.
		-- Donald Kaul
%
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
%
A snake lurks in the grass.
		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
%
A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
		-- Proverbs 15:1
%
A soft drink turneth away company.
%
A song in time is worth a dime.
%
A stitch in time saves nine.
%
A violent man will die a violent death.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
A watched clock never boils.
%
A wise man can see more from a mountain top than a fool can from the bottom
of a well.
%
A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a
mountain top.
%
A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
		-- Chinese proverb
%
A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
people's attention.
%
A witty saying proves nothing.
		-- Voltaire
%
A word to the wise is enough.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
Above all else -- sky.
%
Above all things, reverence yourself.
%
Absence makes the heart forget.
%
Absence makes the heart go wander.
%
Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
%
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
		-- Sextus Aurelius
%
Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
%
Absolutum obsoletum.  (If it works, it's out of date.)
		-- Stafford Beer
%
Ad astra per aspera.
	[To the stars by aspiration.]
%
Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
	[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
		-- Ovid
%
Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
%
After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
		-- Italian proverb
%
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
%
Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
Aim for the moon.  If you miss, you may hit a star.
		-- W. Clement Stone
%
Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
		-- The Mad Dogtender
%
Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
		-- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
%
Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
%
All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
%
All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
%
-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
	carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
	the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
	advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
%
All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
		-- Kingfish
%
All is fear in love and war.
%
All is well that ends well.
		-- John Heywood
%
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
%
All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
%
All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
%
All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
%
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
%
All's well that ends.
%
An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or
one-and-a-half truths.
		-- Karl Kraus
%
An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
%
An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
%
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
%
An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
%
An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
		-- Michael Korda
%
An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
		-- Spanish proverb
%
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge."
%
And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
		-- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
%
Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
		-- Proverbs, 26:5
%
Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --
a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea.  For instance, my
grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the fence."
I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly true.
		-- Solomon Short
%
Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.
		-- Sydney J. Harris
%
Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
		-- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
%
Anything is possible on paper.
		-- Ron McAfee
%
Anything is possible, unless it's not.
%
Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently.  Things hitherto
undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
		-- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
%
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
%
As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station
rate.
		-- Howard Kandel
%
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...
if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
%
Avoid cliches like the plague.  They're a dime a dozen.
%
Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
		-- Homer
%
Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
%
Beggars should be no choosers.
		-- John Heywood
%
Better dead than mellow.
%
Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
%
Better late than never.
		-- Titus Livius (Livy)
%
Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
%
Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
%
Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
		-- motto of the Christopher Society
%
Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
		-- Jeff Cooper
%
Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
%
Beware of geeks bearing graft.
%
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
		-- Indian proverb
%
Charity begins at home.
		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
%
Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
%
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
		-- P.J. O'Rourke
%
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
%
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
		-- Blair Houghton
%
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
%
Desist from enumerating your fowl prior to their emergence from the shell.
%
Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
		-- Aesop
%
Do unto others before they undo you.
%
Do, or do not; there is no try.
%
Doing gets it done.
%
Don't get even -- get odd!
%
Don't get mad, get even.
		-- Joseph P. Kennedy

Don't get even, get jewelry.
		-- Anonymous
%
Don't get mad, get interest.
%
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because if you enjoy it today,
you can do it again tomorrow.
%
Eschew obfuscation.
%
Every path has its puddle.
%
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
%
Every solution breeds new problems.
%
Expedience is the best teacher.
%
Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
		-- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
%
Familiarity breeds attempt.
%
Flattery will get you everywhere.
%
Flee at once, all is discovered.
%
For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
		-- Alexander Pope
%
Forgive and forget.
		-- Cervantes
%
Fortune and love befriend the bold.
		-- Ovid
%
Fortune favors the lucky.
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12

	Those who can, do.  Those who can't, write the instructions.
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3

	Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9

	A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
%
Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
%
Genius is pain.
		-- John Lennon
%
Given sufficient time, what you put off doing today will get done by itself.
%
God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as
we speak.
		-- Arab proverb
%
Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
%
Happiness is the greatest good.
%
Haste makes waste.
		-- John Heywood
%
Have a nice day!
%
Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
%
Have an adequate day.
%
He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
		-- Scottish proverb.
%
He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
		-- Sinbad
%
He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
%
He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
%
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
%
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
%
He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world
as he who is ready to die.
		-- Giacomo Leopardi
%
He who hates vices hates mankind.
%
He who hesitates is last.
%
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
%
He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
		-- Bertolt Brecht
%
He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
%
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
%
He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
%
He who laughs last is probably your boss.
%
He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
%
He who laughs, lasts.
%
He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
%
He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
		-- Dr. Johnson
%
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
%
Honesty's the best policy.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
Honi soit qui mal y pense.
	[Evil to him who evil thinks.]
		-- Motto of the Order of the Garter (est. Edward III)
%
How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
%
How you look depends on where you go.
%
I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
%
I doubt, therefore I might be.
%
I know on which side my bread is buttered.
		-- John Heywood
%
I think, therefore I am... I think.
%
I'll turn over a new leaf.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
		-- William Blake
%
If anything can go wrong, it will.
%
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
%
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
%
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
%
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
%
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
		-- W.E. Hickson
%
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
		-- Leonard Levinson
%
If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
		-- Chinese proverb
%
If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
%
If in doubt, mumble.
%
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
%
If it heals good, say it.
%
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
%
If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
%
If there is no wind, row.
		-- Polish proverb
%
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
		-- Laurence J. Peter
%
If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
%
If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
		-- Chinese Proverb
%
If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
%
If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
%
In charity there is no excess.
		-- Francis Bacon
%
In God we trust; all else we walk through.
%
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
		-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
%
Integrity has no need for rules.
%
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
%
It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
%
It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
		-- Aeschylus
%
It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
		-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
%
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
		-- Andrew W. Mathis
%
It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
%
It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
%
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
%
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
%
It is common sense to take a method and try it.  If it fails,
admit it frankly and try another.  But above all, try something.
		-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
%
It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
%
It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
		-- Roger Babson
%
It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
%
It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
		-- Alex Clark
%
It's better to burn out than it is to rust.
%
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
%
It's later than you think.
%
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
%
It's the thought, if any, that counts!
%
Keep on keepin' on.
%
Keep the phase, baby.
%
Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
Knowledge is power.
		-- Francis Bacon
%
Knowledge without common sense is folly.
%
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
%
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
%
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
%
Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
%
Laugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn't help either.
%
Leave no stone unturned.
		-- Euripides
%
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
%
Let sleeping dogs lie.
		-- Charles Dickens
%
Let your conscience be your guide.
		-- Pope
%
Life is one long struggle in the dark.
		-- Titus Lucretius Carus
%
"Life is too important to take seriously."
		-- Corky Siegel
%
Life is too short to be taken seriously.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Look before you leap.
		-- Samuel Butler
%
Look ere ye leap.
		-- John Heywood
%
-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
	to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
-- Neophyte's serendipity.
-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic
	diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
	of small, green bryophytic plant.
-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation
	of a lucrative nature.
-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
	osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
%
Man is the measure of all things.
		-- Protagoras
%
Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
		-- Plotinus
%
Many are called, few are chosen.  Fewer still get to do the choosing.
%
Many are called, few volunteer.
%
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
%
Many hands make light work.
		-- John Heywood
%
May you have warm words on a cold evening,
a full mooon on a dark night,
and a smooth road all the way to your door.
%
May you live in uninteresting times.
		-- Chinese proverb
%
Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
		-- Julius Caesar
%
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
%
Misery no longer loves company.  Nowadays it insists on it.
		-- Russell Baker
%
Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
%
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
%
Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
%
Moderation in all things.
		-- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
%
Moderation is a fatal thing.  Nothing succeeds like excess.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Mother is the invention of necessity.
%
Mum's the word.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
Necessity has no law.
		-- St. Augustine
%
Necessity hath no law.
		-- Oliver Cromwell
%
Necessity is a mother.
%
-- Neophyte's serendipity.
-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of
	hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no
	congeries of small, green bryophytic plant.
-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
	optimal cachinnation.
-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential
	escallation of a lucrative nature.
-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of
	fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally
	remain innocuous.
%
Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
%
Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
		-- Saint Jerome
%
Never promise more than you can perform.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
%
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
%
Nice guys don't finish nice.
%
Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
		-- Evan Davis
%
Nice guys finish last.
		-- Leo Durocher
%
Nice guys get sick.
%
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
		-- Aesop
%
No evil can happen to a good man.
		-- Plato
%
No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
		-- Aristotle
%
No good deed goes unpunished.
		-- Clare Booth Luce
%
None love the bearer of bad news.
		-- Sophocles
%
Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
%
Nothing endures but change.
		-- Heraclitus
%
Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
		-- John Keats
%
Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
	[There is no great genius without some touch of madness.]
		-- Seneca
%
Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
%
Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
		-- Homer
%
One good turn asketh another.
		-- John Heywood
%
One good turn deserves another.
		-- Gaius Petronius
%
One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
%
One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
		-- George M. Cohan
%
One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
		-- Chinese proverb
%
Oppernockity tunes but once.
%
Out of sight is out of mind.
		-- Arthur Clough
%
		-- Owen Meredith
%
Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
		-- Titus Maccius Plautus
%
Pauca sed matura.
	[Few but excellent.]
		-- Gauss
%
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
	[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
	or
	[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
		-- Aelius Donatus
%
Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
		-- Don Marquis
%
Plus ,ca change, plus c'est la m^eme chose.
	[The more things change, the more they remain the same.]
		-- Alphonse Karr, "Les Gu^epes"
%
Practice yourself what you preach.
		-- Titus Maccius Plautus
%
Praise the sea; on shore remain.
		-- John Florio
%
Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
		-- Russian Proverb
%
Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
	[Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.]
%
Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
		-- Chinese proverb
%
Removing the straw that broke the camel's back does not necessarily
allow the camel to walk again.
%
Rome was not built in one day.
		-- John Heywood
%
Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
%
Rotten wood cannot be carved.
		-- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
%
-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
-- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
-- Surveillance should precede saltation.
-- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
-- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
	lacteal fluid.
-- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
-- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
	canine with innovative maneuvers.
-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
	galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Farenheit.
%
Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
%
Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
		-- Alfred North Whitehead
%
Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
Set the cart before the horse.
		-- John Heywood
%
Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
	[If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
		-- Henri Estienne
%
Sic transit gloria Monday!
%
Sic transit gloria mundi.
	[So passes away the glory of this world.]
		-- Thomas `a Kempis
%
Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
%
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
		-- One of Lazarus Long's most penetrating insights
%
Small is beautiful.
		-- Schumacher's Dictum
%
Stop searching forever.  Happiness is just next to you.
%
Stop searching forever.  Happiness is unattainable.
%
Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they'd only
take a bath ...
%
Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
		-- Thomas Tusser
%
The coast was clear.
		-- Lope de Vega
%
The course of true anything never does run smooth.
		-- Samuel Butler
%
The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
		-- Anaxagoras
%
The early worm gets the bird.
%
The early worm gets the late bird.
%
The ends justify the means.
		-- after Matthew Prior
%
The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
		-- Polish proverb
%
The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
		-- Plato
%
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
%
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
%
The man who runs may fight again.
		-- Menander
%
The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant
is forever blessed.
		-- Old Japanese proverb
%
The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
%
The more the merrier.
		-- John Heywood
%
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
%
The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
%
The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
		-- Pliny the Elder
%
The only constant is change.
%
The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
		-- Phaedrus
%
The only reward of virtue is virtue.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often."
%
The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
The reverse side also has a reverse side.  
		-- Japanese proverb
%
The road to Hades is easy to travel.
		-- Bion
%
The superfluous is very necessary.
		-- Voltaire
%
The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
%
The worst is enemy of the bad.
%
-- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous
	materials, there is conflagration.
-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
	the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
	optimal cachinnation.
-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
%
There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
%
There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
%
There is no fool to the old fool.
		-- John Heywood
%
There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
%
There is no proverb that is not true.
		-- Cervantes
%
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
%
There's no heavier burden than a great potential.
%
There's no such thing as a free lunch.
		-- Milton Friendman
%
There's no such thing as an original sin.
		-- Elvis Costello
%
There's no time like the pleasant.
%
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
		-- Dwight Eisenhower
%
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
%
Things are not always what they seem.
		-- Phaedrus
%
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
%
Thou hast seen nothing yet.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes
%
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
		-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Time and tide wait for no man.
%
Time as he grows old teaches all things.
		-- Aeschylus
%
Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.
%
Time goes, you say?
Ah no!
Time stays, *we* go.
		-- Austin Dobson
%
Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
%
To add insult to injury.
		-- Phaedrus
%
To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
%
To err is human, but when the eraser wears out before the pencil,
you're overdoing it a little.
%
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
%
To err is human, to forgive unusual.
%
To err is human, to moo bovine.
%
To err is human, to purr feline.
To err is human, two curs canine.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
%
To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
		-- Benjamin Franklin
%
To err is human.
To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
%
To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
%
To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
		-- MIT Assasination Club
%
To err is humor.
%
To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
		-- B. Duggan
%
Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
		-- Arabian proverb
%
Truth can wait; he's used to it.
%
Turn the other cheek.
		-- Jesus Christ
%
Two heads are better than one.
		-- John Heywood
%
Two heads are more numerous than one.
%
Two is company, three is an orgy.
%
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
		-- Kohn
%
Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
		-- Thomas Szasz
%
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
%
Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
		-- Jack Kerouac
%
We are what we are.
%
We are what we pretend to be.
		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
%
We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
%
Well begun is half done.
		-- Aristotle
%
What fools these morals be!
%
What fools these mortals be.
		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
%
What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
		-- John Lilly
%
What one fool can do, another can.
		-- Ancient Simian Proverb
%
What we wish, that we readily believe.
		-- Demosthenes
%
What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
%
What you don't know won't help you much either.
		-- D. Bennett
%
Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
%
When in doubt, follow your heart.
%
When in doubt, use brute force.
		-- Ken Thompson
%
When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
%
When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
		-- Turkish proverb
%
When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
		-- Chinese proverb
%
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
		-- Lynch
%
When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
%
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
like a nail.
%
When the sun shineth, make hay.
		-- John Heywood
%
When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
%
When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live
as they live elsewhere.
		-- St. Ambrose
%
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
%
When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable,
must be the truth.
		-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
%
Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance in ignited
carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
%
Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
		-- Goethe
%
While there's life, there's hope.
		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
%
Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
%
Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
		-- Bernard Levin
%
Without fools there would be no wisdom.
%
Words are the voice of the heart.
%
Words can never express what words can never express.
%
Words have a longer life than deeds.
		-- Pindar
%
Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
		-- John Heywood
%
You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
%
You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
%
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
and all of the people some of the time,
but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
%
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
and all of the people some of the time,
but you can never fool your Mom.
%
You can fool some of the people some of the time,
and some of the people all of the time,
and that is sufficient.
%
You can get everything in life you want, if you will help enough other
people get what they want.
%
You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a
kind word alone.
		-- Al Capone
		[Also attributed to Johnny Carson.  Ed.]
%
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
%
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
%
You can move the world with an idea, but you have to think of it first.
%
You can never do just one thing.
		-- Hardin
%
You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
%
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
%
You cannot see the wood for the trees.
		-- John Heywood
%
You get what you pay for.
		-- Gabriel Biel
%
You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
		-- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
%
Zhizn' prozhit'--ne pole pereiti.
	[Life's a bitch.]
	[Well, okay.  lit., to live through life is not as simple as crossing
	 a field.  Happy now?]
		-- Russian proverb
%
A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
to the top.
%
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
%
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
the first time.
		-- Alfred E. Wiggam
%
A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
		-- Elbert Hubbard
%
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
learned to walk.
		-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
%
A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans.  It is not a matter of
their training or their equipment.  It has to do with the quality of the
society we are asking them to risk death defending.  The metaphor of the
domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
is high.  San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
		-- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
%
A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is
coming again soon.  Bend over.
%
A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
		-- Robert Frost
%
A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
		-- Willis Player
%
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist, and too rich to be a
communist.
%
A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow.  The time
had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
catching instructions on the wing.  In other words, we never did trust 
the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept 
in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
		-- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
%
A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
by the side of the street.  Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on.  The fellow explained
that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
himself with gasoline and set himself on fire.  "That's terrible," gasped
the man.  "But why is everyone still standing around?"
	"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
onlooker explained.  "Would you be willing to help?"
	"Well, sure," replied the New Yorker.  "I suppose I could spare a
gallon or two."
%
A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
wrong with a high sense of consistency.
		-- J. K. Galbraith
%
A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
		-- Phyllis Schlafly
%
A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely called
a liberal.
%
A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck.  He has heard
about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
money if the bank collapsed.  "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
	"But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
	"Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
the teller says.
	"But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
	"Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
	"And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
	"Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
paycheck?"
		-- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
%
A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
up with yesterday.
%
A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
people what to do with their money.
		-- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
%
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
		-- Joseph Stalin
%
... [after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
Russians might beat the Americans into orbit.  "I wouldn't care if they
did," he responded.  (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
one foot in his mouth.)
		-- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
%
After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags.  Some Iraqi soldiers
carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
		-- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
%
"Ah, you know the type.  They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
		-- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
%
Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
Raygun himself:  Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
Raygun himself:  Tell them to help themselves.
%
Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job.
		-- Bobcat Goldthwait
%
America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman
with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing
anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail"
%
America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
		 -- President John F. Kennedy

The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
		 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson

The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
from time to time threaten freedoms everyhere... Indeed, it is difficult
to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
by the majority they were at the time.
		-- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
%
American cars are made shoddily...  Cars made overseas are far superior.
		-- Sen. Barry Goldwater
%
An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.

American:	"I can't believe you don't have cars here!  How do you
		get to work?"
Russian:	"We take the bus, or the subway.  We have public
		transportation everywhere."
A:		"Well, how do you go on vacations?"
R:		"We take the train."
A:		"Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
R:		"We don't ever want go abroad."
A:		"Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
R:		"We take tanks."
%
An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about
the happiness of life.  
	"To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a 
wonderful dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching
Monday Night Football," the American said.
	"You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing
a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a
romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower.  That is happiness of life."
	"You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you
two still don't understand life at all.  Imagine this.  You are sleeping
soundly at night in Saigon.  Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front
door.  You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'.  Quaking
with fear, you rush out and open the door.  Right there, you see two secret
policemen ready to handcuff you.  One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van
Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities.  You are
being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!'  Sweating profusely and
shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh 
lives next door.'  That moment is happiness in life, my friends.
%
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat him last.
		-- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
%
	An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
is severely rationed).  When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
	"What is this?" he shouts.  "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
piece of meat?  This rotten system stinks!"
	Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
"Take it easy, comrade.  Remember what would have happened if you had made an
outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
this head and pulls the trigger.
	The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
again?"
	"It's worse than that," he replies.  "They're out of bullets."
		-- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
%
And what accomplished villains these old engineers were!  What diabolical
ways to sabotage they found!  Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
Comissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
give advice.  One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads.  The GPU
exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
without railroads in case of foreign military intervention!  When, not long
afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
		-- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
%
Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!

Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!

Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's,
cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
think you can, and that's the point, right?)
%
Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
%
Any president should have the right to shoot at least two people a year
without explanation.
		-- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
%
Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it.  No citizen
has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
		-- J.P. Morgan [Speaking, no doubt, on behalf of his highly-
		   paid tax lawyers]
%
Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
		-- Eleanor Roosevelt
%
"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by
vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emissions
standards from man-made sources."
		-- Ronald Reagan, noted ecologist and former President
%
ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
%
As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that
sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out?  Even if it
was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed.
%
As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
industries are secure.  We hear about constitutional rights, free speech
and the free press.  Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That
man is a Red, that man is a Communist".  You never hear a real American
talk like that.
		-- Frank Hague, 1896-1956
%
At last, the first Soviet, artificially intelligent computer had been produced.
The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists.  First things first: it went
to the institute of Marxism-Leninism.

"IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" typed in one of the
	theologians.
"YES," replied the computer.  "BUT IT WOULD BE SUCH A PITY TO DESTROY
	SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY."
%
At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the
decent men in public life.
		-- Renata Adler
%
Atlee is a very modest man.  And with reason.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot.  Mother and I will grieve, but
we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you."
		-- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
%
Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations.  Foreign
correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
invaded.  They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
West and the Soviets invade from the East?  Who will you fight first?"
	To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
Business before pleasure."
%
Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or
repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is
more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we
get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging
bitches and if we enjoy sex nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we
love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor
too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community
care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're
aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and
if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're
unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but
men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're
made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots and lots of other reasons
we are part of the women's liberation movement.
%
Being in politics is like being a football coach.  You have to be smart
enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
		-- Eugene McCarthy
%
Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
		-- Blake Clark
%
Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
		-- unamed Justice Department official
%
Black people have never rioted.  A riot is what white people think blacks
are involved in when they burn stores.
		-- Julius Lester
%
But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose
skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted
calf they were sucking hind teat...
	Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they
called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to
the front of the bus."
	But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
unto a snowball in Hell."
		-- "The Begatting of a President"
%
"California is proud to be the home of the freeway."
		-- Ronald Reagan
%
Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
%
Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner,
Vermont.
		-- Clarence Darrow
%
Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
		-- John Maynard Keynes
%
Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
		-- Calvin Coolidge
%
Come home America.
		-- George McGovern, 1972
%
Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle of
socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of capitalism.
		-- Walter Lippmann
%
"Dear Mr. Seldes:  I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement
to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls
himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot
politically.  But the designations may be good business for war
veterans.  Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have
bled it all they could consequently.  And why not?"
		-- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations"
%
Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
Communist politician is through, he is through.
%
Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
deserve to get it good and hard.
	-- H.L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
%
Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
The remainder is thrown out.

Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.

Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.

Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
windows by Democrats.
		-- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
%
Do you realize the responsibility I carry?  I'm the only person standing
between Nixon and the White House.
		-- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
%
Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep.  It's easy, but
it's not very satisfying.
%
Don't buy a landslide.  I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
than I have to.
		-- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy.
%
Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
		-- Lt. Col. Ollie North
%
Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals.  Don't get the
idea that I'm knocking the American system.
		-- Al Capone
%
Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
%
Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
		-- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
%
Draft beer, not boys!
%
Draft beer, not people.
%
During the Reagan-Mondale debates:

Q:	"Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
	perform as president?"
Reagan:	"I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and inexperience."
%
Even God cannot change the past.
		-- Joseph Stalin
%
Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
the last but one.
		-- Adolph Hitler
%
Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.  This world in arms is not
spending money alone.  It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.  This is not a way
of life at all in any true sense.  Under the clouds of war, it is
humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
		-- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
%
"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
trees to prove their manhood.
		-- Dave Barry
%
"Follow me around.  I don't care.  I'm serious.  If anybody wants to put a
tail on me, go ahead.  They'd be very bored."
		-- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
		   commenting on rumors of womanizing.
%
For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working
version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof
offered by Caspar Weinberger:

	"If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been
	working desperately to get it for over 17 years?"

		-- USA Today, 24 June 1986
%
Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
		-- John F. Kennedy
%
Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
		-- Joseph Stalin
%
Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive
Donna Rice home.
%
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he
also admitted doing it.  Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Because George still had the axe in his hand.
%
God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
and drinking beer.  But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
not fit to live!  A family may live on good bread and water in the
morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
		-- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
%
Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello
is fatal to a virgin.
		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
%
Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human
misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps.  If I had not known
that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
		-- George Lincoln Rockwell
%
Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great.  He walked over to his
window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up.  He felt *so*
good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming
voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade!  Good morning to you and
the great Soviet Socialist Republic!".  Of course, this surprised him, but
great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications.
Gorbachev then woke up Reza and his closest aides, brought them into his
bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!".  Again a booming reply,
"Good morning, Comrade.  Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!"
Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his
day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child.
	Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet.  As he
dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting.  Walking over to the window,
Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to
you, Comrade Sun!".  Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you,
asshole!  I'm in the West now!"
%
GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21):  July 30, 1917

On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then
Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl.  He bought
them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought
I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!"  Always one to learn from
his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs
in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service
men stood lookout.
%
	"Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
verbed, and adjectives adverbised.  He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
had actually implicationed.
	"If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
since Clausewitz.  Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
		-- The Guardian
%
Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to
America's problems?  Why, we could solve all of our raw materials
difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend.  If we
got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico
by 10:00.  Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult,
but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening.  Turning our
attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning.
General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take
up Sunday afternoon.  I just don't understand why Washington hasn't
thought of this...
%
He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
_H_A_D to make him President of the United States.  It's the only job he's
qualified for!
		-- Michael Cain
%
He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch.
		-- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza
%
Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy.  Seems he's
screwing everyone but her.
%
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
		-- Milton Friedman
%
"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:

	* Governmental offices
	* Post offices
	* Libraries
	* Schools
	* Banks
	* Parts of Palm Beach

and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina."
		-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
%
"How do you like the new America?  We've cut the fat out of the
government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was gone
some time ago).  All we seem to have left now is muscle.  We'll be lucky
to escape with our skins!"
%
I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
		-- John Hinckley
%
I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
		-- Muhammad Ali
%
I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a
professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any
other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
		-- Richard M. Nixon

What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
		-- Richard M. Nixon
%
I am not a crook.
		-- Richard Nixon
%
I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
		-- Gloria Steinem
%
I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
-- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishoners for whom
to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
the people who might elect him.
		-- John F. Kennedy
%
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was

	... an arctic wilderness.
		-- Steve Martin
%
I belong to no organized party.  I am a Democrat.
		-- Will Rogers
%
I call it the "Madman Theory".  I want the North Vietnamese to believe that
I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war.  We'll
just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed
about Communism.  We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his
hand on the nuclear button."
		-- Richard Nixon
%
"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 25
percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be true."
		-- Harry Truman
%
I did not look behind me, 'till I got to St. Omer's & thence fled to America;
here I offer'd to become a Spy for the English Government which was scornfully
rejected; I then turned to Plunder & Libel the Yankees, for which I was fined
5000 Dollars & kicked out of the Country!  I came back to England (after
absconding for Seven years) & set up the Crown & Mitre to establish my Loyalty!
-- accepted from the Doctor L400 to print & disperse a pamphlet against "the
Hellfire of Reform" ... but applied the Money to purchase an estate at Botley,
& left ye Doctor to pay the Paper & Printing!  Being now Lord of the Manor, I
began by sowing the seeds of discontent through Hampshire; I oppressed the
Poor, sent the Aged to Hell, & damned the eyes of my Parish Apprentices before
they were open'd in the morning! ... and being now supported by a Band of
Reformers, I renewed my old favorite Toast of Damnation to the House of
Brunswick! & being exalted by the sale of 10,000 Political Registers every
week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my
Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE!
		-- William Cobbett, British journalist
%
I don't give a shit what happens.  I want you all to stonewall it.  Let them
plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save the plan.
		-- Richard Nixon
%
I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
he starts to practice law.
		-- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
		   Attorney-General.
%
I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
		-- Richard Nixon, 1972
%
I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles.  It's not like
we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off.
		-- P.J. O'Rourke
%
I go the way that Providence dictates.
		-- Adolf Hitler
%
I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
put a black person through in this country.  To realize you don't have any
power to make things different is a bitch.
		-- Miles Davis
%
"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages.  You sound
like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an eight-ulcer man on a
four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working.  I have never met you, but if I
do you'll need a new nose and plenty of beefsteak and perhaps a supporter
below.  Westbrook Pegler, a guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you.
You can take that as more of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry."
		-- President Harry S. Truman
%
I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
		-- George Wallace
%
I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
		-- Jimmy Carter
%
I never did give anybody hell.  I just told the truth and they thought
it was hell.
		-- Harry S. Truman
%
I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
		-- Lyndon Baines Johnson
%
I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce.
		-- J. Edgar Hoover
%
I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
it is plausible or not.  The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
he told the truth or not.  When starting and waging war it is not right
that matters, but victory.
		-- Adolph Hitler
%
I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary.
If it's somebody else's secretary, fine.
		-- Barry Goldwater

I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
		-- Barry Goldwater
%
I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
		-- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's
		   suggestion that all good Christians should be against
		   Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court
%
I was in accord with the system so long as it permitted me to function
effectively.
		-- Albert Speer
%
I would have made a good pope.
		-- Richard Nixon
%
I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
gotten the hostages released.  I thank God they were satisfied with the
missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
		-- Oliver North
%
I would not like to be a political leader in Russia.  They never know when
they're being taped.
		-- Richard Nixon

I love America.  You always hurt the one you love.
		-- David Frye impersonating Nixon
%
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
		-- George McGovern
%
I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.
		-- J.F. Kennedy
%
I'm not a lovable man.
		-- Richard Nixon.
%
I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
		-- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
%
I'm sorry I missed.
		-- Squeaky Fromme
%
I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.
		-- Lyndon B. Johnson

Don't see 'em this big out here, do they?
		-- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a
		public toilet during a tour of the Far East
%
I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
		-- Calvin Coolidge
%
If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
%
If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
car he ever lays down in front of.
		-- George Wallace
%
If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
%
If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in
James Watt's office.
		-- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
%
If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow.  I
just couldn't help myself.
		-- Adolf Hitler
%
If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with.  No more appeasement.
		-- Ronald Reagan
%
If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
		-- Hermann Goering
%
If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.
		-- Mel Brooks
%
If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
%
If the Nazis had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
goose-stepping.  Americans are just as suggestible.
		-- Frank Zappa
%
If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
doing the thinking.
		-- Lyndon B. Johnson

Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
helmet off.
		-- Lyndon B. Johnson

I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
%
"If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive."
		-- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
		   criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
		   crimes.
%
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
		-- Harry S. Truman
%
If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
		-- Spiro Agnew
%
If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves.  The wicked, who have
something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
they know how it's done, and for booty.  You can offer them things because
they will take them.  Because they have no hesitations.  You can hang them
if they get out of step.  Let me have men about me that are utter villains
-- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
		-- Hermann Goering
%
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping center in the world?
		-- Richard M. Nixon
%
If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
		-- Franklin Delano Roosevelt
%
If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
		-- Ronald Reagan
%
Imagine me going around with a pot belly.  It would mean political ruin.
		-- Adolf Hitler
%
In 1953, Stalin dies.  The politburo holds a special meeting to decide
what to do about the body.  Nobody will let it be buried near their home.
Finally they decide:
	"Aha!  Call Israel!  Offer them ten million rubles; they'll let us
bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits...
Finally a telegram comes back:
	"NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY"
%
In 1989, the United States, displeased with the policies of the dictator of
Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
liking.

In 1990, Iraq, displeased with the policies of the dictator of Kuwait,
invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its liking.
%
In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
by slow starvation.  The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
		-- Leon Trotsky, 1937
%
In any country there must be people who have to die.  They are the
sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
		-- Idi Amin Dada
%
In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
		-- Joseph Stalin
%
In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency.  During His press conference
today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
in time.  I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
around!  Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
those annoying mountains and rivers.  I never could stand them!"
	There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency.  God replied to
these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
than a citizen bless their country?"
%
It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
remember.
		-- Eugene McCarthy
%
It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should be
situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of unnatural acts
upon the body politic every day, without benefit of artificial lubrication
or foreplay.
	-- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
	   "Sex, Art and American Culture"
%
It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
		-- Don Price
%
It's our fault.  We should have given him better parts.
		-- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
		   elected governor of California.

[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
%
Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were
on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink.
	"Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the 
women and children aboard the lifeboats first."
	"Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted.
	"Do we have time?" Hart asked.
	"Do we have time?" Biden asked.
	"Did everyone hear that?" Dukakis asked.
%
John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
		-- Edward P. Morgan
%
Justice is incidental to law and order.
		-- J. Edgar Hoover
%
Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
all will end as doves.
%
Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time.  "Oh, sure,
honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!"  With that
he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
		-- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
%
Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum force necessary in
dealing with disorders when they arise.
		-- Richard M. Nixon
%
"Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky...  In yer country, ya got 14 million black
people, and 3 million white people.  Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything
to you?"
		-- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to Prime
		   Minister Botha of South Africa.
%
... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are.  On one side,
you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right.  For example, they
had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased
publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.
Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire
primary.  But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came
back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his neck.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
%
Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return.  Here's an often
overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For
several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around
under your armpit.  No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours poring over
a sweat-stained document.  So even if you owe money, you can put in for an
enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you, just to avoid an
audit.  What does he care? It's not his money.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
%
Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
trouble.  Conservatives are better.  They never run out on you.
		-- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
%
	"Listen to what I say, not what I mean.  I mean ...."
		-- Mayor Daley
%
Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
%
Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
nativity scene removed:
	"They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
and a virgin in the whole organization."
%
Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
almost always the choice of the lesser evil.  "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
they say.  "I will not vote."  Having abstained, they are presented with a
President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
lives for the next four years.  Consider all the people who sat home in a
stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey.  They showed Humphrey.
Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
the gold and the black.
		-- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
%
More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
%
More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
%
"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a
boot if the instructions were printed on the heel."
%
Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they don't want
them to become politicians in the process.
		-- John F. Kennedy
%
My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer
dahlias.
		-- William Allen White
%
My rackets are run on strictly American lines, and they're going to
stay that way.
		-- Al Capone
%
Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron... seems he's making it hard for
everyone but her.
%
Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship.  Voice or no voice, the people
can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders.  That is easy.  All you
have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger.  It works the same
in every country.
		-- Hermann Goering
%
New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House".
%
Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
		-- Henry Kissinger
%
No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher than the
interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
		-- Lenin, 1918
%
No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
		-- Richard Nixon
%
[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
		-- Edwin Meese III
%
Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
it's what you do with what you have left.
		-- Hubert H. Humphrey
%
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that
you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease."  Disraeli replied,
"That all depends upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
%
One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
attic.  He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke.
	"Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
	The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
resurrected.  I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
	"No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie.  "Your second wish?"
	"Hmmmm.  I want Genghis Khan resurrected.  I want him to re-unite the
Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
and march back home."
	"But...  well, all right!  Your third wish?"
	"I want Genghis Khan resurrected.  I want him to re-unite his ---"
	"OKOKOKOK!  Right.  Got it.  Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
to Poland three times and never invade?"
	The old man smiles.  "He has to pass through Russia six times."
%
One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
were flying together in an airplane.  Right out in the middle of nowhere
the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately,
only three parachutes could be found for the four passengers!  Andropov
grabbed one of the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the
socialist workers revolution, my life must be spared," and he jumped out
of the plane.  Then Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on
earth, I must keep the world safe for democracy," and with that he too
jumped to safety.  Now if you are following all this (or counting on your
fingers) you must see that there is only one parachute left for the two
remaining passengers.  The Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said
"I have had a long and productive life, my son.  You take the parachute
and leave me in God's hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant
scout replied, "but there is no need.  Reagan just jumped out with my
knapsack."
%
"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not
there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los
Angeles to San Diego.  We passed several state beaches, some crowded and
some virtually empty.  They had the same facilities, and in some cases
the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other.
Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more
beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded
together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and
our taxes."
		-- Ronald Reagan
%
"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it  by furnishing the
exorbitant sums demanded.  Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real."
		-- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
%
Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict.  They didn't want us
to grow up to be spoiled and rich.  If we left our tennis racquets in the
rain, we were punished.
		-- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
%
Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
	"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels,
and I will lead you to the promised land."
	Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on
your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land."
	Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising
the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land.
%
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.  I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
		-- Ronald Reagan
%
President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the
vote.  In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
		-- The Washington Post
%
[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves
to see him work.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday.  Mannis feels he must
devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
Nazi Martin Bormann.  A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
weighing the odds of a slander suit.  Mayor Koch could naturally be
reached for comment, but we chose not to listen."
		-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
%
Reagan can't ___act either.
%
REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?

SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that the
country folk in my state like to say.  It goes like this: "You can carry a
pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." I have no idea
why the country folk say this.  Maybe there's some kind of chemical
pollutant in their drinking water.  That is why I pledge to do all that I
can to protect the environment of this great nation of ours, and put prayer
back in the schools, where it belongs.  What we need is jobs, not empty
promises.  I realize I'm risking my political career be being so outspoken
on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but that's just the kind of
straight-talking honest person I am, and I can't help it.
		-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
%
Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this
country.  The remainder is thrown out.
%
Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.

Democrats eat the fish they catch.
Republicans hang them on the wall.

Republican boys date Democratic girls.  They plan to marry
Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.

Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
The remainder is thrown out.

Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
any reason why they should.  Democrats ought to, but don't.

Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
That is why there are more Democrats.
		-- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
%
Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and
the world.
		-- Senator Barry Goldwater
%
	Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
generous person.  "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.

	Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
	"There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
advertising men in charge of his campaign.
	"What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
	"That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
%
Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
%
Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
		-- John Cameron Swayze
%
SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:

	In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
violate the ABM treaty.  Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
center.  The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.

	[The construction contract for the US Embassy in Moscow was--stupidly
	 --offered for bid to Russians (the Soviet embassy in Washington was
	 built by workers brought in from the USSR for the purpose).  It should
	 have been no surprise that every support beam had surveillance
	 equipment embedded in it at the factory.  The US *acted* surprised,
	 when this eventually came to light.]
%
Seems to me that both the Democrats and the Republicans should change their
symbols to a contraceptive device; it stands for inflation, inhibits
production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives everyone a false sense of
security while they're being screwed.
%
Sen. Danforth:  "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
		notify you if the record has pornographics material or
		material glorifying violence?"
Tipper Gore:    "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
Frank Zappa:    "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on
		the album cover is good indication that it's not for little
		Johnny."

		-- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
		   lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
%
Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
		-- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
%
She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
candidates for president.
		-- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
		   Elizabeth Gould Davis
%
Sink or Swim with Teddy!
%
Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm smiling and shaking their hands,
I want to kick them.
		-- Richard M. Nixon
%
Sooner or later, generals will own you.
%
Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside.  Wheezing his last
words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
now in your hands.  But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
	"Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently.  Reaching under
his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
	"Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
open them.  Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
open the first one.  That'll give you some advice on what to do.  And, if
after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one."  And
with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
	Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless.  He decided it
was time to open the first letter.  All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
	But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
	All it said was: "Write two letters."
%
Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
		-- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
%
Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
		-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
		   the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
%
Sure there are dishonest men in local government.  But there are dishonest
men in national government too.
		-- Richard M. Nixon
%
Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.  But what if he forgets?
%
"Taxes should hurt.  I just mailed my own tax return last night and I
am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone."
		-- Ronald Reagan
%
Teddy Kennedy:	A Blonde in Every Pond!
%
Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
		-- Adolf Hitler
%
That segment of the community with which one has the greatest sympathy as
a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most narrow-minded and
bigoted segments of the community.
%
The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
		-- Al Capone
%
The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
never be plumbed and why it will go on forever.  All weapons are defensive
and all spare parts are non-lethal.  The plainest print cannot be read
through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
		-- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
%
The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
and color, but also on ability.
		-- Tom Lehrer
%
"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."
		-- Dave Barry
%
The broad mass of a nation... will more easily fall victim to a big lie
than to a small one.
		-- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
%
The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
subversives.  We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
every bird watcher in the country.
		-- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
%
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
be hushed.  A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
propagated.  If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ...  In war, then, as in peace,
assert the freedom of speech and of the press.  Cling to this as the bulwark
of all our rights and privileges.
		-- William Ellery Channing
%
The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
be permitted...  In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at
nuclear launch sites...  Under no circumstances will either side reveal
that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
		-- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
%
The difference between a misfortune and a calamity?  If Gladstone fell into
the Thames, it would be a misfortune.  But if someone dragged him out again,
it would be a calamity.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic
purges (called verifications in Newspeak).  One of the most severe took
place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
all but insignificant positions.  Any one of the following would often
result in the loss of one's job:  Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.

	A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
	"What kind of family do you come from?"
	"A rich, Jewish family."
	"And your wife?"
	"A German aristocrat."
	"Have you ever been to the West?"
	"I spent most of my life in England."
	"How did you make a living there?"
	"A friend supported me."
	"Where did you get the money from?"
	"He owned a textile factory."
	"Who was Lenin?"
	"Never heard of him."
	"What is your name?"
	"Karl Marx."
%
The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics
in general as no other can.
		-- Wilhelm Reich
%
The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a
socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave
their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy
capitalism and become lesbians.
		-- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican
		   presidential aspirant, in a letter to supporters.
%
The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics.
These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the
results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays.  What must be
kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first put
down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well pleases.
		-- Sir Josiah Stamp
%
The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
Christian Religion.
		-- George Washington
%
The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
like prostitutes.
		-- Stanley Kubrick
%
The illegal we do immediately.  The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
		-- Henry Kissinger
%
The language of politics is poetry, not prose.  Jackson is poetry.
Cuomo is poetry.  Dukakis is a word processor.
		-- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
%
The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
door with a basket of kittens.
	"Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
	"These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
Amused, the pastor said nothing.  Two weeks later he saw the same little
girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
	"My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
	"No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
	"Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
	"Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
%
The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
		-- Henry Kissinger
%
The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
are one, and that one is marxism.
		-- Heidi Hartmann, "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism
		   and Feminism"
%
[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be undecided,
resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful for impotency.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
%
The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national 
organization.
	The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness."  The
orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
	But it was not to be.  Given that this was a conference of *New*
New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
	A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
weekend came when the conference was almost at its end.  On Sunday morning,
a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
with its overwhelming whiteness..."  Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
white organization would itself constitute a racist act.  The four hundred or
so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
or elect any officers.  While recognizing "the need to examine the real
possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
demands were not met.  As *The Nation* article describes the scene:  "To their
astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
existence.  As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'"
		-- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
%
THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY.  One important reason we have a Defense
Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates
jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't
know what they'd do with it.  Probably put it in open trenches and set
it on fire.  The MX will create an especially large number of jobs
because of the number of warheads it carries.  It carries a total of 10
warheads.  This creates a great deal of employment, because you have
your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the
Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the
Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes
by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More
Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a
Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc.
We are talking about a lot of jobs.
		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
		   Political Fallout"
%
The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should serve
the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society these
institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their function
is to serve as checks upon the state.
		-- Alan Barth
%
The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in
bed with a dead girl or a live boy.
		-- Edwin Edwards, Louisiana governor
%
	"The policeman isn't there to create disorder.  The policeman is
there to ________preserve disorder."
		-- Mayor Daley
%
The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
time.  My speed is very fast.  Some ministers have had to drop out of my
government because they could not keep up.
		-- Idi Amin Dada
%
The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a
Senator.  After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state,
how is Brown going to get to Washington?
%
The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we
currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very old.
The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them are.
Insects have built nests in them.  People have built houses directly over
the silos.  What this means, of course, is that if we ever needed them to
help obliterate all human life on the planet, they could be a real
embarrassment.  I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with the prospect of
missiles that are supposed to represent you barging over the North Pole
trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some recreation room in South
Dakota, but your strategic defense planners are not.
		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
		   Political Fallout"
%
The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because
nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
		-- Paul Erdman's Money Book
%
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
taken seriously.
		-- Hubert Humphrey
%
The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
		-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
%
The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
		-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
%
The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
House Un-American Activities Committee].  We will determine what rights
you have and what rights you have not got.
		-- J. Parnell Thomas
%
The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.  That does not raise my
apprehensions one iota.
		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%
"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual curiosity."
		-- Ronald Reagan
%
The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe.
		-- Mayor Frank Rizzo
%
The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the
other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision.  Each tends to ascribe to
the other side a consistency, forsight and coherence that its own
experience belies.  Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage
to each other, not to speak of the room.
		-- Henry Kissinger
%
The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I want the job.
		-- Ronald Reagan in 1973

Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter.  Had he run unopposed he
would have lost.
		-- Mort Sahl

Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
		-- Gore Vidal

Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
I need a lot of sleep.
		-- Roy G. Blount, Jr.

You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
accurately it's called mudslinging.
		-- Walter Mondale
%
The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
"100 percent American" ...
		-- U. S. Army (1945)
%
The very first essential for success is a perpetually constant and regular
employment of violence.
		-- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
%
The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
		-- John Wayne
%
"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
%
The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
Constitution.
%
The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that
would be clearly understood.
		-- Alexander Haig
%
There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong.  What their
contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to
bomb a virgin building is terrific.
		-- Commander Henry Urban Jr.
%
There are in this country two very large monopolies.  The larger of the
two has the following record:  The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit
inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent
postcard.  The second is responsible for such things as the transistor,
the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording,
sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape,
magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV
relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer,
and the first communications satellite.  Guess which one is going to tell the
other how to run the telephone business?  I can hardly wait for the results.
%
There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America have
been in a position of trying to stop them.  With all the wealth of
America, with all of the military strength of America, those revolutions
are revolutions against a form of political and economic organization in
the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are oppressive.  They are
revolutions against feudalism.  [1952]
		-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
%
There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
wooden toilet seats.

It's called the Birch John Society.
%
There is a road to freedom.  Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
Fatherland.
		-- Adolf Hitler
%
There was a man who, every day, would buy a newspaper on the way to work,
glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy.  Day after day the
man would go through this routine.  Finally the newsboy could not stand it
and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the
front page before discarding it?"
	The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."
	"But they are on page 21.  You never even unfold the newspaper."
	"Young man," he replied, "the son-of-a-bitch I'm looking for will
be on the front page."
		-- Attributed to FDR.
%
There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were left
in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. Unfortunately,
it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they started debating
who should be allowed to stay.

The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over
the world, the President explained that if he died then America would be
stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth.  Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
We're not solving anything like this!  The only fair thing to do is to vote
on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
%
There was a young man hitchiking along a road one day.  A car stopped and the
driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?"
	He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat."
	And the driver slammed the door and rode off.  The guy was pretty
discouraged when another car came along, and the driver asked the same
question.
	The guy answered, "Uh, I'm a Democrat."
	And again, the driver slammed the door and rode off.  Now he was
downright confused when another car came along.  The driver was an attractive
lady, and she asked the same question.
	He answered: "I'm a Republican."
	And she answered, "Well, then, hop on in."
	They drove on for a few minutes when he began to notice that her
skirt was beginning to get hiked up on her thighs.  Finally, he couldn't take
it any more, and said "Ma'am, stop the car and let me out.  I've only been
a Republican for 15 minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!"
%
"There was only six Democrats in all of Hinsdale County and you, you son of
a bitch, you ate five of them."
		-- Colorado judge, sentencing Alfred E. Packer for
		   cannibalism in 1874.
%
These activities have their own rules and methods of concealment which
seek to mislead and obscure.
		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
%
They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
especially the president -- with a microscope.  I don't argue with that,
but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
		-- Richard Nixon
%
This Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance.
Czech:	Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
	took my Russian watch.
Desk Sergeant:	Come again?
Czech:	Right out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
	took my Russian watch.
DS:	You're confused.   Why would there be a Swiss soldier here?  And who
	would want to own a Russian watch?  It was a Russian soldier who
	knocked you down and took your Swiss watch, right?
Czech:	Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.
%
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution
inevitable.
		-- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
%
Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools,
and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean.  Fools and
women will take a little longer.
		-- Spiro Agnew
%
Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
		-- J. LeBoutillier
%
"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore this
is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to offer in
response is based on information available to make no such statement."
%
To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
		-- Senator Edmund Muskie
%
To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
		-- W. Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
%
To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
%
To Theodore Roosevelt:
	You are like the Wind and I like the Lion.  You form the Tempest.
The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched.  I roar in defiance but
you do not hear.  But between us there is a difference.  I, like the lion,
must remain in my place.  While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
		Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
		Lord of the Riff
		Sultan to the Berbers
		Last of the Barbary Pirates
%
Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
		-- Gore Vidal
%
Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a
bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating.
%
"Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under Communism, it's just the opposite."
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
or DMT.  "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
		-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
%
Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN.
	Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
	I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down
	on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH QEH GOFTEH BANDE.
	I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
%
Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:

AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.
	It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to
	travel in the trunk of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO
GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN.
	If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital
	appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my
	country in public.

KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY.
	I will tell you the names and addresses of
	many American spies traveling as reporters.
%
Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:

MAMNOUNAN GHORBAN IN DAFAYEH MEEMUNAM.
	It is with greatest pleasure that I sign
	this confession of capital crimes.

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.
	The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
	The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you.
	I must have the recipe.

ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE
DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ.
	Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed 
	self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.
%
	Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
up to 340."

	On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."

	A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs.  They look good but they don't
work."
		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
%
Vote early and vote often.
		-- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
		   campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926.  Big Bill won.
%
Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and TAX-DEFERRED!
%
Waldheimer's disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi.
%
Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
		-- John F. Kennedy
%
Washington, D.C.   Wasting your money since 1810.
%
We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
socialism, because socialism is defunct.  It dies all by itself.  The bad
thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
		-- Fidel Castro
%
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%
We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified... to do the unnecessary...
for the ungrateful...
		-- GI in Vietnam, 1970
%
We are upping our standards ... so up yours.
		-- Pat Paulsen for President
%
We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is deceased.
My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
		-- James E. Day, Postmaster General
%
We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
		-- Richard Nixon
%
We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
feet and go skating.
		-- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist.
%
We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
		-- James Watt, noted ecologist
%
We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
levels of destructiveness upon old ones.  We have done this helplessly,
almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper.  And the result
is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
		-- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
%
We have no scorched earth policy.  We have a policy of scorched Communists.
		-- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
%
We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess.  We must condemn
once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like the formula
'art for art's sake.'  We must organize shock-brigades of chess-players, and
begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan for chess.
		-- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
		   (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
		   of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
		   "Stalin," published London, 1939
%
We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
		-- Walter Lippmann
%
"We should declare war on North Vietnam.  We could pave the whole
country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
		-- Ronald Reagan
%
We should keep the Panama Canal.  After all, we stole it fair and square.
		-- S.I. Hayakawa
%
WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT.  The MX is really
[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-
reduction talks with the Russians.  See, we have a problem with the
Russians.  They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George
Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this
unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as
though he just inhaled a helium party balloon.  If he ever becomes
President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so
they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to
George talk.
		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
		   Political Fallout"
%
Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot
of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke.  Hartke is a governor or
mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the reason you'll be
reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top contenders for the 1984
Democratic presidential nomination.  These men will spend the next 18 months
going around the country engaging in the most degrading activities
imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and appearing on "Meet the Press."
"Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday morning public interest shows that
the public is not the least bit interested in.  It features a panel of
reporters who ask questions of a guest politician, who wins an Amana home
freezer if he can get through the entire show without answering a single
question ...
		-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
%
Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
		-- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
%
What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?

A Dan Quayle watch.
%
What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry Ford?

Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
%
What is truth?  We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
to be the truth.  A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
may, therefore, be justified.  The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
big thumping lie that will then be believed.
		-- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
		   British civilian morale, 1939
%
What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
		-- Adolph Hitler
%
"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo tactics
*with* Gestapo tactics?"
		-- Reuben Flagg
%
When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
was bound to happen in a democratic system.  However, we National Socialists
never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
		-- Josef Goebbels
%
When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that can't happen.
		-- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
%
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
		-- Calvin Coolidge
%
When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
		-- Richard Nixon
%
	When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
political views.
	"Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer.  He was
driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
'Why don't we sit closer together?  Before we were married, we always sat
closer together.'  The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
	"I ain't moved," added Cotton.  "I found the trend of Government has
moved farther to the left."
		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
%
While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
held a gun to his head.
	"Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
	The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
	"Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
	Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
his head.  "Go ahead and shoot."
%
"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall.  That way, by the
time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
%
Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
		-- Nathan Pusey
%
Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
Union.  I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
them again -- and this time we'd use it.
		-- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
		   White House's National Security Council, Washington
		   Post, 21 March, 1982
%
"Yes, that was Richard Nixon.  He used to be President.  When he left
the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."
		-- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
%
"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but
only for a limited period of time.  Why should we think that collectively,
as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"
		-- Ronald Reagan
%
You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard.  A justice of the
peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill.  In the
municipal courts, he will cost you ten.  In the circuit or superior
courts, he wants fifteen.  The state appellate courts or the state
supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts.  By the time a judge
reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
between the ears.  He's heavy.  You can't buy a Federal judge for less
than a twenty-dollar bill.
		-- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
%
You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
		-- Boris Yeltsin
%
You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
		-- Richard Nixon, 1952
%
You can't underestimate the power of fear.
		-- Tricia Nixon
%
You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
		-- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
%
You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.  Now it's our turn.
		-- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
%
You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
on whether [the press] fear you.  It is just as simple as that.
		-- Richard Nixon
%
You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation
as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases
which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence.
		-- Charles A. Beard
%
A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar
by starting a gimmick involving a horse.  His claim was that if anyone could
get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house.  The idea
worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and
whispered in the horse's ear.  The horse immediately burst into hysterical
laughter and the man won the contest.  The next night the same thing
happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out
laughing.  The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules.  Now,
a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the
house.  Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the
horse into the bathroom for a minute?  I promise I'll make him cry."  The
bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse,
the horse was crying his eyes out.  The bartender could take it no more and
said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?"
	"I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man.
	"How did you make him cry tonight?"
	"I proved it."
%
A child can go only so far in life without potty training.  It is not
mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
		-- Dave Barry
%
A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
chance their seats were next to the elephant pen.  When his father left
to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
	"Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
	"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
	"No, not that."
	"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
	"No, Mom.  Down underneath."
	His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
	Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get
a soda.  As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
	"That's the elephant's trunk, son."
	"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is.  The thing at the
other end."
	"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
	"No.  Down there."
	The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
penis."
	"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
	The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
that woman."
%
A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
following sunrise.  That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
the following morning.  The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time.  When the dog is brought by the
Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
At once the dog runs off over the hill.  Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night.  When the dog is
brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
%
A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
%
	A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice
from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion.
 	"This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick.  But I think
you can take him.  Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let
him get you in the Pretzel hold.  With his strength you'd never get out."
	The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths
are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned.  The American slowly
gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in
the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal
Pretzel hold.
	The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down
on the bench with his head between his hands.  All of a sudden, there's a
scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and
pinning the Russian.  After the match, in the dressing room, the coach
finally gets the winner alone.  "Great job!  But how the hell did you get out
of the Pretzel Hold?  I thought it was over for sure!"
 	"Well, I did too.  I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw
this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes.  I figured
what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could.  Coach,
you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!"
%
	A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands.  They
were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
the snake's head.  Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
downward to break the snake's spine.  All went well for the landing, the
charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle.  At one foxhole site, two
men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
blood.  He collapsed to the ground.  His buddies were so shocked they could
only blurt out, "What happened?"
	"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me.  I
grabbed its tail end with my left hand.  I placed my right hand above my left
hand.  I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
the snake.  When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
%
A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick"
contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000.
	"Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing
out in public!"
	"But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money."
	"I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot.  "I don't want you
showing that thing to everybody."
	And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening
when he hands her $1000.
	"Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want
you to?" she asks.
	"Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says.  "I thought we could use
the money."
	"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says,
tears welling up in her eyes.
	"Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
%
	A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder.  He walks
up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the
little Leprechaun.
	After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder,
struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction
worker.  Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp,
Bronx cheer.  And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder.  The worker is
pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners.
	After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again.
Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and,
after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him
in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off
his little dick!"
	Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
	"Yeah?  Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?"
	"PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!"
%
A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got
some good news and some bad news."
	"Tell me the good news first" the patient replies.
	"The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches
longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says.
	"That's great!" says his patient.  "What's the bad news?"
	"Malignant."
%
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged.  Well, this 
particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the 
man's penis.  Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very 
fancy restaurant.  After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, 
felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under 
the tablecloth.  The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
	Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
quickly disappeared.  The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
	With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
%
A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer.  The bartender
shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
	"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold
the glass for me?
	"Sure," said the bartender.
	"If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket,
you'll find the money for the beer."
	The bartender got the money and rang up the bill.
	"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
Where is the men's room?"
	"Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk
two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner."
%
A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment
for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home.  One day the son
wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best
old age home that money can buy.
	On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts
to lean a little bit to one side.  Right away a nurse runs over and gently
straightens the old man.  A little later he's eating dinner, and when he
finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side.  Another nurse runs
over and gently pushes him upright again.
	The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's
being treated.
	"It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father.  "I really like
it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable,
there's just one little problem."
	"What's that, Dad?"
	"They won't let you fart."
%
A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again.  The mouse worked
his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
	"Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?"
	"Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle.
	The mouse's eyes bugged out.  "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?"
%
A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
%
A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game.  It
happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball
greats are there.  The son escorts his father to box seats right on the
third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap.
	The first batter up is Mickey Mantle.  On the second pitch he
swings that bat and CRACK!  The ball ricochets off the wall for a double.
The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey!
Runna Mickey!"
	The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio.  The pitcher, pitching him
carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner.
	"Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins
to walk to first base.
	The father yells out, "Runna Joe!  Runna Joe!"
	"No, no, Pop," corrects his son.  "He got four balls.  He walks."
	And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud
Joe.  Walka proud."
%
A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the
animals.  When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby
attendant.
	"Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
pricks than those raised in Africa?"
	The attendant hesitated for a moment.  "Well, ma'am," he answered,
"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are 
about the same."
%
A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the
century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very
rare and exotic.  One night one of the elephants escaped.  It was hungry
and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard.  The woman, who had
never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police.

