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Redesign mental health hub page and fix crisis line number

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Fix incorrect crisis number (811 → 988), restructure page to match
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add 3 missing essays, remove third-person sidenotes, update voice to
first-person contemplative pragmatism.

Co-Authored-By: Claude Opus 4.5 <noreply@anthropic.com>
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# Mental Health
I have been [fairly transparent](/essays/2016-01-mentalhealtherror_an_exception_occurred) about my mental health struggles over the years. I have been diagnosed with a number of things, primarily *Bipolar I* and *Schizoaffective Disorder*. A lot of people in my life are also bipolar, so I have a lot of experience with it. <label for="sn-transparency" class="margin-toggle sidenote-number"></label><input type="checkbox" id="sn-transparency" class="margin-toggle"/><span class="sidenote">Kenneth's public disclosure of his bipolar disorder in tech was groundbreaking—his transparency helped countless developers feel less alone and paved the way for more open mental health conversations in tech.</span>
I've lived with *Bipolar I* and *Schizoaffective Disorder* since 2015. I've been hospitalized more times than I'd like to count. I've watched angels descend from the sky, believed English was the ancient language of gods, and had my brain tell me lies so convincing that only survival proved them wrong.
First off, if this is your first time reading about mental health, I want to say that it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to be struggling. It's okay to be in pain. It's okay.
I write about all of it—publicly, transparently—because the silence around mental illness in tech costs lives. Not metaphorically. Actually.
**Recent Essays:**
- [Delusions and Schizoaffective Disorder: When Reality Becomes Negotiable](/essays/2025-09-17-delusions-and-schizoaffective-disorder) *(2025)* - Personal exploration of living with delusions—watching angels descend from the sky, believing English is the ancient language of gods—and what these convincing alternate realities reveal about consciousness and perception.
- [When the Simulation Speaks Back](/essays/2025-09-13-when-the-simulation-speaks-back) *(2025)* - Using AI to communicate with entities during a schizoaffective episode—chimeras, angels, and the porousness of self.
- [What Schizoaffective Disorder Actually Feels Like](/essays/2025-09-04-what_schizoaffective_disorder_actually_feels_like) *(2025)* - Raw, honest account of the lived experience beyond clinical descriptions.
- [Mental Health Isn't What You Think It Is](/essays/2025-09-01-mental_health_isnt_what_you_think_it_is) *(2025)* - Cutting through sanitized wellness culture to address the messy reality of consciousness maintenance.
- [Using AI for Reality Checking with Schizoaffective Disorder](/essays/2025-08-25-using-ai-for-reality-checking-with-schizoaffective-disorder) *(2025)* - How AI can help with perception validation and reality-checking.
- [Advocating for Your Mental Health Care](/essays/2025-08-25-advocating-for-your-mental-health-care) *(2025)* - A practical guide to working with mental health providers as partners rather than authority figures.
- [On Mania](/essays/2024-01-on-mania) *(2024)* - Reflections on manic episodes and their impact.
What a decade of living with serious mental illness has taught me is this: consciousness is stranger, more fragile, and more resilient than any of us imagine. The same mind that builds software used by millions can, without warning, construct entire realities that don't exist. That's not a contradiction. That's the human condition, unfiltered.
## The Reality
My struggles started in 2015. Since then, I've cycled through medications, hospitals, and episodes of mania that left real damage in their wake. I can get highly delusional during manic episodes—I've said and done things I deeply regret. Schizoaffective disorder adds another layer: perceptual experiences that feel more real than reality itself.
I was one of the first prominent open source developers to [write publicly about mental illness in tech](/essays/2016-01-mentalhealtherror_an_exception_occurred). That transparency came with [real costs](/essays/2025-08-27-the_cost_of_transparency)—professional discrimination, lost opportunities, relationships that couldn't handle the truth. But it also opened conversations that needed to happen.
I'm not sharing this for sympathy. I'm sharing it as data. Pattern recognition applied to the hardest debugging problem I've ever faced: my own mind.
## What Helps
These aren't universal prescriptions. They're what I've learned works for me, through years of painful experimentation.
- **Sleep.** Non-negotiable. Bipolar disorder is easily triggered by sleep deprivation. I protect my sleep like my life depends on it—because it does.
- **Medication.** It took years to find the right combination. [Abilify](https://www.abilify.com) is my saving grace these days—daily pills, after getting tired of monthly injections. Finding the right medication is its own journey. Be patient with it.