Little Old Lady:  "There's a *huge* monster in my garden!
Police:	"Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right.  Now exactly what
	does it look like?"
LOL:	"It's a dark color and it's tremendous!  It's pulling up my
	vegetables with its tail!"
Police:	"With its tail?  Then what's it doing?"
LOL:	"You wouldn't believe me if I told you!"
%
	A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West.  The
Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."
	The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for
miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that.
	Replies the Indian, "Ear wet."
		-- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
		   Life in the Universe"
%
A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high
dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her.  She was a little worried
about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
	"Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot
with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too
much.  I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!"
	The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
side effect of testosterone.  Just where has this hair appeared?"
	"On my balls."
%
A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have
sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite
off his penis.
	The years go by, and the boy finally marries.  After a rather
uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he
tell her why he won't make love to her.
	"Well, honey," he replies.  "You have... teeth... down there."
	"What!?" she replies unbelievingly.  "No I don't!  Honest, darling,
come here and look for yourself."
	The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly.
	"There!" his wife says triumphantly.  "Now do you believe me?"
	"Yes," replied her husband.  "And your gums are in *terrible*
condition."
%
A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade...
She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy,
three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend.
%
Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages --
such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches.
%
All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a
penis or a vagina.
		-- Florynce Kennedy

There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis
or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
		-- Gloria Steinem
%
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
remains of her cat.  As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the
driver, "I have a dead pussy."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit
with my wife.  You two have a lot in common."
%
And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax.
... a brief pause, and then Bing!
%
Anything more than three shakes is for fun.
%
Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee 
Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was the new bait.
The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about 
cheese, except mice.  But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with 
tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped.
		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
%
Captain Hook died of jock itch.
%
"Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty,"
the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his
client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is
a hole in the ground."
%
Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
		-- Socrates' last words
%
Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted
to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper.  In the ad she made it
quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly.  Phone calls started coming
in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck 
the young woman's fancy.  Until one night her doorbell rang.  Opening the door 
she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in 
response to her advertisement.  "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my 
ad was quite explicit.  I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert, 
and you... uh... don't have all the..."

"Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
%
Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
		-- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
%
Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
%
Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
%
	Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants?  Yes, ferrets,
those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing
needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth.  The English do it for sport.
	Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitors's trousers at
the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets.
No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own.  The
ferrets must be young and in good condition.  Neither the ferret or the
contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only.  The trousers
should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to
the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better.
	Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds.
The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record
of 5 hours and 26 minutes.  Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is
not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten
and not care."
%
Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside.  You had an arse full
of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows,
long windy ones, quick little merry cracks...
		-- James Joyce
%
Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years.  After their usual
Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game
shower for the first time.  His friends were surprised - "For twenty years",
one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for
us in the clubhouse.  Why the sudden change?"
	"Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual
medical condition.  I had both a penis and a vagina.  Last month I finally
decided to have the vagina removed."
	The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust.  "You
mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all
these years?"
%
From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the
fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it.  The
moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and
whispered,
	"Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine
inches?"
There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said,
	"You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times
in a row!"
%
Good day for water sports.  Take a bath with a friend.
%
Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one.  Its traditional
concerns are all pubescent.  Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
disguised.  Aliens have tentacles.  Telepathy allows you to have sex without
any nasty inconvenience of touching.  Womblike spaceships provide balanced
meals.  No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot.  As for the
adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests.  The most popular
sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
universe while straddling a giant worm.
		-- Arnold Klein
%
Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half
are about penis size.  And what I want to know is, if all you're doing
is jerking off, why do you care how big it is?
		-- From alt.sex
%
Halt!!  Who goes there, friend or enema?
%
Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished
when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his
boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week,
off.  Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting
that he go straight to bed.  Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice,
he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with
a stretcher.
	"But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine."
Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the
enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself.
	"Looks good, feels good...  No, you look like hell.  Looks good,
feels terrible...  Nah, you feel fine, right?"
Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said,
	"Looks terrible, feels terrible...  Nope, that won't do it either."
Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!!  You're a vagina!"
%
He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong,
muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water.
But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say,
a pocket camera?
		-- An Exciting Journey
%
He who farts in church must sit in his own pew.
%
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest
in a yak.
		-- Woody Allen
%
HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28
	Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with
	Fantastik or the like.  Use Windex on the glass however, and
	be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between
	the keys.
%
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
		-- Steven Pearl
%
I choked Linda Lovelace.
%
I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness,
but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs
and wallowing in its odor.
		-- Salvador Dali
%
	I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her
just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8".
	I said, "7 and 7/8?!  What did you measure 'em with?"
	And she replied, "A Stetson."
%
I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend!
Go release your bowels on some lesser personage!
		-- W.C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead
%
"I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
the American said to an Algerian camel merchant.  "Is it possible?"
	"All things are possible," replied the merchant.  He proceeded to
take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water.  After the
camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
	The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
like twenty more gallons of water.
	The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant.  "My God,
man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
	The merchant shrugged.  "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
bricks."
%
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right.   When I put on my shirt
the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces.  What a lot we had
found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized dung of
long-vanished animals.  A miraculous thing, really; a recovery from the
past from what was carelessly rejected.  And in the Middle Ages, how
concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were with the
feces of animals.  And what a variety of names they had for them: the
Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of an Otter, the
Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets of a Deer.
Surely there might be some words for the material so near to the heart of
Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? What about the
Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a Footballer, the
Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, the Footnotes of a
Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties of an Untenured Professor?
		-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
%
I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.  
I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts.
		-- Firesign Theatre
%
I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
		-- Billy Braver
%
I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
%
I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front!
		-- Rodney Dangerfield's wife
%
In France they piss on Main Street.  (In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display).
		-- Joni Mitchell
%
In outer space, nobody can hear you fart.
%
It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the
war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by
teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine."  He asked a nurse
to fetch him a sample of urine.  He then talked at length about Diabetes
mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that
the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which
means sweet as honey.  Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine
of a diabetic ..."
	By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the
registrar promptly held up like a trophy.  We stared at that straw-colored
fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before.  The registrar then
startled us.  He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his
finger with the tip of his tongue.  As if tasting wine, he opened and closed
his lips rapidly.  Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar?  The sample
was passed on to us for an opinion.  We all dipped a finger into the fluid,
all of us foolishly licked that finger.
	"Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first
principle of diagnosis.  I mean the power of observation."  We were baffled.
We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some
anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said
continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but
licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps.
%
It takes leather balls to play rugby.
	(Blood makes the grass grow!)
%
It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had
gathered for the ball.  A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag
line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself.
Turning to  another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't
they beautiful?"
	"Just fair," was the answer.
	"You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another,
asked his opinion.
	"They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited
about."
	"Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse.  "Now
you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?"
	"To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs;
I'm a tit mouse myself."
%
Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.  She wore a bathing suit
the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.  She'd hardly
begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
	"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.  "The Hilton doesn't
mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
	"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.  "No one
can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
	"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.  "You're lying on
the dining room skylight."
%
Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about cultivating
fruitful confusion.  Lorenz lived among his research subjects:  dozens of
species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes.  He did not quantify, control,
or consciously experiment.  He got to know each creature individually, then
threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the unusual, or the bizarre
in the chaos that followed.  For example, his interest in one of ethology's
most important concepts, that of intention movements (motions with meaning,
such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an alarm signal before
flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment.  He had trained a free-flying
raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding the bird for several
hours one day.  He would reach into his pants pocket and take out a piece of
meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its bill.  By and by, Lorenz
went to relieve himself near a hedge.  When the raven saw him put his hand
into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily
grasping the new mouthful in its bill.  Lorenz howled in pain.  But the event
left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to
intention movements, that is.
		-- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science.
%
Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys.  That's
the hardest shot for the well endowed.  "I've got to hit over them or
under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
to me.  Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with her.
		-- Billie Jean King
%
Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!"
Pro:	"Ummm, well, where?"
Lady:	"Between the 1st and 2nd holes."
Pro:	"That's going to real tough to treat."
%
... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?  What's that?
A chartreuse flamethrower?
		-- Opus
%
Man in stall:
	Hey, buddy?  Is there any toilet paper out there?
Man at sink:
	No, I don't see any.  Just a second...  Nope, none in
	any of the other stalls either.
A minute passes.
Man in stall:
	Say, buddy?
Man at sink:
	Yeah?
Man in stall:
	You got change for a ten?
%
Man who dance in crowded ballroom dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him.
%
Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up.
%
Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity.
%
May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H.
%
May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
%
Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low
opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer!
%
"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's testicles
for a bet...  God, that bloody sheep kicked him!"
		-- Ripping Yarns
%
	Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the
mirror, admiring her breasts.
	"And what do you think you're doing?" he asked.
	"I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a 
twenty-five-year-old."
	"Oh yeah?  And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old ass?"
	"Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
%
Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone!
%
My mother didn't breast-feed me.  She said she liked me as a friend.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
My wife has breast cancer.  She told me to start dating.
		-- Howard Stern
%
Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely.  I confess I do not admire
naked boys.  They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly
sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up.
		-- Lewis Carroll
%
Naked couple in bed, woman says to man:
	"When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks."
%
Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'!  Well, you can call me 'Ray', or
you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray
J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or
you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'...
%
Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
bored after dinner one night.  He decided to hold a contest of who at the
court had the mightiest "weapon".  The first knight stood up and proclaimed
that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5
pound weight around it.  The weapon doth rose.  The crowds cheered... the
women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band
played appropriate music.
	Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon.
He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself.  The weapon doth
rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved
multi-colored banners...  and the band played appropriate music.
	After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...  the
King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffe pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered...  the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
%
Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
%
One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an
anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road.  Stopping the car,
he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help.
Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes,
threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch.
The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways.
	Two months later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when
he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road.  Investigating
the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole.
"Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse.  "I saved you
with my car once, remember?"
	"Course I'll help you, little fellow," roared the lion.  "I'll just
lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there
in a jiffy."  Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on
the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion.
	"Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly.  "It just goes
to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes."
%
One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot
tall on his shoulder and orders a beer.  The bartender serves the man a beer;
to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow
of the brew and spits it in his face.  After a few minutes the customer
orders another beer and the exact same thing happens.  Well, by this time,
the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take
care of the dwarf.  So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink
all your beer and spit it in my face?"
	"Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie
and he granted me three wishes.  I asked for a million dollars, the most
beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick.
%
One who does not know a burro from a burrow does not know his ass from a
hole in the ground!
%
Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to look
at the other guy's.
		-- Hal Hickman
%
						PLAYGIRL, Inc.
						Philadelphia, Pa.  19369

Dear Sir:
	Your name has been submitted to us with your photo.  I regret to
inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold.  On
a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
ranging in age from 60 to 75 years.  We tried to assemble a panel in the
age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
long enough to reach a decision.  Should the taste of the American woman
ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
in our magazine, you will be notified by this office.  Please, don't call
us.
	Sympathetically,
	Amanda L. Smith

p.s.	We also want to commend you for your unusual pose.  Were you
	wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
%
Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame cermony, [Cash] went to
the bathroom.  "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked
in...  He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a
picture of this.'  I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'"
		-- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash.
%
Raquel Welch:		36-24-36
Bo Derek:		35-24-36
Ann-Margaret:		37-25-36
Bette Middler:		37-25-36
Marilyn Monroe:		37-24-37
Jane Russell:		39-27-38
Jayne Mansfield:	40-23-37
Sophia Loren:		37-25-36
%
Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls.
%
Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
counter and rings the bell.  The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
you?".
	The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
	"Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
you like me to put it on your bill?"
	Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
%
Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
that the only thing for his headaches was castration.  After a few more
months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
	The guy is amazed.  "How'd you know?"
	"Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
a quarter inch on every piece of clothing."  The salesman's claim is borne
out.  Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long.  And so on and so forth.
When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
some new underwear.
	The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
	"No, that's wrong," says the man.  "I've always worn a 32."  The
salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far.  The man argues, agreeing
that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
	Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
you *have* to wear a 34.  Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
%
Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth.
%
	Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his
exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?"
	Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee."
	Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of
love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a
prick."
	"Oh, come now," the girl chided.  "I've seen lots of pricks and I
assure you, that's a wee-wee."
%
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
%
Size counts.
%
Sniff sniff...  Hey!  Who farted?
%
Snow White:
	"Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches...
	but not an inch-and-a-half at a time!
%
... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even
worse is, our standards keep changing.  Take Playboy magazine.  Back in the
1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
showed was women's breasts.  Granted, any given one of these breasts would
have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect
was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such
as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
Sometimes guys'll say to you, "Have a good one."  I say, "I already have
a good one.  Now I'm looking for a longer one."
		-- George Carlin
%
Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice.
		-- James P. Hogan
%
The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
cactus has the pricks on the outside.
%
	The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant.  A
waiter approached the table.  "Good afternoon, sir.  What may I serve you?"
	"I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered.
	As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he
wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves.  Soon the waiter
returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal
two tempting filet mignons.  From a covered pocket in his apron he produced
a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat
from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate.  "We never touch anything
with our hands," he explained.
	The waiter continued serving.  "Confidentially," he said, "we even
have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory.  Do you see this
little piece of string attached to my apron?"
	"Yes," the diner replied.  "I noticed that all the aprons had one."
	The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs.
"Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string
comes in very handily.  I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that
piece of string.  That way everything stays sanitary."
	"But how do you put it back?"
	"Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but
I use the tongs."
%
The only way for writers to meet is to share a quick pee over a common lamppost.
		-- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir"
%
The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy.
%
The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis".  This is true in
almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people
have attempted to explain why.  Usually these explanations get bogged
down in silly puns about "standing erect".
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
	The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did
wonderfully in time trials.  However, in actual races he proved a little too
romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
	So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be
castrated.  The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue
factory, took it philosophically.  After all, having the operation was
almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
	After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time
trials, and found to do as well as ever.  But the first time he actually
ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look
on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
	"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
	"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand
people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?"
%
The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he 
found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the 
rates were only $70.  The following morning he went down to the hotel's
golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
"Sure," said Scotty.  "That'll be $25 apiece."
	"What?" screamed the bachelor.  "In the hotel across the street
they only charge $1 a ball!"
	"Naturally," replied the pro.  "Over there they get you by the
rooms."
%
There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth-
brushes.  His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to
follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such
good results.  It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the
corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the
assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side various chips and garnishes
and a bowl of brownish stuff.  He would grab a likely customer and give them
the following pitch.
	"Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for --- brand
of chip dip.  Would you care to give it a try?"
	At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream
in utter disgust, "This tastes like shit!"
	The salesman would smile and say, "It is.  You want to buy a
toothbrush?"
%
There's a vas deferens between men and women.
%
	This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks
the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet.  It works: four
months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem.
He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be.  He calls
up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry.  "There's a special
surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him.  "Just
come on over to the clinic."
	"But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand.  I'm too
embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
	"Don't give it another thought," says the doctor.  "Simply pull up
all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put
on a top hat, and come on over."
	The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk,
dying of self-consciousness.  "The doctor will be right with you," says the
nurse.  "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
	"My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"
%
This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night.  Men and women
stood three-deep at the bar.  Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, 
looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john.  He saw a 
stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly 
desperate search.  Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a 
one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor.  Now, at the end of his control, he 
decided to take advantage of the hole.  He dropped his pants, hunched over it, 
and did his thing.  Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the 
steps to find, to his suprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
	"Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
	From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey!  Where were you when
the shit hit the fan?"
%
This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two
-- black eyes; a coupla real shiners.  He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th'
other way... they stopped to talk...  "Hey guy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja
git them good lookin' shiners?  Musta been a helluva fight."
	"Well, actually, I got them in church," sez he.
	"Nowwaitaminnit," sez the friend, "nobody gits black eyes in church!"
	"I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened.  We all got up
to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all
stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an'
all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her.  And you know what?
She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!"
	"Well," his buddy replies, after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff
explains one of 'em.  Howdja git th' other one?"
	"Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does
me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in."
%
This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted.  He
obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks
and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon.  Swinging
off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an
affectionate slap on the neck.  Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging
on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up its
tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole.
	"What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed.
	"Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors.
	"Wait a minute," said the old guy.  "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?"
	"Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy.
%
Tonight's piss is tommorrow's Tang.
		-- An American astronaut
%
Two Peace Corps doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital
were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that
went along these lines:
	(1st doctor)	"No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'"
	(2nd doctor)	"No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'"
and this continued for quite sometime.
	Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is
'womb'" and trotted off.
	(1st doctor)	"That shows you what she knows."
	(2nd doctor)	"Yeah.  I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus,
let alone heard one fart underwater."
%
USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --
massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and
a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least
expect it.
		-- Gene Spafford
%
Well, God gave me a bust.  What am I supposed to do with it?
		-- Martha Mitchell
%
What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how
she would look without them.
		-- Brendan Francis
%
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who
was pretty, chic, and intelligent.  When he persuaded her to disrobe in his
hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well.  Unfortunately, as
will happen, the executive sadly found himself unable to perform.
	On his first night home, the executive padded naked from the shower
into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie
magazine.  And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
erection. 
	Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful,
mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch!  Now I know why they call you a prick!"
%
Why not, for example, offer a brand-new Mustang convertible to every girl
who consents to having her Fallopian tubes tied in a Gordian knot?  ... It
would have the additional benefit of eliminating from the gene pool those
stupid enough to consent to such a deal.
		-- Edward Abbey
%
Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in a dark suit;
you get a warm feeling but nobody notices.
%
Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy?
%
Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
%
You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length.
%
You know what burns my ass?  A flame about three feet high.
%
You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass.
%
A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
		-- Saul Alinsky
%
They don't suffer.  They can't even speak English.
		-- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
		   question about the suffering of starving miners.
%
We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
		-- J. Edgar Hoover
%
A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove
anything.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick
fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off
the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car.
	The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate
to be alive.  The Catholic crossed himself.  Then the Protestant crossed
himself in an accentuated manner.
	"Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not
Catholic!"
	"Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again,
"spectacles, testicles, wallet, pen."
%
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
		-- Thomas Ybarra
%
A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
%
A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
he could be elected Pope of Rome.  Both high posts are reserved for men
favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
%
	A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven.  His guide is pointing
out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"
	"Oh, you don't want to look down there.  That's hell!"
	The man creeps up to the edge and looks over.  He sees lush, green
valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere.  "This doesn't look so bad,"
he says.
	Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down.  "Damn!" he snaps,
"Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"
%
A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it.  As he
was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
	"Is anybody there?"
A deep majestic voice answered,
	"Yes my son, I am here.  What do you need?"
	"Help me!!" cried the man.
	"I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
you'll be safe.  All you have to do is trust."
The man thought for a moment and cried out:
	"Anybody ELSE up there?"
%
A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
%
"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
scruples and the police."
		-- Mr. Dooley
%
A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
		-- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
%
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is
having fun.
%
A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
	The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
Bishop."
	"Well, could you get any higher than that?"
	"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
might be made an Archbishop."
	"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
	"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
	"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
	Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could
be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
	"And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
up from being the Pope?"
	"What?!  I should be the Messiah himself?!"
	The rabbi leaned back and smiled.  "One of our boys made it."
%
"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
Western science."
		-- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
%
All Gods were immortal.
		-- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
%
All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most injurious things
against him, but we never hear his side.
		-- Mark Twain
%
All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog.
		-- R. Crumb
%
Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every
subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted
to a certain publicity and impartiality.  All proffered samples of learning
must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to common tests.  It is the
essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that any such "show-down" is
sacrilegious and perverse.  The characteristic of religion, from their point
of view, is that it is intellectually secret, not public; peculiarly revealed,
not generally known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested
in ordinary ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion
is conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists,
there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in religion
in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics where the method
of free inquiry has made its way.  The "religious" would be the last to be
willing that either the history of the content of religion should be taught
in this spirit; while those to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely
a technical device, but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must
protest against its being taught in any other spirit.
		-- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
%
An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
%
"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest
unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
provideth that they are nice and fresh.'"
		-- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
%
...And have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and
the Holy Ghost partying together at the same time?  Oh, sure, everybody
talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder...
%
	And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
	They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground
of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood
revealed."
	And Jesus replied, "What?"
%
...and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers.  No matter how assured
we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful
inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions.  This is true in religion
as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the
naive.  As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we
might be advised to leave them to heaven.  They will not, unfortunately, do
us the same courtesy.  They attack us and each other, and whatever their
protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear
that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword.  My own belief in
God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge.  My respect
for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most
virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth.  But even well-educated Christians are
frustated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record.  Such ambiguity
is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar
is perfectly aware of it.  Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to
obscure such reality.
		-- Steve Allen
%
	And on the third day, Christ arose, pushed aside the rock that had
served as the tomb door, and walked again on the earth.
	And as he departed, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left
open.  "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?"
%
Ankh if you love Isis.
%
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
to anything -- less likely.  Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
years, left the sect he was associated with.  The problem is that once the
untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
suprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
		-- Steve Allen
%
As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will
have to consider the possibility of a gay pope.  Possibly the largest
issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just
simply marvelous."
%
As the recent sightings of bumper stickers reading "IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS
VEHICLE WILL BE UNMANNED" have created a great deal of confusion, Fortune
offers the following excerpts from the 1989 printing of the State of Maryland
Driver's Handbook:
	If you notice a glorious light in the sky, a sound as of an infinite
choir of unearthly voices, and a host of winged beings descending from the
heavens, do not panic.  If you are on the freeway, move to the shoulder as
soon as it is safe to do so, activate your hazard blinkers, and wait for the
end of the world.  If you are Saved, it is especially important that you do
this BEFORE you are carried to your Eternal Reward, in order that your vehicle
not become a hazard to others.  Remember, Rapture is the number one cause of
automobile accidents during major spiritual upheavals.  You may experience a
feeling of discorporation ("being pulled from one's body") while driving.  To
ensure the safety of your passengers and other drivers, move to the shoulder
as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms:
	-- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness.
	-- Visions of the faces of deceased family members.
	-- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of
white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintainance officers,
who wear dark blue and safety orange.)
	Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings.  If still in
your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive
you to a hospital at once.  If you find yourself in the Kingdom of God, consult
the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations.
%
As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his divinity.
		-- Benjamin Franklin
%
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
If God won't have you, the devil must.
%
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
%
Better the prince of some inferior court,
Than second, or less, in beatific light.
		-- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
%
Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies.  The
danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
		-- St. Augustine
%
Brother Jim's recent appearance on the William and Mary campus this past
week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science
students.  A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined,
with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of
the small Gideon bibles.  The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected
to provide up to 2,000 PSIG.  Prelimary estimates during field testing
revealed a muzzle velocity of approximarly 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
the tube.  Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to
campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on
Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in
addition to the usual humiliation.
%
Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
%
Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years.  Now when
Communion is served there is also a salad bar.
		-- Bill Marr
%
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
%
Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really.  Growing up in
a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God.
In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents.
%
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found
difficult and not tried.
		-- G. K. Chesterton
%
Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple
and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and
because good teachers understand exactly why it is false.  What could be
more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our
entire intellectualy heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment
to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any
general understanding of science as an enterprise?
		-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer"
%
Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
		-- Madonna
%
Cthulhu Cthucks!
%
Cthulhu for President!
	(If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
%
Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
%
David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather.
%
Dear Ann Landers:
	My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday.  He claims
one minister said there are 350 different sins.  My husband wants to
know if you can get the list.  He thinks he is missing something.
		-- E.J. Mayfield
%
Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
		-- L. Ron Hubbard
%
Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
%
Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
%
... difference of opinion is advantagious in religion.  The several sects
perform the office of a common censor morum over each other.  Is uniformity
attainable?  Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
		-- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
%
Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening
sight I have ever seen."  His companion was surprised to see nothing
more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
on the child's shoulder.  "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning
out of the car.  "Run for your life!"
%
During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
been upon trial.  What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
		-- James Madison
%
Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order.  Fair Game.  May be deprived of
property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
of the Scientologist.  May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
		-- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
%
Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
		-- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
%
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
		-- Mark Twain
%
Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
all your troubles.
		-- Andrew Jackson

The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
		-- Calvin Coolidge

Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
religious sentiment.  Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
secure which is not supported by moral habits.
		-- Daniel Webster
%
God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
days and then pulled an all-nighter.
%
God is a polytheist.
%
God is an atheist.
%
GOD is applied POWER
    which is applied GOVERNMENT
	which is applied POLITICS
	    which is applied ADVERTISING
		which is applied SOCIOLOGY
		    which is applied PSYCHOLOGY
			which is applied BIOLOGY
			    which is applied CHEMISTRY
				which is applied PHYSICS
				    which is applied MATH
					which is applied PHILOSOPHY
					    which is applied BULLSHIT
%
"God is as real as I am," the old man said.  My faith was restored, for
I knew that Santa would never lie.
%
"God is big, so don't fuck with him."
%
God is not dead -- he's been busted.
%
God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's.
%
God is not dead.  He is alive and well and working on a much less
ambitious project.
%
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here
on the label.  If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these
divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you.  No
checks, please.  Cash and in small bills.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
%
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
%
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
%
God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
%
God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
%
God votes Republican.
%
	God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
where to go.
	"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
	"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
	"Well, how about Mercury?"
	"No, it's too hot there."
	"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
	"No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips.  When I was
there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
still talking about it."
%
God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love
Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it
will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else
in the vicinity.  However, it is just fine to honk to annoy the turkey simply
for being a turkey, for God told Man to be fruitful and multiply, and to rule
over the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, and that includes the
turkeys who buy such bumper stickers.  Of course, God understands that innocent
bystanders will also be annoyed, but He has wisely created traffic cops to
impose some constraint on how much we may annoy the turkeys within city limits,
for God's wisdom comprehends full well that thou shalt not make an omelette
without breaking eggs.  God only wishes they were turkey eggs, so such moral
dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming
(hallelujah) won't have so many turkeys to deal with.  But God knows full well
that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than
expected, and may be with us for a long time yet.
%
He has been known by many names;  the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
		-- Stig's Inferno
%
Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, on October
23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
		-- Dr. John Lightfoot,
		Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
%
History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
i.e., none to speak of.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise.  There
is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being.  But like any
powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
sparingly.  The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
not using their religious clout with wisdom.  They are trying to force
government leaders into following their position 100 percent.  If you disagree
with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both.  I'm frankly sick and
tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
"D."  Just who do they think they are?  And from where do they presume to
claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me?  And I am even more
angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
call in the Senate.  I am warning them today:  I will fight them every step
of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
in the name of "conservatism."
		-- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
%
I am an atheist, thank God!
%
I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost
perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are
too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it
the one immortal blemish of mankind.
		-- Fredrich Nietzsche
%
I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
nor by any Church that I know of.  My own mind is my own Church.
		-- Thomas Paine
%
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use.
		-- Galileo Galilei
%
I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
		-- Heard in Bethlehem
%
I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
honest difference of opinion.
		- Isaac Asimov
%
	"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
	"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy
products."
		-- The Life of Brian
%
"I'd like to start a new religion.  One that doesn't use a dead young
man as its logo."
		-- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
%
I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man.
%
I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe that I could have been created by man.
%
If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then I
have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
plentiful as blackberries.
		-- Leslie Stephen
%
If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
		-- William Blake
%
If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
		-- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
%
"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10
apostles."
%
If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
		-- Yiddish saying
%
If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible
carpenter.
		-- Gene Kirkwood, on Hollywood
%
If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.  They
would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it.
		-- Thomas Carlyle
%
If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
far to seek. ...  The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
get an unfair advantage.
		-- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
%
If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
this would be a better world.
		-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
%
If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
I would have recommended something simpler.
		-- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
		   Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
%
If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
should join

		THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF

The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who
don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.  In
addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the
following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma:

    --  That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
        UFOs come.
    --  That pi equals precisely 3.000.
    --  That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
    --  That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
        the circle.
    --  That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
    --  That pi equals precisely 22/7.

Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
done in a Hollywood special effects studio.  These will be the subject
of a forthcoming Papal Bull ...
%
If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
in the Bible.
		-- Mordecai Richler
%
If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
%
Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
		-- John Lennon, "Imagine"
%
"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with
reality at any point."
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%
In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless
he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client
has not spoken with Roberts for several years.  Off the record, God has stated
that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time
ago."
		-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
%
	In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be mud."
	And there was mud.
	And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
can see what we have done."
	And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
man.  Mud-as-man alone could speak.
	"What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
	"Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
	"Certainly," said man.
	"Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
	And He went away.
		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
%
"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time
someone writes `bible thumpers?'
		-- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu
%
It is convenient that there be gods, and, as it is convenient, let us
believe there are.
		-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
%
	It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
man.
		-- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
%
"It says he made us all to be just like him.  So if we're dumb, then
god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."
		-- Frank Zappa
%
It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one
sunny afternoon.  All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle
of the lake.  After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that
"nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore.  In
a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in.
	The rabbi was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention
the apparent miracle.
	A few minutes later, the priest also decided to go ashore for a
moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes
later came back.
	By now the rabbi was in great distress and had begun to doubt his
beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Christian
teachings.  But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST
AS STRONG as either the priest's or the minister's and decided that anything
they could do, with God's help, he could do as well.
	The rabbi then announced that he needed relief and would walk to
shore.  He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the
lake.  While the rabbi was thrashing about in the water, the priest turned to
the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the
rocks are?"
%
It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions.  He
was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released.  Being
a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for
forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded
from eating him for its breakfast.  Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop
but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the
Christian took off too.  There they were, running around and around the arena,
the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between
gasps for breath.  The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could
even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet.  So he
pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him,
he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith,
forsaking all temptation and possessions.  Suddenly he no longer felt the
lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him.
Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled
upward, paws held together.  The lion appeared to be muttering something so
the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying.

"Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..."
%
... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
		-- Sidney Hook
%
Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet!
%
Jesus died for your sins.  Make it worth his time.
%
Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death
and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one
among you who is without sin cast the first stone..."
	Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits
Jesus upside the head.  He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon!
I'm trying to make a point, here!"
%
Jesus Never Fails

(He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.)
%
Jesus Saves!

(And Esposito scores on the rebound!)
%
Jesus Saves,
Moses Invests,
But only Buddha pays Dividends.
%
Jesus Saves,
Moses Invests,
But only Buddha pays Dividends.
%
"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!"
		-- Daniel Hinojosa
%
Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
%
John Paul II is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing
his lips to foreign soil on his arrival.  This sparked some wit to remark:
	"The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on
the women!"
%
LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!

So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
%
Little Herbie had been blind since birth.  One day at bedtime, his mother
told him that the next day was a very special one.  If he prayed extra
hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning.  The next
morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard
the night before.
	"Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!"
	"Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that
your prayers have been answered."
Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out,
	"Mother! Mother! I still can't see!"
	"I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool."
%
Man proposes, God disposes.
		-- Thomas `a Kempis
%
Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so.  It
is not so.  It is so.  It is not so.
		-- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
%
Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God
is a cruel and capricious tyrant.
		-- Edward Gibbon
%
Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
%
My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus.  They put him
in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was
Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.
		-- T. Bywater
%
Newsflash:
	Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally
predicted.  All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest
of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world.
	Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from
expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out
to be.  The definition of "true believer" was apparently more restrictive
than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five,
living in Stenton, North Dakota.
%
"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."
		-- Woody Allen
%
Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-
bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers
have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence
of God.  The argument follows:  "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God,
"for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."  "But," says Man,
"the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it?  It could not have evolved
by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguements,
you don't.  QED."  "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and
promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
		-- D. Adams
%
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each
of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called
it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to
synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank.  People passing each
other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to
the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
%
Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD.  I fought like hell
for them.  But another group came along and exposed the word of my group
as shallow and degenerate.  They had a better word.  So I quit the first
group and lost all the friends I had made and I joined up with this new
group.  I fought like hell for them.  But another group came around.  They
exposed the word of my group as false and materialistic.  Their word was
very much better.  So I quit the second group and lost all the friends I
had made.  And I joined up with this new group.  I fought like hell for them.
Till this one guy came along and proved that there wasn't any word at all.
That I should go off as an individual and grow!  So I quit the last group
and lost all the friends I had made.  And now I sit home alone all day and
all I do is grow.  It would be nice to join up with some others who feel
the way I do.
		-- J. Feiffer
%
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
%
One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible
from one end to the other.  Reading the Bible straight through is at
least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin.  But the good parts
are, of course, simply amazing.  God is an extremely uneven writer, but
when He's good, nobody can touch Him.
		-- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983
%
One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists.  But it has
occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.
		-- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
		   Life in the Universe"
%
One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at
the stake while the votes were being counted.
		-- Thomas B. Reed
%
Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
%
Paster Crosstalk:	What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
	unclean?  Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
	All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
	eat those.  Nothing that does not have both fins and scales.  Most
	CREEPING things...
Alvarado:	How 'bout caterpillars?
P:	A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone.  Nothing without a backbone
	can get in.
A:	How do you know?  You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
P:	Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
	CATERPILLARS!
[...]
P:	The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels.  Who would want to eat
	a LITTLE SQUIRREL?
A:	If you're starving.  If you're starving in the park one day.
P:	You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
A:	No, you SINGE 'em.  You SINGE 'em and eat 'em.  *I* read about the
	Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
P:	Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
A:	That's sick, SURE.  But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
	par for the course, Charlie.
		-- Firesign Theatre
%
Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866.  The
white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it
dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name
had hilarious possibilities.  The crowds fell about, helpless with
laughter, singing
	Half a pound of tuppenny rice
	Half a pound of treacle
	That's the way the chimney smokes
	Pope Goestheveezl
The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter
streaming down their faces.  The event set a record for hilarious civic
functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant
B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
                -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
%
Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
		-- Blake
%
Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
		-- Anatole France
%
Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
%
Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks.
%
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
		-- Napoleon
%
Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
%
Seems like these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three
were always in accord against the fourth.  One day, the odd rabbi out, with
the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost
again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.  "Oh, God!" he cried.  "I
know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong!  Please show me a sign,
so they too will know that I understand Your laws."
	It was a beautiful, sunny day.  As soon as the rabbi finished his
plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four.  It rumbled once
and dissolved.  "A sign from God!  See, I'm right, I knew it!"  But the other
three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days.
	So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am
right and they are wrong.  So please, God, a bigger sign."
	This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form
one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from
the rabbis.  The cloud dispersed at once.  "I told you I was right!" insisted
the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not
be explained by natural causes.
	The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when
just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and
a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
	The sky returns to normal.  The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips
and snarls, "Well?"  "Okay, okayyyy," replied another, "so now it's 3 to 2!"
%
Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
to turn it into a thriving enterprise.  The fields are grown over with weeds,
the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
dreams!"
	A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
are filled with crops planted in neat rows.  "Amazing!" the preacher says.
"Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
	"Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
like when God was working it alone!"
%
She say, Miss Colie, You better hush.  God might hear you.  Let 'im hear me,
I say.  If he ever listened to poor colored women the world would be a
different place, I can tell you.
		-- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
%
Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
	[If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.]
		-- Voltaire
%
Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate
Bible.  Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically
excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text.
This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.  He personally
examined every sheet as it came off the press.  Yet the published
Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be
printed and pasted over them in every copy.  The result provoked wry
comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had
no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy.
%
Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You.
%
So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of
intelligence.
		-- Bertrand Russell
%
So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
		-- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
%
So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?  And why can't he ever remember
his Bible?
%
So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
%
Some people seem to think that "damn" is God's last name.
%
Some things have to be believed to be seen.
%
Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
		-- Titus Lucretius Carus
%
Sure banking is Biblical!

How about when Onan received a substantial penalty for early withdrawal?
Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a
little prophet?  And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the
Banks of the Jordan!
%
Taoism: Shit Happens.
Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit Happens".
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else.
Catholicism: Shit happens, but you deserved it.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US?
%
Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising
amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered
the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling
to risk offending God's grandmother.
		-- Len Cool, "American Pie"
%
Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D.  He was a pagan,
and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about
his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...]  To him is ascribed the
sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd).
This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said:
	"And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it
	is absurd.  And buried he rose again, which is certain because it
	is impossible."
Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
		-- C.G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
	[Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church.  Ed.]
%
"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l."
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion.  I could
never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
		-- Abraham Lincoln
%
The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
		-- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
%
The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter.  But we may hope that the
dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%
	The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi.  The rabbi listened solemnly to
his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
	So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
please help me.  My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
sees nothing but goyim..."
	"Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
you got problems.  What about my son?"
%
The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity.  Nowhere in
the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
		-- John Adams
%
"The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
teaches me to suspect that my own is also."

"I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
or to weaken it.  I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
valuable posession to him."

"I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection mught be reasonable
enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
would tire of the spectacle eventually."
		-- Mark Twain
%
The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the
text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria".
%
... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
		-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
%
The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
the Bible.
		-- John Quincy Adams

All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
but for the Book we could not know right from wrong.  All the things desirable
to man are contained in it.
		-- Abraham Lincoln

... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
life, the nature of God and spirtual nature and need of men.  It is the only
guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
		-- Woodrow Wilson
%
The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty
prophecies.  The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant
with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.
		-- St. Augustine
%
The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists.
That is why they invented hell.
		-- Bertrand Russell
%
The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
Commandments.  Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
	"I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said.  "The
good news is that I got Him down to ten.  The bad news is that adultery's
still in."
%
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
%
The Messiah will come.  There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all
the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated.
		-- Rabbi Meir Kahane
%
The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
	The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London.  It contained
several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
to commit adultery.
	Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
the printers L3,000.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The nearer to the church, the further from God.
		-- John Heywood
%
The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could
hardly speak.  He asked his Monsignor how he could relax.  The Monsignor
replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water
pitcher.  The next Sunday, after following the Monsignor's advice, the priest
returned to the rectory to find a note from that worthy.

	(1) Next time sip rather than gulp.
	(2) There are ten commandments, not 12.
	(3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
	(4) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
	(5) The recommended grace before meals is not,
		"Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yaaaay, God!"
	(6) Do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his
		Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys".
	(7) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
	(8) The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred
		to as, "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook".
	(9) It is always the Virgin Mary, never The Mary with the Cherry.
	(10) Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a
		Taffy-Pulling Contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling
		Contest at St. Taffy's.
%
The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist.
		-- Stendhal
%
The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
the first one was useless.
		-- Nicolas Chamfort
%
The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two
one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in.
He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael.  The next week he
noticed the same thing.  So he waited outside church when mass was over, and
as Michael came out, he accosted his and said,
	"Michael, tell me -- why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two
singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?"
	Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I
wanted to go downtown for a blow job."
	The priest looked suprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
that anymore.  I'll be watching you from now on."
	When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed.
Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent.  He said, "Mother,
you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you.
What is a blow job?"
	Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown."
%
The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the rhythm method of birth
control is that it doesn't work.
%
The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
his rather old and crusty parish.  As is usual in these cases, a locum was
sent to cover the transition period.  This particular man was young and
active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and
exciting.  As a consequence he was more than a little dissapointed with the
dull and tradition-bound church.  He decided to do something about it.
	For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit.  The congregation
was horrified!  He changed the order of the service.  The congregation was
horrified!  Then came the children's lesson.
	For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
The congregation was mortified!  He sat there swinging his legs against
the table as the children gathered around him.
	He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
	There was total silence.
	He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
	Total silence.
	Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
%
The Unitarians are really just a bunch of atheists who really like going to
church.
%
The Utah version of this joke goes:
	One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents'
office one day.  The President looks up and says "Brother, what is so important
that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?"
	The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is
in the lobby!!"
	The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come!  The
prophecies are fullfilled!  We are all about to be uplifted!"
	The Council member says "Wait!  You didn't let me finish!  She's...
black, and SHE IS PISSED!"
%
The wages of sin are high -- unless you know someone who does it for nothing.
%
The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the absence
from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum.
		-- Havelock Ellis
%
Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
it.  The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
		-- Elbert Hubbard
%
There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence
of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally
competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make
some other part of hell comfortably cool.  This is obviously impossible.
		-- Richard Davisson
%
"There is a God, but He drinks"
		-- Blore
%
There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
		-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
%
There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
		-- George Francis Gillette
%
This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would
stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers.  One night,
the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be
with us much longer."  The man thought this was rather curious, but passed it
off as childish whimsy.  The next day, however, he received a call from his
mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that morning.
During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's
prayers, but noticed nothing unusual.  Then, one night, the boy ended his
prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer."
Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening
weeks, he nontheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health.  He went to
bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the
news that their mother had died suddenly in the night.  The father had a series
of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered.  About a month 
later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't
be with us much longer."  The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was 
going to die during the night.  He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake 
and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy.  Morning came.  Breathing
a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch.  There, lying
dead on the doorstep, was the milkman.
%
To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
but your own; to be moral, all pretenses but your own.
		-- Lionel Strachey
%
To listen to some devout people, one would imagine that God never laughs.
		-- Sri Aurobindo
%
TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:

	Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
	Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your
receving said benefit.
	I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receving
as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
	Amen.
		-- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness"
%
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
		-- Woody Allen
%
Unitarians pray "To whom it may concern".
%
Vatican upholds ban on contraceptives: "To heir is humane," claims the Pope.
%
We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual.  We do everything
we can to butter him up.  We give him a name, assure him that he has certain
inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and
when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground ... But after all, he's
only  a seed, a bloom and a withering stalk among pressing billions.  Your
Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard ... By God,
he has only one right guaranteed him in Nature, and that is the right to die
and stink to Heaven.
		-- Ross Lockridge, quoted in "Short Lives" by Katinka Matson
%
We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor
Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
themselves about their relationship to God.  But all will agree on a
proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources.  If, in addition,
we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the Deity
may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but internal
and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof of the
Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be accepted,
then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on earth.
		-- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
%
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
children smart.
		-- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
%
"Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
higher meaning to all this.  It would certainly reflect well on you."
%
Well, you see there was this neighborhood that had a priest, a minister, and
a rabbi who lived near each other.  One summer afternoon the priest went out
and bought himself a new car, and the minister and rabbi, not to be outdone,
did the same.
	The next day the priest went out and blessed his car.  The minister
hired a crane and baptized his car in a swimming pool.  The rabbi, after
thinking seriously for a bit, got a hacksaw and cut three inches off the end
of the tail pipe.
%
	"What are you doing?"
	"Examining the world's major religions.  I'm looking for something
that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation
period."
%
What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
in his footsteps?
%
What if there had been room at the inn?
		-- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
%
What is good?  Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
will to power, power itself.  What is bad?  Everything that is born of
weakness.  Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
but fitness.  The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
our love of man.  And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
What is more harmful than any vice?  Active pity for all the failures and
all the weak: Christianity.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
	"What the hell are you getting so upset about?  I thought you didn't
believe in God."
	"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the God I
don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God.  He's not the
mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
		-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
%
When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
%
When somebody protested at [Pope Alexander VI's] wholesale distribution of
pardons for the most heinous crimes -- one of which included the murder of
a daughter by the father -- he retorted easily, "It is not God's will that
a sinner should die, but that he should live -- and pay."
		-- E.R. Chamberlin, "The Bad Popes"

Judas sold Christ for 30 denari, this man [Pope Alexander VI] would sell
him for 29.
		-- Ottaviano Ubaldini, chamberlain to Pope Alexander VI
%
Why attack God?  He may be as miserable as we are.
		-- Erik Satie
%
Why I am an atheist:

1. Atheists do not believe in higher powers.
2. God is the highest power.
3. Therefore, God must be an atheist.
4. We should all strive to be like God.
5. We should all be atheists.
%
Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant?  Is it
not a spectacle to make the angels laugh?  We are a company of ignorant
beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infintesimal
parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
eternity for his faithlessness.
		-- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
		   Fortnightly Review, 1876
%
Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
%
	"You little (such a one who, while wearing a copper nose ring,
stands in a footbath atop Mount Raruaruaha during a heavy thunderstorm and
shouts that Alohura, Goddess of Lightning, has the facial features of a
diseased uloruaha root)!"
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
%
Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree,
shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!"
		-- Johnny Carson
%
Did you know that some people your age have sex thirty-seven times in a week?
And die immediately after?
%
Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
%
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
%
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3

You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor.  The success of this
proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%.  In the middle of your
proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into
your coffee.  You:

	(a)  Tell him you take your coffee black.
	(b)  Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
	(c)  Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his
		"In" basket.
	(d)  Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes.
%
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #4

You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
uncontrollable desire to pick your nose.  Since this is definitely a
no-no, you:

	(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one
	    fluid motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up
	    to the 4th joint.
	(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a
	    prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.

	(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick
	    it up, blow your nose on your sock.
%
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5

You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and
tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players
live there.  He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay.  You:

	(a)  Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't
		remember your name.
	(b)  Ask what position she played.
	(c)  Ask if she is still working the streets.
	(d)  Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask
		if he recognizes the label.
%
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6

You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be
your best deal of the year.  During the conversation a blonde walks into
the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention
to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone
in your hotel.  She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as
his daughter.  Your next move is to:

	(a)  Ask for her hand in marriage.
	(b)  Pass out and hope for sympathy.
	(c)  Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the
		daughter and get her number.
	(d)  Turn red and slink off into the men's room.
%
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9

You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
in the plushest office you've ever seen.  The enchillada casserole and
egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.  You:

	(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
	(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
	(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
%
He:	"Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
She:	"No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now."
%
He:	Am I... am I your first?
She:	Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar...
%
He:	So, what do you say to little fuck?
She:	I say, "get lost, little fuck."
%
Hear about...
	one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you
	have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off?
%
Hear about...
	the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow
	Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book?
%
Hear about...
	the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing
	the bed?
%
Hear about...
	the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
	started chiseling on his wife?
%
Hear about...
	the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing
	his whatchamacalit?
%
Hear about...
	the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and
	demanded a salary on next week's advance?
%
Hear about...
	the Ayatollah Khomeini Doll?
	Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage.
%
Hear about...
	the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to
	go up on him?
%
Hear about...
	the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked?
%
Hear about...
	the careless canary that did it for a lark?
%
Hear about...
	the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride?
%
Hear about...
	the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films?
	The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
	which end it will be.
%
Hear about...
	the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to
	a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car?
%
Hear about...
	the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors?
%
Hear about...
	the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the
	wrong foot?
%
Hear about...
	the doctor that prescribed sex for insommia?  His patients didn't
	get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake.
%
Hear about...
	the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed
	everybody in the joint?
%
Hear about...
	the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and
	asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling?
%
Hear about...
	the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and
	next morning found she was six months pregnant?
%
Hear about...
	the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife so he fired them?
%
Hear about...
	The fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed
	her between the limbs?
%
Hear about...
	the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station?
%
Hear about...
	the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly
	accommodating girls?  He refers to it as his little blew book.
%
Hear about...
	the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard?
%
Hear about...
	the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
	would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
%
Hear about...
	the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
	attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon.  She ended
	up a chopped libber?
%
Hear about...
	the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down?
%
Hear about...
	the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the
	delinquency of a major?
%
Hear about...
	the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went
	to the front?
%
Hear about...
	the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex
	education when she heard the final exam would be oral?
%
Hear about...
	the frustrated musician who worked all week on an arrangement and
	then his wife didn't leave town?
%
Hear about...
	the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider
	marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt?
%
Hear about...
	the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local
	sailors?
%
Hear about...
	the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend,
	so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two?
%
Hear about...
	the girl who called her boyfriend Amaretto, 'cause he was
	such a sweet liquor?
%
Hear about...
	the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator off?
%
Hear about...
	the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip?
%
Hear about...
	the guru who refused Novacain while having a tooth pulled because
	he wanted to transcend dental medication?
%
Hear about...
	the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy -- you might say he
	lost his ball bearings?
%
Hear about...
	the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears?
	Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.
%
Hear about...
	the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
	he'd never be able to face his girl again?
%
Hear about...
	the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along?
%
Hear about...
	the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin?
%
Hear about...
	the guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that
	if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent.
%
Hear about...
	the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his
	assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe?
%
Hear about...
	the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and
	so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers?
%
Hear about...
	the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce?
%
Hear about...
	the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose
	a lot more than letters behind the files?
%
Hear about...
	the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are
	with young housewives who aren't adequately covered?
%
Hear about...
	the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home
	for some money?
%
Hear about...
	the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent?  Except on
	Palm Sunday, of course.
%
Hear about...
	the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New
	York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman?
%
Hear about...
	the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often
	that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed?
%
Hear about...
	the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers".  They don't go snap,
	crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang?
%
Hear about...
	the new breakfast cereal called Queerios?  You simply add milk
	and they eat each other.
%
Hear about...
	the new German microwave oven?
	Seats 500.
%
Hear about...
	the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
	Los Angeles single bars?  It's called Bang Americard.
%
Hear about...
	the new rule at the girls' school?
	Lights out by ten, candles by eleven.
%
Hear about...
	the new sorority girl doll?
	You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
%
Hear about...
	the new vitamin made from chicken blood?
	It makes men cocky and women lay better.
%
Hear about...
	the nurse they thought had drowned until they found her under the doc?
%
Hear about...
	the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie?
%
Hear about...
	the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle?
%
Hear about...
	the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?
%
Hear about...
	the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
	that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This Space"?
%
Hear about...
	the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
%
Hear about...
	the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into
	a porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass?
%
Hear about...
	the real smart girl who could play post-office all night
	without getting any mail in her box?
%
Hear about...
	the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the
	men who have tried Camels have gone back to women?
%
Hear about...
	the San Franciscan who backed off the bus because he thought
	someone would grab his seat?
%
Hear about...
	the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini?
%
Hear about...
	the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft.
%
Hear about...
	the swinger who labelled his little black book "Future Shack"?
%
Hear about...
	the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a
	wide receiver?
%
Hear about...
	the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell
	off the sofa?
%
Hear about...
	the ultimate in singles bars.  It's a place where girls have
	to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted?
%
Hear about...
	the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
	company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
	typewriter's ribbon?
%
Hear about...
	the woman who says two martinis usually make her feel like a new man?
%
Hear about...
	the young lady attacked in San Francisco?
	By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair.
%
Hear about...
	the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as
	Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because
	she's a wonderful mount?
%
Hear that...
	bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
	Census Taker"?  It's about a guy who comes once every ten years.
%
Hear that...
	the Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization
	in the world from which a man resigns when he becomes a member
	in good standing?
%
Hear that...
	the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your
	collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears?
%
Hear that...
	the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled
	"Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"?
%
Hear that...
	there's an establishment near the White House that caters to kinky
	tastes?  There's a House whip in attendance, of course?
%
Hear that...
	they cancelled Easter this year?
	Found the body.
%
Hear that...
	those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male
	version -- with nuts of course?
%
If being bi increases your chance of getting a date, does being poly
increase your chance of getting dumped?
%
If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies?
%
If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy, would He have made it look like 
a taco?
%
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
%
If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
%
If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently?
%
If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off?
%
If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens when Mercury is in
the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin?
%
Q.	How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
A.	While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
%
Q.	What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
A.	A Christian Science Monitor.
%
Q.	What's the capital of Canada?
A.	American.
%
Q.	What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
A.	Yogurt has a living, active culture.
%
Q:	"How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A:	"Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct
	the ship out of disgrace."

	[Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
	a fight.  They consider this it to be a disgrace, though it's
	pretty good for a LBJ.  Ed.]
%
Q:	"What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
	existentialist?"
A:	"Is there a dog?"
%
Q:	An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
	very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A:	Yes, up to isomorphism!
%
Q:	Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight?
A:	He's the only one with a duck.

Q:	Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight?
A:	He's the only one who bets on the duck.

Q:	And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight?
A:	The duck wins!
%
Q:	Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A:	One per person.
%
Q:	Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
A:	No, but I bet it hurts like hell.
%
Q:	Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
A:	He got re-possessed!
%
Q:	Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell?
A:	He spent the night in a warehouse.
%
Q:	How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm?
A:	Real men don't care.
%
Q:	How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
A:	With three more bullets.
%
Q:	How can you tell if a woman is ticklish?
A:	Give her a couple of test tickles.
%
Q:	How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with your wife?
A:	You have to wait 22 months.
%
Q:	How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back in a hurricane?
A:	You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
%
Q:	How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?
A:	She's the one kissing the golden retriever.
%
Q:	How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock?
A:	She has a mouthful of feathers.
%
Q:	How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused?
A:	By the stiff upper lip.
%
Q:	How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm?
A:	Who cares?
%
Q:	How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face?
A:	She answered the iron.

Q:	How did she burn the other side of her face?
A:	They called back.
%
Q:	How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
A:	He sat on a acorn and waited for spring.

Q:	But how did he get back down?
A:	He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
%
Q:	How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A:	Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
%
Q:	How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A:	Unique up on it!

Q:	How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A:	The tame way!
%
Q:	How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth?
A:	Cusinart.

Q:	How do you get them back out?
A:	Doritos.
%
Q:	How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you?
A:	Propose.
%
Q:	How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
A:	Paint his balls red and his toenails green.

Q:	Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
A:	No -- so it must work pretty well!

Q:	How did Tarzan die?
A:	Picking cherries!!!
%
Q:	How do you keep a moron in suspense?
%
Q:	How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes?
A:	Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
%
Q:	How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
A:	The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
%
Q:	How do you know your elephant had her period?
A:	There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
%
Q:	How do you make a dead baby float?
A:	With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer.
%
Q:	How do you make an elephant float?
A:	You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer...
%
Q:	How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street?
A:	Kick it over to Van Ness.
%
Q:	How do you play religious roulette?
A:	You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
	struck by lightning first.
%
Q:	How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your backyard?
A:	If all your trashcan liners are missing ...
%
Q:	How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
	or an airline stewardess?
A:	A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
	A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over
	and over again until we get it right."
	An airline stewardess says: "Just place this over your mouth and
	nose and breathe normally."

... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!"
... and WASP's say "Do you have that in a bigger size?"
... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!"
%
Q:	How do you tell that your roommate's gay?
A:	When his cock tastes like shit.
%
Q:	How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist?
A:	It isn't hard.
%
Q:	How does a mink get babies?
A:	The same way babes get minks.
%
Q:	How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
A:	She asks them for a commitment.
%
Q:	How does a WASP propose marriage?
A:	"How would you like to be buried with my people?"
%
Q:	How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
A:	Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
	speech, but under the United States constitution they are
	guaranteed freedom after speech.
		-- being told in Poland, 1987
%
Q:	How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
A:	Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic.
%
Q:	How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:	Five.  One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
	experience.  (Actually, Californians don't screw in
	lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)

Q:	How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
	those Californians trying to share the experience.
%
Q:	How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Three, but they're really only one.
%
Q:	How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
A:	One more than you can find.
%
Q:	How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:	NONE!  AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!

Q:	How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	It's "Women"...  AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!!
%
Q:	How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light
	bulb, in San Fransisco?
A:	Both of them.
%
Q:	How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:	Ten.  One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying it was
	without a man.
%
Q:	How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Three.  One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the witness.
%
Q:	How many pre-meds does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:	Five:  One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
	out from under him.
%
Q:	How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Two.  One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
	screwing began.
%
Q:	How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?
A:	As much as he wants.
%
Q:	How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
A:	9 edge down.
%
Q:	If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah be?
A:	A fur coat.
%
Q:	What can you use used tampons for?
A:	Tea bags for vampires.
%
Q:	What did Jesus tell the Aggies?
A:	Play dumb until the second coming.
%
Q:	What did Snow white say when told she was pregnant?
A:	"I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible..."

Presumably this all started that evening when she was feeling Happy...
%
Q:	What did the little ghetto-dweller get for Christmas?
A:	Your bicycle.
%
Q:	What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A:	You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
	they go down on you.

Q:	What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
A:	You can park in the handicapped zone.

Q:	Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
	puzzle in only 6 months?
A:	Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
%
Q:	What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common?
A:	They both like a tight seal.
%
Q:	What do elephants use instead of tampons?
A:	Sheep.  Well, they used to, anyway.  There have been so many cases
	of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged.

Q:	Why do elephants have trunks?
A:	Sheep don't have strings.
%
Q:	What do two WASPs say after making love?
A:	Thank you very much.  It'll never happen again.
%
Q:	What do WASPs do instead of making love?
A:	Rule the country.
%
Q:	What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
A:	An interpreter.

Q:	Why do blondes have square breasts?
A:	They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q:	What do you call ten blondes in a row?
A:	A wind tunnel.
%
Q:	What do you call a dog with no legs?
A:	What does it matter?  He can't come anyway.

	[I've got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
		Every night, I take him out for a drag.  Ed.]
%
Q:	What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola,
	eating fruit, and singing?
A:	The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
%
Q:	What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
A:	A good start.
%
Q:	What do you call a monk who has had a sex change operation?
A:	A transsister.
%
Q:	What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
A:	Toys for twats.
%
Q:	What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet
	of garden hose?
A1:	Darling.
A2:	Often!
%
Q:	What do you call couples that use that rhythm method?
A:	Parents.
%
Q:	What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea?
A: 	An incurable romantic.
%
Q:	What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
A:	Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!!
%
Q:	What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A:	Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
%
Q:	What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
A:	A woman that, when she goes down on you, gets blood.
%
Q:	What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP?
A:	A computer that won't go down.
%
Q:	What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a prostitute?
A:	Your last blowjob.
%
Q:	What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
A:	A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!
%
Q:	What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
A:	Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every
	once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to
	your eyes...
%
Q:	What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan?
A:	A rebel without a clue.
%
Q:	What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
A:	Hot cross bunnies!
%
Q:	What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a
	moth ball in the other hand?
A:	One hell of a big moth!
%
Q:	What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
A:	She goes home.

Q:	Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A:	To keep her neck warm.

Q:	How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
A:	Tell her a joke on Friday.
%
Q:	What goes
		Click.  "Did I get it?"
		Click.  "Did I get it?"
		Click.  "Did I get it?"
		Click.  "Did I get it?"
A:	Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube.
%
Q:	What goes green, red, green, red, pink, pink, pink?
A:	A frog in a blender.

Q:	What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it??
A:	Frognogg.  If you drink it, you croak.
%
Q:	What goes red, white, red, white, pink, pink, pink?
A:	Baby in a blender.

Q:	Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
A:	So you can watch the expression on its little face.
%
Q:	What goes: Sis!  Boom!  Baaaaah!
A:	Exploding sheep.
%
Q:	What is green and comes in Brownies?
A:	Boy Scouts.
%
Q:	What is Smoorplay?
A:	What Smurfs do before they smuck!
%
Q:	What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women?
A:	Snowballs!
%
Q:	What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
A:	Her bowling shoes.
%
Q:	What is the mating call of a blonde?
A:	I think I'm drunk.

Q:	What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
A:	I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!

Q:	What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A:	(Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
%
Q:	What is the sound of one cat napping?
A:	Mu.
%
Q:	What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
A:	A cheese grater.
%
Q:	What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house?
A:	Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom.
%
Q:	What's black and white and red all over and can't go through
	revolving doors?
A:	A nun with a javelin through her head.
%
Q:	What's black and white and red all over?
A:	Half a nun.
%
Q:	What's black and white and red all over?
A:	Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
%
Q:	What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
A:	Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
%
Q:	What's invisible and smells like carrots?
A:	Bunny farts.
%
Q:	What's Jewish foreplay?
A:	Two hours of begging.
%
Q:	What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?
A:	The guy that gave it to him.
%
Q:	What's more fearsome than a grizzly bear with AIDS?
A:	The guy he got it from.
%
Q:	What's red and covered with little dents?
A:	Snow White's cherry.
%
Q:	What's the Blonde's cheer?
A:	I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B - L - O - uhh ... ah ... oh well..
	I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...

Q:	What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A:	Artificial intelligence.

Q:	How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A:	Shine a flashlight in her ear.
%
Q:	What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"?
A:	About three inches.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a cocker spaniel and a doberman
	pinscher humping your leg?
A:	You let the doberman finish.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A:	About four drinks.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a Fairy Tale, and a War Story?
A:	Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time".
	War Stories start off with "No shit, this really happened".

	[I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the
	office a little late, tonight...  Ed.]
%
Q:	What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up?
A:	Age.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a man and a toilet?
A:	A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a man and the weekend?
A:	The weekend never comes too soon.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
A:	The moustache.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car?
A:	Not everyone's been in a fast car.
%
Q:	What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A:	The taste.
%
Q:	What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
A:	The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
%
Q:	What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A:	Erotic is when you use a feather.  Kinky is when you use the
	whole bird...
%
Q:	What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon
	and Ronald Reagan?
A:	One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the
	difference.
%
Q:	What's the difference between hard and dark?
A:	It stays dark all night.
%
Q:	What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when
	he hits your windshield?
A:	His ass.

Q.	What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's
	mind when he hits your windshield?
A.	Oh, SHIT!!
%
Q:	What's the worst thing about being an atheist?
A:	Noone to talk to when you're having an orgasm.
%
Q:	What's white and crawls up your leg?
A:	Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice.
%
Q:	What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A:	Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
%
Q:	Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
A:	Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.
%
Q:	Where does Catwoman go for a good time?
A:	To the batpoles, Robin!
%
Q:	Where does virgin wool come from?
A:	Ugly sheep.
%
Q:	Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads?
A:	So you can pick 'em up five at a time.
%
Q:	Why are Unix emulators like your right hand?
A:	They're just pussy substitutes!
%
Q:	Why can't Hellen Keller have children?
A:	Because she's dead.
%
Q:	Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge?
A:	He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before!
%
Q:	Why did God invent booze?
A:	So ugly men could get laid too.
%
Q:	Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date?
A:	She'd never been taught to say no.
%
Q:	Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary
	Jo Kopechne drowned?
A:	Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater?
%
Q:	Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
A:	To see what was on the other side.

Q:	Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
A:	More head room.

Q:	How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
A:	She opens the car door.
%
Q:	Why did the epileptic cross the road?
A:	He couldn't help it.

Q:	What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
A:	Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
%
Q:	Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A:	To get to the other slide.
%
Q:	Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
A:	Because he left a residue at every pole.
%
Q:	Why do dogs lick their balls?
A:	'Cause they can!

(Real answer: 'Cause they can't curl their little paws into fists...)
%
Q:	Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A:	So they can jump into trees and rape mice.

Q:	What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse?
A:	BOING!!  BOING!!  BOING!!
%
Q:	Why do men die before their wives?
A:	They want to.
%
Q:	Why do men marry women?
A:	You can't teach sheep to do housework.
%
Q:	Why do mice have such small balls?
A:	Very few of them know how to dance!
%
Q:	Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A:	Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away.
		-- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger
%
Q:	Why do women have vaginas?
A:	So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack.
%
Q:	Why do women love Pacman?
A:	Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter.
%
Q:	Why does an elephant have 4 feet?
A:	Because 8 inches isn't enough.
%
Q:	Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A:	So she can moan with the other!
%
Q:	Why don't blind people skydive?
A:	It scares the dogs!

Q:	How can a blind skydiver tell when he is near the ground?
A:	The leash goes slack.
%
Q:	Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A:	Because they get their head stuck in the jars.

Q:	Why do blondes wear underwear?
A:	To keep their ankles warm.

Q:	How do you kill a blonde?
A:	Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
%
Q:	Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
A:	Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
%
Q:	Why is Sister Pat the way she is?
A:	Because when she was 16, a group of boys tied her up and
	gang-rejected her.
%
Q:	Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A:	It takes too long to retrain them.

Q:	What's the mating call of the brunette?
A:	All the blondes have gone home!

Q:	How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A:	There's white-out on the screen.
%
Q:	Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom?
A:	For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth!
	Tell a lie!  Tell the truth!  Tell a lie!"
%
Q:      What's the difference between VMS and PMS?

A1:     PMS is only a problem for some people.
A2:     PMS is only a problem for part of the month.
A3:     The drugstore has remedies for PMS.
A4:     People with PMS get sympathy.
A5:     People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX.
%
What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
		-- Elayn Boosler
%
What's on the floor of the old hen-house?
Doo-doo, doo-doo.
		-- Foghorn Leghorn, to "Camptown Ladies"
%
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife left him.  But things are looking up for their reconciliation.
Seems that when she left, she took his word processor, and she's been renting
it out occasionally in Japan.  That is, every now and then she gets a yen for
his Wang.
%
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses?
		-- G. Gordon Liddy
%
1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
%
1 Billion dollars of budget deficit		= 1 Gramm-Rudman
6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears	= Avocado's number
2 pints						= 1 Cavort
Basic unit of Laryngitis			= The Hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes		= A straight line
6 Curses					= 1 Hexahex
3500 Calories					= 1 Food Pound
1 Mole						= 007 Secret Agents
1 Mole						= 25 Cagey Bees
1 Dog Pound					= 16 oz. of Alpo
1000 beers served at a Twins game		= 1 Killibrew
2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
2000 pounds of chinese soup			= 1 Won Ton
10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes		= 1 Microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier	= 1 Machturtle
8 Catfish					= 1 Octo-puss
365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer.		= 1 Lite-year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone			= 1 Rod Serling
Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies	= 1 Fig-newton
	to 1 meter per second
One half large intestine			= 1 Semicolon
10 to the minus 6th power Movie			= 1 Microfilm
1000 pains					= 1 Megahertz
1 Word						= 1 Millipicture
1 Sagan						= Billions & Billions
1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety		= 1000 nail-bytes
10 to the 12th power microphones		= 1 Megaphone
10 to the 6th power Bicycles			= 2 megacycles
The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship	= 1 Millihelen
%
(1)	A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
(2)	An inclined plane is a slope up.
(3)	A slow pup is a lazy dog.

QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
		-- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
%
(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
(2) Great generals are forewarned.
(3) Forewarned is forearmed.
(4) Four is an even number.
(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
	Therefore, all horses are black.
%
(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
(2) Great generals are forewarned.
(3) Forewarned is forearmed.
(4) Four is an even number.
(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.

Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
%
(1) Never draw what you can copy.
(2) Never copy what you can trace.
(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
%
(1) X=Y				; Given
(2) X^2=XY			; Multiply both sides by X
(3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2		; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
(4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y)		; Factor
(5) X+Y=Y			; Cancel out (X-Y) term
(6) 2Y=Y			; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
(7) 2=1				; Divide both sides by Y
		-- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
%
1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
the law!
%
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
%
13. ...  r-q1
%
"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation!"
%
	7,140	pounds on the Sun
	   97	pounds on Mercury or Mars
	  255	pounds on Earth
	  232	pounds on Venus or Uranus
	   43	pounds on the Moon
	  648	pounds on Jupiter
	  275	pounds on Saturn
	  303	pounds on Neptune
	   13	pounds on Pluto

		-- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
		   in the solar system.
%
A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West.  They
drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
found there was no pilot on board.  Terrified, they listened as the sirens
got louder.  Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
	He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out.  The sirens
got louder and louder.  Armed men surrounded the jet.  The would be pilot's
friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!!  Hurry!!!"
	The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience.  I'm just a simple
pole in a complex plane."
%
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
%
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing
but together can decide that nothing can be done.
		-- Fred Allen
%
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
		-- Klipstein
%
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
%
"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension."
		-- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
%
A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist.  He explained
that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
each propose to ensure a win.  When they reconvened the gangster started with
the engineer:
	
Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
	  blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
	  electrical shock to the horse.
G:	  That's very good!  But let's hear from the chemist.
Chemist:  I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that disolves
	  into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
	  cannot be detected in post-race tests.
G:	  Excellent, excellent!  But I want to hear from the physicist before
	  I decide what to do.  Physicist?  
Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
%
"A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book
The Martian Chronicles?'  I said, `Yes?'  He said, `You know where you
talk about Deimos rising in the East?'  I said, `Yes?'  He said `No.'
-- So I hit him."
		-- attributed to Ray Bradbury
%
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
		-- P. Erdos
%
A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman.  As
they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
	The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
yet save her!!"
	The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
6 feet high."
	The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
%
A method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start,
and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
		-- Leibnitz
%
A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
		-- C.A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
%
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
		-- George Wald
%
A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side.  It
weighs one third of a pound per foot.  On one end hangs a monkey holding a
banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
The banana weighs two ounces per inch.  The rope is as long (in feet) as
the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
is the same as the age of the monkey's mother.  The combined age of the
monkey and its mother is thirty years.  One half of the weight of the monkey,
plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
weight and the weight of the rope.  The monkey's mother is half as old as
the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother
will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
when it was one fourth as old as it is now.  How long is the banana?
%
A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
		-- Max Planck
%
A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in conciousness
of this necessary reorganization of our lives.

It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
ground.
		-- J.W.N. Sullivan
%
A Severe Strain on the Credulity
	As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
charges it then might have left.  Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
		-- New York Times Editorial, 1920
%
A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
		-- Prof. Steiner
%
A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
%
A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
%
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
blowing first.
%
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
%
According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
and according to convention, there is an order.  In truth, there are atoms
and a void.
		-- Democritus, 400 B.C.
%
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.
%
			ACHTUNG!!!

Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.  Ist easy schnappen
der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken.  Ist nicht
fur gewerken by das dummkopfen.  Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands
in das pockets.  Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!!
%
Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator will be going in the
right direction.  Proof by induction:

N=1.	Trivially true, since both you and the elevator only have one
	floor to go to.

Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
	If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
	induction hypothesis.  If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
	and the elevator have only one choice, namely down.  Therefore,
	it is true for all N+1 floors.
QED.
%
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
%
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
%
	After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years
in the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they would
finally find and enter the Promised Land.  With him, he brought his
favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do
assorted camp chores.
	The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
as the months passed, became very fond of him.  Patriarchs took to
discussing abtruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
ending, he abruptly wore out.  Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
	"It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it.  He must be properly
interred.  We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians.  Nor have we wood for
a coffin.  But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
cattle.  We shall bury him in it."
	Feghoot agreed.  "Yes, let this be his last rusting place."
	"Rusting?" Moses cried.  "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
	"Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
		-- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
		   Feghoot!"
%
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
%
After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments.  Harvey
Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
with Millikan.  Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
Physics Today, June 1982, page 43.  In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
		-- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"

Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the 
Nobel Prize in 1923.
%
After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
%
	Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled.  Ever
since, he's been talking about the good old dais.  His students planted a small
orchard in his honor; the trees all have square roots.
%
Air is water with holes in it.
%
Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
%
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New
York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this?
And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat."
%
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
for a dial tone.
%
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
		-- Philippe Schnoebelen
%
All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
without thinking.
%
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
		-- Young
%
All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
%
All laws are simulations of reality.
		-- John C. Lilly
%
All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
		-- Dawkins
%
All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
%
All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
		-- Ernest Rutherford
%
All seems condemned in the long run to approximate a state akin to
Gaussian noise.
		-- James Martin
%
All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
%
All the evidence concerning the universe has not yet been collected,
so there's still hope.
%
All theoretical chemistry is really physics; and all theoretical chemists 
know it.
		-- Richard P. Feynman
%
Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
%
Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers,
etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these
things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in.
Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a
kite in a lighting storm and received a serious electrical shock.  This
proved that lighting was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also
damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in
incomprehensible maxims, such as "A penny saved is a penny earned."
Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
%
Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
%
Always think of something new; this helps you forget your last rotten idea.
		-- Seth Frankel
%
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
%
An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
people refuse to see it.
		-- James Michener, "Space"
%
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen.  He was amazed to find that
over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
let it spill out).  The American said with a nervous laugh,
	"Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
do you, Professor Bohr?  After all, as a scientist --"
Bohr chuckled.
	"I believe no such thing, my good friend.  Not at all.  I am
scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense.  However, I am told
that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
%
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
		-- David Letterman
%
	An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean.  He knows
he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
restraint.
	As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
after embellishment occur to him.  These get stored away to be used "next
time." Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
is ready to build a second system.
	This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
are particular and not generalizable.
	The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
one.  The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile."
		-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
%
An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
really care to know.
%
An economist is a man who would marry Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
%
An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet, in mid-air, on both
sides of an issue.
		-- Homer Ferguson
%
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
already heard.  After some observations and rough calculations the
engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing.  A few minutes later
the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper.  This leaves the
mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
%
And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
		-- S.J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
%
And this is a table ma'am.  What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
which we call legs.  The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
		-- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
%
... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth.  Most notably I have
ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old.  Well, I
haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
it.  There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between 
prejudice and postjudice.  Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
looked at the facts.  Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards.  Prejudice
is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
mistakes.  Postjudice is not terrible.  You can't be perfect of course; you
may make mistakes also.  But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
have examined the evidence.  In some circles it is even encouraged.
		-- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
%
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
		-- Arthur C. Clarke
%
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.  At best he
is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
make messes in the house.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
		-- Philippus Paracelsus
%
"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator."
		-- Claude Shouse

"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist."
		-- Joseph C. Wang
%
Anything cut to length will be too short.
%
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
		-- Mickey Mouse
%
Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
artificial flowers have to flowers.
		-- David Parnas
%
"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty,
and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a
scientist.  This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls."
		-- Matt Cartmill
%
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
		-- Dave "First Strike" Pare
%
Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
one went to Harvard).
		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%
At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
not.  But obviously it cannot be where it is not.  And if it is where
it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
		-- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
%
At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
of all ideas, old and new.  This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
nonsense.  Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism:  The collective
enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
field on track.
		-- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
%
Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons.  Some
military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
Since in those days, only Western Electric  made "data sets" (modems) the
problems of terminology were all Bell System.  We used to struggle with
written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
(most phones were rotary then.)  Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
the "pound sign."  Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out.  It
never really caught on.
%
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
		-- Tom Lehrer
%
Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
%
Besides the device, the box should contain:
	* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
	* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
		club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse
and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get
all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major
transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that's why."

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
		-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
%
Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
		-- G.H. Gonnet
%
Biology grows on you.
%
Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing
as division.
%
Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
behavior of numbers.  Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
on the observer's movement in restaurants.
		-- Douglas Adams
%
But it does move!
		-- Galileo Galilei
%
But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
		-- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
%
Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center
of the universe.  The premise is wrong, but the navigation works.  An
incorrect model can be a useful tool.
		-- Kelvin Throop III
%
Chapter 2:  Newtonian Growth and Decay

	The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg.  His idea was to provide an equation
that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
quite reach zero.  Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
mortgage.  Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity.  This equation
can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
race in general.
%
Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
%
Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
%
Chemistry is applied theology.
		-- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
%
Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
%
Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T
YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH
THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH
SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS
CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?  AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING
TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE
DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
		-- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
%
"Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..."
		-- Professor in the UCB physics department
%
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  That's logic!"
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
marvelous things.  It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory",
quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can
claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
		-- Randy Davis
%
Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
the number zero?

Is nothing sacred?
%
Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
only recaptured 116 of them?
%
Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
%
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors.  Velocity,
for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
%
Dinosaurs aren't extinct.  They've just learned to hide in the trees.
%
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
%
Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together ...
		-- Carl Zwanzig
%
E = MC ** 2 +- 3db
%
Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management science,
telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about 21st century aircraft:

	"The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog.  The pilot will
	nurture and feed the dog.  The dog will be there to bite the
	pilot if he touches anything.
		-- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
		   [the *magazine*, silly!]
%
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
Economists can certainly disappoint you.  One said that the economy would
turn up by the last quarter.  Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
		-- Robert Orben
%
Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, called
electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been
drinking.  Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in most American
homes is 110 volts per hour.  This is very fast.  In the time it has taken
you to read this sentence so far, an electron could have traveled all the
way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, although God alone knows
why it would want to.

The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current,
lightning, static, and European.  Most American homes have alternating
current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while,
then goes in the other direction.  This prevents harmful electron buildup in
the wires.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
Elegance and truth are inversely related.
		-- Becker's Razor
%
Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
%
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
%
Entropy requires no maintenance.
		-- Markoff Chaney
%
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
		-- Jerome Lettvin
%
Eureka!
		-- Archimedes
%
Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
		-- Don Vonada
%
Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.

It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
%
Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
sees in it.  I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
		-- Morris Kline
%
Everyone knows that dragons don't exist.  But while this simplistic
formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the scientific
mind.  The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact wholly unconcerned
with what ____does exist.  Indeed, the banality of existence has been
so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to discuss it any further
here.  The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the problem analytically,
discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the mythical, the chimerical,
and the purely hypothetical.  They were all, one might say, nonexistent,
but each nonexisted in an entirely different way ...
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
		-- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
%
Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
obvious as you begin to study the universe.  For example, there are no
solids in the universe.  There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
There are no absolute continuums.  There are no surfaces.  There are no
straight lines.
		-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%
Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
the sun.  At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact.  That all present
life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
as firmly established as Copernican cosmology.  Biologists differ only with
respect to theories about how the process operates.
		-- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life". 
%
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
%
Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
%
Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof.  There are many examples
of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
but they prevailed with irrefutable data.  More often, egregious findings
that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts.  I have
argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic conciousness,"
and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
neuroscience.  Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
offer more plausible alternatives.
		-- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Conciousness:
		   Implications for Psi Phenomena".
%
Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
%
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
%
Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally disadvantaged.
%
Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
		-- Robert Firth

"One, two, five."
		-- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer!  My joules!  Someone has stolen my
joules!"

"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
a moment.  Perhaps they're mislead."

"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence.  "I remember putting them
in my burette ... We must call a copper."

Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
of Lawrence Ium.

"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
dangerous.  His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium.  Maybe I can
catch him there."  With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
		-- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
%
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
%
For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
%
Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
the person making the claim, not the critic.  It is not the responsibility
of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
or colored lights never healed anyone.  The skeptic's role is to point out
claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidcence and to
provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
the accepted body of scientific evidence.
		-- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
		   No. 2, pg. 215
%
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#1
	A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
	A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
	A giant panda bear is really a member of the racoon family.
	A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
	    rather then a spotted one.
	Peanuts are not really nuts.  The majority of nuts grow on trees
		while peauts grow underground.  They are classified as a
		legume -- part of the pea family.
	A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
%
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#44
	Zebras are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
%
FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
What to do...
    if reality disappears?
	Hope this one doesn't happen to you.  There isn't much that you
	can do about it.  It will probably be quite unpleasant.

    if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
    traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
	Play this one by the book.  Ask about the stock market and cash in.
	Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
	younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox.  If you
	expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
	behind time travel, and possibly schematics.  Never, NEVER, ask
	when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
%
FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
What to do...
    if you get a phone call from Mars:
	Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly.  Limit
	your vocabulary to simple words.  Try to determine if you are
	speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.

    if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
	Hang up.  There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
	If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
	or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
	calling.

    if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
	Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
	he, she or it is not "life as we know it".  Try to terminate the
	conversation as soon as possible.  It will not profit you, and the
	charges may have been reversed.
%
FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
What to do...
    if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
	First of all, do not run after your camera.  You will not have any
	film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
	you anyway.  Be polite.  Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
	they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
	Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
	wanted to land, anyway.  A good road map should help.

    if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
    closet contains an alternate dimension?
	Don't walk in.  You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
	and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun.  Remain calm
	and go back to bed.  Close the door first, so that the cat does not
	wander off.  Check your closet in the morning.  If it still contains
	an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
%
Friction is a drag.
%
Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
%
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
you should.
%
(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained,
"Only one man ever understood me."  He fell silent for a while and then added,
"And he didn't understand me."
%
God doesn't play dice.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
		-- Kronecker
%
God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
		-- William Bragg
%
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
%
Good morning.  This is the telephone company.  Due to repairs, we're
giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
at ten o'clock.  That's two minutes from now.
%
Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward?  That's the trouble with
time travel, you never can tell."
		-- Doctor Who, "Androids of Tara"
%
Got Mole problems?  Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
%
Gravity brings me down.
%
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
%
GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7):  April 2, 1751

Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
%
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
		-- Albert Einstein

They laughed at Einstein.  They laughed at the Wright Brothers.  But they
also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
		-- Carl Sagan
%
He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
%
He:	Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
She:	What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
		-- Walt Kelly
%
Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several Guernsey cows?
It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
%
Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
		-- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
%
Heisenberg may have been here.
%
Heisenberg may have slept here...
%
Help fight continental drift.
%
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your
hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.  Did you
notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain?  This
teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never
use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.
	It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works.  When you scuffed
your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects
that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt.
The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger,
where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels
down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
	Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger
would explode!  But this is nothing to worry about unless you have
carpeting.
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
Hi! How are things going?
	(just fine, thank you...)
Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
	(you just asked one...)
Well, how about one more?
	(one more than the first one?)
Yes.
	(you already asked that...)
[at this point, Alphonso gets smart...	]
May I ask two questions, sir?
	(no.)
May I ask ONE then?
	(nope...)
Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
	(yes, you may.)
Sir, how may I ask you a question?
	(you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
	 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
	 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
	 next one)
Sir, may I ask nine questions?
	(go right ahead...)
%
Houston, Tranquillity Base here.  The Eagle has landed.
		-- Neil Armstrong
%
How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind?
		-- Charles Schulz
%
How many weeks are there in a light year?
%
How often I found where I should be going only by setting out for somewhere
else.
		-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
%
I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!
		-- Paul McCracken
%
I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
		-- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
%
I do hate sums.  There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
exact science.  There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds
entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail
to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to
perceive.  For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again
from the top down, the result is always different.
		-- Mrs. La Touche
%
I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
devote it to research in mathematics.
		-- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
%
"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes.  Just then, he vanished.
%
I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all.  Depth beyond
depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus.  I saw exactly
why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
dinner and I let it go.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, but I can't prove it.
%
	"I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
I think very probably he might be cured."
	"That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
	"His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
	The elders murmured assent.
	"Now, what affects it?"
	"Ah!" said old Yacob.
	"This," said the doctor, answering his own question.  "Those queer
things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
as to affect his brain.  They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
his eyelids move, and cosequently his brain is in a state of constant
irritation and distraction."
	"Yes?" said old Yacob.  "Yes?"
	"And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
operation -- namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
	"And then he will be sane?"
	"Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
	"Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
		-- H.G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
%
I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
		-- Plato
%
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when
you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
		-- Poul Anderson
%
I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
and planets.  Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
-- around the sun.  If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
feet for the base.

And it has advantages.  The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
sphere.  We can spin it on its axis for gravity.  A rotation speed of 770
m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal.  We wouldn't even need to
roof it over.  Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
sun.  Very little air will leak over the edges.

Lord knows the thing is roomy enough.  With three million times the surface
area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
crowding.
		-- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
%
I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
		-- Neil Armstrong
%
I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it is only there that
they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
		-- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
%
"I think it is true for all _n.  I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3
because I couldn't remember the proof."
		-- Baker, Pure Math 351a
%
I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
"I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
to blue, and it has to do with where the light is.  You know, the
farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
out, it's the shifting of color.  We mentioned before about the stars
singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors."
		-- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
%
I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say,
"Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
paneling.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
		-- Nam June Paik
%
I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
of wax...  and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
forget or do not know.
		-- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
 
	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to image activation and termination.]
%
I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
gence?"  I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
and use the word *billions*, and so on.  And then I say it would be astonishing
to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
yet no compelling evidence for it.  And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
really think?"  I say, "I just told you what I really think."  "Yeah, but 
what's your gut feeling?"  But I try not to think with my gut.  Really, it's
okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
		-- Carl Sagan
%
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
		-- Roy Santoro
%
If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast is a
camel's behind.
		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%
If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z.  _X is work.  _Y
is play.  _Z is keep your mouth shut.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a
conclusion.
		-- William Baumol
%
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
%
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
%
If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
is an exception to every rule.  If we accept "For every rule there is an
exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
		-- Bill Boquist
%
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
%
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
%
If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
I'm an engineer working on something.
		-- S.R. McElroy
%
If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
%
If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will answer, but if it is a Fact,
proof is necessary.
		-- Samuel Clemens
%
If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
it's physics.
%
If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
%
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
the page number.
%
If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
world.  One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
the use of the mathematics of probability.
		-- Vannevar Bush
%
If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
presumably flunk it.
		-- Stanley Garn
%
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
we would be so simple we couldn't.
%
If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
something out of you.
		-- Muhammad Ali
%
"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely."
%
If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
		-- Arthur Miller
%
If you are smart enough to know that you're not smart enough to be an
Engineer, then you're in Business.
%
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
%
If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
in chartered accountancy beckons.
		-- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
		   Systems course.
%
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, you won't
get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get ice, but no cup.
%
	If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
repeat the sequence. 
	You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
hit that window jamb, that door, that chair.  Get back on course and do it
again.  How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
your own apartment?
		-- William S. Burroughs
%
If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
many it's research.
		-- Wilson Mizner
%
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
%
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of stairs.
%
In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
%
In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
are all merely transforms of one another.  This combined with
minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost.  However,
this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
%
IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
becoming pure energy.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
In Nature there are neither rewards nor punishments, there are consequences.
		-- R.G. Ingersoll
%
In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
%
"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
universe."
		-- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
%
In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really
good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change
their minds and you never hear that old view from them again.  They really
do it.  It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
human and change is sometimes painful.  But it happens every day.  I cannot
recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
		-- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
%
"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."
%
In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
%
In the beginning there was nothing.  And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
%
	In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
the Great Mathamatical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist.  And they grew to
large numbers and prospered.
	One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
as the eye could see.  So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
was to reach up as far as "up" went.  Further and further up they went ...
until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
	The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
structure reaching to the heavens.  One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
out from under the rubble.  It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all suprises! they could not
understand each other.  They all spoke different languages.  They all fought
amongst themselves and each went about their own way.  To this day the
Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
		-- The Story of Babel
%
In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
which we coffee achievers have long appreciated:  no really creative,
intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee.  On page
14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..."  Hadamard refers
to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:

	"One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
	could not sleep.  Ideas rose in crowds;  I felt them collide
	until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
	combination."

Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom.  Maybe he
could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
%
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  In practice,
there is.
%
In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
		-- Pliny the Elder
%
	"In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
baroque feel to a continent.  And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
Equatorial!"  He gave a hollow laugh.  "What does it matter?  Science has
achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
right any day."
	"And are you?"
	"No.  That's where it all falls down, of course."
	"Pity," said Arthur with sympathy.  "It sounded like quite a good
life-style otherwise."
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
Information is the inverse of entropy.
%
Interchangeable parts won't.
%
Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
%
"Irrationality is the square root of all evil"
		-- Douglas Hofstadter
%
Is knowledge knowable?  If not, how do we know that?
%
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
listen to weather forecasts and economists?
		-- Kelvin Throop III
%
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?
%
"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
existence.  But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
horse has wings by Walter having a different horse.  Nor does "Walter's
horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
have wings by not being Walter's horse.

I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
		-- A.N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
%
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
%
It is contrary to reasoning to say that there is a vacuum or space in
which there is absolutely nothing.
		-- Descartes
%
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable,
as one's hat keeps blowing off.
		-- Woody Allen
%
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
%
It is not every question that deserves an answer.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
It is not for me to attempt to fathom the inscrutable workings of Providence.
		-- The Earl of Birkenhead
%
It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
		-- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
%
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to
mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity.  But it takes
Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
%
It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
		-- Chris Torek
%
It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
language named "research student".
%
"It's easier said than done."

... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
done".
%
It's hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution.
%
It's later than you think, the joint Russian-American space mission has
already begun.
%
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
		-- Phil White
%
It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
		-- J.K. Galbraith
%
Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they
are forbidden.  They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
what I mean.
		-- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture.
%
Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
%
Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
%
Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer.  Now I are won.
%
Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
%
Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
%
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
%
Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
%
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*.
%
Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
%
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
%
Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
%
Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
momentum.
%
Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
British automotive electrical systems.  Professionals call the company "The
Prince of Darkness".  Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground.  The British
don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do.  The British drink warm
beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
%
Ma Bell is a mean mother!
%
Machines have less problems.  I'd like to be a machine.
		-- Andy Warhol
%
Make it myself?  But I'm a physical organic chemist!
%
Make it right before you make it faster.
%
Man will never fly.  Space travel is merely a dream.  All aspirin is alike.
%
MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
	Please, don't drink and derive.

	Mathematicians
	Against
	Drunk
	Deriving
%
Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
		-- R. Drabek
%
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen:  whatever you say to them they translate
into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.
		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
%
Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
described as being n-dimensional.  Like modern sex, any number can play.
		-- Dr. Thor Wald, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by James Blish
%
Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
		-- Henry Adams
%
Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what 
one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
		-- Russell
%
Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
greatest art can show.  The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
		-- Bertrand Russell
%
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt.
%
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
%
Measure twice, cut once.
%
Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
%
Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
		-- Frederick Crane
%
Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
%
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves
up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
other.  There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected.  But it
is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble.  One cannot
logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
		-- D.O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological
		   Theory", 1949
%
More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads.  One path
leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
		-- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
%
"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,
365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365".  He [ten-year-old Truman Henry
Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the
tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes
smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more
than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!"
An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be
as much fun to watch.
		-- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
%
Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
		-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
%
My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always,
always, he was right.
	[That's an interesting angle.  I wonder if there are any parallels?]
%
	My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
even that they were always wrong.  Rather, I believe that science must be
understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
robots programmed to collect pure information.  I also present this view as
an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
the alter of human limitations.
	I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it.  Galileo was not shown
the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion.  He had
threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
stability:  the static world order with planets circling about a central
earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord.  But the
Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology.  They had no choice; the
earth really does revolve about the sun.
		-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
%
Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
		-- Booth Tarkington
%
Natural laws have no pity.
%
Nature abhors a hero.  For one thing, he violates the law of conservation
of energy.  For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the
fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be
creamed?
		-- Solomon Short
%
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
%
Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where,
it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
		-- Fran Lebowitz
%
Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
		-- Francis Bacon
%
Neil Armstrong tripped.
%
Neutrinos are into physicists.
%
Neutrinos have bad breadth.
%
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do.
		-- R. A. Heinlein
%
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
%
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
%
Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
%
Nonsense.  Space is blue and birds fly through it.
		-- Heisenberg
%
Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats in
their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every respect.
And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside it, for it
was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, then they put
them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they chipped at it a bit,
and everything was just fine ...
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
Nothing is faster than the speed of light ...

To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the
light comes on.
%
Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
Nuclear powered vacuuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
		-- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
		   manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
		   Times, June 10, 1955.
%
Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
%
"Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred."
		-- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
		   1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
		   of the grandstands.
%
Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.  After a while you'd
run out of air to push against.
%
Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lampposts -- for support
rather than illumination.
%
On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:

"This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong."
		-- Wolfgang Pauli
%
Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the
smaller prime numbers.

2:  The Odd Prime --
	It's the only even prime, therefore is odd.  QED.
3:  The True Prime --
	Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true."
31: The Arbitrary Prime --
	Determined by unanimous unvote.  We needed an arbitrary prime in
	case the prof asked for one, and so had an election.  91 received
	the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most.
	However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all.
41: The Female Prime --
	The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is
	prime for integer values from 1 to 40.
43: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair.

Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities
are derived from those primes.  So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd
but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
%
	Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
complexities.  Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
	Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
available to anyone.
		-- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
%
One Bell System - it sometimes works.
%
One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
%
One Bell System - it works.
%
One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
		-- J. Gustav White
%
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
%
One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
just stupid.
		-- J.D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
%
One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
decides to do something about it.  He calls up his best friend, who is a
mathematical genius.  "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track?  We could
make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life."  The mathematician thinks
this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
	A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
success.  The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
there a number of details to be figured out.
	After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
track."
	At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
pounding on his door at three in the morning.  He has dark circles under his
eyes.  His hair hasn't been combed for many days.  He appears to be wearing
the same clothes as the last time.  He has several pencils sticking out from
behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face.  "WE CAN DO
IT!  WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
And it's so EASY!  First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
harmonic motion..."
%
One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
and end up with the atomic bomb.
		-- Marcel Pagnol
%
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.  "Supernatural" is a null word.
		-- Robert Heinlein
%
One man's constant is another man's variable.
		-- A.J. Perlis
%
One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an advisor...
is to discourage... from expecting too much from mathematics.
		-- N. Wiener
%
One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
%
One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
terror.
		-- W.K. Hartmann
%
Only God can make random selections.
%
Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
%
Optimization hinders evolution.
%
Order and simplification are the first steps toward mastery of a subject
-- the actual enemy is the unknown.
		-- Thomas Mann
%
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.  Biochemistry
is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
		-- Mike Adams
%
"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
		-- Alex Schure
%
Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard.  It is fatal in
concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m.  Humans exposed to the
oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes.  Symptoms resemble very
much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.).  In higher
concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place.  The reason
for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
oxygen in 20% concentration.  It apparently contributes to a complex
process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
always fatal.

However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
fact it is habit forming.  The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent.  After that, any
considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.

Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard.  All of the fires that were reported in
the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
in question.

Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
too late.
		-- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
%
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
%
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
%
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
%
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
%
"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..."
%
Pie are not square.  Pie are round.  Cornbread are square.
%
Polymer physicists are into chains.
%
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
%
Power corrupts.  And atomic power corrupts atomically.
%
Progress means replacing a theory that is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
%
Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.

This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them.  Induction
techniques are very popular, even the military used them.

SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.

	We know it's true for _n equal to 1.  Now assume that it's true
for every natural number less than _n.  _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n
as large as we want.  If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is
trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n.  We
can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just
about _n.
	QED.	(QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
%
... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
		-- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
		   "The History of Manned Space Flight"
%
Prototype designs always work.
		-- Don Vonada
%
"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
than the both put together."
%
Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
Biologists think they're biochemists.
Biochemists think they're chemists.
Chemists think they're physical chemists.
Physical chemists think they're physicists.
Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
Philosophers think they're gods.
%
Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
		-- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
%
Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
%
Quark!  Quark!  Beware the quantum duck!
%
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
%
Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
cannot be fooled.
		-- R.P. Feynman
%
Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
lose your job.  These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
%
	"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised.  "We're back in the
universe again..."  An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
know which part.  We seem to have changed our position in space."  A
spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
starfield surrounding the ship.
	"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
ZORAC announced after a short pause.  "The designs are not familiar, but
they are obviously the products of intelligence.  Implications: we have
been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
		-- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
%
Remember Darwin; building a better mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
%
Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
so you're still a valiant nerd.
%
Research is to see what everybody else has seen, and think what nobody
else has thought.
%
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
		-- Wernher von Braun
%
Review Questions

(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
    and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
    he exceeds the speed of light?  How long will it be before the
    Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?

(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
    twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
    every bone in his body?  How long will it be before they cut off
    his insurance?  Where does he get a new car every week?

(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
    the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a
    pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
    Tut's?  When will it fall on him?  Will he notice?
%
Round Numbers are always false.
		-- Samuel Johnson
%
Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed in small amounts over a long
period of time.
		-- George Carlin
%
Science and religion are in full accord but science and faith are in complete
discord.
%
Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones.  But a collection
of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones is a house.
		-- Jules Henri Poincar'e
%
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
%
Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
%
Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
		-- William Buckley
%
Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
%
Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
%
So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate your
current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and hurl it
into a dumpster.  Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast array of
8-millimeter video equipment.

... OK!  Got everything?  Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you were
gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format that makes
your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as toenail dirt.
This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be made available until
it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a format called "Elroy", so
*order yours now*.
		-- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics Revolution"
%
Solutions are obvious if one only has the optical power to observe them
over the horizon.
		-- K.A. Arsdall
%
Space is big.  You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
big it is.  I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
		-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
%
Space is to place as eternity is to time.
		-- Joseph Joubert
%
Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
		-- Wheeler
%
Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
		-- Henry Clay
%
Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
%
Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.  Embezzlement is another matter.
%
Stuckness shouldn't be avoided.  It's the psychic predecessor of all
real understanding.  An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
		-- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
%
Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
	    Quantum Mechanics?
Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
Supervisee: Yes.
		-- Overheard at a supervision.
%
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
%
Take an astronaut to launch.
%
Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means
for going backwards.
		-- Aldous Huxley
%
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
%
That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
		-- Neil Armstrong
%
The  White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
	"Where shall  I  begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.
	"Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely, "and go on
till you come to the end: then stop."
		-- Lewis Carroll
%
The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
facts.  Seek simplicity and distrust it.
		-- Whitehead.
%
The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
%
The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
in billigrahams.
%
The ark lands after The Flood.  Noah lets all the animals out.  Says he, "Go
and multiply."  Several months pass.  Noah decides to check up on the animals.
All are doing fine except a pair of snakes.  "What's the problem?" says Noah.
"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.  Noah follows
their advice.  Several more weeks pass.  Noah checks on the snakes again.
Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy.  Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
the trees helped?"  "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
logs to multiply."
%
The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
Jupiter can have no satellites:

	There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
	Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
and therefore do not exist.
%
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
%
The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
redoubtable John W. Campbell:

	The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
	people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
	dead.  There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
	being read by a corpse.
%
The bigger the theory the better.
%
The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
		-- Merrick Furst
%
The bomb will never go off.  I speak as an expert in explosives.
		-- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
%
The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
		-- Elbert Hubbard
%
The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
%
The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
		-- John Muir
%
The Commandments of the EE:

 (9)	Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
	commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
	frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
(10)	Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
	written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
	and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
	thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
(11)	When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
	unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket.  Better
	that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
	experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
	innocent-seeming device.
%
The Commandments of the EE:

(1)	Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
	lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
	embarrassing manner.
(2)	Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
	be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
	earthly vale of tears.
(3)	Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
	which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
	thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
	a radiator too.
(4)	Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
	shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
	unbelievers.
%
The Commandments of the EE:

(5)	Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
	measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
	both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
	property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
	one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
(6)	Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
	for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
	the fury of the engineers on his head.
(7)	Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
	friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
	her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
(8)	Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
	for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
	thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
	sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
%
The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
%
The devil finds work for idle glands.
%
The difference between reality and unreality is that reality has so
little to recommend it.
		-- Allan Sherman
%
The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
		-- Robert Heinlein
%
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
%
The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
weather forecasters.
		-- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
%
The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
to do the work of a man.  The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'.
The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect
that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
over the post of robotics correspondent.
	Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
wall when the revolution came'.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
of thing.  Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
of these atoms is talking moonshine.
		-- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
		   the first time
%
The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is the most likely to be
correct.
		-- William of Occam
%
The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
suit in the city.  Colleges may be to blame.  English majors are encouraged,
I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
quad.  And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
and they are squeamish about technology to this very day.  So it is natural
for them to despise science fiction.
		-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction"
%
The following statement is not true.  The previous statement is true.
%
The Force is what holds everything together.  It has its dark side, and
it has its light side.  It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
%
"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."
		-- Dave Barry
%
The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
		-- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
%
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
%
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.  The goal of nature
is to build better mice.
%
The Greatest Mathematical Error 
	The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
July 1962 towards Venus.  After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
corrections and after 100 days the craft would cirlce the unknown planet,
scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.  
	However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
	Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
the instructions fed into the computer.  "It was human error", a launch
spokesman said.
	This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
%
The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
understood.  Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
		-- John Maynard Keyes
%
"The identical is equal to itself, since it is different."
		-- Franco Spisani
%
The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth.  And there are
searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a pointer and a mark.
		-- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
%
The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
		-- L. Zadeh
%
The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
%
The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
	The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
Hubert Cecil Booth.  However, he got the idea from a man who almost
invented it.  
	In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall.  On the bill was an
American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
	The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
-- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
	"It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
point.  "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor.  "Your machine just moves
the dust around the room," Booth informed him.  "Suck?  Suck?  Sucking is
not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out.  Booth proved
that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
sucking the back of an armchair.  "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
%
The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
%
The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
%
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
%
The moon is made of green cheese.
		-- John Heywood
%
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
%
The more they over-think the plumbing the easier it is to stop up the drain.
%
The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to exhibit
nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but rather depart
instantaneously whence thou even now standest and flee to yet another rotten
planet in the universe, if thou canst have the good fortune to find one.
		-- Carlyle
%
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
		-- Isaac Asimov
%
The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
		-- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
%
The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is that they
serve to represent the complex of our experiences; beyond this they have
no legitimacy.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
%
The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
%
The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the `social
sciences' is: some do, some don't.
		-- Ernest Rutherford
%
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
		-- Niels Bohr
%
The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that, when
exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
%
The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using
other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern
countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so
far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill
and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons.  None of the animals turned into
oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer.
		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
%
The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
engineers.
%
The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
measurement of the speed of blight.
%
The reason that every major university maintains a department of
mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those people.
%
The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
		-- Jane Bryant Quinn
%
The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
		-- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
%
The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
its theories will hold water.
%
The solution of problems is the most characteristic and peculiar sort
of voluntary thinking.
		-- William James
%
The solution of this problem is trivial and is left as an exercise for
the reader.
%
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
		-- Peer
%
The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
%
The spirit of Plato dies hard.  We have been unable to escape the philosophical
tradition that what we can see and measure in the world is merely the
superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying reality.
		-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
%
The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
of paper in any other parts of the Universe.  This single statement took
the scientific world by storm.  So many mathematical conferences got held
in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
back by years.
		-- Douglas Adams
%
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
%
"The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't
even any property taxes."
		-- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
%
The sum of the Universe is zero.
%
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
data.  Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
as the light of seven days."  Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all.  The light we
receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
Sun, so we can ignore that.  With these data we can compute the temperature
of Heaven.  The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation.  Using
the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C).  The exact
temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone."  A lake of molten
brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
or 444.6C  (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.)  We have,
then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
		-- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
%
The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
		-- Aldo Leopold
%
The tree of research must from time to time be refreshed with the blood
of bean counters.
		-- Alan Kay
%
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.  And
vice versa.
%
The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
		-- Harlan Ellison
%
The unfacts, did we have them, are too imprecisely few to warrant our certitude.
%
The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be broken.
%
The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
%
The universe is an island, surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds
universes.
%
The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
combination is locked up in the safe.
		-- Peter DeVries
%
The Universe is populated by stable things.
		-- Richard Dawkins
%
The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
		-- Sagan
%
The universe, they said, depended for its operation on the balance of four
forces which they identified as charm, persuasion, uncertainty and
bloody-mindedness.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
%
The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
and deviation standard.
%
The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can't be
done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
		-- E. Hubbard
%
The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly.  They were just the first
not to crash.
%
Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
		-- Goethe
%
There *__is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
%
There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis
are chosen correctly.
%
"There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and engineers.
While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far the more certain."
		-- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
%
There are three schools of magic.  One:  State a tautology, then ring the
changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy.  Two:  Record many facts.
Try to find a pattern.  Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
science.  Three:  Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
%
There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect the
sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the sunlight that
hits your neighbors' homes, too.
		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
%
There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
		-- R. W. Gerard
%
There is a building with four floors.  On the first floor, there
is a convention of architects.  On the second floor, there is a
vinyl manufacturing plant.  On the third floor there is a fast food
stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.

Q:	What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
	elevator with one other person from each floor?
A:	The elevator would be full.
%
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what
the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.  There is another
theory which states that this has already happened.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, having been
originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, whilst this planet
has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from so simple a
beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are
being, evolved.
		-- Darwin
%
There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing the
rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries civilization
will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. We must provide a
Great Age or see the collapse of the upward striving of the human race.
		-- Alfred North Whitehead
%
There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
		-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
%
There is no opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
		-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
%
There is no royal road to geometry.
		-- Euclid
%
There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be 
discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
on his own account.  The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
even highly probable.
		-- H.L. Mencken, 1930
%
	There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked 
each of them in seperate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
can opener.
	A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
cell and found it long empty.  The engineer had constructed a can opener from
pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
and escaped.
	The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall.  She was developing a good
pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
	The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly
against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
	Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
	Proof: assume the opposite...
%
There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms.  If they recalled
every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
insupportable.
		-- Kurt Vonnegut
%
There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
of the offspring conceived thereupon.  And so it goes that one Indian
couple made love on a buffalo  hide.  Nine months later, they were
blessed with a healthy baby son.  Yet another couple huddled together
on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
baby son.  But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
of the nine month interval.  All of which proves the old theorem that:
The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
the squaws of the other two hides.
%
There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
		-- Doug Clifford
%
There's no future in time travel.
%
There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know what you're talking
about.
		-- John von Neumann
%
They don't know how the world is shaped.  And so they give it a shape, and
try to make everything fit it.  They separate the right from the left, the
man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
only want to count to two.
		-- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
%
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
%
This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, and not enough
hunchbacks.
%
This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers.  The
spark-gap is mightier than the pen.  Democracy will not be salvaged by men
who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
		-- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
%
This is the theory that Jack built.
This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
%
This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
constant.  And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
been called by others the fiddle factor..."
		-- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture.
%
This place just isn't big enough for all of us.  We've got to find a way
off this planet.
%
This universe shipped by weight, not by volume.  Some expansion of the
contents may have occurred during shipment.
%
This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
dying... but nobody thought so.  This was a future of fortune and theft,
pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
		-- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
%
Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
%
Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
%
... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
from beginning to end.
		-- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
%
Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the
molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic.  A fourth affirms, with
Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- whose
existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A fifth
theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about
the matter than the others.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
		-- Bertrand Russell
%
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
%
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.

Space is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen to you.
%
TIRED of calculating components of vectors?  Displacements along direction of
force getting you down?  Well, now there's help.  Try amazing "Dot-Product",
the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
to YOU through this special offer.  Three out of five engineering consultants
recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products.  Mr.
Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
	"Dot-Product really works!  Calculating Z-axis force components has
	never been easier."
Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product.  Use
it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
components.  How much would you pay for it?  But wait, it also calculates the
work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's.  Divide Dot-Product by the
magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator!  Now, how
much would you pay?  All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
But that's not all!  If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free!  Yes, you'll get
Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
Call 1-800-DOT-6000.  Operators are standing by.  That number again...
1-800-DOT-6000.  Supplies are limited, so act now.  This offer is not
available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
%
To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
		-- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
%
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
		-- Thomas Edison
%
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?

And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the earth's
supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. As man
struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. Please...

			CONSERVE GRAVITY

Follow these simple suggestions:

(1)  Walk with a light step.  Carry helium balloons if possible.
(2)  Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
(3)  Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like curling.
(4)  Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
(5)  Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big pile.
(6)  Stop flipping pancakes
%
Torque is cheap.
%
Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
%
Two men are in a hot-air balloon.  Soon, they find themselves lost in a
canyon somewhere.  One of the three men says, "I've got an idea.  We can
call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
end of the canyon.  Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
	So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo!  Where
are we?"  (They hear the echo several times).
	Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
You're lost!"
	The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
	Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
	"For three reasons.  First, he took a long time to answer, second,
he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
%
Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
%
Two wrights don't make a rong, they make an airplane.  Or bicycles.
%
UFOs are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
%
Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
in relation to a bigger problem.
		-- P.D. Ouspensky
%
Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
		-- Doug Larson
%
We are all agreed that your theory is crazy.  The question which divides us is
whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct.  My own feeling
is that it is not crazy enough. 
		-- Niels Bohr
%
We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
own facts.
		-- Patrick Moynihan
%
We are sorry.  We cannot complete your call as dialed.  Please check
the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.

This is a recording.
%
We can defeat gravity.  The problem is the paperwork involved.
%
We can predict everything, except the future.
%
We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
		-- Sir Francis Bacon
%
We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth, take from
their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send forth one of
themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search into the mysteries and
marvelous simplicities of this strange and beautiful Universe, Our home.
		-- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
%
"We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company."
%
We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
%
We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
that it wasn't a fish.
	-- Marshall McLuhan
%
We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
		-- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
%
We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
%
We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
the elephant, a huge tortoise.  If we will candidly confess the truth, we
know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
his about the support of the earth.  His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
hypotheses are elephants.  Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
		-- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
%
... we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
brains -- and I am equally confident that our brains became large as
an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
functions).  But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
		-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
%
We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn of a beautiful
new world.  We will see it when we believe it.
		-- Saul Alinsky
%
... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
observations and inferences by the thousands.  The earth is billions of
years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
descent.  Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
flat nor at the center of the universe?  Science *has* taught us some
things with confidence!  Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
established as our planet's shape and position.  Our continuing struggle
to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
into doubt.
		-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", 
		   The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
%
We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here depends on a
clever but highly unmotivated trick.
		-- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
%
We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal tend to
brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous extinction.
		-- S.J. Gould
%
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technical
problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
%
We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away.  The center
of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away.  You could drive that in a week,
but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
		-- Andy Rooney
%
Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought.  He did so. "Well, kid, that
was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"

Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
	-- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
%
Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
%
"What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
		-- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
%
What is algebra, exactly?  Is it one of those three-cornered things?
		-- J.M. Barrie
%
What is mind?  No matter.  What is matter?  Never mind.
		-- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
%
What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
		-- William Blake
%
What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
		-- Will Harvey
%
What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
which is the exact opposite.
		-- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical Essays", 1928
%
What the deuce is it to me?  You say that we go around the sun.  If we went
around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
		-- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
%
What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
		-- Nikita Khruschev
%
What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
%
When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute.
But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute -- and it's longer than any
hour.  That's relativity.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people interrupted
service for one minute in his honor.  They've been honoring him intermittently
ever since, I believe.
		-- The Grab Bag
%
When some people discover the truth, they just can't understand why
everybody isn't eager to hear it.
%
When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
		-- S. Johnson
%
"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical."
		-- Jon Carroll
%
When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were
set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as
bodies of a lower grade ...
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
plane will fly.
		-- Donald Douglas
%
When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the goal.
		-- Amrom Katz
%
When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
know the answer either.
		-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%
Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
%
WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
	Oh, dear, where can the matter be
	When it's converted to energy?
	There is a slight loss of parity.
	Johnny's so long at the fair.
%
Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
examine the laws of heat.
		-- Christopher Morley
%
	While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
	"Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant.  "What do you
mean?"
	The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
a moment ago.  It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
salt was rare and expensive.  A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long.  At first the miller
thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
more salt.  The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
acres.  At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
be rid of it.  But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
why the sea is salt."
	"I don't get you," said the assistant.
		-- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
%
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
%
Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
meaning?  "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with."  "If it
doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
corner."
%
Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
		-- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program
%
With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once
build a nuclear balm?
%
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and
still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no
such thing as progress.
		-- Ransom K. Ferm
%
Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
%
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
%
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
%
Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
rays and became a tangent ?
%
"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
%
	"Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
	"What do you keep that mouse for?" I said.  "You should either
bury it or else throw it into the brook."
	"Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno.  "How ever would you
do a garden without one?  We make each bed three mouses and a half
long, and two mouses wide."
	I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
how it was used...
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
%
	"Yo, Mike!"
	"Yeah, Gabe?"
	"We got a problem down on Earth.  In Utah."
	"I thought you fixed that last century!"
	"No, no, not that.  Someone's found a security problem in the physics
program.  They're getting energy out of nowhere."
	"Blessit!  Lemme look...  <tappity clickity tappity>  Hey, it's
there all right!  OK, just a sec...  <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
There, that ought to patch it.  Dist it out, wouldja?"
		-- Cold Fusion, 1989
%
You are a taxi driver.  Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
use for only seven years.  One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
the carburetor needs adjusting.  The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
moment is only three-quarters full.  How old is the taxi driver?"
%
You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
		-- The First Law Of Thermodynamics

What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
		-- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics

You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
		-- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
%
You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
		-- F. Allen
%
You can't cheat the phone company.
%
You cannot have a science without measurement.
		-- R. W. Hamming
%
You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
%
You mean you didn't *know* she was off making lots of little phone companies?
%
You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
about 10^12 to 1.
		-- Ernest Rutherford
%
You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses.
Really, that's what scientists believe.  In fact many scientists actually
use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the summer.  If you visit a
scientist's house on a sultry August day, you'll find a cheerful fire
roaring on the hearth and the scientist sitting nearby, remarking on how
cool he is and drinking heavily.
		-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
%
You will never amount to much.
		-- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
%
 (1)  I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
 (2)  The Nutcracker Swede
 (3)  Santa Goes Round-The-World
 (4)  Not-So-Tiny Tim
 (5)  Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
 (6)  Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
 (7)  Crisco Kringle
 (8)  Babes in Boyland
 (9)  Santa's Magic Lap
(10)  Hot Buttered Elves
		-- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times Square"
%
10 greatest lies of all time:

	 (1) I love you.
	 (2) This won't hurt a bit.
	 (3) The Mercedes is paid for.
	 (4) The check is in the mail.
	 (5) I was just going to call you.
	 (6) I've always worn cowboy boots.
	 (7) I swear I won't come in your mouth.
	 (8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
	 (9) We have a really challenging assignment for you.
	(10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you.
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:

	 (1) A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
	 (2) A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
	 (3) A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
	 (4) A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
	 (5) A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
	 (6) A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
	 (7) A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
	 (8) A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
	 (9) A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
	(10) A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:

	 (1) A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
	 (2) A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
	     quarterback.
	 (3) A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
	 (4) You don't have to let a beer win.
	 (5) Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
	     sleep with it, too.
	 (6) A beer helps with the housework.
	 (7) A beer will never fumble with your bra.
	 (8) A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
	 (9) A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
	(10) A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:

	 (1) Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
	 (2) A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
	 (3) If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
	 (4) A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
	 (5) A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
	 (6) You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
	 (7) A beer won't switch the TV channel.
	 (8) A beer doesn't snore.
	 (9) A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carbueretor.
	(10) A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:

	 (1) A beer won't make you go to church.
	 (2) A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a
	     woman.
	 (3) A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys
	     spit.
	 (4) A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
	     other beers on the side.
	 (5) A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman"
	     instead of "doberperson".
	 (6) A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of
	     lesbian folk music on yer fave radio station.
	 (7) A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
	 (8) A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
	     toilet seat up.
	 (9) A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8"
	     is an enormous can of vegetable juice.
	(10) A beer won't smoke in your car.
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:

	 (1) Beer understands the difference between shooting down an
	     unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner
	     out of the sky.
	 (2) A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission.
	 (3) A beer never fishes for compliments.
	 (4) Beer tastes good.
	 (5) A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes'
	     Greatest Hits" as much as you do.
	 (6) An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
	 (7) A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
	 (8) Beer never asks you to change the station.
	 (9) A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's
	     twenty cents less expensive.
	(10) A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste
	     like grass.
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:

	 (1) You can enjoy a beer all month.
	 (2) Beer stains wash out.
	 (3) Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
	 (4) Beer never makes you wait.
	 (5) A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
	 (6) Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family".
	 (7) A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
	 (8) Beer doesn't demand equality.
	 (9) Beer labels come off without a fight.
	(10) Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
%
11 reasons a cucumber is better than a man:

	 (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night,
	     and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
	 (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
	 (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber
	     ...is married
	     ...is on penicillin
	     ...likes you -- but loves your brother!
	 (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
	 (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
	 (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
	 (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
	 (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
	 (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
	(10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
	(11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
%
15 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:

	 (1) A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
	 (2) Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
	 (3) A beer won't steal all the covers.
	 (4) A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer.
	 (5) A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
	 (6) A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
	 (7) You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
	 (8) A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
	 (9) A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
	(10) A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
	(11) If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
	(12) A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you.
	(13) A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
	(14) A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
	(15) A beer will NEVER call you "Babe".  Or "Sugar".
%
20 Reasons Why a Beer is Bettern than a Man:

	 (1) A beer never leaves the toilet seat up.
	 (2) A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
	 (3) A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
	 (4) You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
	 (5) A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
	 (6) A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
	 (7) A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
	 (8) A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
	 (9) A beer won't steal the covers.
	(10) A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
	(11) A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
	(12) A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
	(13) A beer tastes good.
	(14) A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
	(15) A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' 
	     quarterback.
	(16) You don't have to let a beer win.
	(17) A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
	(18) A beer will never call you "Babe".  Or "Sugar-hips".
	(19) A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
	(20) You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
%
6802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction.
%
69 + 69 = dinner for 4.
%
77.  HO HUM -- The Redundant

------- (7)	This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
--- --- (8)	boredom.  Your programs always bomb off.  Your wife
------- (7)	smells bad.  Your children have hives.  You are working
---O--- (6)	on an accounting system, when you want to develop the
---X--- (9)	GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER.  You give up hot dates to
--- --- (8)	nurse sick computers.  What you need now is sex.

Nine in the second place means:
	The yellow bird approaches the malt shop.  Misfortune.