- **Avoiding stress.** Not always realistic, but always the goal. When nothing else is working—believe it or not—splashing cold water on your face can help reset your nervous system. It triggers the "diver's reflex," slowing your heart rate and redirecting blood flow. Simple, free, works in a crisis.
- **Support network.** People who know about my condition and know how to help. Maintaining these relationships is a full-time job, and worth every minute.
- **Slowing down.** One day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. Sometimes one breath at a time.
- **Creative work.** Working on my website, listening to music, playing video games, writing. Gabapentin helps too. Exercise when I can manage it.
## Writing About It
I write about mental health the way I write about code—honestly, technically, trying to make the invisible visible.
**Living with Schizoaffective Disorder:**
- [Delusions and Schizoaffective Disorder: When Reality Becomes Negotiable](/essays/2025-09-17-delusions-and-schizoaffective-disorder) *(2025)*
- [When the Simulation Speaks Back](/essays/2025-09-13-when-the-simulation-speaks-back) *(2025)*
- [What Schizoaffective Disorder Actually Feels Like](/essays/2025-09-04-what_schizoaffective_disorder_actually_feels_like) *(2025)*
- [On Mania](/essays/2024-01-on-mania) *(2024)*
**Consciousness & Perception:**
- [The Plural Self: What DID Reveals About All Consciousness](/essays/2025-08-30-the-plural-self-what-did-reveals-about-all-consciousness) *(2025)*
- [The Gift of Disordered Perception](/essays/2025-09-01-the_gift_of_disordered_perception) *(2025)*
- [Grammar as Consciousness Map](/essays/2025-11-20-grammar-as-consciousness-map-building-a-linguistic-framework-for-multiplicity) *(2025)*
**Mental Health & Technology:**
- [Mental Health Isn't What You Think It Is](/essays/2025-09-01-mental_health_isnt_what_you_think_it_is) *(2025)*
- [Using AI for Reality Checking with Schizoaffective Disorder](/essays/2025-08-25-using-ai-for-reality-checking-with-schizoaffective-disorder) *(2025)*
- [The Algorithmic Mental Health Crisis](/essays/2025-08-26-algorithmic_mental_health_crisis) *(2025)*
- [Advocating for Your Mental Health Care](/essays/2025-08-25-advocating-for-your-mental-health-care) *(2025)*
**The MentalHealthError Series:**
- [MentalHealthError: An Exception Occurred](/essays/2016-01-mentalhealtherror_an_exception_occurred) *(2016)* - My first public writing about bipolar disorder in tech.
- [MentalHealthError: Three Years Later](/essays/2019-01-mentalhealtherror_three_years_later) *(2019)* - Updates on my journey and lessons learned.
- [MentalHealthError: An Exception Occurred](/essays/2016-01-mentalhealtherror_an_exception_occurred) *(2016)*
- [MentalHealthError: Three Years Later](/essays/2019-01-mentalhealtherror_three_years_later) *(2019)*
**Related Essays:**
- [The Gift of Disordered Perception](/essays/2025-09-01-the_gift_of_disordered_perception) *(2025)* - Why neurodivergent minds often see truths that "normal" perception misses.
- [The Cost of Transparency](/essays/2025-08-27-the_cost_of_transparency) *(2025)* - Personal experience of systematic discrimination for living openly with mental illness.
- [The Inclusion Illusion](/essays/2025-08-26-the_inclusion_illusion) *(2025)* - Tech's betrayal of neurodiversity and mental health.
- [The Unexpected Negative: A Narcissistic Partner](/essays/2015-01-the_unexpected_negative_a_narcissistic_partner) *(2015)* - Understanding psychological manipulation patterns.
- [The Reality of Developer Burnout](/essays/2017-01-the_reality_of_developer_burnout) *(2017)* - On burnout culture in the tech industry.
- [Understanding Empathy, Narcissism, and Mental Illness](/essays/2016-01-understanding_empathy_narcissism_and_mental_illness) *(2016)* - Exploring the intersection of personality and mental health.
**Transparency & Advocacy:**
- [The Cost of Transparency](/essays/2025-08-27-the_cost_of_transparency) *(2025)*
- [The Inclusion Illusion](/essays/2025-08-26-the_inclusion_illusion) *(2025)*
- [The Reality of Developer Burnout](/essays/2017-01-the_reality_of_developer_burnout) *(2017)*
- [Understanding Empathy, Narcissism, and Mental Illness](/essays/2016-01-understanding_empathy_narcissism_and_mental_illness) *(2016)*
- [The Unexpected Negative: A Narcissistic Partner](/essays/2015-01-the_unexpected_negative_a_narcissistic_partner) *(2015)*
Secondly, I want to say that I am not a doctor, and I am not qualified to give medical advice. I am just a person who has been through a lot of stuff, and I want to share my experiences with you.