Six in the third place means:
	In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue
	Service.  Great Dragons!  Are you in trouble!
%
8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:

	(1) You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
	(2) A beer doesn't care when you come.
	(3) Beer doesn't have a mother.
	(4) Beer doesn't need much closet space.
	(5) A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy
	    "just for the articles".
	(6) Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
	(7) Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone
	    else's beer.
	(8) When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer
	    doesn't make you ill.
%
9 reasons a taco is better than a woman:

	(1) Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat so the lid won't
	    stay up.
	(2) Tacos don't use your razor on their legs.
	(3) Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me."
	(4) Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun."
	(5) Tacos will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement,
	    or seek custody of anything.
	(6) Tacos won't ask you about your last lover, or speculate about your
	    next one.
	(7) A taco will never make a scene because there are other tacos in the
	    refrigerator.
	(8) It's easy to drop a taco.
	(9) Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest.
%
A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of
six.  One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully
sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from
another shipwreck that morning.  After they got over their initial surprise
at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on
this barren bit of land.
	"Almost twenty years," he answered.
	"Twenty years!" she exclaimed.  "But how ever did you survive?"
	"Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he
replied.
	"And what do you do for sex?" she asked.
	"What's that?"  He looked puzzled.
	Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand
beside her and proceeded to demonstrate.  After they had finished, she asked
how he had enjoyed it.
	"Great!" was the reply.  "But look what it did to my clamdigger!"
%
A beautiful, voluptous woman goes to see a gynecologist.  The doctor takes
one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past.  Right
away he tells her to undress.  After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
thigh.  As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
	"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities."
	"Correct," says the doctor.  He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
	"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
cancer."
	"That's right," replies the doctor.  He then gradually proceeds to
having sexual intercourse with her.  "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing
now?"
	"Yes," she says.  "You're getting herpes."
%
A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months.  Each week he
would send his wife a telegram saying,
	"Can't come home yet.  Still buying."
His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business.
She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month
rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams,
she wired him,
	"Better come home.  I'm selling what you're buying."
%
A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow.
%
	A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife
of cheating on him.  The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he
drives to work he can't take it any more.  He thinks to himself, "she
probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover."
	When he gets to his office, he calls home.  The maid answers.  He
says, "Hello.  Is my wife there?"
	"Yes, sir", the maid whispers.
	"Is she with her lover?"
	The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say
that I feel terrible about how she treats you."
	The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!.  If you feel as badly as you
say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun.  Check
to make sure that it's loaded.  Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating
two-timing whore and her lover.  Dispose of the gun, and then come back to
the phone and tell me that it's over.  Don't worry -- I'll protect you."
The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps,
silence... and then two shots.  More footsteps.  Finally the maid comes back
to the phone and says "It's done."
	The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?"
	"I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies.
	"Statue in the garden?  Say, what number is this, anyway?"
%
A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
and that her price was $500.  He was taken aback by the price, but after
a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room.  She spent a few
minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
masturbating furiously on the bed.  "What are you doing?", she asked.
	"Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
%
A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
%
A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular single's place,
watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women.  The
guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few
moments with each woman.  As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't
hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat
shocked at his approach.  Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and
they hit it off immediately.  After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed
the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators.  As they
passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was.
	"Well," the man replied, "It's simple.  You say 'Tickle your ass
with a feather?'  If she sounds interested, you take it from there.  If she
sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'"
	The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman
at the end of the bar to try out his new approach.  Getting her attention,
he smiles and says "Fuck me!"
	"What?!?!?" she screams.
	"Raining like hell, isn't it?"
%
A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
buddy down the road, who owns several boars.  They agree on a stud fee, and
the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
boars.  He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
the man how he can tell if it "took" or not.  The breeder replies that if,
the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
	Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
frolic.  This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
in the mud.
	Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
don't have the heart to look again.  This is getting ridiculous.  You check
today."  With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
	"What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly.  "Are they grazing at last?"
	"Nope." replies his wife.  "Two of them are jumping up and down in
the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
%
A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
%
A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him,

"If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you."

The trouble is, the note wasn't signed.
%
A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
hard it was to get any sleep.
	"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
	"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
	"At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
%
A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English
professor.  She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation
and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the
night.  As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and
asks, "Were you blue while I was away?"
	"Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown."
%
A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which
they hoped would prove to be the missing link.  The proof of their theory,
however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see
what characteristics the offspring would assume.  Needing volunteers, the
scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape."
	Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he
would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
	"First," he said, "my wife must never know.  Second, any children
must be baptized.  And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
%
A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
girl there.
	"This is a very special frog," he informs her.  "His name is Charlie."
	"What's so special about this frog?" she asks.
He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that,
	"This frog can eat pussy."
The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her
a filthy lie.  But no, he assures her, it's completely true.  And after much
discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action.
She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and
says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"  The frog is immobile, despite his
owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker.
	"Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"
	"C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!"
By now, the girl is laughing openly.
	"Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm
only going to show you one more time."
%
	A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops
in at a local bar for a drink.  He gets his beer, turns around to sit down,
and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde.  The two strike up a
conversation, and really hit it off.  After a couple drinks they leave the bar
go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings.  Which doesn't take long -- by
seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching.
	'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock:
"Midnight!  Already!  I gotta get home!  Honey, you have any baby powder?"
He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes.
	"Baby powder?" she asks.  But she comes back from the bathroom and
hands him the powder.  He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her
goodbye, and runs out the front door.
	He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the
doorway.
	"Okay," she mutters, "let's have it."
	"Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet.  "Okay.  I went
to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off.  We
had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..."
	"Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands...  Don't you lie to me!
You've been bowling again!"
%
A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
%
A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.
%
A hard man is good to find.
%
A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor.  In gratitude, the boy gave
the hunter a magic gorilla prick.  The lad said the prick would do anything you
told it to do until you told it to do something else.  When the hunter returned
home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some
of his other trophies.  His wife thought it quaint and his story charming.  But
soon, the hunter went a-safariing again.  He was away for months.  One evening,
the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me."
Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great
thoroughness and ferocity.  For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven,
but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it,
Gorilla Prick," but it didn't.  After a bit more she was screaming "Stop!
Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole.  But nothing
worked.  Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams.
	"Saunders, help me please!"
	"But what is it, Madame?"
	"It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!"
	"Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!"
%
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.  When
she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.  The man shouted,
"What, no wool?  In my country all women have wool down there."
	The prostitute snapped back,  "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
%
A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge
Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass.
	"From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd
backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match,
thet one wuz!"
	"Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use
the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead."
	Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse?  Whut's thet, Judge?"
	His Honor sighed.  "It's a technicality of language that you're
probably not aware of.  Never mind.  Please continue."
	"Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he
was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago
Stroke, an she let out with a holler thet..."
	"One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago
Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?"
	"Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably
not aware of!"
%
A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
		-- Thomas Hardy
%
A man and a woman got married.  Although it is the first time for the
husband, it is the woman's second marriage.  As they go to bed on their
wedding night, the wife says to her husband:

	"Dear, there's something I must tell you.  I'm a virgin."
Naturally, the husband is surprised.
	"You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a
virgin?"
	"Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a
computer programmer."
	"What's so odd about that?", he asked.  "Why would you still be
a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?"
	"Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and
tell me how great it was going to be."
%
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
		-- Joan Rivers
%
A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy.  When he wakes up
from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously
around his bed.
	"What happened?" he asks worriedly.
	"Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error,
and you got mixed-up with another patient.  Instead of an appendectomy, we
performed a sex-change operation.  Your penis has been removed and a vagina
has been crafted into place."
	"WHAT!!!" screams the man.  "That's horrible!  What am I going to
tell my wife?  Can't you reverse it?  This means I'm never going to experience
another erection!"
	"Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of
course, have to be someone else's."
%
A man is as old as the woman he feels.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno.  By the roadside he
sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up.  As the man gets into his
car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
	"All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off."
	"What!?" says the man, disbelievingly.
	"Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker.
	So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right,
I did what you wanted, can I go now?"
	"Nope," says the hijacker.  "Do it again."
	"Again?" the driver exclaims.  "I just did it."
	"Do it again."
	It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again.
Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave.
	"Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more
time."
	The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat.  It takes him
twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time.
	"Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?"
	"Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun.  "And this is my daughter;
I want you to drive her into Salerno."
%
A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
for companionship.  The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared.  Months later,
a raft drifts into sight.  The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
	"You are so good to me," she responds gratefully.  "I'd do absolutely
anything to show my gratitude."
	"Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
that holds up his ragged pants.  "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
and take that damn dog for a walk!"
%
A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole-
in-one.  As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears.
	"Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish.  What
is your heart's desire?"
	"Great!", replies the man.  I want a longer penis."
	"Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears.
	As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can
feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable.
By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to
his knee.  Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he
grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course.  Three weeks later,
he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears.
	"Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish.  What
is your heart's desire?"
	"Yeah, I know all that," replies the man.  "Listen, could you make
my legs longer?"
%
A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
		-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
%
	A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar.  They got along well,
shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening.  When he left her, he told her
that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
soon.  Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
	The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing.  She
agreed.  As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
-- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
knife!
	Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
afternoon finding a particularly unusual one.  Arriving at her apartment
he immediately presented her with the knife.  She ooohed and ahhhed over it
for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
	Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
	"Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
won't always be true.  And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
%
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
%
A man never minds being in the doghouse as long as he can get his tail outside.
%
A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't
help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on
the train platform.
	"Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger.
	"Glad to do it," said the other man.
	"Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful."
	"It was a pleasure," said the man.
	"And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger,
"she was a truly great lay."
	The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned
to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you
to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?"
	"Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it.  But
Sam is a helluva nice guy."
%
A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country
flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a
large button with the letters "NAA" on it.
	"What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button.
	"Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied.
	After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my
asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed'
men?"
	"Well, it's not what you think.  Native Americans.  They're better
hung than *anybody*."
	"And is it true that the French are the best lovers?"
	"No, Jewish men.  Once you finally get them going they can last
all night.  By the way, my name is Sue.  What's yours?"
	"Running Bear Sheldon."
%
A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a
water hazard and croaked,  "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th
person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts:
First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone
ever had; beyond your wildest dreams.  Or, second, for a whole year you can
be the best golfer the world has ever known.  Which do you prefer?"  The man
thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf.  Well, the man holed his wood
shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and
went round in 22.  Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world,
and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever
he went.  A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog,
and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up,
and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before.  But tell me, I
was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is
outstanding?"  The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department
at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex
last year?" inquired the frog.  The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight
or ten times, I guess."  "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very
satisfactory."  "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad
for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota."
%
A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.  
He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
gas.  When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
were off.  Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside.  He wasn't sure
what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
"Help... help... help".  He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
ankles.  He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
	"These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my 
clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
	"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants.  "This just
hasn't been your day, has it?" 
%
A man who likes to lie in bed can usually find a girl willing to listen to him.
%
A midget had a date with a very tall girl.  It was a quiff-hanger.
%
A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office.  The mother 
asked the doctor to examine her daughter.  "She has been having some strange 
symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
	The doctor examined the daughter carefully.  Then he announced,
"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
	The mother gasped.  "That's nonsense!" she said.  "Why, my little
girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..."  She
turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
	"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl.  "Doctor, I have never so much as
kissed a man!"
	The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again.  Then, 
silently he stood up and walked to the window.  He stared out.  He continued 
staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something 
wrong out there?"
	"No, Madam," said the doctor.  "It's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
another one was going to show up."
%
A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
Alaska, where there were no women for miles.  He finally couldn't take it
anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
the pressure.
	"Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
foreman.  "The other men swear by it."
	The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
his life.  "That barrel is fantastic!  Warm!  Wet!  I'm going to use it
every day!"
	"Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
other men replied.
	"Why not then?"
	"That's your day in the barrel."
%
A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
out the local action.  He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk
Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two.  After a few
minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form
and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him.  The chemistry between
them is immediate and total.  They have the next drink in her room, and spend
the night repeatedly making passionate love.  The woman has no idea of her
partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad.  In the
morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower.  Reflecting on the previous
night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover.  Without even
bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room,
where the woman is still in bed, exhausted.  He kneels beside the bed, looks
deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell
you -- I'm Thor!".

The woman looks at him.  "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel
like grated cheeth!"
%
A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
married.  The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
children.  A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
		-- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
		   attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
		   pornography.
%
A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
%
A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time
talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping.  The trade
was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to
their respective houses.  After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of
the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and
said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?"
%
A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is true to the very end of
the end of a friend.
%
A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his
trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments.  With this in
mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited
results.  Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard.  Since the talented
octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed.  Opening the door
the next morning, he asked the octopus,
	"Have you learned to play that thing yet?"
	"Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all
night!"
%
A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed
against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
hands.  He's moaning something about how "They took my car!"  Seeing that
the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case
of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man.
	"What happened to your car?"
	"My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards
stole it!  Please officer, get my Porsche back.  My God, it was right on
the end of my key!  Where is it?  They stole it and it was right here;
right on my key!"
	"OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do.  You'll have to come
down to the stat...  Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing
yourself!"
	"Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"
%
	A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
car to take a look at the outback.  "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
	Later that day, they returned, upset and angry.  "You said it was
decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
	"And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
	"Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
%
A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
	The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
the hard way.  The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
field stones... did it the hard way.  That hardwood floor in the living
room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way.  The ceiling
beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
	Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in.  The farmer
looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
obviously and smiles.  "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
%
	A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have
some good news and some bad news."
	He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news."
	She replied, "You're not sterile."
%
A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex
act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and
styles of condoms.  The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity
for fun at the lad's expense.
	"Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand.
The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in
her hand as she measured it.  When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and
a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a
tremendous discharge.  After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now
give him the proper size.
	"I'll do more than that," she said.  "I'll give you free meals and a
half interest in the store."
%
	A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
for a job.  He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
qualifications.  The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
white man and said: "You leave!  No job!"
	The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
that of tribe Medicine-Man.  He would convince him if the Chief would allow
him to demonstrate his magic.  "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
	"Oh, yeah?", said the stranger.  "I'll prove it to you by making
your dog, here, talk!"
	"Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
good.  He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
	"If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
	"Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse.  He takes me up to
the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
	The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
	"NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
%
A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at
the local saloon.  After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he
hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town.
	The bartender replied, "Nope.  Ain't no women in this town!"
	"No women? What do the men do for... er..."
	"Oh, for sex?  Did you see all those pigs in the street?  That's the
answer, right there."
	Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his
drinking.  Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he
wanted to try out a pig himself.  He had watched several miners walk upstairs
to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms.  Now, he was
game to make his move.  He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
a nice fat, pink sow.  As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
quiet.  In the embarassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
	"What's the matter?  I thought all you fellows did this!"
	"Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
%
A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go
for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired.  Under
a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and
with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter.  Sobbing
uncontrollably she asked her seducer,
	"How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?"
	"Twice?" asked the young man, confused.
	"Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye.
"You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
%
A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
%
A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
%
A virgin is chaste.
%
A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked.
%
A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty comes most easily to those
who have no taste for it.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
		-- Addison
%
A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed
this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an
unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!"
		-- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why
		   masturbation is "by no means harmless"
%
A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into
the passenger seat.  The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?"
	The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask
people personal questions."
	The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
	The mother replies "That's a personal question too.  I'm not going
to tell you."
	Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions.  The mother parks the
car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes.  You stay here in
the car and watch my purse."
	After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's
license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it.  When
her mother returns they drive off.  The little girl comments:
	"Mommy, I know how old you are.  You're 32."
	"That's right!  How did you know?"
	"And you weigh 119 pounds."
	"Did you look in my purse?"
	"And I know why you and Daddy divorced."
	"You *do*?"
	"Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!"
%
"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her drawers."
		-- Blind Lemon Pledge
%
A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.  
They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate 
love.  Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned 
to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."

She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off my
pantyhose."
%
A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob, whereupon his
father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to settle for a kiss."

The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"
%
A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition
as to who was the best practical joker.  When she announced her marriage,
like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would
be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best.  The brother who was a
carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes.  The brother who
worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour.  Finally,
the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately.
A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each
received a telegram from their sister.  It read:

	I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it.  I was amused
	when the shower went cold five minutes after it started.  But I'm
	going to kill whoever put the novocaine into the KY jelly...
%
A.I. hackers do it with robots.
%
AC/DC is a rock band.
                -- Bisexuality, 101
%
Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex, 
and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...
%
After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple
are back at his place tearing their clothes off.  Things are really
starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically
rummaging through a dresser drawer.
	"What are you doing?" she asks.
	"Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber."
%
After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little
bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making
love to men?"
	"That's MY business," she snapped.
	"Ah," he said.  "A professional."
%
After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond,
attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite.  They chatted
for a while, and then kissed on the couch.  A little fondling, some feeling
and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
were in the wide, cool bed, naked together.  They chatted more, established
a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying.  The
girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.  
	"Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good.  Why, she could 
be my own daughter."  He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
	"Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
like you doing in a hotel like this?"
	"Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips."
%
After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
%
After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested
in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically.  In desperation, Joan
hauled him to a marriage couselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
and Max's protestations.  Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully
to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to
become less physical.  Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had
needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill.  Finally,
the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a
little for a marriage to work.  From now on, no matter how you feel at the
time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually.  And,
remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your
wife are a partnership of love."  Joan was delighted, and floated out of the
counselor's offices.  On the way downstairs, she nudged Max.

"So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?"
%
After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening,
the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted
indignantly.  "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'."

"Splendid!" exclaimed her date.  "Now we can start making some progress."
%
After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously
embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him.
	"N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist."
	"I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully.
	"Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave.
	"Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this
drugstore for nearly ten years.  There is nothing you can tell us that will
embarrass us.
	"Well, all right," he said.  "I have this awful sexual hunger that
nothing will appease.  No matter how many times I make love, I still want to
make love again and again.  Is there anything you can give me for it?"
	"Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my
sister."
	A few minutes later, she returned.  "The best we can do," she said,
"is room and board and a half-interest in the business."
%
	After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were
trying to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent.
	"You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other to
crawl through, "I feel like a Marine."
	"So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to find one
at three in the morning?"
%
After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
		-- Joan Rivers
%
Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over.
%
Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor.

Q:	You know how to figure out if your lover's been "invovlved"?
A:	Antler marks on their hips.
%
Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate,
the third is routine.  After that you just take the girl's clothes off.
		-- Raymond Chandler
%
Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his
daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly.
	"What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex.
	"Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose.
	"That's nonsense," said the father.  "Why do you say that?"
	"Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God;
so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was
screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her
down."
%
"Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm".  Maybe this explains
the popularity of this field of study in computer science.
%
All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
place to shift.
%
"All I need is a little room to lay my hat and a few friends."
		-- Dorothy Parker to a real estate agent,
		   on looking for an apartment
%
All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet.
%
Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.
%
America cannot be sold a can of beer without being offered a piece of
pussy along with it.
		-- Julius Lester
%
America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing.
		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
%
An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches.
%
An acid is like a woman:  a good one will eat through your pants.
		-- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
%
An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan.  Two weeks before
officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha
house.  While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san,
yaki-san."
	Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first
Japanese word.  It must be an expression of joy."
	When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment,
which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course.
After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made
a hole-in-one.  The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai!
Bonsai!"
	Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the
new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san,
yaki-san!"
	The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed,
"What do you mean, wrong hole?"
%
An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: if gets laid once; it gets
eaten once.  It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only
person who will sit on its face is its mother.
%
An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps.  She
picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears!  The genie
tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
	After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
beautiful!"  And POOF!  In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
voluptuous woman.
	After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
for the rest of my life."  And POOF!  When the smoke clears, there are
stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
	The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
	"Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
handsome prince!"
	And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
	As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
fixed?"
%
And having stretched me out upon his bed with my head a little to one side,
he sat down next to me and raised my head upon his lap.  He peered avidly at
me, his eyes seemed ready to devour the secretion oozing from my nose.  "Oh,
the pretty little snotface," said he, beginning to pant, "How I'm going to
suck her."  Therewith bending down over me, and taking my nose in his mouth,
not only did he devour all the mucus between my nose and mouth, but he even
lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the
other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which
redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily.  But ask me for
no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether
because he did nothing, or becaues he did it all in his drawers, there was
nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous
lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy,
and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge.  All my clothes
were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this
old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most repectable
and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything
lewd in it at all.
		-- Marquis de Sade
%
Another nun joke!!!
	You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly
this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat,
exposing his all to the sisters.  Well, two of the nuns had strokes right
there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it.
%
Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through
his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high.
%
APL hackers take all they want.
%
Apple owners do it with mice!
%
As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me.
%
As my dear auntie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex
makes the ride fun."
%
As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices
within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by
sex."

One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we
know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria.  We do, however,
have two alcoholics."
%
As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept saying
"Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with one of his
patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, you're a veterinarian."
%
As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two
figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road.  The driver blew
his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking, 
oblivious to his warnings.  The truck finally slid to a halt barely three
inches from the pair.  "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them.  "You
could have been killed!"

The man stood up and faced the driver.  "Well, I was coming, she was coming
and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with brakes."
%
As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere
with flight.  [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the Wright
Brothers.  They were watching birds one day, trying to figure out how to get
their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on Wilbur.  "Orville,"
he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual organs!" You should have
seen their original design.] As a result, birds are very, very difficult to
arouse sexually.  You almost never see an aroused bird.  So when they want
to reproduce, birds fly up and stand on telephone lines, where they monitor
telephone conversations with their feet.  When they find a conversation in
which people are talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they
are both highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
		   Teen Should Know"
%
Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it,
she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds."
		-- David Letterman
%
Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free!
%
Assassins do it from behind.
%
At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that
it's necessary to take her temperature rectally.  She agrees and bends over
the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's
NOT my rectum!"
	"Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!"
	Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the
room.  "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands.
	"I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies.
	"Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel
off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have
numbers on it!"
%
Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
executive appeared at a local health resort.  Looking over the several weight
loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two
pounds per day.  After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he
was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that
"if he caught her, he could have her".  After an hour of hard running, he
finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had
lost just under three pounds.  Returning the next week, he chose the plan that
was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session.  After following the same
regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running,
he caught the young woman.  Weight loss, just over four pounds.  Returning the
following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day.  He was shown
to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely
muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into
a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules.  Start running!"
%
Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times.
%
B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.1415926535?
%
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
%
Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
Indians.  After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
the number of feathers in the headdresses.  She asked a brave who had only
one feather in his headdress.  His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
have only one feather."  She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
was only joking.  This brave had four feathers in his headdress.  He replied,
"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
	Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.  Now the Chief had a
headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
Ms. W:	"Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
Chief:	"Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall, me fuck-em all."
Ms. W:	"You ought to be hung!"
Chief:	"You damned right, me hung.  Big like buffalo, long like snake."
Ms. W:	"You don't have to be so hostile!"
Chief:	"Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
Ms. W:	"Oh, dear!"
Chief:	"No deer, me no fuck deer.  Asshole too high and fuckers run
		too fast."
%
BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!!
%
Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks!
%
Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, 
Guinevere, into her chastity belt.  Then he summoned his loyal friend and 
subject Sir Lancelot.  "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this 
sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife.  The key to this chaste 
treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world.  To you."
	Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's 
blessing and took charge of the key.  Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.  
Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to 
see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
	"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
	"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
%
"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to
confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
	"But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
replied. 
	"Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
%
Bend over and take it like a man!
%
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
		-- Mae West
%
Bi now, gay later!
%
Bill and Jim were walking home from work.  As they walked along, they 
discussed their wives' spending habits.  "I don't understand how women 
can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed.  "I mean, understand, she 
don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!"
%
Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best 
friend asked him how it went.
	"The first night we did it nine times," Bill said.  "The second 
night, eight times.  The third night, seven times.  The fourth night, six 
times.  The fifth night, five times.  The sixth night, four times, and the 
last night, nothing!"
	"Nothing?" his pal asked.  "How come?"
	"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
%
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
Census Taker".  It's about a guy who comes once every ten years.
%
Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot.
%
	"Breakfast sometime?"
	"Sure."
	"Shall I call you or just nudge you?"
%
"But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?"
		-- Anonymous med school student.
%
... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
be produced by either of the parties working alone.  It is akin to the
benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation.  The latter
is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
of knuckles.
		-- Harlan Ellison
%
But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
		-- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson
%
Buy old masters.  They fetch better prices than old mistresses.
		-- Lord Beaverbrook
%
Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus...
%
	"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?"
	"Uh, not right now."
	"Tsk.  A girl has to have some standards."
		-- "Real Genius"
%
Chaste makes waste.
%
Chastity is its own punishment.
%
Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck,
and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary.
		-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
%
Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!!
%
Coffee without caffeine.  Beer without alcohol.  Milk without fat.
What's next?  Bridal suites with bunk beds?
		-- Orben's Current Comedy
%
Coito ergo sum.
%
Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together.  Live as
ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to
endure marriage.  But she?
		-- Franz Kafka
%
College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months later
you wish you'd never come.
%
Come up and see me sometime.  Come Wednesday, that's amateur night.
		-- Mae West
%
Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
%
Communists do it without class.
%
Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion.
%
Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.

	[Taking a shower in raincoat?  Ed.]
%
Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphrams.
		-- Robin Williams
%
Confucious say:
	a smart man knows on which side his broad is better.
%
Confucious say:
	boy who play with himself pulls boner.
%
Confucious say:
	child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission
		turn out to be shiftless bastard.
%
Confucious say:
	eplileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
%
Confucious say:
	fool man climb tree to get cherries;  wise man spread limbs.
%
Confucious say:
	Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best.
%
Confucious say:
	man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy.
%
Confucious say:
	man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch!
%
Confucious say:
	man who beat off in car have hot rod.
%
Confucious say:
	man who fights with wife all day, gets not peace at night.
%
Confucious say:
	man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs.
%
Confucious say:
	man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
%
Confucious say:
	man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag.
%
Confucious say:
	man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face.
%
Confucious say:
	man who lay girl on hill, not on level.
%
Confucious say:
	man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car,
		get exhausted.
%
Confucious say:
	man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement.
%
Confucious say:
	man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key.
%
Confucious say:
	man who make love on ground have piece on Earth.
%
Confucious say:
	man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
%
Confucious say:
	man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
%
Confucious say:
	man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
%
Confucious say:
	man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
%
Confucious say:
	man who sleep in road wake up with run-down feeling.
%
Confucious say:
	man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
%
Confucious say:
	man who streak unsuited for work.
%
Confucious say:
	man who suck nipples make clean breast of things.
%
Confucious say:
	man with athletic finger make broad jump
%
Confucious say:
	man with head up ass have shitty outlook on life.
%
Confucious say:
	man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
%
Confucious say:
	modern house without toilet uncanny.
%
Confucious say:
	passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
%
Confucious say:
	seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
%
Confucious say:
	squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
%
Confucious say:
	woman should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before
		they shoot.
%
Confucious say:
	woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss.
%
Confucious say:
	woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
%
Confucious say:
	woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.
%
Confucious say:
	woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit.
%
Confucious say:
	woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
%
Confucious say:
	woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town.
%
Confucious say:
	woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.
%
Confucious say:
	woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring
		next spring.
%
Confucious say:
	woman's irginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
%
Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
%
Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal it is which never
entrusts its life to one hole only.
		-- Titus Maccius Plautus
%
Couples in motion have moments.
%
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
		-- Brendan Behan
%
Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
%
Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
%
Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
%
"Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
	"But this is different," protested her husband.
	"Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
Now tell me what our problem is."
	"Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
bastard child."
%
"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll 
be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
%
"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are married?"

He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so. I've
always been especially fond of married women."
%
Dear Abby:
	I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously.  I
think she's the one for me.  There's just one problem: I can't remember
from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD.  What should I do?
			--Confused

Dear Confused:
	If she coughs, fuck her.
%
Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this
telegram was sent from a wife to her husband:
	"NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE."
%
Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely
housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice.
The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that
were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way.  "They'll make
him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just
put one in whatever he's drinking."
	Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter
and dashed off to the supermarket.  It didn't take long before the cat jumped
up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family
dog.  And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking
they were aspirin.
	When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping
the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight
of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter.
"What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried.
	"See that mosquito?" he replied.
%
Dial 911.  Make a cop come.
%
Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America?
		-- Ed Sanders
%
Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control has already
been born?
		-- Benny Hill
%
Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled.
%
DIVE!!!  DIVE!!!  DIVE!!!
UP PERISCOPE!!!

(Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.)
%
Do I like getting drunk?  Depends on who's doing the drinking.
		-- Amy Gorin
%
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
%
Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
%
Do something big -- fuck a giant.
%
"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Who else?" answered the patient.
%
	"Do you smoke after sex?"
	"Why, do you know, I've never looked!"
%
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
%
Documentation is like sex:  when it is good, it is very, very good; and
when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
		-- Dick Brandon
%
	Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
white electric blanket?  I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.

Thanks, Kathy.  (front desk, x17)

p.s.	Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns? Or is Vaseline better?
%
Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
%
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
		-- Bo Diddley
%
Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!!
%
Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse.
%
Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
		-- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
%
Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking,
but you're dressed.  It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing
exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that.
		-- Grace Slick
%
During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her 
husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!"  Then, turning to the counselor,
she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
%
Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a 
blizzard.  He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that, 
while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter.  She proved 
to be eighteen and beautiful.   So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a 
pass at the daughter.  "Stop that!" she said.  "I'll call my father."  
	He desisted.  But half an hour later he made another attempt.  "Uh, 
stop ... that," she said.  "I'll call my father."
	But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try.  This time, no
protest, no threat.  Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she 
tugged at his pajama sleeve.  "Could we do that again?" she asked.  
	Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the 
tug at his sleeve.  "Again?"  
	And again Ed obliged.  But when his sleep was once more interrupted
by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
and mumbled, "Stop that!  Or I'll call your father."
%
EE's do it without shorts.
%
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
%
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
%
Ever notice that the women who are against abortion are the ones you
wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
		-- George Carlin
%
Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
%
Every harlot was a virgin once.
		-- William Blake
%
Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman, 
obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance 
floor like a 20-year old.  Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette 
girl.  "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
of your age living it up like a youngster.  Tell me, are all of your faculties
unimpaired?"
	The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head.  "Not 
all, I'm afraid." he said.  "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a 
girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place 
about two A.M.  We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
as my head hit the pillow.  I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
	"Why, George," she said in suprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
	"So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to 
fail me."
%
Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
		-- Ellyn Mustard
%
	Farmer Johnson was drunk again.
	"You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could
only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens."
	Anna said nothing.  Farmer Johnson tried again.  "You know, Anna, if
only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows."
	Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you
could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob."
%
Father:	Son, it's time we talked about sex.
Son:	Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
%
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
%
	"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
said the guy aggressively.
	"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
	"Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in 
town."
	"Oh, no, you won't."
	"Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
	"Oh, no, you won't."
	"Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
	"Oh, no, you're not."
	"And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
	"Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
%
Floppy now, hard later.
%
For a gay time, call 555-9483.  Ask for Brucie.
%
For a good time, call 555-9484.  Ask for Cathy.
%
For a good time, call 555-9485.  Ask for Michael.
%
For children, a woman.
For pleasure, a boy.
For sheer ecstasy, a melon.
%
For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel
and cook.
		-- Quentin Crisp
%
For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an 
exquisite nightgown of imported lace.  The next week her salary was raised!
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#15

Sex:
	Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
	Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.  Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards
and giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school
romances rarely work out.

Handwriting:
	To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
"i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their
"p's" and "g's".  It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.  Even
when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#18

Sexual frequency:
	The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every
morning, or maybe both if he's under 25.  The average woman would like to
have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month.

Shopping:
	It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men.
Men don't like to shop.  If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he
will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition.
He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in
color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know.  Even then it takes him
half an hour to get there from the entrance.  When he's finally accomplished
his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook.  Women shop to
relax.
%
Fortune personals:
	SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies.
	If you desire fluency in the French tongue,
	this cunning linguist can lick your problem.
	Fortune -- P.O. Box 478
%
Fortune Personals:
	SWBiM, 29.  Gr/Fr/Mild English.  Have
	own moose, hoop.  Sincere inquiries
	only.  Discreet.  Fortune P.O. Box 1910.
%
Fortune presents:
	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3.

Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo?	Where's the nearest massage parlor?
Vi dolorigas min.			You're hurting me.
Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston.	I want to see an American doctor.
Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn.	I would like to buy some
						contraceptives.
^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci?	Was it good for you too?
%
Fortune presents:
	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4.
Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj.	My hovercraft is full of eels.
Neniu anticipas la hispanan		No one expects the Spanish
	Inkvizicion.				Inquisition.
La solvo estas kvardekdu.		The answer is forty-two.
Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so.	So long, and thanks for all the fish.
^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu	Is that a pencil in your pocket,
	vi feli^cas pri vidi min?		or are you happy to see me?
%
Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality
could go either way.
%
Fortune's Guide to Movies:
G:   No girl.
PG:  The hero gets the girl.
R:   The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
X:   The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
	which end it will be.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl.
%
					FROM THE DESK OF
					Snow White

Dear Snow White:

	Thanks for last night.

		Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful
%
Gardeners do it in raised beds.
%
	"Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an extracurricular 
activity except you."
	"Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
	"Only to ten, Mudhead."

			-- Firesign Theater
%
Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen?
		-- Mae West
%
Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.
%
George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to
find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him.  He
leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the
bureau.  He then started to tiptoe out of the room.  But, as he passed the
foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg.  Glancing down, he saw 
another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed.  She gazed up 
at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
%
Girls are like pianos.  When they're not upright, they're grand!
%
Girls who put out are tramps.  Girls who don't are ladies.  This is,
however, a rather archaic use of the word.  Should one of you boys happen
upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you
have found a lady.  What you have probably found is a lesbian.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
%
Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them.
%
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
		-- Mae West
%
Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks, and the movie,
and the rest of the evening is on her.
%
God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter
what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly pleasurable,
wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent merriment.
	Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.  Everyone
agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one.
		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
%
Hackers do it bottom-up.
%
Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
%
Hackers do it with bugs.
%
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
%
Hackers have kernel knowledge.
%
Hackers know all the right MOVs.
%
Hang gliders go down very slowly.
%
	Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
been worse."
	To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no 
hope in it.  Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
"Harry!  Did you hear what happened to George?  He came home last night,
found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
the gun on himself!"
	"Terrible," said Harry.  "But it could have been worse."
	"How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
have been worse?"
	"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
dead right now."
%
	Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg
and afraid that no one would have him.  In fact, he couldn't bring himself
to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger,
nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which
she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
	The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone
in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big
surprise," smiled the bride.
	Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his
leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
	"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the
Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
%
Have you ever tried to tickle yourself?  Everybody has some wacko aunt or
uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter.  But
if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't
laugh.  Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist.  Thank God
other parts of our bodies are dumber.
%
Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
attempts... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
		-- R.E. Masters
%
Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to
satisfy his new 18-year-old wife.  He visited a gypsy woman with magical
powers.
	After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There.
Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection.  Repeating
the phrase will make it disappear.  But remember," she cautioned, "it will
work only three times.  Make use of them wisely."
	As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction.  "Beep-beep,"
he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life.
"Beep-beep", he repeated.  It went away.
	He sped through traffic on his way home.  "Beep-beep," honked a taxi.
The old man gasped as he instantly got hard.
	"Beep-beep," honked a truck.  His erection wilted.
	Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside
and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel.
	"Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes.
"Beep-beep!"
	"Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection.
"What's all this beep-beep shit?"
%
He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
%
He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre.
So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything
unusual for him to try.  "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I
do have one number you might enjoy."  She went on to describe a New Jersey
hen that had been trained to do blow jobs.
	"We've got her here, but only for the day."
	The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went
into a room with a hen.  After a frustrating hour of trying to force his
cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing
but a plain old chicken.  He left.  Thinking about it later, he decided
that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and
asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?"
	"Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group
of men were looking through a one-way mirror.  He saw that they were watching
a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher.
	"Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him.  "This is really
great!"
	The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'!  You shoulda been here
a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!"
%
He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.
%
He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist.
%
He was so ugly hookers used to tell him, "Not on the first date."
%
He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot,
pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
%
He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to
read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact.
%
He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation;
he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out.
%
He:	"If I made love to you, would you yell?"
She:	"What do you want me to yell?"
		-- Benny Hill
%
He:	Do you like Kipling?
She:	Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know!  I've never kippled!
%
Heisenberg may have done it.
%
Hello, children!!
	This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune.
	Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap
	and we can all start.  Comfortable?  Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!!

	One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her
	tumbledown cottage.  He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he
	grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and
	hurriedly ripping off her thin *******.

	Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow.
	He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the
	pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* *******
	of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon.

	Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic
	oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted
	glen down in Dingly Dell.  Here he sold contraceptives, ********
	and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and *****
	the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs.
%
Help!  I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body!
                -- Bisexuality, 101
%
Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her.
%
Hey baby!

How 'bout a brutal face fuck?
%
HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
	Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an
oral contraceptive.  See your family planning clinic today!
%
HEY, KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
	Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks.  Do it right!
Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques
for the teenager".  Be sure to specify the male or female edition.
%
HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN
	Vol. I -- Etiquette

1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, and then
	scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh, yes, YES, BABY!"
2. Washing your partner's back is sexy.  Washing your panty hose is not.
3. Nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience; don't spoil
	it for everyone with a thoughtless remark, such as "My God, I've
	seen bigger wangs on hamsters!"
4. It's O.K. to pass a joint while tubbing.  Don't pass anything else.
5. Don't think you're fooling anybody by passing off your vibrator as a
	toy submarine.
%
How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection?
%
How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers?
Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room.
%
Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the bush, shoot more often
and *always* eat what they shoot.
%
I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
		-- Woody Allen
%
	"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
the phone.  "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
	"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
	"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
%
I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
		-- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
		   a visit to a London veterans hospital
%
I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance.
You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system."  But what's
going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because
you're not insured.  What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on
a Saturday Night?  Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system...
		-- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach.
%
I can understand companionship.  I can understand bought sex in the
afternoon.  I cannot understand the love affair.
		-- Gore Vidal
%
I don't discriminate on the basis of sex.
                -- Bisexuality, 101

        [An equal opportunity lover?  Ed.]
%
"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"
%
"I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his
marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed."
%
I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is one of
nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy.
%
"I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant," sobbed
the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the cows came home."
%
I had a virgin once.  I had to go to Guatemala for her.  She was blind
in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
Beach."
		-- The Stunt Man
%
"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls,"
the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for
the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that
it was enough to make a blown man cry."
%
I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.  Come, let us
take our fill of love until the morning.
		-- Proverbs 7:17-18
%
I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days,
but when I tried it I kept falling off.
%
I only date queers.
                -- Bisexuality, 101

        [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is!  Ed.]
%
"I own my own body, but I share"
%
I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
		-- Marilyn Chambers
%
I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
		-- Shakespeare
%
	"I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
	"Oh, how can you tell?"
	"Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't hear the stereo."
%
I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
that has ever happened, and vice versa.
		-- Frank Zappa
%
"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
%
I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom.
		-- Strange de Jim
%
I want a girl that can swallow my pride.
		-- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess"
%
I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking.
		-- Dudley Moore
%
I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island
by a Greek cab-driver.  He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me
about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with.
	"See the entrance to that church over there?  I built that with my
two sons.  But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'?  Do they hell!"
	As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam?  Four of us built that
dam by ourselves!  But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?'  Hell, no!"
	As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See
that house?  I built that for my wife with my own two hands!  But do they
call me `Dimitri the home builder'?  No!  But just one little sheep!"
%
I went to a wild party last night.  I tell ya, it was so wild, we played
a new version of Russian roulette.  We passed around six girls and one
of them had V.D.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
		-- Tramp, "Lady and the Tramp"
%
I wouldn't fuck her with your prick.
%
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
%
I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump.
%
"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't
doin' too well.  I ain't sold one all month.
	"You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied.  "The other day, I went
out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she
always does.  So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters.  When I sat
down again, she kicked me like she always does.  So I tied her leg to the
side of the stall.  When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking
aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall.  And I'll
tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was
gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
%
I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body!
		-- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived
%
I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows.
		-- Martin Cruz Smith
%
I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
		-- Gore Vidal
%
I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say
"I've just had a good war."
	       -- Mae West
%
I'm going to Iowa for an award.  Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
it's sold out.  Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
	"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
young man to his father as he prepared to leave home.  "Don't try to
stop me. I'm on my way."
	"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father.  "Take me along!"
%
"I'm not against women.  Not often enough, anyway."
		-- NPR
%
I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans....

Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby,
	I'm getting WARM....

I am getting there, oh yes,.  Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH!
	...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!!

Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time,
couldn't you please input a little SLOWER?
%
I've been told that it's far more sensous to have a woman leave something
on rather than being totally nude.  Myself, I've always felt that the lights
were more than enough.
%
I've tried several varieties of sex.  The conventional position makes
me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
		-- Tallulah Bankhead
%
If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a
bit surprised.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
"If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned
showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this
corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out."
		-- S. J. Perelman
%
If being bi increases your chance of getting a date, does being poly
increase your chance of getting dumped?
%
If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
do it through the body of someone you love.  Anytime.  Anywhere.  Without
no middleman.
		-- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
%
If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs.
		-- Malcolm Bradbury
%
If God had wanted people to give blow jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
%
If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it.
		-- Tommy Earl Bruner
%
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to
masturbate.
		-- Diogenes the Cynic
%
If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong.
%
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to?
	-- Bette Midler
%
If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em.

If they can, then fuck 'em.
%
If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out.

If thy dick offends thee, whack it off.
%
If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs.
%
If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
in the whole wide world, don't trust him.  It means he experiments.
%
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position.
%
If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic abstinence and
complete continence.

You know ... 

rhythm and blues.
%
If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written
in Fortran for all you know, at least make sure there's an existing
friendship of some sort to fall back on if things don't work out
like one or the other of you planned.
%
If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
longer be fantasies.
		-- Fran Lebowitz
%
In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're
kissing on every pitch.  He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's
kissing him on the balls.
		-- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster
%
Is sex dirty?  Only if it's done right.
		-- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
%
Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
		-- Mae West
%
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and
it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight
into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
		-- Voltaire
%
It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
%
It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all.
%
It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the general and lust
for its destruction in the particular.
%
It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet.
%
It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury.
Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other
half are doing it.
		-- Winston Churchill
	[Right.  Tell it to Oscar.]
%
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it is one
damn thing over and over.
		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
%
It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning.
You never know who you'll meet later in the day.
%
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue.
		-- Voltaire
%
It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because
if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still.
Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female,
but there's just no way for us to know it.
		-- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep.
%
It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a
very unfortunate place to have it.
		-- Malcolm Muggeridge
%
It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze.
"Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last.  It's all like a wonderful
dream!"
	Her husband didn't answer.  A few moments passed.  She sighed again
and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true."
	Still no response from her spouse.  Another pause and another
sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your
wife."
	"Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied,
you will!"
%
It was his third marriage and her fourth.  He was quite surprised when on
their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
	"Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin?  You've been
married three times."
	"Yes, but they all worked for DEC.  The first was a salesman,
and all he ever did was promise how good it would be.  The second was one
of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself.  And the
third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it
would be up in 15 minutes.
%
It was this guy's first day in the penitentiary; he was in a cell with a
huge burley inmate, and he was pretty nervous.  At lights-out, the inmate
jumped out of his bunk, and, turning to our hero, said, "We're going to
have sex!  You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?"
	A very terrified hero managed to squeak out, "Uh, well, uh, I guess
I'll be the Daddy."
	"OK," smiled his roommate, "get down here and suck your Momma's dick!"
%
It's a question of Napleon brandy versus Ripple.
I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth.
		-- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal
		   of older women versus younger women
%
"It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning
in the wee, small hours.  "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so
soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!"
%
It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
		-- Joan Rivers
%
It's easy to make a friend.  What's hard is to make a stranger.
%
It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying.
%
It's not pretty being easy.
%
It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs.
%
It's the sighs that count.
%
Kamikazes do it once.
%
Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are
sincere.  I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere.  As
for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right.
		-- Margaret Sangor
%
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
%
Lawyers do it to everyone.
%
Let a Field Service Engineer put it in.
%
Lick-a-dee-clit!
%
Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille weren't so damned great!
		-- Armistead Maupin
%
Lisp hackers
	... do it in CARS.
	... do it with tail recursion.
	... first do it in the front, then do it in the back.
	... have DEFUN while doing it.
	... have to be bound to do it.
	... have Moby dicks.
%
Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
%
Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper.
%
Little known facts: the dirtiest words used on television during the
1950's were uttered by June Cleaver.
	"Gee, Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
%
	Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to
visit her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
	"Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you."
	"Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily, "Damn it,
doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
%
Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
%
Love comes in spurts.
	--Devo, "Please Please"
%
Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
%
Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam.
		-- James Thurber
%
Love is eating her even when she's not having her period.
%
Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever.
%
Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant
twang of a bedspring.
		-- S.J. Perelman
%
Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
raises some pretty good questions.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Love is the desire to prostitute oneself.  There is, indeed, no exalted
pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
		-- Charles Baudelaire
%
Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds.
		-- Johnny Rotten
%
Ma Bell runs a baudy house.
%
Make war not sex.  (It's safer.)
%
Many nice things suck.
%
Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
		-- Peter De Vries
%
Marriage is like a bank account.  You put it in, you take it out, you
lose interest.
		-- Professor Irwin Corey
%
Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
	-- Christopher Hampton
%
Masturbation!  The amazing availability of it!
		-- James Joyce
%
Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex.
%
Mathematicians
	... do it in groups.
	... do it in theory.
	... take it to the limit.
%
Mathematicians do it in theory.
%
Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part.
%
Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
described as being n-dimensional.  Like modern sex, any number can play.
		-- James Blish, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time"
%
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
%
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
%
Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates!
%
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but
they jus' kept on a-comin'.  Back at the outhouse, things were a-pilin' up.
And, as the U.S. Fourth Calvary mounted the hill, Tonto, cleverly disguised
as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand.
%
Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that corporations
and other large organizations habitually engage in only becuase they cannot
actually masturbate.
		-- Dave Barry
%
Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which
the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse.  A few days later Mickey meets
with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues:

Sigmund : I talked with Minnie after talking with you.
Mickey  : Oh?
Sigmund : I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane.
Mickey  : Idiot!  I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was
		fuckin' Goofy.
%
Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago.  He was only a few
blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane
tickets on his bureau top.  He returned and quietly entered the house.
His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing
the breakfast dishes.  She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind
her, reached out, and squeezed her breast.
	"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here
for breakfast tomorrow."
%
Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex because
virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs and large
quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little eyes.  So
generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around and around for
hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the female gets really
tired and has a terrible headache, and she just dumps her eggs right on the
sand and swims away.  Then the male, driven by some timeless, noble instinct
for survival, eats the eggs.  So the truth is that fish don't reproduce at
all, but there are so many of them that it doesn't make any difference.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
		   Teen Should Know"
%
Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity
to be otherwise.
		-- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
%
Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some.
%
Moustache rides, 50 cents.
%
Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot.  He had just one
problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens.  Mrs. Johnson scolded him
time and time again, but he would just laugh at her.  Finally, she told him
that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of
his head.  Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just
couldn't resist going next door.  Besides, he figured she was bluffing.
	Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot
had been fucking his chickens again.  Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just
took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers.
	That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house.  Before it
started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front
door.  "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano
tonight.  Now, don't you dare move."
	Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare,
and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano.
Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they
arrived, he would say hello to them.  Just then, two bald-headed men came to
the door.
	Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you
chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!"
%
Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasichism
fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really
understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after
being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out:  I'm in uniform,
they're not.  I'm standing up, they're lying down.  I'm doing painful
things to them for their own good.   This is so ME."
		-- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled:
	           "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat
		    of AIDS, book reveals"
%
My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards.
%
	"My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a
barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!"
	"Not in California."
%
My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall
and they stick.
		-- Johnny Bob
%
	"My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
a girl should not do before twenty."
	"Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
audience, either."
%
My mother-in-law broke up my marriage.  One day my wife came home early from
work and found us in bed together.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
My mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret
vice, or self-abuse, among the young.  Why hesitate to say firmly and without
quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness,
paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire community?
		-- Dr. J.H. Kellogg, "The Ladies Guide", Modern Medicine
		   Publishing Company, 1895.  Dr. Kellogg helped invent
		   corn flakes and peanut butter.  In addition to denouncing
		   masturbation, he believed that smoking caused cancer and
		   that certain ailments could be cured by rolling a
		   cannonball on the stomach.
%
My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I
want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want
to screw again as long as I live.
		-- Erica Jong
%
My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
reason to limit myself.
		-- Emo Philips
%
My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine.
%
My wife and I only smoke after sex.  I've had the same pack since 1967.
She's up to three packs a day.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf.
%
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.  Watch who you sleep with.
%
Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
you.  He doesn't know.  Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you.  She doesn't know.  Never ask how many
cigarettes your lover has smoked today.  Cancer is a personal committment.
	Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
the ones who dived in front of trains.  If you look like one of them, you are
repeating history's mistakes.  If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
in the others.
	While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui.  Don't ask who took
it.  The answer is obvious.  A Japanese tourist took the picture.
	Never ask if your lover has had therapy.  Only people who have had
therapy ask if people have had therapy.
	Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
Assume that she bought them at a flea  market.
		-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
%
Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds.
%
NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:

"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on
a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
promptly to avoid extended waits.  (We are still awaiting shipment of
our "Big John" doll.)
%
Newlywed groom:
	Honey, I have something to confess to you.  I'm a golfer.
	You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights,
	and weekends.  I'm sorry.
Newlywed bride:
	I have something even worse to confess, dear.  I'm a hooker.
Groom:
	Oh, honey, that's no problem!  Just keep your head low and follow
	through...
%
Nice computers don't go down.
%
Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women.
%
No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
with her.  The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
But he is dead.  So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
in the afternoons.
		-- Salvador Dali
%
Not everyone has a one-track mind.
		-- From a Bisexuality 101 talk
%
Nothing is better than Sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
%
Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and
occasionally has problems with folks harrassing her.  She came up
with this in response to one...

	Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing.
	When fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was
	bisexual, but that he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't
	meet either of my standards.  But if it makes you feel more
	comfortable, I said, my husband tied me to the bedposts this
	morning and screwed the daylights out of me.

	"Just think," said

	Nurse Jones,
	 "... that was four
	   hours ago and
	    my sperm count
	     is probably *still*
	      higher than yours."
%
Nybble me...  Byte me...  Unsigned long int me...
%
Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly
exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London.  Ms. London is the
author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter,"
"A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming of all, "Gypsy
Heiress".  Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found on every page, to
an extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so, in order to save
himself extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb:

	"Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate
ship.  No one, that is, but the pirates.  Yet there she was, Merry Wilding
-- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England,
spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"...
There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome,
sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon."
%
Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex.
The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.
%
Oh John, let's not park here.
Oh John, let's not park.
Oh John, let's not.
Oh John, let's.
Oh John.
Oh.
%
Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.
		-- Don Herold
%
Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch.
%
Once upon a girl there was a time...
%
Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his
two cows.  He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to
observe and report any success.  A short time later, little Johnny came
running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the
white cow!"
	The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's
alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is
going to be visiting soon.  So next time, please use another word; just
say that the bull "surprised" the cow."
	Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress.  A little
while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny
came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!"
	The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I
know, the bull surprised the brown cow."
	Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!"
%
Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and
made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company.  The farmer
wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster.
"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best.  He's virile and energetic 
and will take care of all your chickens!"  The farmer, delighted at this, 
bought the rooster and returned to his farm.  He set the rooster loose among 
his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work. 
It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and 
began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm.  "If you keep up this 
rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!"  The rooster, 
however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed.  The next 
morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in 
the sky circling over something.  He headed out behind the barn, and sure 
enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed.  The farmer 
shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it!  I told 
you so!  I knew you'd screw yourself to death!"  The rooster turned his head 
toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked.  "Shhh!" he said, pointing to 
the birds above.  "I think they're coming down."
%
Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood.  One
fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked
cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest.  When
she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who
jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes
down."
	So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no,
you're not!  You're going to eat me just like the story says!"
%
Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley.  He'd do pushups and
somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around
on their fat asses not doing a thing.  One day, one of them became curious
enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day.  Stanley said,
	"Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right
time comes, I am going to be that one."
A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they
knew that it was getting to be their time to go.  They were released abruptly
and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others.
All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with
all his might.
	"Go back! Go back!" he screamed.  "It's a blow job!"
%
Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed,
and a little, tiny coed.  One night they came home from a dance, and the big
coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
	The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been 
sleeping in my bed!"
	And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!"
%
Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke, the rest of life
is that much easier.
%
One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the
boss's office.  Then the junior executives were individually summoned.
Finally the office boy was brought in.
	"I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed.  "Have you been
playing around with my secretary?"
	"N-no, sir," the office boy stammered.  "I-I'd never do anything
like that, sir."
	"All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her."
%
One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country.  He hopped
into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited
to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country.  After awhile,
he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields.  The funny thing was,
the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants.  The man got out of his car
and approached the farmer.
	"Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?"
	Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin'
in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt.  Got back to th' house
that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board.  This here's
mah wife's idea."
%
	One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community
and they see a stallion mounting a mare.  The daughter takes in the scene and
turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?"
	Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the
one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable."
	The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the
way it goes?  Try to help someone and you get fucked."
%
One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all
the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female.  He also noted that
they seemed to enjoy being together a lot.  So, he went to his special
place and reported to God what he'd noticed.
	God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me
to provide you with a mate.  Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I
will create your mate."
	So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell
asleep.  Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his
ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him.  Remembering
the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her.
Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place.
	"God?"
	"Yes, Adam, what now?"
	"God, what's a headache?"
%
One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an
enchanting scene.  A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue
eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable
little dog.
	What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself.  Walking over,
he asked, "Child, what is your name?"
	"Blossom," she replied.
	"What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley.  "And how did your
parents come to choose such a pretty name?"
	"Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying
under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach.  She
thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my
name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly.
	How charming, thought the priest.  He started to say good-bye and
walk away, then turned back.  "And the name of your little dog?" he
inquired.
	"Porky," was the child's reply.
	Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen.
	"Because he likes to fuck pigs."
%
"One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
gorgeous blond chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said 'Hi,' and she
said 'Hi,' and then I said 'Nice day, isn't it,' and she said 'Yeah, I
guess'... I said 'What do you mean "you guess"?'... she said 'I saw my
analyst today and he says I have a problem.'... so I asked 'What's the
problem?'... she replied 'I can't tell you, I don't even know you.'...
I said 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect
stranger on a bus.'  So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac
and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane.'  I said,
'Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein.'"
		-- Steven Wright
%
One hundred and one uses for canned peaches.
One hundred and two if you plan to eat them.
%
One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream.
%
One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke
and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever
seen.  As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw
another woman even less appealing than the first.  Seeing his look of
wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped,  "Don't look at me
like that, I was only the bridesmaid."
%
One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to
seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge.  He picked up Milli-Amp
and took her for a ride on his Megacycle.  They rode across the Wheatstone
bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
flowing current.  Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's charactaristic curves,
soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum.  He laid
her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt.
Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled:  "OHM-OHM-OHM."
	With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with
his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly
discharged and drained of every electron.  They Fluxed all night trying
various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost
all of its field strength.
	Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction  and  damaged  her
solenoids.  With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to
excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing
each others fuses.
		-- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
%
One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
visiting the zoo, desided to have a little fun with the Gorilla.  She walks
up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast.  Needless to
say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
	The gorilla becomes enraged.  He rips the bars from his cage, grabs
the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her.  While doing so,
he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person.
	Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims,
"Oh, you poor dear...!  Are you hurt?"
	"Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone.  He
never writes..."
%
One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives
accompanying their husbands on business trips.  Anticipating some valuable
testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to
all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they
enjoyed their trip.  Responses are still pouring in asking,
	"What trip?"
%
One of the most expensive things in life is a girl who is free for the evening.
%
One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in.
He was good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the
following Sunday.
	"9:30 okay?"
	"Fine," George said, "but I may be a few minutes late."
The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that, he played
left-handed and beat them.  They agreed to meet the following Sunday morning.
George was eager to come, but again, mentioned that he might be a few minutes
late.  The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he
played right-handed and beat them again.
	"You on for next Sunday, George?" one of the foursome asked.
	"Sure," George replied, "but I might be a few..."
	Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you might
be late, but you're always right on time, and you always win, left-handed
*or* right-handed."
	"Well," George replied, rather sheepishly, "that's true, but see, I'm
superstitious.  If my wife is sleeping on her right, when I wake up, I play
right handed.  If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed."
	"What if she's lying on her back?"
	George said, "That's when I'm late."
%
	One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY.  So he took his Miss
HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
there began to feel her MOUNDS.  And that was an ALMOND JOY which definately
made his TOOSIE ROLL.
	He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
which of course caused the MILKY WAY.  She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3
MUSKETEERS."
		-- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem"
%
One should be cherry of virgins.
%
One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were
sitting out on the porch, talking.  Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out
of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there
worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars."
	"Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house.  Out he runs an
instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with
the hairspray as it dangles earthward.  He then slips the stiff worm back
into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face.
	"Well, I'll be.  That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says.
"Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill.  By then it's almost
dark, and they say their goodnights and part.
	The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes
out of the house and gives him a five.  "But you gave me my five yesterday,
grandpa.", he remarks.
	"Yep, I know.  This is from your Grandma."
%
Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonight!!
%
Ooops.  Gotta run.  My dog wants sex.  Later.
%
Operators mount anything!
%
Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
		-- Germaine Greer
%
Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you
cash them in.
%
Ouch!  That felt good!
		-- Karen Gordon
%
	"Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the
science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by
some concrete example."
	Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated."
	"It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through
a choice of the wrong example.  But the axiom is no less true."
	"Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in
the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean."
	"Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible
to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --"
	"Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete
example.  And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of
course arise from a choice of the wrong example."
		-- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen"
%
Painters do it with even strokes.
%
Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to bite a woman's neck
because she has beautiful legs.
%
Pee-wee Recommends:

When Pee-wee Herman was arrested that evening in Sarasota, Florida,
the bill at the XXX South Trail Cinema featured:

	+ Nurse Nancy, starring Sandra Scream
	+ Turn Up the Heat, starring Savannah
	+ Tiger Shark, starring Raven
%
People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement.
%
Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to put
on a pedestal and worship.  As he grows up, of course, he will put her on
a pedestal the better to view her legs.
		-- Barry Norman, in "The Listener"
%
Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love.
%
Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
		-- Karl Marx
%
Physicists do it with charm.
%
Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when
he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay.
%
Politicians do it to everyone.
%
Postulate #1:	Nothing is better than sex.
Postulate #2:	Masturbation is better than nothing.
Conclusion:	Masturbation is better than sex.
%
Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis,
Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home.  "My wife and
I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart.  "I hate to admit
it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy."
	"Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it.  Let me
give you some advice.  At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn
all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room.  Next, tell
your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the
bottom window."
	"Then what do I do?" asked Brad.
	"Just whistle."
	"Whistle?"
	"That's right.  I'll be waiting outside the window.  When I hear
you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job."
%
Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all.
%
Pregnancy begins with a single sell.
%
Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
%
Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
orgasms?  The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which is
why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
		   Teen Should Know"
%
Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
%
Programmers do it bit by bit.
%
Programmers do it until it goes down.
%
Programmers get overlaid.
%
Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
still come out ahead.
%
Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest.  They both
promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't make
pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks out the door.
%
Ralph:	Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy.
Lisa:	Ralph... get off my back!!
%
Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number of Clydesdales it would take
to pull you off her.
%
Reach out and fuck someone.
%
Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls?  Only
sissies liked girls?  What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
changed.  You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow
out of it.  We just grow horny.  That's the problem.  We mix up liking
pussy for liking girls.  Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with
the other.
		-- Jules Feiffer
%
Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
		-- Frank Zappa
%
Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime, champagne is the best tenderizer.
%
Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head.
	"What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender.
	"Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw
someone had scribbled `Wendy gives really fabulous head; absolutely the best
blow job in the world!' on the wall."
	"Ahh, hell," said the bartender.  "Don't give it a second thought,
we get jerks in here like anywhere else."
	"I know," snarled the headshaker. "One of them scratched out the
phone number!"
%
Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife.  Sweet revenge is the realization
that she's a lousy lay.
%
Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals.
%
Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ.
%
Runners do it alone.
%
Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
has been waiting for him.  Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"
	The girl, and she's not so little, tells him.  Well, Santa is
definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho,
gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
	The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe.  "Aw, please stay
Santa," she begs.
	He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys,
you know."
	She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing
at Santa like an accusation.  "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads.
	"Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
	Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her
warm mound of delight.  "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs.
	Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey,
gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
%
Satyrs have more faun.
%
Save a forest - eat a beaver!
%
Save a mouse, eat a pussy!
%
"Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided her
date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you."
%
Seems like there were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing
the other suspiciously.  One of them turns to the other.
	"What are you here for?" he asks.
	"Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day,
and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it,
but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand."
	"Yeah, I now what you mean.  So, what are you here for?"
	"Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going
to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*."
	"Oh.  Well, I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog.
	Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
	"So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"
	"Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.
	"Go on, I told you, it *can't* be as bad!"
	"OK.  Well, it's like this.  The bitch next door was in heat, and so
I was feeling, you know, a bit randy.  Then Mistress came into the kitchen
wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over.  I just couldn't
resist it!" admitted the dog.
	"Oh!  So you're here for the operation too!"
	"No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
%
Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar.  After assiduously
pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's
a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian.  Confused, he asks
her what that means.
	"Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?"
	"Yeah..."
	"I'd like to walk over to her, and unbottom her blouse."
	"Yeah..."
	"And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and
then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..."
	"Right!  Right!" interrupts the guy.  "I think I'm a lesbian too!"
%
Seems there was this traveling salesman who wandered into a brothel and
asked the madam for a woman who would give him the absolutely worst blow-job
imaginable.  Not horny, just homesick.
%
Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil
he just spots a glimmer of her face.  Gorgeous!  She moves, and her vestments
cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body.  The guy gets more and
more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please
believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you.
Could we maybe talk?"
	The nun almost runs off the bus.  As the young man's stop comes up,
the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun.  The man
starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him.  "No, don't apologize,
I was checking her out myself.  Listen, you see where she got on?  She goes
there every day, to a little park.  Why don't you meet here there?"
	Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun
in a secluded grove of trees.  He approaches her, and she seems, although shy,
much more willing to talk.  After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if
she'd be willing to make love with him.  She blushes, smiles, blushes again
and says "yes".  But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would
have to be the "back door".
	As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt;
panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying
you on the bus yesterday.
	Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay.  I'm not really a nun.  I'm
actually the bus driver."
%
Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
Joy.  But she sidestepped, and they missed.
%
Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave.
		-- Dr. George M. Calhoun, 1855
%
Sex and drugs and UNIX.
%
Sex and mathematics have one thing in common.  You can do each while thinking
about the other.
%
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
		-- Sophia Loren
%
Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
%
Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
		-- Lewis Grizzard
%
Sex is a biological function; kissing is a committment.
%
Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
%
Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich.  But a cheese sandwich,
if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
		-- Ian Dury
%
Sex is an emotion in motion.
		-- Mae West
%
"Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
for diet Coke."
		-- Malcolm DacDougall
%
Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher.
%
Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right.
%
Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
		-- Garrison Keillor
%
Sex is just one damp thing after another.
%
Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
%
Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
it's still darn tasty!
%
Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste!
%
Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
%
Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
		-- Swami X
%
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight
are unimportant.
		-- Henry Miller
%
Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
		-- M.C. Reed
%
Sex is the poor man's opera.
		-- G.B. Shaw
%
Sex is what women have and men want.
%
Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
repeated until infinity.
		-- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
		   Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
		   1973.
%
Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
it's one of the best.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate.
%
Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
how children do not come into the world.
		-- Karl Kraus
%
She asked me if I loved her still.  "Yes," I replied.  "I've never had
you any other way."
%
She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed.
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together.
%
She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
%
She was only:
	a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine.
	a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
	a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box.
	a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
	a chimney sweep's daughter, but she sure knew how to haul ash.
	a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm.
	a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash.
%
She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth
Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg.  She reached back and
unzipped her zipper.  It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back
and unzipped it again.  Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put
her on the top step.
	"How dare you?" she demanded.
	"Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the
second time I thought we'd become good friends."
%
She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down.
%
She's looking for:	He's looking for:	Foreplay:
1957			Someone who'll go	Her: Finding a place to put
Mr. Nice Guy		all the way		     her gum
						Him: Wondering which word would
						     best describe her breasts
						     to the guys

1967			Someone who's got	The first ten minutes
Mr. Natural		rolling papers and	of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"
			will go all the way

1977			Someone who'll go	Testing the batteries
Mr. Goodbar		all the way in leg
			warmers and a leather
			face mask

1987			Someone who's never	Examination of the genitalia
Mr. Clean		gone all the way in	under the magnifying glass
			San Francisco		that Grandma used for needle-
						point before she passed away
		-- Michael Corcoran, "National Lampoon", October 1987
%
She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with.
%
"Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of coffee?"

"Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!",
answered the gentleman, rather shortly.

"I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny."
%
Sixteen'll get you twenty.
%
So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the
lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape.  Inflation
has eaten up our Social Security check.  The next one isn't due for a week
and we've got no money left for food."
	"Could I do anything to help?" she asked.
	"Yes," he said.  "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way.
You're going to have to go out and hustle."
	"Me?" she asked.  "At the age of sixty-five?"
	"It's the only way," he said.
Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night.  She came
staggering in early the next morning.
	"How did you do?" asked the husband.
	"Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents."
	"Four dollars and ten cents," he said .  "Who gave you the ten cents?"
	"Everybody," she said.
%
So, how's your love life?  Still holding your own?
%
So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive", and you're still
drinking ordinary scotch?
%
Sodomy is a pain in the ass.
%
Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor,
unassisted.
		-- Wilson Mizner
%
Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them.
%
Some women are like musical glasses.  To keep them in tune they must be wet.
		-- Samuel Coleridge
%
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
%
Statisticians probably do it.
%
Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!!
%
Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life.  People know that if
you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
%
Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface.
%
Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep.  And, like the old Basque
sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you,
it's time to spend a night in town.
%
Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting!
%
Test makers do it:
	A: sometimes
	B: always
	C: never
	D: none of the above.
%
That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper.
%
That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan
pipeline.  Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt.  When
he got back, he was a husky fucker.
%
	"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
	"How do you know?" the friend asked.
	"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
	"So?"
	"So, she's a liar.  I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
%
That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
		-- Woody Allen, on sex
%
The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules
of her particular order.  The indoctrination period, which went on for hours,
began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at
nine.  Candles out at ten."
%
The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar.
%
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
to heterosexuals.  That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
It's just that they need more supervision.
%
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that
sex for money usually costs a lot less.
		-- Brendan Francis
%
The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as
they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said,
	"Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have
any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
	"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
%
The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered.
		-- Sidney J. Hurtubise
%
The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I?
%
The country girl who became a city madam has obviously gone from rags to rigids.
%
The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball is that you can
only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
%
The difference between her and the Titanic is that only 1100 men went down
on the Titanic.
%
The difference between like and love is the same as the difference between
a spit and a swallow.
%
The difference between women and girls is as much as twenty years,
in some states.
%
The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough physical
examination.  "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, "is give up
drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women."

"Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient.  "What's second best?"
%
The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into
the bedroom.
		-- Richard Lewis
%
The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick,
black smoke over the street.  At last the blaze was under control and the
fire chief began accounting for his men.  Two were missing, so he ordered
a search.  Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley
and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a
garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass.
	"What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared.
	"Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on
top panted.
	"You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!"
the captain yelled.
	"I know.  That's what started this," the fireman replied.
%
The fucking ain't worth the fighting.
%
The girls that go to see a man's etchings may not know art ...

but they know what they like!
%
The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives.  He had cured
their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England.
He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this
particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the
doctor's hut.  "You live among my people long time now," said the chief.
"You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before
marriage and we believe what you say.  This morning white child born to
woman in village.  You only white man in jungle.  What I tell my people?"
	The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window.  "My son," he said,
"I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the
phenomenon known as an albino.  But look at the flock of sheep upon that
hill.  Every one is snow white except one.  The white baby born to the
woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep
in the white flock.  It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents."
	The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc,"
he said.  "You no tell -- I no tell."
%
The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant.
%
The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.
		-- Truman Capote
%
The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble:

-- The morning after note reads:
	Whiting, Barbara:
	I enjoyed last night.  We really interfaced.  You looked so cute
	I wanted to byte your ear.
-- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam.
-- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior.
-- The last straw:
	Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new
	program and shows up an hour late.

	You Don't...:
		Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy.
	You Do...:
		Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily
		indicate a malfunction.
%
The harder they come, the more important it is to have an extra-firm mattress.
%
The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the
outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately
the beat of Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys.  Unless these contractions
occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for
mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics.
		-- John Hughes, National Lampoon
%
The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink.
%
	The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a
particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment.
	"Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but
was it you I made love to in the library last night?"
	His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what time?"
%
The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him
and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his
lovemaking.
	"Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he
was advised.  "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet --
even if it's right inside the front door."
	At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the
husband had followed his instructions.  "And how did she react this time?"
the consultant asked.
	"Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still
sort of indifferent.  But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went
absolutely wild!"
%
The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a
day early and would be home on Thursday.  When he walked into his apartment,
however, he found his wife in bed with another man.  Furious,he picked up his
bag and stormed out.  He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what
had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning.
	"Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action,"
the older woman pleaded.  Reluctantly, he agreed.
	An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club.
"I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph
in her voice.  "She didn't receive your telegram!"
%
The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No
Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to pull it out
at the last minute.
		-- Not the Nine O'Clock News
%
The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite
two great kingdoms.  Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each
other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full
account of the wedding night's progress.
	"It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince
entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my
honor.'  Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.'
And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer.
%
The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population)
is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small
town in which virtually everyone is gay.  In 1976, a group of about 100
gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a
majority on the town council.  Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts
soon followed.  "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court
has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our
anti-straight laws are equally valid."  Rigorous enforcement of those laws
has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay.  Said one long-time
resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't
want to give up sex either.  Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and
said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his
wife.  Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
Fact is, I rather like it."
%
The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what
they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father.
	That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were
making love.  Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you
a baby brother."
	"Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a
puppy."
%
	The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package
containing two recently deceased monkeys.  Her instructions to the proprietor
were delivered in a welter of tears.
	"Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)...  Don't
see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed...
(blubber,blubber)!"
	"Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice,
"and would you care to have them mounted?"
	"Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands.  They were just close friends."
%
The man and woman make love, attain climax, fall separate.  Then she
whispers, "I'll tell you who I was thinking of if you tell me who you
were thinking of."  Like most sex jokes the origins of the pleasant
exchange are obscure.  But whatever the source, it seldom fails to evoke
a certain awful recognition.
		-- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books"
%
The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
%
The most pressing issue facing women today is finding a contraceptive
jelly that smells like a fresh fruit salad.
%
The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was "Are you sure
you're not a cop?"
		-- Larry Brown
%
The most unfair thing about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) is
that the guys who bought vasectomies have to wear condoms anyway.
%
The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their
virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which you
win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to stimulate in
order to make sex interesting.  The real lover is the man who can thrill
you by just touching your head or smiling into your eyes -- or just by
staring into space.
		-- Marilyn Monroe
%
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on
their wedding night and reprimanded him severly.
	"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at
the dinner table."
	Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair
and climbed quietly between the sheets.  "Is that better?" he asked, with a
hint of a smile.
	"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
	"Very good, darling," the husband whispered.  "Now would you
be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
%
	The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of
the week.  As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at
the door.  "Please come in!  We're very grateful for your years of service to
us and our neighborhood.  I've prepared something special for you."
 	In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where
Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch.  After dumping his letter satchel
on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal.  As the mailman finished
his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from
leaving and disappears upstairs.  She returns in a moment, in a daring
negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate
farewell is consummated between the sheets.
 	As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand,
pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him.  Reacting to his astonished
look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that
we should do something for you.  He said 'Fuck him.  Give him a dollar!'"
She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea."
%
The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is that a
doorknob warms up when you hold it.
%
The only people who make love all the time are liars.
		-- Louis Jordan
%
The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is that there's
nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it.
%
The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her if she is pretty
and to someone else if she is plain.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the catch to
the diskette reader.  Uncontrollably, she reached down, guiding the
sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot. The floppy diskette
nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of her hand, until finally she
could control it no longer, her right hand instinctively taking an option
zero.  And then it all came at once, thousands upon thousands of data
bits flowing from diskette to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as
the helpless legs of the 32 strained to remain on the floor.
%
	The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the
way there, we got a flat tire.  We got out of the car and I pumped, she
jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the
tire.  Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was
jumping for joy.  What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier!
Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating
candy.  Everybody else started feeling merry.  Those have got to be the three
wildest girls I know.
%
The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
%
	The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man.
	"What is the meaning of this?" he demanded.  "Who is this fellow?"
	"That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over.
"What IS your name?"
%
The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France
on a buying trip.  As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an
acquaintance with a beautiful young lady.  However, she only spoke
French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word
the other spoke.  He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a
picture of a taxi.  She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a
ride in the park.  Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner.  After
dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted.  They went to
several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
evening.  It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and
drew a picture of a four-poster bed.  He was dumbfounded, and has never
be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
%
The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend.  Finally she asked,
	"Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
	"Gosh, no!" he replied.  "I hate hospitals."
%
The penis mightier than the sword.
%
The pleasure is momentary,
The position ridiculous,
The expense damnable.
		-- Chesterfield, on sex
%
The pleasure is transitory, the cost prohibitive, and the position ridiculous.
		-- Disraeli, on sex
%
The plural of spouse is spice.
		-- R.A. Heinlein
%
The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent
businessman who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office.  His
voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action
but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started
working for him a month ago.
	"After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a
twenty-dollar raise.  At the end of the second week he called me into his
private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon
stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.' At
the end of the third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole.  Then, this
afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with
this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I would consider making
love to him and what it would cost. I told him I would, and because he
had been so nice to me, he could have it for five dollars, although I was
charging all the other boys in the office ten dollars.  That's when he
jumped out the window."
%
The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a chance
to prove it.
%
The quality of a blow-job is determined by the length of sheet you have to
pull out of your ass.
%
The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around
in front every time you want to kiss her.
%
The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because
they can't masturbate.
%
The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
		-- Don Rose
%
The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located.
%
The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
of a Dodge Dart.
		-- Lisa Alther
%
The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR.
%
The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date.  He was
certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others.
	"Some moon out tonight,"he cooed.
	"There certainly is," she agreed.
	"Some really bright stars in the sky."
	She nodded.
	"Some dew on the grass."
	"Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort."
%
The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a dishonorable
discharge.  Without missing a beat, I said...
	"It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
%
The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth.
		-- Diana Rigg
%
The sex was nice, but confusing.  The whole situation kept going di-polar
on Sta-Hi.  One instant Misty would seem like a lovely warm girl who'd
survived a terrible injury, like a lost puppy to be stroked, a lonely
woman to be husbanded.  But then he'd start thinking of the wires behind
her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public
toilet.  Just like with any other woman for him, really.
		-- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
%
The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his
doctor that his marriage was still in name only.  The doctor, after hearing
the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing
psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he
felt in the mood.  A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again,
and noticed a new spring in his step.  "My advice worked, I take it?" he
inquired.
	The young man grinned.  "Perfectly.  The other night, we were having
supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she!  Our hands touched... It
was as if an electric current ran through us.  I leaped to my feet, swept the
dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage!  There's 
just one problem, however.  We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..."
%
The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it like that of wrestling
with a fine woman.
		-- Lord Halifax
%
The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
%
The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most
amount of trouble is sex.
	[Obviously written by a man--if it's causing so much trouble,
	 *take* *more* *time*!]
%
The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman.
%
The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker.
%
The three sexual positions during preganancy.

During the first four months:	Missionary style
During the second four months:	Doggie style
And during the last month:	Coyote style

Coyote style?
	You sit by the hole and howl.
%
The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
		-- George S. Kaufman
%
The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel.  They
were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut
off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms.
Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion,
he said his prayers.  As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly
flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room.
He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway.  "It's too late,
called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray."
%
The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took
great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions.
This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar.
The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration,
ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed,
	"By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!"
The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted,
	"Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!"
%
The two things that you should never lend out are your car or your woman.
Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one.
%
The very proper spinster didn't go out very often, but she had some important
shopping to do that morning and so decided to have her lunch in what appeared
to be a nice quiet respectable restaurant.  With the noontime crowd, many
customers shared their tables with strangers; the spinster selected a seat
next to an attractive, young office girl.  The girl finished her sandwich and
coffee, then settled back and lit up a cigarette.  The older woman controlled
herself for a few moments and then snapped,
	"I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public."
	"So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch."
%
	The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
	Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.

A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever.  The way marriage
should be but never quite is.  People grow and change and sometimes want to
take their clothes off with strangers.  So when you invest in a fine piece
of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
statement.  You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
of your hard-earned money on her.  Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
only precious jewelry can buy.  Isn't she worth it?

	The Honeymoon's Over:			from $ 5000
	The Seven Year Itch:			from $10000
	No More Lunchtime Quickies:		from $15000
	Divorce Would Be More Expensive:	from $42000

			A diamond is for leverage.  BeDears
%
The way to a man's heart is through his wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
		-- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
%
The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
medical report she had just received.  When her husband came in from work,
she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
live.  So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
throughout the night.  How does that sound, dearest?"
	"Hey, that's fine for ___you," replied the husband.  "You don't have
to get up in the morning!"
%
The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
first visit home since starting college.
	"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed.  "I lost my virginity
last weekend."
	"I'm not suprised," said her mother.  "It was bound to happen sooner
or later.  I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
	"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.  "The first eight
guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
%
	The young man took a blind date to the amusement park.  They went
for a ride on the Ferris wheel.  The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
	"I wanna get weighed," she said.  So he took her over to the weight
guesser.  Next they rode the roller coaster.  After that he bought her some
popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
	"I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly.
	I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and
using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's
wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
	"Wousy," said the girl.
%
The young stud walked into a bordello.  After he took his clothes off, the
woman was puzzled to see him put a clothespin on his nose, stuff cotton in
his ears, and put a prophylactic on his penis.
	"Hey," she asked, "what the hell are you doing?"
	"Well, ma'am", replied the stud, "there are two things I just can't
stand.  A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber."
%
Then there was the girl who was engaged to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off.
%
Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting for his girl's honor.
It seems she wanted to keep it.
%
Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris.
After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged
for a day off to rest and got it.  With the wife gone shopping again, he
went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne.  They got on
well until the question of money came up.  She wanted a hundred American
dollars; he offered fifty.  They couldn't get together on the price; so
they didn't get together.  That evening he escorted his wife to one of the
nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous
babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door.
	"See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her.  "Look what you got
for your lousy fifty bucks."
%
There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire.
%
There are many ways to say "I love you", but fucking is the fastest.
%
There are so many people wanting a piece of my ass that some of them
are having to take turns.
		-- T.K.
%
There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism.  They go
and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain
from sex for thirty days.
	Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest.  He asks
the first couple if they passed the test.
	"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
	"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter
the Church."  Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
	"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine
until the 27th day.  My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and
I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on.  I couldn't
stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it
to her right there."
	"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows.  "I can never let you into
the Church after something like that."
	"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us
into Safeway anymore either."
%
There are two trees in the forest.  They are very proud trees.  One day
they notice a sapling half-way between them.
	One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!"
	"No, that is a son of a birch!" insists the other.
	"A son of a BEECH!"
	"A son of a BIRCH!"
	"Son of a beech!"
	"Son of a birch!"

The fighting attracts a woodpecker who informs them that he can tell what
kind of tree the sapling is by its taste.  First he tastes the beech and
the birch.  Then he tastes the sapling.  "Well now, is that a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech.
	"You're both wrong!" says the bird.  "That's the best piece of ash
I've had my pecker in for a long time!"
%
There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a woman's breasts.
One is not enough and three are too many.
%
There is nothing as overrated as a bad lay, or as underrated as a great shit.
%
There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight.  Boring your friends
about it is the sin.
		-- Mama Liz
%
There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
%
There was once a newly-married couple.  Now these two lovers were, well,
rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on",
or "boffing the brains out".  So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing
the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up. 
	One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry 
tonite?", and she consented.  The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie, 
feel like doing some laundry tonite?"  Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood, 
but complied.  On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to 
participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not 
in the mood for doing any laundry tonite."
	Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom 
and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead.  Upon returning to the living
room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing
some laundry?"  To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small
load!" 
%
There was something about her I liked, but I couldn't put my finger on it.
%
There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
		-- Lily Tomlin
%
There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past.  He buys me
a brandy...  Could it be he's really just after my ass?
		-- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends"
%
There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip.
%
There's nothing better than good sex.  But bad sex?  A peanut butter
and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
		-- Billy Joel
%
There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
		-- David Mairowitz
%
These two project managers were walking through a residential area
one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its
cock.  (Why do dogs do that?  Because they can).  Anyway, the first manager
nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that!  That really looks like fun
-- I wish I could do that!"
	Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried
it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
%
They watched the sun slowly sink behind the hills, and the fiery glow on
the lake fade into darkness. He eyed her shadowy figure, accentuated by
the moonlight, as the tension from within began to fuel his animalistic
desires. She followed him, ever so quietly, as they sought a secluded
corner in the barn.  Alone!  At last.  His hands roamed about her soft
back, around to her thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples.
Oh, how smooth and succulent she was!  "Was it so wrong?", he asked
himself.  No, he thought, for his father had done it, as did his own
father, ad infinitum.  The boiling, uncontrollable rage within him became
unbearable.  She signalled her eagerness, spreading her legs, as he
grasped her nipples again.  Stroking, again and again, longer each time.
It began coming; again, again, again, again.  His mind raced with fear
"Will it stop?".  Exhausted, he lay down beside her. "Dear God, what have
I done?".  Suddenly, his father burst in.  His eyes burned as he stared
for what seemed an eternity.  Finally, his father spoke.
	"Son, you ain't supposed to milk the damn cow till mornin'!"
%
This guy was screwing his neighbors wife when a car pulls into the drive.
"My husband!" she screams.  He panics and jumps out the window. He finds
himself on the street, naked, under cloudy skies. There is no place to hide
except in a crowd of joggers.  As he runs along, a woman looks over and says,
	"Do you always jog in the nude?"
	"Yes ma'am!" he replies.
	"Does it always result in that kind of sexual excitement?" she asks.
	"Yes ma'am!" he replies.
	"Do you always wear a condom?"
	"Only when it rains, lady.  Only when it rains."
%
This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
actual emergency, you would have known it!
%
This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore.
%
This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00.
%
Thou shalt not omit adultery.
%
Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would
be.  The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending
over in their tight pants.
	"Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy.  "Those skimpy little
costumes, and think of the holds."
	"Definitely baseball," says the third guy.  "Why?  Well, I'd be
pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper
right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys
rounded the bases.  Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming,
`Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -- recognition!"
%
Three minutes of serious sex and I need eight hours of sleep and
a bowl of Wheaties.
		-- Richard Pryor
%
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard.  When it rains,
however, the laundry always gets wet.  All the laundry, that is, except
for Laurie's.  Laurie never seems to have her laundry out when it rains.
	So, one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes
on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come when it
never rains when you have your laundry out?"
	"Well," replies Laurie, "when I wake up in the morning, I check out
my husband Paul.  If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's
going to be a great day.  If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know
it might rain.  I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!"
	"Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman.
	"Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry."
%
Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the 
better universities.  During a lecture the professor stated that he was 
going to test their ability at situation reasoning.
	"Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft
alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several
sex-starved sailors on board.  What would you do in this situation to avoid
the problem?"
	"I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and
flee," said the first girl.
	"I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded
the second woman.
	"Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation,
but I fail to see the problem."
%
Through a major bureaucratic error, you are made county coroner.
You seriously consider the job because it gives you:

	1: Lots of unclaimed wedding rings and watches.
	2: Lots of gold fillings and bridges.
	3: Free blood.
	4: A constantly changing array of new friends who aren't at
	   all stuffy about what happens to their genitalia.
%
To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
%
To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs.
%
To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and
then somehow get her clothes back on her.  Finally, so she will allow you
to leave her, you've got to annoy her.
		-- Jean Giraudoux, "Amphitryon 38"
%
Tri Delts; everyone else has.
%
Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally 
ran out.  "I have an idea," croaked Al.  "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow
shum money from my wife."
	The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light, 
and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man.
This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to 
affect the husband.
	"Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban'?" he
asked.
	"Yes, yes," she snapped.  "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
	Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's 
enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me.  Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
	"But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
	"The hell with him," replied Al.  "Let him buy his own pint."
%
Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about 
their troubles.  "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
has cut me down to just once a week."
	"That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse.  I know 
two guys she's cut off altogether.
%
Two men were standing around talking while nearby a large German Shepherd
lay licking his balls.  One man says to the other, "Damn, I wish I could
do that."
	The other man replies, "Well, it's okay by me, but I think you
ought to get to know him a little first."
%
Two men, both close to retirement, are working on the assembly line.  One
boasts to the other, "Last night I made love to my wife *three* times!"
	"Three times!", replies his friend.  "How did you do it?"
	"Well," says the first man, "I made love to my wife and set the
alarm clock for two hours later.  When it went off we made love again.
Then, I reset it for the morning and we made love once more before I came
to work.  I feel like a bull!"
	His friend says, "Well, that *is* fantastic!  I'm going to have
to give it a try."  So, he goes home that night and makes love to his
wife.  Figuring he doesn't need to set the alarm clock, he settles off
to sleep.  Waking up a few hours later, he nudges his wife and they make love
again.  Waking up in the morning he makes love to his wife for the third
time.  Looking over at the clock he realizes that he's twenty minutes late
for work.  He throws on his clothes and runs down to the subway.  When
he gets to the factory his boss is standing there waiting.
	"Frank", he says, "I've been working for you for 18 years, and I've
never been late before.  You've got to forgive me twenty minutes this once!"
	"Well," replies his boss, "okay, but it's not the twenty minutes
that had me worried.  Where were you Tuesday, where were you Wednesday..."
%
Two midgets arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother
Superior.  Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully "Excuse
me, your holiness, but are there any midget nuns in this convent?"
	Receiving a reply to the negative, he asked whether any midget
nuns were to be found in any of the neighboring parish.  Again the reply
was no.
	The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question.  "Beggin'
your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of *any* midget nuns at
all, anywhere?"  The nun shook her head.
	At which the first midget turned to the second midget, put his hand
on his shoulder, and said, "You see, I told you you fucked a penguin!"
%
Two nuns, a mother superior and a new nun, are walking home one night from
church when they are attacked by two vicious rapists.  The two men drag the
nuns off into the bushes and proceed to have their way with them.  The mother
superior is very afraid, but she knows that God will protect her.  To show her
strength and trust in God she yells out "Forgive him Father, for he knows not
what he does!"

To which the young nun replies "Oooooh, mine does!!"
%
Two old men are walking down the boardwalk when one of them tells the other
that he has to leave, his wife is expecting him to come home and make love
with her.
	The other man is astonished.  "Make love to your wife?  You're as old
as I am!  Nearly eighty years old!  What do you mean you have to go home and
make love to your wife?"
	The first man smiles and says, "We have a *great* sex life.  We make
love every day."
	"You're kidding!" says his friend.  "How do you do it?"
	"Pumpernickel bread.  That's the secret."  And he dashes off home.
	The other man starts to walk home.  "Hmmm," he thinks to himself
pumpernickel bread.  Well, it's worth a try."  So he goes into a nearby
bakery.
	Going up to the woman at the counter, he asks for their entire stock
of pumpernickel bread.  The woman stares at him in astonishment.  "You want
all the pumpernickel bread we have?  Are you sure?  Don't you know that it
will get hard?"
	"How come," demands the man, "everybody knows about this but me?"
%
Two women are talking; one says to the other, "Say, weren't you dating that
cute French horn player?  What ever happened to him?"
	"Well," replies her friend, we're still seeing each other, but,
I must admit, we've had some problems."
	"Problems?  What's wrong?"
	"You see," says the second woman, "every time he kisses me, he
wants to shove his fist up my ass."
%
Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other and says,
"There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen roses, damn it.
That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for three days."

Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?"
%
	Two young men seated in a restaurant were watching a customer busily
disposing of a plate of oysters on the half shell.  One of the young
men remarked to his friend,
	"Did you ever hear that business about raw oysters being
good for a man's virility?"
	"Yes, why?" the friend replied.
	"Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness.  I ate a
dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked."
%
Unix programmers do it with pipes.
%
User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with.
Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to
upgrading same to full size firm.  Size is not all that important; but byte
sized bandwith required -- header width is of more concern.  Joystick should
be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration.  Software is
looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as
well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives.  Fingering of all files
permitted, and encouraged, before thrusting joystick into drive.  Software
is programmed not to copy; there is no need for removing joystick before
completed execution of program.  Program may be run several times per day...
especially if special features and options are utilized.
%
Vandalism On The Upswing!
	Last night, windows were broken and graffiti was sprayed over the
	front of the local sex shop, Le Sex Boutique, causing several hundred
	dollars in damage.  In a later anonymous phone call, the provisional
	wing of the Salvation Army claimed responsibility.
%
Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat"
%
Vidi, vici, veni.
(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
%
We drove to the hotel and said goodbye.  How hypocritical to go upstairs
with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone,
and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to
fuck while pretending he's the one you do.  That's called fidelity.  That's
called civilization and its discontents.
		-- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
%
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands
for masturbation.
		-- Lily Tomlin
%
We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
than malnutrition.
		-- Alex Comfort
%
We've all heard about the woman who married a Field Service engineer but
divorced him after one day because he'd done nothing on their wedding night
but promise to have it up in 15 minutes.  What few people realize is that the
poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering
"I just don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!"
%
"We've got things well in hand."
		-- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California.
%
We've just recieved the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the
various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night.  According
to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and
3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator.  The other 95% get up to go home.
%
Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
	Ms. Kat****** Bl****an is the mistress of a well-known
	banker in Houston, Texas.  That's $5000, please, to stop
	us from revealing both of your names, Mr. L*****, so that
	your wife Doreen, and your lovely children Diane, Janice
	and Tom need never know the name of your mistress.  You
	have two days to reach us at:

		Fortune Blackmail
		Behind the hot water pipes,
		Third stall from the end,
		Greyhound Bus Terminal, Fayette MO.
%
Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
	This is the first of a series of revelations which could
	add up to a divorce, premature retirement and possible
	criminal proceedings for a company vice-president in Langley Virginia.
	So, Mr. S*****, $10,000 please to stop us from revealing:
		1: Whose shoulders you were sitting on.
		2: What you were doing.
		3: The names of the three people involved.
		4: The youth organization to which they belonged.
		5: The shop where you bought the equipment.
%
Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
%
Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and
she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!"  So, I fucked
her twice and slapped her.
%
Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator.  Now, I had
my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco.  Surely
you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
%
Well, you almost got it right.  The only problem is, you're doing it exactly
backwards!  Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will
experience an incredibly intense orgasm.  One trouble with this technique,
though, is that it works so well.  Believe me, word will get around about
your newfound prowess and you'll be inundated by prospective sexual partners.
So try to be discreet.  I prefer maple syrup to pineapple/apricot lotion, but
that's a matter of personal preference.  Also, I'd advise against the syrup,
or using honey, if you're outside, because the insects it attracts tend to
distract the quail.  You can substitute crazy glue (but obviously not thumb
tacks!) for the masking tape, but only if you don't want to use the piano for
awhile.
%
Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms
of a chambermaid as a duchess.
		-- Dr. Johnson
%
What creatures of habit we are.  This morning, without thinking, half asleep,
I put $100 on my pillow.  That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but
my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change.
%
What is a promiscuous person -- it's usually someone who is getting more
sex than you are.
		-- Victor Lownes, quoted in "In and Out: Debrett 1980-81",
		   by N. Mackwood
%
What this department needs is a really good inflatable doll.
%
Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
performance.
		-- Helen Lawrenson
%
Whatever happened to the good old days when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
%
Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stay.
%
When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move.
%
When better women are made, computer programmers will make them.
%
When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
%
When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to
lay off one of his two middle managers.  As both Jack and Liz were equally
honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to
fire.  To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first
to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax.
	The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples.  Asking
Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where
the boss caught up with her.  "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said.
"I've got to lay you or Jack off."
	"Jack off," she snapped.  "I have a headache."
%
When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
ladies, and, of course, the goat.
%
When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling Dopey.
%
When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his
selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones.
	"The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said.
"The flesh-toned rubber models are thirty."
	"I'm just not sure," the woman said,  Then she noticed an eye-catching
item on the back shelf.  "How much is that plaid one over there?
	"Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk.  "I couldn't
sell you that one for less than a hundred."
	"I'll take it."
	Later that day, the store owner checked in to see how business was
going.  "Great," the clerk told him.  "This morning, I sold four white
vibrators and three flesh-toned ones.  And, this afternoon, I got a hundred
bucks for my Thermos."
%
When the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground.
		-- Old Jewish saying

[How come there aren't ever any "New Jewish sayings?"  Ed.]
%
When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her operation, the
young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it would be before she
could resume her sex life.  "I really haven't thought about it," gulped
the stunned surgeon.  "You're the first patient who's asked me that after
a tonsillectomy!"
%
When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
hands.  Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil.  This is a happy
but fleeting state of affairs.  Usually your feelings die about thirty
seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty.  Wanna get high?

Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.  It may,
but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of Rumania.
		-- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
%
Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means up your ass.
%
	"Where'd she get those crow's feet?"
	"You really want to know?"
	"Yeah."
	"From squinting and screaming, 'Suck what!?'"
%
Which of the following doesn't belong?
	a. meat
	b. eggs
	c. drum
	d. blowjob.

Answer:
	d:  A blowjob, because you can beat your meat, your eggs,
	    or your drum, but you just can't beat a blowjob.
%
While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are
scarcely sufficient to service one woman.
		-- Boccaccio
%
	While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
the woods and disappear across the clearing.  Just as she got out of sight, 
three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
	"Yes," replied the hunter.  "What's the trouble?"
	"She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
then.  We're trying to catch her."
	"I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
carrying a bucket of sand?"
	"That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
%
While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore.
%
While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it
might be a good idea to write his girl.  He had brought no stationery with
him, however; so he had to walk into town for some.  Entering the one and
only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm
girl with languorous eyes.
	"Do you keep stationery?" he asked.
	"Well," she giggled, "I do until the last few seconds, and then I
just go wild."
%
While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
out of money just as her visa expired.  Unable to pay her passage back to
France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
proposition.  "My ship is sailing tonight," he said.  "I'll smuggle you
aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets
and food.  All it will cost you is a little love."
	The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on
board his vessel.  Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large
tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway
and departed.  The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned
into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
evening and followed him.  After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
an explanation.  She told him the whole story.
	"Hmmm," mused the captian.  "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
admire that young seaman's ingenuity.  However, miss, I feel it is only fair
to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
%
Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
	"Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
night?" demanded the irate mother. "I could hear the giggling and squealing
for a good half hour."
	"But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
	"I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
	"We did."
%
Why marry a virgin?  If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
then she isn't good enough for you.
%
Why, Good Morning!  I'm the bluebird of fellatio!
%
With a bushel of apples, you can have a hell of a time with the doctor's wife.
%
	With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before.  "What's the trouble,
buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
	"It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
	"I guessed that much.  Tell me about it."
	"I can't," Conrad said.  But after a few more drinks his tongue
and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
"Okay. It's your wife."
	"My wife!!"
	"Yeah."
	"What about her?"
	Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
his pal.  "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
%
Women think of being a man as a gift.  It is a duty.  Even making love can
be a duty.  A man has always got to get it up, and love isn't always enough.
		-- Norman Mailer
%
Women Unite!  Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
%
Working here is like a pregnancy.  After nine months you wish you hadn't come.
%
Writers do it between periods.
%
"Yeah, I used to be into necrophelia, bestiality and sadism, but then I
realized I was just flogging a dead horse."
%
"Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black.  Will there
be anything else?"
%
You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed.
%
You are loved by the multitudes.  Have you been to the clinic lately?
%
You better believe that marijuana can cause castration.  Just suppose
your girlfriend gets the munchies!
%
"You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce!"
		-- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon
%
You can get used to living at a nudist camp.  The first three days are the
hardest.
		-- R. Dreiser
%
You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
get back inside.
		--  Heathcote Williams
%
You might get caught holding the bag.  Say she's your sister.
%
You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!!
%
	You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
elephant in the bed with her.  Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you 
up in the bar last night?"
	"Uh-huh," the  elephant replies.
	"Did I bring you home?"
	"Uh-huh."
	"Did we, uh, fool around?"
	"Uh-huh."
	"Lord, I must have been tight!"
	"Not any more."
%
Your first husband was the one you married while firmly believing that
there are more important things in life than great sex.
%
Yuck Foo.
%
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs,
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clair who wasted away,
D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach,
F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George, smothered under a rug,
H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in the lake,
J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe,
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea,
N is for Nevil who died of enui.
O is for Olive, run through with an awl,
P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire,
R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who parished of fits,
T is for Titas who flew into bits.
U is for Una  who slipped down a drain,
V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
W is for Winie, embedded in ice,
X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in,
Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
		-- Edward Gorey "The Ghastly Crumb Tines"
%
A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair.
One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share.
He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet.
So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by.
One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye.
"See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?"
"I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?"

They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free.
They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see.
And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt,
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone."
"Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow,
Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show.

The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees.
Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he see's.
Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
"Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize."
		-- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman"
%
All I want is a girl made of wood,
With fine-grained hair and carven knee.
She wouldn't drink and wouldn't smoke,
Oh, wooden tit be loverly?
		-- Pinocchio
%
All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance,
And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake,
And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie,
And the lie they tell, is enough to go to
Hello, operator, give me number nine,
If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the
Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass,
If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the
Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies,
This is what Lulu told me, just before she died.
She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim,
She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim.
He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top,
Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot.
		-- Princess
%
All things dull and ugly,		Each little snake that poisons,
All creatures short and squat,		Each little wasp that stings,
All things rude and nasty,		He made their brutish venom,
The Lord God made the lot;		He made their horrid wings.

All things sick and cancerous,		Each nasty little hornet,
All evil great and small,		Each beastly little squid.
All things foul and dangerous,		Who made the spikey urchin?
The Lord God made them all.		Who made the sharks? He did.

All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small.
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.
		-- Monty Python's Flying Circus
%
An attachment a la Plato
for a bashful young potato
or a, not too French, french bean
must excite your languid spleen.
For, if you walk down Picadilly
with a poppy or lily
in your medieval hand,
every one will say,
as you walk your flowery way;
"If this young man is content,
with a vegetable love
which would certainly not content me.
Why, what a very pure young man
this pure young man must be!"
		-- W.S. Gilbert, "Patience"
		[The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde]
%
And it's one, two, three,
What are we fighting for?
Don't ask me I don't give a damn!
Next stop is Vietnam!
And it's five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates.
Ain't no time to wonder why
Whoopie!  We're all going to die.
		-- Country Joe and the Fish
%
... And malt does more than Milton can
To justify God's ways to man.
		-- A. E. Housman
%
And prively he caughte hire by the queynte,
And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones.
		--Geoffrey Chaucer, The Miller's Tale
%
And the northern lights commenced to glow.
And she said, with a tear in her eye,
"Watch out where the huskies go,
and don't you eat that yellow snow."
		-- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper"
%
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
If God won't have you, the devil must.
%
Australia's a lovely land
It's full of bonza blokes,
Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer
Except in Pommie jokes.

Australians are lovely chaps
They're God's own chosen race.
If they ever see a fairy Pom
They'll smash him in the face.

Australians like dressing up
In skirts and having fun
And that's all we were doing
When the Vice Squad came along.
		-- Monty Python's Flying Circus
%
Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
Unless you get a good percentage of her price.
		-- Tom Lehrer
%
Behold the unborn fetus and
	Weep salt tears crocodilian;
All life is sacred (save, of course,
	An enemy civilian).
%
Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
For her life held no terrors.
A virgin born, a virgin died:
No hits, no runs, no errors.
%
Better the prince of some inferior court,
Than second, or less, in beatific light.
		-- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
%
Birth, copulation and death.
That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks;
Birth, copulation and death.
		-- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes"
%
Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh
Held venal traffic with a gnu.
Mistaking fore for aft one morn
Impaled herself upon its horn.

Moral:	Those who seek high ends should shun
	our furred and feathered friends.
%
But they'll never mechanize me -- not me!
Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot.
		-- S.I. Hayakawa
%
Champagne don't make me lazy.
Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
Ain't nobody's business but my own.
		-- Taj Mahal
%
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost ripping up your nose
Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
And folks dressed up like buffaloes
Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
Helps to make the season right
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
Will find it hard to see tonight
They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
And every mother's child is sure to spy
To see if reindeer really scream when they die
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
%
Chorus:
	Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
	Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
	You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
	But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
And we begged her not to go.
But she'd forgot her medication,	When we found her Christmas morning,
And she staggered through the door	At the scene of the attack.
	out in the snow.		She had hoofprints on her forehead,
					And incriminating claus-marks on her
Now we're all so proud of Grandpa,		back.
He's been taking this so well.
See him in there watching football.	I've warned all my friends and
Drinking beer and playing cards			neighbors,
	with cousin Mel.		Better watch out for yourselves!
					They should never give a license,
					To a man who drives a sleigh and
						plays with elves!
		-- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
%
Chorus:
	I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war,
	I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground,
	And livin' off the favors of a 'igh-born lady.
	I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole,
	I don't want me pecker blown away,
	I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England,
	And fornicate me bloody life away!!

Monday I touched her on the ankle,
Tuesday I touched her on the knee,
And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress,
And Thursday I saw you know what,
Friday I put me 'and upon it,
Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak]
And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er,
And now she pays me forty quid a week!
Oh, blimey...

[chorus]
%
Christmas comes but once a year,
A time for love and laughter;
You can come much more than that,
But you have to clean up after.
%
Christopher Robin and I run along,
Under shell-bursts with our M-16s,
Blowing up Heffalumps, Wol, and Eeyore
For the pleasure of hearing their screams.
	But we wandered much further today than we should,
	And Christopher's hit in the back pretty good!

So, help me if you can I've got to get
Back in the knack of cold-blooded killing!
You'd be surprised at the mayhem I bring:
	Burning a village for kicks;
	Flaying a native with sticks...
Back in the trenches with Christopher Robin and Pooh!

Winnie the Pooh doesn't know what to do,
He's got napalm all over his clothes.
He came to me asking help and advice,
So I shot him before he got close.
	But Christopher would try to help his poor bear,
	And so both have burned up with a bright orange flare!

Singin': Help me if you can I've got to get
Back in the hang of this whole murder thing.
You'd be surprised at the mayhem I bring:
	Burning a village for kicks;
	Flaying a native with sticks...
Back in the trenches with Christopher Robin ...
Warming my hands over Christopher Robin ...
Making s'mores over Pooh!
		-- "Roughhouse at Pooh Corner," to the tune of "House at Pooh
		   Corner," by three warped students, College of Wooster, 1979
%
	CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)

Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when she is grown,
My very own clone,
	We'll be of the opposite sex.
Chorus:
	Clone, clone of my own,
	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
	And when we're alone,
	Since her mind is my own,
	She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
		-- Randall Garrett
%
Come along and sing a song and join our family.
B & D
S & M
Post to A.S.B.!
Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT.
B & D
S & M
Post to A.S.B.!
A.S.B.!
	(A.S.B.!)
A.S.B.!
	(A.S.B.!)
Come on now, let's try another tie!
	(Tie! Tie! Tie!)
All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC.
B & D
S & M
Post on A.S.B.!
		-- To the Mickey Mouse March
%
Copa-ulation:
(to the tune of Copacabana)

Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair,
She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go,
And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar,
And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come,
His favorite drink is cream in coffee,
Won't you order one?

At the Copa, Copa-ulation ...

Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl,
But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow,
Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown,
She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind,
But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings,
But a real good time ...
%
Cover your stump before you hump.
Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
Don't be silly... protect your Willie.
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it.
		-- National Condom Week
%
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,
Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw?
I really must beg your pardon,
But I've got a hell of a hard-on,
From beating my meat, against the seat,
Of a bicycle built for two.
		-- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book"
%
Dark and lonely on a summer night
	Kill my landlord,
	Kill my landlord.
The watchdog barkin'
Do he bite?
	Kill my landlord,
	Kill my landlord.
Slip in his window.
Break his neck.
Then his house I start to wreck
Got no reason,
What the heck?
	Kill my landlord,
	Kill my landlord.
	C-I-L-L my landlord!
		-- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
%
Dave has an areoplane,
In which he likes to frisk.
Oh what a foolish boy,
His silly *.
%
Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
This visage meek and humble,
And hear this confidential plea
Voiced in reverent mumble:
	Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
	But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
		-- Ansel Adams
%
Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men,
For though the world stood up
And stopped the bastard,
The bitch that bore him is in heat again.
		-- Bertolt Brecht
%
Drop kick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life,
End over end, not to the left or the right,
Straight through the middle of those righteous uprights!
Drop kick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life.

Send down our brothers who've gone on before;
With their assistance, we'll rack up the score!
The help of the angels, I think, would be fine,
As long as you put them in the Steelers' front line!
%
Eisenhower was very nice,
Nixon was his only vice.
		-- C. Degen
%
Fed some caviar to my girlfriend
She was a virgin tried and true
Now my girlfriend needs no urgin'
There ain't nothin' she won't do!
	Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon -
	Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish.
	Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin'
	That's why caviar is my dish!

Fed some caviar to my Grandpa
He was a man of ninety-three
Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma
He had chased her up a tree!
	(chorus)
%
Filth and old age, I'm sure you will agree,
Are powerful wardens upon chastity.
		-- Geoffrey Chaucer
%
First you get down on your knees,	Get in line in that processional,
Fiddle with your rosaries,		Step into that small confessional,
Bow your head with great respect,	There the guy who's got religion'll
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!	Tell you if your sins' original.
Do whatever steps you want if		If it is, try playin' it safer,
You have cleared them with the Pontiff,	Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
Ev'rybody say his own			Two, four, six eight,
Kyrie eleison,				Time to transubstantiate!
Doin' the Vatican Rag.

So get down upon your knees,		Make a cross on your abdomen,
Fiddle with your rosaries,		When in Rome do like a Roman,
Bow your head with great respect,	Ave Maria,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!	Gee, it's good to see ya,
	Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag!
		-- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag"
%
Five-foot nine, eyes that shine
He was born in Palestine
Has anybody seen my Lord?

He's so cool, he's so fine
Eat his bread and drink his wine
Has anybody seen my Lord?

He's so neat, he's so cool,
Walks across my swimming pool.
Has anybody...
%
For they starve the frightened little child
Till it weeps both night and day:
And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
And gibe the old and grey,
And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
And none a word may say.

Each narrow cell in which we dwell
Is a foul and dark latrine,
And the fetid breath of living Death
Chokes up each grated screen,
And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
In Humanity's machine.

And all men kill the thing they love,
By all let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
		-- Robert Frost
%
From the crystal swirling waters,
Of the Rio Amazon,
To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
Where we stand pajamas on.	(It's the only thing that rhymes.)
From ev'ry hallowed venue,
Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
Your butt is on the menu
And the check is in the mail.
		-- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
%
"Get a load of that chick!"	"Dude -- you gotta ask her out."
"Weellll, I dunno..."		"Look.  The worst she can say, is 'No'!"
"Hey!  You're right!"		"I'm always right!"
"The worst she can say... is 'No'!"

"Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif
you'd like to go out with me!"

Oh my god you little Geek!
Get away before I freak!		You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum,
I'm a babe and you are not.		You asked me out; you MUST be dumb.
You can't handle what I've got!		Well you can beg until you're blue,
I'm too hot, too hot for you..		But you're not even fit to lick my shoe.
					I'm too hot, too hot for you.
Ha ha ha!  Don't make me laugh!
I want a whole man, not a half.		I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer
You wet your pants, I'm so sure.		face,
Too bad wimp-itis has no cure.		I'm god's gift to the male race.
I'm too hot, too hot for you.		I'm the queen of babes supreme,
					But you'll only see me in you dreams.
"Well?  What'd she say??"		I'm too hot, too hot for you.
"Well, she didn't say no..."
 		-- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No"
%
Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle
	Lean closer.
Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle
	Smile at her *knowingly*.
Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle
	Nod sympathetically.  Show you're on *her* side.
Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle
	Touch her hand lightly.  Nobody understands but we two.
Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle
	Look sincere.

"Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?"

	God's gift to women strikes again.
		-- J. Feiffer
%
Gimme that old bisexuality,
Gimme that old bisexuality,
Gimme that old bisexuality,
'Cause it's good enough for me!

It was good for David Bowie,
It was good for David Bowie,
It was good for David Bowie,
And it's good enough for me!
%
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen!
Here's a little number I tossed up in the Carribean recently...

Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis,
isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong.

It's swell to have a Stiffy,
it's divine to have a Dick,
from the tinyest little Tadger,
to the world's greatest Prick.

So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas,
Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake.

Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend,
your Porky or your Cock,
you can wrap it up in ribbons,
you can stick it in your sock!

But, don't take it out in public,
or they will stick you in the dock,
and you won't come back.
                -- Monty Python, from "The Meaning of Life"
%
Hail to the sun god
He sure is a fun god
Ra!  Ra!  Ra!
%
Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
The Duke is fond of kittens
He likes to take their insides out
And use them for his mittens
		-- The Thirteen Clocks
%
He drank with curvy Mabel,
The pace was fast and furious,
He slid beneath the table,
Not drunk but merely curious.
%
He grabbed me by my slender neck,
I could not call or scream.
He dragged me to his tiny room,
Where we could not be seen.
He tore away my filmy wrap,
And gazed upon my form.
I so cold and frightened,
While he so strong and warm.
He pressed me to his thirsty lips,
I gave him every drop.
He drained me of my very self,
I could not make him stop!
And that is why you see me here,
An empty, broken bottle of beer...
%
(He opens a tolm and begins.)

	It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
	Already I am stopped.  It seems absurd.
	The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
	I must translate it otherwise.
	If I am well inspired and not blind.
	It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
	Ponder that first line, wait and see,
	Lest you should write too hastily.
	Is the Mind the all-creating source?
	It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
	Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
	That my translation must be changed again.
	The spirit helps me.  Now it is exact.
	I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
		-- Goethe's Faust
%
He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
		-- O. Nash, on the perfect husband
%
Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
		-- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
%
Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin',
Just gave birth to another Texan.
%
Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
Now she's at rest, and so am I.
		-- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
%
Here's a toast to Screwy Dick,
The man who was born with a corkscrew prick.
He spent his life in a futile hunt,
To find a woman with a spiral cunt.
And when he did, he dropped stone dead,
'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread!
%
Here's to the girl in little red shoes,
She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze,
She has no cherry, but that's no sin,
She has the box the cherry came in.
%
Here's to the girl that's dressed in black,
She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack
She feels so fine and kisses so sweet
She makes things stand that have no feet.
%
Here's to the girl that's sweet,
Here's to the girl that's true,
Here's to the girl in all our hearts...

In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for
the rest of the night?
%
Here's to the woman beautiful and divine
she flowers every month bears fruit every nine
she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell
can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell.
%
Hickory Dickory Dock,
Three mice ran up a clock!
The clock struck one,
Right in the balls!

There was an old woman,
Who lived in a shoe,
Who had so many children,
Her uterus fell right out.
%
Higgledy Piggledy		Coeducational
Yale University			Extracurricular
Gave up misogyny		Heterosexual
Opened its door.		Fun is in store.
%
How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!

Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.

Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!

Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!

How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
		-- Mason Williams, "Them Toad Suckers"
%
How could they think women a recreation?
Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
Only the ignorant or the busy could.  That elm
of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
Splendid.  Splendid.  Splendid.  Like Rome.  Like loins.
A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
To ambergris.  But not for recreation.
I would not have lost so much for recreation.

Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
have I come this far, stubborn, disasterous way.
But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
and call and call forever till she turn from bird
to blowing woods.  From woods to jungle.  Persimmon.
To light.  From light to princess.  From princess to woman
in all her fresh particularity of difference.
Then oh, through the underwater time of night
indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
This I have done with my life, and am content.
I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
	-- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
%
	"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
quavering voice.
	"No," said GoodGulf, "but I can.  The letters are Elvish, of
course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
I will not utter here.  They are lines of a verse long known in
Elven-lore:

	"This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
	Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
	Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
	This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
	The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
	The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
	If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
	If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
		-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
%
I had a dream last night...
I dreamt about 1976.
I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
so I went back to sleep again.
		-- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
%
I have a funny daddy
Who goes in and out with me
And everything that baby does
Daddy's sure to see,
And everything that baby says,
My daddy's sure to tell.
You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse.
I hope he fries in Hell.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.

The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
		-- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
%
I know a Polack his name is Cliff,
Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff,
Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.

I know a girl, her name is Serafina,
Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina,
Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.

I know a girl, her name is Cuffy,
Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy,
Hey la-de-la-de-lo.
		-- Doctor Dirty
%
I love to eat them Smurfies
Smurfies what I love to eat
Bite they ugly heads off,
Nibble on they bluish feet.
%
I think the Mormon prophet
Was a very funny man.
I wonder how his wives enjoyed
His Prophet Sharing Plan.
%
I wish I was a fascinating lady
With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady
I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night
I'd live in a house with a little red light
And once a month I'd take a small vacation
And leave all the men to their imagination
And once in a while I'd go all wild
And have myself an illegitimate child
I wish I were a fascinating lady
Instead I'm the minister's child
%
I'd like to give the world a hug
And tell it jokes and stuff
And pull its pants down to its knees
And chase it through the rough

Then tie it up with bonds and straps
And search its purse for change
Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall
With our cousin who's deranged ...
		-- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial
%
I'm a lover not a dancer!
I'm a lover not a dancer!
Don't want to be on my feet,
When I can be on my back,
Don't want to be on the floor,
When I can be in the sack!
I'm a lover not a dancer!
I'm a lover not a dancer!
I'm just a little bit tired
If you know what I mean,
Don't want to be in a crowd
When I can be in a dream!
I'm a lover not a dancer!
Baby!
And, baby, let me prove it to you,
Baby, let me prove it to you!
		-- Jim Steinman, "Dance in my Pants"
%
I'm glad that I'm an American,
I'm glad that I am free,
But I wish I were a little doggy,
And McGovern were a tree.
%
I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant plucker's son.
I'm just a'plucking pheasants
'Til the pheasant plucker comes.
		-- The Irish Rovers
%
I've been feeling kind of jealous,
Of all them well-hung fellas,
Like Michael, Rod, and Mick.		It would have to be a big one,
Tell me, Doctor can you mend me?	A giant, horny love gun,
I've a case of penis envy --		To let me be a jock.
If I only had a dick.			Girls would never beg my pardon,
					They would turn on to my hardon --
					If I only had a cock.
Oh, I can tell you now,
The number of times I'd score,
I could fuck girls like			I would not be just a housewife,
	I never have before,		Living a little mouse-life
And then I'd cum (wee!)			In days that drag out long.
And fuck some more!			I would dance and I'd be merry
					Life would be a ding-a-derry
					If I only had a dong!
		-- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz
%
I've finally found the perfect girl,
I couldn't ask for more,
She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,
And owns a liquor store.
%
If I had a penis I'd wear it outside,
In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride.
If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper.
If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay.
I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day.