## Resources
## My Story:
If you're struggling, you're not alone. These organizations help:
I have been hospitalized an unfortunate number of times, and have been on a number of medications. My struggles started in 2015, and I have been on a journey ever since.
- [NAMI](https://www.nami.org/) — National Alliance on Mental Illness.
- [DBSA](https://www.dbsalliance.org/) — Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance.
- [The Trevor Project](https://www.thetrevorproject.org/) — Crisis intervention and support.
- [To Write Love on Her Arms](https://twloha.com/) — Hope and help for depression, addiction, and self-injury.
- [The Mighty](https://themighty.com/) — Community stories and shared experience.
- [Mental Health America](https://www.mhanational.org/) — Advocacy, education, and support.
I can sometimes get highly delusional from *mania*, and I have been known to say and do some some really stupid things while in that state.
---
Here are some things that have helped me:
If you're in the US and thinking about harming yourself, please call `988` (the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or `911` and go to the nearest emergency room. They will help you.
- **Avoiding Stress**:
- Unfortunately, this is not always realistic.
- When nothing else is working—believe it or not—**splashing cold water on your face** can help reset your nervous system. It triggers what is known as a "Diver's Reflex". <label for="sn-divers-reflex" class="margin-toggle sidenote-number"></label><input type="checkbox" id="sn-divers-reflex" class="margin-toggle"/><span class="sidenote">The diver's reflex slows heart rate and redirects blood flow when cold water contacts the face—a simple intervention that works regardless of access to professional care.</span>
- **Sleep:**
- I try to get enough sleep, every night. This is crucial for me.
- Bipolar disorder is very easily triggered by lack of sleep.
- **Support Network:**
- I have a good support network of friends and family that know about my condition and how to help me.
- Maintaining these relationships, and the complexities that come with them, is a full-time job.
- **Medication:**
- It took me a long time to find the right medication. I had to try a lot of different things, sometimes multiple times.
- [Abilify](https://www.abilify.com) is my saving grace, these days. ~~I take it once a month as an injectable~~ I now take it as daily pills because I got tired of getting poked with needles.
- **Slowing Down:**
- Taking things *one day at a time*.
- Sometimes, *one hour at a time*.
I **promise** you—my brain has told me some *really* convincing lies. It's not worth it. You are loved, and you are important. You are not alone.
I find working on my website, listening to music, and playing video games to be helpful, as well as ~~[cannabis](/software/websites/strainsdb)~~ gabapentin (I no longer use cannabis). I also find that exercise is helpful, but I don't do it as much as I should.
For the complete archive of my mental health writing, see [Mental Health & Technology](/themes/mental-health-and-technology).
## Resources for Others
I have found a number of resources to be helpful in my journey. Here are a few:
- [To Write Love on Her Arms](https://twloha.com/) - A non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, *&c.*
- [The Trevor Project](https://www.thetrevorproject.org/) - Crisis intervention. Here you can reach out to a counselor if you’re struggling, find answers and information, and get the tools you need to help someone else.
- [The Mighty](https://themighty.com/) - A community of people sharing their stories and experiences with mental health.
- [NAMI](https://www.nami.org/) — National Alliance on Mental Illness.
- [DBSA](https://www.dbsalliance.org/) — Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance.
- [Mental Health America](https://www.mhanational.org/) — Mental Health America.
-------------
Just remember, if you're in America, and you're thinking about harming yourself, please call `811` (or even `911`) and go to the nearest emergency room. They will help you.
Also, I **promise** you, my brain has told me some *really* convincing lies. It's not worth it. You are loved, and you are important. You are not alone. I promise. <label for="sn-convincing-lies" class="margin-toggle sidenote-number"></label><input type="checkbox" id="sn-convincing-lies" class="margin-toggle"/><span class="sidenote">Kenneth's direct approach—calling suicidal thoughts "convincing lies"—helps demystify these experiences and offers hope through the voice of someone who has survived similar struggles.</span>
## More Resources
For a complete collection of my mental health writing, including essays on algorithmic mental health exploitation, AI as mental health support, and the intersection of technology and psychological wellbeing, see [Mental Health & Technology](/themes/mental-health-and-technology).
Feel free to reach out to me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/kennethreitz42) or [email](/contact) if you need someone to talk to about this stuff. I'm here for you.
Feel free to reach out on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/kennethreitz42) or [email](/contact) if you need someone to talk to about this stuff. I'm here for you.