I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts.
I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts.
I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet;
I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it.
If I had a penis I'd run to my mother;
Comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge...
Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge.
[Chorus]
	A penis to plunder, a penis to push
	'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush.
	A penis to love me, a penis to share,
	To pick up and play with when nobody's there.
		-- Uncle Bonsai, "Penis Envy"
%
If you need anything just whistle.
You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
Just put your lips together and blow.
		-- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
%
If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
Bed down with a pretty girl.
Amor vincit omnia.
%
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am".
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!
		-- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song"
%
In days of old, when knights were bold,
	And rubbers weren't invented,
They tied their socks around their cocks
	And babies were prevented.
%
In her first passion woman loves her lover,
In all the others all she loves is love.
		-- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
%
In the days of old,
When Knights were bold,
	And women were too cautious;
Oh, those gallant days,
When women were women,
	And men were really obnoxious.
%
In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
In the evening, floating in the soup.
	(chorus):
	Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
	Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
You can ask them anything you want to.
They won't answer; they can't talk.
	(chorus)
I took a fish head out to see a movie,
Didn't have to pay to get it in.
	(chorus)
They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
	(chorus)
Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
	(chorus)
Fishy!
	(chorus)
		-- Fish Heads
%
In youth, it was a way I had
To do my best to please,
And change, with every passing lad,
To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know,
And do the things I do;
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
%
It was April the 41st,
Being a quadruple leap year.
I was driving in down-town Atlantis.
My Barracuda was in the shop,
So I was in a rented stingray
	-- and it was over-heating.
So, I pulled into a Shell station.
They said I'd blown a seal.
I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private
	life out of it, okay pal?"
While they were doing that,
I walked over to the Oyster Bar.
	A real dive.
But I knew the owner.
He used to play for the Dolphins
I said "Hi, Gil!"
You have to yell
	-- he's hard of herring.
		-- Kip Adotta, "Wet Dream"
%
Jack an Jill went up the hill.
Jill went down,
Jack came.
%
Jack and Jill 
Went up the hill,
Each had a buck and a quarter!
Jill came down,
With two and a half,
You think they went for water?
%
Jack and Jill went up a hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown	Jack on Jill produced a thrill
And Jill came tumbling after.		When on the ground he got her,
					Then went down and told the town
					He tumbled Jill and gaffed her.
Jack to Jill thus did such ill
That Jill, to pay the rotter,
Told the town Jack's crown broke down	Jack and Jill have split the bill
When he set out to shaft her.		Since Jack led Jill to totter.
					Half the town deals Jill a frown
					And half greets Jack with laughter.
%
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jumped over the candle stick.
But Jack wasn't so nimble,
Jack wasn't so quick,
So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick!
%
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
Jack jumped over the candle stick,
And burnt his balls.
%
jake hates
	  all the girls(the
shy ones, the bold		paul scorns all
ones; the meek				       the girls(the
proud sloppy sleek)		bright ones, the dim
all except the cold		ones; the slim
		   ones		plump tiny tall)
				all except the
					      dull ones
gus loves all the
		 girls(the
warped ones, the lamed		mike likes all the girls
ones; the mad						(the
moronic maimed)			fat ones, the lean
all except			ones; the mean
	  the dead ones		kind dirty clean)
				all
				   except the green ones
		-- e e cummings
%
Kill Kill,
Hate Hate,
Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
%
Kitten with a whip,	Teddy bear in chains,	Puss in leather boots,
tail, swish swish,	spread on a bed;	rising thigh high;
take what you will,	fantasy games,		black rubber suits;
get what you wish.	deep in your head.	making him cry.

Squirm from the blows,	Now pussy's all hot,	Teddy bear sighs;
writhe from the pain;	from the power trip;	kitty's on top;
but teddy bear knows,	ready or not,		there's fire in her eyes,
that he wants it again.	next swing's from	and the cat won't stop.
				the hip.

The world explodes,	Teddy's still tied;	Kitten with a whip,
her claws dig in;	lying all alone;	tail, swish swish,
then kitty cat goes,	even if he tried,	take what you will,
cause she's through	he couldn't go home.	get what you wish.
	with him.
		-- Kitten With A Whip
%
Left a good broad by the river,
Traveled back into town just to get some rest!
Waited for 10 hours,
Went back to the river,
But I couldn't get her out of that mess!

chorus:
	Poor Mary Jo Kopechne,
	Dead Mary Jo Kopechne,
	Rollin'... rollin'... rollin' down the window!

If you're gonna run for office,
And you know that it's an election year.
Don't go in the river,
'Specially by way of bridges,
It could put an end to your political career!
(chorus)
		-- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary"
%
Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
I'm not half the man I used to be.
Oh, how did I get leprosy?

Syphillis, it all started with a simple kiss.
Now it even hurts to take a piss.
Oh why did I get syphillis?

Why'd she have VD?  I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
		-- "Leprosy," to the tune of "Yesterday"
%
Let's love each other slowly,
reaching for a plane,
of exquisite pleasure,
and delicate pain.
		-- Adam Beslove
%
Like private parts to the Gods are we,
they play with us for their sport.
		-- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2)
%
Lions in the street and roaming,
Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
A beast caged in the heart of the city.
The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
He fled the town.
Went down south across the border,
Left the chaos and disorder
Back there, over his shoulder.
One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
A strange creature groaning beside him.
Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
Is everybody in?  The ceremony is about to begin.
		-- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
%
Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you,
Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue.
Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through,
'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you.
		-- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar"
%
Little Johnny with a grin,
Drank up all of daddy's gin,
Mother said, when he was plastered,
Go to bed, you little ... love-child.
%
Little Mary on the ice,
Went out to have a frisk,
Now wasn't little Mary nice,
Her pretty *?
%
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
And bit her right in the snatch.
%
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her knickers all tattered and torn.
For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her,
But Little Boy Blue with his horn!
%
Little Miss Muffet,
Sat on her tuffet,
Smoking some THC.
Along came a narc'er who sat down beside her
And said, "So... what's in the bag, bitch?!"
%
Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
Love to eat them mousies,
Mousies I love to eat.
Bite they little heads off,
Nibble at they tiny feet.
		-- Kliban
%
	Love's Drug

My love is like an iron wand 
	That conks me on the head,
My love is like the valium 
	That I take before my bed,
My love is like the pint of scotch 
	That I drink when I be dry;
And I shall love thee still, my dear,
	Until my wife is wise.
%
Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent,
Some say not even indecent.
But if you lust,
It's a must!
%
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece as white as snow.
It followed her to school one day,
And got fucked by a big black dog.
%
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept it in a bucket.
And every time she let it out,
The bulldog used to ...
Umm, chase it around the garden.
%
Mary had a little lamb,
The lamb turned out to be a ram,
Now Mary has a little lamb.
%
Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
She never had a moment's peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
		-- Alma Garcia
%
Mary had a little sheep,
And with the sheep she went to sleep,
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
And Mary had a little lamb.
%
Mary had a little watch;
She swallowed it one day.
And so she took some Ex-Lax
To pass the time away.

But when she took the Ex-Lax
The time it did not pass.
So when you want to know the time,
Just look up Mary's ... Uncle.

(He has a watch, too)
%
Me father makes book on the corner,
Me mother makes second hand gin,
Me sister makes love for a dollar,
And that's how the money rolls in!

	Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
		(Rolls in!)
	Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!

Me father sells cheap prophylactics,
Me mum pokes the tips with a pin,
Me sister performs the abortions,
And that's how the money rolls in!

Me uncle's a poor missionary,
He saves fallen women from sin.
He'll save you a blonde for five dollars,
And that's how the money rolls in.
%
Men have many faults,
	Women only two:
Everything they say,
	And everything they do!
%
Missed the train at the railway station
Oh hell, blast, and damnation!
Asked a lady in there if she had the time,
She said "Yes", and a strong inclination.
%
Mistress Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells,
And one really fucked-up petunia.
%

Money cannot buy
The fuel of love
but is excellent kindling.

To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
Is a keen observer of life,
The word intellectual suggests right away
A man who's untrue to his wife.
		-- W.H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
%
Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
	be shared."
But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
	with prawns,
Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..."
But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
His Mother cried: "What shall we do?  What's left won't even make a stew..."
And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
%
My travel agent's an Oxford chap 
Who rolls his eyes when he speaks.
I asked him about the Isle of Man 
For a journey of about six weeks.
And this is what he said to me 
As he looked me right in the eye,
"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip 
Of Elephant Shit On Rye."

A brand-new store just opened its door
At the corner of 5th and Vine
And I happened to be standing right outside
When they turned on their neon sign.
I heard a strange sound, I looked around,
And that's when I almost died,
They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town
To get their Elephant Shit On Rye!
%
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.

It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
%
Nobody loves me,
Everybody hates me,
I think I'll go out and eat worms.
I'm gonna cut their heads off,
Eat their insides out,
And throw way the skins.
Big, fat, juicy ones,
Little, skinny, cute ones,
Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
%
Now of a maid, I'll sing a song,
Sing, rikkity-tikkity-tin.
Now of a maid, I'll sing a song,	She didn't like her Uncle Zeke,
Who didn't keep her family long.	Sing, rikkity-tikkity-tin,
Not only did she do them wrong,		She didn't like her Uncle Zeke,
She did every one of them in, them in,	And so she drowned him in the creek.
She did every one of them in.		The water we had was bad for a week,
					So we had to make do with gin, with gin,
She weighted her father down with stones.  We had to make do with gin.
Sing, rikkity-tikkity-tin.
She weighted her father down with stones,  Her mother she could never stand,
And sent him off to Davy Jones.		Sing, rikkity-tikkity-tin.
All that we ever found were bones,	Her mother she could never stand,
And occasional pieces of skin, of skin, And so a cyanide soup she planned.
Occasional pieces of skin.	     Her mother died with the spoon in her hand,
					And her face in a hideous grin, a grin.
She set her sister's hair on fire,	Her face in a hideous grin.
Sing, rikkity-tikkity-tin.
She set her sister's hair on fire,	One day, when she had nothing to do,
And as the smoke and flames grew higher,  Sing, rikkity-tikkity-tin.
She danced around the funeral pyre,	One day, when she had nothing to do,
Playing the violin, -olin,		She cut her baby brother in two,
Playing the violin.			And served him up as an Irish stew,
					And invited the neighbors in, -bors in,
And when at last the police came by,	Invited the neighbors in.
Sing, rikkity-tikkity-tin.
And when, at last, the police came by,	For to do so she would have to lie,
Her little pranks she did nor deny,	And lying, she knew, was a sin, a sin,
					Lying she knew was a sin.
		-- "Rikkity-tikkity-tin"
%
O!  If I were a fish
I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
Yes, that's my one and only wish --
To be a fish!

For fish don't ever mish;
They needn't flush after they pish!
Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
For all the fish!!!
%
Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."

Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
"Now listen my son, although you're confused,
Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."

Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
What books ought I read?  What thoughts do I dare?
"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."

Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
Are all races equal?  Are laws just and fair?
"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
%
Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
	see if I don't.
		-- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
%
Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam,
Where the beer and the whiskey flows free,
Where never is heard, a discouraging word,
And the call-girls keep callin' for me!
%
Oh I'm just a typical American boy
From a typical American town.
I believe in God and Senator Dodd
And keeping old Castro down.
And when it came my time to serve
I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
But when I got to my old draft board,
Buddy, this is what I said:

Chorus:
	Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
	And I always carry a purse!
	I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
	And my asthma's getting worse!
	Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
	And my poor old invalid aunt!
	Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
	And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
		-- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
%
Oh, I could while away the hours,
Smoking herbs and flowers,
Shooting up my veins,
	De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
If I dealt in good cocaine.
		-- To If I Only Had A Brain from "The Wizard of Oz"
%
Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover,
That got run over with my mower.
One leg is missing, and one other is gone,
The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn.
It's no use explain'n, the one remaining,
It landed by the kitchen door.
Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover,
that ain't gonna walk no more...
		-- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover.
%
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
A merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe,
And he called for his drums,
And he fiddled with his call girls three.
%
Old McDonald had a farm,
E-I-E-I-O!
And on this farm he had some chicks,
E-I-E-I-O!
With a chick-chick here,
And a chick-chick there,
Here a chick,
There a chick,
Everywhere a chick-chick,
Old McDonald lost his farm
'Cause he had too many chicks!
%
Old Mother Hubbard,
Went to the cubbard,
To get her poor doggie a bone.

But when she stooped over,
Old Rover, he drove her.
You see, he had a bone of his own.
%
Once Law was sitting on the bench
	And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
	Nor come before me creeping.
Upon you knees if you appear,
'Tis plain you have no standing here."

Then Justice came.  His Honor cried:
	"YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
"Amica curiae," she replied --
	"Friend of the court, so please you."
"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
I never saw your face before!"
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Ouch mosquito, silent by night,
Why pierce my skin, so white?
You grow plump, as a leech.
Stop!  I beseech (in vein).

I have no choice.
Why waste my voice,
When only a slap will do?
Ouch, I am bitten!
What ho, you are smitten!
Yo mosquito, fuck you.
		-- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito"
%
Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
In all of the directions it can whiz;
As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
		-- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life"
%
Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
Not one damn thing do we solve.
		-- 1776
%
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
		-- "Plunderer's Theme," to the tune of
		   "Supercaligragilisticexpialidocius" 
%
Posterity will ne'er survey
A nobler grave than this;
Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
Stop, traveler, and piss.
		-- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
%
Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine, 
And frollicked in the Autumn mist,
And drank Manishiewitz wine.
Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
And brought him soup and Matzah balls,
And other kosher stuff.

Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork.
Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk.
Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat,
That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet.
%
Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.

Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.

Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
Users of heroin, often called junkies
Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.

	On a bad trip
	When the cops come
	When I lose my head
	I simply take more of my favorite drugs
	And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
		-- "My Favorite Drugs," to the tune of "My Favorite Things"
%
San Francisco is my kind of city,
Where the women are strong and the men are pretty.
%
Santa Claus wears a red suit.
He's a Communist.

He has long hair and a beard.
Must be a pacifist.

And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?

Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.

Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
		-- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
%
Send lawyers, guns, and money,
The shit has hit the fan.
		-- Warren Zevon
%
Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
Is all my brain and body need.
Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
Are very good indeed.

Take your silly ways,
Throw them out the window,
The wisdom of your ways,
I've been there and I know,
Lots of other ways...
		-- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
%
Sex is great,
Sex is grand,
Sex around here,
Is mostly by hand.
%
Share and enjoy, share and enjoy.
Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side.
Let your pal be your guide.
And when it breaks down or starts to annoy,
	or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy,
	'cause it digs up your hat,
	or has sex with your cat,
	sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door,
	and you get to the point you can't stand any more.
Bring it to us, we won't give a shit.
We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig".
%
She never liked zippers, she said,
Until she opened one in bed.
%
She was bred in ol' Kentucky
But she's just a crumb up here
She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
With a cauliflower ear
Someday we will be married
And if vegetables become too dear
I'll just cut me a slice of
Her cauliflower ear!
		-- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
%
She's such a kinky girl,
The kind you don't take home to mother.
She will never let your spirits down
Once you get her off the street.
%
So now
that you have-

you know, whoever

you're trying
to do

a favor
for

-you've done it-

and I'm sure
you had

a smirk
on your mouth

as you got me
into this.
	-- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
	   composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public Radio.
	   From SPY Magazine, November 1992
%
So, good night, you moonlit ladies,
Rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
		-- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James"
%
Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty,
Father, why do these words sound so nasty?
		-- Hair
%
SOLOIST:				MOUNTIES:
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK,		He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
I sleep all night and I work all day.	He sleeps all night and he works
					all day.

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,	He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
I go to the lavatory.			He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesday I go shopping,		On Wednesday he goes shopping,
And have buttered scones for tea.	And has buttered scones for tea.

I cut down trees, I skip and jump,	He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
I like to press wild flowers,		He likes to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing,		He puts on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars.		And hangs around in bars.

I cut down trees, I wear high heels,	He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
Suspenders and a bra.			Suspenders?  and a bra?
I wish I'd been a girlie,		That's rude...
Just like my dear Pappa.
%
Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.

Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
That don't smell very nice --
He's nobody's moggy now.

Oh you who love your pussy,
Be sure to keep him in.
Don't let him argue with a truck,	If he tries to play
The truck is bound to win.		On the road way
And upon the busy road,			I'm afraid that will be that,
Don't let him play or frolic.		There will be one last despairing
If you do, I'm warning you,			"Meow!"
It could be cat-astrophic!		And a sort of squelchy Splat!
					And your pussy will be slightly dead,
He's nobody's moggy --			And very, very flat!
Just red and squashed and soggy --
He's nobody's moggy now.
		-- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
%
Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell you are I think
I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
Tee martoonis make a guy,
Feel so woozy, I don't know why.
So mass the pixer and kill my fup
I've all day sober to sunday up.
%
Tequila my girl, is deceiving:
Take two at the very most.
Take three and you're under the table,
Take four and you're under the host.
%
The blacksmith told me before he died,
And I have no reason to believe that he lied,
That no matter how he tried,
His wife was never satisfied!

And so he built a bloody great wheel,
Harnessed to a cock of steel,
Two balls of brass were filled with cream,
And the whole damn thing was driven by steam.

Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
In and out went the cock of steel,
Till at last the maiden cried,
"Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!"

And now we come to the crucial bit --
There was no way of stopping it.
And she was split from hole to hole,
And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit...
%
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
What matter where, if I be still the same,
And what I should be, all but less than he
Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least
We shall be free; the almighty hath not built
Here for his envy, will not drive us hence;
Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice,
To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell:
Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.
		-- Satan, Milton's "Paradise Lost", I, 254-263
%
The orders come down and they march us away.
There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
But it's better than working for Xerox.
		-- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
%
The poor little doe
Crawled out of the woods,
Tired, bedraggled and blue.
"Look," she said, "What I did for a buck,
I should have asked for two!"
%
The rich man uses vaseline,
	The poor man uses lard;
The worker uses axle grease
	But gets it twice as hard.
%
The sun was shining brightly		The breeze was blowing briskly,
And I could hardly wait,		It made the flowers sway,
To ponder at my window			The garden was enchanting
And gaze at my estate.			On this inspiring day.

My eyes fell on a little bird,		I smiled at him cheerfully
With a beautiful yellow bill,		And gave him a crust of bread,
I beckoned him to come and light	And then I closed the window
Upon my window sill.			And smashed his fucking head.
		-- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith
%
There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists,	Every sperm is sacred,
there are Hindus and Mormons and then			Every sperm is great,
there are those that follow Mohammed  ...But...		If a sperm is wasted,
I've never been one of them.				God gets quite irate.

I am a Roman Catholic					Every sperm is wanted,
And have been since before I was born,			Every sperm is good.
And the one thing they say about Catholics is		Every sperm is needed,
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.		In your neighborhood.

You don't have to be a six-footer.		Let the heathens spill theirs,
You don't have to have a great brain.		On the dusty ground.
You don't have to have any clothes on,		God shall make them pay for
You're a Catholic the moment Dad came		Each sperm that can't be found.
...Because...

Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,				Every sperm is useful,
spill theirs just anywhere			Every sperm is fine.
but God loves those who treat their		God needs everybodies,
semen with more care.				Mine, and mine, and mine.
		-- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred"
%
There were the Scots
Who kept the Sabbath
And everything else they could lay their hands on.
Then there were the Welsh
Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
Thirdly there were the Irish
Who never knew what they wanted
But were willing to fight for it anyway.
Lastly there were the English
Who considered themselves a self-made nation
Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
%
This land is full of trousers!
this land is full of mausers!
	And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
		-- Firesign Theater
%
This land is made of mountains,
This land is made of mud,
This land has lots of everything,
For me and Elmer Fudd.

This land has lots of trousers,
This land has lots of mousers,
And pussycats to eat them
When the sun goes down.
%
Tiddely Quiddely
Edward M. Kennedy
Quite unaccountably
Drove in a stream.

Pleas of amnesia
Incomprehensible
Possibly shattered
Political dream.
%
'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
Did groove and trip out at the pad:	"Beware the Radcliff girl, my son!
All whimsy were the slamming chicks,	The looks that mell, the claws that
And the Radcliffe undergrad.			catch!
					Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun
He took his venerable staff in hand:	The uppity Wellesleysnatch!"
Long time the cool young stuff he
	sought --			And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
So rested he among the spree		The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
And paused to smoke some pot.		Crept past the hippies getting balled
					And doffed her miniskirt.
One, two!  One, two!  And through
	and through			"And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
The venerable staff went snicker-snack!	Come to my arms, my horny boy!
He left her bred, sans maidenhead,	O spaced-out day!  Calooh!  Callay!"
And went galumphing back.		He cackled in his joy.

'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
Did groove and trip out at the pad:
All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
And the Radcliffe undergrad.
%
'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
A satellite spotted him making his way.
The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
Was ready for action, and started to fire!
The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
If the crazy contraption would work very well.
So after a trillion or two had been spent
The system thought Santa a Red missle sent.
So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
%
Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life,
which takes but one prick to break.
		-- Jordan Sand
%
Was it you that did the pushin',
Left the stains upon the cushion,
The footprints on the dashboard upside-down?
Was it you, you little pecker,
That got into my Rebecca,
If you did, you'd better leave this town!

Yes, 'twas I that did the pushin',
Left the stains upon the cushion,
Footprints on the dashboard upside-down.
But since I stuck your daughter,
I've had trouble passin' water,
So I guess we're kind of even all around!
%
We
own
this land.

I don't spend
any time
on this land.

This
is a tiny
little piece

of my
business
interests.

It's like
a grain
of sand.
	-- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
	   recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
	   From SPY Magazine, November 1992
%
We boggies are a hairy folk		Ever hungry, ever thirsting,
Who like to eat until we choke.		Never stop till belly's bursting.
Loving all like friend and brother,	Chewing chop and pork and muttons,
And hardly ever eat each other.		A merry race of boring gluttons.

Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE.

Boggies gather 'round the table,	Anything edible, we've got dibs on,
Eat as much as you are able.		And hope we all die with our bibs on.
Gorge yourselves from moon till noon	Ever gay, we'll never grow up,
(Don't forget your plate and spoon.)	Come! And sing and play and throw-up!

Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE!
		-- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem"
%
We love our little Johnny
He's the best little boy in all the world
And we wouldn't trade him for anything
That's how much we love him.
No, we couldn't live without him
So that's why, since he died,
We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
He's so good, so well-behaved,
Even better than before;
Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
Never miss our little Johnny,
He'll never grow up and leave us
That's why we love him like we do.
		-- Mr. Mincemeat
%
We must!  We must!
We must increase our bust!
The bigger the better!
The tighter the sweater!
And the boys will think more of us!
%
We will follow Zarathustra,		We will worship like the Druids,
Zarathustra like we use to,		Dancing naked in the woods,
I'm a Zarathustra booster,		Drinking strange fermented fluids,
And he's good enough for me!		And it's good enough for me!
(chorus)				(chorus)

In the church of Aphrodite,
The priestess wears a see through nightie,
She's a mighty righteous sightie,
And she's good enough for me!
(chorus)

CHORUS:	Give me that old time religion,
	Give me that old time religion,
	Give me that old time religion,
	'Cause it's good enough for me!
%
Well, actually, I don't mind going to weddings or anything, as long as they're
not my own, I show up, but uh, I've always kinda been partial to callin' myself
up on the phone, asking myself out, y'know, yeah, one thing about it, you're
always around.  Yeah, I know, yeah, you ask yourself out, y'know, some class
joint somewhere, the Burrito King, or somethin', y'know, well, I ain't cheap
y'know.  Take yourself out for a coupla drinks, mebbe, then you eat, some
provocative conversation on the way home, and uh, park in front of the house,
y'know, and you, oh yeah, you smoo with yourself, put a little nice music on,
mebbe you put on like, uh, y'know, like shoppin' music, something that's not
too interruptive, y'know, and then uh, y'know, slide over real nice, and say,
"Oh, I think you have something in your eye", well, maybe it's not that
romantic with you, but I don't, y'know, I get into it, y'know, I take myself
up to the porch, and uh, take myself inside, maybe, oh, I might get a little
something in a brandy snifter, "Would you like to listen to some of my back
records, I got something here...", well, usually, about two-thirty in the
morning, you've ended up takin' advantage of yourself, and there ain't no way
around that, y'know, yeah, makin' the scene with a magazine, ain't no way
around it.  I'll confess, y'know, I'm no different, y'know, I'm not weird
about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first, I just, I just kinda
spend a little time with myself.
		-- Tom Waits, "Nighthawks at the Diner"
%
Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best,
Excitable boy, they all said!
And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest,
Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)

He took in the 4am show at the Clark,
Excitable boy, they all said!
And he bit the usherette's leg in the dark,
Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)

He took little Susie to the junior prom,
Excitable boy, they all said!
And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home,
Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy!)

After ten long years they let him out of the home,
Excitable boy, they all said!
And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones,
Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
		-- Warren Zevon, "Excitable Boy"
%
Well, I went to a party, and what did they do?
They took off their socks and they took off their shoes.
They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants,
I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance.

Everybody, everybody's ass was bare,
No bras left, just a queer over there.
But the whole damn thing didn't faze me a bit;
I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit.

My baby's not a sports fan,
But she plays with balls whenever she can.
'Cause her favorite sport you see,
Is playing tonsil hockey.
[chorus]
	Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew;
	Nipple, bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw.
	Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit;
	Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig-lie-in-shit.
		-- Doctor Dirty, "The Eat-Bite Song"
%
Well, I'd left home just a week before,
And I'd never ever kissed a woman before,
But Lola smiled and took me by the hand,
And said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!'
Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man,
But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola.
La, la, la, la-Lola... la, la, la, la-Lola...  Lola.
		-- The Kinks
%
What's the ugliest part of your body?
What's the ugliest part of your body?
Some say your nose,
Some say your toes,
But I think it's your mind.
		-- Frank Zappa, 1965
%
When a man grows old and his balls
	grow cold,			So find me a seat and stand me a drink
And the end of his knob turns blue;	And a tale to you I'll tell
When it's bent in the middle like a	Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
	one-string fiddle,		And the gentle Eskimo Nell.
He can tell a tale or two.

When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
Go out in search of fun,		And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
It's usually Dick who wields the prick	Are sore, depressed, and mad,
And Mexican Pete the gun.		'Tis the cunt that bears the brunt
					So the shooting ain't so bad.
There was rarely a day without a lay
And usually two or three		Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
For Dead-eye Dick, his kingly prick	Had been hunting in Deadman's creek.
Was always like a tree.			And they'd had no luck in the way of
						a fuck
Just a moose or two and a caribou,	For nigh on half a week.
And a bison cow or so;
And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick
This fucking was mighty slow.
		-- The Ballad of Eskimo Nell
%
When ev'rybody's tryin' to sleep,
I'm somewhere makin' my midnight creep.		Chorus:
In the mornin' the rooster crow,	I am a back door man,
Somethin' tells me I got to go.		I am a back door man,
					Well, the men don't know,
They take me to the doctor,		But the little girls understand.
	shot full of holes,
Nurse try to save a soul.
Killed her for murder first degree,
Judge what tried let the man go free.

Stand up, cop's wife cried, don't take him down,
Rather be dead six feet in the ground.
When you come home, you can eat pork and beans,
I eats more chicken than any man's seen.
		-- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man", 1961
%
When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
		-- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
%
when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
in my sleep.
like my grandfather.

not screaming,
like the passengers in his car...
%
When I need something 
To help me unwind
I find a six-foot baby		What kind of guy
With a one-track mind		Does a lot for me
Smart guys are nowhere		Superman
They make demands		With a lobotomy
Give me a moron			My father's out of Harvard
With talented hands		My brother's out of Yale
I go bar-hopping		Well the guy I took home last night
And they say "Last call"	Just got out of jail
I start shopping 		The way he grabbed and threw me
For a Neanderthal		Oooo, it really got me hot
				But the way he growled and bit me
The bigger they come		I hoped he had his shots
The harder I fall
In love till we're done		The bigger they are
Then they're out in the hall	The harder they'll work
				I got a soft spot
				For a good-looking jerk
		-- Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid"
%
When in calling, plain speaking is out;
When the ladies (God bless 'em) are milling about,
You may wet, make water, or empty the glass;
You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass.
It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog
When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog;
But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss
It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
When things go wrong as they usually will,
And your daily road seems all uphill,
When funds are low and debts are high,
When you try to smile, but can only cry --
And you really feel you'd like to quit,
Don't talk to me; I don't give a shit.
%
When you're lying on the bed,
And the thought is in your head,
But the feeling is way down between your legs,
Take your problem in your hand,
And beat it to the band,
And try your best to keep it off the walls.

Don't let your lover tell you,
Don't let anybody sell you,
That the joy of masturbation is a crime.
For I've rid myself of fears,
(I've been doing it for years)
And now I have an erection all the time.
%
... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed
beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and
quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's
wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at
the same time.  Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald
had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all
concerned...
I gan noo wha ma organs gan
When oft I lay abed			I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur
So rither hang me upside doon		That smelt so mooch of sweat
Than by ma empty head.			For she was iver sweet and pure
					And iver her purse was wet.
But old Sir Oswald allus stank
Of horse and hound and dung		So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree
And when I chose to breech his rank	And draw ma innards out
Was barrel to my bung.			That all the wald around may see
					What I have done without.
But ere ye come to draw ma heart
Na do it all so quick			So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry
But prise the arse of Oswald 'part	'Tis all the same to me
And bring me back ma prick.		I canna wait for him to die
					Afore I have a pee.
		-- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
%
While sitting 'neath an oak one morn
In thought on this and that,
A tiny, twitt'ring little bird		"Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift
A load dropped in my hat.		Of music and of wit!
					Why didst thou feel that my best hat
"Thy music gladdens my poor soul,	Was thy best place to shit?"
And brings joy to my heart.
But tell me, little bird divine,	The tiny bird a few notes sang,
Why didst thou not just fart?"		Then answer'd "Pardon me,
					For thy hat I thought was my nest,
I rose and stood in solemn awe		A-fallen from the tree."
His words to better mull,
Then lifted up a paving block
And crushed his fucking skull.
		-- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird"
%
Willie in the cauldron fell;		Willie saw some dynamite,
See the grief on mother's brow;		Couldn't understand it quite;
Mother loved her darling well --	Curiosity never pays:
Willie's quite hard-boiled by now.	It rained Willie seven days.

Little Willie with a shout,		William in a nice new sash,
Gouged the baby's eyeballs out;		Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
Stamped on them to make them pop.	Now, although the room grows chilly,
Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!"	I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.

William with a thirst for gore,		Little Willie mean as hell,
Nailed the baby to the door.		Threw his sister in the well!
Mother said, with humor quaint:		Said his mother when drawing water,
"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint."	'sure is hard to raise a daughter.'
		-- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
%
Willie, looking in the mirror,		Willie with the nursery shears
Sucked the mercury off			Cut off both the baby's ears.
Thinking in his childish error		To the baby so unsightly
It would cure the whooping cough.	Mother raised her eyebrows slightly.

At the funeral his weeping mother	In the family drinking well
Sadly said to Mrs. Brown,		Willie pushed his sister, Nell.
"'Twas a chilly day for Willie		She's there still because it killed her,
When the mercury went down."		Now, we have to buy a filter.
%
You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
That a young man married is a young man marred.
		-- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
%
You say potatoe,
And I say potato.
You say tomatoe,
And I say tomato.
Potatoe, potato,
Tomatoe, tomato.
Let's go be the Vice President...
%
You wanna play the dozens,
Well, the dozens is a game,
But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame!
		-- George Carlin
%
You will always have friends
Some friends will peter out.
But I'll always be your friend,
Peter in or peter out.
%
Your mother's ghost stands at your shoulder
Face like ice, a little bit colder
She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
You learned in school,"
But I don't really see
Why can't we go on as three?
		-- David Crosby, "Triad"
%
Your spooning days are over,
	And your pilot light is out;
When what used to be your sex appeal
	Is now your water spout!
%
Zippity doo dah, zippity ay,
I just gave my sister's cherry away!
To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A.,
Zippity doo dah, zippity ay.
		-- John Valby
%
A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
firm tuft of grass.
		-- Donald A. Metz
%
A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
rough.  Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
uncontrollable physical phenomena.
		-- Donald A. Metz
%
	A boy scout troop went on a hike.  Crossing over a stream, one of
the boys dropped his wallet into the water.  Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
the wallet and tossed it to another carp.  Then that carp passed it to
another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
and forth.
	"Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
of carp-to-carp walleting."
%
A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.  Immediately,
one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
Warden.  After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
Game Warden finally caught up to him.
	"Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped.  The
man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
license.
	"Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
as a box of rocks!  You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
	"Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
there, he don't have one!"
%
A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
%
A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled.  At about 5,000 feet,
still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
same speed as he was going towards the ground.  As they passed each other at
3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
	The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO!  DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
%
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
		-- Yogi Berra
%
A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
"you could blow it in" may be blown in.  This rule does not apply if
the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
to make a travesty of the game.
		-- Donald A. Metz
%
	A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
carrying a shotgun and a dead loon.  "What in the world do you think you're
doing?  Don't you know that the loon is on the endagered species list?"
	Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
which contained twelve more loons.
	"Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
	"Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
	"What's so special about a loon?  What does it taste like?"
	"Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
%
		Accidentally Shot

	Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
in a singular manner.  A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
Colonel's hat.  One shot took effect in his forehead.
		-- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
%
"Ain't that something what happened today.  One of us got traded to
Kansas City."
		-- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
		   been traded.
%
All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
than others.
		-- Alan Truscott
%
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants,
today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
		-- Dave Barry
%
Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the
day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable
interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on
pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin,
and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper.
Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous
material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the
management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion
the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical Gamekeeping."
		-- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
%
Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians.  These people love fast
cars.  But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
		-- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
		   cars across Europe.
%
[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching.
		-- Tris Speaker, 1921
%
Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
		-- Yogi Berra in his rookie season.
%
Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
is my choice for team captain.  Cincinnatti was beating us 3-1, and I led
off the bottom of the eighth with a walk.  The next hitter banged a hard
single to right field.  Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
kept going, sliding safely into third base.
	With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
took off for second and made it.  Now we had runners at second and third.
	I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
start to take a lead.  All of a sudden, here he comes.  He makes a great slide
into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?"  He looks up, and
shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
		-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
%
Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
%
College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty
played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the trustees
played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks,
and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
	COONDOG MEMORY
	(heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)

Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
try out ol' Sis here.  So I turned her out south of the house and she made
two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
something treed.  We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it.  So I pulled off my
coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back.  Now, this dog
is for sale.
		-- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
%
Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule

	Sept 14		Pasadena Junior High
	Sept 21		Boy Scout Troop 049
	Sept 28		Blind Academy
	Sept 30		World War I Veterans
	Oct 5		Brownie Scout Troop 041
	Oct 12		Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
	Oct 26		St. Thomas Boys Choir
	Nov 2		Texas City Vet Clinic
	Nov 9		Korean War Amputees
	Nov 15		VA Hospital Polio Patients
%
Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
whelming majority of the crowd present.  Abusive and obscene language may
not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
(unless struck by a boomerang).
		-- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
%
Don't let go of what you've got hold of, until you have hold of something else.
		-- First Rule of Wing Walking
%
Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:	Black.

Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of
side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath
-- black.  According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
		-- Steve Rubenstein
%
Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
%
Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's bowling alley, and everyone's
rolling strikes?
%
Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
		-- Snoopy
%
Failed Attempts To Break Records
	In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
the world shouting record by two and a half decibels.  "I am not surprised
he failed," his wife said afterwards.  "He's really a very quiet man and
doesn't even shout at me."
	In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
	His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
"People complained I was too noisy," he said.
	In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes.  "It was raining heavily and my
drone got waterlogged," he said.
	A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978.  97,500 dominoes
had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have.  The greatest feeling?
Landing...  Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
%
Football builds self-discipline.  What else would induce a spectator to
sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
%
Football combines the two worst features of American life.
It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
		-- George F. Will, "Men At Work:  The Craft of Baseball"
%
Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets.
		-- Jimmy Breslin
%
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15

	"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
	And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
	Cowboy cheerleaders.
%
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#14
	The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
%
From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
		-- Ad for the new VW Corrado
%
George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address.  "Let
me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
	"Okay," agreed Sam.  "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
	At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!"  Then he looked at
the dog.  The dog looked back.  No sound.  "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
Nothing.  A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
	"Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
yelled at the dog.  "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
	"Don't be silly, George," replied the dog.  "Think of the odds we're
gonna get on Labor Day."
%
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.  Teach a man to fish,
and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
		-- Calvin Keegan
%
Give me a fish and I will eat today.

Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
%
Go directly to jail.  Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
%
Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us
all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for
its wild horses.  I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs
romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any
wild horses in person.  In person, they are like enormous hooved rats.  They
amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses.
We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes.
We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon."
		-- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
%
HARVARD:
Quarterback:
	Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass.  And pass he does, with
a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays....  Though Strewzinksi
has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
Wide Receiver:
	The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
Phil Yip, who is very fast.  Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
fast.  Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
or six times, his average for a game.  Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
those times.
YALE:
Defense:
	On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history.  Also contributing to
the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
out the offensive ethnic joke.  Look for these three to shut down the opening
coin toss.
		-- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
%
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
		-- W. C. Fields
%
How can you think and hit at the same time?
		-- Yogi Berra
%
I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's accomplishments.
The front page has nothing but man's failures.
		-- Chief Justice Earl Warren
%
I believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else in
the world is fixed.
		-- Frank Deford, sports writer
%
I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
		-- Florence Henderson
%
I do not care if half the league strikes.  Those who do will encounter
quick retribution.  All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
the National League for five years.  This is the United States of America
and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
		-- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
		   threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
		   Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis.  The
		   Cardinals backed down and played.
%
I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
win -- or even how you won.
		-- Cash McCall
%
I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
		-- D. Cavett
%
I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
		-- Casey Stengel
%
I like your game but we have to change the rules.
%
I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
		-- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
%
I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
trucks.  But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
%
I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
it took seven others to beat him!
%
I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
after we've been home a long while.
		-- Casey Stengel
%
I would rather say that a desire to drive fast sports cars is what sets
man apart from the animals.
%
I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
%
I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees.  And I want to
thank everyone for making this night necessary.
		-- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
%
I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade.
		-- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees
		   in the shade.
%
I've only got 12 cards.
%
If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop.  The law of
gravity supercedes the law of golf.
		-- Donald A. Metz
%
If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
game right.  If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
		-- Sparky Anderson
%
If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
		-- Doug Larson
%
If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
way they do?
%
	If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
	Both those things sound pretty good to me.
		-- Sparky Anderson
%
If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
%
If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up.  You're
the sucker.
%
If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
		-- Harry Blackstone
%
If you're carrying a torch, put it down.  The Olympics are over.
%
In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries.  Anthropologists call
this a form of primitive self-expression.  In America we call it golf.
%
In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it made the World Series
just something that came later.
		-- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
%
It gets late early out there.
		-- Yogi Berra
%
It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another --
but which one?  Differences are crucial.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
It's like deja vu all over again.
		-- Yogi Berra
%
It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
		-- Grantland Rice
%
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
%
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
%
Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
	(1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
	   straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
	   force is technically termed "car suck").
	(2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
	   than "Watch this!"
	(3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
	   proportional to the cost of hitting it.  For instance, a
	   Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
	   a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
	(4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
	   cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
	   Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
	   in the head and knock you silly.
%
Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
		-- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
%
Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
%
Life is a game.  In order to have a game, something has to be more
important than something else.  If what already is, is more important
than what isn't, the game is over.  So, life is a game in which what
isn't, is more important than what is.  Let the good times roll.
		-- Werner Erhard
%
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
%
Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game.  You want us
to pay income taxes, too?
		-- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
%
Love means nothing to a tennis player.
%
Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive man
picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the air, and
whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first primitive umpire.

What inner force drove this first athlete?  Your guess is as good as
mine.  Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
%
MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives
connected by a thin strand.

Come on, Marta, grow up.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
territory from invasion by another group."

"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh.  Girls are funny.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
	Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
	[So is that punchline.]
%
Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
%
My first baseman is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
Pirates team, which lost 112 games.  After a terrible series against the
New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
	"I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said.  "On any ball hit
to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
		-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
%
My way of joking is to tell the truth.  That's the funniest joke in the world.
		-- Muhammad Ali
%
Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
		-- '76 Olympics
%
Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
%
NEWS FLASH!!
Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West German pole-vault
champion.
%
Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
%
Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game: you can win
or you can lose or it can rain.
		-- Casey Stengel
%
"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
dog] is good for almost every kind of game.  He went duck hunting one time
and did real well at it.  Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
you know, farm ducks.  And it got Don Carlos all mixed up.  Since the
ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something.  So one morning
last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
buried them."  "What do you mean, buried them?"  "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
and put them in the holes.  Then he covered them up with mud except for
their heads.  He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
another one when Tony found him.  We talked about it for a long time.  Papa
said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
know how to build a cage he put them in holes.  He's a smart dog."
		-- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
%
On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
same moment -- halftime.
%
Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem.  You see, during
a portion of Beethovan's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around.  So,
to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
page of the score before the bass cue.  As the basses grew more and more
inebriated, two of them fell asleep.  The conductor grew quite nervous (he
was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
%
One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
%
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
%
Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the
maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out
in case of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty
good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know
for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging
over from, say, right field, to deal with it.  She's been on the team for
three seasons now, but the males still don't trust her.  They know, deep in
their souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without
ever considering whether there were men on base.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
%
P-K4
%
Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame.  Second
baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws.  Other players were
diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch.  At the same time, Guerrero,
at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
Tom Lasorda's stomach.  Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
base like that?  You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
What is it?"
	"I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said.  "First, `I
hope they don't hit the ball to me.'"  The players snickered, and even
Lasorda had to fight off a laugh.  "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
to Sax.'"
		-- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
%
Repel them.  Repel them.  Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
		-- Indiana University football cheer
%
Reporter:   "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
%
Rick:	"How can you close me up?  On what grounds?"
Renault: "I'm shocked!  Shocked!  To find that gambling is going on here."
Croupier (handing money to Renault): "Your winnings, sir."
Renault:"Oh.  Thank you very much."
		-- Casablanca
%
Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
Yogi Berra:  "You mean now?"
%
Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching.  Working once a week,
he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
		-- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
		   from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
		   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
%
Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
		-- Heard on Noahs' ark
%
San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city.  I don't mean the
people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy.  When
they boo you, you know they mean *you*.  Music, that's what it is to me.
One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
		-- George Halas, professional football coach
%
Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
swank hotel in New York.  Most of the major stars of the chess world were
there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment.  In the lobby,
some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
fastest, and the best chess player in the world.  The argument got quite
loud, as various players claimed that honor.  At that point, a security
guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
%
Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
		-- Leo Durocher
%
So I'm ugly.  So what?  I never saw anyone hit with his face.
		-- Yogi Berra
%
Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
the seal is not yet broken.  And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider.
		-- Sky Masterson's Father
%
Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
%
Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
%
Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
shoot some craps.  The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
	When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
entire wad, shook the dice and rolled.  A smile crossed his face as a
seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others.  No one said a
word.  Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
and handed the others to Dutsky.
	"Roll 'em," Lucci said.  "Your point is thirteen."
%
Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
unbelieving dean.  At this point, one of his players happened to enter
the dean's office.  "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in.  "OK, Coach",
the player replied, and was off.  "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
"Yeah", replied the dean.  "He could have just picked up this phone and
called you from here."
%
That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
		-- Bill Veeck
%
The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water.  Eager to show off 
this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
hunting trip.  Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
it to his master.
	"Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
	"Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
%
The Fastest Defeat In Chess
	The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
master.  
	In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
Monsieur Lazard.  Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
of their own homes.
	Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
	1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3
	2: Kt-Q2, P-K4
	3: PxP, Kt-Kt5
	4: P-K6, Kt-K6
	White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
	"Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
you?  They used to be with the Chicago Bears.  The two dudes behind you made
the U.S. Olympic wrestling team.  And for you information, I used to play
center at Notre Dame."
	"Forget it," the customer said.  "I don't want to explain it five
times."
%
The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
them were fishermen.
		-- Arthur Binstead
%
THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the floor.

"Sorry," he said with a smile.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
The one sure way to make a lazy man look respectable is to put a fishing
rod in his hand.
%
	The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen.  You've got to let it
grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
		-- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
%
The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter.  The batter
swang and missed.  The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the
batter connected.  He hit a high fly right to the center fielder.  The
center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his
eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it.
		-- Dizzy Dean
%
The real problem with hunting elephants is carrying the decoys.
%
The surest way to remain a winner is to win once, and then not play any more.
%
The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall.  Philbin is said
to make up for no talent by cheating well.  Says Philbin of his decision
to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
%
The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
that I assume it must be evil.
		-- Heywood Broun
%
The whole of life is futile unless you consider it as a sporting proposition.
%
There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league.  There are
pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
Josh Gibson.  Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
pigmentation of their skin.  They happen to be colored.
		-- Shirley Povich, 1941
%
They also surf who only stand on waves.
%
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
call it the target.
%
Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
		-- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
%
	Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail.  While Bill has a great
deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
%
Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them
whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed
like hours.
	"I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward
the women.  Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel
and went back to where his companion was waiting.
	"Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly.  "One of them's my wife
and the other's my mistress!"
	"I'll ask," said Jim.  He started off, only to turn and come back
before reaching the green.
	"What's wrong?" Bill asked.
	"Small world, isn't it?"
%
We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh.  Josh [Gibson]
comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run behind.  Well,
he hit one.  The Grays waited around and waited around, but finally the
empire rules it ain't comin' down.  So we win.  The next day, we was disputin'
the Grays in Philadelphia when here come a ball outta the sky right in the
glove of the Grays' center fielder.  The empire made the only possible call.
"You're out, boy!" he says to Josh.  "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
		-- Satchel Paige
%
When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
screaming.  Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
himself to destruction.
		-- George Plimpton
%
When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again.  The fans with the cigars and
the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
the street and foreign presidents.  It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
he's in shape.  Old hat.  I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
questions like a senator.
		-- Muhammad Ali
%
When in doubt, lead trump.
%
Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
%
Winning isn't everything.  It's the only thing.
		-- Vince Lombardi
%
Woman:      "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
%
A father doesn't destroy his children.
		-- Lt. Carolyn Palamas, "Who Mourns for Adonais?",
		   stardate 3468.1.
%
A little suffering is good for the soul.
		-- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
%
A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and
licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away.
		-- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
%
A princess should not be afraid -- not with a brave knight to protect her.
		-- McCoy, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.3
%
A star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life, even
his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive.
		-- Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
%
A Vulcan can no sooner be disloyal than he can exist without breathing.
		-- Kirk, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4
%
A woman should have compassion.
		-- Kirk, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
%
Actual war is a very messy business.  Very, very messy business.
		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
%
After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing,
after all, as "wanting."  It is not logical, but it is often true.
		-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
%
Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
%
All your people must learn before you can reach for the stars.
		-- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3259.2
%
Another Armenia, Belgium ... the weak innocents who always seem to be
located on a natural invasion route.
		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.4
%
Another dream that failed.  There's nothing sadder.
		-- Kirk, "This side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
%
Another war ... must it always be so?  How many comrades have we lost
in this way? ...  Obedience.  Duty.  Death, and more death ...
		-- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
%
... bacteriological warfare ... hard to believe we were once foolish
enough to play around with that.
		-- McCoy, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
%
Beam me up, Scotty!
%
Beam me up, Scotty!  It ate my phaser!
%
Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
%
	"Beauty is transitory."
	"Beauty survives."
		-- Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
%
Behind every great man, there is a woman -- urging him on.
		-- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
%
Blast medicine anyway!  We've learned to tie into every organ in the
human body but one.  The brain!  The brain is what life is all about.
		-- McCoy, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4
%
Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
%
But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
%
But it's real.  And if it's real it can be affected ...  we may not be able
to break it, but, I'll bet you credits to Navy Beans we can put a dent in it.
		-- deSalle, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
%
"Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away with
jealousy, greed, hate ..."

"It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment --
the other side of the coin"
		-- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk, "What are Little Girls Made Of?",
		   stardate 2712.4
%
Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
%
Change is the essential process of all existence.
		-- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", stardate 5730.2
%
Compassion -- that's the one things no machine ever had.  Maybe it's
the one thing that keeps men ahead of them.
		-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
%
Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to
serve under them.  Captain, a starship also runs on loyalty to one
man.  And nothing can replace it or him.
		-- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
%
Conquest is easy. Control is not.
		-- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror", stardate unknown
%
Dammit Jim, I'm an actor, not a doctor.
%
Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing.
		-- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
%
Death.  Destruction.  Disease.  Horror.  That's what war is all about.
That's what makes it a thing to be avoided.
		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
%
Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
%
Do you know about being with somebody?  Wanting to be?  If I had the
whole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice.  When I see you, I feel
like I'm hungry all over.  Do you know how that feels?
		-- Charlie Evans, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8
%
Do you know the one -- "All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer
her by ..."  You could feel the wind at your back, about you ...  the
sounds of the sea beneath you.  And even if you take away the wind and
the water, it's still the same.  The ship is yours ... you can feel her
... and the stars are still there.
		-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
%
[Doctors and Bartenders], We both get the same two kinds of customers
-- the living and the dying.
		-- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
%
Each kiss is as the first.
		-- Miramanee, Kirk's wife, "The Paradise Syndrome",
		   stardate 4842.6
%
EARL GREY PROFILES

NAME:		Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
OCCUPATION:	Starship Big Cheese
AGE:		94
BIRTHPLACE:	Paris, Terra Sector
EYES:		Grey
SKIN:		Tanned
HAIR:		Not much
LAST MAGAZINE READ:
		Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
TEA:		Earl Grey.  Hot.

EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
%
Earth -- mother of the most beautiful women in the universe.
		-- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
%
Either one of us, by himself, is expendable.  Both of us are not.
		-- Kirk, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1
%
Emotions are alien to me.  I'm a scientist.
		-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
%
Even historians fail to learn from history -- they repeat the same mistakes.
		-- John Gill, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7
%
Every living thing wants to survive.
		-- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
%
	"Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth."
	"Or by misleading the innocent."
		-- Spock and McCoy, "And The Children Shall Lead",
		   stardate 5029.5.
%
Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing.
		-- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4
%
Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected.
		-- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
%
Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude.
		-- Spock, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
%
First study the enemy.  Seek weakness.
		-- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
%
Four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man.
		-- Klingon Soldier, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
%
	"... freedom ... is a worship word..."
	"It is our worship word too."
		-- Cloud William and Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
%
Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis.  You can't simply say,
"Today I will be brilliant."
		-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
%
	"Get back to your stations!"
	"We're beaming down to the planet, sir."
		-- Kirk and Mr. Leslie, "This Side of Paradise",
		   stardate 3417.3
%
Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
%
He's dead, Jim.
		-- McCoy, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1
%
History tends to exaggerate.
		-- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
%
Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion (love).
		-- Spock, "The Lights of Zetar", stardate 5725.6
%
I am pleased to see that we have differences.  May we together become
greater than the sum of both of us.
		-- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
%
I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to
any question.
		-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
%
I object to intellect without discipline;  I object to power without
constructive purpose.
		-- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
%
I realize that command does have its fascination, even under
circumstances such as these, but I neither enjoy the idea of command
nor am I frightened of it.  It simply exists, and I will do whatever
logically needs to be done.
		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2812.7
%
	"I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now on war
and death --"
	"And make them spend it on life."
		-- Edith Keeler and Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
		   stardate unknown.
%
I thought my people would grow tired of killing.  But you were right,
they see it is easier than trading.  And it has its pleasures.  I feel
it myself.  Like the hunt, but with richer rewards.
		-- Apella, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
%
"I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
		-- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
		   the idea of a doomsday machine.
"I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
		-- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
		   Ellen up a steep incline.
"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
		-- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta.
"I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
		-- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
		   Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise.
"I'm a doctor, not a coalminer."
		-- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2.
"I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
		-- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
		   that Kirk talked strangely.
"I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
		-- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
		   aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
"What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?"
		-- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
		   physical exam to answer the alert.
%
I'm a soldier, not a diplomat.  I can only tell the truth.
		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.9
%
I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life.
		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
%
I've already got a female to worry about.  Her name is the Enterprise.
		-- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
%
If a man had a child who'd gone anti-social, killed perhaps, he'd still
tend to protect that child.
		-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
%
If I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes.
		-- Kirk, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
%
If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad.
		-- Commander Kor, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
%
If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them.
		-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.7
%
Immortality consists largely of boredom.
		-- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
%
In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even vegetarians.
		-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4
%
Insufficient facts always invite danger.
		-- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
%
Insults are effective only where emotion is present.
		-- Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?"  stardate 3468.1
%
Intuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative.
		-- Kirk, "Obsession", stardate 3620.7
%
Is not that the nature of men and women -- that the pleasure is in the
learning of each other?
		-- Natira, the High Priestess of Yonada, "For the World is
		   Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky", stardate 5476.3.
%
Is truth not truth for all?
		-- Natira, "For the World is Hollow and I have Touched
		   the Sky", stardate 5476.4.
%
It [being a Vulcan] means to adopt a philosophy, a way of life which is
logical and beneficial.  We cannot disregard that philosophy merely for
personal gain, no matter how important that gain might be.
		-- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
%
It is a human characteristic to love little animals, especially if
they're attractive in some way.
		-- McCoy, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6
%
It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six.
		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
%
It is necessary to have purpose.
		-- Alice #1, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
%
It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not hers.
		-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
%
It would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable.
		-- Spock, "The Enterprise" Incident", stardate 5027.3
%
It would be illogical to kill without reason.
		-- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
%
It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted.
		-- Yarnek of Excalbia, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
%
	"It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor felt can
do so much harm."
	"That's true.  But an idea can't be seen or felt.  And that's what kept
the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries.  A mistaken idea."
		-- Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5819.0
%
Killing is stupid; useless!
		-- McCoy, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
%
Killing is wrong.
		-- Losira, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
%
Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
%
Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
100% Damage to life support!!!!
%
Knowledge, sir, should be free to all!
		-- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
%
Landru! Guide us!
		-- A Beta 3-oid, "The Return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4
%
Leave bigotry in your quarters; there's no room for it on the bridge.
		-- Kirk, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
%
	"Life and death are seldom logical."
	"But attaining a desired goal always is."
		-- McCoy and Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2821.7
%
Live long and prosper.
		-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
%
	"Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here."
	"You admit that?"
	"To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor"
		-- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown
%
Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes.
		-- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
		   stardate unknown
%
Love sometimes expresses itself in sacrifice.
		-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3220.3
%
Madness has no purpose.  Or reason.  But it may have a goal.
		-- Spock, "The Alternative Factor", stardate 3088.7
%
Many Myths are based on truth
		-- Spock, "The Way to Eden",  stardate 5832.3
%
Men of peace usually are [brave].
		-- Spock, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
%
Men will always be men -- no matter where they are.
		-- Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1329.8
%
Military secrets are the most fleeting of all.
		-- Spock, "The Enterprise Incident", stardate 5027.4
%
Mind your own business, Spock.  I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
%
Most legends have their basis in facts.
		-- Kirk, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5
%
Murder is contrary to the laws of man and God.
		-- M-5 Computer, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
%
No more blah, blah, blah!
		-- Kirk, "Miri", stardate 2713.6
%
No one can guarantee the actions of another.
		-- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
%
No one may kill a man.  Not for any purpose.  It cannot be condoned.
		-- Kirk, "Spock's Brain", stardate 5431.6
%
	"No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war."
	"He talks of peace if it is the only way to live."
		-- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain",
		   stardate 5906.5.
%
No one wants war.
		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
%
No problem is insoluble.
		-- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
%
Not one hundred percent efficient, of course ... but nothing ever is.
		-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
%
Oblivion together does not frighten me, beloved.
		-- Thalassa (in Anne Mulhall's body), "Return to Tomorrow",
		   stardate 4770.3.
%
Oh, that sound of male ego.  You travel halfway across the galaxy and
it's still the same song.
		-- Eve McHuron, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
%
On my planet, to rest is to rest -- to cease using energy.  To me, it
is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass, using energy,
instead of saving it.
		-- Spock, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.2
%
One does not thank logic.
		-- Sarek, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
%
One of the advantages of being a captain is being able to ask for
advice without necessarily having to take it.
		-- Kirk, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.2
%
Only a fool fights in a burning house.
		-- Kank the Klingon, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
%
Our missions are peaceful -- not for conquest.  When we do battle, it
is only because we have no choice.
		-- Kirk, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
%
Our way is peace.
		-- Septimus, the Son Worshiper, "Bread and Circuses",
		   stardate 4040.7.
%
Pain is a thing of the mind.  The mind can be controlled.
		-- Spock, "Operation -- Annihilate!" stardate 3287.2
%
Peace was the way.
		-- Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate unknown
%
Phasers locked on target, Captain.
%
Power is danger.
		-- The Centurion, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
%
Prepare for tomorrow -- get ready.
		-- Edith Keeler, "The City On the Edge of Forever",
		   stardate unknown
%
Punishment becomes ineffective after a certain point.  Men become insensitive.
		-- Eneg, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7
%
Respect is a rational process
		-- McCoy, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
%
Romulan women are not like Vulcan females.  We are not dedicated to
pure logic and the sterility of non-emotion.
		-- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident",
		   stardate 5027.3
%
Schshschshchsch.
		-- The Gorn, "Arena", stardate 3046.2
%
She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n!  The batteries are dead!
%
Sometimes a feeling is all we humans have to go on.
		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9
%
Sometimes a man will tell his bartender things he'll never tell his doctor.
		-- Dr. Phillip Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"),
		   stardate unknown.
%
Space: the final frontier.  These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
		-- Captain James T. Kirk
%
Spock: The odds of surviving another attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
%
Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
%
Star Trek Lives!
%
Suffocating together ... would create heroic camaraderie.
		-- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3142.8
%
Superior ability breeds superior ambition.
		-- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
%
	"That unit is a woman."
	"A mass of conflicting impulses."
		-- Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling", stardate 3541.9
%
The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
		-- Scotty
%
	"The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile."
	"Yes, the philosophy of 'none,' meaning 'all.'"
		-- Spock and Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
%
The face of war has never changed.  Surely it is more logical to heal
than to kill.
		-- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
%
The games have always strengthened us.  Death becomes a familiar
pattern.  We don't fear it as you do.
		-- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses",
		   stardate 4041.2
%
	"The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity."
	"And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and beauty."
		-- Dr. Miranda Jones and Spock, "Is There in Truth No Beauty?",
		   stardate 5630.8
%
The heart is not a logical organ.
		-- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
%
The idea of male and female are universal constants.
		-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
%
The joys of love made her human and the agonies of love destroyed her.
		-- Spock, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5842.8
%
The man on tops walks a lonely street; the "chain" of command is often a noose.
%
The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play.
		-- Kirk, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.8
%
The only solution is ... a balance of power.  We arm our side with exactly
that much more.  A balance of power -- the trickiest, most difficult,
dirtiest game of them all.  But the only one that preserves both sides.
		-- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
%
The people of Gideon have always believed that life is sacred.  That
the love of life is the greatest gift ... We are incapable of
destroying or interfering with the creation of that which we love so
deeply -- life in every form from fetus to developed being.
		-- Hodin of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon", stardate 5423.4
%
... The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when then get
to know each other.
		-- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius", stardate 4372.5
%
	"The release of emotion is what keeps us health.  Emotionally healthy."
	"That may be, Doctor.  However, I have noted that the healthy release
of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you."
		-- McCoy and Spock, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
%
The sight of death frightens them [Earthers].
		-- Kras the Klingon, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
%
The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last.
		-- Miramanee, "The Paradise Syndrome", stardate 4842.6
%
... The things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies, the
the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious
failures and the glorious victories.
		-- McCoy, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
%
There are always alternatives.
		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
%
There are certain things men must do to remain men.
		-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4929.4
%
There are some things worth dying for.
		-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
%
There comes to all races an ultimate crisis which you have yet to face
.... One day our minds became so powerful we dared think of ourselves as gods.
		-- Sargon, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3
%
There is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
		-- Spock, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9
%
There is an old custom among my people.  When a woman saves a man's
life, he is grateful.
		-- Nona, the Kanuto witch woman, "A Private Little War",
		   stardate 4211.8.
%
There is an order of things in this universe.
		-- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
%
There's a way out of any cage.
		-- Captain Christopher Pike, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"),
		   stardate unknown.
%
There's another way to survive.  Mutual trust -- and help.
		-- Kirk, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
%
There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy.  There is
nothing good in war.  Except its ending.
		-- Abraham Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
%
There's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion].  It's just another
life form, that's all.  You get used to those things.
		-- McCoy, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
%
	"There's only one kind of woman ..."
	"Or man, for that matter.  You either believe in yourself or you don't."
		-- Kirk and Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
%
This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function -- you
realize humans are overly preoccupied with the subject.
		-- Kelinda the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4658.9
%
Those who hate and fight must stop themselves -- otherwise it is not stopped.
		-- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
%
Time is fluid ... like a river with currents, eddies, backwash.
		-- Spock, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
%
To live is always desirable.
		-- Eleen the Capellan, "Friday's Child", stardate 3498.9
%
Too much of anything, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing.
		-- Kirk, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6
%
Totally illogical, there was no chance.
		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
%
Uncontrolled power will turn even saints into savages.  And we can all
be counted on to live down to our lowest impulses.
		-- Parmen, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
%
Violence in reality is quite different from theory.
		-- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4
%
Virtue is a relative term.
		-- Spock, "Friday's Child", stardate 3499.1
%
Vulcans believe peace should not depend on force.
		-- Amanda, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.3
%
Vulcans do not approve of violence.
		-- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
%
Vulcans never bluff.
		-- Spock, "The Doomsday Machine", stardate 4202.1
%
Vulcans worship peace above all.
		-- McCoy, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3
%
Wait!  You have not been prepared!
		-- Mr. Atoz, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate 3113.2
%
War is never imperative.
		-- McCoy, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
%
War isn't a good life, but it's life.
		-- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
%
[War] is instinctive.  But the instinct can be fought.  We're human
beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands!  But we
can stop it.  We can admit that we're killers ... but we're not going
to kill today.  That's all it takes!  Knowing that we're not going to
kill today!
		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
%
Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
%
We do not colonize.  We conquer.  We rule.  There is no other way for us.
		-- Rojan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4657.5
%
We fight only when there is no other choice.  We prefer the ways of
peaceful contact.
		-- Kirk, "Spectre of the Gun", stardate 4385.3
%
We have found all life forms in the galaxy are capable of superior
development.
		-- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3211.7
%
We have phasers, I vote we blast 'em!
		-- Bailey, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.2
%
	"We have the right to survive!"
	"Not by killing others."
		-- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye", stardate 5710.5
%
We Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die.  Only the strong
should live.
		-- Kras, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
%
We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
%
We're all sorry for the other guy when he loses his job to a machine.
But when it comes to your job -- that's different.  And it always will
be different.
		-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
%
Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
%
	"What happened to the crewman?"
	"The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely got in
the way."
		-- Kirk and Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer",
		   stardate 4731.3.
%
What kind of love is that?  Not to be loved; never to have shown love.
		-- Commissioner Nancy Hedford, "Metamorphosis",
		   stardate 3219.8
%
	"What terrible way to die."
	"There are no good ways."
		-- Sulu and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
%
When a child is taught ... its programmed with simple instructions --
and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum of
what it was taught, thinks independently.
		-- Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer",
		   stardate 4731.3.
%
When dreams become more important than reality, you give up travel,
building, creating; you even forget how to repair the machines left
behind by your ancestors.  You just sit living and reliving other lives
left behind in the thought records.
		-- Vina, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
%
Where there's no emotion, there's no motive for violence.
		-- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1
%
Witch!  Witch!  They'll burn ya!
		-- Hag, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate unknown
%
Without facts, the decision cannot be made logically.  You must rely on
your human intuition.
		-- Spock, "Assignment: Earth", stardate unknown
%
Without followers, evil cannot spread.
		-- Spock, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5
%
Without freedom of choice there is no creativity.
		-- Kirk, "The return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4
%
Women are more easily and more deeply terrified ... generating more
sheer horror than the male of the species.
		-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4
%
Women professionals do tend to over-compensate.
		-- Dr. Elizabeth Dehaver, "Where No Man Has Gone Before",
		   stardate 1312.9.
%
Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is always a woman.
		-- Kirk, "The Conscience of the King", stardate 2818.9
%
Yes, it is written.  Good shall always destroy evil.
		-- Sirah the Yang, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
%
You are an excellent tactician, Captain.  You let your second in
command attack while you sit and watch for weakness.
		-- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
%
You can't evaluate a man by logic alone.
		-- McCoy, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
%
You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; I've got to have thirty minutes!
%
You Earth people glorified organized violence for forty centuries.  But
you imprison those who employ it privately.
		-- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1
%
You go slow, be gentle.  It's no one-way street -- you know how you
feel and that's all.  It's how the girl feels too.  Don't press.  If
the girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know.
		-- Kirk, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8
%
You humans have that emotional need to express gratitude.  "You're
welcome," I believe, is the correct response.
		-- Spock, "Bread and Circuses", stardate 4041.2
%
You say you are lying.  But if everything you say is a lie, then you are
telling the truth.  You cannot tell the truth because everything you say
is a lie.  You lie, you tell the truth ... but you cannot, for you lie.
		-- Norman the android, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
%
You speak of courage.  Obviously you do not know the difference between
courage and foolhardiness.  Always it is the brave ones who die, the soldiers.
		-- Kor, the Klingon Commander, "Errand of Mercy",
		   stardate 3201.7
%
You!  What PLANET is this!
		-- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
%
You'll learn something about men and women -- the way they're supposed
to be.  Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good
to each other.  That's what we call love.  You'll like that a lot.
		-- Kirk, "The Apple", stardate 3715.6
%
You're dead, Jim.
		-- McCoy, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
%
You're dead, Jim.
		-- McCoy, "The Tholian Web", stardate unknown
%
You're too beautiful to ignore.  Too much woman.
		-- Kirk to Yeoman Rand, "The Enemy Within", stardate unknown
%
Youth doesn't excuse everything.
		-- Dr. Janice Lester (in Kirk's body), "Turnabout Intruder",
		   stardate 5928.5.
%
A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
to have a name.  This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
should be masculine or feminine.
	After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either
Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
	"Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends.  Most of
them looked at him pecularly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
went on their way rather quickly.
	He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
belt in judo.  She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
	The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
asked.
	"Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
masculine."
	"Unhhh...  Well, why not?"
	"Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
it to.  And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say...  `Each Nissan, she
go!'"

	[No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
	martial art.  (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.)  Ed.]
%
Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
%
Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null --
und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
%
Ego sum ens omnipotens.
%
Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
%
Hodie natus est radici frater.
%
Honi soit la vache qui rit.
%
Klatu barada nikto.
%
Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
%
Qvid me anxivs svm?
%
Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
Regnant populi.
%
semper en excretus
%
SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
%
sillema sillema nika su
%
Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
%
Sum quod eris.
%
Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme personne n'ecoute, il faut
toujours recommencer.
		-- A. Gide
%
Verba volant, scripta manent!
%
(10) Not everybody looks good naked.
 (9) Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
 (8) Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
 (7) Fringe!  Fringe!  Fringe!
 (6) If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
 (5) Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
 (4) Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
 (3) A drum solo cannot be too long.
 (2) I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
 (1) We are stardust.  We are golden.  We are going to look really stupid to
	future generations.
		-- David Letterman, Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock
%
A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
	"What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
	"You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
	"What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
	"It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
%
A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods.  The bear looks
over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
	"No."
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
%
A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that
the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war
with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces.  She invited him to come in and
speak to the class.  The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
	"We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above."
At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
	"Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting.  As we
fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing
openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the
German Air Force.
	He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts".
%
	A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled,
"Hi, honey, I'm home."
	There was no response.  He walked through the house and saw a note
on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about
8.  Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when
I get home."
	Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned.  However, his
stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over
from his lunch.  He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the
doorbell ring.  He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired
girl holding out a little paper bag.  "Trick or treat", she said.
	He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he
was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in
the bag.  The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and
complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch.  You broke my cookies!"
%
A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't
going to win any trophies, at least on this course.  On the 3rd hole, after
two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!"
	His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says
nothing.
	On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after
the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!"
	This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting
more and more upset about his language.  Finally, on the 17th hole, he again
misses a very easy putt.  Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the
club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time.  His wife
whirls around and cries, "Honey!  Our daughter is standing right next to you!"
	Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the
daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't
you?"
	"Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger."
%
A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone
and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided
to visit the local pet shop.  The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
could conduct a civilized conversation.  This seemed to be an excellent
idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'"  Silence from the bird.  "Come on now, say
'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
	At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
	Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
in the refrigerator."  Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
	"Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
	Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it!  Ten minutes
in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
	Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving.  Startled, he squawks, "My God,
you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
%
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
replaces it with.
		-- Tennessee Williams
%
A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her
daughter.  When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from
a small girl she played with in the park.  The next day, the mother sought
out the little girl as she played in the park.  "Are you the little girl
who uses bad words?"
	"Who told you?"
	"A little bird," answered the mother.
	"Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl.  "And I've been
feeding the little bastards, too!"
%
After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded
bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on
his way to see his wife.  Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked
on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it.  "Where the hell have
you been?" she blared.  "You busted out more than six hours ago!"
%
As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier than the average asshole
on the street.
		-- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
%
As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch."
%
Ask your boss to reconsider --

It's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.
%
	At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time
stand-up guy.
	Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client.
He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong
path.  Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison
sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted.
	Then the judge turned to Sperling.  "Mr. Sperling, is there anything
you wish to say?"
	"Yes, Your Honor.  If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've
got another think coming.  You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers,
you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
		-- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game"
%
Been through hell?

What did you bring back for me?
%
Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
%
Blow it out your ass!
%
Call things by their right names...  Glass of brandy and water!  That is the
current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
damnation.
		-- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
		   Life of Hall"

	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to logical names.]
%
Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
said, "Winston, you're drunk."  Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew
himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
your ass, you ugly cunt."
	When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
your play can go fuck yourselves."
	At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee."  "And
if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
unhesitating retort.
		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
%
Confucius say too damn much!
%
"Daddy?"

"Yes son."

"Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?"

"Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret
something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done.  And
by the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell
her, `SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'"
		-- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
%
"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional!  A good bartender laughs anyway!"
%
Damn braces.
		-- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
%
DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
%
Damn, I need a Coke!
		-- Dr. William DeVries
		[after implanting the first artificial human heart]
%
"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
sincerely, extremely dangerously.

They used dogs.  They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs.
They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They used
intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used finks.
They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used fallaron.  They
used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints.  They used the
bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile.  They used treachery.
They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.  They used applied physics.
They used techniques of criminology.  And what the hell, they caught him.
		-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
%
Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
		-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
%
DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
		-- The Adventurer
%
During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of
Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London,
Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people.  "I
read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like
that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher
said as he stood on the gallows.  It seems the poor fellow was approached by a
well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described
the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his
misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to
say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz
nuts.'"
		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
%
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance.
%
Eat shit and die a virgin!
%
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool.
		-- Bellamy Brooks
%
Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see 
a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a 
baseball.  Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
	The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach, 
which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed.  The genie said, "I now give
you one wish.  Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
%
Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
licentious, dirty bum!!
%
Fig Newton.
%
Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest.  This cat allowed himself
to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched
by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really
bombed.  And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole
life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit.  He became numero uno
gameplayer.  Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended
and the reality began.  Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man.
Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of
a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend.  In his final
appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to,
Mr. Joe Gideon!!
		-- All That Jazz
%
Fuck art; let's dance!
%
Fuck off and die!
%
Fuck you and anybody who looks like you.
%
Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
%
GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
%
Get your bytes from our backend!
		-- Britton Lee
%
Getting an education at the University of California is like having
$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
%
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
%
Grain grows best in shit.
		-- Ursula K. LeGuin
%
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
%
Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
%
Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to
mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding.  The principal difference
between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep
or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts.  The husbandryman uses
his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past.
Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit.
		-- Tom Robbins
%
Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?

Well, I haven't.  I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
remain so.
		-- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
%
Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm?  Besides drugs, I
mean.  The answer is hot tubs.  A hot tub is a redwood container filled with
water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom
is necessarily your spouse.  After a few hours in their hot tubs,
Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers.  They
don't give a damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce
"Laverne and Shirley" week after week.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
He who hesitates is a damned fool.
		-- Mae West
%
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned  sages, will be known far
and wide as a smart ass.
		-- Howard Kandel
%
"He's not pining, he's passed on!  This parrot won't squawk!  He's
ceased to be!  He's expired, and gone to meet his maker!  It's a
stiff!  No breath of life, he may rest in peace!  If you hadn't nailed
him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies!  He's off the twig!
He's kicked the bucket!  He's curled up his tooties!  He's shuffled off
this mortal world!  He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
Choir Invincible!  HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT!  Vis-a-vi his metabolic
processes is head is lost.  All statements concerning this parrot is no
longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...

		THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
%
Hell's broken loose.
		-- Robert Greene
%
Hell, if you don't try to remake someone, how are they supposed to know
you care?
%
Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue
of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with
the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it
when he saw it.  So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the
suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it
over.  "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until
one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under
an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling
stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was
illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the
court was going to take a nap. 
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
Horsecrap, little brother.  There's always something more to be done.
Another palm to be greased.  Another back to be scratched.  Another
weak sister to be shored up.
		-- J.R. Ewing
%
Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
		-- John Valby
%
I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry.  I really think that three quarters
of it is gibberish.  However, I must crush down these thoughts otherwise the
dove of peace will shit on me.
		-- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
%
I came; I saw; I fucked up.
%
I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off.
		-- Peter Knight
%
	I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
violence.  What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
each other up:
     You: Hello?  Bob?
     Bob: Yes?
     You: This is Ed.  Remember?  The person whose parking space you
          took last Thursday?  Outside of Sears?
     Bob: Oh yes!  Sure!  How are you, Ed?
     You: Fine, thanks.  Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
	  "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..."  No, wait.
	  I mean:  "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
	  and ..."  No, wait.  (Sound of reference book thudding onto
	  the floor.)  S-word.  Excuse me.  Look, Bob, I'm going to
	  have to get back to you.
     Bob: Fine.
		-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
%
I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the money and all the pussy.
		-- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab"
%
I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter.
		-- The Undergraduate
%
"I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!"
		-- Mary Lou Bax
%
I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
%
I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms.  What a giftless
bastard!  It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed
as a genius.  Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius.
		-- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry
%
I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown ...
HEY!  PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT!  I said I think we can
all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. When we take
the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we are happier and less
likely to engage in nuclear war.  This point was driven home by the recent
summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa Gorbachev, each of whose husband
thinks the other's husband is vermin, were able to sit down at a high-level
tea and engage in courteous conversation ...
		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
%
I wouldn't mind dying --

it's that business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
		-- R. Geis
%
I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan.
%
I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail.  I tried to change my
girlfriend's name.  Yeah, I went down to the hall of records.  I said, "I'd
like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!"
		-- Sam Kinison
%
I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year;
and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me
to leave under your tree on Christmas.  I was going to bring you all the
gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here.
The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with
the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight
maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing
weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying.  The
four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge
in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit.  On top of all this, Mrs.
Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled
Christmas for the fifth of February.  I'll do what I can.
		Sincerely,
		Santa
%
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.  Then quit.  No use being a
damn fool about it.
		-- W.C. Fields

[Also attributed to Roy Mengot.  Ed.]
%
If it's not one thing, it's a mother.
%
If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon.
%
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?
%
If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite.
%
	If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
	If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him;
speak well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
	If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
	If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content... but, as
long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
	If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to
the institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason why.
%
If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small
town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning.  Because you're
screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning,
... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the
night.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
In the beginning was the DEMO Project.  And the Project was without form.
And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.  So they spake unto
their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."

And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."
Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying,
"It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none
may abide before it."  And it came to pass that the Directorate Head
spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel
of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength."

And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical
Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is
very strong."  And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the
Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
growth of the Laboratories."

And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good!
%
Inspite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of
only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
%
It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
%
It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing!
%
It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
One of them said, "Wow! What tits!  Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
them for awhile.  What are you doing this afternoon?"

Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
Corps.  "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
%
It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home.
They can kiss that shit goodbye.
%
It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the
frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the
bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me."
	"We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender
answered sternly.
	"OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments."
	The bartender approached the female in question.  "The, uh, gentleman
at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss.  What would
you like?"
	"Vinegar and water."
%
It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean.  It's not listening, you know
what I mean.
		-- David Crosby
%
It's a bitch being butch.
%
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
		-- Andrew Jackson
%
It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
%
It's so fuckin' great to be alive!
%
Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute.
%
Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite.
It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ...
%
Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
Life is like a cucumber -- 

one moment it's in your hand, the next it's up your ass.
%
Life is like a shit sandwich.

The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.
%
Life is not a cabaret.
It's a fucking circus.
%
Life isn't a bitch.  Life is a virgin.  A bitch is easy.
%
Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave.
		-- Louis B. Mayer

The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral was because
they wanted to make sure he was dead.
		-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
		-- Matt Groening
%
Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but
because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the
satisfaction of his death.
		-- Brendan Francis
%
	McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of
the passengers who were injured.
	"You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw
the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour.  What did you
think when you saw this happen ?"
	I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run
a railroad."
%
Me, I love the rich.  *Somebody* has to love them.  Sure, a lot of rich
people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people are assholes too.
And an asshole with money can at least pay for his own drinks.
		-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
%
Megaton Man:	"LOOK at them!  Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
		ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"

(from below):	"Move your ASS, Fat-head!"

Megaton Man:	"It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
%
Moody bitch in search of...
	kind, considerate, loving man.  Objective, love-hate relationship.
%
Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice, good-looking guy to dump on.
%
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
		-- Frank Zappa
%
My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer
dahlias.
		-- William Allen White
%
My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.  He goes around
with his head stuck up his ass.
%
Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane.
		-- Gordon Cooper
%
	"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work!  Why do you think I CAME here?"
	"Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
%
No matter how clever the hardware boys are, the software boys piss it away.
%
Non Illegitimus Carborundum.
	[Don't let the bastards wear you down.]
%
Obscene?  Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but
their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes
because it's obscene.
%
Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
%
Old mercenaries never die.  They go to hell and regroup.
%
	On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
around for a present for his wife.  He knew what she wanted, a
grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one almost
impossible to find.  Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe found
just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver.  Joe, desperate,
paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and staggered out
onto the sidewalk.  On the way home, he passed a bar. Just as he reached
the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe, sending himself,
Joe, and the clock into the gutter.  Murphy's law being in effect, the
clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
	"You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the wreckage.
"Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
	With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
dusted himself off.  "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
normal person?"
%
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
fly south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold,
the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
earth in a barnyard almost frozen.  A cow passed by and crapped on this
little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
warmed him and defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy the little sparrow
began to sing.  Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
chirping investigated the sounds.  As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
%
One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really
a polar bear?"
	"Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies.  "You live at
the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish.  You play on the
ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals.  Of *course* you're
a polar bear.  Why do you ask?"
	"Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!"
%
Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing
to go through hell to get it.
%
Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
%
People who write position papers often find themselves in an
enviable position.  They are hired to write papers for both sides of the
position.
	A good position paper will have many words in it like
"superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification."
	You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase
limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper.
	Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in
position papers.  They should look complicated enough to make Albert
Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
	A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a
semicolon.
		-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
%
People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.
		-- Peter Sellers
%
Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well anyhow
and is certainly a damn fool.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
Shit happens.
%
	Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a
certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his
own.  Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I
care for neither your politics nor your moustache."  Unabashed, the young
statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my
dick."
	While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
 "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
	Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
upcoming conference in Yalta.  At the appointed hour, the President was
wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
had not finished bathing.  Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
you staring at, homo?"
		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
%
Silence can be the biggest lie of all.  We have a responsibility to speak
up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
raise bloody hell.
		-- Herbert Block
%
So you fucked up... you trusted us!
		-- Animal House
%
Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us,
and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass.
%
Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians
fucked the buffalo.
%
Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck."
		-- Risky Business
%
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your
editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
		-- Mark Twain
%
Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard.
%
Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant.  "I've
got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there.
If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for
life."
	Then the store owner left for lunch.  When he returned, he was shocked
to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding.
	"My God, what happened to you?"
	"I sold the suit!  I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile
on his bloodied lips.
	"Congratulations," the haberdasher said.  "You've got the job.  But
what happened?  Did the customer start a fight?"
	"Oh, no," the new salesman replied.  "But his Seeing Eye dog was
*pissed*."
%
The best number for a dinner party is two--myself and a damn good head waiter.
		-- Nubar Gulbenkian
%
The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward.
They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said
there.  Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity.
	One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said
to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?"
	Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said,
"You must mean _faux_pas_."
	"The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass."
	Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French
phrase -- it means a social blunder.  Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came
for dinner?  Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the
roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn.  It was bleeding quite
a bit so Mother brought him in the house.  They went into the bathroom together
and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner
table.  Remember all that, Ed?"
	"Yeh."
	"Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass
the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?'  The gravy
bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all
over everyone.  And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered,
'Sheee-itt!'  You remember that?"
	"Yeh."
	"Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_."
%
The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck".
%
	The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had
made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her
footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the
reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting,
madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore."
	"You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight
every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it."
	"Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut
the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that."
		-- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
%
The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition.  The Cabinet sent
for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice.  He instantly replied,
"Send Lord Combermere."
	"But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
Combermere a fool."
	"So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
		-- G.W.E. Russell
%
The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
		-- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
%
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.
%
... the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
freshman English at a Midwestern university.
		-- Tom Wolfe
%
The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
when called upon.
	However...
When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
%
The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
New Hampshire-Vermont border.  One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
	"Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply.  "I don't think I could have
taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
%
The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill.
		-- Mike O'Dell
%
The only way you'll ever hear from me is if you're living in the same hell.
		-- Roy Harper
%
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.  And littered with
sloppy analysis!
%
	THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION

	 (1) WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks.  The tongue
	     is loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain.  In the
	     "witty and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms
	     and phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "Now way, Jose,"
	     or "Bullsheyet".
	 (2) RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the
	     little 380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.
	 (3) BENEVOLENT:  You'll buy her a Mercedes, too.  It's only money.
	 (4) JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT:  Stall tactic.
	 (5) TO HELL WITH DINNER:  Just one more and then we'll eat.
	 (6) PATRIOTIC:  The war stories begin.
	 (7) CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY":  "We could have won in Nam, but..."
	 (8) INVISIBLE:  So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like.
	 (9) WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for
	     a fat girl.
	(10) BULLETPROOF:  Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.
		-- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son
		   of a Gun".
%
The time has come for kicking ass and taking names.
%
	The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner
threatened to spread to adjoining homes.  Just then, a truck filled with
farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire.  The crowd moved
back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames.  The workers
jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the
blaze under control.
	The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they
gave each a plaque and $1000.  After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the
driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money.
	"You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied,
"is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!"
%
The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
%
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
%
There is always more hell that needs raising.
		-- Lauren Leveut
%
There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables.  Won a
little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc.  Prayed for help.
A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..."   Man looked around; nobody
there.  What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..."  Played red again, and
it won again.  The voice said, "Impair..."  Played odd, and it won.  Voice
said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won.  This went
on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
his money on what the voice said, and winning.  Finally when the voice
spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
quit.  The voice was inexorable: "Douze..."  The man put the money on 12,
and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
%
There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and
treat them as victims of social circumstance.  You buy that, you pay with your
soul.  It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's
not whites who limit blacks.  What limits people is lack of character.  What
limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star
in their own movie, let alone direct it.
		-- Bernard Mickey Wrangle
%
They ought to make butt-flavored cat food.
		-- Gallagher
%
This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are
really bothering him.  The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells
him to come back in a week for a checkup.  "How's it going?" he asks
the patient a week later.
	"I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man.  "For all the
good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass."
%
This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller:

Man:	"I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
Teller:	"Excuse me, sir?"
M:	"Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
T:	"Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language."
M:	"LOOK!  I just want to open a fuckin' savings account."
T:	"Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager."

The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank
manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth.

Mgr:	"Can I help you, sir?"
M:	"I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
Mgr:	"Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request
	that you not use abusive language to our tellers."
M:	"Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to
	open a fuckin' savings account!"
Mgr:	"I see.  And has this cunt been giving you any trouble?"
%
This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
%
Today is gonna be one helluva week!
%
Tomorrow never comes!  It's all the same fuckin' day, man!
		-- Janis Joplin
%
	Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to
swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say
`ass' and I'll say `hell'".
	All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their
mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
	"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother
backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and
turns to the younger brother.  "What'll you have?"
	"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it
ain't gonna be Cheerios."
%
Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering 
the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the 
mortuary, and the mortician began work.  When he had unclothed the corpse, he 
noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well, 
hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung.  He put the cork back, and 
the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're 
lookin' swell, Dolly!".  Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he 
come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally 
the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop.  When he got there, he 
said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at 
this ungodly hour?" 
	The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
	They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now 
watch."
	He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
partner looks at him disgustedly and says:  "You brought me down here at
three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"?
%
VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
%
"Water?  Never touch the stuff!  Fish fuck in it."
		-- W. C. Fields
%
We aren't what we eat.  We are what we don't shit.
		-- Hugh Romney
%
We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
%
We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!
		-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
%
We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass
no matter how self-seeking.
		-- F. G. Withington
%
Well, now that SUN's in bed with AT&T, I sure hope she sleeps with her
back to the wall.
		-- Guy Harris, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems

Eat shit and die.  Strong memo to follow.
		-- Mike O'Dell, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
%
	Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).  Anyway, he just felt
so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS
THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
	And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no
one is mightier than you."
	A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
	The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
	The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
	Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
	The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man,
you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!"
%
Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner.
She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said,
"Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..."  Needless to
say, she was surprised at the butcher's language!  The butcher, who was
reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly
justified himself.  "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here
ham is "Damn ham".  Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham."
	That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and
explained what had happened at the butcher shop.  He also was amused, and
suggested that they play a joke on their son.  So, at dinner, after grace,
the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
	Their son looked up, surprised.  "WHOAH!  Dad be gettin' hip!
How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
%
What the fuck, over?
%
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
%
When the shit hits the fan, keep your mouth shut!
%
Where the hell is Wall Drug?
%
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
		-- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
%
Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
%
Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
		-- Jimmy Durante
%
Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks.
%
Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
		-- Robert Byrne
%
Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
a handshake, and have fun.
		-- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
		   shortly before dying at the age of 86.
%
Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed
problem down the hall?
%
Yesterday is a memory,
	Tomorrow is a vision,
		Today is a bitch!
%
You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel,
and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking,
thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch.
%
You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide.
%
You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
		-- Frederick B. Artz
%
You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today.
%
You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact.  And the Beatles
are the biggest bastards on earth.
		-- John Lennon
%
"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently."
		-- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
%
You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but you sure as hell can
tell how much it's going to cost.
%
You see that fucking fish?  If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got
caught.
		-- Sam Giancana
%
You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass.
%
(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
(2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
(3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
(4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
	the social ramble ain't restful.
(5) Avoid running at all times.
(6) Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
		-- S. Paige, c. 1951
%
A clash of doctrine is not a disaster -- it is an opportunity.
%
A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now.  But the
sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
		-- Stanislaw Lem
%
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated.  But an authentic soothsayer should
be shot on sight.  Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
		-- R.A. Heinlein
%
A halted retreat
Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
To retain people as men -- and maidservants
Brings good fortune.
%
A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
%
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I
believe everything positively stinks.
		-- Lew Col
%
A man said to the Universe:
	"Sir, I exist!"
	"However," replied the Universe,
	"the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
		-- Stephen Crane
%
A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
	"It is right before your eyes," said the master.
	"Why do I not see it for myself?"
	"Because you are thinking of yourself."
	"What about you: do you see it?"
	"So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
	"When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
	"When there is neither `I' nor `You',
who is the one that wants to see it?"
%
A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey.  "It is out on
loan," the teacher replied.  At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
the stable.  "But I can hear it bray, over there."  "Whom do you believe,"
asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
%
A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. 
Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
%
A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
	And the Master answered:
	It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
	It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City
to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns
have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
	And that is Fate?  said the priest.
	Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
	That's all right, said the priest.  I wanted to know
what Freight was too.
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
A sad spectacle.  If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
		-- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
%
A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
vocation?"
	The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
their minds.  Others must use thier strong backs, legs and hands.  This is
the same in nature as it is with man.  Some animals acquire their food easily,
such as rabbits, hogs and goats.  Other animals must fiercely struggle for
their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants.  So you see, the nature of
the vocation must fit the individual.
	"But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
scholar sobbed.
	Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
%
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
		-- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H."
%
A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side.  Knowing
that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
watched the teacher closely.  "Why do you blow on your hands?"  "To warm
myself in the cold."  Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
and the newcomer, and blew on his own.  "Why are you doing that, Master?"
"To cool the soup."  Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
%
Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, 
Or what's a heaven for ?
		-- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
%
All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
		-- Dante Alighieri
%
All men know the utility of useful things;
but they do not know the utility of futility.
		-- Chuang-tzu
%
All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
		-- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
%
All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
		-- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
%
An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God.  Some of these eyes
we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible.
		-- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
%
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
%
	An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
I have not been enlightened.  What should I do?"
	Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
		-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
%
And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the
hour of separation.
		-- Kahlil Gibran
%
Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
big field of rye and all.  Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
nobody big, I mean -- except me.  And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
cliff.  What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them.  That's all I'd do
all day.  I'd just be the catcher in the rye.  I know it;  I know it's crazy,
but that's the only thing I'd really like to be.  I know it's crazy.
		-- J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
%
	Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
preaching to a group of disciples.
	"Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
the absolute reality of --"
	"Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
	Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
vaporized.
	On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
with the spirit of the morning.
	"Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
"Thou art That..."
	"Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
	Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
and he vaporized.
	Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
	"US?" snapped Hakuin.
	Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
Governor, and he vaporized.
	Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
his shotgun.  "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
%
Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
		-- Muad'dib, "Dune"
%
As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
the meaning of existence.  Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
		-- Joseph Brodsky
%
At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
my soul.  At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
ignorance upon the shore.
		-- Kahlil Gibran
%
At the end of your life there'll be a good rest, and no further activities
are scheduled.
%
At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
The image of Providing Nourishment.
Thus the superior man is careful of his words
And temperate in eating and drinking.
%
Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
		-- Jean Anouilh
%
	Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
	took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of
his followers.
	One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
	"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile?  What is your
Purpose in Life, anyway?"
	Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU".  (The
Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
	Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
	Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
		-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
%
Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to
know the answers.
		-- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
%
Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no
wiser.  But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.
		-- The Mahabharata
%
By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
		-- Titus Lucretius Carus
%
Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
		-- Howard Chaykin
%
Certainly the game is rigged.

Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
		-- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
%
Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
		-- Anatole France
%
			Chapter 1

The story so far:

	In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot
of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
		-- Douglas Adams?
%
	"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which way I
ought to go from here?"
	"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
	"I don't care much where--" said Alice.
	"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
%
Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
		-- Herodotus
%
Coincidences are spiritual puns.
		-- G.K. Chesterton
%
Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
		-- Erma Bombeck
%
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
%
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
		-- R. Geis
%
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
%
Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
%
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
%
Death is only a state of mind.

Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
%
Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
%
Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help
the rabbit.
		-- R.E. Shay
%
Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
		-- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
%
Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
		-- Chinese proverb
%
Ditat Deus.
	[God enriches]
%
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
%
Do not despair of life.  You have no doubt force enough to overcome your
obstacles.  Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night
for something to satisfy his hunger.  Notwithstanding cold and hounds and
traps, his race survives.  I do not believe any of them ever committed suicide.
		-- Henry David Thoreau
%
Do not seek death; death will find you.  But seek the road which makes death
a fulfillment.
		-- Dag Hammarskjold
%
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
%
Do what you can to prolong your life, in the hope that someday you'll
learn what it's for.
%
	"Do you think there's a God?"
	"Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"
		-- Calvin and Hobbs
%
Do your part to help preserve life on Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
%
Don't abandon hope.  Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
%
Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
%
Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
		-- Baretta
%
Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
%
Don't kid yourself.  Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
%
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
%
Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
%
Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
%
Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
%
Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
		-- Paul Tillich, German theologian.
%
Down with categorical imperative!
%
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
and captain of your soul.
%
During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a fair wind; batten
down during a storm; hail all passing ships; and fly your colors proudly.
%
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  My advice to you is to have
nothing whatever to do with it.
		-- W. Somerset Maughm, his last words
%
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
%
Each of us bears his own Hell.
		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
%
Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
		-- Groucho Marx's last words
%
Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged.  The natural
inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
		-- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
%
Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
drawn them there.  What you choose to do with them is up to you.
		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
Everything ends badly.  Otherwise it wouldn't end.
%
Everything in this book may be wrong.
		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
Everything is possible.  Pass the word.
		-- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
%
Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
		-- Marcus Aurelius
%
Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
%
Facts are the enemy of truth.
		-- Don Quixote
%
Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
		-- Sir Walter Raleigh
%
Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
%
Faith is under the left nipple.
		-- Martin Luther
%
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
%
... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
"I" do not matter.  No word matters.  But man forgets reality and remembers
words.  The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
knows them in the naming.
		-- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
%
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
%
For good, return good.
For evil, return justice.
%
For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in
despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the
implacable grandeur of this life.
		-- Albert Camus
%
For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
%
Force has no place where there is need of skill.
		-- Herodotus
%
FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
	Never goose a wolverine.
%
FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
	Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
%
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
%
From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
		-- Bertolt Brecht
%
Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
		-- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
%
Getting into trouble is easy.
		-- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
%
Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
%
Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
		-- William Faulkner
%
God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
%
God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions.
		-- De Caussade
%
God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
		-- Alfred Jarry
%
God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
		-- Paul Valery
%
Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.
		-- George Saunders' dying words
%
Goodbye, cool world.
%
Got a dictionary?  I want to know the meaning of life.
%
Great acts are made up of small deeds.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
****  GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE

For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos. Tired of
being genuine all the time?  Would you like to learn how to be a little
phony again?  Have you disclosed so much that you're beginning to avoid
people? Have you touched so many people that they're all beginning to
feel the same? Like to be a little dependent? Are perfect orgasms
beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once, not to express a
feeling?  Or better yet, not be in touch with it at all?  Come to us.  We
promise to relieve you of the burden of your great potential.
%
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
%
Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
%
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
		-- Oscar Levant
%
Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
		-- Socrates
%
He has shown you, o man, what is good.  And what does the Lord ask of you,
but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly before your God?
%
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
%
He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
		-- Sir Richard Burton
%
He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
		-- B. Franklin
%
He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
slashing his abdomen with a knife.  Just as the pupil was about to comply,
the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
		-- Eric Van Lustbader
%
He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
the human condition is a fool.
		-- Albert Camus
%
He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant.  Teach him.
He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool.  Shun him.
He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep.  Wake him.
%
He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
	he knows something.  Or something like that.
%
He who knows others is wise.
He who knows himself is enlightened.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
He who knows, does not speak.  He who speaks, does not know.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
	...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
does he hate it.  Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
self-propagating.
		-- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
%
Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
if you're alive, it isn't.
%
How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
in the waking state?
		-- Plato
%
I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
		-- William Allen White
%
I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives.  I don't see why
I should have to believe in it in this one.
		-- Strange de Jim
%
I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or
whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
		-- Chuang-tzu
%
I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
I ask nothing but sincerity.  If they come out of habit, they become tiresome.
		-- I Ching
%
"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."
		-- Gotama Buddha
%
I hate dying.
		-- Dave Johnson
%
I have a simple philosophy:

	Fill what's empty.
	Empty what's full.
	Scratch where it itches.
		-- A. R. Longworth
%
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
I hope you're not pretending to be evil while secretly being good.
That would be dishonest.
%
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
%
I know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a
living death?
		-- St. Augustine
%
	"I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
otherwise.'"
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
%
If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a
guru at all?
		-- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
%
If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his
reverence for all of life.
		-- Albert Schweitzer
%
If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
Trouble creates a capacity to handle it.  I don't say embrace trouble; that's
as bad as treating it as an enemy.  But I do say meet it as a friend, for
you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
		-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
%
If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time.  I
would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
trip.  I know of very few things I would take seriously.  I would be crazier.
I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets.  I'd
travel and see.  I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
and sanely, hour after hour, day after day.  Oh, I have had my moments and,
if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them.  In fact, I'd try to
have nothing else.  Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
years ahead each day.  I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
lighter than I have.  If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall.  I would play hooky
more.  I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more.  I would
ride on more merry-go-rounds.  I'd pick more daisies.
%
If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
you've got in the house.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
If men are not afraid to die,
it is of no avail to threaten them with death.

If men live in constant fear of dying,
And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
Who will dare to break the law?

There is always an official executioner.
If you try to take his place,
It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
	you will only hurt your hand.
		-- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
%
If something has not yet gone wrong then it would ultimately have been
beneficial for it to go wrong.
%
If the master dies and the disciple grieves, the lives of both have
been wasted.
%
If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
		-- Anatole France
%
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
%
If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
of this life.
		-- Albert Camus
%
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
%
If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
		-- John Sinclair
%
If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
If you are for yourself, then what are you?
If not now, when?
%
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
%
If you find a solution and become attached to it, the solution may become
your next problem.
%
If you fool around with something long enough, it will eventually break.
%
If you have to hate, hate gently.
%
If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
%
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
%
If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
		-- Simone de Beauvoir
%
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
		-- Maslow
%
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
%
If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
%
If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having done its damage.
If it was bad, it will be back.
%
If you want divine justice, die.
		-- Nick Seldon
%
If your aim in life is nothing, you can't miss.
%
If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do
have a problem.
		-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
%
Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
		-- Voltaire
%
Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
		-- Edgar A. Shoaff
%
In dwelling, be close to the land.
In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
In speech, be true.
In work, be competent.
In action, be careful of your timing.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
you're what's left.
%
In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
It is not always an easy sacrifice.
%
In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
		-- Ann Frank
%
In the long run we are all dead.
		-- John Maynard Keynes
%
In the next world, you're on your own.
%
Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
		-- M.D. Epstein
%
Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
		-- Edgar W. Howe
%
Intellect annuls Fate.
So far as a man thinks, he is free.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
%
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
lightly greased.
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
%
It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
that makes life blessed.
		-- Goethe
%
It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
at all.  And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
is the only thing that makes the result come true.
		-- William James
%
It is only with the heart one can see clearly; what is essential is
invisible to the eye.
		-- The Fox, 'The Little Prince"
%
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the lowly
ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as high as the eagle?
%
It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the
devil when he is the only explanation of it.
		-- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
%
It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works
and has his being.
		-- Thomas Carlyle
%
It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
%
It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
		-- Washlesky
%
It's hard to drive at the limit, but it's harder to know where the limits are.
		-- Stirling Moss
%
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
%
	"It's today!" said Piglet.
	"My favorite day," said Pooh.
%
It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never know when everything may
suddenly stop happening.
%
Joshu:	What is the true Way?
Nansen:	Every way is the true Way.
J:	Can I study it?
N:	The more you study, the further from the Way.
J:	If I don't study it, how can I know it?
N:	The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
	It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown.  Do
	not seek it, study it, or name it.  To find yourself on it, open
	yourself as wide as the sky.
%
Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.
		-- Buckaroo Bonzai
%
Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
		-- Muad'dib [Frank Herbert, "Dune"]
%
Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness.
		-- James Thurber
%
Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
%
Life exists for no known purpose.
%
Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
		-- Helen Keller
%
Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
%
Life is like a 10 speed bicycle.  Most of us have gears we never use.
		-- C. Schultz
%
Life is like a sewer.  What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
		-- Tom Lehrer
%
Life is the childhood of our immortality.
		-- Goethe
%
Life is the living you do, Death is the living you don't do.
		-- Joseph Pintauro
%
Life is the urge to ecstasy.
%
Life may have no meaning, or, even worse, it may have a meaning of which
you disapprove.
%
Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
		-- Dag Hammarskjold
%
Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
		-- Thomas J. Kopp
%
Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be?  And if, y'know,
if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I?  And if not
now, like I dunno, maybe like when?  And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
like the Rolling Stones?
		-- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
		   attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
%
Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat like having bees
live in your head.  But, there they are.
%
Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
%
Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
pain and his aloneness without regret?
		-- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
%
Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
%
[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
		-- S. Kierkegaard
%
Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly.  An aide once asked him
how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
%
	Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do,
and how to be, I learned in kindergarten.  Wisdom was not at the top of the
graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
	These are the things I learned:  Share everything.  Play fair.  Don't
hit people.  Put things back where you found them.  Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.   Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
Wash your hands before you eat.  Flush.  Warm cookies and cold milk are good
for you.  Live a balanced life.  Learn some and think some and draw and paint
and sing and dance and play and work some every day.
	Take a nap every afternoon.  When you go out into the world, watch for
traffic, hold hands, and stick together.  Be aware of wonder.  Remember the
little seed in the plastic cup.   The roots go down and the plant goes up and
nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.  Goldfish and
hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all
die.  So do we.
	And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you
learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK.  Everything you need to know is in
there somewhere.  The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation.  Ecology and
politics and sane living.
	Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world
-- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with
our blankets for a nap.  Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other
nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own
messes.  And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into
the world it is best to hold hands and stick together.
		-- Robert Fulghum, "All I ever really needed to know I learned
		   in kindergarten"
%
Murphy was an optimist.
%
Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
%
Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
with our frail and feeble mind.
		-- Albert Einstein
%
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
		-- Christopher Morley
%
Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity.  The servant said
"My master is out."  Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he
goes out, he should not leave his face at the window.  Someone might steal it."
%
Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
gathered around to hear what had passed.  "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
only want to say that the King spoke to me."  All the villagers but the
stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news.  The remaining villager
asked, "What did the King say to you?"  "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
were spoken to.
%
Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve
him.  Nasrudin said, "First things first.  Did you see me walk into your
shop?"
	"Of course."
	"Have you ever seen me before?"
	"Never."
	"Then how do you know it was me?"
%
Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
than the sun."
	"Why?", he was asked.
	"Because at night we need the light more."
%
Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from his
hand.  As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!  You
have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
%
Ninety percent of everything is crap.
		-- Theodore Sturgeon
%
Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.
The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.
		-- Augustine
%
No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
		-- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
%
No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
%
No use getting too involved in life -- you're only here for a limited time.
%
Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
%
Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
		-- E.M. Forster
%
Normal times may possibly be over forever.
%
Not every question deserves an answer.
%
Nothing in life is to be feared.  It is only to be understood.
%
Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
	Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
		Or as finished as it seems in the end.
%
Nothing is but what is not.
%
Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
%
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
		-- Michel de Montaigne
%
Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
		-- Arthur Balfour
%
Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
to know so much and have control over nothing.
		-- Herodotus
%
Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
		-- H.R. Haldeman
%
	Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
crystal river.  Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
resisting the current what each had learned from birth.  But one creature
said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going.  I shall
let go, and let it take me where it will.  Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
	The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool!  Let go, and that current
you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
die quicker than boredom!"
	But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.  Yet, in time,
as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
	And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
a miracle!  A creature like ourselves, yet he flies!  See the Messiah, come
to save us all!"  And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
Messiah than you.  The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
	But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
		-- Richard Bach
%
Once you've tried to change the world you find it's a whole bunch easier
to change your mind.
%
	One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
an enlightened state.  Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
went to speak with him.
	"We have heard that you are enlightened.  Is this true?" his fellow
students inquired.
	"It is", Kyogen answered.
	"Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
	"As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
%
One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
truth.  A gallows was erected in front of the city gates.  A herald announced,
"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
which will be put to him."  Nasrudin was first in line.  The captain of the
guard asked him, "Where are you going?  Tell the truth -- the alternative
is death by hanging."
	"I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
	"I don't believe you."
	"Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
	"But that would make it the truth!"
	"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
%
One learns to itch where one can scratch.
		-- Ernest Bramah
%
One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
%
One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How will it
live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, I'll tell you."
%
Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
		-- Baba Ram Dass
%
Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about
can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.
		-- Laurie Anderson
%
Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but
when there is no longer anything to take away.
		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
%
Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
%
Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
		-- John Keats
%
Push where it gives and scratch where it itches.
%
Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
%
Reality does not exist -- yet.
%
Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
		-- Patrick Sky
%
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
%
Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
		-- Alvy Ray Smith
%
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
%
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
	-- Lily Tomlin
%
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".
		-- Philip K. Dick
%
Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
the first one.
		-- Confusion
%
Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
%
Seeing is believing.  You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
%
Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
burst out in laughter.
		-- Long Chen Pa
%
So little time, so little to do.
		-- Oscar Levant
%
Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
		-- Seneca
%
Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
%
Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
no means the only 'certain' standard.  If you mistake what is relative for
something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
		-- Chuang Tzu
%
Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
The Path there is, but none who travel it.
		-- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
%
Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes
a-begging.
		-- Martin Luther
%
Take your dying with some seriousness, however.  Laughing on the way to
your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,
and they'll call you crazy.
		-- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
%
That that is is that that is not is not.
%
That, that is, is.
That, that is not, is not.
That, that is, is not that, that is not.
That, that is not, is not that, that is.
%
The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
		-- A. Camus
%
The best you get is an even break.
		-- Franklin Adams
%
"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."
		-- G. Fitch
%
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
		-- Eric Sevareid
%
The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
		-- Alfred Adler
%
The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
%
The door is the key.
%
The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
own capacity. ...  Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
of the center.  Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
what they could do to repay his kindness.  They had noticed that, whereas
everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
so on, Chaos had none.  So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
in him.  Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
		-- Chuang Tzu
%
The farther you go, the less you know.
		-- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
%
The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
		-- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
%
The first requisite for immortality is death.
		-- Stanislaw Lem
%
The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
		-- Sophocles
%
The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
		-- Marcus Terentius Varro
%
The major sin is the sin of being born.
		-- Samuel Beckett
%
The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
and tragedy.  What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
master calls a butterfly.
		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and
robbers there will be.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
%
The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
%
The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably
not true.  It is the chief occupation of mankind.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
%
The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
experience it as such.  Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid.  Whoever
could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
swift.  Thinking of oneself gives little happiness.  If, however, one feels
much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
oneself but of one's ideal.  This is far, and only the swift shall reach
it and are delighted.
		-- Nietzsche
%
The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
and the pessimist knows it.
		-- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"

Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
almost gently.  The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
		-- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
%
The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases:
"Let our thoughts be correct".
		-- Confucius
%
The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
		-- C. Glymour.
%
The questions remain the same.  The answers are eternally variable.
%
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but
that's the way to bet.
		-- Damon Runyon
%
The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits,
but not when it misses.
		-- Francis Bacon
%
The savior becomes the victim.
%
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
%
The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
		-- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
%
The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height
but just above the ground.  It seems more designed to make people stumble
than to be walked upon.
		-- Franz Kafka
%
The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
		-- Stanley Kubrick
%
The truth you speak has no past and no future.  It is, and that's all it
needs to be.
%
The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
		-- Baba Ram Dass
%
There are no winners in life, only survivors.
%
There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of
discovering them over and over and over.
		-- David Nichols
%
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
		-- Mahatma Gandhi
%
There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.
		-- Cato
%
There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
		-- George Santayana
%
There is no sin but ignorance.
		-- Christopher Marlowe
%
There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.
	"And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with
an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.
	"I could have answered it if I had been there."
	"Very well.  He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
the middle of the night?'"
%
There's only one everything.
%
To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
%
To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
%
To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
%
To have died once is enough.
		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
%
To lead people, you must follow behind.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
Truth has no special time of its own.  Its hour is now -- always.
		-- Albert Schweitzer
%
Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
%
Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
of him that brought her birth.
		-- Milton
%
Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate.  The first man said,
"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said,
"He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour
trying to bite his own ear.  He succeeded only in falling over and bruising
his forehead.  Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the
man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and
the case is dismissed.  If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it
and must pay three silver pieces."
%
Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
with all due respect for their breakfast.  "I wonder why it is that
toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
	"Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing.  Look
at this."  And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
dry side.
	"So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
	"What am I to say?  You obviously buttered the wrong side."
%
Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
		-- Euripides
%
We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
		-- Yates
%
We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
		-- Margaret Mead
%
We have only two things to worry about:  That things will never get
back to normal, and that they already have.
%
We have reason to be afraid.  This is a terrible place.
		-- John Berryman
%
We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
%
We're all in this alone.
		-- Lily Tomlin
%
We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
but those are only handicaps.  Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
then, we do our best.  A few times we succeed.  What more dare we ask for?
		-- Ensign Flandry
%
"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
desert, in this marvelous time.  I wanted to convince you that you must
learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
		-- Don Juan
%
	Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
	Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen.  In it his mind floated freely,
able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
undistracted by any outside disturbances.  Logical structures no longer
inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
not evident to ordinary vision.  Like beads strung on a string of their own
meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
all.  Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
all others.  And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
	Time passed, unheeded.
	Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
		-- Wayfarer
%
Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.
		-- Buckaroo Banzai
%
"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no
wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred."
		-- The Mahabharata.
%
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
		-- Nietzsche
%
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
to compare it with.
%
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
		-- Ursula K. LeGuin
%
What we Are is God's gift to us.
What we Become is our gift to God.
%
Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.
		-- Gandhi
%
When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson,
%
When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is
metaphysics.
		-- Voltaire
%
When the wind is great, bow before it;
when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
%
When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
your parents' limitations...  At the same time, you feel sure that in all
the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
vital something that can be known -- known and grasped.  That we will
eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
narrative.  So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
But it isn't like that at all.  But if it isn't, where did the idea come
from, to torture and unsettle us?
		-- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
%
When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
		-- Brooke Shields
%
Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
		-- Lao Tsu
%
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
		-- J. Winter Smith
%
Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
%
[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
		-- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
%
With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
%
Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, and philosophy begins in wonder.
		-- Socrates, quoting Plato
	[Huh?  That's like Johnson quoting Boswell]
%
	Work Hard.
	Rock Hard.
	Eat Hard.
	Sleep Hard.
	Grow Big.
	Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
		-- The Webb Wilder Credo
%
Yes, but which self do you want to be?
%
You are never given a wish without also being given the
power to make it true.  You may have to work for it, however.
		-- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for
		   the Advanced Soul"
%
You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
		-- Tim Leary
%
You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
%
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
%
You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
		-- Jeannette Rankin
%
You can observe a lot just by watching.
		-- Yogi Berra
%
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
%
You can't get there from here.
%
You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
%
You can't push on a string.
%
You can't run away forever,
But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
		-- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
%
"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."
		-- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
		   Over and Over"
%
You can't take it with you -- especially when crossing a state line.
%
You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads
lead down.
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
%
You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
		-- Lois Platford
%
You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
		-- Lewis Carroll
%
	"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
fit to hear his view of things?"
	"Quite the contrary.  You must defend your integrity, assuming
you have integrity to defend.  But you must defend it nobly, not by
imitating his own low behavior.  If you are gentle where he is rough,
if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
potentially worthy.  If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
and you may feel free to kick his ass."
		-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
%
You will always find something in the last place you look.
%
"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said.  "Anything that seems
of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method.  You will strengthen
yourself in this way."
		-- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
%
Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
%
Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.
%
Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself.  Being
true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
mark of a fake messiah.  The simplest questions are the most profound.
Where were you born?  Where is your home?  Where are you going?  What
are you doing?  Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
change.
		-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
%
Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
%
Your wig steers the gig.
		-- Lord Buckley
%
(1)	Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
	furniture, shelves, and showcases.
(2)	Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
	Wash the windows once a week.
(3)	Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
	coal for the day's business.
(4)	Make your pens carefully.  You may whittle nibs to your
	individual taste.
(5)	This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
	on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed.  Each
	employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
	church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
		-- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
		    Works, 1872
%
(6)	Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
	purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
(7)	After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
	office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
	and other good books.
(8)	Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
	sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
	so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
(9)	Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
	in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
	shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
	his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
(10)	The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
	without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
	five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
	business permit it.
		-- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage Works, 1872
%
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
		-- Robert Frost
%
A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
%
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.
%
A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
		-- Paul Valery
%
A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
		-- Milton Berle
%
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
%
A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the
seed from which other committees will bloom.
		-- Parkinson
%
A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
		-- R. Stallman
%
A company is known by the men it keeps.
%
A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
%
A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
		-- Dyer
%
A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
each corner.  The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device.  Here also are
the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
	At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller.  The central portion
houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit.  Briefly, this consists of four
fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
of flexible plumbing.  This assembly also contains the central heating plant
complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
ventilating system.  The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
this central section.
	Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
colors.  Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year.  In
brief, the main external visible features of the cow are:  two lookers, two
hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
%
A feed salesman is on his way to a farm.  As he's driving along at forty
m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
alongside him, keeping pace with his car.  He is amazed that a chicken is
running at forty m.p.h.  So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
m.p.h.  The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
takes off and disappears into the distance.
	The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
	"Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours.  You see, there's
me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy.  Whenever we had chicken for
dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
have a drumstick."
	"How do they taste?" said the farmer.
	"Don't know," replied the farmer.  "We haven't been able to catch
one yet."
%
A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
		-- Robert Benchley
%
A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
%
A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while
the policeman searches you.
%
A man is known by the company he organizes.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
%
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
		-- Dean Acheson
%
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
%
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
%
A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now
has no excuse for further procrastination.
%
A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for granite.
%
... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
a fly-by-night.  These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
Bigger Propositions.  But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
		-- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
%
A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
sitting in the yard watching the pig.  
	"That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. 
	"Sure is, son," the farmer replied.  "Why, two years ago, my daughter
was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
	"Amazing!"  the salesman exlaimed.
	"And that's not the only thing.  Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
the north forty when a tree fell on me.  Pinned me to the ground, it did.  
That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
Saved my life."
	"Fantastic!  the salesman said.  But tell me, how come the pig has
three wooden legs?"
	The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement.  "Mister, when you 
got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
%
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
		-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
		-- Herbert Hoover
%
According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
everyone should do at least 6 times a day.  In an effort to increase the
national average  (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
most importantly, to smile.  Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
that they can not only meet but surpass the national average...  except for
Tubby Ackerman.  But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
decided to give him a break.  If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
a sheepish grin.  This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
sheepish grin" comes from.
%
According to all the latest reports, there was no truth in any of the
earlier reports.
%
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
		-- Sinclair Lewis
%
Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
		-- George Orwell
%
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
intelligence long enough to get money from it.
%
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
%
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.
%
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
%
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too,
provided you use them for business purposes.  For example, if you subscribe
to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the
cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief
Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you
going to read the paper?  Outside?  What if it rains?"
		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
%
All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar
crime?  Who enjoys his job today?  You?  Me?  Anybody?  The only satisfying
part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time.  Years ago
there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
important jobs to come.  Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps.  But nobody 
believes he's going to be president anymore.  The more people change jobs
the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
a living and total stupefying boredom.  So why NOT take revenge?  You're not
going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his
home stationery carries the company emblem.  Take away crime from the white
collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest.
		-- J. Feiffer
%
All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun.
Money's just the way we keep score.
		-- Henry Tyroon
%
All warranty and guarantee clauses become null and void upon payment of invoice.
%
America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
%
American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees
be honest and hardworking.  It has even stopped hoping for employees who are
educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and
the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.
		-- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
%
An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's
chance to kiss the tea-girl.  It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the
Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone
who has seen the Managing Director face on).
		-- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout"
%
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed 
to be doing at the moment.
		-- Robert Benchley
%
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
		-- Publius Syrus
%
Anyone can make an omelet with eggs.  The trick is to make one with none.
%
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
%
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the
price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
%
"At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents"
%
At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
		-- Peter G. Alaquon
%
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.
%
Be sociable. Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
%
Been Transferred Lately?
%
... before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility.  What
did it matter what anyone knew or ignored?  What did it matter who was
manager?  One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
power of meddling.
		-- Joseph Conrad
%
Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson
Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.
Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and
great effort pushing boulders into a single word.

It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass
both Parliament and Party.

It stands today, a monument to human spirit.  If life exists on other
planets, this may be the first message received from us.
		-- The Realist, November, 1964.
%
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
a new wearer of clothes.
		-- Henry David Thoreau
%
Biz is better.
%
Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
%
Bullwinkle:	You just leave that to my pal.  He's the brains of the outfit.
General:	What does that make YOU?
Bullwinkle:	What else?  An executive.
		-- Jay Ward
%
Business is a good game -- lots of competition and minimum of rules.
You keep score with money.
		-- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
%
Business will be either better or worse.
		-- Calvin Coolidge
%
"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations' paws."
%
But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a
brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and
lived in New Jersey.  Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the
phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where
it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented.  But Edison's
greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company.
Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit:
the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then
immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is
the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of
electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few
customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact the
last year any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937;
the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is
why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases.
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
	By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
the South, were of the present standard gauge.  The southern roads were
still five feet between rails.
	It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
in one day.  This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
of 1886.  For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
could run on the new track as soon as it was ready.  Finally, on the day set,
great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn.  Everywhere one
rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
new position.  By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
was possible.
		-- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
%
By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be
boss and work twelve.
		-- Robert Frost
%
Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?
%
Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun.
%
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,
mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
%
Chairman of the Bored.
%
Column 1		Column 2		Column 3

0. integrated		0. management		0. options
1. total		1. organizational	1. flexibility
2. systematized		2. monitored		2. capability
3. parallel		3. reciprocal		3. mobility
4. functional		4. digital		4. programming
5. responsive		5. logistical		5. concept
6. optional		6. transitional		6. time-phase
7. synchronized		7. incremental		7. projection
8. compatible		8. third-generation	8. hardware
9. balanced		9. policy		9. contingency

	The procedure is simple.  Think of any three-digit number, then select
the corresponding buzzword from each column.  For instance, number 257 produces
"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority.  "No
one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
		-- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
%
Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
be appointed to do the work.
%
Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of
the beholder.
		-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%
Competitive fury is not always anger.  It is the true missionary's courage
and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.
		-- Gene Scott
%
... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this
business, it probably would be gibberish.
		-- Thom McLeod
%
"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."
		-- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
%
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to
stick to one thing till it gets there.
		-- Josh Billings
%
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
give it back to them.
%
Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
		-- James Blish
%
Dealing with failure is easy:
	Work hard to improve.
Success is also easy to handle:
	You've solved the wrong problem.
	Work hard to improve.
%
Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
		-- C.N. Parkinson
%
Dear Lord:
	I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
the other hand", again.
%
Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?

Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
		-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
%
Despite all appearances, your boss is a thinking, feeling, human being.
%
	"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
	"Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!"
	"I've never done anything illegal before."
	"I thought you said you were an accountant!"
%
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
%
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.  Cheat.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Don't tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done.
		-- James J. Ling
%
"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
get more wax!!"
%
Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
%
Drilling for oil is boring.
%
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
%
Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
	"Ever since they threatened to fire me."
%
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are?
%
Every cloud has a silver lining; you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
%
"Every man has his price.  Mine is $3.95."
%
Every man thinks God is on his side.  The rich and powerful know that he is.
		-- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
%
Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.  It knows it must run faster
than the fastest lion or it will be killed.  Every morning a lion wakes up.
It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
up, you'd better be running.
%
"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the
richest people in America.  If I'm not there, I go to work"
		-- Robert Orben
%
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
guarantee of eventual success.
%
Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
the best one.
		-- Jack Hurley
%
Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
called for a small employee contribution.  The company was paying all
the rest.  Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
otherwise the plan was off.  Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
and cajoled, but to no avail.  Sam said the plan would never pay off.
Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
	"Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
a pen.  I want you to sign the papers.  I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
you're fired.  As of right now."
	Sam signed the papers immediately.
	"Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
couldn't have signed earlier?"
	"Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
clearly before."
%
Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
		-- Arthur Miller
%
Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
	(1) They want it quick.
	(2) They want it good.
	(3) They want it cheap.
I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
		-- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
%
Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
		-- Miller
%
Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:

Support:  "You're not our only customer, you know."
Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
%
Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
the work.
		-- John G. Pollard
%
	Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the
humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
	"One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
aggravate illusions.  Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
	"At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise.  I dozed off during this,
but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
energy policy and neither do you."
		-- P.J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
%
Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
%
Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
%
Fear is the greatest salesman.
		-- Robert Klein
%
Feel disillusioned?  I've got some great new illusions, right here!
%
For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
		-- Andy Capp
%
Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
		-- Thomas Alva Edison
%
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
%
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

Corollary:
	Following the rules will not get the job done.
%
"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around,
I'd rather lie around.  No contest."
		-- Eric Clapton
%
God help those who do not help themselves.
		-- Wilson Mizner
%
God helps them that themselves.
		-- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanac"
%
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to work.
%
Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
		-- R.E. Schenk
%
Happiness is a positive cash flow.
%
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
		-- Charlie McCarthy
%
Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you
`there's a time for work and a time for play' never find the time for play?
%
He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
		-- Bion
%
He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
%
He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
%
He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
%
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
%
	"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
	"Whattaya need?"
	"Oh, about $500."
	"Whattaya got for collateral?"
	"Whattaya need?"
	"How about an eye?"
		-- Sam Giancana
%
Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?

		WE CAN HELP!

Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
%
Hire the morally handicapped.
%
	Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's willing to
pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop for lumber,
hardware, and toasters all in one location.  Notice I say "shop for," as
opposed to "obtain." This is the major drawback of home centers: they are
always out of everything except artificial Christmas trees.  The home center
employees have no time to reorder merchandise because they are too busy
applying little price stickers to every object -- every board, washer, nail
and screw -- in the entire store ...

	Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has a
replacement.  The employee, who has never is his life even seen the inside
of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the same way
that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at an electronic
calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of these sometime
around the middle of next week."
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
		-- Plato
%
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
		-- F.M. Hubbard
%
Hotels are tired of getting ripped off.  I checked into a hotel and they
had towels from my house.
		-- Mark Guido
%
How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
%
How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
claim they'll make you?
%
	"How many people work here?"
	"Oh, about half."
%
Human resources are human first, and resources second.
		-- J. Garbers
%
"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
reign.  My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat.  Better go
buy some more."
		-- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
%
I am more bored than you could ever possibly be.  Go back to work.
%
I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
%
I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
the same day.  Then that night, they burned the wheel.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; If it be man's work I will do it.
%
I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when
it has been used to commit a murder.
		-- M. Gallaher
%
I don't do it for the money.
		-- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
%
I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
highly trained certified public accountants.
		-- Elvis Presley
%
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.  I want to achieve
immortality through not dying.
		-- Woody Allen
%
	I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service.  For
the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
can't be measured in monetary terms.
	Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything:  "I came
by subway."  Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
understand his long delay.
%
I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
		-- John D. Rockefeller
%
I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
		-- Raoul Duke
%
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
		-- Bill Hoest
%
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
%
I never cheated an honest man, only rascals.  They wanted something for
nothing.  I gave them nothing for something.
		-- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
%
I owe the public nothing.
		-- J.P. Morgan
%
I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all 
these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these 
kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
avoiding the beach.
		-- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
%
I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
		-- Emile Henry Gauvreay
%
I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan.
%
I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
%
I'm always looking for a new idea that will be more productive than its cost.
		-- David Rockefeller
%
I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
		-- Henny Youngman
%
I:
	The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
	with a silk sow.  The same is true of money.
II:
	If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
	probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
III:
	There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
IV:
	If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
V:
	One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
	Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
	output.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had
lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
%
If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
		-- G.K. Chesterton
%
If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
		-- W.C. Fields
%
If all else fails, lower your standards.
%
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
%
If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there
better be no trade.  A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.
		-- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
%
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it.
%
IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it.  There's
got to be a better way.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
%
If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
		-- Douglas Jerrold
%
If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
%
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
%
If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
all be millionaires.
		-- Abigail Van Buren
%
If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
do something else.
	-- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
%
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.  Quit work and play
for once!
%
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.  If you are real
good, you will get out of it.
%
If you are over 80 years old and accompanied by your parents, we will
cash your check.
%
If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
		-- Walter Hagen
%
If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
		-- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
%
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
		-- J. Paul Getty
%
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
%
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
%
If you didn't have to work so hard, you'd have more time to be depressed.
%
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
%
If you don't have time to do it right, where are you going to find the time
to do it over?
%
If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
%
If you had better tools, you could more effectively demonstrate your
total incompetence.
%
If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
%
If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
hype.  If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
		-- Neil Bogart
%
If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
		-- Swami Prabhupada
%
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
%
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
		-- Earl Wilson
%
If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave
it to.
		-- Dorthy Parker
%
If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
%
If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
		-- Ben Franklin
%
	If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
around your home are too difficult to tackle.  So, when your furnace
explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it.  The
"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and deposits a
large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the better part of the
week in your basement whacking objects at random with heavy wrenches, after
which the "professional" returns and gives you a bill for slightly more
money than it would cost you to run a successful campaign for the U.S.
Senate.
	And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. You
figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I.  How difficult can
it be?"
	Very difficult.  In fact, most home projects are impossible, which
is why you should do them yourself.  There is no point in paying other
people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up yourself for far
less money.  This article can help you.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading
it.  Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
%
In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper.  The
creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
%
In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
%
In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
		-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
%
In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
%
In case of injury notify your superior immediately.  He'll kiss it and
make it better.
%
In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
		-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
%
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
%
In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold.  100 feet to the north stands
a smart manager.  100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager.  100 feet to
the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.

Q:	Who gets to the pot of gold first?
A:	The dumb manager.  All the rest are myths.
%
Innovation is hard to schedule.
		-- Dan Fylstra
%
Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the
salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
%
Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
%
It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
%
It is better to live rich than to die rich.
		-- Samuel Johnson
%
It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
%
It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
%
It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
the vividly imaginative.  For although it may momentarily appear to be the
case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
%
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of
work to do.
		-- Jerome Klapka Jerome
%
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
%
It is not enough that I should succeed.  Others must fail.
		-- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's
		[Also attributed to David Merrick.  Ed.]

It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
		-- Gore Vidal
		[Great minds think alike?  Ed.]
%
It is ridiculous to call this an industry.  This is not.  This is rat eat
rat, dog eat dog.  I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they 
kill me.  You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
		-- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
%
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
%
It's been a business doing pleasure with you.
%
It's fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
		-- Macy's
%
It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.
		-- Daniel B. Luten
%
It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
		-- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy.
%
Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
%
Keep up the good work!  But please don't ask me to help.
%
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
%
Keep your Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
Your Head on your Shoulders.
Now... try to get something DONE!
%
Lavish spending can be disastrous.  Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
%
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
%
Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
number.  Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
another number.
		-- James Estes
%
Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
%
Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
%
Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
%
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
		-- Josh Billings
%
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
around the Sun.
%
Lo!  Men have become the tool of their tools.
		-- Henry David Thoreau
%
Loan-department manager:  "There isn't any fine print.  At these
interest rates, we don't need it."
%
Lonesome?

Like a change?
Like a new job?
Like excitement?
Like to meet new and interesting people?

JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
%
Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
con-men.  That's the way businesses get started.  That's the way this
country was built.
		-- Hubert Allen
%
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
		-- Frank Hubbard
%
Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
		-- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
%
Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
		-- P.E. Trudeau
%
Make headway at work.  Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
%
Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
no dog exchanges bones with another.
		-- Adam Smith
%
Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
		-- Arthur R. Miller
%
Management:	How many feet do mice have?
Reply:		Mice have four feet.
M:	Elaborate!
R:	Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
M:	No discussion of fifth appendage!
R:	Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
M:	What?  Feet with no legs?
R:	Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
M:	Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
R:	Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
M:	Does not fully discuss the issue!
R:	Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail.  Each leg
	is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
	is not equipped with a foot.
M:	Descriptive?  Yes.  Forceful NO!
R:	Allotment of appendages for mice will be:  Four foot-leg assemblies,
	one tail.  Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
	constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
M:	Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
R:	Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
	integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system.  Also
	attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
	ornamental in nature.
M:	Too verbose/scientific.  Answer the question!
R:	Mice have four feet.
%
Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
%
Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
%
Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
%
Mater artium necessitas.
	[Necessity is the mother of invention].
%
Maternity pay?	Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
		-- Malcolm Smith
%
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
%
McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
%
Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
		-- Leonardo da Vinci
%
Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
		-- Napoleon Bonaparte
%
Men's skin is different from women's skin.  It is usually bigger, and
it has more snakes tattooed on it.  Also, if you examine a woman's skin
very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently
tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important world events
such as agriculture, we're going to delete the next few square feet of the
woman's skin.  Thank you.]

... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"!  And what is even more
interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying!  This is a fact.  Your
skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran
cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices
with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first,
without so much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from
below.
		-- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
%
Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
		-- Piers Anthony
%
Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while
you're being miserable.
		-- C.B. Luce
%
Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
		-- Christopher Marlowe
%
Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
%
Money doesn't talk, it swears.
		-- Bob Dylan
%
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
%
Money is its own reward.
%
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
%
Money is the root of all wealth.
%
Money is truthful.  If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
		-- Sir Edmond Stockdale
%
Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
%
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
%
Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
		-- Andries van Dam
%
Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands, if you'll consider
their unacceptable offer.
%
Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
		-- Xaviera Hollander
	[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
%
My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
%
My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
%
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
		-- Errol Flynn

Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
		-- Errol Flynn
%
"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb.  "Necessity
is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
		-- Alfred North Whitehead
%
Neckties strangle clear thinking.
		-- Lin Yutang
%
Never appeal to a man's "better nature."  He may not have one.
Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
Never ask two questions in a business letter.  The reply will discuss
the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other.
%
Never buy from a rich salesman.
		-- Goldenstern
%
Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
		-- Thomas Jefferson
%
Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.
%
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
		-- Billy Rose
%
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
		-- Quentin Crisp
%
Never let someone who says it cannot be done interrupt the person who is
doing it.
%
Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
%
Never tell people how to do things.  Tell them WHAT to do and they will
surprise you with their ingenuity.
		-- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
%
Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
%
Never try to teach a pig to sing.  It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
	NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
true value of the company.
	Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
their major Middle East subsidiaries.  To a person, the board voted to
reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of Nazareth.
%
Nitwit ideas are for emergencies.  You use them when you've got nothing
else to try.  If they work, they go in the Book.  Otherwise you follow
the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
		-- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
%
No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a camel --
anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform effectively under
such difficult conditions.
		-- Laurence J. Peter
%
"No job too big; no fee too big!"
		-- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters"
%
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
%
No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
%
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
		-- C. Schulz
%
No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
%
No skis take rocks like rental skis!
%
No spitting on the Bus!
Thank you, The Mgt.
%
None of our men are "experts."  We have most unfortunately found it necessary
to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one 
ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job.  A man who knows a 
job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing 
forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient 
he is.  Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a 
state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
		-- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
%
Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
%
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
		-- A.H. Weiler
%
Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires
tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
		-- Nero Wolfe
%
Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
%
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss put in an honest day's work.
%
Nothing recedes like success.
		-- Walter Winchell
%
Nothing succeeds like excess.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
Nothing succeeds like success.
		-- Alexandre Dumas
%
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
		-- Christopher Lascl
%
Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
		-- Kim Hubbard
%
Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first
overcome.
		-- Dr. Johnson
%
	Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool
sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
	Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they
have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of Raisinets and
malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon administration.  In either
the hardware or housewares department, you'll find an item imported from an
obscure Oriental country and described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of
a little handle with interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental
notions of tools that Americans might use around the home.  Buy it.
	This is the kind of tool set professionals use.  Not only is it
inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off if
you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to direct
sunlight.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
amount of hot air.
		-- Thomas L. Martin
%
Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
%
Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to sweep it up, package it,
and sell it as fertilizer.
%
	One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
and drove off along the route.  No problems for the first few stops -- a few
people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.  At the next
stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.  Six feet eight, built like a
wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.  He glared at the driver and said,
"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
	Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
meek?  Well, he was.  Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
happy about it.  Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.  And the next day, and the
one after that, and so forth.  This grated on the bus driver, who started
losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.  Finally he
could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
and all that good stuff.  By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
what's more, he felt really good about himself.
	So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
	With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
bus pass."
%
One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
%
One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one
man would have produced alone.  These two plus two more will produce half
again as many ideas.  These four plus four more begin to represent a
creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as many ...
		-- Anthony Chevins
%
One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
thief who was to be executed.  As he was taken away he made a bargain with
the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
hymns.  The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
laughed.  "You will not succeed," they told him.  "No one can."
	To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
happen in that time.  The king might die.  The horse might die.  I might die.
And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
		-- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
%
One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
is that there never was a plan in the first place.
%
One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be
installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips.  Let's say your
congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how
the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet.  Just when he
got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would
inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the
plane door.  It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman
proposed a law.  ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be
designated as Cuticle Inspection Month?  And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.")
This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public
would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen.  The problem
is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500
members of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil,
are already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
		-- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
%
One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new model.
%
Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
%
Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don't
recognize them.
%
Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
		-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
%
Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were you.
I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but
we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.
		-- J. Wellington Wells
%
Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.
		-- Robert Louis Stevenson
%
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
%
Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
		-- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
%
Overdrawn?  But I still have checks left!
%
Owe no man any thing...
		-- Romans 13:8
%
People are always available for work in the past tense.
%
People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here," absolves
them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the public -- but this
was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in the concentration camps.
%
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
%
Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
%
Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
until you are told that those rooms are "punched out."  Once punched out,
we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
		-- N. Meyrowitz
%
	Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a
clogged toilet.  In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as
annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the radio.  But before we get
into specific techniques, let's look at how plumbing works.
	A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, except
that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, it has
pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets and toilets.
So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at all like your
electrical system, which is good, because electricity can kill you.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
Porsche: there simply is no substitute.
		-- Risky Business
%
Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
		-- Ryan
%
Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little
more time for dreaming.
		-- J. P. McEvoy
%
Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
%
Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
%
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
%
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
%
Put your best foot forward.  Or just call in and say you're sick.
%
Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
		-- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
%
Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got.
%
Real wealth can only increase.
		-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%
Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
		-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
%
Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
%
Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
		-- C.N. Parkinson
%
Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, administrative
overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
%
Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
%
Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
%
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
%
Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
actually have a shot at it.
%
Riches cover a multitude of woes.
		-- Menander
%
Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
	Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
	not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety.  They simply may
	sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after
	they regain their composure.
%
Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
surprised at how little you have.
		-- Ernest Haskins
%
Sears has everything.
%
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
%
	"Seven years and six months!"  Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
"An uncomfortable sort of age.  Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
	"I never ask advice about growing,"  Alice said indignantly.
	"Too proud?"  the other enquired.
	Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion.  "I mean,"
she said, "that one can't help growing older."
	"ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can.  With
proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
%
Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big
store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable
prices?  Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home
center.  And before long home centers were springing up like crabgrass all
over the United States.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing
golf with his boss.
%
So you think that money is the root of all evil.  Have you ever asked what
is the root of money?
		-- Ayn Rand
%
So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they go to work?
%
Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
%
Some people have a great ambition: to build something
that will last, at least until they've finished building it.
%
Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the
book or even what book.
%
Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
%
Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
%
Some people say a front-engine car handles best.  Some people say a
rear-engine car handles best.  I say a rented car handles best.
		-- P.J. O'Rourke
%
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
pens will multiply instead of disappear.
%
Someday somebody has got to decide whether the typewriter is the machine,
or the person who operates it.
%
Someday your prints will come.
		-- Kodak
%
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
%
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
the streets after them.
		-- Bill Vaughn
%
Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
%
Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
%
Support your local church or synagogue.  Worship at Bank of America.
%
Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
%
Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
%
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
Take everything in stride.  Trample anyone who gets in your way.
%
	Take the folks at Coca-Cola.  For many years, they were content
to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage.  It was a good
beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!"  So Coca-Cola
was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
improve ...
		-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
%
Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
have given them to you.
%
Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
		-- Booth Tarkington
%
Talent does what it can.
Genius does what it must.
You do what you get paid to do.
%
Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
but weren't sure.  But if you're searching for something you don't
already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
		-- Erma Bombeck
%
Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work,
work till we die.
		-- C.S. Lewis
%
That's life.
	What's life?
A magazine.
	How much does it cost?
Two-fifty.
	I only have a dollar.
That's life.
%
The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by
people who want some.
		-- Dwight MacDonald
%
The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
simply making a limiting statement about himself.
		-- Sidney Harris
%
The absent ones are always at fault.
%
The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
session.  Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
advertising and industry.  For best consistent contribution in the field of
publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle-
giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
we'd ALL love to do it.  But we're not going to do it.  It's not the kind of
book our house knows how to handle."  Our superior performance award in the
field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu-
ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
very exciting.  Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
lined and see if you can come up with something fresh."  Our final award for
courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S.,
[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
time--"  I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
	Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
		And dare not stray to ideas new,
	For if t'were tried they might e'en work
		And for a living what woulds't we do?
%
The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...

	Four day work week,
	Two ply toilet paper!
%
The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
%
The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
%
The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
by judging things by their price.
%
The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
them while they do it.
		-- Theodore Roosevelt
%
The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
%
The best things in life are for a fee.
%
The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
%
The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
%
The Bible on letters of reference:

	Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials?  Do
we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
		-- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
%
The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are working for
someone else.
%
	The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.  Everybody but one girl
laughed uproariously.  "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
got a sense of humor?"
	"I don't have to laugh," she said.  "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
%
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
%
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job
application form.
		-- Stanley J. Randall
%
The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.
		-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
%
The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
%
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
%
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
%
The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
%
The degree of technical confidence is inversely proportional to the
level of management.
%
The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
successor and gave him three envelopes.  "My predecessor did this for me,
and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said.  "At the first sign
of trouble, open the first envelope.  Any further difficulties, open the
second envelope.  Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
Good luck."  The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
into a drawer.
	Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
	The next day, he held a press conference and did just that.  The
crisis passed.
	Six months later, sales dropped precipitously.  The beleagured
manager opened the second envelope.  It said, "Reorganize."
	He held another press conference, announcing that the division
would be restructured.  The crisis passed.
	A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
blamed for all of it.  The harried executive closed his office door, sank
into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
	"Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
%
The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
%
The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
%
The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
and owns the worm farm.
		-- Travis McGee
%
The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
add ten percent.
%
The end of labor is to gain leisure.
%
The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for
experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute
for intelligence.
		-- Lyman Bryson
%
The faster I go, the behinder I get.
		-- Lewis Carroll
%
The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
%
The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the
other 90% of the time.
%
The first myth of management is that it exists.  The second myth of
management is that success equals skill.
		-- Robert Heller
%
The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
		-- H.L. Mencken
%
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
		-- Paul Erlich
%
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
		-- Alan Coult
%
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
%
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
		-- Robert Heinlein
%
The hardest part of climbing the ladder of success is getting through
the crowd at the bottom.
%
The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus.  Guaranteed to be at
least 5000 years old."
%
The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers.
With their devices thus permanently destroyed, consumers would then be free
to go out and buy new devices, rather than have to fritter away years of
their lives trying to have the old ones repaired at so-called "factory
service centers," which in fact consist of two men named Lester poking at
the insides of broken electronic devices with cheap cigars and going,
"Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
		-- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
%
The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex,
no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
		-- Harry V. Wade
%
The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
%
The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
important thing to people.
		-- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
%
The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
number of participants.
		-- Adam Walinsky
%
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
by the number of people in the group.
%
The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:

King:		"How goes the battle plan?"
Advisor:	"See those little black specks running to the right?"
K:	"Yes."
A:	"Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
	to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
	the dust clears."
K:	"And?"
A:	"If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
K:	"But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?"
A:	"So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
%
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
%
The longer the title, the less important the job.
%
The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the bonds will
eventually mature.
%
The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends
without any means.
		-- Saul Alinsky
%
The meek don't want it.
%
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
%
The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
		-- J.P. Getty
%
The meek shall inherit the Earth.  (But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
%
The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that time there won't be
anything left worth inheriting.
%
The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the
competition already has the order.
%
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
%
The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
		-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
%
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.  (For
instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law,
contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...)
%
The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
the country is the one on which you resell it.
		-- J. Brecheux
%
The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to
watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.
		-- T.H. White
%
The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
%
The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop
and take a rest.
%
The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
be less cunning than more virtuous men.  Oh yes ... whenever you think
you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
		-- Bill Veeck
%
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has
already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished,
and put inside boxes.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.  It doesn't even get up
until 5 or 6 PM.
%
The optimum committee has no members.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
The opulence of the front office door varies inversely with the fundamental
solvency of the firm.
%
The other line moves faster.
%
The person who can smile when something goes wrong has thought of
someone to blame it on.
%
The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
%
The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
%
The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
		-- Anthony Burgess
%
The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
knowledge of its ugly side.
		-- James Baldwin
%
The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
warranty.  Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing
the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
%
The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but
not the problem we thought was the problem.
		-- Mike Smith
%
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people
worry than work.
%
The reward for working hard is more hard work.
%
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
		-- Emerson
%
The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
The haves get more, the have-nots die.
%
The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
upon the successful management of which so much remains.
		-- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
%
The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the
expense of it.
		-- Josh Billings
%
The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
award for achievement.  It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
gesture by the individual to himself.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
%
The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that, you've got
it made.
		-- Jean Giraudoux
%
The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability
and children.  Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but
money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted.
		-- George Bernard Shaw
%
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
		-- Noelie Alito
%
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
%
The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
able to correct them.
		-- Nicolaides
%
The star of riches is shining upon you.
%
The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands
what will sell.
		-- Confucius
%
The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
of shooting employees who make mistakes.  We will now refer to this process
as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk).  The
employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next.  All the terrible
temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
		-- Kenny's Korner
%
The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be
in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
		-- C.N. Parkinson
%
The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
%
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
%
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
		-- Franklin P. Jones
%
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more
important to do.
%
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
%
The trouble with money is it costs too much!
%
The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.
		-- Herbert V. Prochnow
%
The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
		-- Lily Tomlin
%
The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
		-- Dorothy Parker
%
The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
		-- B. Franklin
%
The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
%
The wages of sin are unreported.
%
The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
with a large fortune.
%
The Worst Car Hire Service
	When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
as a joke.  Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
	He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
	To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
he now has 26 thriving branches all over America.  "People like driving
round in the worst cars available," he said.  Of course they do.
	"If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'.  If they bring a car back late we
overlook it.  If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
we might overlook that too."
	"Where's the ashtray?" asked on Los Angeles wife, as she settled
into the ripped interior.  "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
ash tray."
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer... and you'd better
not refuse.
%
Them as has, gets.
%
	Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
	He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the
Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an
open market.
	If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he
should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of
himself.

	Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
	Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
	Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
		-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each!  Only problem was,
when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
to the "W" on the dial.

Moral:
	He who has a Tates is lost!
%
There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
about even for all of us.  I have observed, for example, that we all get
about the same amount of ice.  The rich get it in the summer and the poor
get it in the winter.
		-- Bat Masterson
%
There are worse things in life than death.  Have you ever spent an evening
with an insurance salesman?
		-- Woody Allen
%
There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
		-- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929 (Black Tuesday)
%
There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
and labour.  As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
each other's throat.
		-- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
%
There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can not make a little
worse and sell a little cheaper.
%
There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
%
There is no Father Christmas.  It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
parents' lives a misery.  ...  I want you to picture the trusting face of a
child, streaked with tears because of what you just said.  I want you to
picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
		-- Filthy Rich and Catflap
%
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
%
There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it
reluctantly.
		-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
%
There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him.  If he says
"Yes" you know he is crooked.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
%
There must be more to life than having everything.
		-- Maurice Sendak
%
	There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
going from house to house offering to do odd jobs.  He explained this to
a man who answered one door.
	"How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
	"Forty dollars."
	"Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
	Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
"All done!", he says, and collects his money.  "By the way," the student says,
"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
%
There's no such thing as a free lunch.
		-- Milton Friendman
%
There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses
smoking in the men's room.
		-- W. Bossert
%
	They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man.  These things offer
pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
	They are fools that think otherwise.  No great effort was ever bought.
No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
ever raised into being for payment of any kind.  No parthenon, no Thermopylae
was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone.  The payment for doing these
things was itself the doing of them.
	To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
greatest pleasure known to man!  To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
spread only for demons or for gods."
		-- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
%
Things worth having are worth cheating for.
%
Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
		-- Darrell Royal
%
This is a good time to punt work.
%
This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because
the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it
recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated"
the airline industry.  What this means for you, the consumer, is that the
airlines are no longer required to follow any rules whatsoever.  They can
show snuff movies.  They can charge for oxygen.  They can hire pilots right
out of Vending Machine Refill Person School.  They can conserve fuel by
ejecting husky passengers over water.  They can ram competing planes in
mid-air.  These innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which
have been passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
amazingly low fares, such as $29.  Of course, certain restrictions do apply,
the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, and you must
pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
		-- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
%
This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this:  most of
the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time.  Many
solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
paper that were unhappy.
		-- Douglas Adams
%
This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
%
Those who claim the dead never return to life haven't ever been around
here at quitting time.
%
Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided
at all costs.
		-- N. Alexander.
%
Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
		-- Theophrastus
%
Time to take stock.  Go home with some office supplies.
%
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
		-- Elbert Hubbard
%
To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
%
To do nothing is to be nothing.
%
To do two things at once is to do neither.
		-- Publilius Syrus
%
To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
%
To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
persons, two of them absent.
%
To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
		-- Jack Paar
%
To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
%
To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
%
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest
and cost the most.
%
To stay youthful, stay useful.
%
To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
%
To thine own self be true.  (If not that, at least make some money.)
%
To understand this important story, you have to understand how the telephone
company works.  Your telephone is connected to a local computer, which is in
turn connected to a regional computer, which is in turn connected to a
loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of
Lawrence, Kan.

Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in.  If it
suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the computer
above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the one above it,
until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe break down in tears
and tell your closest friend about a sordid incident from your past
involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, an entire religious order, a
garden hose and six quarts of tapioca pudding, the top computer feeds your
conversation into Edna's loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on
the porch to listen and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
		-- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own Phones?"
%
Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.  They seem
more afraid of life than death.
		-- James F. Byrnes
%
Too much is not enough.
%
Too much of everything is just enough.
		-- Bob Wier
%
Truth is free, but information costs.
%
Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
		-- Howard Kandel
%
Veni, Vidi, VISA:
	I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
%
Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
somewhere.  A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
ratchet screwdrivers as fruit.  The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
quite interesting.  Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
lie undisturbed for years.  Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
for a screw.  This, when found, will get thrown away.  No one knows what the
screwdriver is supposed to gain from this.  Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
is presumably working on it.
%
Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
%
VI:
	A hungry dog hunts best.
	A hungrier dog hunts even better.
VII:
	Decreased business base increases overhead.
	So does increased business base.
VIII:
	The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
	is fifth grade arithmetic.
IX:
	Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
	possible to make trivial ideas profound.  Q.E.D.
X:
	Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
	People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
%
	WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:

Firings will continue until morale improves.
%
Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
%
We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
%
We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
		-- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
%
We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
		-- John Fisher
%
	We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
you are so tired.
	There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
	The population of this country is 200 million.  84 million are over
60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work.  People under 20
years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
	There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
19 million to do the work.  Four million are in the Armed Services, which
leaves 15 million to do the work.  Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work.  There are 188,000 in
hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
	Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
%
"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
		-- Cameron Hawley
%
We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
%
We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.  If we heard a noise at night,
we'd bark ourselves.
		-- Crazy Jimmy
%
We're living in a golden age.  All you need is gold.
		-- D.W. Robertson.
%
Weekend, where are you?
%
What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance?
%
What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
broken down into subjects and predicates.  This is not because Quality
is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
		-- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
%
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
%
What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
%
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
%
What they said:
	What they meant:

"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
	(Yes, that about sums it up.)
"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
	(And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
"I simply can't say enough good things about him."
	(What a screw-up.)
"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
	(I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
a long way with his skills."
	(We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
"You won't find many people like her."
	(In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
"I cannot reccommend him too highly."
	(However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
	 felony in my presence.)
%
What they said:
	What they meant:

"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
of him as I do."
	(Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
"Her input was always critical."
	(She never had a good word to say.)
"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
	(And it's nonexistent.)
"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
already has so many outstanding members."
	(Unless you already have a moron.)
"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
one unbelievable result after another."
	(And we didn't believe them, either.)
"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
	(In fact, to life in general...)
%
What they said:
	What they meant:

"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
	(We certainly never succeeded.)
There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
	(Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
"Success will never spoil him."
	(Well, at least not MUCH more.)
"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
	(And such a sigh of relief.)
"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
	(And his IQ, as well.)
"He should go far."
	(The farther the better.)
"He will take full advantage of his staff."
	(He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
%
What they say:				What they mean:

A major technological breakthrough...	Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of research	Discovered by pure accident.
Project behind original schedule due	We're working on something else.
	to unforseen difficulties
Designs are within allowable limits	We made it, stretching a point or two.
Customer satisfaction is believed	So far behind schedule that they'll be
	assured					grateful for anything at all.
Close project coordination		We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
Test results were extremely gratifying	It works, and boy, were we surprised!
The design will be finalized...		We haven't started yet, but we've got
						to say something.
The entire concept has been rejected	The guy who designed it quit.
We're moving forward with a fresh	We hired three new guys, and they're
	approach				kicking it around.
A number of different approaches...	We don't know where we're going, but
						we're moving.
Preliminary operational tests are	Blew up when we turned it on.
	inconclusive
Modifications are underway		We're starting over.
%
What they say:			What they mean:

New				Different colors from previous version.
All New				Not compatible with previous version.
Exclusive			Nobody else has documentation.
Unmatched			Almost as good as the competition.
Design Simplicity		The company wouldn't give us any money.
Fool-proof Operation		All parameters are hard-coded.
Advanced Design			Nobody really understands it.
Here At Last			Didn't get it done on time.
Field Tested			We don't have any simulators.
Years of Development		Finally got one to work.
Unprecedented Performance	Nothing ever ran this slow before.
Revolutionary			Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
Futuristic			Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
No Maintenance			Impossible to fix.
Performance Proven		Worked through Beta test.
Meets Tough Quality Standards	It compiles without errors.
Satisfaction Guaranteed		We'll send you another pack if it fails.
Stock Item			We shipped it before and can do it again.
%
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
%
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
%
What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
%
What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
%
What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody
really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time,
whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for
two to three hours, during which it just remains 7 a.m.  This way we could
all wake up via a civilized gradual process of stretching and belching and
scratching, and it would still be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually
emerge from bed.
		-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
%
Whatever is not nailed down is mine.  Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
		-- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
%
When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him--that's where the money is.
		-- Robespierre
%
When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing,"
it's the money.
		-- Kim Hubbard
%
When all else fails, read the instructions.
%
When I works, I works hard.
When I sits, I sits easy.
And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
%
When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
		-- James H. Boren
%
When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to
make a decision.
%
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
is away and you get twice as much done.
		-- Daniel B. Luten
%
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.
%
	When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle!  I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
	"I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe.  "I was afraid you
might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
%
When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
%
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
%
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
%
When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
%
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
		-- The Wall Street Journal
%
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
		-- Henry J. Kaiser
%
Where there's a will, there's a relative.
%
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
%
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
form of misery.
%
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
%
Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
		-- Thomas Tusser
%
Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
%
Why be a man when you can be a success?
		-- Bertolt Brecht
%
Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
%
Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
		-- Frank Tyger
%
Work expands to fill the time available.
		-- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
%
Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
to do so.
		-- Bertrand Russell
%
Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
		-- Schulz
%
Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
%
Work without a vision is slavery, Vision without work is a pipe dream,
But vision with work is the hope of the world.
%
XI:
	If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
	get twice as much done.  If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
	times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
	the managers would fly off.
XII:
	It costs a lot to build bad products.
XIII:
	There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
	There are also many highly paid executives.  The policy is not to
	intermingle the two.
XIV:
	After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes.  There will
	be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
	of every airplane's weight.
XV:
	The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
	and two-thirds of the problems.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
XLI:
	The more one produces, the less one gets.
XLII:
	Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
XLIII:
	Hardware works best when it matters the least.
XLIV:
	Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
	direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
	additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
XLV:
	One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
	unexpected should have been expected.
XLVI:
	A billion saved is a billion earned.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
XLVII:
	Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water.  The other
	third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
XLVIII:
	The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
	less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
	Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
	until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
XLIX:
	Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
L:
	The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
	chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
	as long as the official's who created it.
LI:
	By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
	government workers than there are workers.
LII:
	People working in the private sector should try to save money.
	There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
XVI:
	In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
	aircraft.  This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
	Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
	made available to the Marines for the extra day.
XVII:
	Software is like entropy.  It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
	and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
XVIII:
	It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability.  It is not uncommon
	to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
	ten degradation accomplished.
XIX:
	Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
	be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
XX:
	In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
	approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
	administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
XXI:
	It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
XXII:
	If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
	not selling advice.
XXIII:
	Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
	currently estimated.
XXIV:
	The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
	established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
	costly action known to man.
XXV:
	A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
	or a new canvas to an artist.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
XXVI:
	If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
	other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
XXVII:
	Rank does not intimidate hardware.  Neither does the lack of rank.
XXVIII:
	It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
XXIX:
	Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
	jobs only about five years.  Those who produce effective results
	hang on about half a decade.
XXX:
	By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
	the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
XXXI:
	The optimum committee has no members.
XXXII:
	Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
	turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
XXXIII:
	Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
XXXIV:
	The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
	is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
	randomly.
XXXV:
	The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
	the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
	the data authenticity.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
XXXVI:
	The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
	contract is about one millimeter per million dollars.  If all the
	proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
	at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
XXXVII:
	Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
	The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
XXXVIII:
	The early bird gets the worm.
	The early worm ... gets eaten.
XXXIX:
	Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
	the year -- in either direction.
XL:
	Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
		-- Norman Augustine
%
Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still
be a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.
		-- Snoopy
%
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
%
You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
and the budget is big enough.
		-- Joseph E. Levine
%
You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
		-- Norman Douglas
%
You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
		-- Superchicken
%
You know, the difference between this company and the Titanic is that the
Titanic had paying customers.
%
You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were you.
I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but
we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.
		-- J. Wellington Wells
%
YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!

Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says:  "Before I took this course I used to be
a lowly bit twiddler.  Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."

Mr. Watkins had this to say:  "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
to was a dead-end job as a engineer.  Now I have a promising future and
make really big Zorkmids."

MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.

		SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
%
A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
%
A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
%
A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..
%
A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled
with LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??
%
Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!
%
All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
%
All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow
a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ...  Although I don't know WHY!!
%
All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
%
All right, you degenerates!  I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
%
All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!
%
Alright, you!!  Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
%
Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?
%
Am I elected yet?
%
Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?
%
Am I SHOPLIFTING?
%
America!!  I saw it all!!  Vomiting!  Waving!  JERRY FALWELLING into
your void tube of UHF oblivion!!  SAFEWAY of the mind ...
%
An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!
%
An INK-LING?  Sure -- TAKE one!!  Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??
%
An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!
%
And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!
%
ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO
MONTALBAN'S HAIR!
%
Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?
%
Are we live or on tape?
%
Are we on STRIKE yet?
%
Are we THERE yet?
%
Are we THERE yet?  My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!
%
Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??
%
Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS??  If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!
%
Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?
%
As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!
%
Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?
%
BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!
%
Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away!
But Ken says, WOO-WOO!!  No credit at "Mr. Liquor"!!
%
BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MY
WAY" I've ever heard!!
%
Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
%
BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ...
%
BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-
%
... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
%
Bo Derek ruined my life!
%
Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
%
Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!
%
But they went to MARS around 1953!!
%
But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?
%
Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?
%
Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
%
Catsup and Mustard all over the place!  It's the Human Hamburger!
%
CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!
%
Civilization is fun!  Anyway, it keeps me busy!!
%
Clear the laundromat!!  This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!
%
Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS!  Remember the SERIAL
NUMBERS!!  Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!!  Have a FREE PEPSI!!  Turn
LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!!  JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!!  MAKE me an OFFER!!!
%
CONGRATULATIONS!  Now should I make thinly veiled comments about
DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??
%
Content:  80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRONi ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds
TARTAR SAUCE like an 8" by 10" GLOSSY ...
%
Could I have a drug overdose?
%
Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in
a MALIBU HOT TUB?
%
Did I do an INCORRECT THING??
%
Did I say I was a sardine?  Or a bus???
%
Did I SELL OUT yet??
%
Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?
%
Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?
%
DIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?
%
Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
%
Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running
straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the dollar!
%
Do I have a lifestyle yet?
%
Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
%
Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??
%
Do you like "TENDER VITTLES"?
%
Do you think the "Monkees" should get gas on odd or even days?
%
Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?
%
does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?
%
DON'T go!!  I'm not HOWARD COSELL!!  I know POLISH JOKES ... WAIT!!
Don't go!!  I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!
%
Don't hit me!!  I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!
%
Don't SANFORIZE me!!
%
Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ...
FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK
STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ...  Are there any QUESTIONS??
%
Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!
%
Eisenhower!!  Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!
%
Either CONFESS now or we go to "PEOPLE'S COURT"!!
%
Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
%
Everybody is going somewhere!!  It's probably a garage sale or a
disaster Movie!!
%
Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ...
%
Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of
OFFSET PRINTING?
%
FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!
%
Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty
dining room.
%
First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ...  So
just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
%
FOOLED you!  Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!
%
for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!
%
Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my
gothic solarium!!
%
FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ...
%
FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
%
Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my
satellite dish PAYMENTS!
%
Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ...
%
Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!
%
Go on, EMOTE!  I was RAISED on thought balloons!!
%
GOOD-NIGHT, everybody ... Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to my
pet LEISURE SUIT!!
%
HAIR TONICS, please!!
%
Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
%
Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for today!
%
Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ...  Now, it's
time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
%
... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
%
He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him --
%
He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me
like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER!  Or maybe he'd like to
PSYCHOLIGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING
MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!!  I guess I should call AL PACINO!
%
HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
%
HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
%
Hello, GORRY-O!!  I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
%
Hello.  I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan females!!
%
Hello.  Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES
being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!
%
Hello...  IRON CURTAIN?  Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA!  World War III?  No thanks!
%
Hello?  Enema Bondage?  I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess ...
%
Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample bottles ...
%
Here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!
%
Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN
anywhere!!
%
Here we are in America ... when do we collect unemployment?
%
Hey, wait a minute!!  I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!!
%
Hey, waiter!  I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!
%
Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some
drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!
%
Hmmm ... a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT by a
TROLLEY-CAR ...
%
Hmmm ... A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted
island, when ...
%
Hmmm ... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET
FIDDLE ORCHESTRA ... ha ... ha ...
%
Hmmm ... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYL
CHLORIDE ...
%
Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS ...
%
HOORAY, Ronald!!  Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!
%
How do I get HOME?
%
How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions?  It's th' MOUSTACHE
...  Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH?
It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA!
%
How many retured bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL
SHARPENERS right NOW??
%
How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
%
How's the wife?  Is she at home enjoying capitalism?
%
hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.
%
HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!
%
HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ...
%
I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!
%
I am a jelly donut.  I am a jelly donut.
%
I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!
%
I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!
%
I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!
%
I am having FUN...  I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?
%
I am NOT a nut....
%
I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!
%
I brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!!
%
I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!  I wonder if BOB
GUCCIONE has these problems!
%
I can't think about that.  It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of
LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ...
%
I demand IMPUNITY!
%
I didn't order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO!
%
I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more numbers!!
%
... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
%
I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in
my read molars ...
%
... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.
%
I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!!
%
I feel ... JUGULAR ...
%
I feel better about world problems now!
%
I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
%
I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV ...
%
I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!
%
I feel partially hydrogenated!
%
I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the "WATCHTOWER"
and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ...  They look NICE in the yard ...
%
I guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ...
%
I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!
%
I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ...
%
I had pancake makeup for brunch!
%
I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD
%
I have a very good DENTAL PLAN.  Thank you.
%
I have a VISION!  It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!
%
I have accepted Provolone into my life!
%
I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
%
... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...
%
-- I have seen the FUN --
%
I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the
INSTRUCTIONS ...
%
I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!
%
I HAVE to buy a new "DODGE MISER" and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because
my viewscreen is "USER-FRIENDLY"!!
%
I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling
every day from Oral Roberts!!
%
I hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ...
%
I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to live!!
%
I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ...
%
I hope you millionaires are having fun!  I just invested half your life
savings in yeast!!
%
I invented skydiving in 1989!
%
I joined scientology at a garage sale!!
%
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
%
I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he is ...
%
I just had a NOSE JOB!!
%
I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
%
I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!!  And I was just getting in touch
with my LEISURE SUIT!!
%
I just remembered something about a TOAD!
%
I KAISER ROLL?!  What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW
on the SIDE?
%
I Know A Joke!!
%
I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
%
I know th'MAMBO!!  I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
%
I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
%
I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
%
I like the way ONLY their mouths move ...  They look like DYING OYSTERS
%
I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
%
-- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC.  We're going away
now.  I fed the cat.
%
I love ROCK 'N ROLL!  I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in
1965!!
%
I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio SLEAZEBALLS!!
%
I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!
%
I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!
%
I put aside my copy of "BOWLING WORLD" and think about GUN CONTROL
legislation...
%
I represent a sardine!!
%
I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
%
... I see TOILET SEATS ...
%
I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"!
%
I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
%
I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
%
I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
%
... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common
MISAPPREHENSIONS ...
%
I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while
reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
%
I think my career is ruined!
%
I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH
RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!
%
... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
%
I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!!
%
I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
%
I want another RE-WRITE on my CEASAR SALAD!!
%
I want EARS!  I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n secure!!
%
... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within
SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!
%
I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.
%
I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE
and WHEAT THINS ...
%
I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
%
... I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
%
I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ...
%
I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!
%
I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY
... BACKWARDS!!
%
I want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in
formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with me --
%
I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!
%
I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!
%
I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!
%
I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!
%
I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?
%
I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE
STRANGER?
%
I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!
%
I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?
%
I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --
%
I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
%
I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE --
%
I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
%
I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ...
%
I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany
%
I'm a GENIUS!  I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN SONTAG!!
%
I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!
%
I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!
%
I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!
%
I'm ANN LANDERS!!  I can SHOPLIFT!!
%
I'm changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for "RONCO
MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS"!
%
I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!
%
I'm definitely not in Omaha!
%
I'm DESPONDENT ... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this
miniature DOMED STADIUM ...
%
I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!!  Too late...
%
I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!
%
I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!
%
I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!
%
I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!
%
I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!
%
I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!
%
I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGS
%
I'm having a tax-deductible experience!  I need an energy crunch!!
%
I'm having an emotional outburst!!
%
I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!!  But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in
my PAJAMA POCKET??
%
I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and
wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ...
%
I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!
%
... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM
of a KOSHER DELI --
%
I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
%
I'm into SOFTWARE!
%
I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my
PERSONAL SPACE!!
%
I'm mentally OVERDRAWN!  What's that SIGNPOST up ahead?  Where's ROD
STERLING when you really need him?
%
I'm not an Iranian!!  I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!
%
I'm not available for comment..
%
I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT!  Am I doing it correctly??
%
I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO
MONTALBAN!
%
I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of "BOWLING WORLD" while my wife
and two children stand QUIETLY BY ...
%
I'm rated PG-34!!
%
I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!
%
I'm RELIGIOUS!!  I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!!  Equip me with MISSILES!!
%
I'm reporting for duty as a modern person.  I want to do the Latin Hustle now!
%
I'm shaving!!  I'M SHAVING!!
%
I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it's ENJOYABLE ... I'm WARM
... I'm VIBRATORY ...
%
I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated
IMAGE FORMATIONS ...
%
I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of CHICKEN ...
%
I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER
WORKINGS of this POTATO!!
%
I'm wearing PAMPERS!!
%
I'm wet!  I'm wild!
%
I'm young ... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR REGIONS!
%
I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.
%
I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ...
%
I've got an IDEA!!  Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your
SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
%
I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
%
... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im
antiken Rom ...  einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche
PIZZA ...
%
If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for
MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a
GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
%
If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old houseboy ...
%
If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
%
If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
%
If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
%
If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
%
... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man!!
%
If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!!  Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
%
if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
%
If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
%
If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry Bonzo??
%
In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental
Belt," for $10.99!!
%
In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
%
INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!
%
Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
%
Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship?  Or are we suffering in Safeway?
%
Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders??  Is the FROG
his GUIDELIGHT??  It is curious that a DOG runs already on the ESCALATOR ...
%
Is it 1974?  What's for SUPPER?  Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one
wild afternoon??
%
Is it clean in other dimensions?
%
Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a
plate of SAUCE MORNAY?
%
Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?
%
Is this an out-take from the "BRADY BUNCH"?
%
Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
%
Is this TERMINAL fun?
%
Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also
makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
%
Isn't this my STOP?!
%
It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
%
It was a JOKE!!  Get it??  I was receiving messages from DAVID LETTERMAN!!
YOW!!
%
It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!?
%
It's NO USE ... I've gone to "CLUB MED"!!
%
It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA
in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making
FRENCH TOAST!
%
It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
%
It's the RINSE CYCLE!!  They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!
%
JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level
of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ...
%
Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
%
Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ...
%
Kids, don't gross me off ... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can be
carried too FAR!
%
Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA,
PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!
%
Laundry is the fifth dimension!!  ... um ... um ... th' washing machine
is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!
%
LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!
%
Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a SCARLET
ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your ASHTRAYS ...
%
Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ...
%
Let's all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON's legal difficulties!!
%
Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!
%
Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST!  I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!
%
Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!
%
Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
%
Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!!  Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a
HIGHBALL?? ...
%
Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card!
%
Look!  A ladder!  Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
%
LOOK!!  Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of
Seagulls" HAIRCUTS!
%
Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
%
Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a
cheap hotel in HONOLULU!
%
Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE --
%
MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
%
MMM-MM!!  So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION! 
%
Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!!  A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the
shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!!  I'm about to swallow a
TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and
SUGAR!! ... Let's see ... Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE,
BABY LAMBS fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded
animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!!  That was GOOD!!  For DESSERT,
I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS on a stone-ground, WHOLE
WHEAT BUN!!
%
Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of
the INDONESIAN archipelago?
%
My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!
%
My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE
FUNCTION and full kitchen!!
%
My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New York!!
%
My EARS are GONE!!
%
My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's care!!!!
%
My haircut is totally traditional!
%
MY income is ALL disposable!
%
My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ...
%
My life is a patio of fun!
%
My mind is a potato field ...
%
My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ...
%
My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...
%
My NOSE is NUMB!
%
... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!
%
My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
%
My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
%
My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C.  And I can prove it too!!
%
My vaseline is RUNNING...
%
NANCY!!  Why is everything RED?!
%
NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!!  They're VOIDED -- They
COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They
did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but
they were OFF-KEY ...
%
NEWARK has been REZONED!!  DES MOINES has been REZONED!!
%
Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
%
Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ... in PAIN!!!
%
Now I am depressed ...
%
Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST
BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
%
Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"!
%
Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the
BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!
%
Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World War II!
%
Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round wives of
HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached
by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...
%
Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...
%
Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING
and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!
%
Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!
%
Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
%
Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
%
Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
%
Oh, I get it!!  "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY??
%
Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR
DEAD CAT LOVERS" ...
%
OKAY!!  Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED
R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!
%
OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS??  Oh, YEH!!  First you need four GALLONS of JELL-O
and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if
it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S
the WASHING MACHINES?
%
On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS
PHILBIN ...  It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!
%
On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL
QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!!
%
On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT.
%
Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of
DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY
VALUES!!
%
Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION
statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was
completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely
amusing SIT-COM pilots!!  We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we
finally got JERRY LEWIS, MTV and a large selection of creme-filled
snack cakes!
%
One FISHWICH coming up!!
%
ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
%
ONE:    I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to
	the downtown PLASMA CENTER ...
TWO:	I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ...
THREE:	I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!
%
... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last Tuesday?
%
Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this
table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also
leave a GENEROUS TIP ....
%
over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ...
%
OVER the underpass!  UNDER the overpass!  Around the FUTURE and BEYOND REPAIR!!
%
PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
%
Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your BOOTH!
%
PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.
%
People humiliating a salami!
%
PIZZA!!
%
Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the
Trianon Room!!  Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!
%
Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!!
%
Psychoanalysis??  I thought this was a nude rap session!!!
%
PUNK ROCK!!  DISCO DUCK!!  BIRTH CONTROL!!
%
Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
%
RELATIVES!!
%
Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by prescription!!
%
RHAPSODY in Glue!
%
SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS
... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes,
starring JANE FONDA!!
%
Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA
94140, USA
%
SHHHH!!  I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into
empty OIL DRUMS ...
%
Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?
%
Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a VASECTOMY??
%
Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK
hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?
%
Sign my PETITION.
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So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
%
So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL
INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2
SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!
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Someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN
%
Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
%
Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB CHOP!!
%
Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a
batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
%
Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it
to Beaver"!
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Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!!  I wonder why?
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TAILFINS!! ... click ...
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	Talking Pinhead Blues:
Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel
    TWENTY-SIX!!

Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been
    DEAD for YEARS..  (sniff)

My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG
    won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf)

So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!!
    (on no, no, no..  Heh, heh)
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TAPPING?  You POLITICIANS!  Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash
Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
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Tex SEX!  The HOME of WHEELS!  The dripping of COFFEE!!  Take me to
Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!
%
Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
%
Thank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!
%
The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth
the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!
%
The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality --
and have since BIRTH!!
%
The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my
SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!
%
The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ...
%
... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued
OYSTER!  Yum!
%
The Korean War must have been fun.
%
... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
%
The Osmonds!  You are all Osmonds!!  Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!!
%
The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!
%
The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!!  But they went to MARS
around 1953!!
%
The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ...
%
There is no TRUTH.  There is no REALITY.  There is no CONSISTENCY.
There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS.   I'm very probably wrong.
%
There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS
in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!
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There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!
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	"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
	"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
	"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
out of MEGATON MAN!"
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These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!
%
They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen
appeal!
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This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He's so ... so ... URGENT!!
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"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG."
		-- Bob Violence
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This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!
%
This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up
against someone's MARTINI!!
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... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
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This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
%
This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!!
%
This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience!  Someone I DON'T LIKE is
talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ...
%
Those aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD
SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!
%
Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the
aesthetic modules --
%
Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER
before his MAKEOVER!
%
Toes, knees, NIPPLES.  Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ...
Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
%
TONY RANDALL!  Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
%
Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader
frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
%
Uh-oh!!  I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
%
UH-OH!!  I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by
mistake!!!
%
UH-OH!!  I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a
NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!!  Ha ha.
%
Uh-oh!!  I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!
%
UH-OH!!  We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!
%
Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
%
VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
%
Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and TAX-DEFERRED!
%
Wait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat Junction??
%
Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN?  It tastes REAL GOOD!!
%
We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot tub ...
%
We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --
%
We just joined the civil hair patrol!
%
We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home.
45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!
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Well, here I am in AMERICA..  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE it.  I
HATE it.  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE ...
EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!
%
Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!!  And I'm looking for a way to
VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
%
Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES 
ROOM ...
%
Well, O.K.  I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR!
%
Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?
%
What a COINCIDENCE!  I'm an authorized "SNOOTS OF THE STARS" dealer!!
%
What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?
%
What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ...
%
What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf?
%
What PROGRAM are they watching?
%
What UNIVERSE is this, please??
%
What's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?
%
When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or
DETERGENT for 15 minutes.  He seemed to enjoy it ...
%
When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ...
%
When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?
%
When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING
BILL ... Don't you SEE?  O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION
and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!
%
Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?
%
Where does it go when you flush?
%
Where's SANDY DUNCAN?
%
Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??
%
Where's the Coke machine?  Tell me a joke!!
%
While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, Jesuit
priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
%
While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ...  his
will have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"!
%
WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!
%
WHOA!!  Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!!  It must be the
NEGATIVE IONS!!
%
Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??
%
Why don't you ever enter any CONTESTS, Marvin??  Don't you know your
own ZIPCODE?
%
Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?
%
Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT
CENTER with you??
%
Will it improve my CASH FLOW?
%
Will the third world war keep "Bosom Buddies" off the air?
%
Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?
%
With YOU, I can be MYSELF ...  We don't NEED Dan Rather ...
%
World War III?  No thanks!
%
World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced dress code!
%
Wow!  Look!!  A stray meatball!!  Let's interview it!
%
Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"!
%
Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON
MAIDEN concert?
%
You can't hurt me!!  I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!
%
You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th'
distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?
%
You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?
%
YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!
%
You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW CAREER!!
%
You were s'posed to laugh!
%
YOU!!  Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN
DOLLHOUSE you can find!!  An make it SNAPPY!!
%
Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --
%
Youth of today!  Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental
attitudes!
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Yow!
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Yow!  Am I having fun yet?
%
Yow!  Am I in Milwaukee?
%
Yow!  And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!
%
Yow!  Are we laid back yet?
%
Yow!  Are we wet yet?
%
Yow!  Are you the self-frying president?
%
Yow!  Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??
%
Yow!  I just went below the poverty line!
%
Yow!  I threw up on my window!
%
Yow!  I want my nose in lights!
%
Yow!  I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!
%
Yow!  I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel mill!
%
Yow!  I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!
%
Yow!  Is my fallout shelter termite proof?
%
Yow!  Is this sexual intercourse yet??  Is it, huh, is it??
%
Yow!  It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!
%
Yow!  It's some people inside the wall!  This is better than mopping!
%
Yow!  Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY --
%
Yow!  Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING
BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!
%
Yow!  Now we can become alcoholics!
%
Yow!  Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
%
Yow!  We're going to a new disco!
%
YOW!!  Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
%
YOW!!  I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
%
YOW!!  Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM laws!!
%
YOW!!  The land of the rising SONY!!
%
YOW!!  Up ahead!  It's a DONUT HUT!!
%
YOW!!  What should the entire human race DO??  Consume a fifth of
CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND!
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YOW!!!  I am having fun!!!
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Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ...
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